0:00:29 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Welcome to a show
0:00:34 > 0:00:38where we will be noodling about with an eNormous array of things
0:00:38 > 0:00:40beginning with N.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Please welcome the netholiginous Jerry Springer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The nonalturantist Matt Lucas.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Thank you. Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The noctivagant Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And nicky, nacky, noo,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07it's Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And their buzzers have been lavishly personalised.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Jerry goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- CHANTS:- 'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24'Jerry! Jerry!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'Jerry!'
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Can you tell we're a bit excited that you're here, Jerry?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Matt goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32'Nope, but yet, but no, yeah, oh, my God,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34'I so can't believe you just said that.'
0:01:34 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Cariad goes...- I don't have a famous catchphrase, so...
0:01:43 > 0:01:50# Always Cariad Always Cariad Lloyd... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:52'Oh, look, there's Cariad Lloyd!'
0:01:52 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- You have a theme tune now.- I've got a theme tune.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02You've got walk-on music.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Yeah! And Alan goes...
0:02:04 > 0:02:08'Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09'Alan! Al!
0:02:09 > 0:02:10'Alan! Alan!'
0:02:10 > 0:02:12SHOTGUN GOES OFF
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Anyway, moving on.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Now, I've got a list here
0:02:18 > 0:02:23of the Christian names of the first 200 parachutists
0:02:23 > 0:02:26to land in Normandy on D-Day.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'd like you to give me the name of any of them.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Their Christian names?- Any Christian name.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Yeah.- Vladimir.- Vladimir, we're going to start with.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Another first name?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Mordechai?- Mordechai?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Well...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You have over 200 choices in here.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46John. Dave. William.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Enid.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:56'Alan! Alan! Al! Alan! Alan!'
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Are you suggesting that it's Alan? SHOTGUN GOES OFF
0:02:59 > 0:03:01They were dummy people.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05They WERE dummy people. You are absolutely right.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:12The very first Allied parachutists into Normandy
0:03:12 > 0:03:14consisted of 200 dummies, six men,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16some gramophones and a pigeon.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17That's a good night!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's a classic, yes! Absolute classic!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24The 200 dummies were a diversionary tactic, the six men were SAS troops.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I like this, they played battle noises on gramophones
0:03:27 > 0:03:29to divert the Germans from the real air drops
0:03:29 > 0:03:31which were going on elsewhere.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32And the pigeon was a carrier
0:03:32 > 0:03:35strapped to the very first man to land,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37so the first soldier to land was called Norman Poole.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I think they thought, Normandy, Norman! Let's have Norman.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43But the very first ones, there were 200 dummies,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and they were all called Rupert.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Because British soldiers often
0:03:48 > 0:03:50referred to their officers as Ruperts.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They were only two foot nine inches tall,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55but from the ground, they would have looked full-size.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I've got helmets for you, if you wouldn't mind,
0:03:57 > 0:03:58just stick those on there.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Just following orders.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Yep.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Because we're going to show you, from the ground,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04what the parachute drop would have looked like.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It would have looked like this.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's possible you didn't need the helmets,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16but, then, it is possible that you would need them.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- I needed it, yeah.- So those are replicas, obviously, of Rupert.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24They contained firecrackers
0:04:24 > 0:04:27so that when they landed it sounded like they were firing.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28This one is anatomically correct.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35They distracted nearly a full German division, and in 2013,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37a Rupert was discovered in a garden shed in the UK,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and nobody knows how he got back.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43We have a real one here which comes from the Museum of Army Flying
0:04:43 > 0:04:45in Middle Wallop. Don't you love this country?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47We have a place called Middle Wallop.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It is accompanied by his curator, Susan Lindsay.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Thank you, Susan.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Do you not think that is the coolest thing?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Because how Rupert survived and made it all the way back to the UK,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02absolutely nobody knows.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04My favourite story from that time is Lord Lovat,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06he was the commander of the first commando brigade.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08He took with him his personal bagpiper,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10this is very British, to do this.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13He took with him Bill Millin, who was his personal bagpiper.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15In the hope that he'd get shot?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20The story is he walked slowly up and down Sword Beach in Highland dress
0:05:20 > 0:05:22playing to encourage the Allied troops,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and then he later piped the commandos
0:05:24 > 0:05:25through the French countryside,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and the German snipers said,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"We didn't shoot him because we thought he'd gone mad."
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Jerry. Now, this time that we're talking about,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38the battle of Normandy,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40you were in the UK?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Yes. I'd been born six months earlier, yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44And where were you?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I was actually born in Highgate, in the tube station.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- During an air raid?- Not during an air raid, but you didn't know...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Your mother just missed her train and...
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Yes.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway
0:05:57 > 0:05:59because those were the bomb shelters.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Have you been back to the station?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there!
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You know.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10You'd need to have been conceived to have a plaque there, I think.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12When you were Mayor of Cincinnati...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Yes.- 1977, is that right?
0:06:15 > 0:06:161977, '78, yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, my God!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What are you doing in that picture?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Well, you know, when you're mayor,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23you also get a lot of ceremonial things to do,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25so it probably was some...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, I know. That's when I got circumcised.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33That's when everybody got circumcised.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Is it true about Cincinnati,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39that there is a full abandoned subway system that was never used,
0:06:39 > 0:06:40that's underneath the city, is that true?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yeah, they ran out of money, actually.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44And so it was never completed.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- But, yeah.- So are there stations?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Yeah.- So why did they not do it...?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It was before my time.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52If I were mayor, we would have finished that subway!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Quite right.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:00From Normandy to Newcastle now,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04we know why you'd take a canary down a coal mine,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06but why would you take a dead fish?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Is it one of those fish you put in your hand, you know,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10you used to get from the shop for a pound?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Oh, for fortune telling?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14A fortune-telling fish. So you'd be like, "There is coal here."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And it rolls over. And goes, "No, the coal-mining industry has gone."
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Wow, that's like the saddest fortune fish of all time.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:23If you brought a live fish down,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26they would be dead by the time you got to the bottom of the mine,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28so this just saves time.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29That's true.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32If you want to have a fish at all, just save time by killing it first.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Right.- Maybe, because in some cultures people eat fish.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40So... Maybe the people in the mine are peckish.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41OK. We're in Newcastle.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Do they eat fish in Newcastle?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Oh, yes, they do.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48They have a little fishy on a little dishy when the boat comes in.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Dance for your daddy, my little laddie.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Is it possible you spend too much time with your small children?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:07:59OK, so I'm going to give you a clue.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01The fish in the picture is glowing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02It does something down there
0:08:02 > 0:08:04that tells you that something's not right,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06and it's time to leave? Similar to the canary.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Well, the canary was used, of course, to work out if there was...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Poisonous gases.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- ..if there was poisonous gases.- So the canary would die first.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Absolutely. But in the 18th century in the Newcastle coal mines,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19they used dead fish as lights.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So some dead fish, not all, glow faintly,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27and they are safer than lamps in mines because of explosive gas.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Unfortunately, the fish have two putrefy
0:08:29 > 0:08:30in order to be able to glow,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34so the smell must have been unbelievable.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36But it is called bioluminescence.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And they glow because of bacteria,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and it's possible that the bacteria glow
0:08:40 > 0:08:43to attract living fish to eat the dead fish
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and that helps the bacteria to spread.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- That is incredible.- Yeah. Cunning bacteria.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50And it's been known about for years.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Aristotle spotted that damp wood glowed,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Pliny the Elder, he recommended using, I like this,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58a walking stick dipped in a jellyfish's glowing slime
0:08:58 > 0:09:00as a torch.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03When Kanye West played Madison Square Gardens,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- he lit the show just with fish.- Dead fish.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10That's the same as, you know toxoplasmosis, that bacteria,
0:09:10 > 0:09:11and it lives in cats.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It wants to be in cats.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16But if it can't get in a cat, say it infects a rat or a mouse,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19it will make the mouse not scared of cats any more,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21so that it's more likely to be ate by a cat.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Are you making this up?- No.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27They have found that human beings who have toxoplasmosis
0:09:27 > 0:09:28are more likely to have car crashes,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31so the bacteria is trying to kill you.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So that a cat will find you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- LAUGHTER - It's true.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Is this why we have these books, to write this down?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43It's also to write down what medication Cariad is on.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Toxoplasmosis, guys.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It is absolutely true what Cariad is saying.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Absolutely true. The world is so extraordinary,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50there are lots of sea creatures that glow
0:09:50 > 0:09:53when they are disturbed by a boat's wake.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54So that glows.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55And this is a serious issue,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59so in World War I, there was a German submarine tracked and sunk
0:09:59 > 0:10:02because they had disturbed enough bioluminescent organisms.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04We could see where it was?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Exactly. It glowed from the surface.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And they can also use it in various ways, for example,
0:10:08 > 0:10:09they can inject mice
0:10:09 > 0:10:12with a genetically modified glowing herpes virus.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15And who hasn't wanted to have that at some point?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Scientists can examine how it moves through the body.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No, I don't know why it's glowing, honey.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Just one of those things.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29You get up in the night, and you don't need to put the light on.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I can just find my way.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Now for a question on non-employment.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40What is the most painless way of sacking 24,000 people
0:10:40 > 0:10:42at the same time?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Don't tell them.- Don't tell them?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Don't tell them.- Just don't mention it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Are they dummies again? Are they fake employees that never existed?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50They are. And it did happen.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52So it was February, 2016.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Nigeria sacked 23,846 employees from the government payroll,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00all for the same offence, they didn't exist.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And the move saved £8 million a month.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06They were ghost workers.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07It's a common problem,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10You get real workers collect fictional colleagues' payrolls.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13In 2011, a newborn baby was added to the government payroll
0:11:13 > 0:11:17and got £90 a month, and a diploma.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You can get high office as well.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24In 2007, Andre Kasongo Ilunga became the Minister of Foreign Trade
0:11:24 > 0:11:26in the Democratic Republic of the Congo,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29despite the fact that he was entirely fictional.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33The Congolese law is that there has to be two candidates
0:11:33 > 0:11:35for any ministerial post.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37So there was a politician called Kasimba Ngoi,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and he really wanted the role.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43So what he did was he invented a fake rival, this gentleman.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- And the fake guy won?- Well...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Kasimba assumed that the Prime Minister
0:11:49 > 0:11:51would choose the person he'd heard of.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54But, unfortunately for Mr Ngoi,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56the Prime Minister disliked him intensely
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and chose the fictional Mr Ilunga.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Mr Ngoi later claimed that Ilunga had resigned.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04But the Prime Minister said he would only accept
0:12:04 > 0:12:05the resignation in person.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Eventually, Ilunga was sacked.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Possibly for non-attendance.- For not turning up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Now, which is worse, death or Norfolk?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Well, you could leave Norfolk.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Yes, that's a very good point.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26But it's not the English county of Norfolk, that we are talking about.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Sometimes I think the questions on this show
0:12:29 > 0:12:32aren't quite what they seem.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Let me give you a clue, OK. So which newly-discovered continent,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38beginning and ending in A,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42were most British convicts transported to in the 18th century?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Australia.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Or Australasia.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52No, nor Australasia.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Antarctica.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Not Antarctica.- America.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01You are absolutely right. So 1718 to 1775,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03they were sent exclusively to America,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06at least 52,000 of them.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07It wasn't America yet.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08No, it wasn't even America yet.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And some people estimate that as many as a tenth of the migrants
0:13:11 > 0:13:14to America during that period were, in fact, British convicts.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16And Australia was only used after
0:13:16 > 0:13:17the American War of Independence broke out
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and everybody thought, "What a dangerous place.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21"Let's send them somewhere else."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23But the Norfolk we are talking about is in Australasia,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25which is what you mentioned.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's a tiny little island called Norfolk Island.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32And in 1825, it was established as a penal colony for a penal colony.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35So it was for people who had committed crimes
0:13:35 > 0:13:37while already serving a sentence in Australia.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, my God.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Not a place that anybody wanted to go.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43In fact, people who were sentenced to death on the mainland
0:13:43 > 0:13:46thanked God that they were not going to Norfolk Island.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Some people hated the island so much,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49they openly committed capital crimes.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52They openly would kill somebody just to be taken back to Sydney
0:13:52 > 0:13:55to be tried and executed, because it was so horrendous.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Now, in which country is the very highest peak of the Alps?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Isn't Mont Blanc the tallest?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- OK, so where is that?- Where is it, Matt?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Italy, I think.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Yeah, it's on the border.- It is, exactly on the border.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15The French-Italian border, in fact,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17passes directly over Mont Blanc's peak.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20The very highest peak of the Alps is not there.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Not Mont Blanc?- Neither in France, nor in Italy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Switzerland?- So we'll go for Switzerland.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I want you to think, unlikely, and I want you to think, you know...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29like a flat place.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Is it that the Alps go much further?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32No, it's in the Netherlands.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- Really?- There was a Swiss geologist called Horace-Benedict de Saussure,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39born in 1740,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41he led the very first expedition up Mont Blanc.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45When he got to the top, he took the top as a souvenir.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50It is now in the Teylers Museum in Haarlem in the Netherlands.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I'm going to guess it's not quite that big.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55And it's not floating in a museum.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58He was a fantastic polymath, de Saussure.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01He was described as the inventor of climbing, or Alpinism.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Did he invent climbing?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Well, he invented...- People were climbing in the Alps before,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10and he came along and went, "I will call this climbing."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12People must have been climbing before then, yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Just boys making things up. It's not right, is it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You've never had that on your show, have you?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- People making things up?- That would be so wrong.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20That would be very wrong, Jerry.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It would be a good topic for the show,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"My friend claims he invented climbing."
0:15:26 > 0:15:28And the women who love him.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:33You can say any sentence in the world, and as long as you add,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- "and the women who love him"... - Yeah.- ..then you've got a show.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:42My labrador, and the women who love him.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44This thing of taking the top off,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47so there was an artist called Oscar Santillan in 2015,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and he removed the topmost inch of Scafell Pike.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54He made everybody very cross in Cumbria, the managing director,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Ian Stephens, of Cumbrian Tourism said, "This is taking the mickey.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"We want the top of our mountain back."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah, you'd get a mohel for that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05A mohel? That's a Jewish gentleman who does circumcision?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06That's right, yeah.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Yeah, that's painful.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It happens when you're eight days old, so in theory,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- you don't remember it.- But you two are both in pain still.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm still limping, yeah.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I don't care if it was a subway station, I'll remember it.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Wow, I'll never see Highgate station the same way again.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28So, if you want to get really high, go to the Netherlands.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31But what is Britain's biggest national secret?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33If we tell it, it won't be a secret any more.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Ah, well, that is true,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and that was the thing that worried people for a long, long time.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- So we're in London.- Right.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- So...- Was it the London Tower or something?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42It is a tower. Tower is right, Jerry.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Is this some enormous building that isn't supposed to...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Yes, there is an enormous building
0:16:46 > 0:16:48that was a secret for years and years.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- The Gherkin.- The BT Tower.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53The BT Tower is exactly right.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54It was built in 1965,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58it was considered such an important part of the telecoms infrastructure
0:16:58 > 0:17:00that it was classified as an official secret.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02What?!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Because no-one can see it!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06No, it was Britain's tallest building,
0:17:06 > 0:17:11it contained a public viewing gallery, and a revolving restaurant.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I went to that place once for a charity event.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And Rick Astley was singing.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It was wonderful. And I went to the loo, which is in the middle,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and when I came out of the loo it had revolved,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and I came out right on stage next to him.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:32He was going... # Never going to give you up... #
0:17:35 > 0:17:38It was technically illegal to take photographs of the tower
0:17:38 > 0:17:39under the Official Secrets Act.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It wasn't included in any Ordnance Survey maps
0:17:41 > 0:17:44until the mid-1990s.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49In a 1978 case a judge would only refer to it as location 23,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and in 1993 the MP Kate Hoey
0:17:51 > 0:17:54spoke in parliament to state the location, she said,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"I hope I that I am covered by Parliamentary privilege
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"when I reveal that the British Telecom Tower does exist,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03"and that its address is 60 Cleveland St, London,"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05which, the restaurant was fantastic.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Did you ever go to the revolving restaurant?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09- No.- It was just glorious.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And in 2009, BT said they were going to reopen it,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and anybody who's ever had a promise from BT
0:18:13 > 0:18:14will know that'll never happen.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You get a lot of e-mails saying your order's on its way.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:24What's the best cure for nostalgia?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Is it actually living in the actual past?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And staying there?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And then you don't need nostalgia, cos you're still living in it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36But wouldn't you be nostalgic for the hundred years before that?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Would there not be a period... There's always going to be a period.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Oh, yeah.- Like, even the Dark Ages.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Do you get nostalgic, Jerry?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yeah. Smell.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47If you smell something, it brings back a memory.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Straight away, isn't it?- Cigarettes in pubs.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Do you miss them?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Oh, yeah.- Smell affects your memory part more than sight, or touch,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57or anything. It instantly affects your memory.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00My wife, when she smells beer on me, she knows where I've been.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Are there things you're nostalgic for, Alan?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I'm not a nostalgic person, no.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- That's probably good.- I think the future's going to be great.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14The past, whatever.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I'm nostalgic for when Alan used to be nostalgic.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- That was a lovely time.- Those were the days.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Well, in the 18th and 19th century, it was seen as a deadly disease.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Really?- To be nostalgic.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29It was known as Schweizenkrankheit, or Swiss illness,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33because Swiss soldiers were apparently particularly prone to it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And in the American Civil War more than 5,000 men were diagnosed
0:19:36 > 0:19:40with nostalgia and 74 allegedly died from it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42In fact, the Unionist army was forbidden
0:19:42 > 0:19:46from playing Home Sweet Home in case it brought on an attack.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48No doubt the past makes you upset.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I found, when I wrote my book, this is not a plug, it's out of print.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53No-one bought it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:57It was part-memoir,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00that meant a lot of going back through childhood memories.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And it's not pleasant, it's not nice.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's much better to look forward, that hasn't happened yet.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05You can invent it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10The only one thing I would like to have is my grandmother's trifle.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, was it particularly good?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It was so good. She died in 1974, and it went with her.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- No-one knew how to make it. - Have you tried to recreate it?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I don't even know how she did it. No-one knows.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Grannies everywhere, write down all your recipes
0:20:23 > 0:20:25so that we can continue to have them.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Funnily enough, I just bought a book for my kids
0:20:26 > 0:20:29for all the things that I've learnt from previous generations,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and I'm starting to write the recipes down.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34So if you've just tuned in,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37this evening's episode was a tribute to Cariad,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Jerry, Sandi and Alan, who all, very sadly, died of nostalgia.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:54So they still haven't worked out what the best cure is.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57A Russian general came up with it in 1733.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Vodka. Did it involve vodka?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59It didn't involve vodka.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01What he did was, he warned the troops
0:21:01 > 0:21:03that the very first man
0:21:03 > 0:21:07to come down with a case of nostalgia would be buried alive.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08And cases plummeted.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12The suspected causes of nostalgia
0:21:12 > 0:21:16were unfulfilled ambition, poor hygiene,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18coming from farming stock, and masturbation.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Those were the...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I've got two of those.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Me too, and I've never been on a farm.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It was declassified as a disease as late as 1899.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31What was? Oh...
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Nostalgia. Yeah.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35They say that's still troublesome.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36I miss it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Actually, it can be useful. It is thought to protect, slightly,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44against cold. So people can stand the pain of icy water for longer
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- if they focus on nostalgic memories. - Who writes this stuff down?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51So you mean if you're trapped in a freezer by a gangland criminal
0:21:51 > 0:21:52you just say to someone,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"Do you remember when we weren't trapped in this freezer?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56You're going to make it.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I think you have to think about Grandma Davies's trifle.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oh, I see what you mean, yeah.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Now for something completely different.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Alan. Are you a narcissist?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I know I don't like looking at myself.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I would take either of those two lives ahead of my own!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Yes or no, are you a narcissist?
0:22:19 > 0:22:20No, I'm not.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22That is correct.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And this is a complete reversal of the usual format,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28because whether you said yes or no, we are going to give you two points.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- Oh.- And that is because in the standard modern test for narcissism,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35research shows that narcissists feel so good about themselves,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37they don't mind admitting it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41So if you think you are a narcissist, then you are.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Would you say that you were a narcissist?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Yes.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Totally fine. What about you, Jerry?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Would you say you're a narcissist?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52No, I've got a mirror, that depresses me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I mean, you're asking the star of the Jerry Springer show!
0:22:57 > 0:22:58- CHANT:- Jerry!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Me, a narcissist?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06In mythology, of course, we get narcissism from...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Narcissis gazing in a pond.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12That's a beautiful picture by John William Waterhouse.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16He became so transfixed by his own reflection
0:23:16 > 0:23:18that he was unable to drag himself away, and he stayed there,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and was eventually transformed into a flower.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22What flower was he transformed into?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Oh, self-raising!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- What did you say?- A narcissi?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34No, it's one of those weird things, it's not connected.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37So you'd think that the scientific name for the daffodil is connected,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40but in fact, that's related to the narcotic quality of the bulb.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Did he turn into a lily?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43We don't know. We've no idea.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46So why did you ask us, then, you don't even have the answer!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Some things are unknown, Matt.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51That's OK. Anyway, now it's time for our weekly brush
0:23:51 > 0:23:53with general ignorance.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Which of these two men has stronger muscles?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01'I can't believe you've just said that!'
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Well, the one on the right certainly has bigger muscles,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07but maybe the muscles on the left are stronger
0:24:07 > 0:24:09because they're not as strong,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and yet they're still working.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Stop now! Stop now, you're doing so well.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Or is the answer, we just don't know?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Pound for pound, body-builders have weaker muscles than normal people.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20So one of the reasons body-builders are so strong
0:24:20 > 0:24:22is that they have a large amount of muscle.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26But the muscles they do have are, in fact, weaker.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Here is the thing. If you don't have muscles,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30but you have a really good imagination,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33you can exercise your muscles.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35So say your hand is in a cast.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You can prevent yourself from losing muscle mass
0:24:38 > 0:24:41by simply imagining yourself using your hand muscles.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Wow!- Well, I'm just imagining myself winning the show.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I'm imagining myself using my hands.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Now, which of Shakespeare's plays wasn't performed at first
0:24:55 > 0:24:58because it was believed to be cursed?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# Cariad Lloyd... #
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Is it Richard II
0:25:02 > 0:25:04because the language was so provocative?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's a good choice, but it is not Richard II.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Is it Midsummer Night's Dream, in which I played Bottom,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and got the best reviews of my career?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Er, no.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Is it the one that was playing when the Globe was burned down?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19It is the one that was playing.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Oh, No Sex, Please, We're British.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Run For Your Wife!
0:25:24 > 0:25:261613, it was a production of Henry VIII.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I was going to say Henry VIII!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30The very first recorded performance at the Globe,
0:25:30 > 0:25:31and they fired a cannon,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33as one of the special effects,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35and it hit the straw of the thatched roof
0:25:35 > 0:25:36and the theatre burned down.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Absolutely nobody was injured,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40the only risk to life was one man's britches caught fire
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and his friend put him out with a bottle of beer.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Theatres used to burn down all the time.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51And one theatre was burned down about four or five hundred years ago
0:25:51 > 0:25:53because one guy advertised
0:25:53 > 0:25:57that he could squeeze himself into a quart bottle on stage.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01And so thousands of people turned out to see him, and when it was...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Weirdly, he couldn't do it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Weirdly, he couldn't do it, and there was a riot,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06and the theatre burned down.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Why don't they do that on Britain's Got Talent?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- Yeah.- What is the play that actors have often treated as being cursed?
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Macbeth. And the reason you're not supposed to say Macbeth
0:26:17 > 0:26:19is because, traditionally,
0:26:19 > 0:26:25when repertory companies were doing a play, and no-one was coming,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28what they would do is quickly put on Macbeth,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30which was in their repertoire,
0:26:30 > 0:26:31because people always came to see Macbeth.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So if you were putting on Macbeth,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36it was that the thing you really wanted to do was a disaster.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38But nobody was superstitious
0:26:38 > 0:26:40about the Scottish play in Shakespeare's lifetime.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Name America's biggest fault.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Donald Trump.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Now, it's not, is it NOT going to be the San Andreas fault?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04It is NOT the San Andreas, you're absolutely right.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07It is not even the most dangerous fault line in California.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10So here's the thing, California sits across two continental plates,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12the Pacific and the North American.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15There's dozens of fault lines between them.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And the maximum size of earthquake
0:27:17 > 0:27:19that the San Andreas fault could cause is
0:27:19 > 0:27:218.2 on the moment magnitude scale.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26The nearby Cascadia Subduction Zone, just off the coast,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28is far more dangerous.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31A huge rupture along it could release an earthquake
0:27:31 > 0:27:3330 times stronger than the San Andreas.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36That is half as large again as the quake
0:27:36 > 0:27:39that caused the Indian Ocean tsunami on Boxing Day in 2004.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It is a huge thing.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45They estimate a big earthquake would cause a tsunami up to 100 feet high.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Yikes!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Yeah, yikes indeed. And that brings me to the matter of the scores.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Well, my goodness,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55in first place with a magnificent seven points, it's Cariad.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:04In second place with minus 26, it's Jerry.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:12In third place with minus 36, Matt.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I'm very proud, thank you.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21And Alan, with a breathtaking minus 56,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23fourth place.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Our thanks to Jerry, Cariad, Matt and Alan.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Tonight, I'm going to leave the last word to Jerry.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Watch this show, or I'll kill my dog.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42LAUGHTER
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Just kidding. Just kidding.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Take care of yourselves, and each other. Goodnight!
0:28:49 > 0:28:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE