0:00:22 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40where, tonight, we'll be taking in a magnificent miscellany
0:00:40 > 0:00:42of things beginning with M.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Please welcome the mundivagant Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The marmoraceous Noel Fielding.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59A woman of great muliebrity, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And macerating in the corner, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:13On with the buzzers.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17They're, frankly, a miscellany of musical mischief.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Cariad goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21DRUMROLL
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Noel goes... DRUMROLL
0:01:24 > 0:01:28SWING BEAT
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Rhod goes... DRUMROLL
0:01:31 > 0:01:37MUSIC: God Save The Queen
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And Alan goes... DRUMROLL
0:01:40 > 0:01:42GUILLOTINE BLADE SWOOSHES
0:01:42 > 0:01:45CHEERING
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Now, then, what was the matter
0:01:47 > 0:01:52with the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy children's chemistry set?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Did it have uranium in it or something?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER It sure did.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- That's what...- Kids glowing green.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06That's what U-238 is. Yeah, absolutely.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It contained uranium
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and other sources of alpha, beta and gamma radiation,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14including good, healthy polonium...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER ..which was in there.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yeah. And it included a Geiger counter
0:02:19 > 0:02:23and instructions on how to mine for uranium and...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- LAUGHTER - Wow.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28This is the start of the Iranian weapons programme.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- LAUGHTER Yes, exactly.- "We have the kit."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The packaging said it was completely safe and harmless.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37It was sold in 1951, 1952, for 49.50,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- which is about £300 now.- Whoa.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41- So, it was pricey.- It was.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44If you wanted your polonium even then, it'd cost you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45And that's why they stopped making it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Cos it was too expensive?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Yeah, the margins were not good enough
0:02:48 > 0:02:50for them to make much of a profit on it.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52As you see, it says along the top,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Another Gilbert Hall of Science product" and the...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- It also says exciting and safe. - That's right. Absolutely.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I'm not sure those two things go together.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER They don't, do they?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, the guy responsible was called Alfred Carlton Gilbert
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and he came up with a number of sets for children.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I mean, there was a chemistry set which contained ammonium nitrate,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15which is the principle ingredient for fertiliser bombs.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- LAUGHTER - He liked the good stuff, didn't he?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yeah, he liked, exactly, the good stuff.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Agent Orange. - LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The first experiment in that kit
0:03:25 > 0:03:28was to make gunpowder. LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30He just didn't like children, did he?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER His most famous invention
0:03:33 > 0:03:34is huge in America.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's the American equivalent of Meccano,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- which is called Erector. - Erector set.- And there it is.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Are there giggles from our audience because it contains the word erect?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER Well, there you are.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53They're still all smiling now. "Ooh, love that word."
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I just love the idea
0:03:54 > 0:03:57that you can make a Ferris wheel out of erections.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- It interconnects with any penis. - LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Simple docking.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06GROANING Oh.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Sorry, Stephen. I was doing the Ferris wheel
0:04:13 > 0:04:14as if it were attached to my cock.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- I'm so sorry.- Fair enough. LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- I'm lowering the tone again. - I accept that.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23But it was all part of that time - 1950s -
0:04:23 > 0:04:25this incredible worship of the nuclear bomb.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29And it even got to the stage where you could get a cereal toy,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33which was an atomic bomb ring, celebrating The Lone Ranger series.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36There it is. There's the atomic bomb inside a ring
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and it contains polonium alpha,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41so it gives off brilliant flashes of light
0:04:41 > 0:04:43as part of nuclear disintegration.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45So that your little boy and your little girl
0:04:45 > 0:04:48each have one from the cereal packet and they flash.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51But it's weird that this was for The Lone Ranger,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54which you may remember was a Western set in the 19th century.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- Yeah, it's a cowboy.- Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But somehow, he had the atom bomb in what's a very complicated story.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- LAUGHTER - He had an atomic bomb in his ring?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Wait. Wait.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11That's one of my favourite ever sentences on this show.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- LAUGHTER - And that's when he was running
0:05:13 > 0:05:15the Erector amusement park.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- "I've got an A-bomb in my ring." - LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You sounded like Jeremy Clarkson then.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Jeremy would love an A-bomb in his ring.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29A cowboy with an A-bomb in his ring.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31So, he's got an A-bomb in his ring and then decades later,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33James Bond comes along and all his watch does
0:05:33 > 0:05:36is fire a dart into a mouse or something, isn't it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- It gives you a dead leg. - I've basically got
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- The Lone Ranger's costume on tonight.- You have!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- LAUGHTER - Have you got an A-bomb in your ring?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44I have, yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47At the end of the show, I'll let that off and...
0:05:47 > 0:05:48But this is rather...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Like a small firework display.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52We'll all gather round to see the lights.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55This is not like, "Oh, we found this obscure present
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"in some cereal packs for a four-month period."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Over a million of these were made. - Really?- God.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It was a big promotion.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05There was a boy as late as the '90s - '94 -
0:06:05 > 0:06:08who tried to construct a nuclear reactor
0:06:08 > 0:06:10in his mother's shed in his garden in Michigan.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13He was the Nuclear Boy Scout.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There are his badges, including, top left,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17he's holding up the nuclear badge.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- I didn't know Scouts had one, but they seem to.- Wow.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21He can't even fix a blind.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:26They called him the Radioactive Boy Scout
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and when I said he was trying to construct a nuclear reactor,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I mean it. He was trying to construct a nuclear reactor.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37His safety included wearing a lead poncho.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Where do you find a lead poncho?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- LAUGHTER - Noel's got one. Noel's got one.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Yes, you have one. Yes! - You must have a lead poncho.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46You're the only person who would have a lead poncho.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- LAUGHTER - He's not going to make a nuclear...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52He's got an arrow to show which way up his top goes on.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER There is that.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And he threw away his clothes after each session
0:06:56 > 0:06:58that he was in his mother's shed.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00He was in the middle of purifying thorium
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- when he was rumbled by the authorities.- Wow.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And his shed was found to be 1,000 times more radioactive
0:07:05 > 0:07:08than background radiation and was buried in the desert.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER It was!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12How did they take his shed to the desert?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- That's amazing. - Must have been a chopper.- Yeah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"We're going to have to take the birdbath as well. This is..."
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"This washing line - that's right out, mate."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"And the trellis. The trellis has got to go."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- "Dad's barbecue - gone, mate. Gone." - LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30So, if you want to really light up your children's faces,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32you could get them a radioactive chemistry lab.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Which place, beginning with M, holds the world's deadest parties?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Milton Keynes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER Milton Keynes? Oh, dear.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Michael Gove's underpants. - LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Maidstone. - KLAXON
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh! How amazing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You got Maidstone. Thank you for that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Well, no, it's an island - one of the largest islands on Earth.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Oh, erm...- Madagascar. - Madagascar.- Madagascar.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The Malagasy people. The Malgache people.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Yeah, every few years, they dig up their ancestors
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and have a party and dance with them over their heads.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER Yeah, I know.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Not as weird as a radioactive chemistry kit.- No, it isn't.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11They dig them up.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- They dress them in silk... - "Hello, Grandad!"
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Dress them in silk scarves. Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- It's what we do in Camden. - LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21They also spray their ancestors' bodies with perfume,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23perhaps understandably... LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25..and they bathe them in sparkling wine.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29After the dance, the corpses are placed on the ground like that.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31See, there are the corpses in winding sheets and so on.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Oh, too weird. Too weird.- Yeah. And the elders tell their children
0:08:35 > 0:08:37about the significance of their relatives.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39But they also tell the dead ancestors
0:08:39 > 0:08:43about the children that have been born since the ancestors died.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46So, they have a sort of two-way communication, as it were,
0:08:46 > 0:08:47about their families.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49They should have booked a bigger hall.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yeah. Well, yes, it's full and bouncy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It's amazing. That's amazing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55We don't talk about death enough, just to bring up in a comedy show.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I am NOT getting my grandma out...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- LAUGHTER - ..in a potato sack.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- LAUGHTER - I know what you mean.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- We hide away from it here. - I'm with you, Cariad.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- We don't talk about it at all. - Other cultures are much more open.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I don't. I'm a Goth. I'm all over it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- LAUGHTER - I sleep in a coffin.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- LAUGHTER - No, you're right, we do.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18We don't like to talk about it, but they celebrate it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19They do. It's rather wonderful.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Do they drink at the party? - You must have to.- I think so.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Do they sometimes get home and think, "Oh, shit!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"I've left Grandma somewhere."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- LAUGHTER - On the bus!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Supposedly, they do it because they've had a dream
0:09:35 > 0:09:36in which an ancestor's visited them
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and told them they're cold in their grave
0:09:39 > 0:09:40and that they want to come up.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43This ceremony, it's called a Famadihana
0:09:43 > 0:09:47and the whole taboo and folklore system of Madagascar is called fady
0:09:47 > 0:09:48and it's very strong.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It's much stronger than it is in many other countries
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and despite all the pressures on Madagascar,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55as they are on all countries. It seems a bit grim,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- but I think it's fine. - Quite nice, I think.- I like it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Two things they're known for - that and square guitars.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER Yes. Yeah, it does.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Now for a serious medical malady.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Show me the symptoms of bicycle face.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Bicycle face?- Mm-hm. LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- That's with goggles. - No, these are wheels.- Oh, they're...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, I see. Sorry. Of course they're wheels!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Is bicycle...? What is bicycle face?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21When you get sucked off by your Grifter?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER Wow!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- LAUGHTER - Sorry. I'd better go.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28No, that's the right answer!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That's what I've got written on the card.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER That's amazing!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35On my card, in this universe, on the other hand...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER ..I've got something else.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42The Literary Digest, in 1895, warned women cyclists...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- I don't know why I'm looking at you. - I'm a woman.- You are.- That's OK.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47You've identified me as a woman.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- It's going to get worse, I'm afraid. - OK.- This thing is.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Over-exertion, the upright position on the wheel
0:10:52 > 0:10:55"and the unconscious effort to maintain one's balance
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"produces a wearied and exhausted bicycle face.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- "The main symptoms..." - No-one will marry you!- Yes.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"The main symptoms are a hard, clenched jaw and bulging eyes..."
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- I wasn't sure where you were going to stop at.- Yeah, quite.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"..as well as being flushed or pale."
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Either of those.- I...- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13And, "Wearing a haggard, anxious expression."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- That's just the fear of patriarchy. - LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- "I'm under so much pressure." - Well, there was a worry.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Some doctors said that,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"Cycling would irritate the pelvic organs
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"and stimulate women to disturbing lusts."
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- LAUGHTER - If you can't get it at home,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- you get it on a bike, right, ladies?- Yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Get your stimulated pelvic organs.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Well, there's a downside, according to a French expert...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Of course.- ..who said, "It would ruin the female organs
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"of matrimonial necessity."
0:11:40 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs of matrimonial necessity...
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Excuse me? What are you asking me?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I'm just hoping that they haven't been ruined by bicycling.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"Hello, Wembley! We're the Female Organs Of Natural Necessity."
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- It's funny cos the clitoris... - HE INHALES SHARPLY
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- La-la-la, la-la-la. - Shall we draw a picture?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER She said it! She said it!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06She said it! SHE IMITATES ALARM
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I've drawn a rainbow, everyone.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- It's all right. - LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Where's Sue Perkins when you need her?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15The clitoris is actually a very large organ...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Shush, Cariad! - LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And it's just literally the tip of an iceberg.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21When you say, "LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg..."?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Yeah.- I knew I was looking for it in the wrong place.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- There was an artist in New York... - In the Arctic Ocean.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Yeah. An artist in New York.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33She made like, this, obviously not to scale, clitoris
0:12:33 > 0:12:37and she got women to ride on it, but it literally...it's huge.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38It's, like, there's this bit
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and then there's these two other huge bits that are in the body.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- I was looking behind you.- Yeah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- LAUGHTER - Behind just here.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Wow.- It's giant. It's way bigger... - But you have two, don't you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's one under each arm, yes?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER Have I got this wrong?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54- Alan, help me out.- It's OK.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- I didn't bring mine with me today. - LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So, to say it damages the vital organs is...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01So, how much more of it is there, then? Going...?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh, my God. Guys, do we have to, like...?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Is this the bit where I tell you about...explain it to you?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08A woman at some point in your life
0:13:08 > 0:13:10should have explained this to you, but perhaps...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I've never seen such fear in all your faces.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Do you think people will believe it if I say that my penis
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- is only the tip of the iceberg? - LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21There's a lot more under the surface
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- you haven't seen. - LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:24There's a huge nerve ending
0:13:24 > 0:13:26coming out right out of the top of my head.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Anyway, bicycle face was a medical condition
0:13:30 > 0:13:33that would apparently only affect lady cyclists.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oh, yeah, that bird. He does your tax returns.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:49It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's got a brown head and it's on a cow.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I just don't want to know how it got the brown head.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I don't want to think about how it got the brown head.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Oh, stop it! LAUGHTER
0:13:59 > 0:14:03"That's as far as I can go!" "All right, stop there."
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Now flap. Now flap your wings!" "I can't!"
0:14:05 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12And we have to forget the cow in this instance,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14other than the fact that it's in its name.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18It is a parasitic bird, in a sense. A brood parasite.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Do you know what a brood parasite might be?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- What's a brood? - A family of parasites.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- If you're broody. - You want to have more parasites.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29You want to have... LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:31The type of parasite it is is a brood parasite.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That's to say it's parasitic in the way
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- that it occupies a host's birthing place.- Womb.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs, do they, birds?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Oh, I thought it was in the cow. - Oh, no, no. It's the bird.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- It's the bird that's the parasite. - Oh, OK.- It's a brood parasite.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It lays its eggs in someone else's nest.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER Living off the bird.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54That would be such a flaw for a parasite -
0:14:54 > 0:14:56to have to wait for the bird to land on you.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Running around getting underneath birds.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Painting an H on your own back.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- Well, that's... - Put a nest on your back.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11With a vacant sign.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Yeah, it's a brood parasite, it lays its egg like that.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- As does, more famously, our...? - Cuckoo.- Cuckoo.- Cuckoo, yes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Cuckoo's the Great British brood parasite.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24No. I did say, "Forget the cow,"
0:15:24 > 0:15:26but I knew that wasn't going to be a helpful remark.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen. - Yeah, well...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It's a question of why did the birds put up with it?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Why does the one that lays the blue eggs in this instance,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35allow that to happen?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Why doesn't he just get rid of the egg?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Is it...? - The answer is it does...once.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43If it tries it, a bird that's laid that egg will come back
0:15:43 > 0:15:47and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And the mother bird learns this and next time it builds...
0:15:51 > 0:15:56laboriously builds a new nest, laboriously lays her own eggs...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Next time a brown-headed cow bird comes along to lay their egg
0:15:58 > 0:16:01they go, "Yeah, you can have it, I'll look after it, it's no problem."
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- It's basically a protection racket. They're gangster birds.- Oh, my God.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Hence the phrase, "Make you an offer you can't refuse."- Ohh.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08But it works.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11So which one...was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14The blue eggs is like the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- for his family all these years. - Exactly, that's it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And then the other egg is the guy who comes round going,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"You're going to look after my egg, otherwise I'll come round..."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Or "You'll find a job for my boy, you'll find him a job."- Yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"You see this egg? You know what I'm going to do to this egg
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"if you don't look after the other egg?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And then he sma...and then he throws it out.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Eventually, cos it's evolution, they'll start spraying
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- their own blue egg that brown colour.- Yes.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it."
0:16:39 > 0:16:41You're right, that's quite likely, isn't it?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49That's what I'd do.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Good point. You'd think they would, wouldn't you?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Stop leaving a gap!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Anyway, that's brown-headed cowbirds.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Now, what starts with M and nearly destroyed the world
0:17:04 > 0:17:07470 million years ago?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Magneto.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15You try... I can feel us being led by this image...
0:17:15 > 0:17:16- Yes.- ..in a direction.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19You're right, I'm going to warn you, I'm in a good mood,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21do not say meteor or meteorite, or meteoroid.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Don't say either of those.- It looks like the logo for MasterChef.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Which is branding a pterodactyl. But...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- A m-earthquake. - A m-earthquake.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34That's what we hope happens here every week.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Is it mitochondria? Is it something, like, bacterial...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Well, it's a life form, you're absolutely right.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It's a life form that destroyed all other life forms,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44virtually, on earth.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46It was the Ordovician-Silurian extinction event.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- But it begins with M, this particular life form.- Mouse.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- It got rid of all the oxygen... Sorry?- Mouse.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56It wasn't a mouse. You've got the right consonants.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Consonants. All right. M...m...m...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- ..m...- M and a S.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04M and a S. It's wonderful how he's coming on, isn't it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- It's moss.- Moss!- Moss! - Yes, moss is the answer.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- How boring.- Wow. - Yeah, hard to believe. Moss.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17It was like a phage, it ate away at rocks...
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- Right.- ..even altering them chemically.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Hey, Cariad, there's an iceberg like your clitoris.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- LAUGHTER - You're learning!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I mean this, Alan, you can get more...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27If you've just joined the show...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I can usually predict almost everything
0:18:29 > 0:18:31that's going to be said on this show,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34but "There's an iceberg like your clitoris" is a new one for me.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37That's exactly what I was talking about.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Don't just work with what you see.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You've got to work with more underneath it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- Not moss on it, is there? - Yes, mate.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Keep the moss on, what's wrong with you?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46You don't want to look like a child.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Wear your moss and be proud, ladies.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Interestingly, you only get moss on the north side of a lady.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- That seems fair.- Oh, Lord.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It depends how long she's been at the bus stop.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06There's types of moss that destroy other types of moss,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08but it takes like sort of, you know, hundreds of years.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Yeah. - But if you were to watch it,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12you would see what is essentially a horrible war...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15There's moss that destroys itself, like Kate Moss.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER But...
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Now...
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Well, this moss used to eat the rocks and it would create
0:19:25 > 0:19:28a chemical reaction with phosphorus, reacted with CO2,
0:19:28 > 0:19:29sucked it from the atmosphere.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31So it was a whole series of these reactions.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33And that used up almost all the oxygen,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35destroying life forms everywhere.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It took about 35 million years for this process to work
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and it was 470 million years ago.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- We should keep an eye on moss now, in case it ever...- We should, yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46..gets an idea again to take over.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I've always had my suspicions about moss.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Have you?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Bitchin' about lichen.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:59APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Now, from moss to moths.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Why would you want to blow up a moth's penis?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Really the question should be why wouldn't you?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You've run out of balloons at a kids' children's party.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Blow it up like destroy it, or... - Inflate it.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Inflate it, yeah. - ..like, with a foot pump?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Using...- Flotation device.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It takes a certain kind of person to invent something
0:20:22 > 0:20:24to increase the size of a moth's penis...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- It does.- It certainly does. - It really does.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It takes an Australian.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And it takes a device that they've invented called...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- "Get your lips round that, fella." - Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER And it's called...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39"We're going to have to float downstream or we'll die."
0:20:41 > 0:20:43And it's called the phalloblaster.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50Now, the phalloblaster is what pumps up the penis of a moth...
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Come here little fella,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I'm just going to increase the size of your penis.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Shouldn't hurt.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Did we...did we answer the why...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Why would we?- Yeah, why? Why?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I love the idea that they blow up the penis,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- then let it go and it goes... - HE MIMES DEFLATING BALLOON
0:21:03 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER Well, what it is...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And the moths go, "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:13There are a lot of species of insect that are impossible to determine,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17the actual species, except by an inspection of the genitalia.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18- Right.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, some doctor said, "It's the only way I could find out
0:21:21 > 0:21:25"if it was a man, so I blew it and now I know."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28They used to use...
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"Because otherwise I wasn't sure. Leave me alone, Mary..."
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I thought moths were just butterflies from the '70s.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Ah-ha.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43So forward, the phalloblaster.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It uses a stream of pressurised alcohol
0:21:46 > 0:21:49to fill and inflate the insect's penis.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And if anyone knows about pressurised alcohol, it's an Australian.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56I don't think that's a...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Can we have two streams of pressurised alcohol, please?"
0:21:58 > 0:22:01That's not a scientific experiment, that's an Australian stag do.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It basically is.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06When the alcohol evaporates, you see, it hardens the tissue
0:22:06 > 0:22:11and then you're left with one much larger, hardened organ that...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14This is the sort of thing you should put in a kit for a teenage boy.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17How do they do this? Because, the thing is...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Have we come on to the why yet, as well?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Do they hold the moth and then do it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Because, you know, when you hold moths, the gold stuff
0:22:24 > 0:22:26comes off their wings and they can't fly any more
0:22:26 > 0:22:27and they have to walk home.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It explains why they're always trying to get to the moon, no?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Bloody hell. I'd be out of here, as well.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36They've been told there's spare penises up there...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I've had enough of this, I'm off.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43When you said "I'm off," it sounded like "I...moth."
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Like I... - Like a very thoughtful moth.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- Yeah.- I moth.- I moth. - Do take thee, other moth.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- I thought he was just talking Welsh. I-moth.- I-moth.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I-moth. Well, it's cowin' lush, either way. So um...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:00See, I speak Welsh.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Now, this man invented toilet vinegar.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06What other bright ideas did he have?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Waterproof fish and chips?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- NOEL:- The triple beard. - Yes.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Is it Thomas Edison? - It's not Thomas Edison.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- With the light bulb.- No... - Bright idea, you see.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You're right, very clever, that was brilliant. Smarter than we've been.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- Is it Jack Torch, inventor of the torch?- No.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Is toilet vinegar something to do with cleaning?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's toilet vinegar in the sense of toilet water.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36- It's supposed to be...- Oh, yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38But, in fact, it would work for cleaning.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41But if I told you his name, you might guess what he invented
0:23:41 > 0:23:43which is in a related field.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44His name was Rimmel.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Oh, did he invent...- Oh, make-up.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Particular kind?- The lipstick? - Lipstick.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Not the lipstick, no.- The blusher?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Not the blusher.- Mascara.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Yes.- Oh. - Absolutely right, mascara.- Yes.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Why weren't things going off then?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58If I'd said things, it would all have gone off.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Finally you've worked out the pattern...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07If you start guessing things, it goes off!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09That's how it works.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- It's just that fair. - Just cos she's a girl!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, now! Now then.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Ahh, she's a girl who knew the right answer.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Ahh, I can't believe it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22There's an urban myth that mascara contains...?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- Have you ever heard of this?- Dogs.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It is made of dogs. The French don't care.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You know what they're like. They're cruel.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Some people think it's made of bat guano. Bat droppings.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Oh, my goodness.- Bat gua... - It's because it has guanine in it
0:24:35 > 0:24:37and guanine is made from fish scales.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Robin, take that and make some mascara.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42He looks like...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Please.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Be proud of yourself.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Is bat guano poisonous?- Batman shit.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:53He was very much a perfume-y sort of person.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In plays in the Victorian era, as the curtain went up,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59there would be a waft of perfume for each scene, different perfume,
0:24:59 > 0:25:04and he would be credited in the programme - "Perfume by Rimmel."
0:25:04 > 0:25:06And now it's time for us to leave the maelstrom of miscellany
0:25:06 > 0:25:09and move into the murky waters of general ignorance.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Fingers on mushroomoids.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15After you die, what's the last bit of your body to stop beating?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19The internal section of the clit...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Now, you see... RHOD:- The foot.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:29It's known as the foot, Alan, in mountaineering circles.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- The foothills are the clitoris. - NOEL:- Oh, is it the shadow?
0:25:32 > 0:25:37Excuse me? LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Officially weird.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44APPLAUSE
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Well, just imagine if you were lying in a coffin
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and your shadow was going, "Great, what am I going to do now?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- LAUGHTER - "I could be someone else's shadow."
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Do you know about the little pulsing, beating hairs we have in our body?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Oh, in your digestive system?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59They're tiny. We have them all over the body.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02In the nose, not the nostril hairs, they're big,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but the tiny, tiny little...
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Like moss.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Like moss. They're called cilia.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- What, the little hairs in your nose? - Cilia.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- No, not the visible ones.- I was going to say, I feel really guilty,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I machined mine out this morning.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15They're like little...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Are they the ones that collect mucus?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Microscopic little bulrushes there,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and they beat in waves to pass things backwards and forwards.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You can test if you put saccharin in your nose...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I know it sounds suspicious...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You trying to get us into trouble or...?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"No, Officer, I'm trying something...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33"It's a QI thing. You put..."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Pulling up in a lay-by on the A40. "It's saccharin, Officer."
0:26:36 > 0:26:39If you put, just dab saccharin on your nostrils, right...
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Right.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And wait, don't push it up or sniff it up, or anything like that,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46just wait until you can taste it in the back of the throat.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Right.- And that's the action of the cilia pulling it up.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Like tiny elves passing to each other.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53So, yeah, they studied 100 cadavers, scientists,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and found that not only did the cilia keep moving for up to 20 hours,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00but the beat of them slowed down at a consistent pace, regardless
0:27:00 > 0:27:03of external factors, like temperature and so on.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- That's so sad.- It could help forensic investigators though,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- work out the time of death. - They kept trying to keep...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"Come on, lads. Keep going, he might come back."
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Why would they continue doing that?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Cos they weren't ready to let it go...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Let it go, cilia.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19They even transport molecules to the retina's light-sensitive cells.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- They're very amazing. - Quite useful, aren't they?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25They help propel sperm and waft eggs through the oviduct.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26That's...that's one for you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I have ovaries.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Just in case anyone who watched the programme didn't know that I had
0:27:34 > 0:27:37a clitoris, ovaries and a vulva, we've discussed mine this evening.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Yeah.- Thank you.- Shall I get my rainbow out?- Yes, please.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I've got a Ferris wheel on me cock so don't worry too much.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- We're both having a good time. - Everyone relax, everyone relax.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Shall I waft my eggs over to your Ferris wheel...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Yeah, oh-ho! Oh-ho!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I would say your matrimonial necessities
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- have had a damn good airing this evening.- Yeah.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00They didn't need it, they definitely didn't need it.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Well, that brings me to the matter of the scores
0:28:03 > 0:28:05and how fascinating they are.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Actually, really fantastic because way out in the lead
0:28:09 > 0:28:12with a magnificent plus eight is Cariad Lloyd.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Ah. - LAUGHTER
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I win.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22In a superb second place, with plus four - Noel Fielding.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:30And no disgrace to be on minus seven - Rhod Gilbert.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Incredible. I'm happy with that...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35And pretty good for him,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37minus 29 - Alan Davies.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Thank you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Well, that's all from Cariad, Rhod, Noel, Alan and me.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49And I leave you with this quote about mystery
0:28:49 > 0:28:51from Sir Arthur Eddington, the great physicist.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56"Something unknown is doing we don't know what." Goodnight.