0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47The malformed Josh Widdicombe...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53..the mutated Phill Jupitus...
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00..the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07..and the complete monstrosity, Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16IN MENACING VOICE: Now, let's hear your scary noises.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Sarah goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21WOMAN SCREAMS
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Josh goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25MONSTER GROWLS
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Phill goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29WOLF HOWLS
0:01:31 > 0:01:34And Alan goes... CHICKEN CLUCKS
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Too terrible to contemplate.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Let's start with a monster mix-and-match.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Here are some cards you'll find under your desk.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- The fronts and the backs.- Oh!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And we want you to see if you can make
0:01:55 > 0:01:57some kind of monster - and name it if you can.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Oh, right.- Name it?- Mm.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- OK.- You've got bottoms, Alan...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- I'm a classic bottom. - I'm a classic top.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..and Josh has got tops.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- What have you got there? - Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- LAUGHTER - Hey...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What you've created there is a human.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- I'd say it's borderline, Stephen. - Too terrible to contemplate.- Yeah.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- Here we go, here we go, all right... - OK, OK.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute.- OK.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Ooh.- OK.- There we go.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Ah, a lionfish.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Now, that's interesting, cos the lionfish does exist.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Unlike the merlion that we have created...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Ah, the merlion is a very good...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35..which would sing on the rocks by the coast of Africa
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and lure deer to their deaths.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Well, Alan, there you've got an ant...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42An ant cow.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Yeah, we've got the...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Basically, what you got there is
0:02:45 > 0:02:48an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Well, we can go through some of these.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Certainly a lionfish exists.- OK.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There's a bounty on them, if you catch them in the Caribbean.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They destroy the habitat - they're so successful.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01There's almost nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Try making one to order. See if you can make a Minotaur.- OK.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Minotaur...- Oh, Minotaur...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- So, it's...- Bull's head. - Bull's head's on there.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur. - Yeah.- Rather than a lion?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12There we go.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No-one's quite sure whether it should have...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17the human top with a bull's bottom, but...
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- We've made a Minotaur. - Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- I'm going to say pop your cards away.- Oh.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You've done a lovely mermaid - well done.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33That's definitely one that was available.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35There are all kinds of things available -
0:03:35 > 0:03:38the myrmecoleon, which is also known as a formicaleon.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- This is a lion head and an ant body.- What?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They held it to be bigger than an ant.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- How big was it? - A bit like a large ant.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Oh, like a large ant.- Yeah.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are the human body with a fish tail.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and how can they consummate their relationship? You know...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Fertilise the eggs, Stephen. - Exactly, it's very simple.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09She lays her eggs on a rock or something
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and you fertilise them - what's the problem with that?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and take the mermaid with him.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19So, he has to go back to, I don't know, Dorking...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yes, that it might be.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24..find a pond, pop his new fishwife in there.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- LAUGHING:- Fishwife! - She lays her eggs
0:04:27 > 0:04:31and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure
0:04:31 > 0:04:33at a boating pond.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36And one that you get points for because it does exist
0:04:36 > 0:04:37is the merlion.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion -
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- which is the lion head and a fish tail.- Yeah.- Really?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Is it?- Oh...thank you, Singapore.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Yeah. Gives you those points.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- The hippocampus.- Hippopotamus.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Thank you for replying with another animal.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER You're doing very well.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Hip-po replacement.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00But...hippocampus is...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03The hipster campus is, it's...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- runs coffee bars in Shoreditch... - LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:08..in a very effeminate way.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Well, as you probably know,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11it's part of the brain, the hippocampus,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13but why is it called the hippocampus?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- The shape of it.- Is...?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It's the shape of a seahorse.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- had a horse front and a fish tail.- Oh...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25And so did that they think before they found the seahorse
0:05:25 > 0:05:27or they thought they were two separate seahorses?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30No, there are seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Let's find out sometime - not now.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That is surely the opposite of what this show is about.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I panicked, all right? I just panicked.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43People love seahorses because
0:05:43 > 0:05:46it's the male who gestates the babies, isn't it, with seahorses?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Which is always so lovely.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I've dived amongst them and I was just shocked by how small they are.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52You must have...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.- Oh, right.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57They have a very long thin tank that they go up and down -
0:05:57 > 0:05:58it's quite sweet.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I assume that's what they want to do,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- otherwise it feels a bit unfair. - Would be cruel.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05They have to just go up and down.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed...- They race.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09..they browse in the weeds.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11They browse in the weeds, looking...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13They have little stalls and they all get in.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER At the races.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19There's always one that doesn't want to go and they have to take him off.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22So, no matter what monster you imagine,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Here's a monster that someone made earlier,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30but what is it and what's it made from?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Oh....- Oh, my gosh.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Is it carved?- Mm... - Is it made from bone?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- It's called a Fiji mermaid.- Ooh...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44People would come from miles to see it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45It was shown off at carnivals,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51For a long time, people thought it was made by
0:06:51 > 0:06:54the addition of a monkey's head with a fish.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Do you know the Horniman Museum? - Yeah, I live near there.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Do you?- It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07It is an incredible place.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10A genuine museum of curiosities of the most fascinating kind.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I've been there too - it's great. - It is good. It's a fine place.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You just saying that cos I said I've been there?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- LAUGHTER - I go every week.- Largely, yeah.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Cos when you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I let you have your time in the sun.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25"Time in the sun."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- SARA GASPS - Oh, wow!- There we go.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Now, look. You see, now...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- There he is.- So, were they supposed to be scary creatures?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It is quite scary.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You can picture it scampering in your bedroom or something.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know that
0:07:46 > 0:07:49this is a result of the CT scans,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52which were made by the Horniman Museum for us,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and Dr James Moffatt of St George's University in London
0:07:55 > 0:07:59translated the CT scan data into
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- this 3-D printing of the original.- Wow!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- So, this is a 3-D printing. Isn't it good?- Yeah!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Yeah, we like that.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:11And you can see how detailed it is.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Even the little holes and flaws in the fish tail.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Have you been to St George's Hospital?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17It's really excellent.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER Now...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I'm not going to play this game.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Ergh! Ergh!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I genuinely jumped.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31You've seen them on Dartmoor, haven't you, Widdicombe?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- What are your monsters called? - We've got... On Dartmoor?- Yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Which is a...- No.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41- PHILL:- You get it when you're about 15.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:50The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- if you were driving along the B3021...- Pissed.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58..and it would steer you off the road.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- But there's...- "Officer!"- "Officer!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:03IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: 'And it smelt of cider, didn't it?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09'It dropped it's pint on me, and then it drove me off the road.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:13One of the people that claimed
0:09:13 > 0:09:15he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17he described it as invisible.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, bless him for trying.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28There's the old curse about the Monkey Wishing Hand,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- which it seems is where that's coming from.- Oh, yeah.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33What's that? What's that?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It's a dead one of those.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:41What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's a herd of those.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45I've got loads of them.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:53So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55No. Jenny Agutter.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Let me add another Jenny to your list of Jennys.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Was she on the front of a boat? - Whoa.- Oh!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Lord, that's Doctor Who.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08There's a box of props from Doctor Who.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09It does look like it, doesn't it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It's the Ku Klux Klams.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Can you guess what they are?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- You burn one cross... - Fish.- They're fish.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- They are flatfish. - They're skates. Skate.- Oh, skate.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes -
0:10:26 > 0:10:28it was known as Jenny Hanivers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Mostly sailors from Antwerp who seemed to do this -
0:10:31 > 0:10:33it was their specialist art.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and they did Jenny Haniver.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Very odd, but they exist,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and you can see that they exist, because they're there in a box.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Discarded, unwanted.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48The ones in the middle that look like they're wearing glasses
0:10:48 > 0:10:50are the best ones, I think.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52If they started singing, you'd shit yourself.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:56# Doo-doo doo-doo dum... #
0:10:56 > 0:10:58HE SCREAMS
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Toothy.- Well...- He's very toothy. - ..looks dinosaur-y to me.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11it's not vegetarian, can't you?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Is it...a killer rabbit? - Sabre-toothed tiger?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- It's a killer rabbit. - Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No, it's a bit smaller than that.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Is it a tiny mouse?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER It's a little bit bigger than that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Is it a mole?- It's a mole! - A mole! Is it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's a mole. Well done.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE Well done.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34This species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole, and...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It looks like that guy from Futurama, doesn't it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- It does. Zoidberg.- Zoidberg.- Yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42IMITATES ZOIDBERG: Well, when you look like Zoidberg...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:47It's a wonderful mole.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50They live underground, and we don't really have much to do with them,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52but they're equipped with special powers.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55For example, they can smell in stereo,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58so they can tell when something is coming, from which direction.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So, very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02They'd be able to say, "It was you. It was you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Don't like - it was you."
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And they have toxins with which they paralyse
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and stun the worms that they eat.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Why would they want to do that if they've got the worm anyway?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- So they can eat it later. - So they can eat it later.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- So they find it and go... - They have larders.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- .."Tasty, but lunchtime." - Exactly. Deferred pleasure.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- But pop it in their larder.- Eurgh...
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- But they're... - That's amazing.- Christ!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yeah, they need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29They do extraordinary tunnelling.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Now, given their size and weight,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38that is equivalent of a human moving four tonnes -
0:12:38 > 0:12:41about 1,000 shovel loads - every 20 minutes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- So why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel?- Every 20 minutes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- LAUGHTER - It would've been amazing - and cute.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Yeah, about 400 of them - Crossrail, done in a fortnight.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- LAUGHTER - We're missing something, huh.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Anyway, now, name all the members of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Beryl.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Linda.- Jean.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Shirley.- Angry Sue.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- LAUGHTER - She's the leader.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Have you heard of the Monstrous Regiment of Women?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous...- Oh!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- John Knox.- Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've...
0:13:21 > 0:13:22The First Blast of the Trumpet Against
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- the Monstrous Regiment of Women. - Monstrous Regiment of Women.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28So, I've read that, and it's bad that I couldn't remember
0:13:28 > 0:13:29the Monstrous Regiment of Women.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It seems like it's kind of the main part.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Do you...?- It seems like...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Actually, what it is is a slight change in the language,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38and monstrous doesn't mean monstrous as we would say it -
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- it means unnatural.- Mm.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42And regiment doesn't mean
0:13:42 > 0:13:45the whole load of them marching on, these women -
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- it means regime.- Right.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49And he was a Protestant,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51and he was angry at the fact
0:13:51 > 0:13:53there were two Catholic women on the thrones...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Oh, of course.- ..of England.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Who might they have been?- Mary...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Which Mary? They were both called Mary.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01- The Two Marys...- The Two Marys.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- LAUGHTER Exactly.- ..being right.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07This has now turned into a story from the Bunty - The Two Marys.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- There was our Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor.- Yeah.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12The one who burned the Protestants.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21- Cheery bunch.- Yeah, a cheery bunch.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.- Yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You know when they do, like, those style challenges on This Morning
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- and it's before and after? - It is, isn't it?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"She used to just wear monochrome, but look at her now!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:39So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41didn't like these women on the throne.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43He was angry about it and wrote this thing.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49do remember who her husband was, by any chance?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Darnley, his name was, her husband.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He was murdered. He was actually blown up.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56This is a very extraordinary story.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58One of the presumed architects of the explosion
0:14:58 > 0:15:00was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -
0:15:00 > 0:15:02a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05ALAN GIGGLES
0:15:05 > 0:15:06"Where's your shoes, Archibald?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- LAUGHTER - "Oh!"
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You've always got to take your shoes off before dynamite -
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- that's what I say. - He got away with it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.- Mm-hm.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"She sent for a number of light ladies and women
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"to come to Holyrood House
0:15:25 > 0:15:30"and participate stark naked in a ball."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"Then they had cut off their pubic hair
0:15:33 > 0:15:38"and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male guests,
0:15:38 > 0:15:39"who were sick."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Was she just trying to, you know, like,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47trying to get back to normal life?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- "Let's just carry on as we were." - That's right.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54"Get your pubes and put them in that pie.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"That's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Actually, I think this might be quite clever.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"Aw, what happened to your husband?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08But now, no - "Why did you have that pube party?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:12What? Why? Are you joking?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You know, it's all the detail we have.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"Two things, Mary - number one, condolences. Number two..."
0:16:17 > 0:16:18It's all the detail we have, sadly,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21but the actual person who took the rap for the murder,
0:16:21 > 0:16:22he was hanged, drawn and quartered
0:16:22 > 0:16:25on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,
0:16:25 > 0:16:26which seems a bit unfair.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28His name was William Blackadder.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32HE IMPERSONATES GENERAL MELCHETT: It's true.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Oh, stop it. Don't.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39There you are.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42The Monstrous Regiment of Women was just a couple of Marys.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Which is nastier -
0:16:43 > 0:16:48a foetid parachute or a hairy nuts disco?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- OK...- I'll tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco - Mary.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER Exactly. It's so true.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You can have hairy nuts as a sort of amuse-bouche.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Basically, that would be a party
0:17:03 > 0:17:05with people just walking around, going...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07HE WRETCHES
0:17:10 > 0:17:12HE CONTINUES TO WRETCH
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Making a pubic nuisance.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They are cocktails.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Are these cocktails? - They're not cocktails.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21They look exactly as if they would be cocktails.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Foetid parachute might be a slight clue
0:17:23 > 0:17:26in as much as the shape of a parachute might be.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Oh!- Oh, jellyfish!- Jellyfish!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Not jellyfish - that's the one thing it could've been.- Mushrooms!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34The other one is mushrooms. Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time,
0:17:38 > 0:17:39and there are some incredible names.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Pink disco - that's normal and nice.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Greasy bracket. All right?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Punched him in the greasy bracket. I don't know.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Powdery piggyback.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51IN A MENACING VOICE: Shall we play powdery piggyback?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55White brain, jelly ear, Verdigris Navel,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHING: fragrant funnel...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I'm sorry. I'm sorry. LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Cinnamon jellybaby, witches' butter, slimy earth tongue.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Alan Rickman's fridge gunk.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Let's just start making up mushroom names.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12These are also all bands that have had a John Peel session as well.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Hot lips, twisted deceiver...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Barbara Cartland's shoe tree.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20..bog cannon, gassy night...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- I've had one of them. - ..and the hairy nuts disco.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23There you are.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25So, how often are they finding new fungi?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Amazingly, amazingly. Let me tell you a remarkable story.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31This is in September 2014 - not very long ago.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32A couple of mycologists -
0:18:32 > 0:18:35as they call fungus experts - from Kew Gardens
0:18:35 > 0:18:40analysed the DNA of a supermarket packet of porcini mushrooms.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44They found three species unknown to science.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER Perfectly edible.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Was there any horse in it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53The scientists named them in Latin
0:18:53 > 0:18:57white beef liver, delicious cattle liver fungus and edible.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Wow.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Do you know, the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more - Sarah or Alan?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:11So, in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Wow.- 1,200 a year? - It's amazing, isn't it?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.- Wow.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening?- Very.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- And they can be aggressive - that's why we've...- Like moles!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- We should get them in a fight.- Yes!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Mushrooms versus moles! - LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:29They can be very aggressive.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Although they don't exactly move,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33they do spread themselves huge distances underground.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I still think I could beat one in a fight.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to eat them.- Yes...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42which is how I fight.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Mushrooms are quite small. They used to be huge.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal there were.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54When trees and plans were just three foot tall,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57they were much, much bigger - and much more phallic.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Really?- Apparently.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Planet of the Cocks.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:05So, now, it's time to descend into the dark
0:20:05 > 0:20:09and fetid nest of nasties that is General Ignorance.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11First, some real sea monsters. Fingers on buzzers.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Why do great white sharks bite people?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16WOMAN SCREAMS Yes?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17It's to keep themself in the news.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That's probably why.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's so good and so true.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Is it cos they think they're something else?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It's a pretty good answer, yes...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32People say it's because the shadow of a person,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37No, you see, the thing is when... They do eat seals,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo -
0:20:39 > 0:20:41they dive in, and there's nothing left.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44But when they attack people, they just take a bite,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46and they usually then go off.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- "What is this?"- Oh, God.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52So, it's like at a party with a vol-au-vent?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Yeah, basically.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56They just think, "I'll just take a little bit off it."
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Oh, no, no.- "..and see if I like it, see what it is."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That's generally believed by...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Going over to his mates going, "Don't try that - it's horrible."
0:21:04 > 0:21:06"Don't put it back on the tray. Don't put it back on the tray.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- "Put it over there." - "You've started it now."
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16If you're a human and you lose half your leg,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- you don't, obviously, think of it like that.- No, no.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21But the point is if they wanted to kill you,
0:21:21 > 0:21:22they are such ferocious...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"I hope that's sated your curiosity!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibble
0:21:28 > 0:21:31before they decide whether or not we're worth munching.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Who has the biggest face in America?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Oh, is it... - MONSTER ROARS
0:21:39 > 0:21:40..one of Mount Rushmore.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Ah... Dang nabbit. SIREN RINGS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47No, I said 'one of'.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Is it a clock? - No, it's not a clock.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Good, good... Very smart.- OK.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Where's Mount Rushmore?- Dakota. - South Dakota is right, yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And this particular huge face
0:21:59 > 0:22:03which is bigger by far than either of the four Presidents there...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05But you can get a point for naming them.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Washington... - Washington.- ..Lincoln...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09and the other two.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- McKinley, no? And... - Jefferson...- Jefferson and...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- ..and Teddy Roosevelt.- Oh! Oh!- Oh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- LAUGHTER - I knew all of them! Just on the...
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Oh, Horniman Museum!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I'm not going to lie - I was going to go Obama, so...
0:22:33 > 0:22:3615 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- 15 miles?- Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh, it's the Indian head thing.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chief
0:22:45 > 0:22:47who was a hero to his people.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It's being done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Ancient Polish guy - I've met him. He's extraordinary, yeah.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it?- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:5787 feet high, is the face.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And do you know the name of the Indian brave?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02He won, for his people, the battle,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04of which was only a battle - they lost the war...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Sitting Bull.- Sitting Bull. - Crazy Horse.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Steve.- # Ow! #- "Steve!"
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Crazy Horse.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- There it is - there's the face. - Oh, he's beautiful.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Lordy, lord.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27HE SINGS ROOBARB THEME MUSIC
0:23:27 > 0:23:29But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- IMITATES CUSTARD:- Look out, there's a big Indian after you.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- So, there's one guy who's done this? - Yeah.- Amazing.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- And he's still doing it. - That's why it's taking so long.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39When did he start?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Do you have to buy the mountain
0:23:40 > 0:23:42first, or do you just do it on somebody else's?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Cos I'd be pretty angry if that was in my garden.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47You know, the really impressive thing is
0:23:47 > 0:23:49that he's done it with sandpaper.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Is he going to get to the end
0:23:51 > 0:23:55and then they're going to realise he has got planning permission?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56"Put it all back, my friend."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58"You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- LAUGHTER - "We want it all back."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- There you can see how it should look.- Oh, wow.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08That's the real thing in the background.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09It's a noble endeavour,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I don't know if he's using dynamite,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15cos that's what they used in Mount Rushmore.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18They used dynamite to four inches worth of accuracy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Really? - You know, all the little features -
0:24:20 > 0:24:22the nose and everything else. Unbelievable.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers,
0:24:25 > 0:24:26you know, who opened up the West,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32but then they decided it should be presidents
0:24:32 > 0:24:34just to get on the right side of politics, I suppose.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously, Lewis and Clark on the right.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And you know what you do after a good dynamite?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Pube party.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That must have been the biggest pube party of all time.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It was massive.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Oh... Oh, yeah. - Not falling for that one.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58No way. No way!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Is it going to be a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridge
0:25:01 > 0:25:03or something like that?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06What we've got out of the way, cos it's hanging here like a worry,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08is it's not the Great Wall of China.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Oh, OK.- Yeah. - Try a continent where it might be.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Europe.- OK. - Europe is not where it is.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Asia.- Australia. - Nor Asia, nor Australia.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- North America.- Nor North America.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- South America.- Nor South America.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Antarctica.- Antarctica. - Nor Antarctica.- Arctic.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Africa.- Africa! Thank you.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Hey!- Bloody hell, I'm glad...
0:25:26 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon isn't watching this.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"Africa! Africa!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...? - It's Nigeria, in fact.- Oh.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44The Great Earthworks of Benin!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's also called the Walls of Benin.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- The Walls, of course, Benin! - Defensive earthworks...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53The Earthen Walls of Benin in...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56..dug by the Edo people.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- 10,000 miles in length.- Miles of it. 10,000 miles...- 10,000 miles?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01..of defensive earthworks by the Edos.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- 10,000 miles in length. - How could I forget(?!)
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Four times longer than the Great Wall of China.- OK.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Puny little wall.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Consumed 100 times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Took 700 years and an estimated 150 million hours of digging.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Severely damaged by... HE CLEARS THROAT
0:26:20 > 0:26:25..the British...when we sacked and burned Benin in 1897.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Aren't the British brilliant?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:35"There's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42More or less exactly what happened.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- What did they build it for? - Defences.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Keep out the British, I'd imagine. - Keep out the British!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Didn't work very well, unfortunately.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!"
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Of course, you could argue that
0:26:59 > 0:27:02the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06cos it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- You can drive across the whole lot. - It's all connected by road.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- You know... - So, who do we take this up with?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15The Guinness Book Of Records? Or do we go to Nigeria?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18They'll go, "I think in fact we got something bigger, actually."
0:27:18 > 0:27:19And further twist the knife again.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The monstrous Walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever built
0:27:23 > 0:27:25until we monstrously knocked them down.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28All of which brings us to the monstrous scores.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31It's remarkable. PHILL AND SARA LAUGH
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'm going to start...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36You've all done, may I say, remarkably well.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39In last place,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41with a score that sometimes could be a winning score,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:51In third place, with minus two...
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:03No! Tell me it ain't so!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06In second place, with plus five, Alan Davies!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:12How close it was,
0:28:12 > 0:28:17because the winner by a whisker on six points is Phill Jupitus.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't understand it.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28That's all from Sara, Phill, Josh, Alan and me,
0:28:28 > 0:28:33and I leave you with these words from Andre Breton.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37"The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomato
0:28:37 > 0:28:38"is an idiot."
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Thank you.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE