0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus.- Yeah.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43The ass muscles there. This a true thing, right?
0:00:43 > 0:00:49It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- LAUGHTER - That is true.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56That is absolutely, 100% true and I've tried it and...
0:00:58 > 0:00:59And...the beautiful thing...
0:00:59 > 0:01:03- You mean put it in the crack, in the cleavage?- As much as you want.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Yeah, if you put the egg between the buttocks and it doesn't matter
0:01:10 > 0:01:13how hard you squeeze, impossible to crack the egg.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Now, here's the thing, I know that to be true.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18There might be people watching this who question that,
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- and I'd like to think all over the country...- People are now.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Introducing eggs into the area...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27"Is Noble lying or not?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I mean, if you got somebody laying there, you put an egg there,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32if somebody else is there to go like that...
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- But then that's not the muscle doing it.- Ah, OK, yeah.- That's the point.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- You can't...- It's the muscle. Can you by a twitch, pulling in?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Exactly.- I'm doing it now.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45The problem would be...
0:01:45 > 0:01:49"Oh! That Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone."
0:01:49 > 0:01:51That's probably melting rather than...
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I think the worry is that you do it, the egg could go right up.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Is that a worry? - You see, that's interesting.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Now, what mania was started by a few myopic Merseysiders?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- BUZZER - But weirdly...
0:02:12 > 0:02:16No, keep going... Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- I was just going to say... - BUZZER
0:02:22 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:27There's some support for it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I find the buzzers really disconcerting.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It does feel like somebody's about to get murdered.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- BUZZER:- 'Oh, go to bed.' - LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- There's a childish ghost cries. BUZZER:- 'Mice!'
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Myopic Merseysiders. Myopic's short-sighted, is it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Yes, short-sighted. - Partially sighted.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50So what M could help you with partial sightedness?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- My glasses? - LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yes.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Any particular type of ophthalmic instrument that would help the...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Monocle.- Monocle is the right answer.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04There we go. Very good.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I only knew that cos there happens to be a monocle next to me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It was a bit of a giveaway. There you are. Pop them in.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It was a fashion thing that seemed to sweep Liverpool...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I can't imagine it taking off again, to be honest.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25You do look very...
0:03:25 > 0:03:29"George, me old pal."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Jimmy, you have never looked more like a ventriloquist's doll.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:44THEY MOUTH WORDLESSLY
0:03:47 > 0:03:50He really did look like Lord Charles there.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52HE LAUGHS
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I now feel slightly haunted.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00The word meteorology comes from the Greek for things high up
0:04:00 > 0:04:03and in terms of high up, they used to use frogs
0:04:03 > 0:04:05for telling weather forecasts.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08They built them little ladders and put them in a jar.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11They thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16You are getting an idea here. LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Did frogs even know what ladders were?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- I don't think they had to know what they are.- Did they just...?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Instinct to climb. - It could've been anything,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- it didn't have to be ladders? - It didn't have to be.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"Where's the frog?" "It's halfway up."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"Well, which way is he looking?" "He's looking down."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Just say scattered showers. Scattered showers."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- I think you're right. - "Sunny spells, sunny spells.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45"Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half of the sun."
0:04:45 > 0:04:49What if it was foggy. "He's got an escalator, it's foggy."
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Maybe he's just trying to get out the top. He's trying to escape.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56One day, the ladder is right up to the top
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and the frog has fucked off. Then what's going to happen?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04He's left a note, "I have no idea what the weather is going to be.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"I'm out of here."
0:05:09 > 0:05:10There we have it.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- I'll tell you an interesting thing about Queen Victoria.- Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17When she died,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21towards the end of her life... LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Go on.- I feel guilty about telling you.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26She won't find out.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28She was wider than she was tall.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Really?- So?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:37APPLAUSE
0:05:37 > 0:05:39No, tell us more about old...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42She was 59 inches tall
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and she was 66 inches wide.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Wow.- Bless her.- Really?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- But wide or...? - Well, in circumference.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Yeah, I was going to say. - Sorry, not wide.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Couldn't have possibly been...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER No, sorry.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No, circumference. Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- I don't mean width.- Here she comes!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00All the way round was 66 inches.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- "We're going to have to knock through."- Yeah.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Can't get through any of the doors.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09And that's how the Victoria line starts...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- LAUGHTER - She needs a pew of her own.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21This is her bust size I'm talking about. 66.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- 66 bust?- Wow.- Yeah. - Crikey.- Good lord.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- She was very short. - Ooh, yeah, some loving there.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Alaska's state motto is "North to the Future".
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Don't know what that means, but it's... There it is.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38They all have mottos, these states,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41and my favourite one is Kentucky.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Kentucky's known, really, for two things. It's called...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Fried chicken. - Well, yeah, apart from that.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48It's called the Bluegrass State,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52but it's bourbon and the Kentucky Derby, the race.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56And somebody came up with a two-word phrase for Kentucky
0:06:56 > 0:06:58which encapsulates both those things,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59which I think is rather brilliant.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Pissed horses.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER That would do it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06No, it's Unbridled Spirit.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Ah!- Isn't that clever?- Very good. - Genuinely clever.- Yeah.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11No, that's great.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14That absolutely shits on North to the Future.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It does, doesn't it? It's got to be said.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Because if there's one place you do not want to head north from,
0:07:20 > 0:07:21it's Alaska
0:07:21 > 0:07:24cos there's fuck all of the world there.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You want to go south.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- You want to see stuff... - South to the Future.- Yeah.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31North to the Future, maybe you'd say from Argentina.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Yes.- Alaska, South...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37North in Denial of the Rest of Humanity.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Head into the Snow and Die. - North to the Massive Tundra.- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Wishful thinking, exactly.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45But, in terms of anagrams... This isn't an anagram,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47it's actually a limerick composed by someone,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- which I invite you to recite to me. - Oh.- Oh.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52See if you can.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Eh?- Yes.- Oh. - That's a shock, isn't it?- Yes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- And you can do it.- Can you? - Yes, you can.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- It is a limerick.- OK. OK.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04You have to ask yourself what these numbers are, in fact.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- They have some other... - A dozen and 12 dozen...- Ah!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09But 144 is also called a...?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11A gross.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So, a dozen, a gross, a score
0:08:14 > 0:08:17plus three times the square root of four.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20SUSAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY Divided by seven.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You're all right. You're doing well. That's five...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Calm down. Do I have to slap you? - Yes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:35The episode of QI where Stephen just slapped me.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- So, say it again as a limerick. You can do it now.- Yes, yes.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Go on.- Go on, then, Susan. - SUSAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- A dozen...- A dozen... - A dozen, a gross...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44A dozen, a gross and a score...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- ALL:- Plus three times the square root of four.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Divided by seven plus five times 11 equals nine squared...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Plus not a bit more.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- There you are.- Yeah!- Well done.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Now, who would like to see some milky magic?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Cos I want to show you...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Stranger danger!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I wish I hadn't put it like that.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21If a man says this to you in a park, say no.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- IN A MENACING VOICE:- Would you like to see my milky magic?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28You know what I meant.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Would you like to see my milky magic?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33OK. I've got some... Mm, yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Mm, lovely milky things.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Stop saying it!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, now, because... Here we are.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Now, this is just a thing about milk -
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- there's never enough, you always want more.- Yeah.- But...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- Bear with me.- Milky magic!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Here we have...here we have some milk.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Now, what I'd like you to do
0:09:56 > 0:09:58is just transfer it along the way
0:09:58 > 0:10:01from smaller to larger glasses,
0:10:01 > 0:10:02as you can see.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And, well, this'll fill it about halfway up, maybe.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Just checking the size, really. Let's just see how much...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Oh, well, that fills it up completely.- Oh, that's weird.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's all right, that's good,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15because we've got more than we started out with.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- and that's got to be a thing... - Fast forward.- ..with milk.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- We've got...- No!- What?!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- There we are.- Oh, that's weird. - Got to have that, haven't you?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- No!- That makes sense.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And then see if we can get even more,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29because what we're doing is earning ourselves lots and lots of milk...
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Wow!- Oh, man. - ..which has good to be good, surely.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- There we are. - Can you do this with wine?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Here we are.- Oh, no! You're Jesus! - We've got even more.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER That's it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE There. Do you like that?
0:10:49 > 0:10:54After World War II, in America they used surplus parachutes
0:10:54 > 0:10:57to help repopulate beavers into the wild.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59The idea was that they'd shove them in a box.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02They first thought, "We'll shove them in a box, they'll fall,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"and they'll gnaw their way out of the box."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This doesn't sound like sexy times to me.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- LAUGHTER - "Shove them in a box."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11They worried they'd eat through the box while they were still in the air.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Then they chucked them out of a plane?- Yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- To repopulate...?- Yeah. Huge areas of wilderness.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- It's incredibly hard to get them out...- Yes, makes total sense.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21..give them their own territory.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Couldn't they have driven them there, Stephen?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26No, they... Wilderness, huge areas of wilderness.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29They're bigger than countries, they're bigger than England...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- What, beavers?!- No, the parks. LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Bring me some massive beavers."
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- In the parks in which you wish to drop them.- OK.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38And you want to sort of get them disposed evenly around.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Why have they been dying out? - Oh, gosh...
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- People have been throwing them out of planes.- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"If you don't fall out, you can gnaw your way out of your crate."
0:11:46 > 0:11:47You go, "Oh, thanks a lot.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50"Well, this is the middle of f...cking nowhere.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"I've got to go all the way back to Ottawa."
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Until another beaver lands on your head at high velocity.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01They had tried moving them into new territories for them by mule,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and they just simply got too hot, and they really didn't like it at all.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- They put a beaver on horseback, essentially?- Yeah.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10They've got to transport it somehow. How would you transport...?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I don't understand why the beavers...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- I don't understand any of this. - LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:19So they thought, "OK, there's no way we can drop them into a park
0:12:19 > 0:12:20"other than from the sky..."
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Or by mule, which you found also incomprehensible.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Is there a man with - or a lady - with a beaver on horseback,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- or is it just a beaver on horseback?- Well, no.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER Of course there's a person.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I'm confused!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37So, is it one beaver per mule?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Because, then, we're repopulating the place with mules
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- as far as I can work out. - LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:46The beavers didn't want to stay.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The mules have forced the beavers further along.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52They're relying on the mule to find its way back.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56More complicated than you think, this beaver transportation.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Yeah, it is.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Well, that was harder work than I expected.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Erm... LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:04But, on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07do you remember who her husband was, by any chance?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Darnley, his name was, her husband.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13He was murdered. He was actually blown up.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15This is a very extraordinary story.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17One of the presumed architects of the explosion
0:13:17 > 0:13:19was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -
0:13:19 > 0:13:21a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23ALAN GIGGLES
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Where's your shoes, Archibald?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- "Oh!" - LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You've always got to take your shoes off before a dynamite -
0:13:31 > 0:13:32that's what I say.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.- Mm-hm.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42"She sent for a number of light ladies and women
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"to come to Holyroodhouse
0:13:44 > 0:13:48"and participate stark naked in a ball.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52"Then they had cut off their pubic hair
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"and had put it in puddings
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"to be eaten by the male guests,
0:13:57 > 0:13:58"who were sick."
0:13:58 > 0:14:00LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Was she just trying to...
0:14:03 > 0:14:06you know, like, trying to get back to normal life?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"First, let's just carry on as we were."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Get your pubes and put them in that pie."
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"It's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Actually , I think this might be quite clever.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- "Aw, what happened to your husband?" But, now, no.- Yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- "Why did you have that pube party?" - LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- "What? Why was it in...?" - It's all the detail we have.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"Two things, Mary - number one, condolences, number two..."
0:14:36 > 0:14:37It's all the detail we have, sadly.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40But the actual person who took the rap for the murder,
0:14:40 > 0:14:41he was hanged, drawn and quartered
0:14:41 > 0:14:44on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45which seems a bit unfair.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- His name was William Blackadder.- Oh!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50AS GENERAL MELCHETT: Meh!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's true. LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:55APPLAUSE Oh, stop it. Don't.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Now, show me the symptoms of bicycle face.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Bicycle face?- Mm-hm.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07That's with goggles.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09No, these are wheels.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, I see! Sorry. Of course they're wheels.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14What is bicycle face? When you get sucked off by your grifter?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Wow!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Wow!- I better go.- Yes. No.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24That's the right answer. That's what I've got written on the card.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25That's amazing.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29On my card, in this universe, on the other hand,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30I've got something else.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36The Literary Digest in 1895 warned women cyclists...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Don't know why I'm looking at you. - I'm a woman. That's OK.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40You've identified me as a woman.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It's going to get worse, I'm afraid, this thing is.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"Overexertion, the upright position on the wheel
0:15:45 > 0:15:48"and the unconscious effort to maintain one's balance
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"produces a wearied and exhausted bicycle face."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- "No-one will marry you!"- Yes! LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:58"The main symptoms are a hard, clenched jaw and bulging eyes..."
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Wasn't sure where you were going to stop at
0:15:59 > 0:16:01after "hard, clenched" there.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"..as well as being flushed or pale."
0:16:03 > 0:16:04- Either of those.- Right.- Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07And, "Wearing a haggard, anxious expression."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10That's just the fear of patriarchy - that's what that is.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"I'm under so much pressure."
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Some doctors said that,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"Cycling would irritate the pelvic organs
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"and stimulate women to disturbing lusts."
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:24If you can't get it at home, you get it on a bike, right, ladies?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Get your stimulated pelvic organs, right?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Well, there's a downside, according to a French expert...- Of course.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32..who said, "It would ruin the female organs
0:16:32 > 0:16:34"of matrimonial necessity."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs of matrimonial necessity...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Excuse me? What are you asking me? - I'm just hoping that...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Hello, Wembley, we're the Female Organs of Natural Necessity."
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- It's funny, cos the clitoris... - STEPHEN GASPS
0:16:49 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- I'm just going to draw a picture. - La-la-la-la...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57She said it! She said it! She said it!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59SHE IMITATES ALARM
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I've drawn a rainbow, everyone - it's all right.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Where's Sue Perkins when you need her?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08The clitoris is actually a very large organ...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Shush, Cariad!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13..and...it's just literally the tip of an iceberg.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15When you say, "LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg"...?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I knew I was looking for it in the wrong place.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- There was an artist in New York... - In the Arctic Ocean.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yeah, an artist in New York?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27..and she made, like, this, obviously not to scale, clitoris,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29and she got women to ride on it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31But it literally...it's huge.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32It's like there's this bit
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and then there's these two other huge bits that are in the body...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- I was looking behind you.- Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- LAUGHTER - Behind me just here.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Wow.- It's way bigger.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44But you have two, don't you? It's one under each arm?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER Have I...have I got this wrong?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Alan, help me out.- It's OK. I didn't bring mine with me today.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So to say it damages the marital organs, is, again...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So, how much more of it is there, then, going...?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh, my God. Guys, do we have to, like...?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Is this the bit where I tell you about...explain it to you?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02A woman, at some point in your life,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04should've explained this to you, but perhaps...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I've never seen such fear in all your faces!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:12APPLAUSE
0:18:12 > 0:18:15A man called Miura, who's an aeronautical designer,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18was doing solar panel foldings
0:18:18 > 0:18:20and he came up with this way of doing it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And you...all you have to do is that, and it folds.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You just push the corners together.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- And it doesn't matter what... - I bet...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32What's more, it doesn't get, it doesn't get... Sorry?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It wouldn't work if you gave it to me.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Stephen, did you...? - Well, I'll give you one.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER You've got one there.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And you just take the top right and bottom left corners
0:18:45 > 0:18:46or any other way.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Is that, that way?- It's so folded, it just does it by itself.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Take the corners and push them together.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53JEREMY GASPS That's it! Jeremy, you did it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived.- Isn't he?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I know. It's fantastic.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Who is he?- He's called Miura. He's a...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:11God.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Koryo Miura, his name is, and they are very handy.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I would've been so fucking pleased
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- if I'd invented that. - LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Well, there are other things you can do with folding.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I've got some tissues here, and...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Oh, what are we doing now? - Oh, origami.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'm going to give you each a tissue, right?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- So, I'll pass...- OK.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There we are. Pass down. Oops.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- What are we doing with the tissue? - What are we doing?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- I'll have one here. - OK. So, what are we up to?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What you're trying to do is scrunch it up...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Oh, yeah. OK. - ..like this in your hands.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You scrunch it up.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- And then... - You stick it right up your bum.- No.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER You don't...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You try and think of an animal. Then think of an animal.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I'm thinking of a swan or something.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- I've really scrunched mine up. - Think of a swan.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You see? Like that. Can you see my swan?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Do I have to think of a swan? - There you are.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11APPLAUSE
0:20:14 > 0:20:16And we've heard the marsh warbler.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21A monotonous lark.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark."
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:27We're going on narrow boat holiday in Norfolk.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Hey!- THAT is a monotonous lark.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I went on one of those.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"Oh, that'll be fun."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"Yeah, let's go on a narrow boat holiday,"
0:20:37 > 0:20:39and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Cut to a couple of hours later, everyone downstairs drinking wine.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Me, upstairs...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47HE IMITATES ENGINE
0:20:47 > 0:20:50..for three days! Three days!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- There... - HE IMITATES ENGINE
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Oh, golly. - "Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"
0:20:55 > 0:20:56"No, no, I'm fine. I'm here, I'll be fine."
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- HE IMITATES ENGINE - Worst weekend of my life.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It begins with M, this particular life form.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- It got rid of all the oxygen...- Mouse.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Sorry?- Mouse.- It wasn't a mouse.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You've got the right consonants.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Consonants. All right.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14M...m...m...m...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16M and a S. M and a S.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It's wonderful how he's coming on, isn't it?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- It's moss.- Moss!- Moss.- Moss!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Moss is the answer.- Oh, how boring. - Yeah, hard to believe. Moss.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- It was like a phage. It ate away at rocks...- Right.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Hey, look, Cariad - there's an iceberg like your clitoris.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- LAUGHTER - You're learning!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I mean this, Alan, you can get more...
0:21:40 > 0:21:41If you've just joined the show...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I can usually predict almost everything
0:21:43 > 0:21:46that's going to be said on this show, but,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"There's an iceberg like your clitoris," is a new one.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51That's exactly what I was talking about.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Don't just work with what you see.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Now you've got to work with more, underneath it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- There's not moss on it, is there? - Yes, mate. Keep the moss on.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What's wrong with you? Don't want to look like a child.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Wear your moss and be proud, ladies. - You're right.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Interestingly, you only get moss on the north side of a lady.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- That seems fair.- Oh, Lord.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Depends how long she's been at the bus stop.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I went on a bus once.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:26End of anecdote.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It wasn't a bus, it was a coach,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and it had a lavatory in the middle of it.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35You know, you go down some stairs into the bowels of the thing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And the driver was a very, very, very large man
0:22:37 > 0:22:40who could barely get behind the enormous wheel.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41And he pulled the bus over,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and he prised himself out from behind the wheel
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and went down the aisle - a bit of a squeeze -
0:22:47 > 0:22:51went down the...stairs,
0:22:51 > 0:22:52disappeared into this cupboard.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- And we all waited. - LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Then when he came up, he said,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"No-one can use the toilet. It's full."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Charming!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09And then he got behind the wheel and drove off.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Where are most missionaries positioned?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19GREGORIAN CHANTING Matt?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I'm going to guess that most of them are in Utah,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26where the Mormons tend to kind of congregate,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30because they haven't yet been assigned their places to go to.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Interesting, interesting answer,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34but I'm talking about which is the country
0:23:34 > 0:23:35that receives the most incoming...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Well, I'm not talking about that.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No, no. LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I'm talking about them before they've gone.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46So, I'm not asking where the most missionaries come from, I'm asking...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50I know, but I am still getting to that point.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54This doesn't work by you answering the question that I haven't asked.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55OK.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- My guess is China.- Yeah, it's a possibility. Well, it's not...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It is a possibility, but it's not a fact.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Is it in Africa?- It's not Africa, no.- Is it England?- No.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06England's a much, much closer... KLAXON BLARES
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- South America?- Not South America. Not SOUTH America.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Central!- North America?- North! - North America!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- America. United States.- Really?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Well, I think you'll find Utah is in America.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:20APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- ALL:- Ooh!- Yeah, impressive.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Ooh! Look.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It looks like a happy face that's taken a lot of drugs.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- It does a bit, doesn't it?- Yeah.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35But what is it, Stephen?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Well, I just want to know who first wrote the theorem
0:24:38 > 0:24:40that this model demonstrates?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Pythagoras.- Pythagoras.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44KLAXON BLARES Oh!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50My grandfather, who was from Hungary,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52always pronounced it Peeta-goras. LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55IN HUNGARIAN ACCENT: "At school, doing the mathematics,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"are you studying Peeta-goras?" LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And I thought this man, Peter Goras. Who is Peter?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- No, it wasn't Peter Goras who first proved it.- Ah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07What is it, the theorem that needs to be discussed here?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09A squared equals B squared plus C squared.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Yeah. It's the... - The sum of the two...the squared...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The sum of the two squares is equal to the sum on the hypotenuse.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- You can see that.- That big one should go into the other two.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21So, you can see here, the yellow, that's the triangle.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22These are its two sides.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24And these are the squares of the two sides.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27They are literally geometrically expressed as squares
0:25:27 > 0:25:31rather than just mathematically as if that was, say, X,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35it's just not X squared, but it's literally the square there.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Then there's Y squared
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and it's supposedly equal to Z squared,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41which is the longest side, the hypotenuse.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Cos here's the right angle. Here.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46These are not right angles, obviously.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48And...there's that...
0:25:48 > 0:25:49How can we show they're equal?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Well, there are all kinds of ways, but here's one way.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Drumroll, please.- Oh, yes.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57THEY TAP ON DESKS All right, let's go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- ALL:- Ooh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Oh, that's very clever.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05There it goes. Pouring into the first square.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Wow.- Expensive. - Is it going to fill it up?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- Oh! Well, it definitely equals X squared.- Yes!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Does it equal Y squared as well?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I need to go to the toilet.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20There's a Y squared. It's filling up.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's filling up, it's filling up. It's full. And there it is.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26APPLAUSE There it is.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Isn't that satisfactory?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Highly satisfactory.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- There we are. - Me, me, me, me. Pick me.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Yeah, go on. Take a couple.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We've got some leftover, of course.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43- Wow.- There you go.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Johnny?- Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I've got chocolate. I don't really like chocolate.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I've got raisin. I don't like raisin.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Do you want to swap?- Yes. No, I'd like vanilla, please.- Oh.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Just swap. - You can have another flavour.- Yes!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- I've got strawberry. - That'll do me.- All right.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Oh, you've already had a bit!- Yes!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:07How else would I know I didn't like it?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Don't do that!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- People who sniff... - Don't take a lump out.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You must have very warm hands cos this is already melted.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I'm having a hot flush!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - It's one of my superpowers!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Mine's turned into a slushy!- Yes!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You're going to a dinner party
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and they've forgotten to get the ice cream out of the freezer -
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- I just hold it against my neck... - LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34and it's spoon-soft in seconds.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- While there's barely any... - THEY BOTH SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Right...- I don't want to do this in front of Stephen...- No.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45..but the next time, we're having ice cream. Just...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Don't have her on my team.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- No, this is delicious. Thank you very much.- Good.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57This is what I think life would be like in a nursing home.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE Anyway...
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- What flavour have you got?!- Bingo!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- So what was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?- I like peas!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10- I've got a fly in mine. - What was the biggest nuisance
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- in the Victorian theatre? - I've got to tell this.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?- I've got to...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Please...
0:28:20 > 0:28:24HE SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre?!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27LAUGHTER
0:28:27 > 0:28:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Yes? Any thoughts?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Ice cream?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE