0:00:23 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Bon soir, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40good evening and welcome, willkommen, vient de nous,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43nache a QI, where tonight, at long last, it's the Long Lost show.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Let's meet the long-trousered Jimmy Carr.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The long-suffering Claudia O'Doherty.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The long-awaited Suggs.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And a lost cause, Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And now for some long-form buzzers. Jimmy goes...
0:01:12 > 0:01:16GONG
0:01:16 > 0:01:19That is long-form.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- I'm not finished.- Thank you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Claudia goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28SUSTAINED ELECTRIC GUITAR NOTE
0:01:28 > 0:01:31It's going to be a very long show.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sometimes we shorten the cues - you'd be surprised. Suggs goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38OUT OF TUNE TRUMPET PLAYS
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I thought as much.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44HITS DEEP NOTE
0:01:44 > 0:01:45That's better.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Alan goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50FLY BUZZES
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ah, ooh, bitter, very bitter.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Now, we haven't been going long and already I've lost a lavatory,
0:02:03 > 0:02:08so if you spot it, let me know by playing your Spend a Penny.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Spend a Penny and if you're right...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:13 > 0:02:14..there'll be points.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19If you're wrong, there may be deductions, it's up to me to decide. But that's your joker.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23So, how could living in a tiny flat stop you from losing your marbles?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- CLAUDIA'S BUZZER - Yes, Claudia?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27If you had a very small house,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31you wouldn't be worried that there was a killer in the next room.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's something that I worry about in my house.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35- Do you?- Yes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39But if it was small, very small, one room, I would be fine,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I wouldn't be scared at all.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- Wouldn't you need a Jodie Foster-style sort of safe...? - A panic room.- The panic room.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50- Well, the whole house is the panic room.- Oh, well, I guess it would be. - If it's a small flat, yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- I guess it is, isn't it? - Yes. So how many points do I get for that?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- I think you may have come in with a rather optimistic frame of mind here.- OK, right.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Do you think you watched too many horror films where it's always the phone call came from in the house?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- They're calling from inside the house.- House.- Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Well, if they're not in the house, they can't get you. Your horror movies sound fine.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11There's so many genres and sometimes
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- there's the cabin in the woods genre, high school ones, different kinds.- There's camp ones.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- Camp ones, exactly. I mean, not camp in the sense of...- No, no.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22But camp horror would be quite fun, wouldn't it -
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, you gave me a start!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I think you've created a genre right there.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I think I may have done. I think I may.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh, something just stabbed me in the back!
0:03:36 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Behave, all of you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Now, let's return to the question, which was, Suggs...?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It was why would you be less likely to
0:03:53 > 0:03:54lose your marbles in a small flat?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Apart from the fact if you're playing marbles,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- there's less distance for them to go.- That's a very good thought.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02It's actually, we're actually being figurative here.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's a very common thing that happens, when you've gone
0:04:05 > 0:04:09into a room and you've forgotten what you've gone into it for. You know.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I've had that in...I had that at the Hammersmith Apollo once.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Walked out on stage and went, "What have I...? Oh, jokes, right. OK."
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Shit.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20There was a study at Notre Dame, Notre Dame -
0:04:20 > 0:04:23as they call it in America - University, which discovered
0:04:23 > 0:04:28that the key thing that makes you forget is crossing a threshold.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30In other words, going from one room to another.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33If you have a one-room flat, it's unlikely to happen.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35There's something that happens in the brain.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It may be an evolutionary thing when you move from one
0:04:37 > 0:04:40sort of landscape - from a thicket to open country as it were -
0:04:40 > 0:04:43the equivalent of a threshold, that for some reason, you no
0:04:43 > 0:04:47longer need the same tools to cope with that particular environment
0:04:47 > 0:04:50or habitat, and so you, you know, we somehow seem to forget it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52But I mean, for instance, if you were in B&Q,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56that's one big room, isn't it? I mean, you don't cross any thresholds. But...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59True, when you go in there, you do forget everything you were meant to...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- I meant to get those Rawlplugs and the other things... - You forget the day.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- The butt plugs.- The reason why you're alive.- Where the car is, who you're married to.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Why you haven't killed yourself earlier.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh, Suggs, Suggs! Let's not go down there.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, but I'm just saying, it is one big room. I mean, it is a big room, isn't it?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Yeah. Well, yeah, crossing a threshold makes you lose your thread.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21What's the world's longest living thing?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23SUGGS' BUZZER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Suggs?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28A giant redwood.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Good answer. Not correct, but good.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32They do live a very, very long time.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33And it's not a klaxon.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- There was a clam.- A clam?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38A clam that some scientists killed last year, that was 500 years old.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- That some scientists killed? - Yeah, it was an accident.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45But they were like, "Guys, great news, we've found the oldest thing in the world"
0:05:45 > 0:05:49"We killed it, but it's really old."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And it was over 500 years old.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54This is well over 500 years old. Possibly immortal.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Is that picture a clue?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58There is some there, I think, well, you can see...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Shall we have a klaxon? Do you want a klaxon?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What are you going to say?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Brucie.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06KLAXON
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The biggest thing in the world, got to have a bit of fun.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Obviously if you're watching this... - Love, respect, everything.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- What a great man he was. - Yeah. We loved you, Brucie.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And if you're still, if you're still hanging on, well - well done.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Stop it!- Lichen. - Yes, is the right answer. Lichen.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30But no... Nothing to do with the lavatory, but we don't count that as playing it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It is lichen, lichen, there it is.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34How many forms of life make up lichen, as it were?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Well, I don't even understand the question - how many forms of life?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Well, you know, sometimes you get symbiosis, which creates what
0:06:40 > 0:06:43seems to be one thing but is in fact made up of other things.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Okey-doke. - Things living together, symbiotic.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47And this is two organisms, it's fungus and algae.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- Fungus and algae.- Yeah. - Living together.- Yeah, that's right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Is it, we're making the worst ever sitcom? - Well, one provides... The fungus...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57They're living together but they don't get on. Oh, they're so very different.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Fungus the Bogeyman and Algy, Algy from Biggles.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I've got Ebony and Ivory in my head now.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Fungus and Algae.- Well, the fungus provides a cosy environment
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and the algae has the equipment to photosynthesise, and they live
0:07:09 > 0:07:12happily together on stones and in incredible environments.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- That's the oldest thing?- Well, there's a 9,000 years old one in Lapland,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19probably the world's oldest living thing, as far as we know.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20They're everywhere.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23They're the dominant vegetation on 8% of the world's surface.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Not just they exist there, they are the dominant vegetation. They can be very tasty.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31There's a...Pete Townshend, you know, you remember Pete Townshend.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Indeed.- No, I don't mean Pete Townshend. That can't be right.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Go in another room, see if you can remember.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40- Pete Waterman.- Aha!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Pete Waterman. Two very different animals.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45They are, very different.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47That's a very different set of jokes in my head.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53- I've got very little in that category.- Neither of them are acceptable.- Dear, oh, dear!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55So, Pete Waterman, his hobbies.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Model railway collecting.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Model railways, very good. - Yes, yes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Where might you use lichen or...? - All over his face. No, sorry, no.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- I don't know what I thought there. - There's a kind of lichen that's known as Caribou Moss,
0:08:07 > 0:08:08so it's a moss-like lichen.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And that's it there.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13And it's used by model railway enthusiasts for what?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Grass.- Oh, who put that...- To create grass.- Not grass.- Bushes.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Bushes and trees. - And little furry green wigs.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Hang on a second, can we take a moment to look at that photo and ask
0:08:20 > 0:08:22what the hell is going on there?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25That feels to me like a zoo with an enclosure that's just gone...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Stick 'em in together.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31There's been some budget cuts, they can work it out.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- It's gorgeous. - You can't put them in with them!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- It's so wonderful. Yes, you can. - A lot of those guys need water.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Well, it's very near the coast, as you can see. - How is that near the coast?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It's slithering down, all the little waters running down to the sea.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Look at the poor fat fella at the back.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Look at him. He's just stranded there going, well...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- It does look a bit odd...- Hang on.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56"Hello, this feels wrong. Hello?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"I shouldn't be in with the deer. Hello?"
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The photographer is giving his usual lie, which is -
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"Just one more, just one more."
0:09:03 > 0:09:09"Hello? The deer have drunk all the water!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:13They are reindeer.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17FAINT GROANS
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Come on, that's bloody good! "Rain-deer."
0:09:20 > 0:09:24But lichen, liken, litchen, however you want to say it.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28There seems to be no clear consensus as to whether it is lichen.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31But as the great performance poet Rory Motion put it,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"You call it liken, I call it lichen, let's call the whole thing moss."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36AUDIENCE GROAN
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Now what's...
0:09:39 > 0:09:44What's long, begins with L and gets you sleepy, horny and pregnant?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Suggsie.- Lunch.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Well, that's pretty true.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53How do you know the pet name I've got for my penis?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57That's just terrible.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Is it Larry?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Is it Larry?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Is it Larry?- "Meet Larry."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I would think it's probably Lancelot.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, my goodness!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Well, it's actually called Lancelot, because of all the boils.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Hey, they booked me - what were they hoping for?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26So it's horny, sleepy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Horny, sleepy, pregnant, yeah.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Is it, it sounds like Rohypnol.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31No.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Lying down?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Lying down would kind of make you feel all those things.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37This is a foodstuff.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- That makes you pregnant.- Leeks.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Leeks, good, good, you're in the right area,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- you're in the vegetable garden. That's where I want you to be. - Legumes?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Lettuce.- Lettuce.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Lettuce is the right answer. - What?- Lettuce.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Ooh, look at that. Phwor! Oh, Stephen, oh!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58This is a family show, take it away.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Imagine if those Inuits were here now, eh - forget the lichen,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- let me at that.- What?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I would ride that like a stolen bike.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You're bad.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Who gets horny looking at lettuce?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Are you now pregnant?
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Hippocrates, the father of medicine - he described its opiate
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- qualities, as did Beatrix Potter, in Peter Rabbit.- Soporific?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Soporific was exactly the word she used, very good. - Indeed. Yes.- Points for that.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And they very nearly ended up in Mrs McGregor's rabbit pie as a result of falling asleep.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Anyway, yes, lettuce is slightly soporific-making.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34However, it's been bred less and less so.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37But wild lettuce in really strong quantities.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Rather than, Claudia, it making you feel sleepy, it makes you feel...?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Horny.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Horny. Horny. Horny and bouncy.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Right. We'll see.- And therefore it's a kind of stimulant, which is
0:11:48 > 0:11:51tropane alkaloid, which is the same as is found in cocaine.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And so it can give you a bit of a kick.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I'm getting down the greengrocers.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Well, they did try and sell it in America under names like
0:11:59 > 0:12:02L'Opium, with an L, and an apostrophe - and Lettucene.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But most were made from ordinary garden lettuce.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It has to be wild lettuce that you find. And it shouldn't be fed to rabbits,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10because it upsets their tummies, actually.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Victorian picnickers wrapped lettuce around what, for picnics?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Their penises.- Meat?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20That's, if in doubt, it's going to be a knob.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- It is a knob. The word knob is used with this substance.- Butter?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yes! That's absolutely right. They'd wrap it round butter to keep it cool. Yeah.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Yeah, there it is.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- What do they wrap round their penises?- I don't know.- Butter.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And don't new mothers put cabbage leaves in their bras to
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- cool their cracked, sore nipples? - Yep.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- I didn't know that, is that true? - Yeah.- Is that the thing? Yeah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Cracking... Cracking of the nipple is not a laughing matter.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- No, I wouldn't want... - Not a laughing matter.- Oh, ouch.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And it doesn't make the baby any less hungry.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And is it any easier if you express into a machine, or is that worse?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Well...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I don't know all the details.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01No.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You agree to do two-thirds of the nappy work,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08quite a lot of the driving round in a car when it's screaming.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I just remember the "Argh, ooh, argh!"
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But it's a great way for new mums to express themselves.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Quite.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Anyway, lettuce is good for all sorts of things,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20except rabbits, apparently.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24What's the world's longest experiment?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26QI.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29That's certainly possibly the world's longest failed experiment.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33I've definitely had a couple of double physics on a Wednesday afternoon that dragged.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Hmm, I know what you mean.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37This is really quite long for one experiment.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39If I tell you when it started,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41it may give you an idea of how old it is.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It was started in 1840, at least that's what we think.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It may actually have begun 15 years earlier than that.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And is it still, it's not still going?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50It's still going. Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Is it on animals? - I think they've got to just call a day on that, haven't they?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Just, that homework is going to be late, is all we know for sure.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Oh, is it curing the common cold? - No, if I said it was a pile, does that help you?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Oh, is it? It's not like continental drift or something, is it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06No, the word "pile" - what does it mean in French?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Oh, pile.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Pile. Yes, in English how would we say that?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13JIMMY DOES FRENCH IMPRESSION
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Yeah. Battery, the French call the battery a pile, a pile, a heap, a stack.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19And this one is in Oxford, in a scientific laboratory
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and has been there since 1840.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24And as you can see, below it are two domes and a clanger.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And when one clanger hits a bell, it causes a charge to make it go
0:14:28 > 0:14:29and hit the other one.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It's rung ten billion times since it was started.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, it's annoying for the neighbours, isn't it?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Fortunately, it's incredibly quiet,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38because it's inside a double bell jar.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41But the actual battery won't run out for 350 years, they think.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44350 years. Could these people get in touch with Apple?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Because my phone runs out like about every hour.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I don't think you need worry, there's some good
0:14:51 > 0:14:53scientists in Israel who've come up with an extraordinary,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57almost you might call biological battery, which they've demonstrated
0:14:57 > 0:15:00the concept by charging a phone in 45 seconds, fully charging it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Really very impressive.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It will be ready to go to market in a couple of years.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I'm very impressed with 350 year battery life.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10It is damn good but it's a tiny amount that's needed in order to operate.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12They could have done something more interesting with it.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- I mean, say what you want about the Duracell bunny, it's fun to watch.- You're right.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It has a lovely clang and it goes, you know, something.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20So, that's the Clarendon Dry Pile,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23the world's longest scientific experiment.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27It's been quietly ringing bells in the City of Dreaming Spires for 174 years.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32What use is half a copy of the Daily Telegraph? That's a very pleasing photograph.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Makes your butt look good. Look at that, that looks good.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Yes, it does, doesn't it? That is a fine, fine pair of nates.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Footballers used to put magazines down the back of their socks,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45in the days when you were allowed to tackle from behind.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Well, that's interesting. So to stop them getting hacked.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Where they got kicked in the legs.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Is it, well, they used to put newspaper, fish and chips were... - Yes.- ..sold in newspaper,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and it was because it was the cheapest way to get a clean wrapper.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Absolutely, but I'll draw a line now,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01because you'll get it just by default.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It's the Spend A Penny question.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- The lavatorial answer.- So half a copy of the...- Daily Telegraph.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Wow, that's a lot going on... - I know what you're thinking of,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13you're immediately thinking of essuyage, of wiping, aren't you?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That's not the answer.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It was used until the 1970s as a test, as an index, to test?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- Oh, if it could flush away.- Yes? - The length of time spent on...
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- Not that, that's a very good...- But if you put it down the toilet, flush that away...- If you could flush it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31A lavatory had to be powerful enough to be able to flush down half
0:16:31 > 0:16:32a Daily Telegraph.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- That's quite a lot to flush away, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- It's a lot to flush, isn't it? - It is, it is. And it's...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Hell of a lot of shit in the Daily Telegraph.- Sometimes...
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:43- Very good.- Boom, boom.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Ha, ha, nice one.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Not a unanimous round of applause, I noticed.- Not unanimous, no.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52They now use a synthetic sludge stimulant.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- What, to read?- No!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Christ!- No, that would do it.- Jesus!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- It's in the Daily Mail. - Yeah, that's the Daily Mail.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01No, it's...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:08It's synthetic sludge stimulant,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11a mixture of yeast, water, seed husks, peanut oil,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15miso paste and shredded tissue, otherwise known as fake poo.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Unilever developed it for their Domex Toilet Academy,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19which is in India.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24They hope to be able to install 24,000 new lavatories in India,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26for World Toilet Day, 2015.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30It's a very important thing though, a third of the world's population don't have a flushing toilet.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Absolutely. In India, a staggering 90% of Indians own a mobile phone,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37but only 50% have flush loos.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Yeah.- Priorities, and it's all priorities.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42According to insurance claims, a staggering 800,000 mobile phones
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- are accidentally flushed down the loo in Britain each year. - At least they don't have that.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Quite, exactly.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- So...- They just needed a packet of vegetarian sausages, take it from me.- Really?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- That would probably be the closest poo replica you can find.- Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- But they're absolutely delicious.- I'm sure they are.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Anyway, what would you do with the world's longest corkscrew?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Undo the world's most convivial bottle of wine.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- Well, exactly. That's perfect. - Obviously.- I would make, I would make a sex toy for pigs.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh, that's very good.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Because you know about the fact... - The pig's got a little corkscrew...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- ..a little curly corkscrew of a knoblet.- Yes.- Not just pigs as well.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Oh, is it not for taking out plugs...- Ducks.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Have you been looking for someone who goes the other way?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28As it were.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Oh, dear.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I love it when it's a genuine... - I know!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40So, this is a helical structure. It's not really a corkscrew,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43but it's the longest that occurs in nature.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44And I have one.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I mean, I say I have one, I don't have one growing about my person,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51I have one on my person, as it were, now it's on my person.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I can't believe you're being so blase about this, you've killed a unicorn!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- You're a monster! - Oh, JK Rowling gave me permission.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Um, it's not a unicorn,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04though some believe the unicorn myth sprang from this...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Is it the narwhal?- Narwhal! Absolutely right. And...- Very good.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- I'm pretty sure that's made up. - Yeah.- What is a narwhal?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- This guy.- There it is.- What?- I know. Isn't it astonishing?- No way!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You think it's been glued on by someone
0:19:15 > 0:19:17at the Natural History Unit in Bristol,
0:19:17 > 0:19:18but it is a real creature.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23It's a whale, and the word narwhal means dead body, 'Nar' in Norsk,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26because it's a rather grey, unappetising-looking flesh.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But what do you think it is? Do you think it's horn, or tooth, or what?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- I imagine it's hair, always hair, isn't it?- In this case it isn't, it is actually a tooth.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37It's a tooth without enamel. It is a single tooth that bursts out of it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38I mean, it's phenomenal.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41And nobody quite knows, A, why it's corkscrewed
0:19:41 > 0:19:43and what it's for.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45The assumption people make, because it's on the male,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48must be that it's for fighting other males for the right to mate.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51But nobody's ever observed two... Oh, well, hang on...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:58No. They rub them together as a bonding thing,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01it's not fighting, they don't hurt each other.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Rub them together as a bonding sort of thing?- Yeah.- That's right. - They've been to private school.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Keep telling yourself that, Stephen, I don't know who you're fooling.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11It's the only way they ever get to chew.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13They get a grape between them and kind of...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- They're very much the Ken Dodd of the oceans.- They are, aren't they?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18They actually eat their food by hoovering it up
0:20:18 > 0:20:20and just inhaling it, virtually.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22They're not krill eaters, like a lot of the larger whales.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25But it's fascinating that a creature like that, you know,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28we think we cover the world with our natural history documentaries
0:20:28 > 0:20:30there are whole channels devoted to it,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and people go out in boats and they're quietly watching.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But we still just don't know what that's for.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38That's, I think it's nice when there's a mystery about animals.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43We're very grateful to Raff Fells, who leant us his snooker cue, and...
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Maybe they are just attractive to the female whales.- It may be that.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Yeah, it may just be that.- It may be like, ooh, I like your one.- Yeah.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Yes, anyway, what human endurance record
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- gets broken every eight months? - Pregnancy.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Just stop and think now.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02How is that an endurance record?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Every eight months, on average, the world's oldest person...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Dies. Or something like that. - Brilliant Claudia, absolutely right.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Every eight months on average, yeah, the world's oldest person dies.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15At the moment they may be the oldest person in the world somewhere in,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I don't know, Kazakhstan, or somewhere.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- There are certain places... - It's normally Japan.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Well, Japan is...- It's always Japan. - ..Japan, Costa Rica,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25nearly always near the sea. Sardinia is another place.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Bournemouth.- Bournemouth, maybe. - LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Who's that? Do you remember her? She is a very extraordinary exception,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34who stayed the oldest person for a very long time.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37She died in 1997, aged 122
0:21:37 > 0:21:41and 164 days, so 122 and a third and the rest.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45She was a smoker and she hogged pole position for more than two years.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48She died in '97, she knew van Gogh.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49And Bruce Forsyth.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- LAUGHTER - And Bruce Forsyth, of course, absolutely.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53She was a fabulous figure.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55She said, "the only wrinkle I have, I'm sitting on."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:02But terrific, terrifically humorous and extraordinary woman
0:22:02 > 0:22:04and her name was Jeanne Calment.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And that's exactly where she lived, around Arles. Extraordinary.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Lots of olive oil, obviously. That seems to be good.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13There are parts of the world where people seem to live unusually long,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15they're called "blue zones" and you can see them there.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Loma Linda, Nicoya, Costa Rica, Sardinia, Icaria,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22which is where Icarus is said to have dropped into the sea,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23and Okinawa.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27All of them by the sea, so maybe seafood is a good thing,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and omega three's which come from, sorry, am I in the way?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- I'm just checking Australia. - Oh, no, I'm afraid...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Doesn't look good, does not look good.- No luck there.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- I'll tell you where a great place to live is, the sea.- Yes.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- It really feels like... - That's very blue.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- ..it really feels like you could last there.- Yeah.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Highly blue.- Dry land seems to be holding us back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48So, anyway, there we are with age.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Someone breaks the world's oldest living person record every eight months,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55which brings us stumbling into the long lost land of General Ignorance.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Fingers on buzzers if you would please.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Now, what colour is the dark side of the moon?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, you can't see it, Stephen, so no-one really knows.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Oh, that's not true at all.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08The dark side of the moon is the part which is dark when it's...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11That dreadful Pink Floyd album that won't go out of the charts.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- That lasted....- That thing, yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16..a very long time, sold 50 million copies and counting.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19But you can see a horned moon or a new moon,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21you can see the sliver and then the dark bit.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It reflects, what does it reflect?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26It is light, we'll show you a bit of horned moon here.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28There's a horned moon
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and there's a shine on it that comes as a reflection of the Earth.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36So, it's actually a kind of blue, but it's not really blue,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38it's turquoise, according to the Mauna Loa lab,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40the observatory in Hawaii.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So it has earth-shine, which is turquoise.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45That's what the colour of the dark side of the moon is.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- In case you wanted to know. - It's lovely.- Very nice.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49At least, I say "the moon,"
0:23:49 > 0:23:51but how many moons does the earth have?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Oh, God!- Yeah... - LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- BUZZER - Most definitely only one.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.- Of course. - KLAXON SOUNDS
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- It had to be that.- Of course.- Yeah.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- It is the moon, I think I'm with him.- Yeah.- They've changed it.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- KLAXON SOUNDS - They call it...
0:24:07 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:13The one and only moon!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Well, there are moons around, around other planets... - The moon in June, all them songs.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- They're all about "the moon." - There are lots of orbiting objects, aren't there?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Some of them are far away. - Lots of orbiting objects, yes.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26We gave an argument there were hundreds, last time, to confuse you,
0:24:26 > 0:24:31but there's another argument which seems compelling and interesting, which is that there are none.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Which is to say that the moon is not a moon.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- The moon actually qualifies... - Christ!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38We've discovered it's turquoise and now it's not there.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- LAUGHTER - No, it's there,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42but it maybe qualifies as a planet.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44A wanderer, a planet...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Well, the Clangers lived on it, didn't they? We know that.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Soup Dragon and all that. - That's true.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53In order to be a planet, the International Astronomical Union, in 2006, laid down definitions.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55These were the ones that booted out Pluto, I think.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- So, it has to orbit the sun... - Right.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00..it has to be massive enough for its own gravity to make it round.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04It has to have cleared its neighbourhood of smaller objects.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06The moon comfortably fulfils the first two.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09On the third it makes more sense to say that the Earth and moon
0:25:09 > 0:25:11TOGETHER have cleared their neighbourhood.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13The Earth certainly hasn't cleared the moon,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16so they are a binary system, like binary stars.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Like lichen.- Yeah, exactly, exactly.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22So, there is a genuine possibility some people...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And the sun's gravitational effect on the moon
0:25:26 > 0:25:28is more than twice that of the Earth's.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30So we don't have nearly as much gravitational effect.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32There is a good reason to suspect
0:25:32 > 0:25:35that we are actually in possession of a fellow planet.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It goes round the earth, though.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- The earth orbits the moon as well. - What?- Yeah.- Does it?- Hmm.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- I know. Go use an astrolabe... - LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46So we've been consistently inconsistent about this,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50but tonight we're saying that the Earth doesn't have a moon at all. So there.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53That was a slightly mean question to end on, so let's have a liquid lark.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I've got some liquid here in the form of our very own QI water,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59as you can see. And what I'm going to do is pour some,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I'm going to not use the sporty... Oh, God, I can't even open it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'm going to have to use the sporty bit, there we go. Mmm.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- There we go.- That's as much exercise as you get, isn't it?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11LAUGHTER Oh, so sporty.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14What we do is we flatten this card on it
0:26:14 > 0:26:15and we turn it upside down
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and I want you to try and do this if you can.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And, Oh, God, please work, please work, please work,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23please work, please work. There you go, holds up.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Hurray.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:30So you should, you should be able to try that. Whoa.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Terrific, terrific fun.- Yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36This could not possibly end in tears.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- No, no, try it, honestly. - It could go on and on.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42You just, you just turn it over...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44There you are you see, it does work!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Hang on, so, hang on. And...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53- Yay!- Hurray!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Wey-hey!
0:27:00 > 0:27:04And do you want to know something really extraordinary about this?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Watch. This should work.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Oh, leave it out.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11GASPING AND APPLAUSE Shut up!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Shut the front door. - Front door.- How about that?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- That's pretty amazing, isn't it? - You're actually made of magic.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Go on, let's have a look. - Not bad, is it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23SQUEALING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:28That's why we gave you these!
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Whoa!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Well, hang on a second.- Oh! - What happened there?!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- I know you know JK Rowling, but how is that done?- So,
0:27:37 > 0:27:42on that water-bombshell, at long last...
0:27:42 > 0:27:46..at long last it is time for the scores.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And it's pretty exciting.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- In first place, it's Claudia with plus nine.- Oh, my goodness.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56In...
0:27:56 > 0:27:59..second place,
0:27:59 > 0:28:00with minus eight, is Alan Davies!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06In third place,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08with minus 16, it's Suggs.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Which means our runaway loser,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15with minus 37, is Jimmy Carr.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- And this is why! - APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:19END OF SHOW JINGLE
0:28:23 > 0:28:28So, it's good night from Claudia, Jimmy, Suggs, Alan and me
0:28:28 > 0:28:31and I'll leave you with the last words of the great hotelier,
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Conrad Hilton:
0:28:32 > 0:28:36"Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Those were his dying words. Good night.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:44WHISTLING