0:00:30 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Tonight were making a meal of it with a muster of master chefs.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45On tonight's mouthwatering menu, mincing his words, Phill Jupitus.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Mixing her metaphors, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Marinating in his own juices, Dermot O'Leary.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And with a soggy bottom, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:14So let's hear their buzzers. Cariad goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Food, glorious food. #
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Phill goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22# Hot sausage and mustard. #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Dermot goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# While we're in the mood
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# Cold jelly and custard. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And Alan goes.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34LOUD BELCH
0:01:40 > 0:01:45So, what's missing from this menu?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Three tortoises.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Can you imagine the anal retentives looking at that picture at home?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I just want to say "hare."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04KLAXON
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Welcome to our world, Cariad.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11The tortoises and the hare, not, sadly.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- 69 tortoises.- 69 tortoises,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17and the bitch ain't one.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- That's what we were thinking of. - Is that a song?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I believe it's popular in the hit parade right now.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You've had that on Radio 2, I'm sure.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32What do we know about tortoises?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35They are old.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39There is one that just died that was around in George III's time.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- There was.- How would you know if it was dead?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It belonged to Clive of India. Sorry?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47You'd have to wait a few months to be sure it's dead.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Don't bury it, for God's sake.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Why do you think they have such enormous shells?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They've got big TVs.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Lot of stuff.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02That's the thing about getting old, you look around and you think,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05my God, look how much shit I've got.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08If you're an agoraphobic tortoise.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Terrifying.- It's better than being a claustrophobic tortoise.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16To return to our question, these tortoises
0:03:16 > 0:03:20are evidence of the first ever human feast.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22The first-ever menu.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Rather than just eating. A real feast.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28There were 71 tortoises consumed at this feast,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31it would seem from archaeological evidence.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35So Alan said there were three tortoises missing from that list.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40In fact, there were two missing, because it should have been 71
0:03:40 > 0:03:43instead of 69, so you're going to have to have a point for that.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Why not?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'm plus one so I'm not going to speak again.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57There was a female shaman's body discovered next to all
0:03:57 > 0:04:01these shells and it seems there was a giant feast.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It was 12,000 years ago.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Seems just unfair, really.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10You're basically born with a wok on your back.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12The original microwave meal.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14The tortoise.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Just pierce the top.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19GROANS
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It was 12,000 years ago, guys! I wasn't there!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Too soon!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29If it's anything like a micro meal, you stab it lots of times.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Never sure how many they mean when they say.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Have you got a set number you do?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38The idea of you at the microwave!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I had to do TV dramas where you...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"I was playing a rough type!"
0:04:48 > 0:04:52My microwave annoys me, I used to have one that just went ping,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55that was fine. Ping - it's finished. Come and get it, don't get it,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58whatever, we're just letting you know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Now we've got one that goes, beep, beep, beep, beep...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07As your food slowly reverses out of the kitchen.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I'm at the other end going, "I know! In a minute!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"Sorry, the microwave is pissing me off."
0:05:23 > 0:05:27If we leave the fridge open, it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31The washing machine is going, "I'm finished! Beep, beep, beep!"
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Oh, Jesus. It must be like living with Kraftwerk.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Get them all synced up right.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42These weren't microwaved, were they, Stephen?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44These were not microwaved.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46They were roasted in their shells.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- Alive, probably?- Yeah. Heroes in a half shell. Very sad.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Very sad.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Leonardo, Donatello...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Is that Splinter at the bottom?
0:06:03 > 0:06:09So why wouldn't you want to share a meal with these men?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11They'd kill you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Looks like it. As you can see they've got napkins.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18That doesn't mean they won't kill you!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Share a meal with this lot, bad idea.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22- Cannibals?- Lethal foods.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25They eat people!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28They were paid in meals,
0:06:28 > 0:06:33three meals a day was their reward for eating...poison,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37or at least eating additives that could be considered dangerous.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It was the first move on the part of the US Department of Agriculture
0:06:41 > 0:06:45to codify the possibility of additives being something
0:06:45 > 0:06:49that you could regulate, so they got these volunteers
0:06:49 > 0:06:52who swiftly gained the nickname "The Poison Club."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55They ate some extraordinary things.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00October 1902 to July 1903, they experimented with eating borax.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Their Christmas menu was applesauce, borax, soup, borax,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07turkey, borax, borax, carrots, green beans,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11sweet potatoes, white potatoes, turnips, borax,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15chipped beef, cream gravy, cranberry sauce, celery, pickles,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18rice pudding, milk, bread and butter, tea, coffee, little borax."
0:07:18 > 0:07:19They were well fed.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"I don't like borax!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"You're having it! I've told you, it's Christmas,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"everyone's having borax! Your dad likes it."
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"And now Andy Williams with A Very Borax Christmas."
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Can you name something that we use borax for today?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Is it an element?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Cleaning.- Washing powder.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Cleaning, as a detergent, but it's used as a fire retardant
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and an antifungal compound.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Quite useful to have in your system then, really?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Resistant to poison and flames.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's true!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57No record of any of them actually dying but they were weighed
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and their blood pressure was taken and their pulse and everything else.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Until 1912 when they introduced LD50 testing
0:08:03 > 0:08:04and then it all went tits up.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09And in 1906, Congress passed a couple of acts,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12the Meat Inspection Act and the Pure Food And Drug Act,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16which was to help with food, for the first time, that was the point.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21There you are, never accept a dinner invitation from The Poison Squad.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Who likes to feast on a breakfast menu of horse manure,
0:08:24 > 0:08:30rancid pickled mudfish, Thai Boy shrimp and Big Cock shrimp paste?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Vietnamese? This is items...
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I got sent some Big Cock paste.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42An Amazon order went terribly wrong in your house.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47It exists, Big Cock shrimp paste and Thai Boy shrimp paste, both exist.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'm married to a Norwegian,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54and they eat a dish all over Norway called lutefisk,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57which is a jellified fish, and it's cod, really,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00but they bury it and dry it out,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and then they served this for me, my in-laws.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Those bastards!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10They saw you coming, mate! They saw you coming.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13My mother-in-law made me a fish pie, it was delicious.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17So I ate this thing and I did what we always do
0:09:17 > 0:09:20when you don't like something and you're round someone's house.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"OH, GOD!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"WHAT IS THIS?!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I just ate it really quickly,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32at which point my mother-in-law went,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"This is fantastic, you must have some more."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38And I finished and I thought, I've got to be honest with them,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42and I said," I'm really sorry but I really don't like it."
0:09:42 > 0:09:46They went, "We hate it, we're only serving it because you're here."
0:09:48 > 0:09:52That's Norwegian...
0:09:52 > 0:09:57It may be the case that that's what this particular feaster
0:09:57 > 0:09:58on these foods also thinks,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01but it seems unlikely because it's not human.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I was going to say, is it an animal?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- It is a living creature. Very beautiful.- Flamingo.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Not a flamingo, it's one you'd find in Britain
0:10:09 > 0:10:12and in fact it's in Britain that it's offered this food.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Regularly, once a year as a sort of tribute to its beauty.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Prince Philip.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23APPLAUSE
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Has it got four legs?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Six. Six legs.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Is it an ant?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38It's not an ant but it is definitely an insect.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Is it a bee?- No, but it's a flying insect.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Is it a fly?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It has the word "fly" in its family name.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Dragonfly.- A butterfly.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51A species of butterfly.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54A very beautiful butterfly.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It's a Purple Emperor.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58A cock-hungry Purple Emperor.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Yes.- "Settled on my bell-end."
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Please!- "At four o'clock in the morning."
0:11:09 > 0:11:14"I was out in the garden the other day and I was admiring a cock-hungry Purple Emperor
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"on my red-hot poker."
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"There was paste everywhere."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"The poor bugger couldn't take off."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Now, calm down.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Anyway, they live in the trees high up,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42so how do they know they have a taste for all this?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Well, they've been observed midsummer coming down from their usual
0:11:46 > 0:11:49feeding areas high in the trees and going for cowpats
0:11:49 > 0:11:53and that sort of thing, and other rotting and horrible things,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57and so - because they are so admired and particularly in Northamptonshire,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01a little picnic is spread out for them in midsummer
0:12:01 > 0:12:06including rancid pickled mudfish, fox guts, stinking Big Cock shrimp paste,
0:12:06 > 0:12:10and Thai Boy shrimp paste, and they seem to like this,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12possibly because of its sodium content.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15No-one is quite sure but it's a weird thing
0:12:15 > 0:12:19if you find yourself midsummer in Northamptonshire, follow the smell.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Lots of those beautiful animals.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- In a forest, they lay this out, did you say?- In a clearing.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28You could get into real trouble
0:12:28 > 0:12:30if you go looking for a dodgy smell in a forest.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33If you go looking for the smell of sodium and shrimp paste,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37you might walk into something other than a butterfly celebration.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Especially in Northamptonshire.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45What are you implying, especially in Northamptonshire?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Just suggesting.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50That they indulge in butterfly dogging, is that what you're saying?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Maybe.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Anyway, a beautiful animal, the Purple Emperor butterfly.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Likes to start its today with rancid pickled mudfish,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Thai Boy shrimp paste and Big Cock shrimp paste.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Mmm.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What are you, 12?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16When will the phrase "Big Cock shrimp paste" not be funny?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Never.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24All right, name two things you can get from a kangaroo's nipple.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- I bet they don't lactate. - Oh, they do.- Is it a trick?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32They do lactate and that's what's so interesting.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Castlemaine XXXX out of one, Foster's out of the other.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40They have little babies that are born almost foetuses.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Like little maggots, they're tiny little wriggly things, called joeys.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And then they have to crawl to the pouch.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And the nipples are in the pouch.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53But there might be a much older brother or sister in there.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55They can do something with their eggs, can't they?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00If they're nursing one joey, they can hold off the egg...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Quite the reverse, they can have two joeys who are
0:14:03 > 0:14:06completely different ages and have different needs.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Yeah.- That's the thing. There they are.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13The nipples know whether it is a young joey who needs
0:14:13 > 0:14:15a kind of semi-skimmed milk,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19which is not so very rich and strong and thick, and there's the older joey
0:14:19 > 0:14:22at another nipple, or even the same nipple later on,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and it will know that it's an older joey and give it a much thicker...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And that's a rather magical trick.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32It's because of the power of the suction. The young ones don't suck so hard,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35whereas when they really have a go, which the older ones do, they get...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38How do the scientists find these things out?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What are they doing?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- AUSSIE ACCENT:- "I'm just popping off down to the kangaroo enclosure for a bit of a suck."
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"That's rich, that's definitely rich."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"I'm going to suck quite powerfully."
0:14:52 > 0:14:57"I'm taking my younger brother. My younger brother is going to suck a little bit less."
0:14:57 > 0:15:01If you saw a kangaroo with a tiny, tiny joey and a big joey
0:15:01 > 0:15:03both still suckling,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08you would wonder if they needed the same sort of proteinous drink.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11It wouldn't have crossed my mind, Stephen, to be honest.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I saw one once and they're quite fun.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15There was a little joey and the tourists came round
0:15:15 > 0:15:19in this wildlife park, and it got a little bit spooked
0:15:19 > 0:15:23so it bounded across to its mother and just leapt in, headfirst.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24They do that.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26The mother went "Oof," like this,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and then it was stuck in the sack.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29And you see the legs...
0:15:29 > 0:15:33She was going, "Oh, for God's sake!" Then his head came out.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You think the legs are going to burst through.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38How are they holding that?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40A bin liner couldn't hold them.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Stronger than a bin liner.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I'm sorry, this is the only show where I hear sentences like that.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"That's the miracle of kangaroo suckling. Next."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I'm going to give you another little teaser.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01When human mothers give suck to their infants,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03they are feeding two species.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Right?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- The baby is one of them.- Yes. One is a human child.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Bacteria?- Very specifically, it is a bacteria,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19you may say it's feeding the baby and then of course the bacteria,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22but this is not feeding the baby, it is only feeding the bacteria.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25In human breast milk, there are oligosaccharides
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and these are indigestible to human babies,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32but they are adored by the bacteria in the baby's tummy,
0:16:32 > 0:16:38so they bypass the baby's system to go to the stomach to feed the healthy bacteria.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- That's great.- Isn't that pleasing?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- It's rather nice. - Mothers, always giving.
0:16:43 > 0:16:49Always. "Who else needs feeding? The bacteria, fine! I'll do it!"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Perfect parasite.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56"Why didn't you tell me he was coming for dinner?"
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Who would like to see some milky magic because I want to show you...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Stranger danger! - APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I wish I hadn't put it like that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16If a man says this to you in a park, say no.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"Would you like to see my milky magic?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You know what I meant.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"Would you like to see my milky magic?"
0:17:26 > 0:17:28OK, I've got some...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32lovely milky things.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Stop saying it!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, now, because here we are.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41This is just the thing about milk, there's never enough,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43you always want more.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49This is what happens when you get to the clearing in Northamptonshire.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Bear with me.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Here we have some milk, what I'd like to do is just transfer it
0:17:58 > 0:18:03along the way, from smaller to larger glasses, as you can see.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07This will fill it about halfway up, maybe, just checking the size.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Well, that fills it up completely. - That's weird.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13That's all right, that's good,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16because we've got more than we started off with.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Fast forward, fast forward.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- No!- Got to have that, haven't you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24That makes sense.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27And then see if we can get even more, because what we're doing
0:18:27 > 0:18:29is earning ourselves lots and lots of milk.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33It's got to be good, surely. There we are.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Can you do this with wine?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Oh, no! You're Jesus!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It's quite pleasing, isn't it?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"That's how we get the European milk mountain."
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Somehow you can find much out of little
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and that's maybe a lesson in life.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Redefines the second coming anyway. - Exactly.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Oh, what?- Oh, no.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10"And then Stephen took a can of tuna
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"and lo, he did share it out amongst the audience."
0:19:14 > 0:19:18And that's how much we've now got, out of nowhere.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:28There we are.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- From milk to meat... - Whoa, whoa, whoa,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33aren't you going to tell us how you did it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Oh, Alan, you know well enough the milky magician never tells.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Disappointing.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50For a meaty question,
0:19:50 > 0:19:55why did five Royalist men from Milton fail to eat their own buttocks?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- They were trying to?- Yes. That's the weird thing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05That's what that man has just suggested in the corner.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"Guys, look. I think we should eat our own buttocks."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And everyone's "No."
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That's what happened in a pub.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Too painful for them? - Was it a dare, like a bet?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19How did I describe...?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21See how much they love the king?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Yes, I described them as Royalists
0:20:23 > 0:20:27so that must mean they came from the 17th century, civil war time.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Just to stick it to Cromwell. "Up yours, Cromwell."
0:20:31 > 0:20:35They were Cavaliers. They wanted to toast the king's health.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39And they wanted to show that they were more loyal than
0:20:39 > 0:20:42just about anyone else, and to hell with beer, to hell with wine,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45we're going to toast him in our own blood,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49and the best way to get a bit of blood is to prick your thumb,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51but no. Slice off their buttocks.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But why the bum? How does the bum show you're loyal?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The biggest muscle, they thought they'd have some to spare.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01The Royal Fat-Arse Regiment, I don't know.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03They probably thought that it wouldn't hurt too much
0:21:03 > 0:21:07but in fact what happens is they sliced off a bit of butt cheek
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and it bled profusely. It was shocking.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Men, to the delicatessen. On to the slicer with you!"
0:21:17 > 0:21:20"To the King! Wow!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23As long as they didn't have any salami.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I think the idea was they sat on a gridiron
0:21:27 > 0:21:30and a bit of buttock poked out and they sliced off...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36They must have been so pissed when they came up with it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42You'd only even come up with it if you were pissed.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47They did that, the blood poured out and everyone got in a panic.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Their wives heard about it and were furious.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"What's he done?"
0:21:52 > 0:21:56"I'm feeding two species, I haven't got time to pick him up!"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59There was so much loss of blood, the whole thing was a disaster.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- We know about this...- You think they still talk about it,
0:22:03 > 0:22:07like, "Oh, that day. It was such a bad idea.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- "From start to finish." - Cut to the pub the next day,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"the special today, pork medallions."
0:22:14 > 0:22:15During the Civil War,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19five men from Milton got rather cavalier with their own buttocks.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Onto the smorgasbord of smugness that we call General Ignorance.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I'm going to say this quite fast so listen carefully.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30How much sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36There's no sugar in a sugar-free Tic Tac.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38KLAXON
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You'd done so well up to this point.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Is it sugar-free doesn't mean there is no sugar, does it?
0:22:44 > 0:22:49It does, but within certain limits according to the Food and Drug Administration.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51One calorie.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53A little bit.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56It's pretty much all sugar, but they are so small,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00the law says that if it's only half a gram of sugar it doesn't count
0:23:00 > 0:23:02as sugar, it doesn't count as anything.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05According to their own website, Tic Tac "registered trademark" mints
0:23:05 > 0:23:08do contain sugar as listed in the ingredients statement.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12However, since the amount of sugar per serving -
0:23:12 > 0:23:14one mint is a serving -
0:23:14 > 0:23:19is less than half a gram,
0:23:19 > 0:23:24FDA labelling requirements permit the nutrition facts to state
0:23:24 > 0:23:27that there are zero grams of sugar per serving.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And they wonder why people get killed with hammers.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You're weird.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41What kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Oh, God! Whoa! That should have had a warning.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Whoa! That is fucking horrible.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54It's still there. Still there. Still there.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56SHE SCREAMS
0:23:56 > 0:24:00There's a still image of one.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- It's not moving any more. - Eyes on me.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Eyes on me, eyes on me.- It's all right, Phill. It's OK.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09SHE SCREAMS
0:24:11 > 0:24:13That was naughty.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14What?!
0:24:17 > 0:24:22- What a pathetic reaction.- I'd be the same if not for all the therapy.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26It's not moving, so that's OK.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31They are very big and they are called Goliath bird-eating spiders.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34It's never eaten a bird in its life?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37That one may not have done because it's very rare for them to eat birds.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It just so happens the person who discovered it happened upon
0:24:40 > 0:24:42one eating a hummingbird.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46That's like in your family when you do something once.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53"Cariad always get sick on holiday." You're like, "It was one time!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:58Oh, Poland-invading Adolf! "Once, I invade Poland!"
0:25:02 > 0:25:06They live in South America and they are a form of tarantula.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08They will eat insects
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- and very small...- Oh, God!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Somebody help her!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Somebody help her, it's on her face and she doesn't know!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Despite its name,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23the Goliath bird-eating spider usually just eats worms.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Alan.- Hello.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Let's bring this to a beautiful conclusion.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- Cariad has been bitten by a snake. - What's happening to me?!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34This is not I'm A Celebrity!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37What should you do?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Suck her.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41KLAXON
0:25:41 > 0:25:43In every sense, no.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You can't afford it, love!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Even when you've been bitten by a cobra, you're going
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- to haggle prices.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You'd soon drop your prices once you've tried it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Do you tourniquet it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08KLAXON
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Not even a tourniquet.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Guys, I'm dying! I've been bitten by a snake!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16The spider's coming!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Stay still so it doesn't go round your blood. Is that in there?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25If you're not near a car, but drive her to a hospital.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- Take the snake if you can. - Exactly, or a photograph of it.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I didn't say selfie!
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Sort of implicit in the question that Cariad and I were alone somewhere.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Not on the M4 or something.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51I had to take drastic actions, despite her constant demands for money.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Why am I on the M4 with you? What happened to me beforehand?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56You're going to Reading! Come on!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00The answer is if you do go somewhere where you think there may be
0:27:00 > 0:27:03venomous snakes, find out where the nearest hospital is
0:27:03 > 0:27:07that has antivenom, because that's really the best thing you can have.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10But in Britain it's going to be fine. An adder is not going to kill.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I would still offer to suck you, Cariad.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16It's the right thing to do.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21If your friend has been bitten by a snake, all you need is car keys.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Any other course of action sucks.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Which brings us to the end of our feast of questions
0:27:26 > 0:27:29and so all that's left for me to do is to let you know
0:27:29 > 0:27:31how the scores are doing.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32They are doing rather wonderfully.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36In first place with a magnificent plus four,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38wearing plus-fours,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40is Phill Jupitus!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:48And with a very stunning score of nothing,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50wearing nothing - oh, that doesn't work -
0:27:50 > 0:27:53zero, Cariad!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Third-place, Dermot O'Leary with -10!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11And a very respectable, for Alan, -16!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:23So it's thank you from Cariad, Phill, Dermot, Alan and me,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26and I leave you with this mealtime story
0:28:26 > 0:28:27about rissoles.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Man goes into a restaurant and looks at the menu
0:28:30 > 0:28:33and says to the waiter, "I'll have some pissoles, please."
0:28:33 > 0:28:36And the waiter says, "No, sir, that's an R."
0:28:36 > 0:28:39He says, "Oh, I'll have some R-soles then." Thank you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE