0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Goooooood evening!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and welcome to QI,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where tonight we're on parade for all things military.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Here to do battle are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:57The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03And the ambulance-driving Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And now their buzzers are suitably belligerent.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Jimmy goes...
0:01:12 > 0:01:16MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Sheila goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:25MUSIC: Theme from 633 Squadron
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Jeremy goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner
0:01:34 > 0:01:35And Alan goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:38March! March! March! March!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40March! March! March!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Nice!
0:01:42 > 0:01:47What was unusual about Britain's war with Finland in 1941?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Jeremy?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, not a shot was fired.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Oooh...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56No, it was the only time, I think,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59that two democracies have ever gone to war with one another.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02KLAXON
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- That's a hell of an alarm.- Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Does it know what we're thinking? - Yes, definitely.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09How did you know that?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Welcome to my world!
0:02:12 > 0:02:1611 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson, you said, on this very programme...
0:02:16 > 0:02:17That that was true!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War was the only one
0:02:20 > 0:02:22fought between two democracies.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Yeah. Well, have we declared war since the show started on France?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, there had been others before.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31A viewer named Otto Lowe has written to us...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Otto? He'd know! - ..to point out that we were wrong.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36So we're retro-actively taking points from you today.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41You had a slightly bad start to the year, but now it's got terrible!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- I'm really sorry. - It is 11 years ago I mentioned it!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War of 1780 to 1784.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- The Football War of 1969... - What was that?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55..between El Salvador and Honduras.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Football War?- The Football War.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Had Honduras kicked a football into their...?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It only lasted ten hours, it must be said.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Was there a half time?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, I'll go back to my original answer, then,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11which was not a shot was fired.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm afraid that's not true, either.
0:03:13 > 0:03:1513 people were killed in the Anglo-Finnish War.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20The British attacked a port called Petsamo on 30th July, 1941.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I still think it's the only proper war fought between two democracies.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If you'd gone home after the programme and looked it up,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34then you'd have known.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I did look it up before I mentioned it 11 years ago!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate since then. But, erm...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:48The fact is, despite its reputation, the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941
0:03:48 > 0:03:51is not the only time two democracies have fought each other.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Now, if I can be serious for a moment.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55More than 100 million people were killed
0:03:55 > 0:03:57in wars during the 20th century
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and the total number of people ever killed by wars
0:04:00 > 0:04:02could be as many as one billion.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Einstein described war as "a cloak that covers acts of murder."
0:04:07 > 0:04:12And Antoine de Saint-Exupery called it "a disease, like typhus."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15With all that in mind, here is my question to you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Thank God for that! I thought I was on the wrong show for a minute.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It all got very serious.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm sure you'd agree with my description of war, Sheila?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I would, absolutely.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32this is a difficult show for me to be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35So I'm not an ideal person on the thing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Were you born a Quaker?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker by convincement," as they call it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Is that what it's called?- Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Because my family, the Fry family were very early Quakers.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Of course they were, yeah. - It's a very admirable thing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- And the pacifism is taken very seriously, isn't it?- Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Well, it's a lovely thing until Hitler comes along
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and then it's not much use.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58Well, if we'd have done something about it before Hitler came along,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- then maybe we would have... - Shaved his moustache off!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And I think the reason he had that moustache
0:05:02 > 0:05:05is he was probably a fan of Oliver Hardy.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Ah, well, it's certainly true that they were popular in the '20s
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and increasingly in the '30s among...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Well, Charlie Chaplin, of course, is best known.- Exactly.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18But, supposedly, Hitler changed from
0:05:18 > 0:05:21what was a relatively bushy moustache...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You may have seen a famous photograph of him as a gefreiter,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26a corporal in the First World War - there he is on the left.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29But there are a couple of stories. No-one's quite sure which is true.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33There was a fellow who served with him, Alexander Moritz Frey,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35great uncle Alexander,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39he was in the same regiment in the First World War as Hitler
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and he said that Hitler trimmed it into the familiar toothbrush
0:05:42 > 0:05:45in order to fit into the gas mask properly.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Frey's account is controversial, apparently.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50He went on to become a satirist and fantasy novelist,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52starting a family tradition.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And so...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57But here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59but he did kill Hitler.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:05APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:09That's... I can't take that away from you, Jimmy.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Credit when credit is due. - That's true.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Some historians believe that Hitler only adopted the 'tache in 1919.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And his sister-in-law, who lived in Liverpool...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What, she had one as well?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24She may have done. Do you know what her name was?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Muriel.- Almost, as it were.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Scouse Adolf.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Bridget Hitler.- Bridget Hitler...?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, that was her name. Bridget Hitler.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Bridget Hitler?!- Is that true?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Yes. She was married to Alois Junior, who was Hitler's half brother.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And they had a son, William Patrick Hitler.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Billy Hitler!
0:06:42 > 0:06:43William Patrick Hitler went to America
0:06:43 > 0:06:46and won a Purple Heart in the Navy.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Changed his name, I presume.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Eventually, to Stuart-Houston, I think.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54And he claimed he wanted to forget anything to do with his uncle,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58but he named his first son Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Are there still, in the American phone book...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I know there's a weird fact,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05it's quite interesting, might work on this show,
0:07:05 > 0:07:09where there's still, I think, nine people called Adolf Hitler...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Really?- ..that were obviously born before he came to...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, watch it, because in 11 years they're going to ask you a question.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Oh, Jesus!- You'll be, "Arrgh!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You're simmering about that, aren't you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'm not a sore loser, but...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Yeah.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs said that he came to visit Liverpool
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and that she told him that he should trim the ends of his moustache
0:07:31 > 0:07:32to make it less bushy.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35But as she put it, "As in most things, he went too far."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39That's put him in his place.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Hey, take it easy, Bridget.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Yeah, I know!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yeah, and speaking of things going a little bit too far,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46here's a question on mutinies.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Everybody remembers the mutiny on the Bounty,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50but give me the name and rank
0:07:50 > 0:07:53of the man who was overthrown and cast adrift in an open boat?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Christian.- Fletcher Christian. Wasn't he the one that...?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59KLAXON
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Is this just the BBC still getting at me?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You were about to correct Sheila, weren't you?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I was about to say, no, Fletcher Christian was the one who...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15The mutineer.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18..did the mutinying, but Captain...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Was he a captain or was he called Bligh?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23KLAXON
0:08:23 > 0:08:26He was called Bligh. He was called William Bligh.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But he was a lieutenant commander.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I thought it was Marlon Brando.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32KLAXON
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oops, what happened there?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant on the Bounty
0:08:36 > 0:08:41and there was a mutiny and they cast him adrift in an open boat.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And they gave him just a sextant and a pocket watch
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and, miraculously, he made it all the way to Timor.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48It was a remarkable feat.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50But Bligh seems to have had problems commanding people,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52because he was made governor of New South Wales
0:08:52 > 0:08:55quite a few years after the mutiny and they mutinied.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57There was a military putsch to kick him out.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- He obviously had the knack. - He had a bit of a knack.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- So this guy had a knack of upsetting people he worked with.- Yeah.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05All right...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Which of these was originally used for military purposes?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- The bumper car. - Not the bumper car, in fact.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- The Ferris wheel. - Not the Ferris wheel.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- The merry-go-round.- That thing that goes round, for sea sickness.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, there we are, we've all gone for something different.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27That's rather pleasing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29And the only one that's correct is the merry-go-round.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Which was originally used for that purpose of war training.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37You would sit on the horse and a servant would have a ring
0:09:37 > 0:09:39and you'd have a lance and you would go round and round
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and you'd try and get your lance through the ring
0:09:42 > 0:09:44to practise your accuracy.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I mean, that's surely bullshit. No?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:50No. A merry-go-round was invented to...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- That can't be right.- A carousel, it was called a carosello and...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55So the original was sort of like a tennis ball machine.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Yeah, kind of, yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Call Of Duty is better, isn't it, really.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But while we're on the subject of fairgrounds,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05there had been a particular problem in the Boer War,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07where they'd noticed that the British were not very good
0:10:07 > 0:10:09at aiming and firing rifles.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11So they passed special laws.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- One of the basics, really, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14They passed special laws
0:10:14 > 0:10:17that allowed fairgrounds to have rifle ranges,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19so you could fire rifles, live ammunition.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Sorry, there's live ammunition in the fairground?- Yes.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Have you never gone to one of those? - But it's always like a little cap.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26- Tin pellet.- Yeah, a pellet.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I mean, mostly, you get the pellets, but what is allowed, in law,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32even to this day, is live actual ammunition, proper ammunition.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- In a fairground?- Yeah.- Really? Gosh.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Wow...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Really?- Yeah, really.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38What, a 7.62 mm...
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Up to .23.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- It is frowned upon if you bring your own gun.- I was going to say.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I just I want to make it absolutely clear for Jeremy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48If I turned up with my AK, I'd get all those balloons.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51But a .22 would work. So you could have that.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55It would be quite good to turn up at a fairground with an AK-47
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and go, "I think I'll be taking that bear home."
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Someone needs a cuddle.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Have you ever fired an AK-47?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Er, not in anger, Jeremy.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08No, somebody put it onto automatic
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and quite literally stood me in front of a barn door
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and I missed it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:16- Is that...?- As we all would.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It just flies around like a mad thing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Of course, the man that did that isn't here to tell the story.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Very unfortunate incident.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It never breaks down and it never hits anything.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- And what, it just flies... - It just does that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And then rushes about in your hands. Terribly dangerous.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Well, that explains all of the series of the A-Team.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38So it is actually realistic, the idea that, you know,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40no-one got shot, ever.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Nobody could possibly get shot with an AK,
0:11:42 > 0:11:43not unless you weren't aiming at them.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47If I aimed at you, most of the audience would be history.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, that's you. Not everybody.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I mean, if they knew how to handle it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54No, it's pretty much everybody.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Unless you're a burly Russian shot putt enthusiast,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00then you could probably hold onto it. But I couldn't.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- I fired a machinegun in Vietnam. - Really, did you?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Did you hit anything?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I hit the end of the field.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:08A field's reasonable.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11But they'd got all these old weapons from the American war
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and you go up and you buy bullets.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- "How many bullets do you want?" - Oh, my goodness.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16I think I bought ten bullets.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And they put it in and then you squeeze the trigger
0:12:19 > 0:12:20and they've gone, like that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You think, "Oh, I wish I had more."
0:12:22 > 0:12:25That's the evil of guns, isn't it? It triggers something.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist. Have you got any good gun stories?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:33I'm not allowed!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Oh, dear...!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37It would be so good, though, if you went,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"Yeah, has anyone ever had a go on a bazooka?"
0:12:40 > 0:12:44That's what we were told, that you could bazooka cows and things,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47but I didn't get the chance to do that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48- You're a vegetarian!- We had a...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You see, this is what guns do, isn't it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Vegetarian of the Year.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59The other thing that I learned about was that they used cattle...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Erm...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine I did. That's not true.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:10APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I think you're beginning to blur the lines.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It comes to something when I'm struggling to remember a fact
0:13:16 > 0:13:18and it's something I made up myself.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Anyway, one important skill for a soldier is map reading.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26But why are maps so difficult to fold?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, because now they're on your phone, so you've got to break it.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Well, we've got some ones that aren't on a phone.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35My father was a navigator in rallying and he could...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Oh, was he?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39He could fold one in the passenger seat of a Mini Cooper
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- in the dark at night. - Did he pass that skill on?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- This is torture, you know? - So whenever I go to fold up a map...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Genuinely, this is my idea of hell. - Of hell, yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49It is hell.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That's right, because there are...severe problems.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55So there they are.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I mean, I'll tell you, probably the best idea
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- is not to unfold it in the first place, Stephen.- Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Hey, well done!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07That's impressive!
0:14:07 > 0:14:08That is 12 seconds.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's like anything with maps, my father was a navigator.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And I know what all the symbols mean.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Sheila, we've missed our turn!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Concentrate!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Right, I'll race you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Oh, oh, we'll cheat...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You're sort of doing what I do there, I think.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Oh, Sheila!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35My car is just full of those.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Pyongyang. Pyongyang.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Haven't you got a satnav? - Where would we be without satnav?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Hey...! "Where would we be?"
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Elstree. Probably at those studios, I don't know.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Come on, everyone, make an effort.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:55The fact is, most maps have got nine folds one way and two the other,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59which means that there are 2,048 different ways of folding them.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Two to the power of 11.- Really?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04A man called Miura, who was an aeronautical designer,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07was doing solar panel foldings
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and he came up with this way of doing it...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And all you have to do is that and it folds.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You just push the corners together.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18And it doesn't matter what you...
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- And what's more...- It wouldn't work.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Sorry?- It wouldn't work if you gave it to me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Stephen, could you... - Well, I'll give you one.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You've got one there.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And you just take the top-right and bottom-left corners,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- or any other way.- That way?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It's so folded, it just does it by itself.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Take the corners and push them together.- Oh, my God!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42That's it! Jeremy, you've done it!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived.- Isn't he? I know!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54- It's fantastic.- Who is he?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's called Miura, he's a...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Good God!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Koryo Miura his name is, and they are very handy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I would have been so fucking pleased if I'd invented that.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Well, there are other things you can do with folding.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I've got some tissues here. And if we...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Oh, what are we doing now? - Oh, origami!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You're each... If I can give you each a tissue.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25All right, so I'll pass...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26OK.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29There we are. Pass it down. Oops...!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- What are we doing with the tissue? - And I'll have one here.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33OK, so what are we up to?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- What you're trying to do is scrunch it up...- Oh, yeah, OK.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- ..like this in your hands.- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- And you scrunch it up. And then... - Stick it right up your bum!
0:16:40 > 0:16:41No!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:44You try and think of an animal...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Like, I'm thinking of an animal.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I'm thinking of a sort of swan or something like that.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- I've really scrunched mine up. - I'm thinking of a swan.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Like that, can you see my swan? - Do I have to think of a swan?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55There you are...
0:16:55 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:04 > 0:17:05There we are.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Tiger. I've got tiger.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- I've got absolutely nothing at all. - Oh, well.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I thought of a badger, but it got run over.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Excellent! Well done, all.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Now, what's the worst thing you can find in a Morrison Sandwich?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Well, Morrison was Food Minister during the war.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Ah, you've got straight to it. - Herbert.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- He was in charge of sandwiches, was he?- No. Well...
0:17:30 > 0:17:34He was, in fact, in charge of home defence. And he came up...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Making sure no-one got in and took them.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Home Guard? - Not the Home Guard, exactly,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42But he came up with a home defence idea, which was a type of shelter.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- It was for the more deprived families and they...- Not the Anderson?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- It was indoors.- ..they were given free. It was indoors.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson shelter, which was outside.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Exactly right. - Which I spent my life in.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And a dear friend of mine was in one of those
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- and her house took a direct hit and she survived.- Yes.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00One of the things we wanted to say
0:18:00 > 0:18:02is that it was actually not, as it might seem,
0:18:02 > 0:18:03a rather unsafe contrivance.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- But it actually worked really, really well, it seems.- Yeah, it did.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08But there was one problem. Sometimes, the top bit,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11which was solid metal, and the bottom was solid metal,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13sometimes, the top bit just crashed down
0:18:13 > 0:18:16and the person was caught in what was then called a Morrison sandwich.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Wow!- Oh, gosh! - But it was considered safer.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21And it was also quite loved, unlike the Anderson shelter,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23which was pretty hated, is that right?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Well, I quite liked it, actually.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You used to sit, be outside and you could watch,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30you always had binoculars and you could watch the dog fights going on,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- you know, in the Battle of Britain and...- God!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34And you felt kind of safe down there.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36The only thing was that you were frightened
0:18:36 > 0:18:38that you'd be trapped in the shelter.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I sleep with my hand over my head,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41because there was an escape hatch
0:18:41 > 0:18:43at the back of the Anderson shelter with a spanner
0:18:43 > 0:18:45that you would use to get out.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And I used to sleep like that on my bunk, and I still do.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I sleep with one hand over the head.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You could probably sleep somewhere else now, Sheila.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:57This one on the left...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01This one on the left, it's actually a weight test.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's being tested for how much it can take.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And, as you can see, it's a fair amount of weight.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Anyway, yes, Morrison sandwich...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Morrison's sandwiches, as opposed to Morrison sandwiches,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11which were people caught there.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13There's a Morrison's sandwich, and, of course,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15they're delightful, fresh and charming and I wouldn't want
0:19:15 > 0:19:18to suggest anything about them that was unpleasant.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- You've never had one in your life, have you?- Well, no, but...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I know they exist.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:29So, yes, Morrison sandwiches could be deadly,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32but Morrison's sandwiches are, of course, delicious.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:38What begins with M that you could shoot with one of these?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Those guys are tiny!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:44A mallard.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47A mallard is very good, absolutely. You recognise what that is?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- There's a few punters in.- Yeah...!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And proved that a man can actually fly.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10So don't tell me you weren't on a punt?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13No, I wasn't on a punt and there's a sort of momentum thing goes
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and you get it going and then you just can't stop it.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And I was airborne for 20 minutes.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:22That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You could fire that in Norfolk
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and you would wind up in Stavanger three weeks later
0:20:29 > 0:20:30doing 300 miles an hour.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps,
0:20:33 > 0:20:34if you like waterfowl,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- So you could have... - So is it shot like a shotgun?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I mean, I know you're a vegetablist, which is fine...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:47What I don't understand about these
0:20:47 > 0:20:51is that if you actually hit a duck, it vaporised it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And apart from licking the lake or the grass...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:59..there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00You're pretty much right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Seriously, why do they have such a great, big gun for it?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- Well, it was used in the United States of America, of course...- Ah!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12..in the early part of the 19th century.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13But even the Americans realised
0:21:13 > 0:21:16they were going to deplete their waterways just too much.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19So, by 1860, it was banned. You couldn't use it any more.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- And then they use hand grenades now. - Yes. They do, yeah.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I got picked up, this is another gun story, and I apologise, Sheila,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28but I got picked up by a man once at an airport in Phoenix
0:21:28 > 0:21:32and he was a big noise in the NRA and we had very little in common.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34And he drove along in complete silence
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and he just turned to me after about ten minutes and went,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"What is your personal preference of firearm?"
0:21:39 > 0:21:42As a small talk. That was small talk.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- "I don't really have one, mate." - And you said punt gun.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Punt gun, mate."
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yeah, I should have done.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I tried that earlier with Sheila. We didn't really hit it off.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I almost want to go to a rifle range with you
0:21:54 > 0:21:56to see you with one of these guns.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58You're obviously hopeless at it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:08The punt gun was used to massacre mallards, Muscovy ducks,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11mergansers and other mother-duckers.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13From ducks to Drakes.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15What was the name of the fleet of ships
0:22:15 > 0:22:19that got its arse kicked in 1589 during the Anglo-Spanish War?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21The Spanish Armada.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23KLAXON
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Oh, taking one for the team now. - Well, I knew that would come.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Yeah. That was 1588, the Spanish Armada.- Oh.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Is this the next year? - The next year.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- They came back and had another go? - No, this is what's so interesting.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35This is the English Armada.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38What's interesting is we just don't teach this in schools,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40but it's a far worse defeat on the English.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Was this Cadiz?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44No, Cadiz was singeing the King of Spain's beard, as it was called.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- It was a success.- Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48IN SPANISH ACCENT: Cadiz. Cadiz.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49But if you say Cardiff,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- As I've found out.- Oh, really?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Just say Cardiff and they go, "Oh, si, si. That way."
0:22:57 > 0:22:58You walked to it?!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02But, anyway, it's nothing to do with Cadiz.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Was it the one where we went and did too long?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, what's interesting about this is that the English had a plan.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Having seen off the Spanish Armada,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Drake, filled with confidence,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13thought they would really defeat Philip II of Spain
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and we would really finish the job.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Instead of which, we lost 40 ships and it was an utter disaster.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22But they don't teach it in English schools.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25The Spanish Armada that is taught a lot and we celebrate
0:23:25 > 0:23:27was not really that much of a triumph, to be honest.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30We didn't sink their ships in the great battle.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The fire ships that Drake invented to send into them
0:23:33 > 0:23:35didn't destroy any Spanish shipping.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So it was just not really that great a triumph.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40It was the wind that beat them, not really Drake.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43But where... What... I've forgotten what the question was about 1589?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46What was the name of the fleet of ships that got its arse kicked?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Oh, it's the name of the fleet of ships. I don't know.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- It was the English Armada. - Oh, was it? Yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Yeah, well, I don't want to learn about that.- No!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Anyway, the year after the Spanish Armada,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00an English Armada was soundly beaten by Spain.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02But we don't really like to talk about it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05That was something that people are generally ignorant about.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And here are some more.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I'll give you 100 points if you can name one of the countries
0:24:12 > 0:24:18where either the first or last shots of the First World War were fired.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Well... - It's worth it, for 100 points.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- France. - KLAXON
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Germany, England...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27It's where that guy, the king, the man was shot in the carrier.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- ..Austria, Turkey.- Where was that?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, that first shot in Sarajevo was not the shot of the war.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It's what caused the war later.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, you mean soldiers shooting.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Once the war was underway,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- the first shot that was actually fired in it...- Romania.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- The Isle of Man.- Denmark.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Jersey.- No. I'll tell you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45It was Togoland.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48That was the next thing I was going to say.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:52It was a German colony. And on the 4th August, 1914,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55the British Empire declared war on Germany
0:24:55 > 0:24:57and three days later it attacked Togoland,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Germany's small, but strategic colony there.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And Regimental Sergeant Major Alhaji Grunshi
0:25:01 > 0:25:04was the first to shoot back when the German-led police force
0:25:04 > 0:25:07shot the approaching British forces, colonial forces.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- He was obviously better at it than Jeremy.- Yeah!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- So he became... - Did he actually hit anything?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13He didn't necessarily hit anybody,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17but he became the first member of the British Army to fire a shot in the war.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Because I'd be the perfect armed guard for a Quaker meeting.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You would! You would!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I'm loving everything that you're so bad with guns.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- You missed again.- Yes, I have.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29But the war also ended in Africa, in fact.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31The last actual battle took place
0:25:31 > 0:25:35on a golf course in Northern Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37They stopped fighting eventually,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39but German troops fought on for ages
0:25:39 > 0:25:42in what is now Tanzania, Tanganyika as it was.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And they surrendered on November 25th, 1918.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45If you shoot someone on a golf course,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47is it considered polite to shout "Fore!"?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- You'd think it would be the least you could do.- Probably.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So, yes, 14 days after the armistice was the last shot of the war
0:25:53 > 0:25:56that anybody can find, which was in Tanganyika.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00So, yeah, the first shots of World War I were fired in Togo,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02the last in Tanganyika.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And, finally, our last question.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06What happened to the last of the Mohicans?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08He had a haircut.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Wild West show? - Well, what is a Mohican?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- A hairstyle. - Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, it's an Indian. Native American tribe, is it?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Oh, no, wait...- You said what?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Have I... I've gone and trodden on one of those landmines.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Because you can't say Indian, can you?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26What do I say, Native American?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28No, actually you can say Indian.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I found, doing a documentary all over the reservations...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- I can say it? - ..they called each other Indians.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I nearly got fired for that once.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:37APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Things go around, don't they?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45The American Indian Movement is the premier political body
0:26:45 > 0:26:47fighting for the rights of American Indians
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and they call themselves the American Indian Movement, AIM.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52It's a whole new world since I left.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57There are two sets of Native Americans, American Indians,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58that have been known as Mohicans.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01They're the Mohegans, who live in Connecticut
0:27:01 > 0:27:03and run the Casino of the Sky.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino, I've been there.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- It's called Mohegans, is it? - Mohegan, yeah.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13also provide a gambling service for you
0:27:13 > 0:27:16at the North Star Mohican Resort in Wisconsin,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18known as "the Midwest's Friendliest Casino".
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Yeah.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22The guy on the right there is rubbish.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23He is.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25The worst Native American ever.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- It doesn't work, does it? - Not joining in, is he?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31He's going, "No-one told me we were supposed to dress as Indians!"
0:27:31 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"I look ridiculous!"
0:27:34 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So, we haven't seen the last of the Mohicans.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40They're still coining it in their casinos.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45As Neville Chamberlain said,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"In war, no matter which side may call itself the victor,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"there are no winners, all are losers."
0:27:50 > 0:27:52And so it is with QI.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55But let's see who is the least losing of them all.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Lord, oh, bless my blimey...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Well, I have to say, it's a fantastic score
0:28:00 > 0:28:02for a first-time performance.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Wow! Look at that!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Quaking away at minus 2 is Sheila Hancock!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:15In second place, with minus 8, it's Jimmy Carr.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- APPLAUSE - Minus 8 is good, that's great.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23In third place, going great guns, it's Jeremy.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Minus 13. APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Which means... How did you do that?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32And only just last is...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Alan on minus 14.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:44That's all from Sheila, Jimmy, Jeremy, Alan and me.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And I leave you with this deep thought
0:28:46 > 0:28:47of American humorist Jack Handy.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50"I can picture in my mind a world without war,
0:28:50 > 0:28:51"a world without hate
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"and I can picture us attacking that world,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55"because they'd never expect it."
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Goodnight.