0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Welcome to QI, where tonight's show is frankly a lot of nonsense.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Not helped by stultiloquent poppycock from Holly Walsh.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Nagmentory codswallop from Nish Kumar.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Fribbling gibberish from Philll Jupitus.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And the Alan Davies from Essex.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15And their buzzers sound like nonsense too. Holly goes...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'The trouble with kittens is that...'
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Nish goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22'While they're sat on the mat, they get fat...'
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And Phill goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'They grow and they grow, and the next thing you know...'
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And Alan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30'Your kitten's a boring old cat.'
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Love that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35So, your first task tonight is to say something
0:01:35 > 0:01:40completely nonsensical, that sounds profound.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42That's what I would like.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Nish, have you got any thoughts?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51I always find that when people say, "I make my own luck,"
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- I think that is the biggest load of nonsense.- Yeah.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Because, if you make it, that's not luck.- Yeah.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- That's not how luck works.- No.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Phill, have you got a profound sentiment for me?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It's the centenary this year of the establishment of the Dada art group,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11set up at Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Richard Huelsenbeck was a Dada artist
0:02:15 > 0:02:19and he wrote a long poem called Fantastic Prayers.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And a couple of sections from it are...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Birribum, birribum
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"The ox runs down the circulum
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Voila, here are the engineers with their assignment
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"Light minds to throw in a still-crude state.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Some showers."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Is it part poem, part weather report?- Basically.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Whenever you say anything nonsense like that, I always think...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- LOWERS INTONATION - ..falling slightly at the end of it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It just becomes shipping forecast to me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49What about you, Alan?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, I like things that sound like proverbs.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And the important thing about them is that they are always reversible.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So I've come up with a couple.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01You can change your mind, but you can't change your brain.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Oh...- That's so crazy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07The alternative is, you can't change your brain,
0:03:07 > 0:03:08but you can change your mind.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Wow, that's the sort of thing a teacher would say to you
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- and nod as if it meant something. - It means bugger all.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Another one is, you can't jump without landing.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Equally, you can't land without jumping.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I just need time to think about that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This is the sort of thing we should definitely be smoking weed
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and listening to.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Like, you would be a weed guru with this stuff.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38There's a geezer with a sticker factory in Kettering now
0:03:38 > 0:03:40who is writing all these down.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"This is gold!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Have you got any profound thoughts for me?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Well, I just like, when you're standing on a train platform
0:03:48 > 0:03:52and they go, "Any unattended items will be destroyed without warning."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55And I'm always like...
0:03:55 > 0:03:56- that IS a warning.- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- It makes no sense to me. - Does that include a child?
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Is a child an item?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I bet you'd sell a lot of children's t-shirts if it just said,
0:04:08 > 0:04:09"I am not an unattended item."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Do not destroy."
0:04:14 > 0:04:18There's a fantastic website called the New Age Bullshit Generator.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What it does, it takes buzzwords from New Age tweets
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and it combines them to create syntactically correct,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25profound-sounding nonsense, such as,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29"Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty."
0:04:31 > 0:04:32That's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39"The infinite is calling to us via superpositions of possibilities."
0:04:39 > 0:04:42These all just sound like Morrissey lyrics.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45# The infinite is calling to us. #
0:04:45 > 0:04:46I really like them.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"Perceptual reality transcends subtle truth."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I think we've all felt like that at some point.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"Consciousness is the growth of coherence, and of us."
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So, here's the thing - Canadian researchers asked subjects
0:05:00 > 0:05:02to rate the various sentences I have been reading out
0:05:02 > 0:05:04on a scale of one to five, OK?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08The statements received an average score of 2.6 - "somewhat profound."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10And the researchers concluded,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"These results indicate that our participants largely failed
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"to detect the statements are bullshit."
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Many people can't tell profound truth from complete nonsense,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25but then again, as a wise man once said,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27no leg's too short to reach the ground.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Talking of legs of different lengths, why's netball nonsense?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- It's just the worst sport ever. - Oh, my goodness, yes.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I think you and I could do an hour on this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44It should be banned, because it's not fair, it's a load of crap,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46it favours tall people, who already do better at school discos,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49getting off with boys anyway, and the whole thing is not fair.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- It's just not fair!- Wow, Holly, we've really opened some old wounds.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Oh, yes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57They have a thing in netball called a chest pass, right?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59And I used to get them in the face.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Did you used to have one of those bibs with SG on it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06For "short girl"?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11But they put you against somebody, some girl, six foot tall,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13who's going to mark you, and she just stands there for the
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- whole time like this. - Just doing that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18This is what she does, she does this. For, like, 40 minutes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21That. And that's it, that's all you can do. It's so galling.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22One of the great puzzles of netball,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24apart from why anybody would want to play it,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26is that it has tremendous restriction on movement.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28So, why would you want to restrict players
0:06:28 > 0:06:29to certain areas of the court?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Isn't it just to avoid contact?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33No, cos it's a very small court.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37No, it's due to a misunderstanding.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39So, what happened, the men's game, basketball,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41invented by a man called James Naismith in 1891,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45and there was a PE teacher called Clara Bear of New Orleans,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and she asked if he would send a copy of the rules.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51So, he sent the rules and it contained a drawing of the court
0:06:51 > 0:06:54with lines pencilled across it showing the area the various players
0:06:54 > 0:06:59could best patrol, and she misinterpreted this to mean
0:06:59 > 0:07:01that players couldn't leave those areas.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04She then wrote that into her version.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Then it got worse. In 1983, a gym teacher in Massachusetts
0:07:07 > 0:07:09called Senda Berenson modified it further,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12because she thought it was unseemly for young women.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13So, she banned tackling and she instituted
0:07:13 > 0:07:16the three-second time limit for holding the ball
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and basically didn't think people should run backwards and forwards
0:07:18 > 0:07:21because the girls' hearts would become what she called
0:07:21 > 0:07:23hypertrophic if they ran too far.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Rounders was always the best of all sports.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Yeah, I liked rounders.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I was dreadful at all sports.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I was the first kid in my school to be put into remedial rugby.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35They gave me a round ball, because they were like,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38"This kid's going to have his eye out on the points."
0:07:38 > 0:07:40At school we had three divisions for swimming.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42We had A, B and C, and I was in F.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45That's "floating".
0:07:45 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Do you like kabaddi? - Do I like kabaddi?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I don't like it, I LOVE kabaddi.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Kabaddi is an Indian sport. If you don't know what it is,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58it's like somebody looked at the game of rugby and thought,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01you know what the problem with this is? The ball.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04We just get rid of that. And it's also the only game where the
0:08:04 > 0:08:06players stand there and just go,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Is that it? Is that the whole thing?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13What you have to do, one man will be sent out by one team
0:08:13 > 0:08:17and he's got to try to touch the end zone. And the other team,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20they're usually linking up and they've got to try to touch him,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22but if he touches them, that's basically it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- It's tag?- Is it British bulldog?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It's sort of like British bulldog and tag.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's very much kabaddi, OK.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I won't have this imperialist conquest of our sports.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's the only sport where, during the sport,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36you just say the name of the sport.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It would be like a footballer kicking the ball
0:08:39 > 0:08:40and just going, "Football".
0:08:42 > 0:08:43That's fantastic.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Now, from nonsense to neuroscience.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50What's the worst noise in the world?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52'Do you know...?'
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Yes?- I believe I've mentioned it before tonight.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57That would be Coldplay B-sides.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Not everyone applauding. Quite a lot of people going,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"I LIKE Coldplay B-sides."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10So, we have some props. You can make some noises.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Oh, hello.- Let's have a look.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13So, let's start with Nish and Alan.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15BEEP
0:09:15 > 0:09:16That's very irritating, isn't it?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Oh, god.- All right, stop it.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LOUD HORN
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Do you remember what that is, Nish?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- This is a vuvuzela. - It is a vuvuzela, yes.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Which ruined the 2010 World Cup.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29It's a hideous noise, isn't it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Luckily I have grade seven in vuvuzela, so we're fine.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33HONK
0:09:33 > 0:09:35SHRILL SCRATCHING Oh, Alan, Alan.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Fingers on a chalkboard!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That is awful.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47A RECORDER IS PLAYED TUNELESSLY
0:09:52 > 0:09:54We've got a band going, don't stop!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58SCRATCHY VIOLIN
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I've got a mirror and this cube of white stuff...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Is the most annoying sound in the world me on drugs?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think...this is polystyrene.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Yes.- And...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17SQUEAKING Oh!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20The Journal of Neuroscience did the top-10 most annoying sounds.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Apparently the most annoying is a knife on a bottle,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24but we haven't been able to work out why that is.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27This one we can do. This is number two.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- A fork...- Oh, God.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:32I got the power.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- FORK SCRAPING ON PLATE - Ugh, stop, stop, stop.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Aargh!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40That's very unpleasant, isn't it?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42This is the old... Yes, yes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44SMOKE ALARM
0:10:44 > 0:10:48What is worse than this, is when it just goes...
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Doot!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Oh, yes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53And four minutes later goes...
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Doot!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And you can't work out which one it is. It's somewhere in the house.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Doot!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06The thing I love about any sort of smoke alarm is that
0:11:06 > 0:11:08we've advanced so far technologically,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and yet we still haven't got beyond the only way to solve a
0:11:11 > 0:11:14smoke alarm is to have a tea towel and just do this underneath it.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I was in a hotel once, and I was...a bit pissed,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and I fell asleep on the bed in my clothes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24And then I was woken up by this terrible noise in the room
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and I thought, "What is that?" This, "Whee-whee-whee!"
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And there was this thing on the ceiling
0:11:29 > 0:11:32and I started hitting it with my shoe, as hard as I could,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and then it fell off the ceiling and it was dangling by a wire.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And then I rang reception and said,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"There's a thing in my room making a terrible noise."
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And they said, "That's the fire alarm, sir, will you please evacuate."
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And I said, "Oh, just so you know, when it went off,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"it kind of fell from the ceiling."
0:11:57 > 0:11:58And then I went out on the street
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and I was the only person in clothes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08So I can possibly top all the noises that we have had so far.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Has anybody ever seen these being played?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12- Ah!- Is that...?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Yes, it's an extraordinary noise, but here's the thing,
0:12:15 > 0:12:191761, Benjamin Franklin was visiting in Cambridge, in England,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and he saw the glasses being played and he thought,
0:12:22 > 0:12:23"I can improve on this."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And he developed something called a glass armonica.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31It's 37 bowls and they are mounted horizontally on an iron spindle,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33and they're turned by means of a foot pedal
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and the sound is then produced by touching the rims.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39There it is. It is the most extraordinary noise.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42They're painted different colours, according to the pitch of the notes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Franklin used to play this at dinner parties,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and it really took off, and thousands were built.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52There was a factory employing over 100 people making glass armonicas.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Lots of the performers were women.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57There was a woman, Marianne Davies, and she toured all over Europe.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00She taught Marie Antoinette to play the glass armonica.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- There she is.- "Here we see Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08That's one of the worst sounds in the world,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Marie Antoinette pleasuring an armadillo.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"I'll get you a tune out of this armadillo, you just watch me."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I have important things to tell you about the glass armonica.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Crack on, girl, crack on.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22No, I want to know about pleasuring an armadillo.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24My brain's gone off in the wrong direction.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26So, anyway, it got a very bad reputation,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29because it was thought at first it had a sort of soothing effect
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and then eventually people thought it drove you mad to listen to it
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and would even summon the dead.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37And people who played it said they got mental anguish
0:13:37 > 0:13:38from the vibrations.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41In fact, the chances are they were getting lead poisoning
0:13:41 > 0:13:44because the lead was leaching out of the glass and into their system.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Do they revive them and get them out for the Proms
0:13:47 > 0:13:48or anything like that?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50The only time I ever heard one played
0:13:50 > 0:13:51is outside Paul Revere's house in Boston.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54There's woman who plays and you give her money to stop.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Now, make of this nonsensical question what you will.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Who blows their nose for something to eat?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03My children.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There might be some good bacteria in your mucus.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09That's what I was told about children,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12doing that does actually help the immune system,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- to consume their bogeys.- Yeah.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Was that one of your children that told you that?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"It's very good for me, actually."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24There is a conflict of interest there.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Is it an anteater?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Is it an anteater?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Well, they suck up ants through their noses, don't they?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Yes, but we are actually looking for something that blows its nose.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Blows its nose.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Yes.- Bird? Mammal.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Bird...- Mammal...- Mammal...- Bird?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Are you trying to psyche me out so I tell you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- I'm trying, I'm trying. - OK, it's a worm! You did it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, well, here's the extraordinary thing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Have a look at this.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54This is...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Make it stop!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It's called a nemertea, or a ribbon worm,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14and it literally blows its nose.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17So it explosively injects its proboscis from its body
0:15:17 > 0:15:19in search of food.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21They are also known as proboscis worms.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Is that snot then? - No, it's its nose.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27When they detect food or prey, the muscle contractions of the body wall
0:15:27 > 0:15:29forces the proboscis, literally its nose,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32out of the body and turns it inside-out, like a rubber glove.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Right.- OK. And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38and it's got these branching, spaghetti-like tentacles
0:15:38 > 0:15:41on its proboscis which then envelops the prey
0:15:41 > 0:15:45with a sticky toxin and draws it back into the body.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Are you telling me that it ate that bloke?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Let's have another look. Let's have one more look. - No, let's not!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- It's amazing, isn't it?- No!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And again!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now, name a nonsense museum.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- The Leicester Gas Museum? - Is there a gas museum?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Yes!- I want to go.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16I went there, it was amazing,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and the guy who runs it is a James Bond lookalike.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21But he asked us to guess who he was a lookalike of
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- and we didn't get it, so I'm not sure how successful he is. - That's not so good.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Does he look like a specific James Bond?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29He looks like the Scottish guy.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Is it unlucky to mention him?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- "You're not allowed to say..." - The Scottish Bond!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"..The Scottish James Bond."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40And because we were so enthusiastic,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44he gave us some British gas tracksuits from 1988.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Is he supposed to give away the exhibits? That doesn't seem right.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51My favourite, there's a Pencil Museum in Cumbria.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52- Yes.- It's brilliant.- In Keswick.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Keswick. It's got the world's biggest pencil, which is massive.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You go and they show you how they make pencils,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00they show you how pencils were invented,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03you can have a pencil with your name on it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It's like, the best museum in the world.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Until I went to McLean in Texas,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09where they have the Barbed Wire Museum.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- NISH:- How do you get in?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Barbed wire is the thing that changed
0:17:18 > 0:17:21the entire face of America, because that thing that we think about,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23the Wild West, was only about a 20-year period of history
0:17:23 > 0:17:26because barbed wire came in and it was impossible
0:17:26 > 0:17:29to drive cattle across the country, so it's hugely important.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- But it is an extraordinary museum. - Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"That piece of barbed wire there, that's over 200 year old."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Anyway, there is actually a Nonsense Museum.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44The Nonseum in Herrnbaumgarten in Austria.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49It was founded in 1994 and it houses a collection of absurdist icons.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51So it has things like the selfie rifle.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57One previous owner.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59This crockery set, I think, is a very useful thing.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00This is divorce crockery.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And these are keyhole-shaped spectacles for voyeurs.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And the next one is something I absolutely would like to have.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15This is a biological lawnmower.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21That's not a real sheep!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24But there's also some very good stuff.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27The US Patent Office is a tremendous place to look for nonsensical items.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31For example, the Behringer vacuum cleaner, this is a depressing thing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's from before the time of the electric vacuum cleaner.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Basically, the man's had a busy day and he comes home and he sits in his
0:18:36 > 0:18:38rocking chair, reads the paper, smokes a pipe,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42and he rocks, and the action of rocking enables the woman,
0:18:42 > 0:18:47quite rightly, to do the hoovering.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51The worst example of these is the centrifugal birthing machine.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55So this was invented in the 1960s by a George and Charlotte Blonsky,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57who I can only imagine did not actually have children.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59So, women were strapped to it and rotated
0:18:59 > 0:19:01at a speed dictated by the doctor.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05And when it was delivered , the baby landed in a net...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:10..which triggered the machine to stop.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I love the idea that all other midwives were like,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi..."
0:19:18 > 0:19:20That would be awesome. What a way to come out.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Something that would be like that would be a birthing trebuchet.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Yeah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26So you're labouring away
0:19:26 > 0:19:30and then they strap you to a catapult, but then, bang!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33It's like getting ketchup out the bottom of the thing.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Just the force of the boom. They'd be, "Whoa!"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You've forgotten the cord, Phill.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42That baby's coming back.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Anyway, moving on.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52In America there are three places called Fort Nonsense
0:19:52 > 0:19:54but only one called Nowhere.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57What's the official name for the middle of nowhere?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01There is a place in the world that is the middle of nowhere.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Where, Croydon?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I'm from Croydon, so I can say that, OK?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's the centre of the least-populated bit?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You're absolutely in the right area.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13So where would you find the least number of people?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Not necessarily on the land, maybe?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Oh.- The ocean?
0:20:17 > 0:20:18It's a part of the Pacific.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It is as far from land as it is possible to get on the Earth
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and it's called Point Nemo.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It is 1,700 miles from any coast.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Named, of course, after the submarine captain
0:20:29 > 0:20:31in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- And there's a Starbucks there, right?- Yeah, there's a Starbucks.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Nemo, Latin rendering of the ancient Greek Outis, meaning "nobody".
0:20:39 > 0:20:41It's also known as the oceanic pole of inaccessibility.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43And here is the extraordinary thing -
0:20:43 > 0:20:47you'd think there's nothing there, but it is a spacecraft graveyard.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51There are more than 160 spacecraft littering the ocean floor there.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I have to say, they're mostly Russian.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So here's the thing - it's much cheaper to allow
0:20:55 > 0:20:58the orbit to decay naturally than to push it out into space.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00But when they know they're going to do this to a spacecraft
0:21:00 > 0:21:03they have to see if there are any sailors in the area
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and ring them or contact them by radio and make sure that they know.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09And if you pass Point Nemo at the right time of day
0:21:09 > 0:21:13you'll be closer to the astronauts on the space station,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17250 miles away, than to any other human being on Earth.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Isn't that extraordinary?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And now it's time for the most nonsensical bit of all,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29More than 1,000 stone examples of what are found on Easter Island?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30'..old cat.'
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Giant heads.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34KLAXON
0:21:37 > 0:21:39APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:41There are giant heads, they're called Moai.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42There's 187 of them,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44but it isn't the thing that there's more than 1,000 of.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48There are more than 1,000 - 1,233, in fact -
0:21:48 > 0:21:50chicken stone houses.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52There they are. And here's the extraordinary thing -
0:21:52 > 0:21:55there are no trees on Easter Island.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I thought you were going to say there were no chickens!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00No chickens, they live in hope!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03The chief came out and said, "We must build houses for the chickens.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"When the chickens come."
0:22:07 > 0:22:09But the chickens, they never came.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10"What shall we put in the chicken houses?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"Wait for the chickens!"
0:22:13 > 0:22:14"Make some heads. Make some heads!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Just one empty Nando's on the outer island.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23No, there are chickens, it's their main source of food,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25but there are no trees at all on Easter Island.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27There used to be, thousands of them.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So, what are you going to do to protect your chickens?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And what you did was, you built a house like this,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34with a single, small entrance that you could close up
0:22:34 > 0:22:36with a suitable, flush-fitting stone,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and your neighbour would be unable to find the entrance.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I think I've lived in London for too long,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44because I'm looking at that, thinking, "Looks all right."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49600 a month? Yes, please.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Let's have a look at the heads. What's missing from this picture?
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Hair.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, weirdly enough they used to have a sort of topknot,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00a red topknot. So huge kind of headpieces.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02We don't know why or indeed how they got them up there,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- but something else is missing. - The rest of his body is underground.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07The body. Absolutely right. People used to think that
0:23:07 > 0:23:09they were only heads but, in fact, they have bodies as well.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12And the other thing they used to have, they used to have eyes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Extraordinary eyes that were detachable.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17They were made of coral and they were inserted for special occasions.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Like my nan.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Stick her eye in for a special occasion?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Christmas.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"I'll pop me coral eyes in."
0:23:26 > 0:23:28The volcano where the stones come from, Rano Raraku,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30which is where they were carved...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The only volcano named by Scooby-Doo.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- SHAGGY VOICE:- "What volcano are we going to, Scoob?"
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- SCOOBY VOICE:- "Rano Raraku!!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:40APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Anyway, how many Rex Britanniae have been called Alan?
0:23:49 > 0:23:50One.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53One is the absolutely right answer.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54APPLAUSE
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Kabaddi!- Kabaddi.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Well done. It means "King of Brittany".
0:24:01 > 0:24:03And there's been one. He was called Alan the Great.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05The Great Alan, he was a lovely man.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07He was given the title by the Emperor Charles the Fat.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Yeah, he was around 876, until his death in 907.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16By the time he died, there was another Emperor, Charles the Simple.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20When did they switch to the number system for naming the Charleses?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23When you had to have Hotmail addresses.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Yeah, that's true.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Alan's main adversary,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30you have to say it very carefully, because it's called F-U-L-K.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32What do you think, Falk? Foolk?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33- Fulk of Angouleme?- Yeah.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I don't fulking know.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38What's that's depicting?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Well, after Alan died, Brittany was overrun by Vikings
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and they were in turn driven out by Alan's grandson who was Alan II,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46but he wasn't a king so he doesn't count as a Rex.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48What you can see in this picture is Alan the Simple,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50who's trying to hit a fire alarm.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Just to the right, off shot. - Got his shoe off.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Just a sandal.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Now, this spider is called the house spider,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04but what is its natural habitat?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05'..get fat'
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Yes, Nish?- A house.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10You're absolutely right.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Kabaddi!- Kabaddi!- Yeah!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20House spiders really do live in houses.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Whenever I catch them, I put them outside, which must drive them mad.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- No, it kills them.- It kills them? - It absolutely kills them.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28They're one of a very small number of species
0:25:28 > 0:25:31specially adapted to living indoors.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33The same as if you take the garden spider and you invite it in
0:25:33 > 0:25:36from the cold and you think, it's a bit chilly out there, it will die.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Who's doing that?!
0:25:39 > 0:25:44What idiot is going out looking for feral spiders to bring indoors?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- So really you need a spider cupboard?- Yes.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50A special cupboard in your house, when you catch a spider,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52you put it in the spider cupboard, they're all in there together.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Yeah.- What kind of hellish arrangement is that?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I just think it's probably a good thing that Peter Parker
0:26:00 > 0:26:02wasn't bitten by a radioactive house spider.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Because it would have been a very short film.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Of him just going, "I've got all this power."
0:26:07 > 0:26:10He walks out of the house, dead immediately.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15He has to stay indoors going, "There's a criminal!"
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Phoning the police!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"Chase him, chase him!"
0:26:19 > 0:26:22"Spider-Man, come out." "I can't come out. I can't come out.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23"I'm a House Spider-Man."
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Iron Man would go rusty, right?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- Yeah, exactly.- That's another... "I can't come out, it's raining.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- "I'll freeze up."- And Batman just gets smacked by someone's shoe.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Certain people get really itchy eyes around Catwoman.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Bruce Banner's in therapy, never gets annoyed.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Anyway, moving on.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51What phrase do you use to end a radio conversation?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Come on, someone, don't make me do it.- Uh...- Go on, Holly.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Do you go, "Over and out"?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56KLAXON
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I bought my kids walkie-talkies and they knew about over and out,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04but they didn't know how to say it, and they would say,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I could hear them in the house going, "Out and in, out and in."
0:27:07 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:12No. Over means,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16"This is the end of my transmission to you and a response is necessary.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17"Go ahead, transmit."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Out means, "This is the end of my transmission to you
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"and no transmission is required and expected."
0:27:23 > 0:27:26So over and out would technically mean, "You can talk now if you want,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"but I'm not going to be listening."
0:27:31 > 0:27:33You know when you're on the phone to someone and they drop out
0:27:33 > 0:27:37of reception and it goes beep, beep, beep, and you know they've cut off.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I'd love to be able to do that in normal conversation with someone.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44So if they just bore me, I just sit there and go, "Beep, beep, beep."
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Well, that's quite enough of this nonsense.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And I can tell you, oh, we have a tie for first place.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- They both have... - Fight, fight, fight...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03They both have three points, it's Phill and Nish!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:13A very creditable third place, with -4, it's Alan.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Pleased with that.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And then last place, and what an honourable place it is to be,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21with -6, it's Holly!
0:28:21 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:32It only remains me to thank Holly, Phill, Nish and Alan.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34And I leave you with this account of a bit of old nonsense
0:28:34 > 0:28:36from the London Evening Standard.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38"'Their behaviour was disgusting.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"'She and her friends pulled their clothes up for pictures,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44"'lay about on the floor in compromising positions
0:28:44 > 0:28:47"'and pulled a man's trousers and pants down,'
0:28:47 > 0:28:49"A club member told the tribunal.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51"'I was absolutely horrified.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"'You don't go for an evening out at a Conservative Club
0:28:53 > 0:28:56"'expecting to see behaviour like that.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58"'We stayed to see midnight in and then left.'"
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Good night.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02APPLAUSE