0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32STEPHEN WAILS
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Welcome to Qi which, tonight,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40is a menagerie of animals beginning with M.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Let's meet our man children.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan...
0:00:46 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54..the marsupial Bill Bailey...
0:00:54 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59..the microscopic Sue Perkins...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05..and the missing mink Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:14So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please. Sue goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16MONKEY SCREECHES
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Stop, stop.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21..Romesh goes... MONKEY GIBBERS
0:01:21 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:23..Bill goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Which, you do, actually, don't you? - I do, yeah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30..and Alan goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Hey hey, we're the Monkees
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# People say we monkey around... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37So, it's a menagerie.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
0:01:39 > 0:01:40managing an imaginary menagerie.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Very good, well done. - Thank you very much.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45What's...? What...? What just happened?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:48We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- managing an imaginary menagerie.- Boom!- Wow.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- APPLAUSE - That certainly is impressive.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's a menagerie. Animal collections.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05All right. Now, do an impression,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08if you can, of a moose on the pull.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12A moose on the pull? OK.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13ROMESH ROARS
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- Very good.- Probably. That will enter into it.- When it goes...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"Are you a parking ticket
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.- I think it might be.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- "Fine written all over you." - I'm not actually sure what...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's not really the sound. It's actually a physical...maybe.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It's a physical impression. - Did you do that?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38A male moose would do that...?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Does it go up...?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Does it go up on its rear legs and... Eh?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Eh? See anything you like, moose lady?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Or moose gentleman. - LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, what order of mammal is a moose?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It is elk, isn't it? Or a deer?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- I've seen one.- I've seen one.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin...- Yeah?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10..and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and it was right outside the window. They're almost entirely silent.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Yes.- They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse...- Oh, right.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21..but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Frankly, they're unnerving. They're surreptitious.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Surreptitious. - I'm amazed it makes any noise...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of...?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Don't look. Look away. Pretend you're a moose
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- at a disco or something. - LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:40- Fancy a bunk up? - LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Is it something like that?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Fancy a bunk up?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- It's a moose.- He said, "Fancy a bunk up?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I sort of feel sorry for animals...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Like, well, moose. ..because they haven't got... How do you...?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00If you're going on the pull, as a moose,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02how do you stick out from the herd?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Do you know what I mean? - LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12So, the moose does something else.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- BILL:- Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:21There's an equivalent of tundra... Tinder.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it. Tindra.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27What are they, as an order of mammal?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28- They are...- Deer. - Deer, they are deer.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30What the deer's mating season?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- The males called it... - Rut.- They rut.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36One of the things they do in their rut, the males,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38is they dig a hole...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket.- OK.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45..and they urinate into the hole,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and then they pull all the...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- pissy mud, let's call it... - Sexy times.- Yup.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53..all around their legs and all around their bodies.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud.- Dirty.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01They wait for the female to come -
0:05:01 > 0:05:02who, as a female would, would go,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I like the smell of this."
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- It's muddy and it's... - Pissy!- ..slightly pissy.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Just a little touch of piss.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- and then mating happens.- And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24which is why they've got the antlers, and that's fighting with other males.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in
0:05:27 > 0:05:29by the toxic, heady brew of urine,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32mud and some slightly wonky antlers?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out
0:05:35 > 0:05:39because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- and they pass on their genes. - What does it smell like?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44As bad as it sounds, I fear.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Are you moose-curious now?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I am moose-curious.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I want to smell your mud...moosey boy.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull
0:05:59 > 0:06:01really has to splash out a bit.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, look at Selleck there.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that...?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It is a shadow.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- That's what tipped him over the edge.- It was, yes.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- He was shaving and...- So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28The more I hear about him,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30the less I like him.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Of course, we're in a menagerie world here
0:06:32 > 0:06:36so this moustache is not belonging to a human being.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37- A shark.- Is it a horse?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Is it the moustached lizard?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- LAUGHTER No.- Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Komodo dragon.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You could go dragon. It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- It's actually... - The KOMODO dragon.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Badoing, badoing.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52A gecko. A leaping lizard.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- ROMESH:- The Selleck frog.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Amphibious.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- The trampolining, amphibious...- Frog!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59- Other one.- Toad!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Is the right answer.- It's a toad?!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's a toad. It's the moustachioed toad.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- Moustachioed toad.- The Emei.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Wow.- Look at that, that is seriously dangerous.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Look how he's done it, he's gelled it up.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Those studs... Again, we're back in the rutting world.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Oh, God, look at that. - ..tear into fellow males
0:07:16 > 0:07:18so that you can get the right mate.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And then give the worst snog of all time.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Well, it lives in China,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and in the mating season, it builds up its forearms...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Oh, yeah?- Right.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31..but also for mating -
0:07:31 > 0:07:34for the grasping the female.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36And then it grows this moustache
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and then they fight a male rival
0:07:38 > 0:07:40at the bottom of the river stream
0:07:40 > 0:07:41over a particular female -
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Really, it's nasty business.
0:07:47 > 0:07:5090% of toads involved in this kind of combat are injured,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52so it's a really pretty...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Really? That's your life?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Underwater stomach ripping?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Not for me. - When they then get the female,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08they fertilise the eggs that the female has laid.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11They get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock
0:08:11 > 0:08:13or another male might challenge them for the rock and
0:08:13 > 0:08:16fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- It sheds its horns. - ..it sheds its moustache...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Its love horns. - ..and goes around clean-shaven.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, wow.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Wow.- The Emei. E-M-E-I.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Emei.- Yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons for shaving a toad,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33but why would you want to shave the monkey?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Do you know it?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41To find out if it was the Antichrist.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Have the 666 or related number, according to...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Well...- He goes to sleep and they shave him completely.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)"- It's not that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Sloth.- Are you a lazy monkey?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04I would be languid...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- A langur.- A langur.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- Oh, hello.- Where do you find langur monkeys?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That one in the middle does not look lazy.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Psychotic? Yes.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- It's langur.- Oh, right, OK. - That's what they're called.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I don't think so. It's all lemurs, I think.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25They're India. There's a lot of them.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Such a lot that there's a real problem.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30They're considered an infestation
0:09:30 > 0:09:34and so Indian authorities decided they would try something,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36which is...
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs...- Yes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- ..the alpha male...- Yup.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46..and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- the group disbands.- Oh.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation
0:09:51 > 0:09:53because they're a damn nuisance.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Pests, they're considered. I mean...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58In their own place, the jungle...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- They can be quite scary. - ..fantastic.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01It's amazing, leaping through trees.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"Oh, poor Stephen." LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Were you trying to shave it? - LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14For your own wicked purposes?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Just horrible.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I like a smooth monkey myself.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Take it away, take it away. This monkey's too hairy.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh, yes, bring him to me. I will shave him.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28No, um...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Oh! - MONKEY SHRIEKS
0:10:30 > 0:10:31ALAN JOINS IN
0:10:31 > 0:10:36In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39They were paid, in the form of bananas,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41and they basically had to police the defence centre
0:10:41 > 0:10:44where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- they were pulling women's saris off...- Paperwork?- Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys.- It was the Ministry of Defence complex.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53And so...they were small.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and they did.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59They pushed them out to the post office.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And they've worked there ever since.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Doing paperwork.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10they have to have monitors because they're protected,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15No, it's illegal to kill them.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18It's like killing a cow, they are sacred...
0:11:18 > 0:11:19in the Hindu religion.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21The God, Lord Hanuman,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23apparently, is the monkey god.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do
0:11:26 > 0:11:27but shaving seems a good answer.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Well, there you are! Now then,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31how do you titillate this ocelot?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Aww!- AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, you can't, surely... Do you?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37It's probably vicious, though, isn't it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Well done for not saying the famous thing of
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- "How do you titillate an ocelot?" - Which is to...?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Oscillate its tits a lot. LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:49You didn't do that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50This is tree ocelot,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53which actually is better known by another name
0:11:53 > 0:11:55which begins with our themed letter.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56There it is. Beautiful animal.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Oh.- Oh.- I've played with one...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00A kitten one.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01..they're absolutely extraordinary.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- You know what they're called? Margays.- Margays.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Margay. M-A-R-G-A-Y. Margay.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07- HUSKILY:- Margay.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12they are tree-dwelling.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Have you shaved it, Stephen?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:18They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that,
0:12:18 > 0:12:22not only can they climb trees headfirst...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23They can fell them...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27They can descend trees headfirst -
0:12:27 > 0:12:30which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- God, look at that.- There they are. - He's rappelling.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- He's rappelling down... - He is, isn't he?- Look at that.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- It's astonishing. - Oh, that is fascinating.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45but there are not many tree-living cats.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Are their ankles...? - Margays, they're called?- Yep.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49And the fact that other cats can't is the reason...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51The cat stuck in the tree business.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53They are stunning.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56They live in central and southern America.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57They can imitate...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01they can imitate...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Paul Daniels. - LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- They can imitate...- All the characters from Coronation Street.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH
0:13:10 > 0:13:12They imitate the calls of wild monkeys.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Jimmy Carr laughing.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18The pied tamarin is the famous one there.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Look at that.- What is that?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Head...submerged in fur.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26That's a really cute body
0:13:26 > 0:13:28attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's a pied tamarin. I don't think it usually looks quite as...
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Well, odd as that.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36A small little... Like a tree monkey?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Yep, exactly.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Now, for a question about migration,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm going to ask you all to take out a map
0:13:43 > 0:13:44that you should find beneath your desks.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Oh, yeah.- There you are.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And you've got some drawing to do on the map.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I want you to draw the extraordinary
0:13:51 > 0:13:56annual migration of the North American blue grouse
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- as accurately as you can.- Right. North America. OK, so anywhere...?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05The point is that I don't tell you until...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I've got a feeling...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11that they want to get to another bit of North America,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- but they go the wrong way... - LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17..and they end up going all the way around the world
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- and landing on the other kind of...- OK, there you go.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Florida for the sun
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and then to the Carnival in Rio
0:14:24 > 0:14:25and then to Sydney...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And then Cape Town, is it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29So they go to all the Mardi Gras?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33They're just mad for it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And then up here, where there's, like,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And then they're just knackered.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and the ones that are still alive, back home.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It's a fantastic route.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I just think that sort of
0:14:47 > 0:14:50they go... just on a trip round South America
0:14:50 > 0:14:52just to have a look - might as well make a day of it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.- Yeah.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Well, I think what happens is they start off
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04not hitting any landmass at all, and they think,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08They've no idea but, for millennia,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10they've ended up in Colchester.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Alan, yours... Show the ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Oh, dear.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You're trying not to smile.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- You're trying not to. - I don't want to look at it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- You like it.- I don't like it. I don't like it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Do I like these? I don't like these."
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- It's funny.- I don't like it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43- OK...- I don't like it!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Stop that. OK.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Incredibly,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50closest to the truth was Alan.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:54APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Hold on.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Not in your drawing
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- but in the remark you...- My first idea that they leave America
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and go right around the world and land in America again?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- No. In the remark you just made to Bill.- What?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10"I reckon they just..."
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Go about a mile to the next village.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Yes!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15It's even less than that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's extraordinary migration is 300 yards.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28My kind of bird.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I love the thought of them packing their cases...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Leaving a note for the milkman. - Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34"Unplug the telly!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and then, in the autumn,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41it schleps all the way back up the hill again.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42That's...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Does it take a long time?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46On foot, by the way. Not even flying.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Enormous.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Yes. The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It's German for movement and restlessness.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- GERMAN ACCENT:- Zugunruhe! - LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:09But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- A marsh warbler...?- Marsh warbler. - Do they copy other birds' songs?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Is it one of those?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16- Take a lot of points. - Come on, points.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19APPLAUSE You're absolutely right.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Mimicry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Usually, you think bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and almost all birds do.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33The marsh warbler doesn't,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35because its parents stop singing before it hatches.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37They've got 31 European
0:17:37 > 0:17:39and 45 African species
0:17:39 > 0:17:41in their repertoire.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46And they can switch from one to another...?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55No. You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57We can hear one.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01MARSH WARBLER SINGS
0:18:01 > 0:18:04We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..."
0:18:04 > 0:18:08If you got a marsh warbler and you just played it...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Taylor Swift or something, would it start...?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Because that's your go-to thing, is it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Let's get some Taylor Swift... - LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Taylor Swallow.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26BILL CHUCKLES
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:33No, you're going into dangerous territory there.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Dear, oh, dear.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37That's excellent.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"Taylor Swallow."
0:18:39 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I'm going to play you a bird song right now...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I had a dream about that the other night.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- No need.- I'm going to play you a bird song.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53- BILL:- No need for that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56BIRD SONG What's this?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58BIRD SONG
0:18:58 > 0:19:01"Help me. Help me."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"He's shaving me again."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:06So, we've got it over there.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07"You can't park here."
0:19:07 > 0:19:09That quite close, "Can't park."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Illegal item in the bagging area. - Morepork!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Wahey, got it. Morepork. - Morepork.- Morepork.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16There it is on the left.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- I thought you had just translated what that meant.- Yeah.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:27He said, "More pork." Correct. He's asking for more pork.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- He's asking for more pork. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:31And we've heard the marsh warbler.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37A monotonous lark.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark."
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We're going on a narrow boat holiday.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:47THAT is a monotonous lark.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I went on one of those.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"Oh, that'll will be fun. Let's go on a narrow boat holiday,"
0:19:52 > 0:19:55and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Cut to a couple of miles later,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58everyone downstairs drinking wine.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Me upstairs... - HE MIMICS ENGINE
0:20:03 > 0:20:04..for three days.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Three days like that...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09HE MIMICS ENGINE
0:20:09 > 0:20:10"Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"No, no, I'm fine up here. I'll be fine."
0:20:12 > 0:20:13HE MIMICS ENGINE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Worst weekend of my life.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- The marabou stork...- Oh, yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25..is often given the label,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"The ugliest bird in the animal kingdom..."
0:20:28 > 0:20:29That's not fair.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31OK, name an uglier one.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- All right.- Don't make me say it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37No! LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:38- Edwina Currie.- Oh!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Avian...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45SUE LAUGHS
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple.- It was safer.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55It was like you had it...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01And I DIDN'T make you say that.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06is not just its appearance.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07It's because of its behaviour.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's peevish.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14such that... They are black,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17but they become white because they get dried on, caked on...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19That's laziness, isn't it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- That would be! You're right. - That would be it, yeah.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26It dumps on its own leg...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- AS MR BURNS: - Poo on my legs, excellent.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:31 > 0:21:33They'll eat just about any creature living or dead -
0:21:33 > 0:21:36along with faeces, scraps, carrion, human rubbish -
0:21:36 > 0:21:37including shoes and pieces of metal.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39They're pretty dodgy creatures.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Now for a question about metamor...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:50What happened while I was reading...?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- He showed me that, sir.- Sir, sir.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- That is not a penis.- Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07I never drew such thing, sir.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?!
0:22:10 > 0:22:11He drew a penis on the world.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14He drew a penis on the world!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That's got... That's illegal, isn't it?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Oh, Lord.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Fingers on buzzers. All right.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Where does a mosquito go to concentrate?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- A blood bank. - LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Very good. APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:38- Library.- Library? Oh, no, Sue!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42KLAXON BLARES
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things
0:22:46 > 0:22:48and we mean a concentrate...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Where's the greatest concentration...- Oh, I see.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52..of mozzies? Where?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- A marsh.- Near rivers and things.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Yeah, well.- Swamps.- Where?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Africa? - KLAXON BLARES
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Not Africa?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Scotland. Mediterranean.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Loads of midges in Scotland.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Specifically mosquitoes.- Portugal.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- you don't get that in... - Where's that?- ..Panama,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17you don't get that in south-east Asia.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18You get that only in the Arctic.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Oh. The Arctic. Oh.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22In Alaska and Manitoba.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I've never seen... I've been to Alaska lots
0:23:27 > 0:23:28and never seen a mosquito.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Well, you have to be there at... - The right time.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Or wrong time, really, yeah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33There's the beauty that is Alaska,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35and the standing pools of water
0:23:35 > 0:23:37are perfect for mosquito breeding.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world
0:23:40 > 0:23:42are in the Arctic.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Including all the animals,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47on average, how many legs does an animal have?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49What's the average number of legs that animals have?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Oh, you... That's tough... - All living things.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- ..because you've got to balance... - Three!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- ..a millipede... - KLAXON BLARES
0:23:55 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:24:00My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:05APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17There are. Insects. Gigantic. They have six.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18That must bump the average right up.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And then you got millipedes and centipedes.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- But lots of them have none. - Worms have got none.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Stick with that thought.- So, worms have got no legs.- Slugs have none.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29One! One leg!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- That's it. - That the closest we've got.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'm afraid it's not... KLAXON BLARES
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Is it no legs?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Well, it's... 0.01 is the average.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Because there's that many worms.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Because...- Is this cos of fish?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45No, it's because nematodes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46ALL: Oh.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Yeah, they're a sort of worm.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49There are ten to the power of 22,
0:24:49 > 0:24:50which is a vast number, on Earth.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52What is that?!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53100 times more than there are mites
0:24:53 > 0:24:56and 1,000 times more than there are insects.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Oh! My God.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02..and it can grow to seven centimetres long,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- which is...- What?!- ..serious.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- No, we don't want to see that.- Come on.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Would you feel it wriggling around?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Would it be wiggling...? Would you see it moving, for example?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- You'd hear it talking.- If it's like that, a friend would see it.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"you've got an... enormous worm in your eye!"
0:25:27 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:36- Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out the nematode in your eye.- Yes.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Judge not and you'll be not judged.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yes, so many animals are completely legless
0:25:41 > 0:25:44that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Finally, a question about macropods.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49How many legs does a kangaroo have?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Oh, don't say any numbers.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Don't say any numbers.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Go on.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right?- Yeah.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And he doesn't want to see something -
0:26:04 > 0:26:06something terrible is happening - and he goes,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"Somebody cover my eyes!"
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13That is a brilliant moment.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I love that bit.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Two. Two.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19KLAXON BLARES
0:26:19 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:23It won't be nought or four either.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"How many legs...?"
0:26:26 > 0:26:28How many LEGS has it got?
0:26:28 > 0:26:312.5.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Well, you won't like this answer but...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39corralled red kangaroos through a chamber
0:26:39 > 0:26:41which measured the downward forces.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and move their back legs forwards
0:26:46 > 0:26:48at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and use it to propel themselves forward.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53The team found that the amount of force from the tail
0:26:53 > 0:26:55was as great as that from the other four limbs combined...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- So, it's five?- ..making it effectively a fifth leg,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Yeah.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03It's a tail, though, isn't it?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Well, if you'd said limbs...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Hey hey, we're the Monkees. #
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Yes, sir?- Five.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- No, no, you can't have that. - No, he can't. He can't.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21He can't have that.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The point is, you could cut off... Obviously, you shouldn't.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29..a kangaroo's forearms or arms...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31and it could get around perfectly happily
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even
0:27:33 > 0:27:35it could still hop and get around -
0:27:35 > 0:27:36but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You'd be a sadistic bastard. LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Which scientist conducted that experiment?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Kangaroos have almost five legs above average,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- BILL:- Oh, no.- Oh, dear.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Oh, my, good night.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00But our least successful on minus 28...
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I know why, and it's... Oh, Sue Perkins.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- SHE LAUGHS - "I know why."
0:28:07 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Oh, yes! APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:28:20 > 0:28:23And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Alan Davies on minus 3. CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- APPLAUSE - Pretty pleased with that.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36CHEERING
0:28:36 > 0:28:37APPLAUSE
0:28:43 > 0:28:47So, it's good night from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49You have been magnificent and I want you to stay that way.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Many thanks and good night.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53APPLAUSE