0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goooooood....
0:00:34 > 0:00:38..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40let nothing you dismay
0:00:40 > 0:00:42and welcome to the QI Christmas panto,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44with an evening of Merriment.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Let's see who's under my tree.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And here's Buttons Bill Bailey.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And a horse's arse, Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17So, let's hear your panto noises.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Johnny goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- BUZZER:- "OH, YES, IT IS."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Bill goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- BUZZER:- "OH, NO, IT ISN'T."
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Jenny goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- BUZZER:- "HE'S BEHIND YOU!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:29And Alan goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- BUZZER:- "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?"
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Good question. Have a sweet, dear.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Thank you.- One for Bill. And there's one for Alan.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Thank you. - Now, my question is quite simple -
0:01:52 > 0:01:57whose card is most like the first card ever sent?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Well, mine's like that.- Yeah.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- OK, well, I've got a robin. - You've got a robin.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- A lovely cock robin.- Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Er, well, um...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I mean, I don't mean cock robin...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Is that what Batman said?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- He likes that - you like that, don't you?- I like that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Sorry?- "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I didn't actually...
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"How do you know it's a cock, Robin?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly
0:02:35 > 0:02:37a traditional Christmas card picture and image.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- You've got a Roman statue? - In a Christmas jumper.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Which seems unlikely, though, of course,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire...- No.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- But you still...- If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52That's not the original Christmas card.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, fair point.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55You've got a little baby.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'm struggling to think this is the original.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It's very close to my upbringing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- But it's not... - "I saw this and thought of you."
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10There we are. It does look a bit like me.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It looks very like you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I would say that is Alan Davies, there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- In a production of Puss In Boots. - Puss In Boots.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21In 1916.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So was that the very first Christmas card?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it
0:03:27 > 0:03:31and to see that you were working in panto then
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Loved it. - You loved it, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Yes, five. That's what they always say.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Show the ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Look, I've got a tail.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- Hey! AUDIENCE:- Hey!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And I've got...I've got feet and everything.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.- Yes.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02for no reason at all.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Is it a ventriloquist's donkey? - It is now.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Oh, yeah... - "Happy new year."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- That's a scary-looking... - "Rubbish Stephen, more points."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14You look like you're wearing boiler lagging.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- You do! You've been lagged. - I've been lagged.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I vote the robin as the early one.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Robins were very early on Christmas cards.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Do you know why they were common?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas?- Uh...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and were known as "red breasts".
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Oh, yes. - Robin red breasts.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48..was a harbinger of doom.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- A harbinger of postal orders. - Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's the most commonly accepted theory.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain
0:05:02 > 0:05:04has declined enormously.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11No, that...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It just looks like he's been abusing drugs.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- BILL:- It does, doesn't it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- JOHNNY:- He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Only you would notice, only you.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain
0:05:26 > 0:05:29who use cubicles to have a poo.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- just going... - HE SNIFFS
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- HIGH-PITCHED:- "I'll be out in a minute."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Oh, gracious.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- BILL:- # "Touching Christmas cloth..."
0:05:44 > 0:05:47HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS"
0:05:47 > 0:05:49This is already going slightly out of control.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep.- Yes, that's right.- True.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- at least to me, if no-one else.- Yes.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And that is, that over the last ten years,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08YAWNING
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Over the last ten years, the number of robins
0:06:11 > 0:06:14appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19has increased by nearly a half.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Exponentially.- Yeah. - Oh, right.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23So, we'll turn to Jenny.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25What did Romans do at Christmas time?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Rome...? What did Romans...?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards.- Exactly.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- That's Christmas, basically. - That's Christmas, yeah.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Christmas tends to happen... - Once a year.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Once a year.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Thank you. - I'm trying to help.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47APPLAUSE You are.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- She can't get points for that. - No points for that.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You think that's too obvious? It's not for me...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54A perfectly legitimate point has been scored.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Christmas is for life...- All right. - ..not just for...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, hang on, no, no.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one.- Pagan feasts.- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- And the Roman one was Saturnalia. - Saturnalia.- Saturnalia,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07after the god Saturn.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- And there you can see... - Oh, the debauchery.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14We did that in the stockroom at Argos.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18At Christmas.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent
0:07:21 > 0:07:23is Johnny's.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Oh, the drinking baby. - Baby with a drink?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It was similar to the first card,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- That's the original. JOHNNY:- Let me get this straight.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36For years, I've thought that I was raised
0:07:36 > 0:07:37in an unstable environment,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40when actually my dad, every day,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46JOHNNY LAUGHS
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It was designed by John Callcott Horsley,
0:07:49 > 0:07:54Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments...
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Royal Acadamadition. - A Royal Acadamadition.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02And he...
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- Very good.- Nice.- Safe.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07And, as you see, it depicts a family
0:08:07 > 0:08:10all toasting Christmas and the New Year,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12including the toddler, there, in green, in front,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- all the good things you should do on Christmas.- Ah, yes.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- If you see any naked people, clothe them.- Yes.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Do not approach them.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28No. So there we are.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37In fact, as we approach the end of series 13,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43every single one, since the very first,
0:08:43 > 0:08:48has included a secret message which nobody has spotted.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Where do you think it's hidden?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Is it on your face?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Have you just encrypted
0:08:57 > 0:09:00some of your delightful laughter lines into some...?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Perhaps it's in Klingon.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04HE SPEAKS KLINGON
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Merry Christmas. - It's not on my face.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Is it in the credits or the theme tune?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Theme tune.- The theme tune? - Ah!- The theme tune.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- BILL:- What? No!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Yes. It's in code.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- What sort of code do you think it might be in?- Morse code.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Morse code is the right answer. - No, really?!- Yes. Yes!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:32It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and this is what it actually says.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47And that is actually a decoding of the...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01And that...that is...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I know, I'm sorry. I didn't...
0:10:04 > 0:10:05APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- BILL:- He never told you. - No...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Years, you've been, like, in the stocks.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Oh. Poor Alan.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22It's not my...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh!- My God!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- What happened there? - What the hell was that?!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- It was a light. - BILL:- Was it a lamp?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- It might be a lamp. - No, no, he's got a bad ankle,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I'm just taking him out.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36I can't afford to keep him.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Wow.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I absolutely shat myself.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51So where were we? Where were we? Where were we?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Yeah, let's move on from that. - You might find, ladies and gentlemen,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00including panelistas,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02that that is a real URL,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in
0:11:05 > 0:11:06if you visit it.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Yes, it is, of course.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- BUZZER:- "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..."
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So this...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- BUZZER:- "OH, YES, IT IS."
0:11:20 > 0:11:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32He's in the audience. Where are you?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Is he wearing an anorak? - There he is, over there.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Well done. Thank you very much.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41There you are.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47- Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them.- Have they?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Yeah. Do you know of one?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52- Loose Women. - BILL:- Morse.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Morse.- Of course. - Morse, yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- Never! - That's his name, yes.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05He used to hide the name of the murderer very often
0:12:05 > 0:12:06in the opening...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08HE HUMS BEAT ..there.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Yes. Wasn't it like this?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Hang on, I've actually, look, look...- Oh, hello.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Right. It was like this, wasn't it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17HE PLAYS NOTES
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Yes.- He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21SINISTER MUSICAL STING
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And you went, "That's him!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Another one which used Morse might surprise you.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37It had titles that came over
0:12:37 > 0:12:40as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47BILL WHISTLES
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- That one.- That one. - Exactly.- I'll stop whistling now.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And there's a building that gives off Morse code,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59a very famous building in Hollywood.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- How? Tapping it?- Well, it's got a light flashing at the top.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- It's not sound. - Oh, I thought it was...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12And it flashes out this message here,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and its release date came out in Morse code.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Nobody noticed.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not...
0:13:29 > 0:13:33They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42See if you can guess what it is?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's an addition to the Morse alphabet.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's an @ sign, well done.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Exactly right, so that people can swap e-mail addresses.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59He had another job, which was rather interesting.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Dot-dot-dot, dash... - ..to paint paintings...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Whoa! There's a fly on my hand!
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Argh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Oh!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh...!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You've killed it, Alan!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- I never thought I'd get it in a million years!- How could you?!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It was just looking for somewhere to sleep
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- and you just killed it, you...you brute!- I'm so sorry.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Samuel Morse was a painter
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and he was commissioned to paint paintings.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Paint paintings. - Because he lived in an era
0:14:50 > 0:14:52when there were no catalogues.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Of course.- Of museums, for example. So he painted...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- The Argos catalogue. - He painted one famous...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine,
0:15:01 > 0:15:06of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09So you could see them if you hadn't visited it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- The best-known of... - He was quite good, wasn't he?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Yeah, he was. - So as a sort of copyist...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24So next time you think of Samuel Morse,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes.- Oh.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- I think that's genuinely interesting.- Thank you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Yes.- That's all we hope for. Good.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38So by that logic, he invented the internet?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- He didn't.- He didn't?- No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- BILL:- Wait, the fly's coming back to life!
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Hold that thought, though.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56No, they're good thoughts. Thank you.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And we may come back to that.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01I very much doubt it, but we may.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"The Bathrooms Are Coming".
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# The bathrooms are coming
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# Thank God, I need a shit! #
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Nice.- Bill, can you do me
0:16:20 > 0:16:23CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Oh, very good. APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Kill them, kill them
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# The bathrooms are coming for your lives... #
0:16:41 > 0:16:43AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# They're coming for your souls... #
0:16:47 > 0:16:51# I've had it installed now
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# And there's nothing to pay till September
0:16:58 > 0:17:03# I'm on an HP high
0:17:03 > 0:17:08# And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# Water may be very hot
0:17:12 > 0:17:16# Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... #
0:17:16 > 0:17:18APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It was country and western.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23BILL PLAYS A TUNE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26If you're going to do country and western, it'll be...
0:17:26 > 0:17:30# Fixed shower head, driving me wild
0:17:32 > 0:17:37# Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- # I'm going to put my leg up... # - No, don't!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- # Pull my junk to the side... # - Oh...!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Thank you.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- The Bathrooms Are Coming?- Written by a Broadway musical composer.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01But not for Broadway.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Was it a bathroom company? - A commercial or something?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yes. American Standard, they were called,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980,
0:18:14 > 0:18:1630 years of exciting musicals
0:18:16 > 0:18:20for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Yeah.- But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40The Sound of Selling.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Isn't that exciting?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- The Saga of the Dingbat. - The Saga of the Dingbat?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.- Isn't it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Truly astonishing.- Mental, innit? - These were huge.- What's going on?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- America... - ..had gone mad.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00..made two-thirds of the world's goods.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Was this at the height of,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- There was all that sponsorship going on...- Yeah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second.- Excellent!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17# If you've a hankering for knowledge
0:19:17 > 0:19:19# But can't be arsed with college
0:19:19 > 0:19:24# Then this is the show for you. # Something like that, I don't know.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Yeah. That's the one!
0:19:25 > 0:19:26That's the QI show. APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:31# This really Quite Interesting show! #
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Something like that. - Yes, The Quite Interesting Show.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Thank you, Bill.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan
0:19:43 > 0:19:45# Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! #
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- LAUGHTER - # And he's won! No, he's last. #
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Yes, please.- Me, me, pick me. - Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58There, take a couple.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- We've got some left over, of course.- Thank you very much. Wow!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- There you go.- Johnny? - Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I've got raisin, I don't like raisin.- Do you want to swap?- Yes.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- No, I'd like vanilla, please.- Oh?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- LAUGHTER - Do you like chocolate?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Do you want to swap?- Yes! - You can have another flavour.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- I've got strawberry. - That'll do me!- All right.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Oh, you already had a bit!- Yes!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:26How else would I know I didn't like it!?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it.- Don't do that!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- People who sniff... - Don't take a lump out!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm having a hot flush!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- APPLAUSE - It's one of my super-powers!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Mine's turned into a slushy!- Yes!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get
0:20:48 > 0:20:50the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- LAUGHTER - And it's spoon soft in seconds!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Well, there's barely any... - THEY BOTH SHOUT
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Right...- I don't want to do this in front of Stephen.- No.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04But the next time we're having ice cream, just...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- Don't have her on my team!- Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- No, this is delicious. Thank you very much.- Good.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LOUD LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:20APPLAUSE Anyway...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22What flavour have you got?!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Bingo!- So what was the biggest nuisance
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- in the Victorian theatre? - I like peas! I had a fly in mine.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- What was the biggest nuisance...? - I've got to tell this.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- No...- What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- APPLAUSE - Please!
0:21:38 > 0:21:43SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Yeah?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Any thoughts?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Ice-cream?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- I, genuinely...- Don't worry, you don't need to press them.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Was it people interrupting? - That was one of them.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Was it the infamous female flasher
0:22:04 > 0:22:09who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and she was called Fanny by Gaslight.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Was it her?- It wasn't that, no.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Was it things going wrong, like machinery?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- People eating sweets.- That's bad. - Was it a bulb breaking?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25If you're in the audience,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Cholera.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Being stabbed in the neck by someone.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39TB.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Rickets.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:44If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52- Yeah.- It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Oh, the lavatories?- The lavatories.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- How many lavatories do you think it had?- Four.- Two.- One.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- One lavatory. - One lavatory, 2,200 people.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good.- Nothing's changed.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Well, things were even more problematic up north,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony
0:23:15 > 0:23:19because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21because people just peed where they sat
0:23:21 > 0:23:23cos there was nowhere else to go.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Lovely, lovely Geordies!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It's pretty grim. That was in 1837. That was a serious problem.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36What changed then were intervals.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire
0:23:39 > 0:23:41of people to, you know...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43They had what they called the Broadway Bladder,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45which is supposedly 75 minutes,
0:23:45 > 0:23:50which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Do you remember any particular ones?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Zulu, I saw Zulu... - Zulu had an intermission.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- coming over the hill, and then they had a break...- Yeah.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- ..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that.- No.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09they all had intermissions too. Really big movies.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"to the endurance of the human bladder."
0:24:14 > 0:24:18About seven minutes with me, then.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never
0:24:22 > 0:24:26out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29On which bank holiday is it most likely to snow?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Easter Monday.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Is the right answer.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34No!!!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yes! Come on!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Very good.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Bloody hell. I'm impressed.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Absolutely.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday
0:24:48 > 0:24:50than it is over the Christmas.
0:24:50 > 0:24:57Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Can you give me a line from the world's first panto?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Go on, go on...
0:25:07 > 0:25:08He's behind you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10KLAXON
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Yay!- Oh, you MADE me do that!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- Why did you do that? - It's your buzzer, isn't it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17She did so well on Easter Monday
0:25:17 > 0:25:20and you've just sabotaged it out of spite!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Oh, silent.- They WERE silent. - They were mime.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented
0:25:33 > 0:25:36all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Wow.- Terrifying.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42wouldn't you?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:47My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest
0:25:54 > 0:25:59between two people for whom life has gone very wrong.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05So let's take a look at the scores.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, my actual actual.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- On minus two it's Jenny Eclair! - Did quite well.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:25In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I still don't understand why.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Who's the winner, who's the winner here?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38In second place, with eight points, it's...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Johnny Vegas!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:53QI JINGLE PLAYS
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Right, let's see.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11There we go, like so.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Let's see. That's...
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's a big surprise.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Do you need a hand?- Thank you.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32There you go.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Splendid.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Oh, hello, Scott?- I have a surprise for you, Stephen.- Oh, no.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42and if you're a member of the Magic Circle,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45you have to have taken a test.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure...- No!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally
0:27:53 > 0:27:55a member of The Magic Circle.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Oh, my God!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:01MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:28:35 > 0:28:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE