0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome
0:00:38 > 0:00:43to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45And here's the mix...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the massive Noel Fielding...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:52..the marvellous Eddie Kadi...
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57..the molten Sarah Millican...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03..and who will clean up this mess? Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And let's hear your "messy" buzzers.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Noel goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:14GLASS SMASHES
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Hmm. Eddie goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20BUILDING COLLAPSES
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Sarah goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26CAR CRASHES
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Do you know what that was?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37April 2010.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38What's our theme?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Mess.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Lionel?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Lionel Messi.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Messi...scoring how many times against Arsenal?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh, four. Four times.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'm afraid so.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:52There you are.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Anyway, what's...the meaning of this mess of M words?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Just choose one as it passes by.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07So, is that literally the budget that your mum has?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for £10
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and she'll always be like, "I don't have £10, here's £1."
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Right?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If I asked her for £1, she'll give me 20 pence,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18so I asked her for a million...
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Just to get it up.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Just to, yes, just to get it up.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22And she slapped me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31for example, which is someone who's very fussy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Monarsenous.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Yeah, a single, er...crack.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Oh!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's a bra, it's a bra.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47A useful one to sleep in.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- It's where...- A mammock?- It's where I hang my mammaries.- Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- A maness is a woman.- Yes.
0:02:53 > 0:02:59- Is a mormal...?- Is it?- Yes...- Is it? - But what's surprising...- Is it?! - Yeah.- You got one right!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- I got one right, yeah. I'm going! - Is it actually?- Yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07but actually it's 16th century.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Tudor, 1500s, maness.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- A man and a maness.- Yeah, a man...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Mazology, the study of mazes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15BUZZER ALARM Oh, no!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18The study of mazes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- It's actually the study of mammals. - Oh!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Mammals in zoology. - That live in mazes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Mazology, yeah.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Mogi, mogi...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No!
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I'll get into trouble for that.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41- Oh, really? - So, a Welshman then.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I pulled it back, did you see? I pulled it back.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Is a mournival like a really good funeral?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Woo! - APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And what other words have we come across?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea
0:04:00 > 0:04:02and half of it falls to the bottom.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Oh, that would be so useful as a word.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07What about munge, is that a man with a vagina?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08No, it's...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge.- We munge, that's how verbs work.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20They munge!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I have.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25- Mothers...- I munge daily.- Yeah.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- I am munge...- I will have munged, would be future perfect.- Yes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I could have munged.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged.- Yes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I cannot remember if I munged or not.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Munge is to wipe someone else's nose.- Wow.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- I did not munge.- You didn't munge.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I munge about every 15 minutes at home.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Mesopygion...mesopygion is interesting,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48because you almost mentioned that.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- A mesopygion.- Mesopygion.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Mesopygion.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It sounds like you're doing yourself down, oh me-so-pygion
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Oh, mesopygion. Er...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.- Eso what?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- That's what I call sexy times.- Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17A fissure. A fissure, I mean.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Not an anal fisher?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21What else were we?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23No, no, no. An anal angler.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Oh, dear.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion.- Yeah, that's right, yeah you could.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- It's amazing.- Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion.- Yeah...
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Yup, there it is.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists.- Yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44If you want to know what the rest mean, go to...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's a real site.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Ah-h-h.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57So, let's let the mytacism roll.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Name a politician with raw animal magnetism.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh...wow...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Ed Miliband. - THEY LAUGH
0:06:06 > 0:06:08No, but seriously.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10THEY LAUGH
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It's actually a politician long dead.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Animal magnetism, where did that phrase come from?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time, but why animal magnetism?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25There's something charismatic about them physically,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- the way they move or look or do things.- Hmm.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It's not what they say, it's their aroma.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Is it the way...
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Yeah, free spirit.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39but you're not allowed to say that?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Where are we, is it American politicians?- No, we're back in the 19th century.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- 19th century.- 19th century, and...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli.- A German Austrian figure called Franz...- Franz.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do,
0:06:59 > 0:07:04which involved using the magnetic fluids of people
0:07:04 > 0:07:06to make them do things they didn't want to do.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And he coined the phrase animal magnetism,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18And his name was Franz M... M...
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Magnet.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Mugwump.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22M...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and amazing, I'm m...
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Mesmerising.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Yes, and so his name was?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Bobby Mesmeriser. - THEY LAUGH
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I've already given you Frank...Franz, haven't I?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Franz Mesmer.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Franz Mesmer was his name.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise.- Oh-h-h.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46To use hypnosis.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Even the name's quite mesmerising.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49It is, the name...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- GERMAN ACCENT: - "I am Bobby the Mesmeriser."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Yeah. Forget the Bobby. - Frank, Franz.- Yeah.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- I like Bobby.- You prefer Bobby, OK.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you?- No, you don't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03- "Oh, like, Bobby, yeah, he's harmless."- Bobby Mesmer.- where are the fluids, the bodily fluids?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- The magnetic fluids?- Yeah.- It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed.- Oh.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16which don't exist in the human body,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- It's called Rohypnol now. - Yes, I'm afraid it is!
0:08:22 > 0:08:26But plenty of people believed in what he did and said -
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote
0:08:41 > 0:08:44that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46THEY LAUGH
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Why are we laughing?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57THEY LAUGH
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- And he heard a sound...- He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15So, his wife was...she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yes, exactly.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24which was an insult, was Pitt the Younger.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29- He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.- Wow.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some
0:09:32 > 0:09:36sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Louis XVI set one up.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48They ruled that it had no basis in fact,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, at least according to Coleridge.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Now, what's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LOUD CRASH Yes, Sarah Millican?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03My breasts.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's it, he just, he sort of fell.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12He fell on your breasts?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I was in, like, W H Smiths and...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was...and...and I had
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful.- Yes.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28But I normally have them out and he just landed,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, he just kissed them.- Wow!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What was his reaction?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Did he like it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36He was pleased.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"? - No, he was too polite for that,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43but I could see a little glint in his eye.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45THEY LAUGH
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- It's a pubic wig.- A pubic wig.- Yes.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- If he was drunk enough. - THEY LAUGH
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- On communion wine. - Had he tripped in a different way.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Well, we're going back to the 17th century.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02- And it was a rather... - If it was a tall lady.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I think you're going to like this man.
0:11:04 > 0:11:10There's an English...English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Dicky Dudley.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley. He was hiding in Rome
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24a merkin, from an anatomist.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28"He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas
0:11:28 > 0:11:31cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- There they are, there's a selection of them.- Wow!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I like the one on the bottom right.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- That's excellent.- Yes, nice curls.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Yeah. That's had a perm, that one.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- So, this was Ann Summers back in the day.- Yeah.- Kind of.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45My goodness.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Innocent XI, as a piece of St Peter's beard.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56THEY LAUGH
0:11:56 > 0:11:57And...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59THEY LAUGH
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Oh, well done, him!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Pope Gullible IV.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Yeah! Exactly! THEY LAUGH
0:12:07 > 0:12:08- "A beard, you say? Hmm." - THEY LAUGH
0:12:08 > 0:12:09"St Peter's!"
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times
0:12:15 > 0:12:17and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Dick was paid 100 ducats and he immediately skedaddled it
0:12:21 > 0:12:24out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff...bluff!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Wow.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Disease.- Waxing?- Yes, syphilis. Through what?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Waxing.- Waxing. No! HE LAUGHS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yes, it does rather, doesn't it?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Or Mick Hucknall.- Hipster sun.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard, you don't
0:12:58 > 0:12:59know where it's been.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Cake. - BUZZER ALARM
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry.- Welcome.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I told you we'd return to muffs and here we have with a vengeance. What did people keep in muffs?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20What did women keep in muffs?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Mirror.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- A living, moving accessory.- Ooh.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29A hamster?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Maybe that just WAS the muff.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36A crocodile.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41A wild guess and I wish it were correct, it's...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- A duck.- Not a duck.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.- A dog.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Yeah, so dogs.- In their sleeves? - Yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55in England, were worn by both men and women, not just women.
0:13:55 > 0:14:01- King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.- Wow.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07"This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11SARAH LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:14:11 > 0:14:14All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife, which she kept in her muff.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Can you just control yourselves?!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25YOU don't...you, how...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36who was the first woman to play Carmen.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- She always kept a marmoset in her muff.- Of course she did.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Yeah. So, there you are. There's a lot of...
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- Where else are you going to put it? - Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Now, for a question about meteorology.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much
0:15:02 > 0:15:07- he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off.- Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it."
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Here's a man who had...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21..an extraordinary and brilliant idea,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and he had an incredibly stupid idea.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27But the world believed his stupid idea,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31but laughed derisively at his good idea.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast
0:15:34 > 0:15:38and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And people laughed him to scorn.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50"Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark."
0:15:50 > 0:15:53And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it? - Yeah, that's right.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06they couldn't get the umbrella over their head.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08And he...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Noah would have had a whole...dinosaur section, it's absurd.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22- Was there a weather forecast? - The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine."
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- They're just really positive.- They were deluded.- They were very sort of optimistic.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought."
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I've just got the image now of a weather...cave weatherman doing the weather...
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I don't know why we had a cave weatherman.- ..on a cave, and then all the dinosaurs sort of gathering
0:16:37 > 0:16:39round to see the pollen count.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45A bastard.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- He was a friend of Darwin's.- Oh.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03"Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!"
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Yeah, exactly. THEY LAUGH
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Basically, that's what he tried...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning."
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!"
0:17:15 > 0:17:16THEY LAUGH
0:17:18 > 0:17:19"You can't possibly know that."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"I'm telling you, it is!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Well, it was 20 years... - What a pair!- They were a pair.
0:17:24 > 0:17:2820 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round asking what
0:17:34 > 0:17:36sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy."
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood.- Norwood.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times,
0:17:51 > 0:17:52and was four words.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55"Moderate, westerly wind, fine."
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down."
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Exactly. Well, there you are.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The word meteorology comes from the Greek for things high up,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and in terms of high up,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Of course they did. - And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Giving you the idea of it. OK.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Did frogs, did frogs even know what ladders were?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- I don't think they have to know what they are, do they?- Did they just like...?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31They just have to have the instinct to climb.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders. - It didn't have to be.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- I think you're right. - "Sunny spells. Sunny spells."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53What if it was foggy?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy."
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Maybe he was trying to get out the top.- Yeah. That's what he's trying to do.- He's trying to escape.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off, and then what's going to happen?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like. I'm out of here."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I'm out of this game.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15APPLAUSE
0:19:15 > 0:19:17There we have it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20That's right, the father of meteorology thought that the
0:19:20 > 0:19:23dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26What do you think?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28HE INHALES SEVERAL TIMES
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Yes or no?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Er, yes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Yes is right.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Oh, phew!- That was yes.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36THEY LAUGH
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Well done.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42In the Swedish town of Umea, that is yes, to go... HE INHALES REPEATEDLY
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Which you can sort of do in English, going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Oh, that's their way of saying yes? - Yeah. Yeah, their way of saying yes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And what's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be
0:19:52 > 0:19:55a universal way of signalling yes or no.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Darwin was very interested in the idea,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see
0:19:59 > 0:20:03whether they nodded and shook for yes and no.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Mostly, it seems, that nodding for yes and shaking for no.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Shaking for Timotei.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Yeah, indeed, in the middle.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And nodding for dandruff.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14But there's a reason, some people think,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no".
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- what do they do?- Yeah, they...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23They turn their head away, they do that.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- I never do that. - And if they want... No!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31If they want food...
0:20:31 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, dear!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38..they incline their heads if they want food. They seem
0:20:38 > 0:20:41to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49You know, my friend was in Ethiopia, and she said
0:20:49 > 0:20:51she was at a restaurant,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- And he just kept going... - HE SQUEAKS
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- "Do you have any...?" - HE SQUEAKS
0:20:57 > 0:20:59So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:01He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was... - HE SQUEAKS
0:21:04 > 0:21:07But in Africa in general, including Congo,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09we have sound effects that we use.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!",
0:21:11 > 0:21:12it means she's agreeing.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:20And she's like, "Ah-ha."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23"So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Very dramatic. And it literally is that, you see,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!"
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:33It looks like an argument,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36but they're having the most pleasant conversation!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Indeed. Now, what could you learn from a meerkat?
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Oh.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh! How to accessorise?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52- Not how to put mascara on. - No, that's not impressive, is it?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57No!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06What are meerkats a type of?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- They're actually a sort of mongoose. - Mongoose.- Oh!- A sort of mongoose.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Do you know what they do? - Is a mongoose a goose?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- The men fight... - What's that one doing?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- What's he doing with his hands?! - He's meering!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Impression of a mongoose!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick
0:22:26 > 0:22:29of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually
0:22:29 > 0:22:32drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35But the women sneak out to see him.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh, that's very sweet.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Yes, getting a diverse pool. - The women sneak out.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46They had quite funny little footage of the women
0:22:46 > 0:22:48kind of sneaking out of the camp.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50But, like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of...
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Yeah, basically, yeah!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56they literally did it in a bush!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:00And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02No woman would sneak out for a Brian!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04No?!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- We're quite choosy. - Animal magnetism.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Animal magnetism. That's the one.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?"
0:23:13 > 0:23:19- Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving.- Yes...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Let's...let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa.- Is it a danger thing?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29We learnt they're one of the very few animals,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32other than human beings, who teach their young.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Oh, they have classes. - Kind of do, yeah.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Ah! Little books and things.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44That one's a supply teacher.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:48He's got that look!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53One of the things they have to teach them,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56for example, is how to deal with a scorpion.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- then a live one with no sting. - Oh, my God!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05And then, finally, as you can see, there it is watching,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07making sure that it's all going well,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting,
0:24:13 > 0:24:14so that they make sure their young pup...
0:24:14 > 0:24:19The last, the last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yeah. But I think it's rather, it's rather impressive.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It is pretty impressive, isn't it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- It's amazing! - And do any of their young die?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I think they're such good teachers,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- they know exactly what they're doing.- Really?- Yeah.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38They don't give them a live one, even without a sting,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- until they're sure they can cope. - So they're ready.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- And you would start on, like, a least favourite bairn, wouldn't you? - Yes!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45While you were learning how to teach.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49"Hang on, he's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And you'd keep your good bairn for the end.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"Oh, you weren't ready, shit!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Brian!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!"
0:25:08 > 0:25:11And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Chop it down. - CRASH!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yeah, count the rings. - KLAXON Oh!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Oh! Is that not right? - Well, not really, no.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after! - LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:31It's not all...
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Did the question say...?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44There are some years when it doesn't put down rings
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and other years when it puts down two, even three rings.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48So it's very hard to tell precisely.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying.- Yeah.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Not putting a ring down.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55"Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"This ran out years ago, mate. 32 again!"
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- is to find out when it was planted.- Yeah(!)
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Oh, shut up!- I know, it's not my answer, it's their answer.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Passport!- Yeah!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Now, what colour is the moon?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23CRASH!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Black.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31OK! Well...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33The dark side of the moon.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- I'll accept black, because it's... - The dark side of the moon.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, the sides are all the same colour.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- I know.- It's a nice thought, the dark side of the moon.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.- Yes.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Basically, kind of charcoal. Almost black.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Not a light grey, not a silvery colour.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I mean, of course we get light...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51No. It's weird, because you can't get grey cheese.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Right. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04A full Earth seen from the moon is a lot brighter
0:27:04 > 0:27:07than a full moon seen from the Earth.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09That's because people leave their lights on.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13So the moon is very dark grey.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15But what colour is the sun?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I've heard it's...green.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- Not bad.- Tartan, green?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. Tartan!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart...
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Yes?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34..it's mushroom.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- It's bluey-green.- Turquoise?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- It emits photons of all the colours. - Like a blue flame.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45But slightly more blue-green photons than any other,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47so it is, yeah, a slightly blue/green tint.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Wow. That is not fair.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50The moon and the sun are just playing with us.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Well, yes!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56- Right.- As it does at noon,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58if you were to look at it from the ground.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59- Like a star.- But don't, obviously.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10In last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid!
0:28:10 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:19In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:28With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:34It can only mean one astonishing thing.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40CHEERING
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Well!
0:28:49 > 0:28:51That's this mess cleaned up.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01"Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done." Goodnight.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING