0:00:24 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28WHISTLING
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42which tonight is a melange of M places.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Joining me on my metropolitan meander are,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the M-inent Sue Perkins!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53The M-powered Sami Shah!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The M-phatic David Mitchell!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02WHISTLING
0:01:02 > 0:01:06And...the frankly M-barrassing Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Their buzzers
0:01:12 > 0:01:15celebrate some of the most magnificent Ms on the map.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Sue goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# When I was walking in Memphis... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Sami goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# I'm going to Miami...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- LAUGHTER - # Welcome to Miami... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:26David goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# And the lights all went down
0:01:30 > 0:01:33In Massachusetts... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Yeah, the Bee Gees. And Alan goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# Glory, glory Man United... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:42GROANING AND APPLAUSE Oh, don't you like that?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Don't you like that? Oh, try again.- Oh...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47# Hate Man United
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# We only hate Man United... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You see.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58So, which of the following M-places is made up?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00There they are.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Messak Settafet.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Er, The Mountains of Kong.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Meedhupparuraa...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08LAUGHTER
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Merv.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- # Miami... #- Yes, Sami?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'm going to say Meedhupparuraa, only because...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16it has 'made up', literally, in its name.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18ALARM
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Failure!- There's a logic there
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and you're new to QI and I'd like to be merciful,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- but I'm not going to be. - All right, fair enough.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- DAVID:- But in a sense, all names are made-up, aren't they?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:39HIGH PITCHED: Welcome
0:02:39 > 0:02:41to the logically ruthless world of David Mitchell!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Not that you sound like that, I'm sorry.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- But no, of course you're right, they are.- Yeah.- You're right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49But which one is not existing? But we have...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- The Mountains of Kong sounds like it's from fiction.- Kong.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55That sounds totally made up. Mountains of Kong?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You're right. You're right. Though...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00it was made up in a way that was utterly convincing for 100 years.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's not like something from Flash Gordon, or something?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06No, it's earlier than that. It was a cartographer
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- who was a highly respected figure... - Mm.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11..who was just imagining them.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It was a chain of mountains all the way across Africa,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15below the Sahara
0:03:15 > 0:03:17and before what you might call 'darkest Africa',
0:03:17 > 0:03:20sub-Saharan Africa, as we'd now say.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24And this, right up to 1895, this was in atlases.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25He was called James Rennell
0:03:25 > 0:03:27and he was a very respected figure.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- And he...- Until someone... - Until he made it up.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Until someone went skiing in the Mountains of Kong.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Well, the effect of it was that nobody...- Should be here somewhere.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38The effect of it was that nobody dreamt
0:03:38 > 0:03:41or thought of passing this barrier and going through
0:03:41 > 0:03:42- to the rest of Africa.- Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44They had obviously navigated the coast,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47there was the slave routes, which were all the way further down,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50but everyone thought from the north you couldn't get through.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Did he, what did he do, spill something on the map and..?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54That's quite possible!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, bollocks, I've just... I'll call it the Mountains of...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- LAUGHTER - ..Kong.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02But who, who gets to name, who gets the honour of naming a thing?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- If you chance upon it, can you call it..?- Yeah.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Kong Mountains, or Jimmy Hill, or...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Maybe, in the case David Livingstone, you'd call it Lake Victoria,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15after your dear queen and all that sort of thing.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Difficult to name it after yourself, isn't it?- It is.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You have to name it after someone and so,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22the thing to do, as an explorer, would be to get there
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and then ask your assistant explorer if they can think of a name.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- You know, while reminding them how they got that job.- Yes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:36But Meedhupparuraa exists in the Maldives.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39That's an island in the Raa Atoll.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Well, it won't exist for long, then. - LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Because it's very low. - Yes, yes, absolutely, yes.- Very low.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47A couple more coal-fired power stations
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- and it'll be Meedhupparuraa again. - LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:54What about Messak Settafet?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- Fine tennis player. - LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Is it in Egypt?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Not actually in Egypt,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- but not so many million miles away. - Shropshire.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's in the Sahara, is what I'm trying to say.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- In the Sahara.- It's in the Sahara,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and it is known as containing more tools than any other place on earth.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Apart from "insert city." - Apart from Made In Chelsea.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You may say, "Oh, a lot of tools. Well, that's not very interesting."
0:05:25 > 0:05:28But 75 artefacts per square metre,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31it's almost 200 million per square mile.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- It's a staggering amount of man-made objects.- These things like hand axes?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Yes.- That sort of old tools. - Yeah, all those kinds of things.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Over 100,00 years or so.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Local sandstone was ideal. - Messak Settafet,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46is that Saharan language, whatever it is, for Homebase, or...?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- It was the right kind of rock. - Clay Tools R Us.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53They'd bought a lot of flint
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- the day before the strimmer was invented.- Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00According to Dr Robert Foley of Cambridge University,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02the rock extracted from Africa by humans to make tools
0:06:02 > 0:06:05over the last million years would be enough to build
0:06:05 > 0:06:07three Great Pyramids of Giza
0:06:07 > 0:06:11for every square mile of the entire continent.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Which is one way of expressing that there were a lot of them.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16There was a lot more Africa
0:06:16 > 0:06:19before early man turned it into tools.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- LAUGHTER - Well, it's still there.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- It's still in Africa, it's just now loose.- No, most of it's in museums.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Pyramids and pyramids are in museums
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and in a big heap in Messak Settafet.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Probably the Mountains of Kong WERE there.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39- LAUGHTER - They were just...- They just made tools out of them.- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Very good indeed.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46So, Merv. Where's Merv? Where was Merv? Where is Merv?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Where could Merv be? - Usually fielding on the boundary.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- LAUGHTER So you're talking about... - Merv Hughes.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Merv Hughes, Merv the Swerve. Yeah.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57No, it's not that. It genuinely was a place.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Where's Merv? I don't know. - Well, it was a city.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Merv was on the legendary Silk Road.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- OK.- The great trading route. - Oh, all right.- Yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- So China and India.- You mean in China and India and Pakistan.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- Exactly. Through your...- Yeah, it's in my neck of the woods, if you will.- Yeah, exactly.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Good old Merv, we used to go there for chai and beverages.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:21There's a guy there who makes an amazing naan.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Is it like Knutsford, like a services?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Naan, lovely, but surely chai is disgusting.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Chai is tea!- Oh, chai's lovely. - It's hot, sweet milky.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- It's always sweet...- It's only your fault we have that! - LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Have you ever asked...- There was no chai before the British came.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"..I'll have some chai, please, but without sugar."
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Why would you ask without sugar?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48- That's genuinely an insult which is, yeah, it's punishable.- Uh-oh. - LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I'd rather not get type 2 diabetes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Stephen, he's only been here ten minutes and you've insulted him.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57If you can't commit to type 2 diabetes, then you shouldn't have chai in the first place.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- LAUGHTER I've learnt that, painfully. - Fair enough.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Let's get back to Merv.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It was arguably the largest city in the world,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07had a population of 200,000 people.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11This is, we're going back from 1150s to 1200, that sort of thing.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- A bit quieter now, though, by the look of it.- Well, yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Just a man and a donkey.- Ever since they built the railway!- Yep.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Since they built the freeway. - He's sitting there like, "They'll come back soon."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's what happened when they built the bypass.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30The bottom fell out of the market for green stuff.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:37In 1221, they surrendered to the Mongols, which was a big mistake.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Didn't everyone surrender to the Mongols around then?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- I would.- I don't think surrendering was the right word, though.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- They didn't have a choice in the matter as such.- Not really,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and the result was they were all massacred, every one of them killed.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Disaster.- Yeah.- Except for that person.- The Mongols didn't understand the basics, did they?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Yeah, the Mongols were not kind or polite.- Yeah, bad Mongols!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57We might come to them later, who knows?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01The Mountains of Kong aren't real, but Meedhupparuraa is.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Can you give me your best Mummerset accent?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Mummerset."
0:09:06 > 0:09:08THEY MUMBLE
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You're hoping for an, "ooh-aar."
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Yes, that's correct. That's right. It's not difficult.- Oh.- Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Another go.- So that's like a generic mumbling.- Yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's not even West Country, is it, Mummerset?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- It's sort of like a default kind of... it can be east and west or anywhere.- That's right, yes.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You replace an S with a Z, like "zider," all that sort of thing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30F with a V - Vry, Stephen Vry.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Right, so for example, "I haven't seen Alan since Friday,"
0:09:34 > 0:09:37becomes, "Oi ain't zeen that Alan since Vroiday."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Why is it called Mummerset?
0:09:40 > 0:09:45- Mummerset.- What is a mummer? What are mummers?- Oh, a theatrical player. - A theatrical clown.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Mummers are...- Like a clown or something.- Actors.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Players. Actors.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And it's a word given to the generic West Country accent
0:09:52 > 0:09:57that - most West Country people would say - bad actors
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- give to a clown, a fool... - On BBC radio.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- ..a rustic, any kind of figure like that, in a drama or a film.- Pirates.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05They say, "Ooh-aar, you can't come here."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Pirates are bit West Country, aren't they?- Yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09"Aar. Aaaar."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12But I gather, Sami, there is a generic Indian accent?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Well, OK, there is a generic Indian accent -
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- PUTS ON ACCENT:- "Talking like this and everything's OK."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20But I realised recently, cos I was doing a Pakistani character
0:10:20 > 0:10:24in one of my stand-up shows, where I was talking about my relative,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26and I put on a generic Indian accent, and I was like,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- "Am I being racist towards myself at this point?" - LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- PUTS ON ACCENT:- "How are you doing?" And I think, but I don't talk like that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- So I don't know why I did that to myself.- That is fascinating.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yeah, on the subject of accents and so on,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41who was the first BBC newsreader
0:10:41 > 0:10:44to have what you might call a regional accent? Do you know this?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Uh...- It was a Yorkshire accent, as it goes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- I don't know. I'm trying to remember one.- So from Yorkshire?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52It was during the Second World War.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56And the idea was, people thought - the BBC and the government thought
0:10:56 > 0:11:00that a local accent would be harder for a German impostor to put on. LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Because the newsreaders had to say their name.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06So they'd say, "This is the six o'clock news read by Alvar Lidell," or whatever.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07"Read by Wolfgang... Oh, oh!"
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Exactly. Got you! Got you! Ha, ha!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And it was, "This is the six o'clock news
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"read by Wilfred Pickles."
0:11:16 > 0:11:17- Oh, Pickles.- Yeah, Wilfred Pickles.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Unfortunately the public reported that while they may believe that it was Wilfred Pickles,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24what they didn't believe was a word he said.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26IN A POSH ACCENT: "Because he didn't speak like this."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- "This was a lot of fuss about nothing."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"So we are winning the war in the Atlantic." "No, that's rubbish."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:37That's how it went. So actors, yeah, have this...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You're an actor as well as a comedian.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I did one stage play a while back, yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- I believe it was Romeo And Juliet? - Yes.- And naturally you played...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I played Juliet, actually.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:51No, it was... The point of the play was to create awareness
0:11:51 > 0:11:55about homosexuality and about AIDS awareness in Pakistan.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58So we did the play and the goal was I would play Juliet
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and we'd have a man playing Romeo as well.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04But we did one night and then we got told not to do any more.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07When you say told not to do any more, is that a euphemism for...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It's not a, "No, please don't do any more."
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- It's not like that at all, no.- No. It's a, "Please don't do any more."
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Well, I mean, they don't ever have to point it, because it's, um...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Because they've got a massive sword. - Yeah, it's implied. - LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:24I don't want to make hasty judgements about Pakistan, I've never been, but you've got the Taliban. Hello?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Yeah, but other than them it's nice. - LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- I mean, how do you go back?- Yeah, but Stephen, the naans, the naans!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31The naans are amazing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:35APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Well, Mummerset - exactly, it's mummers,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43actors and their generic West Country accent.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Now, while we're in the West Country,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48the highest point in Cornwall is called Brown Willy.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51But can you name an M-word for the part of the body
0:12:51 > 0:12:53that Brown Willy is named after?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Hello.- I say!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Massive man tool.- Massive man tool. - Massive man tool.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Is it the middle?- Midriff, you mean? - Is it the pectorals?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Mid...midr... No, just the middle. - The middle, general middle.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08The middle of a person.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Can I just say about that man, he's spend so much time on his torso,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- and yet that hair.- Yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:17And I say that with this, but you know.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- The Brown in Brown Willy actually comes from...- A bit of the body beginning with M...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- The mind.- Ooooh.- Oh, yeah.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Aaah.- Is that body or is it...? Oh, I say. Well, that's interesting. - See what I did there?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- It comes from...- An internal organ beginning with M?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- The old Cornish word Bronn is the Brown bit.- OK.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- And that means breast. - Breast?- Breast.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Breast.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- LAUGHTER - Mammary glands.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Yeah, exactly.- Does it make you feel more comforted to say it repeatedly?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- LAUGHTER Mammaries, exactly.- Breast, breast!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50So yeah, and Willy was originally Wennili, meaning swallow.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I mean the animal. The bird. - Right, sure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:57There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Can you name one?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Um...- Boob Town.- Boob Town!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER No, can you name a real one?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Oh, sorry.- Great Tit-chfield.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The Mountains of Boob.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- LAUGHING:- The Mountains of Boob. - Well...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Press your buzzer.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# Man United... #
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Manchester?- Yes!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Oh.- It was Mam-chester originally.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Mam as in mammary. Yes.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- And it's got "chest" in it as well.- Yeah!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28It's an incredibly rudely named place.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Full breasts, the mammaries and the chest.- Yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- And there's Nippleton, as well, isn't there?- Yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's from the Celtic Mam.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Jugsford.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Racksbury.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Melonford.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Great Titty.- Bazookaville.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- And what about Titty Hill in West Sussex?- What about it?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- It exists, but it's not named after breasts.- No, of course.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- What's it named after?- The other tits.- Sir Malcolm Titty.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It's so silly, it's funny.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06His assistant named it when they both discovered it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"What do you think we should call this?" "Er..."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- "I think we should name it after you, Titty."- "Titty Hill."
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- LAUGHTER - "You found it, Titty."
0:15:15 > 0:15:18"Well, we're not going to name it after you, Big Dick."
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24It's actually named after, I think you were struggling to say that, what it was named after.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Oh, the birds?- The birds, the tits. - The blue tits.- Blue tits.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Or the great tits.- Blue tits, great tits, yeah. Birds. LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Brown Willy is the highest point of Bodmin Moor.- Of anyone's life.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Anyway, how mad can a mango make a man go?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER Do you see what I did? There's a mango.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46This is a story you either know or you don't, but it is actually
0:15:46 > 0:15:51genuinely a fascinating story, and rather horrifically repellent, too.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53So where a mango made a man go mad?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- It made a whole nation go mad, actually, this.- Is there something toxic about a mango?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Not toxic. It made them go mad in a fever of worship.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, so they fetishised the mango?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04They fetishised the man who gave them the mango.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- They made a god of a mango-bringing man?- Virtually, yes.- Right.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Absolutely right.- Was it Del Monte, the man from Del Monte?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That would have been relatively sane, in a strange sort of way.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21- To worship the man from Del Monte? - This was the largest nation on earth in the 1960s. 1968, to be precise.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- China.- China.- China. So who ruled China in 1968?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Mao Zedong.- Mao Zedong. The hero of the people.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29He received a crate of mangos from...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- The man from Del Monte! - The man from Del Monte.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- The man responsible was the Pakistani Foreign Minister.- There we go.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Do you know this story?- Oh!- Yeah, because the Pakistani mango is,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- no matter what the Indians say, the best in the world.- Yes.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45And the fact that I haven't had a Pakistani mango in three years now
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- is just a point of misery for me. - You really miss them?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Oh, my God, they're amazing. They really are.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53If you try and eat a mango, usually they've been over-chilled
0:16:53 > 0:16:57in Britain, so they're fibrous and that stone in the middle is too close
0:16:57 > 0:17:00to the flesh, and you try it with your knife and it squirts over you.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What should you do? Should you just simply bury your head in it?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- There's no dignity.- Right, so you...
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Mangos are like lobsters. You can't look cool and eat a mango.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Like, you decide, "I'm eating the mango
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"OR I'm getting laid tonight."
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- LAUGHTER - Those are the choices you make in life.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Well, obviously, then, the Pakistani Foreign Minister in 1968 thought
0:17:21 > 0:17:24he was doing a really smart thing by giving such a beautiful fruit,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28a crate of them to the leader of the most populous nation on earth,
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Mao Zedong, and he instantly re-gifted those mangos.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- This is where it gets weird. - Awkward.- Yeah.- He gave them to
0:17:36 > 0:17:39the factory workers' peace-keeping squads, who called themselves
0:17:39 > 0:17:43The Worker Peasant Mao Zedong Thought Propaganda Teams.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44- Catchy. - LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:48What's the big deal? He didn't like them, re-gifted them.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51No story there. The crate of mangos was split up
0:17:51 > 0:17:53and individual fruits were sent to factories,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57where they were put on altars - so yes, you were right, worshipped -
0:17:57 > 0:18:00preserved in formaldehyde, sealed in wax,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and in one case, boiled in a huge pot of water,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and one teaspoon went to each worker, of the water.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- So they didn't eat the mango? - No. It gets weirder.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- There were mango...- Just... - There were Mao mango... LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Lots of Ms here.- Sacrilege!- It is!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19There were Mao mango medallions. Textiles with mango pictures on them.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Hundreds more mango artefacts - trays, mugs, fabric.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The state even produced Mango brand cigarettes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Despite all this, most people in China, of course,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29had never seen a mango. There was only one crate
0:18:29 > 0:18:31to go round a billion people.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:35One man who remarked that it was nothing special
0:18:35 > 0:18:38and looked just like a sweet potato
0:18:38 > 0:18:40was arrested as a counter-revolutionary...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- LAUGHTER - As he should have been.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45..put on - wait for it - put on trial, found guilty,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48taken to the edge of town and shot.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Sorry, sorry.- Now, come on!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm just saying! Sorry.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Now, who gets best use out of a man engine?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03A woman.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Can't believe that hasn't gone off!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Do you want to know what the forfeit was?- No.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"You do, Stephen."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Isn't that sick? I said,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"No, no-one's going to say that!" And you didn't.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Yeah, we've moved beyond. - Yeah, exactly.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Anyway, what do you get out of a man engine?- Is it invented by a Mr Man?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Not a Mr Man, not like...- Mr Men. LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Mr Strong or...- Mr Inventor. - Roger Hargreaves.- Yeah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Mr Brilliant Inventor.- Mr Inventor.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38But someone whose surname was Man?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40No, it's nothing to do with that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- What was the first engine? - Steam engines.- Steam.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- There was the Newcomen engine. - The Newcomen engine, where was that?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47That was in the early 18th century,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50it was for pumping water out of mines.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Where were those mines?- Cornwall. - Cornwall?- Cornwall. Tin mines.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Tin mines.- Trevithick, his engine, and Newcomen, as you rightly say.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00So, you've got to get men down the mines to hammer away and get the tin.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And there, you can see, there's a ladder that goes a certain way down,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06but if you dig down, dig down, dig down, dig down, and then you've got a real problem.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11The men have got to get all the way down to the bottom, all the way up to the top, and they'll be knackered.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- You're not getting good productivity out of them. So you need...- A lift!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- Yeah, but there's no technology for a lift.- Oh, shit! - You need a man engine!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- So all you have is a wheel that goes round, like that.- Oh, yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23That's what you have. It's very cunning, look at that.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Watch the men there going up. - That's like two weird ski lifts.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I bet there were never accidents doing that. - LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Well, given how many there are in coal mines....
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's beautifully elegant, isn't it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And is that when they invented the computer game as well?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Well, that's to give you an impression of how it works.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43It's actually rather elegant. As you can see, the flywheel or whatever you call it,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46the wheel which converts into this downward and upward motion.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49And obviously if you reverse, it'll get the men down.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I could watch that for days.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Yeah.- I've actually gone into a hypnotic trance now, have you?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57As you can see, this one is simply run by water, it's not even a steam engine.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And then they get on a conveyor belt at the top.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Yes, you're right.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It can't be, they hadn't invented that. It must be an ice rink.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- These days, mines are...- "Argh!"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"Argh! Argh!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"Argh! Argh!"
0:21:22 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER The Lemmings game.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Now, what are the three manly games?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Rugger, surely.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33KLAXON
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Not rugby.- Spin the bottle?- Boxing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Boxing?- Oh...- No. - KLAXON
0:21:41 > 0:21:43David, David, David, David, David...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Is it going to be Tiddlywinks and...- Oh!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47KLAXON
0:21:47 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54That is miraculous, I have to say.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Greco-Roman wrestling.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It's a form of wrestling. It's not Greco-Roman -
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- it's very much of its own country, which begins with our...- M?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- ..our guest letter, yes, exactly. - Mongolian wrestling.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Mongolia is the right answer!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Oh, I'm bouncing back from the tiddlywinks fiasco.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Yeah, the Mongolians have these games in their biggest festival,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14which is Naadam.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16So, as you can see, it's archery, it's horse racing
0:22:16 > 0:22:18and it's wrestling in tight pants.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19And that's what the Mongolians do.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Those aren't pants, sorry. - Aren't they?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- They're underwear.- Oh, yeah! We have a linguistic issue here,
0:22:24 > 0:22:25- you're right.- I'm... Oh, sorry.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Oh, so in England are underwear pants?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Yes.- Yes.- That explains a lot of confusion I have.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's... What they're really wearing
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- is some sort of cheerleader's outfit.- Yeah.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39It's a sort of crop top and tight underpants and boots.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41This is confusing for me, cos this is exactly what Mary Berry
0:22:41 > 0:22:43is wearing in this season of Bake Off.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- And it's...- She's got a soggy bottom!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- In that outfit, everyone has a soggy bottom.- Well, that's true.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Oh, there he is. Yeah.- Ooh, hello.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Did the man second back ever have his breasts used
0:22:55 > 0:22:59to model a tor in, or a mountain in, Cornwall?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00- Because it... - LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:02What is it with the clothes and the hats,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- what are they doing?!- Look, this is a culture long established
0:23:05 > 0:23:07that murdered all the people of Merv.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- They make fun of their predecessors. - Yeah...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14When they turned up in Merv, and everyone went...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- HE LAUGHS - We surrender and your clothes are funny!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:21In Mongolia, nothing's more manly than wrestling another man
0:23:21 > 0:23:23in a pair of tiny underpants.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26But now it's time for the earth-shattering round
0:23:26 > 0:23:29that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32In which country was Mozart born?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- Ooh.- Mm.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36The countries were weird then, most of the countries didn't exist yet.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Places like you think it's always been a country, like Germany
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- and Italy, didn't exist then. - No, that's right.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Was it the Mountains of Kong? - LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Well, obviously...- Was he born in Salzburg?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Yes! Well done. Good points.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- And was that like a republic? - It was indeed. It was a state.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE Yeah, it was a Serbian state.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- But Mozart- hated- it and he moved, as soon as he could, to Vienna.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Called himself German, although there was no such country.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06In fact, he died way before there was such a country.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10He didn't make Paul McCartney's mistake of, you know...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12outliving his cool.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER No.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- He didn't.- Yep.- Very, very true.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19APPLAUSE
0:24:21 > 0:24:24So, there you are. Yes, Mozart was a Salzburger.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Goethe, as it happens, was a Frankfurter,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Mendelssohn was a Hamburger,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30and the Brothers Grimm were Hessian.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Yes, so they all came from different lands.- Oh.- Mm.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Now... Ooh, this is exciting! I've got some glasses of water for you.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38- Ooh!- Yes, I know. Be very...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40HE STRAINS ..very excited.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Oh, there we go. Here are yours, Alan and David.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Now, before... Don't try them.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Don't, for God...whatever you do, drink any yet!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Until you know what you're doing.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Ah, there we are. There's A, B and C. Can you see that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Well, A has got something in it. - Yeah.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00There's some weird detritus in it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Yeah, that's either some very poor washing up...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- LAUGHTER - ..or that's...- Dandruff.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- Well, I'll tell you what it is. A is sea water. A is sea water.- Oh.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Oh, it'll kill you. - I'll tell you what B is.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Fresh water, because there's bubbles in it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's, er, treated sewage.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- All right then.- Ooh. - LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's why it's got bubbles in it!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Yeah, are you sure they're bubbles then?- And C is ultrapure water.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Right.- Can I have C?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Is that... That's your choice?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28- Oh, no.- Hey!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:25:33 > 0:25:37But, to be fair, we don't know whether Sue meant C as in C
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- or sea as in sea. - STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER Ah, you little devil!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46But, yes, the point was to trap you into choosing ultrapure water.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Ultrapure water is too pure.- Oh.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53The kidneys have a real problem here, because we rely on electrolytes
0:25:53 > 0:25:59to power, energize our brains and the heart and other bits of ourselves.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02And if your blood is drained of all the particles,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06because the pure water is taking them away, through osmosis,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09then you will die if you have too much ultrapure water.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I'm going to revise now.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Would that amount of pure water kill you?- No, no! That's fine, no.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16So what is the best out of those three?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, what about sea water, what...?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Well, sea water's got a lot of salt in it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Yeah, the kidneys try and get the salt out,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24and, in order to get the salt out, they have to use water.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28So you, actually, the effect of drinking sea water is to dehydrate.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Yeah.- Right. - So we're left with treated sewage.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Well, it's been treated, I suppose that's...- It has been treated, yeah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36But someone told me that water that you drink from a tap in London
0:26:36 > 0:26:39has been through nine people before it reaches the glass.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Is that true?- Yeah, it's not yet...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43No, it's not yet true at all. This is a sort of urban myth, that we all
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- like to think we're drinking...- It's been through cows and sheep as well.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- They're talking about it... - I'd like to know which nine people
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- they were, wouldn't you?- That is also very important to know.- Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- In Windhoek, which is the capital of Namibia...- Namibia.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Yeah, exactly. And there, they have a slightly salty water...- Points!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02..because 25% of it is treated sewage,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05but only 25% percent. But it's perfectly OK.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08There's no excuse not do what this is, I believe,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10which is probably either Orange Country or LA,
0:27:10 > 0:27:14which is that they use treated sewage for golf courses
0:27:14 > 0:27:16and for irrigation and things like that.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And the treated sewage is getting popular, actually, around the world,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21so that seems a helpful thing.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- But you ought to try. Why don't you try...- No, thanks!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER No, I won't let you try the sewage,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27try the ultrapure. Cos it's not going to kill you, one sip,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- just see if it is actually noticeably pure.- All right.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Hm.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34ALAN BURPS
0:27:34 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- SUE:- Oh, my kidneys!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- It's good.- I've messed up on this. - You can, yeah.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I would say it does taste like water, but a little bit more boring.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- LAUGHTER It's brilliant. - I don't know whether I'm...
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Maybe I'm just imposing that on it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- Yeah, you might be...- It's not got that chlorine high note, has it?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It does taste... I don't expect a party in my mouth
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- with water, but... - LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:59So, drinking pure water can kill you.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02You're much better off draining a glass of processed sewage.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Good health to you all.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07And all that's left now are the scores.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Oh, my gracious goodness...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Crash!- ..heavenly me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13In last place, I'm afraid...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15but she probably knows it,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17by the fact that I've used a feminine pronoun...
0:28:17 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It's Sue Perkins!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:24 > 0:28:26WHISTLING
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Fighting manfully into third place,
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Alan Davies!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you very much.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37In second place, a magnificent debut from Sami Shah!
0:28:37 > 0:28:40APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Which can only mean that our clear winner, with minus four,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46is David Mitchell! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:46 > 0:28:49JINGLE PLAYS
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And that's all from Sami, Sue, David, Alan and me.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Goodnight.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING