0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38where this week we're under doctor's orders
0:00:38 > 0:00:40as we dissect a medley of maladies.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Joining me in the waiting room with
0:00:42 > 0:00:46a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14So buzzers, please, nurse.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Lucy goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18DOCTOR ZHIVAGO THEME
0:01:23 > 0:01:26For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28that was Dr Zhivago's theme music.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Matt goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:34DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME
0:01:34 > 0:01:37For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Ross Noble, he goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42DOCTOR WHO THEME
0:01:47 > 0:01:50No, I don't know what that was. LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:51And Alan goes...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Well, goodness, gracious me. #
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Oh, more of that.- Yeah, goodness, gracious me, there you are.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups
0:02:04 > 0:02:05and let's see what the trouble is.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:10What did Typhoid Mary die of?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, don't start.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:16DOCTOR WHO THEME Yes, Ross?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Was it lack of circulation to her toe?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yes, it is a possibility.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Is it typhoid?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27KLAXON Oh, no!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37And she was known as Typhoid Mary.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid.- Erm...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Why am I interrupting you? I don't even know.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46That's QI!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- There was nothing wrong with her. - Car crash.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Boredom, she died of boredom, waiting to get typhoid...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- That's what I was going to say. - ..and never getting it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55She had typhoid.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57But she never had symptoms?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Yes! Thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02You're welcome, Stephen Fry!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Typhoid Mary, round about the turn of the century,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09was a cook in New York. An Irish immigrant.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- As the name would suggest.- Yep.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16And she had typhoid, but no symptoms. She wasn't ill.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22But she was able to give it to others. And she did.
0:03:22 > 0:03:2430, 40, 50 people, possibly.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Must be freezing in that ward, with all that snow.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It's taken his mind off the fact that he's being
0:03:33 > 0:03:35attacked by an octopus.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Something with trailing legs.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- LUCY:- They're all lying there saying,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"Glad to be sharing a ward with you."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50The sad thing is that she was not a nice person by any
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- way of looking at it.- All right, Stephen, she's dead, come on.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The thing is, she worked in households as a cook,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- So she knew that she was a carrier. - Oh, she was a carrier?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Because she was put into quarantine.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13And then she could go free as long as she never worked in service again,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17didn't cook. Within weeks, she got another job as a cook.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20And she tried to hide from the authorities.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24So she ended up, the last two decades of her life, in quarantine.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26She died of pneumonia, in fact.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29How did she pass it on? Saliva? Fluids, body fluids.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Because she... Yes, she had typhoid.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- She went... - EXHALES
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- She actually coughed.- She didn't have to wee in the soup or anything?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Until her name has become synonymous... LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:46Now, what's the most deadly thing you can find in a doctor's waiting room?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- And you can look at that picture... - A copy of the Daily Telegraph.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:57- ROSS:- I'm guessing, looking at that example, is it the tiny baby bear
0:04:57 > 0:05:02which has crawled out from inside that plant there?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Hang on, right next to a lamp? Water, next to electricity?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- LAUGHTER - That's a health and safety nightmare!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"These people are seconds from death, why?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine.- Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:23On an electrical fire?! Are you mad?!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Come on!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- LUCY:- Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33That WOULD be dangerous. Actually, Ross got it straight away.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Shut your face.- It's the bear. - I knew it was the bear!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Aha! The murderer is in this very room!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You can't trust bears, bears are shifty.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- Can I say, that isn't actually a bear.- It looks like a bear.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52If it were a bear,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54it would be far and away the most dangerous thing in the room.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I say to you, prove it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's a soft, cuddly toy.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases.- Yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It's Bear Mary.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Bear's Bear, yes.- Typhoid Bear. - LUCY:- Typhoid Beary, yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Typhoid Bearer! Do you see what she did there!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Typhoid Bearer, eh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Because a bear can't...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19A bear can't shit in the woods...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I don't know if I can really say this, it sounds odd,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27but the bear can't be wiped down.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You've tried!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Well, it CAN obviously be wiped down...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35You've wiped a lot of bears down, come on, Stephen!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- You can chuck it in the machine, can't you? Your teddy bear?- I do.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Yeah.- You can do what? - Chuck it in the machine.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52- On a hot wash, on a boil.- You can.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54There is something very eerie
0:06:54 > 0:06:56when you put kids' toys in the machine and wash them
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- and you just see their little faces pressed against the glass.- Aw!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Because you say to the kids, you next! - LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Children sit there, watching them going round and round.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Hey! You're right!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12His real name is Winnie the Filthy Shit.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:17APPLAUSE
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Thank you, thank you very much.
0:07:21 > 0:07:2713.5% of hard toys in GP's waiting rooms...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Don't google that, whatever you do!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Don't google hard toys, don't google wiping down bears...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It's a nightmare.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Certainly not Winnie the Filthy Shit.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:50She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Not while you're eating, anyway.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57A shocking 90% of soft toys had serious,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00moderate to heavy bacterial contamination.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02That's what I want to leave you with.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Why do you think that the magazines in doctor's waiting rooms
0:08:08 > 0:08:10are so dull, so uninteresting?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Because people steal the good ones, presumably?- Is the right answer!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Very good!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- It's as simple as that.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Then I'm not the only one then, that is good.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34You might be able to...
0:08:34 > 0:08:40Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature in the booths
0:08:40 > 0:08:44at a place of fluid deposits?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Sperm banks?- That's the word I'm looking for, yes.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Are they taken away?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54What I'm saying is, when they provide the, ah-hem-hem,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58where does that stand in the, you know?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01On the filth scale, what are we...?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Because I have only done that once.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05And there wasn't literature.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Hang on, hang on, no. No, it was a regular doctor's...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It was a sperm building society.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It was a regular...? What?!
0:09:20 > 0:09:21You went to the doctor's for a wank?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:25No, no.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30right out in the countryside.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Miles away.- Good!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- And I needed to do the... - Were you on a register?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I am now. But we lived too far away...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Your sperm have died. - Exactly! By the time you drove in.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54So my wife said, "Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- "and you nip into the..."- Oh...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And the only thing that was in there was,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02you know on a ladies' sanitary bag,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There are very few things that I'm happy to admit in public,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- I, fully, to the, with the... - You didn't do it in the bag?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is,
0:10:25 > 0:10:30when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank and they provide you with...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:36They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits,
0:10:36 > 0:10:37the One Direction special.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Yes.- Or whatever.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47I believe that's why Harry Styles' hair goes like...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Something About Harry!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52APPLAUSE
0:10:57 > 0:10:58So there we are.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Which bits of your bodies could you do without?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I'm going to give you an example of a human body.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10So that you can possibly... That's for you two.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17That is one of the most macabre bobble heads I've ever seen.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Whoohoo!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- LUCY:- Should we take out the bits we think...?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yeah, take out a bit that you think we can do without.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You're taking out the entire intestines?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:35There goes the liver.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38There goes one lung. And another.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Don't know what that is, but it's going.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Ulgh!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:48You got that right, that's one dead human.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Are you offering me a lung?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Half a brain?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No, I was just trying to make a pork pie.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Fine! Fine.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01There it is!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- If you're...- A kidney.- A kidney. That's what I was looking for.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- between you and the kidney. - I couldn't get to the kidney.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Now I can't get it back together again. Nurse!
0:12:18 > 0:12:23I'm going to say if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's a very good question, why men have nipples.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Well, because they look hot when they're pierced,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29but apart from that...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I don't know why else you would need one.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34The fact is there are lots of bits you can do without.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- Tonsils, obviously, you knew that. - Appendix. You have those out.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- You've given me a kidney, which is good.- I can't get it back together.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Gall bladder, you could give me. Sinuses.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Head.- Sinuses? - You don't need a face.- Testes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I mean, obviously we like having testes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Mine hasn't got any testes.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- You won't die if they're taken away. Uterus.- Uterus, ovaries, all that.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- You can lose those. - Basically, all you need is a neck.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Half your brain can go. In fact, there is an operation -
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- a hemispherectomy.- You've done very well with that.- Thanks.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:11APPLAUSE
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- If you remove...- Oh, hang on. Hair. What about hair?- Yes.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21What do you reckon, Matt?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Well, I don't know why you're asking me.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver?- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- It would grow back.- Yes. That's the thing about livers.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- They do, they regenerate. You get that back.- Teeth, obviously.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47The bones in your leg, fibula and tibia.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48The fibula isn't load-bearing,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51so you could lose that and still be able to walk.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Really? I'll have that out.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55I'm going to do it.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Can you name one of the most famous people on earth who has gone
0:14:00 > 0:14:03without a lung since he was a teenager?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04He, it's a he.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Justin Bieber.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber.- Barack Obama. No, I can't.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Hang on a minute. More famous than Justin Bieber. Harry Styles.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Argentinian.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I don't know foreign people. What's all this about?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23There's only one truly famous Argentinian.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- I don't know!- LUCY:- Pele. - I don't watch that show.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Diego Maradona is the only one I know.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31No, the Pope!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- LUCY:- Oh, yes! He is quite famous.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Pope Francis, There he is.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Oh, yes.- He's gone happily without a lung for a long time.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So what happened when they were picking him
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and all that smoke's coming out the top...? Oh, I bet he was wheezing.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"Yeah, you're the Pope!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:51"Oh, my lung. Oh, my lung. My lung's playing up, mate."
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Was he born with one lung?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57No, as a teenager he had one removed. So, good.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Can you pop your bodies away? Did I just say that? Put your bodies away.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- We just reacted as if that was normal.- There's a kidney.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08OK, who might be having sex on your face right now?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Kim and Kanye?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- In your dreams.- They love it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Who is having sex on your face right now?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Bacteria. It's usually bacteria so go with me on this one.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25- LUCY:- Mites.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31- You said mites, mites was the right answer. Mites.- Mites.- MITE be.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Let's consider this.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39There are mites that live on the human face.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40AUDIENCE GROAN
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- They unfortunately... - They're disgusted already.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Don't go any further.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye, most of them are not.
0:15:48 > 0:15:5214%?! Visible?!
0:15:52 > 0:15:57"I like your moustache," and then it starts curling up...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Not that visible.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02They're very, very small.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- They have no anuses. - Oh, thank God for that!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08No.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I don't mind the intercourse, it shitting I can't stand.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Unfortunately, Alan, unfortunately the fact they have no anuses
0:16:18 > 0:16:20means that when they die,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31- That's what happens. - Is this 14% waste you can see?- No.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- But what percentage...?- That's a lovely tan you've got there.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You may be right.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48But what percentage, using tracking that waste voided at the death
0:16:48 > 0:16:52of the mite on account of its having no anus, what percentage
0:16:52 > 0:16:56of human beings has been calculated to have mites on their face?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Oh, I know this.- Yes? - But I'm not going to tell you.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I'll guess at either 12 or 86.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Any other thoughts? - 0.1 of a percent.- High.
0:17:09 > 0:17:16The answer is 100%. We all have these mites on our faces. All of us.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23And you can't wash them out. They are perfectly happy to have water...
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Her Majesty the Queen?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Her Majesty the Queen... - Royal mites.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32..has anusless mites wandering about willy-nilly on her face?
0:17:32 > 0:17:38- Ja wohl! German mites!- Unbelievable. Her Royal Highness?!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Hard to believe, isn't it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43But there it is, we all have mites on our face but there are also,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45some people believe, two thirds,
0:17:45 > 0:17:51and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites. Although...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55one of us here won't have eyebrow mites.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Matt might not have eyebrows.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- So he doesn't. So he doesn't. - I don't got no eyebrows cos...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Mum says it's cos I'm special.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- You are special.- I am.- You are.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- I lost my hair when I was six. - Was it traumatic?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Did you bang your head or something?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- Well, you know, cos Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree.- Yeah.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Well, it was my head he landed on.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29I think it's an overactive immune system, that something happened
0:18:29 > 0:18:33and then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair."
0:18:33 > 0:18:36It treated your hair as a foreign invader.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day and we didn't have the window open.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I don't know.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Maybe you're just a super-evolved human,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44cos we don't really need hair.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46No, we do. This country's cold.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:53We do. We do. I suffer. I do suffer.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Come on.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Who wants it? Alan, Ross, me? Who wants it?- Go on. You. Go on.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Yeah, well, no, it's not. It is not penis. It isn't the penis.- Isn't it?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Can your penis do that?- It may...
0:19:20 > 0:19:25Maybe it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis,
0:19:25 > 0:19:30and so is a trunk, but really, truly resembling in structure.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34That not one there, is it, down at the bottom?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He's got tusks down there.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Stephen, move out the way.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Yeah, no, the elephant can...- Oh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Good God.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Yes, all right. All right. Very amusing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53There's an animal that has organs of generation.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Let's laugh at that for a long time.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Yeah, but it is quite funny.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:02ALAN SNIGGERING
0:20:04 > 0:20:08What is it about the trunk? We have an organ that is like the trunk.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Is it the prehensility? Is that a word?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15African elephants have... The end have almost like lips which can
0:20:15 > 0:20:19pick up a blade of grass. Prehensile kind of little bits there.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23But that's... The actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- ROSS:- Hang on. - I mean, the lips.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- LUCY:- Have you given us the answer? - The tongue.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Our tongue is the same. Our tongue is also a muscle.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It's a muscular hydrostat.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36The reason the trunk can take on any shape is
0:20:36 > 0:20:39because it's all muscle and mostly, therefore, water,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42which you wouldn't think of a muscle but it's true.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46And water can't be compressed, of course. Liquids cannot be compressed.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50It can. I've had a Capri Sun and they've got that packet.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So that means like, you can pull a muscle,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58so does that mean that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away
0:20:58 > 0:21:03and it'll go, "Oh, God! Oh! I've got a cramp up my trunk."?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- It's a horrible thought. - And they have to rub a bit of...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11While on the subject of muscles,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15which of us here has the strongest muscle?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- ROSS:- Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- LUCY:- I don't look like that. - For the birthing.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Yes, so which muscle would it be? - Pelvic floor?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28They're always going on about the pelvic floor.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- It's the uterus. - Oh, the uterus.- It's a muscle.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34And of all the muscles in the human body,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42The amount of force it exerts is equivalent to a longbow.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- So if you imagine...- Good God.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"Don't have a longbow under there, please."
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- ROSS:- Is that why when my wife went into labour,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53she put an apple on my head?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high -
0:22:01 > 0:22:05500 lbs per square inch, roughly, which is enormous.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09The gluteus maximus is the largest muscle, the buttock muscle.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12But it is the uterus that wins the prize.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus, the arse muscles there.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19This is a true thing, right?
0:22:19 > 0:22:25It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:28That's true.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32That is absolutely 100% true and I've tried it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36And the beautiful thing...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- You mean you put it in the crack, in the cleavage?- As much as you want.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45But he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49If you put the egg between the buttocks
0:22:49 > 0:22:51then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53impossible to crack the egg.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Now, here's the thing. I know that to be true,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58but there might be people watching this who question that.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- I like to think, all over the country...- People are now...
0:23:02 > 0:23:07- introducing eggs into the area. - Is Noble lying or not?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12if someone else is there to go like that...
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- Then that's not the muscle doing it. - OK, yeah.- That's the point.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Can you by a twitch, a pulling in? I'm doing it now.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- The worry would be...- Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- That's the worry.- That's probably melting rather than...
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I think the worry is that you do it, the egg could go right up.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- That's a worry?- That's interesting...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:40APPLAUSE
0:23:45 > 0:23:50So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat,
0:23:50 > 0:23:51like an elephant's trunk.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Who has the best teeth in the world?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- I really like this question. - The Bee Gees.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- The Bee Gees, they had good teeth. ROSS:- John Bishop.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'm looking for a nation.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Americans.- A people. KLAXON
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Did you say Americans? - No, I didn't say it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Is it Scandin...?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- It must be the Scandinavians. - No.- Oh, no...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- The English.- Yes!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- The British!- Yes!- The British have the best teeth in the world.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18CHEERING
0:24:18 > 0:24:20APPLAUSE It's true.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- According to...- We win again!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25According to the OECD,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28the Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- the international body... - Well remembered.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33..they looked at all the different nations of the Earth
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and they found that, according to fillings and decay and so on,
0:24:36 > 0:24:41that British children had the best teeth on planet Earth.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Did they just go to one particular school in the Nottingham?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- I don't think so.- They said that's cos we've got less fillings.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Maybe it cos we don't go to the dentist at all?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Fewer fillings. - Fewer fillings.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- Knock, knock.- Who's there?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00- To.- To who?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, it's "to whom?".
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:08APPLAUSE Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And now, as is our general practice,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Fingers on buzzers. What did Gabriele Falloppio call these?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25DOCTOR ZHIVAGO THEME Yes, Lucy?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- ATTEMPTS ITALIAN ACCENT: - My bloody tubes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31My bloody tubes. He didn't call them tubes.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME - Are they those...?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37What do they call it? Beats, those headphones, Beats?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Fallopians by Dre.- Yeah.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Fallopian tubes, we think of, but Falloppio...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He called them something else.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- A lady's pipes.- Yeah.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56He thought they reminded him of what were in those days
0:25:56 > 0:25:59rather long musical instruments with an end like a trumpet's bell.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04These were tubas. So he called them tubas.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10And if you have a tuba, if you have a word ending in A in Italian,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13how do you pluralise it? What is two tuba?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Tu-be.- Tub-e.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18With an E on the end, spelt T-U-B-E.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So it went around the world as his "tub-e", his tubas,
0:26:22 > 0:26:27people saw the world tube but in fact he called them tubas.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28So now when a lady breaks wind, she can say,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- "I'm sorry, it's just my fallopian tubas."- It's the old tuba.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Exactly. Here's a quick, easy question. What's a hip fracture?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- A crack in the hip bone? - Is it not really a fracture
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- and that's why you're asking us? - KLAXON
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's weird to say this, but it's true.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thighbone, there.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58OK, but what if you actually fracture your hip?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59That's a pelvic fracture.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02All right, but what if you actually fracture your pelvis?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05We could go on and then...
0:27:05 > 0:27:06No, it does seem mad.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09It's a question that was designed simply to get points
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- out of Alan and it worked.- Well, no wonder the doctors are going mad.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15It is a bit peculiar, I grant you.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And we now come coughing and spluttering
0:27:17 > 0:27:22to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Oh, my.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31clear skin, free of mites, on nine points,
0:27:31 > 0:27:32it's Lucy Porter.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thank you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41In second place, almost as healthy,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43it's Ross Noble on seven points.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:53On minus five, with a tickly throat and not looking too well,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55it's Matt Lucas.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:06And groaning and wheezing at death's door
0:28:06 > 0:28:08on minus 44,
0:28:08 > 0:28:09- Alan Davies.- What?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I'll leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27When I was born, I was so ugly,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30the doctor slapped my mother.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Good night.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE