0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Very goooo-oo-ood evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Now, a magpie's real name is a pie. It's a pie.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Then where does the "mag" come from?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Margaret.- Yeah, Margaret.- Was it?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Yeah.- Margaret pie?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Where did that come from?
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Margaret pie.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01In medieval England, it was common to give birds
0:01:01 > 0:01:03a Christian name, sometimes,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06and the ones that have survived have included magpie.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Which other ones can you...? - Robin.- Robin.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Robin redbreast. - Robin redbreast.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Dave Starling.- Sorry? LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER Joseph would have been funny.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Not as funny as Dave, but it's better.- Yeah.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Tomtit. Jenny Wren.- Tomtit, yeah.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Charlie Crow.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Jackdaw.- Jackdaw. - Oh, jackdaw.- Yeah, yeah.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- So, there are a few of them. - Christopher Chaffinch.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday...- Oh.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44..and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER Oh, dear.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- What do you think it was, then? What make?- "The back gate."
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- I think it was a young crow...- Yeah.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00..that was having a bit of trouble with flight
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- cos it flew into a bush...- Oh, dear. - ..and I presume it's dead by now.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- LAUGHTER - That's it? You...?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch.- Yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:16 > 0:02:19What could you have done with it?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- I don't know. What are you going to do with a bird?- Shoot it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Take it out.- Shoot the...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Sniper's rifle through the brain. - I could have gone after it
0:02:26 > 0:02:27cos it was in the garden and couldn't get out.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Yeah, exactly. Yeah. - AUDIENCE GASPS
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Just scoop it up with a tennis racket
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- and hit it with a frying pan... - LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38..and chuck it over the wall. That's what I would do.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Yeah, that's right.- Let's face it, it is the wild.- Yeah.- Exactly, yes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Even if it is Hampstead. - LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's wild for them, though.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50They'd have had it in a coulis.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55A crow couscous.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- With some quinoa. - LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- I wonder what its name was. - Clive, I expect.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- No, I think it was Vel.- Vel?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Vel-crow.- Velcro.- Oh! - APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Now, what begins with M that you could shoot with one of these?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Those guys are tiny. - LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- A mallard. - Mallard is very good. Absolutely.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24You recognise what that is?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:32There's a few punters in.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Oh!- ..and proved that a man can actually fly.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:47So, don't tell me you weren't on a punt?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No, I wasn't on a punt, and there's a sort of momentum thing goes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You get it going and then you just can't stop it,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- and I was airborne for 20 minutes. - LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:59That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05You could fire that at Norfolk and you would wind up in Stavanger
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- three weeks later. - LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps,
0:04:10 > 0:04:15if you like the waterfowl, one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- So, you've got to have the... - Is it shot like a shotgun?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No, but, I mean, I know you're a vegetableist,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- which is fine, but... - LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:25..what I don't understand about these
0:04:25 > 0:04:27is that if you actually hit a duck,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- it vaporised it. - LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And apart from licking the lake or the grass...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- LAUGHTER - ..there's no nutritional value
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- from an atomised... - You're pretty much right.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- What are your monsters called? - We've got... On Dartmoor?- Yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Which is a...- No. - You get it when you're about 15.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:59The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- if you were driving along the B3021...- Pissed.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07..and it would steer you off the road.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- But there's...- "Officer!"- "Officer!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:12IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: It smelt of cider, didn't it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- It dropped its pint on me,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- and then it drove me off the road. - LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:22One of the people that claimed
0:05:22 > 0:05:24he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27he described it as invisible.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, bless him for trying.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Can you name one?- Boob Town.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"Boob Town!" LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- No, can you name some real ones? - Great Tit-chfield.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- GRANDLY:- The Mountains of Boob. - LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- SHE LAUGHS:- "The Mountains of Boob!"
0:05:52 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER Press your buzzer.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- 'Man United!'- Manchester?- Yes!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- It was Mam-chester originally.- No. - As in mammary, yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04And it's got "chest" in it as well.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- It's an incredibly rudely-named place.- It's double.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Full breasts - the mammaries and the chest.- Yeah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And there's Nippleton as well, isn't there?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Yes, from the Celtic "mam",
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire.- Jugsford.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Racksbury.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Memford.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Great Titi.- Bazookaville. LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Rackton.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Oh, dear. Gracious.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39The Paps of Anu in Ireland are named after the breasts of...
0:06:39 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And there's a Pap of Glencoe and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- There's Papworth. - Papworth. Absolutely, yes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47There's a hospital there.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- And what about Titty Hill in West Sussex?- What about it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER It exists,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- but it's not named after breasts. - No, of course not.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- What's it named after? - Sir Malcolm Titty.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER It's so silly, it's funny.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03His assistant named it when they both discovered it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05"What do you think we should call this?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- "I think we should name it after you, Titty."- "Titty Hill?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- LAUGHTER - "You found it, Titty."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"We're not going to name it after you, Big Dick."
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24HE LAUGHS
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- LAUGHTER - That sounds great.- Sounds brilliant.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29What it was, we were doing a Secret Santa, right?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30And it was a £10 limit.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32And I went in...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
0:07:34 > 0:07:39and for under £10, the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Anal hoopla consists of a stick... - LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:47..that goes... Guess where.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48And three hoops.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- That's...that's the actual game. - It's an icebreaker.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- It's an icebreaker. - LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:07:59If you think things have gone a bit flat in the bedroom area...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- "Come on!"- I mean, the tone of this show
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- is so difficult to get right. - I'm sorry.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I'm just...I'm recalibrating.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- All this anal hoopla.- Who would have predicted anal hoopla?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:15On the front of it - on the front of the packet -
0:08:15 > 0:08:18is a cartoon drawing a bit like a saucy postcard
0:08:18 > 0:08:20of two people playing it,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- I dare say it doesn't work. - Where was this for sale?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- At the Arsenal football ground? - LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32HE MAKES GUTTURAL SOUNDS
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Thank you.- That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"
0:08:34 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:42HE MAKES GUTTURAL SOUNDS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- "No, thanks." - LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- "Let's play Scrabble." - LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Now, on the subject of probability, you've got this...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It's really interesting. It's a probability issue.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You want a pack of cards each.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I can't catch.- Oh, well caught. We've got some for you.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04So, I want you to take the cards out and give them a good shuffle.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Good shuffle. I'm going to do the same.- Ooh.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Beautifully done.- Sorry, boys.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18And Sandi has been... Look at her.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20She's like a croupier. Jesus!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Very good. APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Very good.- Yes, I've shuffled.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- I've riffled, shuffled. - Yeah.- Not a gambler?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So, can you shove your cards in here?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Oh. All right, then. - All right, thank you.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I'll give them a really good shake.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Is this going to be one of those Derren Brown ones
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- where we all can't eat for a week or something?- No, no, no.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Anyway, there you go. All right.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's just about probability. It's not a big deal.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Is there anything you can't turn your hand to, Stephen?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- Now it's magic.- You haven't seen me turn my hand to anything yet.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55OK, and I'll put my cards in as well. There we go.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58All right, give them all a good shake.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01All right, so, you take one card out. Don't look.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And if you can put it close to your chest, but not...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- No, no, don't look. - I've looked. I know what it is.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Well, it doesn't matter.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10The point is to shove it close to your chest so that that's...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- That's not your chest, darling. - LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14The reason to shove it close to your chest
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- is so that when you reveal it, it's camera height.- Oh, right.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22That's all it is, all right? So, take one out. Feel it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yeah, very good. Very good. All right, I'll do the same.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28All right, all right, I'll do the same.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33OK, so, there is a possibility, but a very unlikely possibility,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- that two of the cards will be the same.- OK.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39So, Sandi, you'll reveal your card. LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Yours is the six of clubs. All right. OK.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And you'll reveal your... Oh, my God.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- AUDIENCE GASPS - Oh!- Alan?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Oh!- Oh, no.- You reveal yours. - Surely not.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51No. Oh, my God.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And mine as well. Oh, there you go. Funny.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56How can that happen?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59APPLAUSE There it is.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Burn him.- He's a witch.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03- There you are. OK.- He's a witch.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- That's a very good trick. - Thank you very much.- Very good.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Very good at cards.- Thank you.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:19Now, what kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Oh, God. Whoa! - LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:23That should have had a warning. Whoa.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26That is...fucking horrible, sorry.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- LAUGHTER - Whoa!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- He's a little furry animal. - Still there.- OK.- Still there.- OK.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Still there.- Oh. Ah! - LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, my God.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- OK, now there's a still image of one.- Yeah.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- It's not moving any more.- Oh! I'm just going to look at Phil.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Eyes on me. - It's all right, Phil. It's OK.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- OK, I'm... - SHE SCREAMS
0:11:46 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:50That was naughty.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Sorry.- Oh, I'm sorry. - What a pathetic reaction. That's...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59No, please. I'd be the same, if not for all the therapy.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER We should have asked.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We should have asked if you had a problem.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- It's not moving, so that's OK. It's not moving.- No. They're big.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07It must be said they are very big
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and they're called Goliath bird-eating spiders.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11But it's never eaten a bird in its life.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Well, that one may not have done
0:12:13 > 0:12:15because it's very, very rare for them to eat birds.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It just so happens the person who discovered it
0:12:17 > 0:12:19happened upon one eating a hummingbird
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and so called it a bird-eating spider.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23That's like, in your family, when you do something once.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yeah, exactly. LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It's like, "Oh, Cariad always gets sick on holiday."
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- And you're like, "It was one time." - LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Oh, Poland-invading Adolf.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Once, I invade Poland!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Now, here's an interesting effect. Listen to this.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- What was being said? - Is that the Devil?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It was the Devil, but do you know what he was saying?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"I'm going to be late. Put the dinner on."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Have another listen.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Now, the chances are you just didn't understand what he was saying,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05but if you heard it said, clearly,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07then listen again to that distorted sound.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And so this is what was being said.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11- RECORDING:- 'Try saying "blue whale".
0:13:11 > 0:13:13'That's bound to come up eventually.'
0:13:13 > 0:13:16DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- LAUGHTER Isn't it extraordinary?- Wow!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Hear that again. RECORDING:- 'Try saying "blue whale".
0:13:21 > 0:13:23'That's bound to come up eventually.'
0:13:23 > 0:13:25DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Yeah!- You really can hear it, can't you?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- It just sounds like he's saying it with a cold.- That's right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's amazing what the human brain can process.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35But it needs a little bit of information.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36From that apparently random sound
0:13:36 > 0:13:39that you thought you could never, ever understand,
0:13:39 > 0:13:40once you're told what it is,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42you can instantly imprint the structure of it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's amazing, I think.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Now, who has the best teeth in the world?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- I really like this question and the answer.- The Bee Gees.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51The Bee Gees. They had good teeth.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- John Bishop. - I'm looking for a nation.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- I'm looking for a people.- Americans.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58KLAXON BLARES Did you say Americans?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No, I didn't say it.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Is it Scandinavians? It must be the Scandinavians.- No.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- Oh, no, it'd be...- The English. - Yes, the British!- Yeah!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09The British have the best teeth in the world.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12APPLAUSE It's true.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- We win again! - LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Yeah, according to the OECD -
0:14:18 > 0:14:21the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- the international body... - Well remembered.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25..they looked at all the different nations
0:14:25 > 0:14:29and they found that, according to fillings and decay
0:14:29 > 0:14:34and so on, that British children had the best teeth on planet Earth.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Did they just go to one particular school in Nottingham?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER I don't think so.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Yeah, but they said that's cos we've got less fillings.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Maybe it's cos we don't go to the dentist at all.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER Fewer fillings. Fewer fillings.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49No... AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- I'm just being silly. - Stephen, knock, knock.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Yeah, who's there?- To.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- To who?- No, it's "to whom".
0:14:55 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:02- Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che!- Yes.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Alan.- Hello.- Let's bring this to a beautiful, beautiful conclusion.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Cariad has been bitten by a snake. SHE LAUGHS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14What's happening to me? This is not I'm A Celebrity...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER What should you do?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Suck her. - LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:24KLAXON BLARES In every sense, no.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- You can't afford it, love. - LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:31APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Even when you've been bitten by a cobra,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- you're going to haggle prices. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You'd soon drop your prices once you've tried it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER Oh, dear. All right.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- You tourniquet it. You...- No.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49KLAXON BLARES
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Nor even a tourniquet.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Guys, I'm dying. You haven't told me. What's happened?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- I've been bitten by a snake. - Stay still.- The spider's coming.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01If you stay still so it doesn't go round your blood.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Is that in there? - Well, if you're not near a car.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07But drive her to a hospital. LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Where are you taking me? - Take the snake if you can.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yeah, exactly. Or a photograph of it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17No, I didn't say a selfie.
0:16:18 > 0:16:24Is this when...? You know when you HAVE to be awake at ten to five?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Oh, yeah.- No matter what happens, you HAVE to be awake at ten to five.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And miraculously, you are awake at ten to five.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- That's an alarm clock, love. - LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:38No, I have that too. I do, definitely. It's extraordinary.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- So, is that the same kind of...? - Works very well.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42At school, if we were going on a, you know, little dawn raid
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- or something like that, you know, they'd say...- Sorry?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Do a raid on the kitchens and steal jelly and things.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I forgot you grew up in an Enid Blyton novel.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:00To get your catapult back from the teacher?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05You would do this onto the pillow.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You'd go, "One, two, three, four," like that,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09and you'd wake up at four in the morning.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10- It always seemed to work.- No!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- I can't remember a time when it didn't work.- That is bullshit.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15OK. LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- I totally agree, Sarah. - HE CHUCKLES
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It may be a false memory I've got, but it's a very clear one.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23If it's so true,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- I want you to give us your phone and alarm clock...- Mm-hm.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29..and never use it again to wake yourself up...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- HE CHUCKLES - ..and just use the head hitting.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34It all changes when you get an enlarged prostate.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40APPLAUSE
0:17:43 > 0:17:46And do you still hit it four times on the pillow?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Something that Blyton didn't cover much.- She didn't, did she?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Not lashings of enlarged prostate. - No.- Oh, dear.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And now for a question about metamor...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER What happened?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05What happened while I was reading the...?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I had my back turned to you when I was looking at the blackboard.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What...?- Nothing, sir. - I don't know, sir.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Sir, David showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- LAUGHTER - And then he showed me that, sir.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- APPLAUSE - Not that one.- That is not a penis.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.- I never did that.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22That is nothing like a penis.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- He drew a penis on the world. - LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That's got to be... That's illegal, isn't it?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER Oh, Lord.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'm going to get a glass of water
0:18:36 > 0:18:40and I'll get a teaspoon.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Right.- Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- That just proves it might be vodka. - LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something...- Yeah.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53..because what I'm going to do
0:18:53 > 0:18:55is try and make this teaspoon disappear.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It may not work.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I'm not a good magician.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I'm a great magician.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And so we stir it here and I...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh, don't... Oh, no...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I'm, oh...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yeah, it seems to have worked.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Ooh. - AUDIENCE GASPS
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- APPLAUSE - Wow!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21There you are. Thank you.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- That's rather good, isn't it? - Rather good.- That's good.- That is.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and it's something you can do.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Ooh, it's warm. - It's warm water.- Warm water.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And I'll give you a couple of spoons.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer? - LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:47They might as well be. They're made out of gallium.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49And gallium is a metal...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- A very useful metal. - Let's have a look.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54..but it has the quality that it melts,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- as Alan is showing, in water.- Good Lord.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- That's lasting less time than a biscuit.- Yeah.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- That's it.- Look at that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Now, if you stir it, it'll happen more quickly.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Oh, good Lord, look at that. - Ah, jeez.- That is...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- It really would, wouldn't it? - "Now... Oh."
0:20:18 > 0:20:20But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Yes. Terminator two-spoon.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Hey!
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Scuba diving. When they go caving with scuba diving...- Oh, yeah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33..they take tanks with them
0:20:33 > 0:20:35because you can't get all the way in in one tank.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Scary.- So, you do this incredibly dangerous thing
0:20:38 > 0:20:41where you lug down some tanks and you leave a tank.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- You've got to remember where you've left them.- Exactly.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47If you can't find it on the way back, you'll die.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So, very important that you remember...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- LAUGHTER - "Just once..."
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"You were supposed to remember where the tank was.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- "That was your only job."- "Well, what's the worst that could happen?"
0:20:56 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER "Cooee! I moved it. Guess where."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"Hilarious. I'm moving his tank. This'll be funny. Watch this."
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"I tell you what, then he died.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"You should have seen the look on his dead face."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:15So, now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, yeah. That bird. He does your tax returns.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:27It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29It's got a brown head and it's on a cow.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I just don't want to know how it got the brown head.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- I don't want to think about how it got the brown head.- Oh, stop it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- LAUGHTER - "That's as far as I can go!"
0:21:39 > 0:21:43"All right, that'll do. Now flap your wings."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- "I can't!" - LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:49You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51We have to forget the cow in this instance,
0:21:51 > 0:21:52other than the fact that it's in its name.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56It is a parasitic bird in a sense. A brood parasite.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58As I say, it's parasitic in the way
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- that it occupies a host's birthing place.- A womb.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs exactly, do they, birds?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Oh, I thought it was in the cow. - Oh, no, no, it's the bird.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- It's the bird that's the parasite. - Oh, OK.- It's a brood parasite.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It lays its eggs in someone else's nest.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER Living off the bird.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19That would be such a flaw
0:22:19 > 0:22:23for a parasite to have to wait for the bird to land on you.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Just running around getting underneath birds.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Yeah, it's a brood parasite.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- It lays its egg like that, as does, more famously, our...- Cuckoo.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Cuckoo.- Cuckoo, yes. Cuckoo's the great British brood parasite.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it?- No.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39I did say, "Forget the cow,"
0:22:39 > 0:22:41but I knew that wouldn't be a helpful remark.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It's a question of why the birds put up with it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Why does the one that lays the blue eggs, in this instance,
0:22:48 > 0:22:49allow that to happen?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Why didn't they just get rid of the egg?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The answer is it does...once.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57If it tries it, the bird that's laid that egg will come back
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it.- Wow.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And the mother bird learns this
0:23:04 > 0:23:08and next time laboriously builds a new nest,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10laboriously lays her own eggs.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Next time a brown-headed cowbird comes along to lay their egg,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16they go, "You can have it. Honestly, I'll look after it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"No problem." It's basically a protection racket.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20They're gangster birds, hence the phrase,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- "Make you an offer you can't refuse."- Oh.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23- But it works.- So, which one...?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The blue eggs is, like, the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Exactly.- ..with his family all these years,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and then the other egg is the guy who comes round going...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- IN ITALIAN AMERICAN ACCENT:- "You gonna look after my egg?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:39IN ITALIAN AMERICAN ACCENT: "You'll find a job for my boy."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"You see this egg? You know what I'm gonna do to this egg?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"If you don't look after the other egg..."
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And then he throws it out.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Eventually, cos it's evolution,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51they'll start spraying their own blue egg that brown colour.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it."
0:23:54 > 0:23:56You're right. That's quite likely, isn't it?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- APPLAUSE - That's what I would do.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Good point.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- So, pay attention now. It's time for a magical, money-making moment.- Oh.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Yes. I've got a proper, proper printing press here. It's very...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19It's a rather exciting one, and as you can see,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21it's got all the bells and whistles.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And it's even got a little calibration here. Can you see?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27It's on ten. I'm going to move it up to 20. So, I've got a 20...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30..sized one here. I hope this works.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It takes a long time to fill it with ink,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34so if it doesn't work, I'm not going to do it twice.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Oh, yes. That works. Oh, good. There you are.- Oh, wow.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40There you are. APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, there we go.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Stephen, one of the options is a 100.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- I just want to see what one of them looks like.- OK.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Um... Oh. Oh.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55There we go. And...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Oh. Oh, it's a 50. It should be 100.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Oh, it is 100.- Ah. - There you are. 100.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Now, how many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12How many did he sell while he was alive?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Don't say none.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- TURNTABLE BUZZER - None! I'm going to say none.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19KLAXON BLARES
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- D'oh!- D'oh!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Really, I'm afraid...
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- One.- A few, maybe?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27KLAXON BLARES
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"A few."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Hundreds?!- Yeah, when he was 15, he used to work in an art gallery.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Oh, shut up! - LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:41It's true. I just asked you how many paintings...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I'd like a recount on those two.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It was a horribly mean question,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50but the fact is he did sell hundreds.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53They just weren't his own. BILL GROANS
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, the chairman of the Pedantic Association.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"It's actually the Society of Pedantics,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- "but I'll let that go." - Yes, exactly. In fact.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I've never had, in 14 years,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12people eating sweets in the front row.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- What the hell?- And I can't think about anything else except...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Well done.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Thanks.- You can have them back at the end of the lesson.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33LOUD RUSTLING
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I feel really bad for those people cos obviously,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38you're just sat there watching an episode of QI
0:26:38 > 0:26:40and then, suddenly, the telly gets up...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- ..and nicks your sweets. - It should happen more often!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"I didn't press the red button. What's going on?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Now, describe the plot of, or sing a song from,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59the popular musical The Bathrooms Are Coming.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# The bathrooms are coming
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Thank God, I need a shit. #
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- LAUGHTER - How about...?
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Bill, can you do me Cisterns Are Doing It For Themselves?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, there we go.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- APPLAUSE - No, I can't.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# Kill them, kill them
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# The bathrooms are coming for your lives
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# They're coming for your souls
0:27:36 > 0:27:40# I've had it installed now
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# But there's nothing to pay till September... #
0:27:43 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# I am on a HP high
0:27:52 > 0:27:56# And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Water may be very hot.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05# Don't let the grout go mouldy on me. #
0:28:05 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Do country and western.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15If you're going to do country and western, it's got to be...
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# Fixed shower head driving me wild... #
0:28:19 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Can't find my crevices
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# No matter how hard I try
0:28:27 > 0:28:31- # Then I put my leg up... # - No, don't.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35- # Pull my junk to the side... # - LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:38HE PLAYS A BROKEN CHORD
0:28:38 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE