0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:32How lovely!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Very nice! Lovely!
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Thank you very much.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42where tonight we are nurturing nature
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and our guests are a natural selection.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47A natural woman, Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53A natural gas, Ross Noble.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A natural resource, David Baddiel.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And a natural disaster, Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And we have a natural selection of buzzers.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Cariad goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19BUZZER CHIRPS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Oh, that's rather pretty, isn't it? Ross goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24BUZZER HONKS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I went out with somebody like that once.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30David goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32BUZZER TRUMPETS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Wow. Alan goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36BUZZER YAPS EXTENSIVELY
0:01:43 > 0:01:45SHOTS FIRE AND YAPPING CEASES
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I don't know if that means you can ever press it again.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I'm afraid to, in case another one dies.- I know.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Question one concerns the most natural noise in the world.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why do bees hum?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08People hum,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I've noticed this, when people are a bit embarrassed.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Oh, right.- Because they don't know what to say
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- and I wondered if bees did it. - Yeah, so, no.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Is it something to do with pollen?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Yes.- So it's about finding pollen?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22It is to do with pollen.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Is it sending out a vibration?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Absolutely right, absolutely right, that there are bees...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It looked like people were going to applaud, there,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31but they weren't sure if they wanted to applaud.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Some bees, not all bees,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35literally shake pollen out of flowers
0:02:35 > 0:02:37by humming very loudly at them.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Do they?- Isn't it astonishing? They hold on to the flower and they beat
0:02:41 > 0:02:44their wing muscles phenomenally fast and those rapid muscle contractions
0:02:44 > 0:02:47produce forces of up to 30G,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51so that is about three times what you would get from a fighter jet
0:02:51 > 0:02:54making a tight turn. I mean, it's absolutely astonishing.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's also the reason why they banned sex toys from Kew Gardens.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Because... It's true...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Is that actually in the rule book? "No sex toys"?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11That's certainly why I got thrown out!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- They got confiscated.- Exactly.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15HE IMITATES BUZZING
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"What are you doing?! We need that pollen."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"I'm sorry, I can't turn it off!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:22How big was the sex toy?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25That was like a fishing rod!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- I don't want to know. - She's a very lucky woman, my wife.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But it is incredible,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33that thing you can see on their leg there is called a corbicula
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and it is the little basket that they keep the pollen in.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Scientists, they did research and the best bit of the bee
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- is its knees.- Oh, right.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Shortly followed by the testicles of a dog.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- All in science, all in science. - No, I'm glad you brought it up.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00There is a bee that, when it goes near, it creates, like, electricity.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So this is an extraordinary thing,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04it can also harness electrostatic forces,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07so when a bee flies through the air, the friction that it causes,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09it causes their bodies to build up a positive charge.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12This is incredible - when they get close to the flower,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14which usually carries a negative charge,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18the grains of pollen literally jump from the plant to the insect.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21They learn to distinguish the different electrical fields around
0:04:21 > 0:04:25different flowers so they can tell which plants have nearly been depleted of pollen
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- and they don't bother with it. - Do they work for npower?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30- You said some bees.- Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Some are electric, some are acoustic bees?- Yes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35There's a wasp in the background going...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"Judas!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And they don't hum, they go...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- HE HUMS:- I'm good in the library...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47That does sound like...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Dylan obviously sounds like a bee, doesn't he?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Yeah. He does.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And that's why, a lot of his gigs, pollen all over him.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57HE SINGS
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He's got terrible hay fever.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Has anybody ever heard bees having sex?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was one of the worst porn films I ever saw.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- There it is, in fact.- They got kicked out of Kew Gardens for that.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17The extraordinary thing is, that it makes an audible sound.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It's a very female centred society, the women do all the work.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I know, Cariad, no change there.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- No change.- And the drones, the boys,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28their sole job is to mate with the queen and hardly any of them get a
0:05:28 > 0:05:31chance to do so, but if you manage to mate with the queen,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35once you have done so, your phallus ejaculates from your body,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38the whole thing tears off with an audible pop.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39CARIAD LAUGHS
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I've finished!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I think most blokes would think that's worth it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, it actually plugs up the vagina.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54That's the whole point, it stops the semen coming back out again.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56So all of the drones want to mate with the queen,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59but only a very few of them are able to do so.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02It's like Beyonce and Jay-Z, so many want Queen B,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06she chooses one who lets her down and then she steals his phallus
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and makes an album about it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18She has sex with multiple drones and then...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Beyonce?!- Not Beyonce!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24What does she do with all the spare, er...?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25The spare?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28They get ejected eventually, she gets rid of them.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30That must be intimidating,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32you go in to see the queen and they're all on a shelf.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It's not a shelf! It's a dartboard!
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Don't open the door!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49The bee that's just had sex with her,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52he walks out and there's a big long queue and then his cock just hits
0:06:52 > 0:06:54him on the back of the head.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"Take that with you!" "Sorry."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Now, describe nature's Top Gear.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Nature's drugs?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Oh, is that a thing? Drugs? - Gear, you know, your gear, man.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Don't...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"I've got some top gear for you."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19OK, it's not gear in the sense of drugs.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What other kind of gears are there?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- In a car.- The cogs of something.- Yes, yes, yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Nature is full of tremendous wonders and nothing I think more wonderful
0:07:27 > 0:07:30than the immature planthopper or a nymph and gears.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Now, you can't really tell cos it's a massive picture,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35but they're only three millimetres long.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I'm really glad that's a massive picture.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40They tend on the whole to move very slowly cos they don't want to
0:07:40 > 0:07:42attract attention, which is really sweet,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46but they are able to jump up to one metre from a standing start.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48So, that is 300 times their own body length.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Imagine if it was me,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I would be able to jump from a standing start a third of a mile.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I'd love to see that.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And now, the thing is, if you jump that far
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and you don't get your timing spot on,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03you spiral out of control, so they have little tiny,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06tiny gears that enable them to synchronise their legs
0:08:06 > 0:08:09within 30 millionths of a second.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13You can see here, the top of each hind leg has a circular set
0:08:13 > 0:08:17of minute teeth, and just before takeoff, the insect's thighs,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19they squeeze together.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You can see they're kind of ratcheting up,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24causing the teeth to mesh like gears and the legs are then locked
0:08:24 > 0:08:28together and then they can thrust off like that in perfect unison.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29That's amazing.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's amazing, but it looked like CCTV of it,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35so I wonder if it committed a crime.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"Seen fleeing the scene!"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Nobody will be surprised to hear that cows emit a lot of methane,
0:08:42 > 0:08:47so what would you use to ensure your cow meets emissions standards?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Is this about cows farting?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Well, it doesn't come out just one end, does it?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Farts don't come out of just one end?- No, the methane.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- Oh, are they burping as well?- They do.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I know how they feel. It's difficult if you're a gassy lady.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Are you a gassy person?- I'm so gassy.- Are you?- Yeah, it's insane.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Are you responsible for global warming? Is it you?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06An area of North London, yes.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- That's me, soz.- I don't know why it is that some people are and some
0:09:09 > 0:09:12people aren't. In my entire life - this is a very odd thing to admit -
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- I have never farted.- What?!- What?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Seriously. That is a very bold claim.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- I know.- So what you mean is you haven't let rip?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- No!- Have you found yourself ever rising off a seat?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Or perhaps you just have incredibly taut buttocks.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I'm happy to take that claim, yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Only dogs can hear them.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45- Oh.- They're just in a different frequency from everybody else's.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's no wonder our dog goes mad every now and then.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Is the dog down there, going, "Blame it on Sandi"?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Come on, now, what are we going to do?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58We need... So, a badly tuned car belches out all sorts of pollutions.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- What do we do?- Is it something to do with what you're feeding them?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Erm, no, it's an actual device.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04A catalytic converter?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It is, a catalytic converter for cows.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11These particular catalytic converters go in the nose
0:10:11 > 0:10:13of the cow, so they go like that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16That's a scientific drawing right there!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Very technical.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Is that a gin and tonic going into its nose?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24It doesn't have to be cows, it can be sheep or goats or whatever
0:10:24 > 0:10:28and the apparatus is retained in the nostril by one or more springs or
0:10:28 > 0:10:33other mechanical devices and configured to ignite in the presence
0:10:33 > 0:10:35of methane gas.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Incredible, because then it would be like a sort of a cow-dragon.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yeah.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And then late at night, if you were lost in the hills...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44- Yeah.- ..warm milk.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Ah, here's the thing. You don't need to get lost because it can also be
0:10:48 > 0:10:50fitted with a GPS tracker.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Is it actually succeeding, this,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56in stopping the methane emissions from cows?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Not yet. It's a brand-new notion as to how to do it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Something that is succeeding is fistulating cows.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- What, they've got holes in? - Yeah, they've got holes in them.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I've seen this. When you look in, all it is, is grass,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12like a big hopper full of grass, honestly, it is,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16and I seen a documentary where a doctor or a vet, I suppose...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'd hope so.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20..put his arm in, rummaging around and showing you the...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It's really weird and the cow's just standing looking, it looked fine.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26They don't seem to be in the slightest bit bothered by it. It is a sort of rubber cannula...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It unscrews, a bit like a petrol can, and you're quite right,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31you can put your hand right inside the cow.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Why might you want to do that?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Because he's got a very busy day and you want to have
0:11:34 > 0:11:37a business meeting with James Herriot.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41He's got his hand up the cow's bum and he goes...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- You shake his hand. - ..put it in, shake the hand...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48You've sorted that deal with James Herriot.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- That's it.- So it just vents? It vents the cow?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53No, you actually want to get to the stomach contents.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Why might you want to do that? There's something in there that...?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Yeah, so, basically,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00you may have a sick cow and the cow that is fistulated
0:12:00 > 0:12:02is perfectly healthy.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04You want to get some of the bacteria from the stomach
0:12:04 > 0:12:09of the healthy cow and give it directly to the other cow.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- It is a cunning plan. - It IS a cunning plan.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14You also can check exactly what the nutrients that the cow was eating,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16how they're breaking down in the stomach.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Isn't it...?- It doesn't bother them in the slightest.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Are you sure?- Absolutely.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Honestly, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It would bother me, I think, if I had one of those here.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Which is a shame, because we were going to do...
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- an experiment.- Yeah, come on, that would be a hell of a party piece,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- though, wouldn't it?- What? If you had it in your head?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38No, no, just, you know, "Baddiel's here, come on,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"let's see what he's had for dinner."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Then if you were a bit peaky,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45someone would reach inside and give my bacteria to Ross Noble.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- That's what would happen. - It would be a strange thing.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yeah, like, say you had the last French fancy...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You can't just have it if you wanted my food.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54That's not how it works.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57You've understood that the French fancy direct from his stomach is not
0:12:57 > 0:13:00going to look as attractive as when he first ate it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01That's the thing about Mr Kipling,
0:13:01 > 0:13:07he makes such exceedingly good cakes whatever form they're in.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Anyway, what's the point of licking your own eyeballs?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh, quite a lot of animals lick their eyeballs.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Lizards do that.- They do. Why do they?- For moisture.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21For moisture. So this is the palmato gecko, lives in the Namib Desert,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23so that's kind of Namibia, South Africa, that area.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's one of the driest places on Earth,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28so it needs to use all its ingenuity to get moisture,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30so it gets a little bit of moisture from its diet of insects,
0:13:30 > 0:13:35but it perches on a sand dune and it waits for the early morning fog
0:13:35 > 0:13:38to condense as water droplets on its absolutely massive eyes
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- and then it licks it off with its very long tongue.- Wow!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- That is very clever.- They also don't have eyelids, so licking also helps
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- to keep their eyes clean.- I mean, to be fair, I have been to that desert.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I rode a motorbike across that desert.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- I've been to that desert, too. - Have you?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Fight, fight, fight!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Lick your eyes, lick your eyes!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's amazing, it's an incredible place.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Yes, extraordinary and incredible. Quick supplementary question,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04what do they call a ship of the desert in Namibia?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05You mean a camel?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07CLAXON WAILS
0:14:09 > 0:14:11How stupid of me.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The question was "in Namibia".
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Is it not camel, it's the other one? - What's the other one?- Dramadon?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Dromedary?- A Dromadon's from Star Wars.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Hey! There is nothing wrong with something from Star Wars.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23There are different kinds,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26there are Bactrian camels and there are dromedaries.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Do you know how you can remember which is which?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- No.- Cos one's got two humps and one's got one.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32The dromedary begins with a D, which is one hump,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and the Bactrian begins with B, which is two humps,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38so that's how you can remember, and it's completely the wrong answer.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Is it a Toyota pick-up or something like that?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- It's nearer that. - It's an actual ship.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- It's an actual ship.- I know this, there's a coastline...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Don't click your fingers at me!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Sorry! I wasn't clicking them AT you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Suddenly I've turned into a waiter with no English!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Skeleton Coast.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, the Skeleton Coast in Namibia. Skeleton.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yeah, stop saying skeleton!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00You should have your own separate programme about Namibia,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03where you can fight about how much you love...
0:15:03 > 0:15:07This is sort of extraordinary to see a ship right in the desert like that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08That's the so-called Skeleton Coast.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12It's long been a menace to shipping and carcasses of hundreds of vessels
0:15:12 > 0:15:15litter the coast but you also get silting and encroachment
0:15:15 > 0:15:19of the desert, so you sometimes get ships as much as 500 metres inland.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22There are ghost towns as well in Namibia
0:15:22 > 0:15:24that are completely covered in sand, but you can go and stay there.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Yeah, a bit like Tatooine.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Star Wars.- Star Wars. - Star Wars reference.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35- ROSS:- Star Wars.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37OK, Star Wars. OK.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Moving on.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:44What does the world's fussiest eater eat?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Correct.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Is it something that is so fussy it just doesn't eat and then dies?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53No, it is very specific.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56It only likes one thing on the menu.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Is it bees' penises?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Well, you're not far off the area that we need to be looking to.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05It's so deeply unpleasant,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09there are few parasites who have cornered a market so decisively.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It's a little leech.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14It rarely sees the light of day because it lives
0:16:14 > 0:16:15up a hippopotamus' bottom.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17That is where it lives.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23It's called the placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin, right?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29So, if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32it really has to go to the rectal region because that's where
0:16:32 > 0:16:34the blood vessels are, the skin is vascular.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Where the best restaurants are.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Seriously, best place to hang out.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It is literally a pain in the arse, this leech.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42So it's a big, gaping hole, like that, and it's like...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43HE GURGLES
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Much like the sarlacc pit.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Here's the thing, has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54No, I've not seen that.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Well, it's the most extraordinary thing, because they are noted
0:16:57 > 0:16:59for the violence of their bowel movements, OK?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02So, they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03I know how they feel, guys.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08A hippo is incredibly...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11We went to a zoo in Spain and they had a hippo
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and they are incredibly heavy.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Yeah.- They weigh 3,000 kilograms.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17What were you doing at this zoo?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- What do you mean?- Come on.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I wasn't carrying it! It's got a little plaque,
0:17:23 > 0:17:24you can read all about it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I thought you were going, "Come on, kids!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:31There's no-one here, we'll get another one!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33They're incredibly heavy but they're incredibly dangerous.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35They weigh the same as 150 people.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36I made that number up.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Oh, sorry. He was just saying it wasn't 150 people.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I just made that up. It might be about 50.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- I was trying to get attention, that was...- Yes.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Why are the bowel movements so violent? I'm interested.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Well, OK. So, it is extraordinary.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on while...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It has a fantastic grip.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00which provide incredible anchorage.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03So, while this poo is spraying everywhere...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And we don't know the reason, but there's a really nice story,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08which I like, which is the San people, which is the wonderful
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- hunter-gatherers of Southern Africa...- The Sand People, you say?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Oh, yes!- Yeah, you've got to be careful,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21cos they're a lot more aggressive than the Jawas.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Yeah.- You can get them mixed up easily, but those Sand People,
0:18:24 > 0:18:25don't trust them.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It's like I've moved into a parallel universe.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31The thing about the Sand People is, they always travel in single file.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Do they?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- IMITATING ALEC GUINNESS:- Beware of the Sand People.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37What...?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Yes, Ross, is it something helpful?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Yeah, it is. It is.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43I have a slight confession.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Yes?- Right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I recently,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- whilst bored in a hotel room... - Yeah.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51..er... No!
0:18:53 > 0:18:59If you go online and type in "hippos pooing", there are...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there. Why would you do that?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Just, I was...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Start with the dogs.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Work your way up. Bears.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09In the woods.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16And there are huge amounts of videos of people
0:19:16 > 0:19:17- filming hippos at zoos...- Yes.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20..who, the tail goes up and they go...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22It's unbelievable.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25People... I don't know how it...it just sort of...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33You've got a leech.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39There's a reason that the hunter-gatherer people
0:19:39 > 0:19:43of South Africa, the San people, which I really, really like...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So, when the creator assigned each animal its place in nature,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48the hippos really wanted to live in the water,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50but it was feared that they might eat all the fish,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53so they were finally allowed to live in the water on the condition
0:19:53 > 0:19:56that they would eat grass instead of fish and would fling their dung
0:19:56 > 0:19:59so that it could be checked and inspected for fish bones,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00and that is the reason.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Isn't that sweet?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Is this scientific research?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Yes.- Yes. It is.- OK.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Now, can you describe a bearded tit?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17If anyone says "David Baddiel", I'm leaving.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Well, once you get past 30, it does happen.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30No woman should be without tweezers.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31No.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Or the skill of plaiting.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- That's true. Give the children something to hang onto.- Exactly.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Save on a sports bra. Tie them together around the back. Bosh.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Off.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I sometimes feel, when I speak to you, Ross,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47that I haven't thought things through.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51All I'm saying is, "You're welcome."
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Thank you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55There are many, many tits in the woods, aren't' there?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56There are, my darling. Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Is this not one of them?
0:20:57 > 0:21:01No, it's not a tit at all and, indeed, it hasn't got a beard.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It has, in fact, got a rather fine...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06what I can only describe as a Fu Manchu moustache.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It's not even closely related to - can I call them "true tits"?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11- You can.- I'm going to.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It's more accurately called the bearded reedling.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19It's actually a unique songbird and no other living species seems to be
0:21:19 > 0:21:21particularly closely related.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I wonder if the person who invented
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- the word for birds that are called tits...- Yeah.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28..how upset they would be to know that now no-one
0:21:28 > 0:21:30says them without sniggering.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Unless when he did it, he was like, "tits".
0:21:35 > 0:21:38He's the same bloke that, when he had chickens, he went, "cock".
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Yes!
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Come on!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I don't know how you boys get there so quickly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So much focus on something so undependable. Now...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Oh, yes, there's been a regime change.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Are you saying your tits are undependable?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Seriously, it is a weird thing, isn't it?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Boys are constantly fiddling because your bits are not the right place.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21You never see a woman going, "Oh, how's that got up there?"
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You see it all the time.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25My Gran...like that.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- DAVID:- Your gran used to do that?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Was your gran Les Dawson?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Which naturally brings us to the matter of general ignorance.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43So, a nice, easy one to start with.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Which animal can jump the highest?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46- Yes?- Flea.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Oh!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56It's not the flea.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's the kangaroo.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Uh-oh.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No. The record, in fact, for a red kangaroo is ten feet
0:23:03 > 0:23:05over a pile of timber, so we're looking for something
0:23:05 > 0:23:08that can jump higher than that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Yes, Cariad?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12That one we learnt about earlier that has cogs for legs.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- The planthopper?- Yeah.- No.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Again, no.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Anybody any more for any more?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- ROSS:- A monkey with a jet pack.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- DAVID:- Could be any animal with a jet pack, to be honest.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- ROSS:- No, because you need to have the straps over the...
0:23:29 > 0:23:30The monkey's got to hold on.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34If you put a jet pack on a horse, it's standing like that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It's just going to shoot straight...
0:23:38 > 0:23:39He's prancing.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Its side. You could put it on its side.- That's two jet packs.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46We sometimes do experiments on this show and why that hasn't come up...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50It's not that. It's not that. It's not even on land.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Dolphin. Flying fish.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No, it's the shortfin mako shark.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58It can jump 20 feet clear of the water.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- That's terrifying. - Isn't that unbelievable?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Then pluck something out of the sky?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Yeah. A monkey on a jet pack.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07More than a dolphin, even?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yeah, it's one of the fastest swimming fish as well in the world.
0:24:10 > 0:24:1335 kilometres an hour. 22 miles per hour.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15But it is the highest jumper.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Wasn't flea right, relative to the flea's size, though?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Ah, but that wasn't the question.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Which animal can jump the highest?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Not in relation to its body size.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Oh, you're so strict.- I know.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- I like it, though.- I know you do.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Fleas can jump, vertically, to a height of about seven inches,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34which I suppose, for a flea, is a fantastic amount.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Frog hoppers, which is also a tiny little bug,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39they can jump four times further than fleas and they're heavier
0:24:39 > 0:24:41as well, so a bit more impressive.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Now, what do wolves howl at?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Not the...- Oh, no.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Yes?- Women walking past not wearing enough because they're very sexist.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- I like that and I want it to be correct.- But it's not.- It's not.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That's what always got me about the idea of the wolf whistle,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59cos wolves can't actually whistle.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01So, like, strictly speaking,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03if you're a builder on a building site and a woman walks past,
0:25:03 > 0:25:04you should go...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09But what are they howling at?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- DAVID:- Are they howling at other wolves?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12- The moon.- The moon?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- No.- Other wolves.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It is other wolves. They're very intelligent animals.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18They have very strong family ties and rather complicated
0:25:18 > 0:25:21social relations and they howl in order to communicate.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It so happens they sometimes howl when the moon is out.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Would you like to hear a mouse howling at the moon?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Yes, please!- Here we go.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29VERY HIGHPITCHED SQUEAK
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- DAVID:- Is that your mic feeding back?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Isn't that the sweetest thing?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35That is brilliant.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40That is the southern grasshopper mouse of southwestern USA and Mexico.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's also known as the wolf mouse because it has a reputation
0:25:42 > 0:25:44of howling at the moon.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45I love these little creatures.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47They're extremely aggressive hunters.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49They catch and kill all sorts of prey,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and they have a resistance to poison.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54They can actually catch and kill and eat
0:25:54 > 0:25:57a scorpion while it's repeatedly stabbing it in the face.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00I think they're astonishing.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01I like little and aggressive.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I have no trouble with that at all.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07How many earths does the Moon have?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Yes?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13One.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19So, there's a staple question,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"How many moons does the Earth have?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:24At various times, you'll get different answers. Two, several, one, more.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27They're all arguable answers, but this is turning the question on its head.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30How many earths does the Moon have?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Now, if you asked me about the ice planet Hoth...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37We'd be in there. We'd be in there straightaway.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38- DAVID:- It's more than one, then?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Well, it depends on what theory you believe in.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43So, the most widely accepted theory of how our moon was formed
0:26:43 > 0:26:47is the big splat, OK. That proposes it was created...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48By a hippo?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53About four and a half billion years ago, there was a collision
0:26:53 > 0:26:56between the Earth and another Mars-sized planet known as Thea.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00And we've always assumed that the thing was a glancing blow, right,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and Thea would have spun off into space and left a large debris from
0:27:02 > 0:27:04the collision and that is our moon.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06There's a more recent development of this idea,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09which is that the collision was head-on, in which case,
0:27:09 > 0:27:14the Earth is a fusion of two planets and it would mean the moon, in fact,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16has two earths.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18If that is the thing that we believe.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Which brings us to a nice, natural ending.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26In last place, with minus 23, it's Alan.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:34In third place, with minus 16, it is David.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:41In second place, with minus five, it's Cariad.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:47And tonight's winner, with minus four, it's Ross.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00So, it only remains for me to thank Cariad, David,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Ross and Alan, and, as we seem to have wandered onto the moon,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I leave you with this tale from the News of the World long ago.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10A Guinness heiress yesterday protested that a busload of
0:28:10 > 0:28:16cheeky airmen mooned at her when she visited the Greenham Common Peace Women.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"I don't know if they were American, because I only saw their buttocks,"
0:28:19 > 0:28:21said novelist Lady Caroline Lowell, 51.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Goodnight.