0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Good evening!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42and welcome to QI, for the middle show of the M series.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Which is in the middle of the alphabet.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Where our theme is, well, not so much middle as muddle, to be honest.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52But we have the magnificent Aisling Bea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The mighty Danny Bhoy.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The magnetic Jimmy Carr.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And the miscellaneous Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And their buzzers are merrily multifarious.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Aisling goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Here we go round the mulberry bush,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# The mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Danny goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# This old man, he played one,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# He played knick knack on my drum. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# Three blind mice
0:01:35 > 0:01:38# Three blind mice. #
0:01:38 > 0:01:41It's like the soundtrack of a horror film.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42And Alan goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# My Bonnie lies over... #
0:01:44 > 0:01:45- BANG ON DOOR - Will you go to bed?!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47DOOR SLAMS
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Was that a gunshot?- I don't know.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51The bit at the end, yes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Well, the best place to start, I always think, is in the middle.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58How do you know when a chimpanzee is having a midlife crisis?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Does it get a Chinese tattoo?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Just on the back of his neck there. - A motorbike.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07A motorbike?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09CLAXON SOUNDS
0:02:14 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Where does the phrase midlife crisis come from?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21How long has it been in the language, do you think?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Do you think the Victorians used it? Do you think...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- I bet it's more recent. I bet it's like a '50s...- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Cos it was about buying sports cars and doing those kind of crazy...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32divorcing your wife and going out with someone of 22.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It was actually 1965
0:02:34 > 0:02:38that a psychologist decided on this midlife crisis.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41He thought that only geniuses got a midlife crisis.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42He used the phrase,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45but he said it was something that happened to geniuses.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- But we...- It's not only us. It's not only us.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Is it, Alan? You get them too.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Yeah.- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:53The awkward thing about midlife crises,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I've had some friends that have gone through them recently
0:02:56 > 0:02:58and they've left their partners, gone out with much younger women
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and they've bought sports cars, and the most difficult thing
0:03:01 > 0:03:03is pretending to my other half that,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"Aw! That's terrible. Isn't it sad?"
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"Aw, ah. God, he's had a disaster there.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"Yeah. No, apparently she used to be a dancer. Yeah."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19He's not... But is he happy?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Aw.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24He can't stop smiling.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27He showed me some photos on his phone, it looks amazing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Well, it turns out that chimpanzees, when they're young, they're high
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and when they get to middle age, they kind of go down
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and then up again, which is supposedly what a midlife crisis is.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Does it only affect the men, or does it affect the women chimps as well?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It seems to be a male thing, doesn't it? And I think...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Yeah. I hear that, sister monkeys.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Are those guys laughing at the ginger ones?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Well, the tests were done on the ginger ones,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53or orang-utans, as some people prefer to call them...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- The ginger ones, yes. - ..and on the chimpanzees.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03Now, what mania was started by a few myopic Merseysiders?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- # Mulberry bush. # - Weirdly, you know...
0:04:05 > 0:04:06- Yeah?- No, keep going.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Say something.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13- I was just going to say... - # Mulberry bush. #
0:04:16 > 0:04:18There's some support for it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I find the buzzers really disconcerting.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It does feel like someone's about to get murdered in the show.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- "Oh, go to bed!" - LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Those childish ghost cries.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32# Mice. #
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It's usually The Beatles.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Hmm.- Isn't it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Yeah, it's usually The Beatles.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- The Beatles is what you're saying. - It's usually The Beatles.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43He's saying The Beatles.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- CLAXON SOUNDS - # Mulberry bush. #
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Very good.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51No, is the answer.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Oh.- It was a mania, but not Beatlemania on Merseyside.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Myopic Merseyside. - It involves something to do with M.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Myopic is short-sighted, is it?- Yes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Partially-sighted. - So, what M could help you
0:05:01 > 0:05:03with partial-sightedness?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- My glasses. - LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Yes.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Any particular type of ophthalmic instrument
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- that would help, that began with M? - Monocle.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Monocle is the right answer. There we go, very good.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I only knew that cos there happens to be a monocle next to me.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It was a bit of a giveaway.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32There you are, pop 'em in.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34It was a fashion thing that seemed to sweep Liverpool.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I can imagine it taking off again, to be honest.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- You do look great. - You look very good.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Ah, Jimmy! - LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Oh, my goodness. - My old pal.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43What are you laughing at?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Jimmy, you've never looked more like a ventriloquist's doll in your life.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55So, Jimmy...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Oh, my! You really did look like Lord Charles there.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04HE LAUGHS
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I now feel slightly haunted.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Wow! Thank you for putting your hand there, by the way.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11It was really...special.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Your hair is all up.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15They won't fit because monocles had to be made to fit,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17which is why they were expensive.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And because they were expensive,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22they were associated with the upper classes.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23And even when you wear them,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26it's very hard not to look rather kind of like that, isn't it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28At what point in history did someone just go,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30make that mental leap between,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"I've got it here and I've got a little bridge here.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"I could maybe just put another one..."
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Well, it's funny you should say that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Which came first, the monocle or the spectacles?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I'm going to say the spectacles.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yes. The spectacles, by hundreds of years.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44- What?- When do you think the monocle came in?
0:06:44 > 0:06:461974.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53No. They came in, in the 1800s and they were instantly a success,
0:06:53 > 0:06:54but they were expensive.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58And we associate them with, I suppose...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Oh, there I am. - DANNY:- Yeah. There you are, yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02I had all three of those.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- DANNY:- They knocked that up pretty quickly.- Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06But something gave them a rather bad image
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- in the 20th century. - Californian vegetables.- Nazis.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Nazis, and in fact... LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Californian vegetables.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Buy Californian vegetables.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- By Jove, they're awfully good. - LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Yeah, they were associated with... - You do become instantly posh.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26..aristocrats, German soldiers and generals.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Ludendorff wore one, Krebs, various of those figures there did.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Ja.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Advance.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- They really did never stop... - No squinting.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- ..trying to look more evil, did they?- No, they didn't.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Well, what could we add to this?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I've got the, you know, the skull and crossbones,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I've got the weird look, I've got the steely eyes.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- They're a very good fit. - I know, I'll put one spectacle lens
0:07:45 > 0:07:46over here.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- GERMAN ACCENT:- What about a monocle?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Zat would make us more evil. A tiny moustache.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Anyway, now for a medical question.
0:07:55 > 0:08:02What malady could you ameliorate by standing in the middle of Wales?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Yes? - Er, Moby Dick.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Ha!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Stand in the middle of whales. - Moby Dick!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Ah.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, very good. Very good. APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Very good.- Whales or Wales the country, though?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Well, you see, this is the thing.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Not whale, the giant mammal.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You kind of deserve a little point for your Moby Dick.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Oh, do I?- Because I am actually talking...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26If you stood in the middle of a blue whale.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I know you're obsessed, but it doesn't have to be blue.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Yeah, but let's say it's blue.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35All right, blue. All right blue.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Because you know you can stand in one of those.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- You can?- They're huge.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yeah.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41They are quite big, aren't they?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Of course, they're not the biggest life form on earth, as you know.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hell no!
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Sorry, are we doing a 'best of' show?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51In some ways, it's the 'worst of'.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You two have had this conversation like a million times.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56What's the question again, Stephen?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Yeah, what sort of amelioration for what sort of malady
0:08:59 > 0:09:00could you expect, if you stood...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03A cream, an ointment? Some...a balm.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05No. No, this is...the act of standing,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07it's not something that's just taken from a whale.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11This is an example. This is in 1896 or thereabouts.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- This is an Australian... - Is that a dead whale?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17A drunken Australian found a dead whale on the beach...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Just say Australian, you don't need to beleaguer.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- I knew you'd say that. - Is that him there?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Yeah, that's him. ..and decided to walk into the whale.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29That looks like something from Embarrassing Bodies, doesn't it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30It does a bit.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- I've put on a little bit of weight.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- I've fallen into a bloody whale.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I thought a blowhole meant something else.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I feel like a bloody fool now.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I'll look for a malady and ameliorate it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Just the kind of language you'd use.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53But no, he got out of the whale...
0:09:53 > 0:09:54He got out, he stank.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56..and was amazed to discover...
0:09:56 > 0:09:57He could walk.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:01- That his...- He was sober.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03..his rheumatism had disappeared.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06We'd never have got that. We could have been here about a week.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I know. That's why I helped you out.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Thank you so much. - So it cures rheumatism?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Well...- But I mean, you can't get them at the chemist, can you?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16No, you can't. It started a fad, though. People...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Would go and stand in the middle of dead whales?- Yeah.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And whalers would leave a hole,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23a little, sort of, area for people who would pay
0:10:23 > 0:10:24and go and stand inside.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28And the decaying blubber would act as a kind of poultice.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Is there any kind of...? - I want to go now.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- No.- Total...- No evidence that it works at all.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35But it was just one of those fads that they had in those days.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- What a fun fad. - A fun fad.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- These days we've got... - Imagine if the monocle people went
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and they were standing there like, "Oh, I'm all for a fad now.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44"Here I am with my monocle, sat in a whale.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"I'll do anything."
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Well, yeah, that's it really.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Australians with rheumatism had a whale of a time.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54What would you find in a medieval manhole?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Do they keep their favourite things in it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Do they bury them in case of marauding pillagers?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We're actually in the Germanic regions here.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Obviously, there was no Germany in medieval times, but...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Is it access to drains?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Ah, no. It's a legal issue. It's a rather bizarre one.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16If a man wanted to take another man to court,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19in Germany and in England, they used trial by battle.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22In England, if a man wanted to take a woman to court,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24he couldn't use trial by battle.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26But in Germany, you could,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30but you had to dig a hole and be inside a hole
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and tie one arm behind your back...
0:11:32 > 0:11:33- LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- No way!- ..and then you could fight.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36- Yeah.- Yeah.- I feel like on this panel show,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I should be stood up like this and all of you should be down there,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- and I'm slashing around me jokes. - LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Erm... The man would be given three clubs
0:11:46 > 0:11:49with which he could, you know, try and hit the woman.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51And the woman would have rocks and a slingshot.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Now...- Did this actually happen, or...?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Yes. Oh gosh, yes.- Really?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58That should be surely be the other way on.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00He should have the slingshot and the rocks,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02if he's just stuck in a hole.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Yeah, I know. It's strange. - She can stand back quite a way
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- and just fire at him.- With stones.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Imagine then I suppose you can get right down in your hole, can't you.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Yeah. And just go round like that, with a club.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16If the man touched the side of his hole...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, that's... LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:20You know what I mean.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24If he touched the side of the hole, he forfeited one of his clubs.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Right. - And then he only had two clubs left.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27But, it's important to remember,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30whoever lost the battle would be put to death.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33So this is quite a serious thing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35They've already sort of dug the grave, so it's all right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Yes, that's true.- It's not as bad.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Pop them in there, fill it in, we're done.- Yeah.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- That's extraordinary. - Isn't it?- Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42- Yeah.- Anyway...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44That's what I love about this show,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46that sometimes we can all just go, "Yeah, fine."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Indeed.- Perfectly lovely. - That's quite interesting, yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Still on the medieval match-ups,
0:12:51 > 0:12:56what brilliant new strategy was employed by the England team
0:12:56 > 0:12:59in the European Championships of 1176?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Did they just do what they always do -
0:13:03 > 0:13:06get a really easy qualifying group?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08And Scotland got, you know,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- the Holy Roman Empire. - LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:13The Knights Templar and Spain.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And England...England get Lindisfarne.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18This is medieval again,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and it's early medieval, I suppose you might say.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's not football though, is it? It must be another...
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- No, it's not football.- Jousting?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Jousting came later.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- What happened in early medieval... - They need more space for that.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32..was that.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I know, they do, don't they? It's rather crowded.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36They're not getting enough of a run-up.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Yeah. Before jousting, the two with lances, you know,
0:13:40 > 0:13:41riding towards each other,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44there was something, which was a French word
0:13:44 > 0:13:48that we still use to mean a kind of fray.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- It begins with M.- Menagerie.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Not a menagerie. LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Menage a trois.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57A European menage a trois.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Melee.- Yes! A melee is what it was.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Well done.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08The original cast of Avatar in a melee.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13And we're looking at the 12th century,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- and the great king then was... - Henry II.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Followed by his son, Richard I, the Lionheart.- Oh, right.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23And they liked this melee when Richard wasn't out at the Crusades.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- I like it.- And...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"I do. It pleaseth me."
0:14:28 > 0:14:31And they saw this very good trick and they copied it.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33And that is, you tell them you're not going to fight today.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You know, "I won't do the melee today."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37And they go, "Oh, OK."
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And then they exhaust each other. And then you come with your lot saying,
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"I think I will actually."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And they're all completely tired, and you win.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What do you mean they exhaust each other?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Well, because they're running backwards and forwards at each other,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- running and running. - This is how I do a menage a trois.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I let them go for a while and then I come in late.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57They stole the idea off Philip of Flanders
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and it seemed to work pretty well.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02The sport is called melee and it's similar to jousting?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Well, the reason jousting then took on,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06as you can see from the picture, this involves a lot all at once,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08whereas jousting is cheaper.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09- Ah, I see.- It's simply that.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It was so much cheaper to have that.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And you've got champions at the jousting
0:15:14 > 0:15:16who appeal to the ladies.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18You know, the handkerchiefs and the favours
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and the rather extraordinary elaborate form of romance.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It's kind of funny that that would appeal to ladies.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's kind of like the version now for men for The Only Way Is Essex.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- That you don't actually know what someone looks like...- Yes!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32..because they've got so much fancy stuff and extensions on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34You're like, "Oh, he's gorgeous. Look at him!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35"I really like the look of him."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Then he takes off his thing at the end
0:15:37 > 0:15:38and you're like, "Oh, God!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"Maybe I don't like him."
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Going round in a miniskirt with a massive pole in your hand.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:45The chicks go wild.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Well, the first rule of knight club was to cheat.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Now, for a question about moral turpitude.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58What morally questionable activity will you finally be able to do
0:15:58 > 0:16:01on the streets of Knutsford in 2015?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Is the clue in the picture, Stephen? - Sort of, yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Does it involve nuts?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08No. Sadly not.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Does it involve bunting?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Nor bunting. And look lower down.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13What is there particularly noticeable?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Terrible shoes.- Oh. Look at them, oh.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Very bad shoes.- Yeah.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- The road.- Pavement's...- Parking. Double yellow lines.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21The pavement.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- What about the pavement? - It's small, very narrow.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It's a very narrow pavement. Thank you, Danny.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- It is a narrow pavement. - You can't have that.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30There's a reason for the narrow pavement.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Because...- Those two people are massive.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:37In the olden days...
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- Yeah?- A certain class of person virtually ruled the roost in Britain
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- and that was an aristocrat. - Oh, the bastards.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yes. Absolutely shocking people.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49And you had to throw yourself into the gutter if one approached you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Well, sometimes they had strong, stern and absurd moral views.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- And...- Oh, so they weren't allowed to walk...- Well, yes.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58- If you imagine...- ..side by side?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00ARISTOCRATIC VOICE: "I'm not having the working classes
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"next to each other in the street.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"cos it can only lead to touching."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I know you think you're doing a voice, but that is how you talk.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:14 > 0:17:16There's no difference.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Like a hair's breadth.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You are a beast.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Voicing the inner workings of the mind.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So, you weren't allowed to walk hand-in-hand with a lady?
0:17:28 > 0:17:29You could just walk behind her?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Basically, yeah.- I'm happy with that.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Well, the Lady Jane Stanley,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36who was the daughter of the 11th Earl of Derby,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- and she laid down this strict code of...- Single-file pavement...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Single-file pavements.- ..in case they touched one another.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Yes. She died unmarried, as you might expect.- Yeah!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48She wrote her own epitaph, apparently, which is,
0:17:48 > 0:17:53"A maid I lived and a maid I died. I never was asked and never denied."
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I think that's not bad, considering she was dead.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yes, quite.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Fair enough.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01But perhaps the most famous prude of his era was a little later,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04in the 1870s - a fellow called Anthony Comstock.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Comstock, was from New York
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and founded a league against lewdness of any kind.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12He saw it everywhere. He hated it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16He'd been in the civil war, didn't like the swearing, apparently.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Yeah, that's the worst thing about war.- Yes, I know.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Especially that civil war, you know? I mean...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24They've blown my fucking leg off!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Now, now. Language.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28"I'm going to fucking kill you."
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Please, could you just kill me? Thank you."
0:18:30 > 0:18:33But the particular tragedy that struck him in 1873,
0:18:33 > 0:18:34after the war,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38was a friend of his - who was addicted to pornography - died,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41supposedly having masturbated himself to death.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:46There's a lesson in there, Jimmy.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'm happy to report, Stephen, that cannot happen.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52You're just not trying hard enough, boy.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54HE LAUGHS
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I thought you looked pale, Jimmy.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Comstock believed that anyway.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Yes, he founded the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and for nine years in its height, from the '70s to early '80s,
0:19:03 > 0:19:08the society was responsible for 700 arrests, 333 prison sentences.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10So, almost a 50% success rate on its arrests.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14And fines totalling 65,000, which was a heck of a lot then.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17The seizure of roughly 65,000 articles as well.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Articles for immoral use of rubber, etc.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:26As late as 1927 they were still going
0:19:26 > 0:19:28and they managed, reprehensibly,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31to shut down Mae West's Broadway play, Sex,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and had her imprisoned for ten days.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Really?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36There was the Comstock Law, which made it a federal offence
0:19:36 > 0:19:41to send obscene matter - for example, contraceptives - through the post.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It was finally overturned in '36 in the wonderfully named case of
0:19:44 > 0:19:48United States versus One Package of Japanese Pessaries.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:54The US was always going to win that one.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It was, wasn't it? I think so.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I've never had...I've never had, in 14 years,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02people eating sweets in the front row.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04What the hell?!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And I can't think about anything else.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Thanks, Jimmy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You can have them back at the end of the lesson.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I feel really bad for those people,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28because, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and then suddenly the telly gets up...
0:20:30 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:35..and nicks your sweets.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I didn't press the red button, what's going on?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Anyway, what did the French do with marmosets
0:20:47 > 0:20:48that normal people did with cheese?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- I have no memory of that whatsoever. - That's Alan!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, we all remember our student days.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Forget the marmoset.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Right, forget the marmoset.- I say normal people do with cheese?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- What do we do with cheese? - I put it on bread or crackers.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Put it in the back of the fridge for six months, then chuck it out.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Think laterally.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Not the substance, not the food even.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15What else is there?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Cheese.- Oh, not...not on some sort of, no...
0:21:18 > 0:21:19- No, don't.- Oh, Jimmy.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Not the substance.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Not any substance at all.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Say "cheese". We say "cheese". - That's it! Thank you, Danny.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Very good.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So do the French say "marmoset?"
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- They do.- They say "marmoset"?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well, they used to. I put it in the past tense.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40That makes me go, "Oh, no wonder." Cos that makes you go like this...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and that's what old French people look like in photos, "Allo. Allo."
0:21:43 > 0:21:44We have a Frenchman in the audience.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47We have Vincent, who's come all the way from la belle France,
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- from la Republique.- Bonjour.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Let's just listen to him shouting marmoset in French.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Ouistiti.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Ouistiti. Brilliant, thank you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And the point is, we smile when we say the...
0:22:03 > 0:22:04- Which titty?- Which titty? - Which titty?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Ouistiti.- This titty...- Which titty? - ..or this titty?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Which titty?- This titty or this titty?- Ouistiti...
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Which titty?- Which titty will make you smile?- Which titty?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It does make you smile, just saying "which titty?"
0:22:17 > 0:22:19If you stretch your face to say "ti-ti".
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Titty.- Titty.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- As you do to say cheese. - Little titty, big titty.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Exactly.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And other languages, of course, have other words, or used to.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I don't think it... But people Blue Steel now, don't they?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- They Blue Steel it. They don't... - Well, there is that, unfortunately.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37But do you know of any other country's words?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Yes, the Danish...- Yes? - Yeah, what? Yeah?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42They say "orange".
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Well, they don't say the word orange, do they?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well, I don't know what it is, but I remember someone...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It's the Danish for orange. Do we have Danes in the audience?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- There's one.- Oh.- You're Danish?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It sounds like apple, doesn't it? Say, if you could...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Appelsin.- Yeah, there we go.- AISLING:- Appelsin?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58A pussy?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Appelsin.- Where titty, a pussy?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Which titty? A pussy.- A pussy.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- This is... Europe is filth! - Europe is filthy.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And in various other languages, we have Serbian,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- I don't suppose anyone. Well... - I don't think they smile in Serbia.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Do we have any Slavs in the audience?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19No, we don't.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22"Little bird" in Serbian is ptica.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Tee-chee-tsa.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Tee-chee-tsa.- It might be the same in Russian, I don't know.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Iticheetza! - LAUGHTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Iticheetza! Iticheetza!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Iticheetza!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Honestly. Korean you might get, cos it's their favourite thing.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Eating dogs. - AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Kimchi.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Kimchi.- Nuclear.- Kimchi, yeah. - Kimchi.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43They love their kimchi.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Argentina and some other Latin countries
0:23:46 > 0:23:48is actually an English word they say. Or Scottish.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51A Gaelic word, I should say. 'Usquebaugh' means whisky.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Usquebaugh?- Yeah, whisky.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- Or water of life, isn't it? - Usquebaugh.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Ah, usquebaugh is the same in Irish, in Gaelic as well.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Except you put an 'e' in it when you make it English.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02No, we don't put an 'e' in it, because that's really...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07They did for one 48-hour period, yeah.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Bulgarian is... We don't have any Bulgars in the audience, I'm sure?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- There's one!- Weh!- A Bulgar! - You're joking, really?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Is that what you say, a Bulgar?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You don't say you're a Bulgar? Bulgarian?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- I am Bulgarian. - And what would you say if...?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- We say "zele". Yes!- Zele. Which means?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- Cabbage.- Cabbage, yes.- Cabbage.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Good God, very good.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36The sad thing is that they've tended to die out.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Not because people do Blue Steel, as you were saying,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40but because the Americanisms and British even,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42they say "cheese" or "smile".
0:24:42 > 0:24:44People go "hmmm" and they just do it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Isn't it sad? People saying smile, how awful.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47No, I didn't...
0:24:47 > 0:24:52So, now it's time to run screaming into the disaster zone
0:24:52 > 0:24:54that we call General Ignorance.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56So, fingers on buzzers if you please.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59When is the best time to charge your mobile phone?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00At night.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Well, good. Yeah, it might be. Any other thoughts?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Oh, really? I thought that would go off.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Yeah. When it's completely almost run out of battery.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- CLAXON SOUNDS Oh!- Oh!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17If you've got an iPhone, it's every 15 minutes.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It used to be the case with an old phone.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Nokia would go on for weeks.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Yeah! Look at that beauty. Bring 'em back!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28That's like one of the most modern,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"Oh, it's not like it was in the old days."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35These phones of that generation used what sort of batteries?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Lithium?- Lithium. - No, nickle is the point.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And if you charged it when it was 20% full,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42it wouldn't remember the rest of it, as it were,
0:25:42 > 0:25:43it was called memory problem.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44So, you had to drain them.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46You had to use them completely, so that it would charge
0:25:46 > 0:25:48the whole battery.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51But we use lithium now and that isn't a problem any more.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53But here's a great thing about batteries,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55and I'm going to demonstrate this to you,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and I think it'll be rather interesting.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00We're just talking about ordinary AA batteries here,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02whether or not they're charged or...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They have a thumb thing on them now, don't they?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- I would, I would use... - Well, but they did the thumb thing,
0:26:07 > 0:26:08but they've got rid of that, haven't they?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10They never quite worked.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It was supposed to shine a... go green or something.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Yeah, yeah, go green and there was like a press thing.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I would attach it to my nipple clamps
0:26:16 > 0:26:18and see if it gives me a buzz that I need.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Here are two batteries.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22How can you tell which one is flat, as it were,
0:26:22 > 0:26:23which one is drained of power
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- and which one is still powerful? - Try it on you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Some magnetic thing. - It's nothing to do with magnetism.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I'm going to slip them through these copper sleeves
0:26:30 > 0:26:32so that they're both facing the right direction
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and should both fall at the same time.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So you can count me down from three, two, one and drop, all right?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39The whole audience can join in.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- ALL:- Three, two, one, drop!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45All right, let's have a look at that.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48In theory, an empty battery should bounce more.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51- AUDIENCE MURMURS - Oh!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And that is the case that this is the one which has been drained.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's to do with the gel inside the batteries.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And when they're drained, it's hardened and so it bounces more.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Should we do an apology now for people breaking their mobile phones?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Presumably someone is at home going, "Is this charged?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- You could try it with that. - Seems all right.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09There you are, isn't that good?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Couldn't you just buy new batteries? - LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I just didn't think of that.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Right. Yes, the best time to charge your phone
0:27:25 > 0:27:27is any time you can find a power socket.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30All of which brings us charging towards a battery
0:27:30 > 0:27:35of very extraordinary scores, which will amaze and astonish you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Not.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39So, in first place, what an extraordinary debut,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Danny Bhoy on ten points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51In second place,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53half as good, but still brilliant,
0:27:53 > 0:27:54five points to Jimmy Carr.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm happy with that. I'll take that all day.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Five?!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00That's good.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03In third place, with -7,
0:28:03 > 0:28:04it's Aisling Bea.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Who does that leave us, I wonder?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Well...
0:28:13 > 0:28:16-44 for Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Well, that's all from Aisling, Jimmy, Danny, Alan and me.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28And I leave you with these wise words
0:28:28 > 0:28:32from Pulitzer Prize winner, Anna Quindlen.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"Life is not so much about beginnings and endings
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"as it is about going on and on and on.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"It's about muddling through the middle,"
0:28:39 > 0:28:40which I hope we've done this evening.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Goodnight. APPLAUSE