0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Gooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43where tonight we are musing on the medieval and the macabre.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Joining me in the Dark Ages are king of the castle, David Mitchell.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Queen of the May, Julia Zemiro.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Lord of the Manor, Matt Lucas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And a "knight" on the tiles, Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:16And their buzzers are all very much connected with middle age.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17David goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Julia goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT
0:01:27 > 0:01:30It's the Middle Ages, all right. Matt goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33MEDIEVAL MONKS CHANT
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38'Dear sir, why, oh, why, oh, why
0:01:38 > 0:01:42'must we always have endless monks chanting on the BBC?'
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Which of these did they not have in the Middle Ages?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54- Sweet, no...- Shush!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- DAVID:- Iron maiden.- Well... - They didn't have Iron...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Well, no, I'm not... Yeah, I'm aware there is a group.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06The most medieval thing seems that thing with the spikes that you
0:02:06 > 0:02:09put someone in, that'll be the thing they didn't actually have then.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12You are absolutely right.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:23The iron maiden, as you say, that sort of sarcophagus with spikes,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27they weren't even thought of or imagined until 1793.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I was going to say, I thought they were invented by Paul Daniels
0:02:30 > 0:02:32or somebody.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Spanish Inquisition, must be the Spanish Inquisition.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well, they weren't used in the Spanish Inquisition,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40because they weren't invented till 1793, which was...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:45After. My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition was
0:02:45 > 0:02:49they put a pole up your anus and they'd do it in such a way that
0:02:49 > 0:02:54it avoids all of your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and then just leave you there for people to look at.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I like the first part of that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's an actual pole, it's not a Polish gentleman,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09it's an actual pole.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Oh. Less keen then, less keen.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- I thought an iron maiden was a chastity belt?- No.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- I'd like it to be though.- They call that a chastity belt, actually.- Yes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So they didn't ever exist?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Well, in 1793, an archaeologist by the name of Johann Siebenkees,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29gave an account of one which was a hoax.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34And then 100 years or so later, a guy called Matthaus Pfau,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36had one installed in Kyburg, his Swiss castle,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38as a visitor attraction.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It became the prototype for all the other iron maidens
0:03:40 > 0:03:43that were used in museums, and indeed in movies.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45So they hadn't really been used as a method of torture?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, that's what I mean, exactly. They were just a hoax, essentially.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Here's one for you. Here's one for you!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- What a weird hoax. - It is, isn't it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57But if we go back to my little manuscript word cloud,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59maybe other ones didn't exist in medieval times.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Well, there wasn't much cardboard about.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So if there were greeting cards, they wouldn't have been...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Not big readers either, not many people could read.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Or write.- Exactly, but in fact there were single sheet wood cuts
0:04:10 > 0:04:13found from the mid-15th century, with pictures on them,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16wishing the recipient a very good year, even.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- It seems a rather modern idea. - "Sorry you've been unwell."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:25But those banderols, those little kind of bubbles, were very popular
0:04:25 > 0:04:28and they'd say things, probably not "sorry you've been unwell,"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31but things like "a very good year," so they did exist.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35What else might have existed or did exist in that era?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Sweet and sour sauce, definitely. - Yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What they called sour sweet, in fact, Egurdouce,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44and they used vinegar and sugar, cinnamon, orange, onions,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46whatever they could get their hands on, currants.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Didn't they use onions to sweeten things?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Yeah, well, onions do contain more sugar than sugar beets,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55as long as you cook them, hence the caramelised, you know, thing.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58They're a bit onion-y, though, as well.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00They can be sweet,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04but you wouldn't want too many puddings being that onion-y.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06No, do you know, it's true, they're not that sweet, because
0:05:06 > 0:05:10if you ever go to the freezer and you go for a Mini Milk
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and you've left a bag of onion rings next to the Mini Milks
0:05:13 > 0:05:17in the freezer, the Mini Milks don't taste right.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19What an insight!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22The Mini Milks taste a bit onion-y. Yeah.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- What is a Mini Milk? - What is a Mini Milk?!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Do you mean one of those sweets that looks like a tiny bottle of milk?- No.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36No, it's ice cream on a stick, basically.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's basically what, when you want a Magnum
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and your mum won't buy you a Magnum, you get a Mini Milk.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45And you keep those with onion rings in the freezer?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, no, I didn't, I have separate shelves.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You've got to keep sweet and... Put me on camera!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56You've got to keep sweet and savouries separate in freezers,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58guys, come on!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00No, Mini Milks are nice.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01They're like, I don't know,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04if you can't get a Sparkle, get a Mini Milk, I don't know.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- What's a Sparkle?- Oh, dear.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- LAUGHTER - What's your ice cream of choice?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I used to like Mivvies when I was a boy.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12- Well...- That's the point!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- OK.- Now I'm an adult!- Right.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- I eat olives and I eat cheese.- Right.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:23This has all gone very weird!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- You started it with the whole pork belly thing.- Right.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I want to live in the Middle Ages now,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30because they seem to have grown-up food, at least.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Question, Mr Fry. Question from the floor, Mr Fry.- Yeah?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35What is a prefab?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Oh, don't you have those in Australia?- I don't know, tell me.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It means a sort of modular building that is made outside the site...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Brought to site.- ..and then brought to it and assembled.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's associated with low-cost housing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- The Duchess of Cambridge grew up in one.- Did she?- Did she?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56She grew up on an estate.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I just like the fact that people think she was common as muck!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- William the Conqueror had prefabs, didn't he?- Did he?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Didn't they bring prefab castles over, with the Norman...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Not the Normandy landings, the other way round.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- The Hastings landing.- Yeah. - They brought loads of...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yeah, cos all the plug sockets are different here
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and they wanted their own wiring.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:22There's certainly the example of prefab housing that we have
0:07:22 > 0:07:24is the Vikings, in fact, who, when they invaded Orkney,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28found there was virtually nowhere to live and so they came back with
0:07:28 > 0:07:32supplies on longboats of prefab little houses.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37And that's presumably where Vikings got the idea of flat-pack furniture.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:43That leaves us, I think, with official commemorative merchandise.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Would that be if you went to sort of...
0:07:44 > 0:07:49They used to be very keen on seeing a rotting old bit of a saint.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Very much so.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53If you were medieval, there was one saint who was more or less
0:07:53 > 0:07:55contemporary, who was a martyr.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58They would stop off at this cathedral where he was murdered, famously.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Who would that be?- Thomas Becket.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Thomas Becket, exactly. - Points!- Points!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Points, solid points.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08In the 12th century Thomas Becket was killed by Henry II
0:08:08 > 0:08:10and they immediately tried to sell his blood
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and that ran out rather quickly, so they diluted it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17But also they sold little swords,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20little simulacra of the swords that had stabbed him
0:08:20 > 0:08:21and you could buy one of those.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23And it was official, you know.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25It was, as it were, stamped with Canterbury.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- They've still got a shop in the cathedral.- Well, exactly. Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32The Middle Ages, in fact, featured lots of very useful inventions,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35but tell me, what has been called, "The wickedest, silliest,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39"most insane and most disastrous book in world literature"?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41The Liar, by Stephen Fry.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Ah! It probably is. - Mein Kampf.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47That would be a very sensible guess.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- And, in the interests of balance, The Da Vinci Code also.- Yes!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55ALARM SOUNDS
0:08:56 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:02These self-help books, the books that say
0:09:02 > 0:09:05if you just change the way you think, you'll be fine.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I mean, you know, everyone's got a mood board for something.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10A mood board.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Maybe there was a medieval mood board of some kind, but, yeah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You're right to mention the medieval era
0:09:14 > 0:09:17because it was a book of the 15th century.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Foxe's Book Of Martyrs?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21No, that was a little later, but let me give you its title.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Malleus Maleficorum.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Maleficarum, I beg your pardon, because that's the point.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28If you know your Latin, that means malleus.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30If you take the "US" off and put a "T" from malleus.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Mallet.- Mallet.- A hammer. So malleus is hammer.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Timmy Mallet's autobiography?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Sorry, I'm bringing the tone down, I know.- No, you're not.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Is it the, mallific...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Is that like the bad doing hammer thing, you know?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Well, no, it's the "of the", that's genitive.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49- Come on, boy! That's genitive.- Come on.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:54So it's the hammer OF the bad-doing people,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57but the arum, not orum, tells you it's bad...
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Doing women.- Yes!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Bad doing women and their hammer. - No, the hammer of.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Yeah, yeah, no, exactly.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05I want to beat them down.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- The Crazy Witches Of Eastwick. - Witches!
0:10:08 > 0:10:09- Oh, witches!- You said it!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11APPLAUSE
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- We're supposed to hammer them? - Hammer of the witches, that means.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- So they don't own the hammer?- No!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- We own the hammer...- No. - ..and we hammer away at them?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I am more confused than when I talked about Mini Milk.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:29We had a Latin parsing essay in which the malleus maleficarum
0:10:29 > 0:10:32turned out to mean "the hammer of witches."
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Right. - The way to beat witches.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39And this was a text book about how to destroy and find witches.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Now, it was strange cos it was mid-15th century
0:10:41 > 0:10:46and in the mid-15th century the Church banned belief in witches.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50So this wasn't a time of witch burnings or anything of the nature.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54But the very nature of the success of the book meant that
0:10:54 > 0:10:58a slow movement grew in which witches should be found and burned
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and tortured and so on.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01This book was therefore called
0:11:01 > 0:11:03the silliest, most wicked book ever written
0:11:03 > 0:11:07because it made appalling claims about women that,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10for example, that they dispossessed men of their penises.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12As if!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:16They would take their penises, put them on a tray
0:11:16 > 0:11:20and the penises would wander around of their own volition, eating...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Well, yes. - ..eating oats and corn.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- No, not corn, not maize corn. - With a simple pecking motion?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Or like with a suction? How would they do it?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Do you know the theory about the witch's broomstick,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38about how it might have developed?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Yeah, they put it up your anus and it reaches your shoulder...
0:11:42 > 0:11:46It's funny you should say that, Matt Lucas,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- because, yes, they put them up their anus.- What?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Now, you may say, why would a woman stick a broomstick up her botty?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I'm so glad we're having this conversation.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:03But anyway, the point is, there is a substance that has been accused,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06if you like, throughout history of being behind a lot of episodes
0:12:06 > 0:12:09of mass hysteria and hallucination and so on,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and the substance is called ergot.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Have you heard of ergot? - No, where can you get it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- You can get it if you live near a field of rye.- Oh, OK.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Where rye grows, it is a fungus that grows on rye
0:12:21 > 0:12:25and its spores can be breathed in and it is not unlike lysergic acid,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29which is the "L" of LSD and it causes weird trips.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Now, with any drug, there are different ways of ingesting it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Intra-nasally, orally...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Or on a broomstick up your arse?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- ..intravenously or in a suppository form.- Right.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45So one way would be to take it and to grease up your...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- I am not making this up! - Grease up your pole with ergot.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Grease up your pole and scatter it with bits of ergot and then whoo!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:13:00And then you FEEL like you're flying...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- That's basically it. - What does that mean?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06How much ergot are those kids at Hogwarts getting through?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It's not appropriate to encourage that kind of drug-taking
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- in the young.- It isn't.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And there is another theory that it was actually intra-vaginal,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- rather than intra-anal...- Lovely. - ..so that it was covered on the broom
0:13:20 > 0:13:22and then it went sort of smoothly up.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I can't see anything smooth about this at all.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- I don't know. - It would be like, OW!
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Does another witch apply it to you? You do that yourself?!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You'd be a great gynaecologist though, Stephen,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37cos you're very calm, the way you're explaining everything.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Let's get more decent here.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43How do you get a whole row of seats to yourself
0:13:43 > 0:13:46on a Virgin Airways flight?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, if you're REALLY fat.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That would, yeah, I think they might be able to get rid of an arm,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54but I don't think they'd let you on if you were any fatter.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- No, but like REALLY fat. Oh, I see what you mean.- Die?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Is the right answer. You'd have to die.- Die!- Yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:08You can't make people sit next to the dead.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09That's the truth, isn't it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Basically, I think that would be what it was.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And if you're flying, say, London to New York,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16if you're near enough and someone dies,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20you'd turn around and all the other passengers would go, "Oh, really!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"Could have had some consideration!"
0:14:22 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26But once you've passed that point of no return, as they call it,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29then there's nothing you can do about it, except go on to New York.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31But what if the plane's full?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Do they keep a row for the dead just in case?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36In which case, if they keep a row for the dead,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- what if two people die?- Exactly.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43There's always a row at the back and the crew use it for having a kip.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- What it means is, the crew will then have to be awake...- Yes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47..because of the dead bloke.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- That'll piss them off. - Does it happen a lot, though?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Oh, now, this is what's interesting.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54British Airways have about ten deaths a year in flight.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Well, that food is just...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00That's for 36 million passengers.
0:15:00 > 0:15:06So if you extrapolate out to the rather amazing 3.5 BILLION passengers
0:15:06 > 0:15:10that fly every year, that means there must be around 1,000 deaths a year.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And different airlines have different ways of doing it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Singapore Airlines have a corpse cupboard.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I don't know why it's funny, but it is,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21so no-one need even know there's a dead person.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, I'm sorry.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's all so Fawlty Towers, isn't it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28If I ever die on a plane,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I should like to be stored in the overhead lockers.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- For the rest of time.- Yes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37British Airways, however, you get a good deal if you die,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39because you go to First Class.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Yeah.- Excellent, at last.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43One long-established steward said,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"Many years ago we used to give them a vodka and tonic, a Daily Mail
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"and eye shades and tell passengers they were fine.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50"We don't do that any more."
0:15:50 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:56It's bad enough being dead, but having to hold a Daily Mail!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Holy crap!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The Daily Mail and other newspapers, not just the Daily Mail,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12when they talk about their circulation, they are also
0:16:12 > 0:16:15including the newspapers that they give away for free.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So I don't think the airlines, or any of those kind of institutions
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- actually PAY for the newspapers. - Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- So the Daily Mail is mainly dead people on airplanes.- Yes.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28But the dead are very, very right wing.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:32It's true.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37All right, now, Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and is called...?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41David Walliams!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:53He's a very strong swimmer, isn't he? He's a very strong swimmer.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Oh, dear.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and is called Matt?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- David Walliams.- Yeah!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And called Matt? Is it just a mat?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- No.- Well, yes. - Well, yes, of some...- It's a mat.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Yeah, so I am clever.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Is it some kind of sea vegetable?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20It's sea life, sea matter, that's cohered.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- How big would it be, a mat? - Algae. Huge, huge.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Yeah.- Hundreds of thousands of square miles.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Certainly the biggest we know of is about the size of Greece.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- There you are, you see? - Wow, see. You ARE clever.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33It's not in Greece or near Greece.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It's off the coast of Peru and Chile.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Ugh, look at David Walliams(!)
0:17:37 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Stop it!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42No, don't stop, carry on.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46It's microbial, it's a whole load of microbes,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49so many of them that they can create this matter that's thick and...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- It's mat matter. - Mat matter, exactly.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Don't say anything bad about them, because we owe the photosynthesis
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and the oxygen-rich nature of our own atmosphere to these.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03We couldn't live without them. They're very important.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I've been served that in a motorway service station.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09They eat hydrogen and they breathe nitrates
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and they live in streams and lakes, as well as the ocean.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14They're very, very, very exciting.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Here, I know you like wonderful information, the total weight of
0:18:19 > 0:18:25microbes in the ocean is equivalent to 240 BILLION African elephants.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33The good thing about that is that really helps me visualise that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- That's very, very helpful. - Let me help you more then.
0:18:36 > 0:18:4135 elephants made of microbes for everyone on the planet.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45So each of us have got 35 elephants made of microbes surrounding us now.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- We're rich! - 35, that's a lot of elephants.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51The time has come to rule out lifting all that in one go.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- You're right. - You learn a lot on this show.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00I never knew that the ocean was made up of 35,000 billion elephants.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I've really been educated.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05No wonder elephants are endangered,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08when you think of the number who've been drowned
0:19:08 > 0:19:11to create a mat for the bottom of the sea.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16That's probably why the trunks... They were trying to evolve snorkels.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, dear.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I can see that I've not really explained myself very well.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And now for something slightly mucky.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Alan, have you ever had your dirt-hole burgled
0:19:33 > 0:19:34without your knowledge?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:46Do you know what, I'm not going to answer that.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Fair enough.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52I'm actually writing to Points Of View now, at this point.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57It's a question to do with the macabre side of human life - muck.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Oh, is this something like, in some contexts,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- excrement has a value?- Yes. - Like people want it for...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Where there's muck...- Yes, they need it for fertiliser or whatever,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and so, people would sell their... You know, their shit, and so,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11obviously, other people would steal it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Which gave it a value. And if something has a value,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16there will always be some who wish to steal it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Is this in medieval times, or now?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- No, it's not medieval, it's 18th and 19th centuries.- Right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- I think the question is flawed. - How so?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Because if I'd have had my dirt-hole burgled without my knowledge,
0:20:26 > 0:20:27I wouldn't know about it, would I?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Touche! You're absolutely right.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- So, I don't know. Is it? - Is the right answer.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Possibly.- Possibly, yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41So, people kept their rubbish in holes that could be collected.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It was a bin collection.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47The dustmen and the dustcart were often collecting dust, as well,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49because it was simply dirt that people had swept up
0:20:49 > 0:20:53and poured into a little hole or into a bucket in a hole -
0:20:53 > 0:20:56the dirt hole. Because everything was recycled, even family pets,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59when they died, had a value. You know, a white cat - sixpence,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01a multicoloured cat - fourpence.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05In those days, the "flying dustmen", as they were called,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08the people who came to collect it, they would pay to get it,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11rather than you paying rates to have it removed.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13There was hardware and software.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The software would be things like a dead cat.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And the hardware is broken crockery, oyster shells
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and things like that, which road-builders could use.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Anyway, one last medieval question.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26How many uses can you think of for a monk's earwax?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, it's endless. Candles.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Yeah, candles will be a... - Polishing wood.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- They might have done.- That sounds like a euphemism.- But um...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- I meant it...- Not much else to do in a monastery, is there?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Well, I know. I know. Polishing their own wood.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43What have monks handed down to us?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Mostly?- Bibles.- Bibles and manuscripts, illustrated...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Spend their lifetime writing them out, copying them out.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Inscriptorial. - Doing lines, basically.- Yes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53There's a picture of a happy monk doing his illuminations.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55And that side of it, the paint-y side of it is,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58they used a substance called glair,
0:21:58 > 0:21:59G-L-A-I-R,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02and it tended to get bubbled.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05But they found, if they added earwax into it,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09they could get a really smooth, beautiful lustre and sheen
0:22:09 > 0:22:12to the illustrations that they were doing,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14which have lasted us down the centuries.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17How do you think of that though, to go, "Hmm, I'll paint with that"?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19A thing you might try at home
0:22:19 > 0:22:22is that you could take a pint of foaming beer
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and then pop a little earwax
0:22:24 > 0:22:27into the head of your foaming tankard,
0:22:27 > 0:22:28and the bubbles should collapse.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- That's...- If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I think you're right.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39It would be better if it was the other way round,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41that you had a sort of flat liquid
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- and then you put a bit of earwax in, and it went fizzy.- Yeah.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Chuck some sodium in your beer, that should work.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Which orifice does sodium come out of?- Well, there is that!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55They left other little things for us, little minusculae,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58little hands that pointed to certain sections of the text in the Bible.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I don't know if you can see one on the left?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02If you've read the Name Of The Rose,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04they left clues everywhere about all sorts.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Yeah, and octopuses, you can see an octopus at the top.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They liked octopuses.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Is that a person with a huge sort of trumpet up his bottom?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- It's something odd, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.- Yeah.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I don't know what they're doing there. They're praising the Lord.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19And above, they'd often have knights fighting snails.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21HE TOOTS
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- It's so boring in those monasteries. - Exactly.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26That the old fart trumpet was the favourite.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- I was going to say on a Sunday, but perhaps not.- No.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Well, they used to leave...
0:23:32 > 0:23:33HE PARPS
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Dinner!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:40They used to leave little remarks like, "Oh, God, it's cold in here"
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- or, "I'm so bored"...- Around the Bible.- ..just like anybody would.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Just like school kids on a desk. - Exactly like that.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- So, why are they fighting snails in the picture?- No-one's quite sure.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53But it's a common feature, knights versus snails.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54They seem to like it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Some people may think it was a symbol of the struggle of the poor
0:23:57 > 0:23:58against the aristocracy.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I think people shouldn't watch this show any more.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- LAUGHTER - It's giving them ideas.- Yeah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Do you think they had loads of snails
0:24:05 > 0:24:06in these cold, damp monasteries?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09There were snails everywhere and they were hoping...
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- That could be it!- ..a gallant knight would come
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and help them deal with the snail infestation problem.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Possibly, possibly...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Which means it's time now...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:21..to place various intimate parts of you
0:24:21 > 0:24:23into the thumbscrew of General Ignorance.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Where are most missionaries positioned?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31GREGORIAN CHANTING
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Matt?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I'm going to guess that most of them are in Utah,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40where the Mormons tend to kind of congregate,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44because they haven't yet been assigned their places to go to.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Interesting. Interesting answer.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48But I'm talking about which is the country
0:24:48 > 0:24:50that receives the most incoming? GREGORIAN CHANTING
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Well, I'm not talking about that. - No.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I'm talking about them before they've gone there.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59So, I'm not asking you where the most missionaries come FROM,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I'm asking where do they...?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I know, but I am still getting to that point.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06This doesn't work by you answering the question
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- that I haven't asked.- OK.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10My guess is China.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Oh, it's a possibility.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Well, it is a possibility, but it's not a fact.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- Is it in Africa?- It's not Africa, no.- Is it England?- No.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- KLAXON BLARES - Is it South America?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20- England is much closer... - South America?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Not South America, not SOUTH America.- Central!- North America.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Not Central, North America.- North.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- United States thereof... - America.- Really?- Utah.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Well, I think you'll find Utah is in America!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38But I specifically said, "Where are the most missionaries
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"who've come from outside one country?"
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I know, but I didn't choose to answer that.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46All right, I'm going to give you points,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- you deserve them for sheer tenacity. - Thank you.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51So, the fact is, we don't quite know why missionaries...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Some think they just want to go to a very rich country.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Others think these missionaries believe America has lapsed into sin.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59But anyway, more missionaries go to the United States
0:25:59 > 0:26:00than anywhere else.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Do an impression of someone in the stocks.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Fuck off, fuck off!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06KLAXON BLARES
0:26:08 > 0:26:10It's like that, isn't it? Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Points to Mitchell, yes, absolutely right.- That's the pillory.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16That's a pillory or "thews", as they're also known.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- But, yeah, putting them... That's stocks.- Stocks are feet, are they?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21I'm into public shaming, though.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24If you've done something bad, people can go, "Oh, don't do it again."
0:26:24 > 0:26:26And you go, "Oh, that was awful,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"I won't have friends if I do this again."
0:26:28 > 0:26:30And then you go back into society, I don't think it's so bad.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You're very right. They could be quite forgiving.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Sometimes, people had flowers thrown at them if they'd...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Daniel Defoe, when he was in the stocks,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40because he'd offended the Church, people threw flowers at him.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Those aren't stocks, so... - Those, no, those are...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46He wasn't in the stocks, sorry. He was, he was pilloried,
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I think is the safest way.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50If people threw horrible things at you - big heavy things -
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- actually, you could die. - Yeah, no, absolutely.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56And some people took great lengths to protect themselves as a result.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58There was a gentleman here, Charles Hitchen,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00who was convicted of attempted sodomy,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and he went into the stocks wearing a suit of armour.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:06What happened to successful ones?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Ones that actually managed to bring it off, as it were?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Presumably, you have to pay a lot for that
0:27:14 > 0:27:16when you were in the stocks.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20The stocks weren't for your head and arms, just for your legs.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And with that, our mosey through the medieval macabre
0:27:23 > 0:27:25must come to an end.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27We have scores.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Mercy, mercy me.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Well, in joint first position,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36with minus 6, Matt and Julia!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46In third place, with minus 10,
0:27:46 > 0:27:47David Mitchell!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56But the witch we shall be burning this evening
0:27:56 > 0:27:58is Alan Davies with minus 25!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Ah...
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Well, it only remains for me to thank Matt, David, Julia and Alan.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15And the last word on the Middle Ages comes from Bennett Cerf,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17"Middle age is when your contemporaries are so grey
0:28:17 > 0:28:20"and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognise you."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Goodnight.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE