0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and welcome to QI, where tonight we're on lethal form.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Let's meet the death-defying Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:48The death-denying Jason Manford.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54The death-dealing Bill Bailey.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And the drop-dead-gorgeous, Alan Davies.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:09At least one out of a hundred has to be complimentary.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11That was very kind.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Now, slay me with your buzzers. Sandi goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15MACHINE GUN FIRE
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Jason goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HEAVY GUNFIRE
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- Wow!- Wow!- Bill goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22EXPLOSION
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHILD'S VOICE: Bang, bang, you're dead!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Very good.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38So, before we start, I have to remind you
0:01:38 > 0:01:41we have in this series a Spend A Penny round, because...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44CASH REGISTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Exactly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Because L stands for lavatory,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52one of the answers will involve lavatories in one form or another.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53All things lavatorial.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55So, if you do spot a lavatory lurking anywhere,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58play your joker and if you're right, I'll give you some points.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What could be fairer than that?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Now, I'm going to hand out some bags, can you take one
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- and give one to Jason, Sandi, there.- Thank you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And you've got yours, I think, already, haven't you?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Now, you should have a bottle with a cork in it,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11and I want you, using the bag and the bottle,
0:02:11 > 0:02:12to get the cork out of the bottle.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14You can't break the bottle, obviously.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Are these... These are the ones we use when we go dog walking.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Yes, they are, they're pooper scooper ones, exactly.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Are they?- Yeah. But they haven't been used, I promise you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24No, obviously. I was going to use the penny.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Ooh. I say, Sandi's looking promising.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31That's definitely the right idea, is to blow down the bag,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but I think we need a little bit more down the bottle.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Or as much of it as you can get.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You might use your pen to push, as long as you don't tear the bag.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Oh, this is exciting. I don't know what I'm doing.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42No.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oi, that's my catchphrase.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Can't have anybody rob my phrase. - I'm just copying what Sandi's doing.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, Sandi, Sandi, yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Line it up, if you can line it up, it's going to go, I think.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- If you can, it's so close. Oh! - Oh!- Look, we'll show you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58One of our researchers, Zara,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01she managed to do it and we shot her doing it, so have a look.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- You shot her? - You shot her!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Watch, there she goes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06If you succeed, we will have to shoot you.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10There, there she goes. She's just blown up it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13A little bit. There it goes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15There.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Well done, Zara.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Oh, wait a minute.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- Oh, oh, nearly. - Oh, nearly.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You didn't blow enough to provide enough suction, that's the key.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26You have to get the bag...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, blow in the bag.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Blow in the bag, we used to blow in the bag.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32We'll soon get it out, Mr Mainwaring.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34We'll blow in the bag. Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I think Stephen, it's there...
0:03:36 > 0:03:37- You've got it, have you? - This is brilliant.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Don't panic, we'll blow in the bag sir!- See if you can pull.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41I don't know what I'm doing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Oh, yeah. We don't want to stretch the...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I think it's there. You've got it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Yes!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Oh, well done.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Brilliant. Now...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58No, you haven't got the pressure there.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00OK, pop them away.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07That's very much one way to do it.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08No, it can't be done.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11But what's really interesting about this is
0:04:11 > 0:04:15how will this save possibly millions of lives, this trick?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17It's not to do with the stent thing, is it?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19When they blow up a little balloon into your...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No, it's not, it's...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23People getting corks trapped.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26That's not going to save that many lives.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- It might save a lot of distress. - Yes, that's what I mean.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31To people who want the cork out of a bottle, but it's not really...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Is it the inside of the penis, can we just clear that up?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Oh!- No, it isn't. - Is it up the bum hole?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- No!- In the ear? - In the ear hole?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- People sticking corks in their ear.- No. This...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Is it a common condition?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It is, in the third world especially,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48a very common condition and one that causes millions of deaths a year.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And that's childbirth fatalities, because of breach births,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54and being stuck and so on.
0:04:54 > 0:05:00And it took an Argentinian mechanic, who saw a video clip of the trick.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02His name was Jorge Odon,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and he thought, what would be really good...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06His name was Corkay?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09No, Jorge. He was called Jorge.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10George in Spanish.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I like that idea, his name was Corky.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Corky Odon. And he thought that would work on babies.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Already a sucker is used. - Yes, but I just want to be clear.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23So, you're having trouble giving birth, and a mechanic comes along
0:05:23 > 0:05:24- with a plastic bag...- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Pushes it in and then goes, "I'm just going to blow."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's pretty much...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Don't worry, I've seen a video. - It'll be fine.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- That's exactly... - Seen it on YouTube.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And the obstetrician he showed it to
0:05:35 > 0:05:38thought that he was on some hidden camera show and that it was a trick
0:05:38 > 0:05:40and that he was going to be made an idiot of.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42But he realised that it was a fantastic idea.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Because before then they, do you know the device that is used
0:05:45 > 0:05:46to try and pull babies out?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Oh, the forceps.- Well, the forceps is the really old one,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51but the more common one now is the one on the right.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52It's a sort of a sucker thing.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It is a sucker, but it has a particular name.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Ventouse. What's the other one being shouted?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Kiwi.- You call it a kiwi?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Yeah. We're student midwives.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Oh, really, well, then we bow to your superior knowledge.- Yes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Midwifery is a good thing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Midwifery, it sounds a bit like a sort of
0:06:08 > 0:06:12not very noxious fart, doesn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Sort of mid whiffery. Jolly. It...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Can I just say, Stephen, you were, up until then, being so sensitive.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Yeah.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Your job sounds like a fart!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Odon's method inserts a plastic bag, just as you said,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27into the birth canal, under the baby's chin.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Air is then pumped in, inflating the bag gently around the baby's head.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34There's no danger of suffocation. Why is that?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Because they're not breathing yet.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Because babies don't breathe in the womb, exactly.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39The baby is then safely pulled out
0:06:39 > 0:06:41without the damage of bleeding forceps.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43And we can see that.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Not in real life. - All right, yes.- Phew.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49There you go, and that's the suction power
0:06:49 > 0:06:52is on a little calibrated thing, you see.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Then you, again, take it away and it's exactly the same principle.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58FROM AUDIENCE: It's inconceivable!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Thank you. I hope...
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Thank you. Out, out!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I think you've rather misunderstood
0:07:05 > 0:07:07the role of audience intervention here.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10But the way that the device goes around the baby's head,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13very, very similar to the way the chameleon gets its prey.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Its prey, yes.- You know?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Because the tongue is actually, sort of, it subsumes the prey
0:07:19 > 0:07:20and goes round it and then...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Perhaps you could train a chameleon.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24To give birth.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Just hold one up to the appropriate area.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28That's a brilliant idea.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I feel sorry for this woman who's already said no to the engineer
0:07:30 > 0:07:34and then Bill Bailey turns up, "What about the chameleon?"
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Well...- She might not be able to see the chameleon
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- if he's been hanging around for a while.- That's true, yes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42That would take the stress out of it, it just looks like your arm.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43That's true, yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, what's this? Oh, it's just, it's just a patterned shirt.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Yeah, it's fine.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51And then it runs up a tree with it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Yeah. That is a disadvantage.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Then it gets raised as a chameleon.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- It's not a bad thing.- Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00A car mechanic, there, from Argentina
0:08:00 > 0:08:04will save millions of lives with the cork in the bottle trick.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Oh, some lethal...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs. - Yeah.- Drones.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Hitting people over the head.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- AS KEIFER SUTHERLAND:- Damn it, Chloe!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18That was like he was in the room.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Thank you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I just happen to have been working with him, that's all.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh, please.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Is he nice? Please tell me he's nice.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He's an incredibly nice guy.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He really is, everyone adores him on the set. Keefa, this is.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Keefa?- Keefa, yeah.- Keefa.- Keefa.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35- Keefa, you know. - Oh, Keefa. Oh, yes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- What's he talking about? - Anyway, he's always on laptops.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I don't know what you're talking about.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- My favourite one is when he talks about...- 24.- Oh, 24, oh.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44When he talks about parabolics.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Parabolics.- Where are the parabolics?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'm like, "Are you saying pair of bollocks?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51That's what it sounds like. Parabolics.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Is it still going, then, 24?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Yes. I'm in it, I played the British Prime Minister.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58What kind of Prime Minister were you? Were you sage?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Well, it was non-specified in terms of party.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Oh. But were you very sage?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Like almost every Prime Minister we've had for the last 20 years.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Is it really over-the-top London though, is it like,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Is it all that?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19It is all shot in London.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"I'm at Spitting Fields!"
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"There are engineering works!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"I'm on a bus replacement service.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Follow me on the satellite.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36"What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"You can't use the Harrow Road!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43APPLAUSE
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I've forgotten what the question was.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Yes, well, lethal uses for a laptop.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, right, so hitting people over the head.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57You could leave it on the rear parcel shelf of a car
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- and you stop too quickly, then, you know.- Yeah.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06I know this because I went to one of those speed awareness courses,
0:10:06 > 0:10:11and there's this ex-copper, and he was trying to scare everyone,
0:10:11 > 0:10:16and he went, "Yes, this lady, lady driver, had a laptop computer,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"a laptop computer on the back...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Mel Smith was in the room for a second.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23It was, yeah, it was.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26He talked like that, he went, "Laptop computer, on the back."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It's very Mel Smith.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"On the back shelf, and she stopped too quickly,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"took her head clean off.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Took her head clean off, like a knife through butter."
0:10:34 > 0:10:35It's always clean off, isn't it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And there was a dear old lady next to me,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42who'd been caught doing 31 mph in a built-up area.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43On a tiny little scooter thing.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Yeah, on a mobility scooter.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- I can't stop! - I can't hold it!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51- You'll have to go to a workshop.- Yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55And she grabbed my hand, she went, "Oh, my God!"
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Like that. But, of course, I can't imagine it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00No, actually, we're in Australia
0:11:00 > 0:11:02and it's a programme that's written on a computer.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- A virus.- It's nothing to do with the Wi-Fi is it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05- Do they not...- No, no.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It's a specific programme written by a specific person,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11in order to help someone do something that will end their lives.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Is it some euthanasia thing? - It's a euthanasia programme, yes.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16There's an Australian doctor, called Dr Death, obviously,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- as they always are, and he's rigged up this...- Death machine.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23..injection system to a laptop
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and you have to answer three questions.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27You have to be sane and smart enough
0:11:27 > 0:11:29to answer the three questions, yes, positively.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Do you know what they are? - Yes, I have them for you.- OK.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"One, are you aware that if you go ahead to the last screen
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"and press the yes button,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"you will be given a lethal dose of medications and die?"
0:11:40 > 0:11:42So, they're not difficult questions.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45- No.- Also, I...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I thought it was going to be things like, you know...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- What year was the Battle of Crecy?- Yes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'd scroll through a lot of these and just press accept.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56That would be my worry.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions, I've read them.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Terms and conditions, terms and conditions.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04The second one is, "Are you certain you understand
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"that if you proceed and press the yes button on the next screen
0:12:07 > 0:12:08"that you will die?"
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Wow.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- That's just very clear.- Yeah.- Yeah. - So you press yes again.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- So does it then say, "Are you sure?" - On the third screen...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Are you sure? Come on now.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17In 15 seconds...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Have you seen the word die?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22..you will be given a lethal injection. Press yes to proceed.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- It's that simple. - That's heavy, man.- Yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I suppose if you've made the decision, then, you know,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29it's finding a... I found a very odd...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I didn't know this was a rule, recently,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I always get headaches when I'm on tour, so I thought,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Well, I may as well just stock up on paracetamol,"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38because I go through a couple a night.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So, I tried to buy about 48 packets of paracetamol.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43No, no, no, no, no. That'll kill you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Well, yeah, obviously I wasn't going to take them all at once,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- but obviously there's a rule. - They don't know that.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49You're only allowed to buy,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I just thought to myself, that's saving no-one, is it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54No-one's got to that point and gone, "Oh, can I not?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"all right, I'll stay alive then, thank you very much."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I go into a newsagents and order a bottle of vodka
0:12:59 > 0:13:00and they give me a quarter one now.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Because they've heard things about me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Although, there was a moment when the woman embarrassed me
0:13:07 > 0:13:09in front of a queue of people, where she said,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"I can't sell you that many paracetamol."
0:13:11 > 0:13:12And I went, "Oh, why? Why is that?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And she said, "It's in case you kill yourself."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17She said those words to me. And I, this was my panic, I went,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"What? But there's a load of freezer stuff in there!"
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Like that was my actual fair point.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Like, that was the logic, you know?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Look in my trolley there, there's some long-life milk, why am I going?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Why would I go?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Do you think I'm mad? Do you think I'd waste that?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41There's some Findus crispy pancakes I'm looking forward to!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yeah, there's a Solero in there, I've got so much to live for!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47That's very good.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Anyway, yes, this happy little fellow is about to kill himself.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51How?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Do you recognise that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Is it a field mouse? - He's about to kill himself?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58He is, by doing something which nature impels him to do,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59which is a suicidal thing to do.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Fling himself off a cliff.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- ALARM BELL - Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Throwing himself off a cliff, I don't know what I thought.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Well, why not. We'll get that one out of the way.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You thought it might be a lemming
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- and, anyway lemmings don't, of course, but...- No, they don't.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It's not a lemming, it is in fact not a rodent.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Is it not?- No.- Is it a squirrel? - Is it a marsupial?- Squirrel?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19It is a marsupial, yes,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21it's a bit of a convergent how do you do, there.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24It's a marsupial, and it's called an antechinus.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Antechinus?
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Well, what are the natural things?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's either going to eat something or it's going to drink something.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32What do animals live to do? They live to eat in order to?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Procreate.- To survive long enough to procreate, to pass on their genes.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So, is it some naughty sex thing that happens?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40It's about to have sex, and that is, for it, suicide.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43They go on an extraordinary shagging spree.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I mean it is quite, quite unbelievable.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I have to give you the details, because they're pretty amazing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It's semelparous, which means it only does it once.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54And it's about 12 hours on the job,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56with one female, before moving on to the next.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57It doesn't eat or sleep,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01it just keeps going in a testosterone-driven frenzy.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, never mind about him, that poor female!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Well, that's, and then the next one, and the next one.
0:15:05 > 0:15:0712 hours! She must be chafed.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14To get the necessary energy, the males' bodies strip themselves
0:15:14 > 0:15:17of all their vital proteins and suppress their immune systems.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20By the end of the fortnight, they are physiologically exhausted,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Wow!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Russell Brand, take note!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:35- It's pretty grim.- Wow.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38That sounds like Henry VIII at the end of his life, doesn't it?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It does, somewhat. It is, it is.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Does this happen only once, then?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Yes, semelparous, once in Latin, semel is once.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45So, they're dead before the children arrive?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Very much so. And that some people think may be the reason...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Just to get out of child care.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51They can't bear the thought of it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Or if you give it a better gloss, it's in order to...- Food.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55To leave more food for their children.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57So, it's 12 hours and then another 12 hours.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Yeah, yeah. And this lasts for a fortnight, apparently. Yeah.- Wow!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That's a two week mating season. Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04There's somebody in the audience
0:16:04 > 0:16:08remembering her Spanish holiday over there.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Ooh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Magaluf, 1982. Oh.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Oh, that was a party.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Now, if you had to fight a duel,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21which weapon would you want your opponent to choose?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23A - Hot-air balloon? Would that please you?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26B - A billiard ball? C - A sword?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Or D - A sausage?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Sausages are fairly non-lethal. - You would say sausage.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I would think you could get terrible food poisoning
0:16:34 > 0:16:36from a sausage.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Well, we do have history on our side,
0:16:38 > 0:16:39so we can tell a story about the sausage.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42There was a scientist, a very eminent scientist,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46who was rather liberal in his ways, who lived in Prussia,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and who was the great leader of Prussia,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51who basically unified Germany and was the, what we would call
0:16:51 > 0:16:54a Prime Minister, but he was the minister president of Prussia.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Bismarck. - Von Bismarck, exactly.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And this German pathologist, who was called Rudolf Virchow,
0:17:00 > 0:17:06so opposed the mighty armaments programme that Bismarck had started,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09that he enraged Bismarck who challenged him to a duel.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12So, because he got to choose, this doctor,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14who was the first man to isolate the pathogen
0:17:14 > 0:17:18behind pork that had gone off, which is called Trichinella spiralis,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21said, "OK, the weapons will be sausages."
0:17:21 > 0:17:25One of which would be poisonous, toxic, as you say, with this agent,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28this pathogen, so he challenged him to a breakfast, essentially,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31and Bismarck didn't like the idea, and so called the whole thing off,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33which the challenger has the right to do.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34- So, it's a sausage roulette?- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, basically, sausage roulette.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Yeah. But with only two.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40And so, you had a 50/50 chance of dying,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43so that's a pretty dangerous duel, a sausage duel.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46So, moving from the sausage to the balloon.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Monsieur Grandpre and Monsieur de Pique.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We're going to get quite French, because you know what they're like.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54In 1808, there was a dispute between these two over the affections of a young woman.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58They took to the skies in separate hot air balloons, each armed with a Blunderbuss.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01De Pique shot first and missed. He had the first shot and he missed.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02It is a moment, isn't it?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Grandpre then fired at de Pique's balloon and punctured it,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- sending him and his second down to their deaths.- Wow.
0:18:07 > 0:18:112,000 feet above Paris. So, a balloon, pretty damned dangerous.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13There's only one example of a billiard ball duel
0:18:13 > 0:18:14that we've been able to discover
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and that took place between a Monsieur Lenfant
0:18:17 > 0:18:20and a Monsieur Melfant. They fell out over a game of billiards.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Not surprisingly, and so they used what was to hand, billiard balls.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Presumably it was carom if they were French.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And they decided to resolve their difference
0:18:28 > 0:18:31by pelting each other one after the other with billiard balls.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34They drew straws to see who would throw first.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36And Melfant won and he warned his opponent he would kill him
0:18:36 > 0:18:40with a one single strike and he did. Straight between the eyes, dead.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Wow.- Wow.- Bloody hell.- God. - Yeah. That's, so that's...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And he probably went, "I was joking!"
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Yeah, exactly.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47"I didn't think I'd actually hit you."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Why didn't they use the cue? Surely, that would have been a...- Yeah.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52So, of all the weapons we've described,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55probably the safest is the sword, because in duelling,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59all you have to do is get the, draw first blood, as the phrase is.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01So, you literally have to pink someone,
0:19:01 > 0:19:02just give them a little scratch
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and it's called off by the second, "Oh, you got him."
0:19:05 > 0:19:06So, there we are, duelling.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Now, why was a pint of best in 19th-century Norfolk
0:19:10 > 0:19:11just what the doctor ordered?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh. Has it got something medicinal in it?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16It sure has. Poppies.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Heroin.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Not heroin, heroin wasn't discovered...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"A pint of your heroin beer, please."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Not heroin, but opium.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26It's no wonder Norfolk has kept to itself.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Heroin needs a little bit more chemical skill
0:19:29 > 0:19:31than they were able to show in Fenland.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Bit more Breaking Bad. - Yes, basically.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And they had been having this stuff for ages and ages and ages,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40and then, in the 19th-century, laudanum became very popular.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Laudanum is a tincture of a small amount of opium with alcohol.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Queen Victoria loved it, and they loved it in the Fens.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And they had it with beer, so they'd have poppy stuff in their beer.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54There was a period called 'the Great Binge', and it was really from,
0:19:54 > 0:19:58sort of, 1880s to the outbreak of the First World War,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00and the banning of absinthe in France.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- What a time to be alive.- Yes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And, as I say, Queen Victoria was addicted to laudanum,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07she'd have laudanum every night.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09To be wealthy and idle in the Great Binge.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Yes. It was something.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14You're talking about Wetherspoons right now, aren't you? Yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19In Fenland they drank a lot of beer with their own poppies in it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Basically, Norfolk and Lincolnshire consumed
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- over five and a half tons a year.- Wow.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Which was, basically, more than the whole country put together.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27- Wow.- Good God.- Yeah.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Do you think it hindered the development of the region?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It might have done.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It was known as "stuff" or "best" and, basically, it did destroy...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Got any stuff?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Yes.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41In the 19th-century, being an opium addict was normal for Norfolk.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Nowadays, we're told that even sugar is a deadly poison.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46But, are sugar-free sweets good for you?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Oh, they give you the runs.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Honestly, if you are at all stuffed-up,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58two sugar-free sweets, you'll be singing.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I don't know why.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Well, I ought to warn you that
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- you have missed your Spend A Penny chance, that was it.- Oh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Because it's all about going...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Well, it's too late now. - Oh, yes, of course.- Never mind.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11It's lycasin, which can have a mildly
0:21:11 > 0:21:13or moderately laxative effect.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That's if you take a few of them.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20On the Amazon page where they sell sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22it clearly warns, "May cause stomach discomfort
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"and/or a laxative effect."
0:21:24 > 0:21:27The same page has over 250 comments.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"Stomach discomfort turns out to be a massive understatement!"
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Oh, yes.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Gastrointestinal Armageddon."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"Calamitous flatulence."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Trumpets calling the demons back from hell."
0:21:43 > 0:21:45GUNSHOTS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47That's the noise, exactly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I'm just adding some noises to the story.- Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"Guttural pronouncement so loud,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"it threatened to drown out my own voice."
0:21:56 > 0:21:59And "flammable liquid Napalm extruding."
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Those are some of the milder comments.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I've never known anything like it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I got some butterscotch sweets, and I honestly had two
0:22:05 > 0:22:09and I thought it was a good way to help me lose weight, and it did.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Absolutely. Yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14And now for the lethal concoction of toxic misapprehension
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and venomous disinformation that we call General Ignorance.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19So, fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Name a non-venomous snake.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- EXPLOSION - Yes?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25The grass snake.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- ALARM BELL - Oh!- What?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30We thought you might say that.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31- Well, clearly.- Yeah.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Somebody's very quick on the typing, otherwise.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Are they all venomous but just not very?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yes. All snakes are venomous.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44A recent discovery by a man you know you can trust because of his name,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48he's called Professor Brian Fry, of the University...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49No, he isn't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - University of Queensland.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52And in 2013,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57he showed that even snakes that kill by constriction have venom in them
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and it's been re-purposed to create a sort of lubricant
0:22:59 > 0:23:02to help swallow the huge things that constrictors swallow.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06But, it still contains small quantities of venom. Fry comments...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"Fry comments," I find that very odd, saying that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Their toxins are the equivalent of a kiwi's wing
0:23:10 > 0:23:12or the sightless eyes of a blind cavefish.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Defunct remnants of a functional past.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And he showed that the world's largest lizard, which is?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- Komodo dragon.- Komodo.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21The Komodo dragon, yes, kills its prey with venom,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24which we all thought beforehand that it was killed with sort of bacteria,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28that it just basically bit it and it had such disgusting slobber
0:23:28 > 0:23:30that the thing caught infections.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Yeah, but they actually envenomate. - It seems so, yeah.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35The small fangs at the rear of a grass snake's mouth
0:23:35 > 0:23:38do actually spit out at you and they'll hiss and they'll strike,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and you will get a small itchy infection.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Envenomation, as you say.- Right.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43So, there you are.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46That's weird and surprising, there are no non-venomous snakes.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47They all have venom glands.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Now, Alan, would you take a bullet for me?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Yes, Stephen, of course.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Aw, thank you. Very good.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58ALARMS BELLS Wow!
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Oh, what?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02- Sorry, no. No, I wouldn't.- No, no.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05No, you wouldn't, because you couldn't.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I mean, that's to say, in the standard way it's done,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09the "No-o-o-o!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:11The diving in front of someone, you can't take a bullet for someone.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Well, you'd have to anticipate, I presume.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You'd have to anticipate in such an incredible way.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Accidental, you know, act of... - Accidental, it would.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Because, of course, a bullet goes at 1,000 feet per second.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24That's from a hand gun. 700mph that is.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25So, the notion that the Secret Service
0:24:25 > 0:24:28are going to throw themselves in front of the President
0:24:28 > 0:24:29is just silly?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, it has happened. It happened in the case of John Hinckley
0:24:32 > 0:24:34who had a pop at Ronald Reagan in 1981.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- No-o-o!- That's it, exactly. It has to...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39This is how I would do it. I wouldn't use my head.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40No, very sensible.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- I'd use my arse. - Your arse, yeah.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Or my leg.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Yeah. Yeah, I would use, I would use that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- I would use Bill.- Yeah.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53A supplementary question,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55why do people fall over when they've been shot?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Because they've just been shot.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00ALARM BELLS
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Aww!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10No, is the answer.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Shock.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Because they're dead?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- A dead person would fall over, obviously.- Eventually.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Whether they'd been shot in any way...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Is it not the speed, like, the speed and the impact, no?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23No, none of those things will knock you over.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- ALARM BELLS - What?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Unbelievable.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28"The impact!"
0:25:28 > 0:25:30What a band.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I banged my head on the fireplace the other day and I fell over.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- That would do it.- Wait, wait, is this a lavatory question?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37No, we've already had that one.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Oh, no, I don't know.- Because they've seen it done in movies.- Really?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43So, in the Wild West, when they had a shoot-out
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and because they'd never seen a cowboy film,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47people just carried on standing.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Most people when they're shot don't know they've been shot.- Right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54We have it on the authority of the FBI Academy Firearms Training Unit
0:25:54 > 0:25:56that people generally do fall down when shot,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58but only when they know they have.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59- That's the point.- Right.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Regardless of bullet, calibre or where they're hit,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04people who've been shot and don't know it yet, don't fall over.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Unless you were shot and your leg was shot off, and then you would...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09If it was shot off, you would naturally, yeah. Exactly.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12There are circumstances in which you can fall over.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14But, books, films and TV have educated us
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- that we are supposed to fall down, that's why.- Right.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Now, is it wrong to eat people?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Oh!
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I think it's wrong...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- An undergraduate philosophy class, this, isn't it?- Yes, isn't it, yeah.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Well, it depends on the circumstances.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It would not have been wrong to eat Hitler, I would argue.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I think it's wrong to eat this one.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Yeah.- Unless that's Hitler.- Yeah.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Ah, well, yeah. That's a very good ethical point.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Are you saying there are some circumstances where...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Well, cannibalism is not illegal in Britain.- Is it not?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Murder is, so to kill someone in order to eat them
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- is obviously illegal.- It is frowned upon. Dealt with by magistrates.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- If I had to lose a liver, I mean, sorry, not a liver...- A kidney.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- A kidney, yeah.- Don't lose your liver.- How many livers have you got?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01A liver transplant, maybe. I might give my old liver to someone
0:27:01 > 0:27:03and say, "By all means fry it up with some onions if you want to."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Oh, wow.- Well, you can eat placenta, can't you?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Placenta is commonly fried after, yeah.- Yes.- Absolutely.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10There's a special fork that, for cannibalism,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12there's a three pronged fork
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and I've always thought that if you saw one laid on a table
0:27:14 > 0:27:16when you'd been invited, it probably...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- That's the time to move away.- Yeah.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- So, it's technically not illegal to eat anyone?- No.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And so, if you were to, you know, at a funeral for a...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25just have a little nibble of a toe or something.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Well, you'd definitely need permission. As with anything.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Why hasn't anyone started, you know, in times of a recession, going,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"Do you know what? I hardly walk anyway, so..."
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Absolutely.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"Just have the left one."
0:27:39 > 0:27:43There are people in the recession who hardly walk!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47That's a bad one, isn't it?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48That is a really bad recession.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Can't even walk now.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53According to the law, eating people, or bits of people, is not wrong.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Which brings me to the grisly business of the final scores,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58and how interesting they are.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Way out... Well, not way out, but slightly last,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I'm sorry to say, with minus 19 is Jason Manford.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Trailing clouds of glory in a very respectable third place,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- would you believe it, Alan Davies. - Thank you very much.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Second, with minus eight, Bill Bailey.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Minus eight.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Which can only mean that the winner is our token Dane,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34with plus six, Sandi Toksvig.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37APPLAUSE
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And with that, it's a big thank you and good night
0:28:45 > 0:28:47from Sandi, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50And we leave you with the last words of the poet Richard Savage,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52who died in 1743.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"I have something to say to you, sir...
0:28:55 > 0:28:56"No, 'tis gone."
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Good night.