0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening - and welcome to QI.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate Marriage and Mating.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47To help me tie the knot, I've brought along a few mates -
0:00:47 > 0:00:51the ministerial Bill Bailey... APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..the matchmaking Greg Davies... APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:05..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand... APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Maid of Honour?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12..and the Must We Really Invite Him? Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:21So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23TOAD CROAKS
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Oh, should I? Is that an animal?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- It's an amphibian. - I thought it was a...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, it's a frog of some kind?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's a marine toad.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:42And Jo goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44MOOSE CALL
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I do actually go like that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Well, that was a moose.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53And Greg goes...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56MONKEY CHATTERS
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's been a few years since I did that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- That is a spider monkey. - Of course it is.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Two animals for the price of one. - Wonderful.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So, Alan goes...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- MALE ESSEX ACCENT: - 'Hello, darling, you all right?'
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:17And that's the mating call of... Where do you come from, Alan, again?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Essex.- Yeah. There we are.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And then you have sex, that's how it works.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Everybody wins. Fantastic.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31MOOSE CALL Oh, Jo?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Dead vicar?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35It would be, you're right.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37MONKEY CHATTERS Yeah?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Live vicar, lovely couple, escaped Bengali tiger.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yeah, that would be tricky.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You've painted a word picture, Greg, there.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Let's think first about budget.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49The price of the wedding?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50The price of the wedding, yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Isn't it about 20 grand now? To get...
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Yeah, is that a good thing?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- I mean does that affect the long-term...- Oh, I see.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58So the more you spend
0:02:58 > 0:03:01doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a happier marriage.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It's actually the more you spend, the shorter the marriage.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Oh.- Yes.- Oh.- Really?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Isn't that extraordinary? - It IS extraordinary.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Mine should be over in a couple of weeks.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Cost a bloody fortune.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20It was a columnist at Emory University, Atlanta, who discovered this.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22They found an inverse correlation between money spent
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and how long it lasts.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Those who spent less than 1,000 - which is what, £700? -
0:03:29 > 0:03:32had divorce rates 53% below average,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34while those who spent more than 20,000 -
0:03:34 > 0:03:36you were talking about that as a sum -
0:03:36 > 0:03:39had divorce rates 46% above average.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41What about numbers who attend weddings?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Is that a similar inverse correlation?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45The more who come, the shorter the marriage?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I presume so, because of the cost factor.- Expense, yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oddly enough, the reverse is true.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56The more people who witness the wedding, the longer it lasts.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That seems to be the key.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03This is Randy Olson, a PhD student at Michigan State.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people are
0:04:06 > 0:04:1192% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- So really you want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve.- Yes!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Or maybe, if you want to have it cheap and cheerful,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21but lots of people, maybe somewhere like McDonald's, you might think.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23In Hong Kong.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27For 900, you can get 200 guests at a McDonald's.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- McDonald's Happy Marriage. - It's a Happy Marriage, yes! LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You get a two-hour venue rental,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38you get 50 McDonaldland character gifts.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40You get two McDonald balloon wedding rings.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yeah, but how many burgers do you get?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Come on, give us that info,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm thinking about getting remarried there.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You point to the bride, "Do you love it?" "I'm loving it."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- "All right..." - APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:02It's all over in five minutes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yeah. Put a ring on it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions, lovely, put a ring on it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Onion rings.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11If you love it, put an onion ring on it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Randy Olson from Michigan State, who discovered that we should be...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16I can't get a picture of an erection
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- with an onion ring on it out of my head.- Oh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- I get that.- How do you get a thought out of your head?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26What, like onion ring quoits?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- About onion rings?- That sounds great.- That sounds brilliant.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and it was a £10 limit.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And I went in... There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50and for under £10 the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Anal hoopla consists of a stick,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- which goes, guess where...- Oh, yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- And three hoops. - LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's...that's the actual game.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It's an ice breaker. It's an ice breaker.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- If things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area.- Come on!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- I mean, the tone of this show is SO difficult to get right.- I'm sorry!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm just, I'm recalibrating.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25- All this anal hoopla.- Who would have predicted anal hoopla?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28On the front of it, on the front of the packet is a cartoon drawing,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30a bit like a saucy postcard.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Two people playing,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Oh, my goodness, yeah. - I dare say it doesn't work.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Where was this for sale? At the ARSE-nal football ground?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Wahey!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44BILL SHOUTS GIBBERISH
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Thank you. - That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:55SHOUTS GIBBERISH AGAIN
0:06:55 > 0:06:56"No, thanks."
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Let's play Scrabble."
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Now, who's still having sex?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Not me.- Not me.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- I'll tell you what, these toads. - TOAD CROAKS
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- They're begging for it. - Begging for it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- But are they having it? - Are they having it?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Who's still having sex?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17What, long-term? Some animals lock together for ages, don't they?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Are we still... are we in the animal kingdom?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23in as much as you've spotted our phrase,
0:07:23 > 0:07:28"Still having sex," as being having sex in a still position.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Ah!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless
0:07:34 > 0:07:36when having sex that we could discover.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Is it nuns?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:42It's not nuns.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- It's a moth.- A moth? - It's a moth. It's a moth.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- And so...- There it is.- Oh, right.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54There it is, beautiful, beautiful moth. It's the gold swift moth.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And it's at its most vulnerable when mating.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Because it might move and exhibit ecstasy.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03So what it does instead is keep incredibly still,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06so that the bat doesn't spot the twitch, any movement.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions...
0:08:09 > 0:08:10(sexual positions.)
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- (Why are we whispering?) - Unique amongst...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Because we don't want to disturb it. Look, there they are.- OK.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Do you know what, you went all David Attenborough then.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24As though we were sort of... (just about to watch it.)
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat.- I was.
0:08:27 > 0:08:34AS ATTENBOROUGH: "On the left there is the standard, facing position.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down..."
0:08:37 > 0:08:38"See the tiny moth cock."
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Mr Moth and Kate Moth..."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Wahey!- Thank you.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49But they are a marvellous species, I think you'll agree.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yeah, the gold swift moth,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54it has to remain completely still when having sex.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Now for something completely different.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Who's still having sex?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05The, erm, gold...fish moth? What was it called?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- God, dementia already. - The swift.- Gold swift moth.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- The gold swift. - Oh, the gold swift moth.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14JAUNTY TUNE
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Well done. You get points for remembering.- Oh.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20We are so impressed, because it's very rare that anyone on QI
0:09:20 > 0:09:22can remember the question that's just been asked.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Oh, I was so close, I said goldfish moth.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25You were close. I know.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Is this a new thing, then? Master Of Memory?- Yes, that's right.- Wow!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Yeah, well done you. - Will we get some slightly easier ones, like our names?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Because my memory's terrible. - Mine's terrible.- Yeah, really bad.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- Isn't it?!- I love it.- I know.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Master of Memory!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Well done for remembering something seconds ago.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53FRAIL VOICE: "Is it Neville Chamberlain?"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Anyway... - "One of those rave parties."
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01So what was the question?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Eh? What?- Eh? What, what? - What was the question?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Who's still having sex?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yes, well done. You remembered that, good.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"I like a bit of kedgeree in the morning..."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So it's another question, who's still having sex?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction. - She's washed her smalls.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Oh, I suppose that's what it is. - Old ladies don't wear underwear like that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That one does.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- I think they're her husband's. - Do you?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:32So who's still having sex?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- It's a fetish. - A cult.- Another animal?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36A fetish about having sex with things that are still.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Oh, oh...- Oh, I see.- Statues?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Yes.- Oh.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Absolutely right.- Is it?- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46And what's the Greek myth of someone who fell in love with a statue?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Oh, thing.- "Thing," yes.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50- Can we do better? - What's it begin with?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- It begins with, well, the... - Pygmalion.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54The sculpture begins with P, Pygmalion, exactly.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Pygmalion is the sculpture of...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Yes! Memory, memory! - ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Thank you. That one person.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- APPLAUSE - Well, no, but...
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea and he fell in love with it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13And in the myth, the gods took pity and breathed life into her.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15But it does seem to be a genuine passion people have.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Even in Greek times, the first recorded case, Pliny claimed...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- And we love Pliny, don't we? - Yeah.- Oh, yes, yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Pliny claimed that Praxiteles' naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- which is the first naked female statue of that time.- Yes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Apparently she had a permanent stain on her leg from where
0:11:32 > 0:11:34a sailor got carried away.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- Wow.- Ugh.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39What you might call seaman stains. AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Seamen stains, yeah, well, it's true. Quite literally.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44But Cleisophus was a man who tried to make love to
0:11:44 > 0:11:46a statue in the temple of Samos.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50When he found the marble very, very cold, he changed his mind
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and laid out a piece of meat on the floor and made love to that instead.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- It's an incredible jump to make, isn't it?- It is, a species...
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"Oh, this statue's not working for me, get me down the butcher's."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It is a bit odd, isn't it? That would make...
0:12:04 > 0:12:09But surely a statue is only a kind of less giving blow-up doll,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- really, isn't it? Don't you think? - This is a really good point, Jo,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14because you've absolutely...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Yeah, thank you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Sex psychiatrists have -
0:12:21 > 0:12:24sexologists as they like to call themselves - were early on puzzled by
0:12:24 > 0:12:30the fact that this particular fetish seemed to die away in the 1950s,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33until they'd considered that maybe it was replaced by the love
0:12:33 > 0:12:36of blow-up dolls, as they arrived on the market.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40So it is, whatever that fetish is, that desire to...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I suppose it's to... so often the case, men's control,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44power and all that sort of thing,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47that you can control and have power over something that
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- can't answer back, that is inanimate. - Well, I saw...- Yeah?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54I saw a picture in the paper the other day of a very lifelike woman robot.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And I must admit thinking to myself, it's not going to be long.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- It isn't, is it?- No.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Wait a minute, that was Theresa May.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Now, who married Big-Mouthed Margaret?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Denis.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15KLAXON BLARES
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Well, how can you know Big-Mouthed Margaret?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Was it Tiny Todger Tony?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:35If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg, would that help?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Muckle being big and mou'ed being mouthed, Meg being Margaret.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Is it Rabbie Burns?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Well, no, but, astonishingly, you're in the right area,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49in as much as it involves a very - probably after Robbie Burns -
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- the most famous Scottish writer. - Wee Willy Winkie.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55The most famous Scottish writer after Robbie Burns.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Walter Scott?- Walter Scott, yes, brilliant.- Bloody hell!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00APPLAUSE Really good.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- You're on fire.- I'm on fire!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05You are on fire.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Yeah, and there you can see William Scott and the woman herself,
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14And William Scott was Walter Scott's great-great-grandfather,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and he stole some cattle off a man.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22And he was sentenced to be hanged, or to marry the man's
0:14:22 > 0:14:26incredibly, apparently, ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I know, it's... - What sort of a court was this?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33And William Scott said, "I think I'll be hanged."
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But at the very last minute he changed his mind and he married her.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And they had a very happy marriage.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And because of it, they had Walter Scott as a...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Even Robert Browning wrote a poem on it, because they all
0:14:46 > 0:14:49worshiped Walter Scott in a way that we don't any more.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Jane Austen venerated him,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55particularly the European writers, Balzac and others venerated him.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yes, William Scott said, "I do," to Muckle-Mouthed Meg.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And it's a good thing he did, or we wouldn't have Sir Walter.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06But who advised dissecting a woman before marrying one?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I think my husband said something similar,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10when we were a bit pissed one night.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Some great, one of the Victorian...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17He was a great, and he was 19th century.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oddly enough, I've mentioned his name today.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22He was a great writer.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23- Walter Scott.- No.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- Balzac.- Honore de Balzac.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Pliny.- Honore de Balzac is the right answer.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- I just said Balzac! I said Balzac! - No, he did just say that. He did.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- You didn't say the first name! - All right, calm down. There he is.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35There he is, I'd know him anywhere!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Did his fiancee hang herself?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Bless him.- Well, his fiancee stayed his fiancee for a very, very long time.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46He fell in love with a countess, who said, "You can't marry me
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"until my husband dies," because she was already married.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And it took 17 years.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Eventually they got married.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Five months later, Balzac died.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56So, he didn't get much use out of her,
0:15:56 > 0:15:57if that's the right word.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- I don't think it is.- No.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He wrote a book in 1829 called The Physiology Of Marriage,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06in which he said, "A man ought not to marry without having
0:16:06 > 0:16:10"studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- So, I mean a dead woman, he's not... - Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion. - It is a bit creepy.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I guess it's so he knows what's... the bits, where they all go.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- And where everything is.- Really?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22No, I hand my mother a cup of tea without knowing
0:16:22 > 0:16:24the workings of her hand.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- That's a very good point. - It's not very romantic, is it?- No.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- "Darling..."- Well, I don't want it to be, she's my mother.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:34There's a lot worse coming, which I'm not going to read you,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- because you'll never read Balzac again.- Ooh, great.- Oh, please.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39He said that "A man should weaken the will
0:16:39 > 0:16:43"and strength of a wife by tiring her out under the load of constant work,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"so that she has no energy left to cause trouble."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- He deserved a big spank, didn't he? - He was an early founder of Ukip.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:53 > 0:16:57And, very weirdly, he said, "Never allow her to drink water alone.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"If you do, you are lost."
0:17:00 > 0:17:01I mean, it's interesting,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05within a few sentences he is clearly just a fucking nutter, isn't he?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Yeah.- He's having a laugh, surely.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I'd find him hard to forgive if he wasn't such a looker.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Do you know the Rodin sculpture of him, which is fantastic?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's one of the great works of art.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- I've rubbed against it. - Have you?- No!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Now, what do monkeys spend their money on?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It depends on the monkey, doesn't it?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Your macaque will spend it on cigarettes and drink.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Your mandrill, DIY.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER Clever!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Very good. Man-drill.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Surely the macaque would spend it on lavatory paper.- Of course!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Oh, we're going that way, are we? Oh, OK. I see.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Food, I bet this...
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Is this going to be some sort of experiment where they got rewarded
0:17:58 > 0:18:01with something and they had to take it somewhere to get something else?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Like sort of a monkey thing? - Well, they actually were taught...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07they were taught the principles of money, monetary exchange.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08They were given silver discs
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and taught that they could exchange them for food.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12These are capuchins.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15So called because of their colours, the creamy top...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- They really do look at a camera lens, monkeys.- Those do, yeah.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- You see those shots of loads of monkeys all staring at a camera lens.- Yeah.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24If you've noticed, there's one of them who's not looking at the camera lens.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Quite notably, yes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Unless that monkey has had a very unfortunate accident with a camera.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Or he's looking for a game of anal hoopla.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Why are capuchins called capuchins?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Isn't it something to do with... - Cappuccino.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Cappuccino? Because they're coffee-coloured?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Because they are the same colour as cappuccino,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51cream colour at the top, dark at the bottom.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- But that's why...- Monks.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55That's right, it starts with the monks.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE
0:18:58 > 0:19:00What is going on today?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Something's gone wrong with me, I tell you, because normally...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured cowl and dark habit.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And so the coffee was named cappuccino,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- because it was creamy at the top and coffee below.- Oh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17And similarly, capuchin monkeys have that colouring.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It's impossible to take your eyes off that one, I want to.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I just imagine what's going on in his head.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25It is so severely inspecting, isn't he?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29"Mate, you've got a problem back here, seriously."
0:19:29 > 0:19:31"Something's just crawled into your arse."
0:19:31 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Researchers at Yale taught capuchin monkeys that in exchange
0:19:36 > 0:19:38for a certain number of tokens,
0:19:38 > 0:19:43they could buy a certain number of grapes or little cubes of jelly.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Once they grasped this, the extraordinary thing was,
0:19:46 > 0:19:47they really got the whole concept.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51One of the monkeys used their new currency to give to a female
0:19:51 > 0:19:53to have sex with him -
0:19:53 > 0:19:55essentially a prostitute.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And the female would then take the disc and buy herself a grape.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03So the money had gone, you know, through the system, as money does.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Anyway, what uses can you think of for a parachute on your wedding day?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Dress?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Yes! It's that simple.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You're running away with it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Well, normally I'm thick as shit,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I can't really understand what's going on. Anyway.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It was particularly in World War II, and parachutes were made out of?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- AUDIENCE:- Silk. - BILL:- Silk, yes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, exactly.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And any spare, or ones that were found in fields,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35were grabbed by grateful people to turn into wedding dresses.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39There was a village in 1941 where a German soldier
0:20:39 > 0:20:41landed in his parachute and he...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Didn't have a swastika on it, did it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46No, no, fortunately not! Or if it did...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49ALAN SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"I say, she's got a bloody swastika!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"I think that's in very bad taste."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Even if they were, it was great, because that village
0:21:03 > 0:21:05turned them into bloomers, you known, into long knickers.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Oh, that's all right, to have a swastika on your bloomers, though.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- Well, no-one would see.- I think it's positively encouraged, actually.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"There's something you don't know about me..."
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:22But there you see a wedding dress,
0:21:22 > 0:21:28and the majority of wedding dresses were not white until after the war.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30White was a more common colour than any other,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32but it still wasn't the majority.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Jane Austen's mother wore a bright red dress, for example.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And Queen Victoria had a white wedding dress,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43and that was quite a sort of fashion statement that people copied.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45But things didn't get really white
0:21:45 > 0:21:48until the age of the washing machine and things like that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Right, it was a luxury, afforded by the rich.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54And even in the '50s, people expected to wear their wedding dress
0:21:54 > 0:21:56again, it wasn't a one-off thing, as it is now.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58But I'll tell you an interesting thing about Queen Victoria.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03When she died, towards the end of her life...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- No, it's gossip and I feel guilty about telling you.- Go on.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09She won't find out.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12She was wider than she was tall.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Really?- So?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- I wore my wedding dress again, actually.- Did you?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Yeah. I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- LAUGHTER - Anyway...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Tell us about...more about old...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34She was 59 inches tall,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- and she was 66 inches wide. - Wow!- Bless her.- Really?- Yes.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- But wide or in circumference?- In circumference.- Yeah, I was going to say.- Sorry, not wide.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- She can't possibly have been... - No, no. Sorry. LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:48That's circumference. Yeah.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- I don't mean width, but I mean... - "Here she comes."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52All the way round was 66.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- "We're going to have to knock through."- Yeah.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Can't get through any of the doors.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01And that's how the Victoria Line was started.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05She needs a pew of her own.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14This is her bust size, I'm talking about. 66.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Wow!- 66 bust?- Yeah.- Crikey! - Good Lord!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- She was very short. - Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Her bloomers were sold, quite recently, for over £6,000.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Must have been an enormous swastika on there.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Almost certainly a swastika. - What do you think their waist was?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Bloomers start at the waist, they're like pants...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- 80 inches.- Well...- XXXL.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Yeah, they were XXX... There were lots of Xs, 52 inch waist.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- And she was what, what did we, how tall?- 4'11".
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- 59 inches. - 4'11". Aw.- Bless her heart.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- A tiny, little Queen.- Yes, she was!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Now it's time to enrol in the dreaded school of General Ignorance.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Name a monogamous bird?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Swan.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58KLAXON BLARES
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Sorry, we just had to get you there.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Penguin.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Penguin. Penguin from the audience.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Oh, does the audience want one? KLAXON BLARES
0:24:08 > 0:24:11APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- That's what happens... - We've got a dumb audience.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Yeah, you see.- Not so clever now.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:19- ANOTHER MAN:- Magpie.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21No, it's a nun, it's a nun.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Almost no birds are monogamous,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30even ones that are thought of as monogamous are not truly monogamous.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32They misbehave. They cheat.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I mean, the only one we've come up with is the black vulture.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Where you do genetic tests... - Nobody...- Nobody will have him.- No.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Ugh!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42A proud, handsome fellow.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Or girl.- He is monogamous? - He is, yeah.- Not by choice.- Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:51No infidelity is found by DNA testing,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53whereas in almost all the other birds...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Ducks are... They're dirty sods, aren't they?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Swans have also...black swans in particular - one in six signets is
0:25:00 > 0:25:04the result of extra-pair copulation, what we would call extra-marital.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Yes.- Despite the love hearts
0:25:06 > 0:25:08and the beautiful romantic shape that they make.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Other orders or classes of animal that are genuinely monogamous,
0:25:11 > 0:25:16apart from black vultures, are the flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18When a male meets a female, they actually fuse together,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21so they don't really have any choice in the matter.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So they remain faithful till death.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25And voles.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- That's very sweet. Look at that. - Aw!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29How can you not love a vole?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Everything eats them as well, it's such a shame for them. Yeah.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37- Owls in particular.- Yeah.- An owl can hear the heartbeat of a vole or...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- Or a shrew.- ..or something, from, when it's four feet underground,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- when it's flying overhead. - I know, it's amazing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45And they've got their concave face, the owls,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48it's like an echo chamber, and they can hear the heartbeat underground.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- Isn't that amazing? They say they can, anyway.- Yeah.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I was like that when I had my ears waxed
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and it was like that, you know, coming out of the surgery.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"Oh, my God, I can hear a vole four miles away!"
0:26:03 > 0:26:08I saw an owl flying for the first time in my life this year.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- And they make no noise at all, do they?- No.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- And apparently they're really thick. - Are they?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- They're not as wise as people have been going on about, are they? - No, apparently not.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Barn owls are really stupid, they don't even know where they live.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21They have to have the habitat built into the name.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"Where do I live? Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Well, voles are monogamous and charming
0:26:32 > 0:26:35and indeed their names are an anagram of?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Love.- Yes. Isn't that nice?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Well, many supposedly monogamous birds have a little tit on the side.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Who can marry you at sea?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50The captain of the ship.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51KLAXON BLARES
0:26:56 > 0:26:59A vicar who happened to be on the ship.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Ship's entertainer?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02No. No, I don't think so.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06That would be great, wouldn't it? "Des O'Connor's marrying you."
0:27:06 > 0:27:10The thing is, a ship's captain can't, and never has been able to.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- It's a total myth.- Oh. - Where's that come from, then? Why do I know that to be true?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16It seems to come from films, you know, all kinds of things.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders, it happens.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Look, Bill, there's your pipe character made flesh.- Oh, yes.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Oh, yes. It is, yeah. - Look at that moustache.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"Good God!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"I can't marry you, but I can have a bloody good go."
0:27:28 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"The things I can do with this moustache,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- "you wouldn't believe, madam." - "Extraordinary."
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"Ooh, oooh!"
0:27:41 > 0:27:45"You can actually play hoopla with this moustache."
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"And once I bring the pipe into play...
0:27:50 > 0:27:51"..you'll be begging for mercy."
0:27:51 > 0:27:52"Ooh, ho-ah!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:58A ship's captain is no more qualified to marry you than I am.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01So, to the scores. Oh, my actual.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Well, in first place, the blindingly, anagrammatically,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07factually gifted Jo Brand, with seven points!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Well done, Jo.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Plus 7, that's a rare plus.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20In second place, what a debut, with minus 4, it's Greg.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Well done, Greg Davies. APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29In third place, with a mighty minus 13, is Bill Bailey.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:37But never knowingly out-hopelessed,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39with minus 32, is Alan Davies.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41APPLAUSE
0:28:46 > 0:28:49It only remains for me to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53And I leave you with this wise old adage off a bumper sticker.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54"Marriage is like a hurricane,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"it starts with all that sucking and blowing,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"and in the end you lose your house."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Good night. APPLAUSE