0:00:24 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello, everybody!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Aye aye!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Ahoy and welcome aboard the good ship QI,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37where tonight we'll be splicing each other's timbers,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40hoisting our mainbraces and giving the ship's cat a good kicking
0:00:40 > 0:00:43in the naval navigation show. Let's meet the crew.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46First of all, my old mate Ronni Ancona.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And something of a figurehead, Johnny Vegas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02A bit of a bottom feeder, Jimmy Carr.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow. What?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07One time, one time.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And Roger the cabin boy, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Let's hear your naval noises. Ronni goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23HIGH-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Johnny goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LOW-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35RASPY SHIP'S HOOTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:37That's Mexican food.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Alan goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Yummy, yummy, yummy
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# I got love in my tummy
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# And as silly as it may seem... #
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Yeah, no, I meant N-A-V-A-L, not the other kind of navel.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54First up, a question on nautical names.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Now, you each have got a hat. Put them on, there we go.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Sure. I mean, a lot of people would look stupid in this, but me...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:10So what I want to know is, as you look round the room,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14how many of you are genuine ship names?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Banterer, we've got Ronni's Spanker.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Spanker?- Flirt, we've got for Johnny, and Titan Uranus.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22HMS Flirt?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Hello, sailor!- When you said it out loud, then it all made sense.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yes, sorry. Tried to be polite.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Titan Uranus.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What do we reckon? - Spanker's got to be a ship
0:02:33 > 0:02:35out of a Carry On film, hasn't it?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Yes.- Reporting for duty, everyone. Welcome aboard the Spanker!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Now, hands at the ready.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Oooh, naughty!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49But I happen to know, because of an naval connection...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52What is your naval connection?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I think I might have seen it online.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58My brother is an admiral in the Navy.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Oh, whoa!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- An admiral? - And my father was a commander.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Your father was a commander in the Navy?- Yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- So your brother's done rather better.- My brother...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Yes, because he's got that insurance business on the side, hasn't he?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Yeah, my dad back-doored in through the Merchant Navy.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Did he? A lot of them do, I've heard.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I knew that was coming up.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23That will Titan Uranus.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- If anything, the reverse, I find. - But...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You look so innocent and then it says Titan Uranus.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Isn't that fantastic?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I could have hours of fun if I went out in this tonight.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37What do you reckon, Johnny? You reckon yours, HMS Flirt,
0:03:37 > 0:03:38do you reckon's the real thing?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Yeah, I reckon HMS Flirt could be the one.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Yeah, could be the...- The others might have been nicknames.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Ah, a bit of fun amongst the sailors.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47In fact, Spanker, Banterer and Flirt were all,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50or had been all, ships in the Royal Navy.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Titan Uranus was... There have been two merchant ships,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55actually, there was an oil tanker and an ore carrier.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Lots named after animals -
0:03:57 > 0:03:59there has been kangaroo, gnat, weasel, zebra.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Is the downside to this not the...?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I mean, obviously the Royal Navy, very proud history,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06but occasionally ships get sunk and people die
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and then you've got to report back.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13"I'm afraid things did not go well, 60 souls lost on Titan Uranus."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yeah, well, there are worse ones - Cockchafer.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20That is how a lot of the sailors died.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And HMS Pansy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26JIMMY LAUGHS And...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Oh, that's fantastic. - ..my favourite, Happy Entrance.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So, just to say.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34So have a quick look, imagine you are at sea
0:04:34 > 0:04:38and we've got, I don't know, say, HMS Cockchafer coming at you
0:04:38 > 0:04:41in the dark or possibly going away from you in the dark, OK?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Can you tell which one it is?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Coming towards you or going away?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Well, green towards you, red away?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Erm, not quite.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Anybody? Your brother's an admiral, for goodness' sake!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I know, I know!- Is one port and the other starboard?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58One is port and one is starboard, yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Do you know which is which?- No.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- It's quite good to know. - Does anyone know?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Red is port. - Red is port, red is port.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Yes. Yeah, I could've told you that. OK...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That's how you remember, like, port is red.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And green is...sherry?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Green is starboard. And what you say is green to green, red to red,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18perfect safety, go ahead.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21So what you would know from this is that the boat is coming towards you,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and that would be important information to have
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- when you're at sea.- Oh, hang on!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- I definitely would have crashed into that.- Yeah.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30There is one of my favourite books of all time that you could read
0:05:30 > 0:05:31to avoid this happening.
0:05:31 > 0:05:37It was published in 1992 and it is called How To Avoid Huge Ships.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- RONNI:- That's brilliant! That is so brilliant.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And who was this sold to? Small islands?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It went through several editions.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49What worries me is that they may have left stuff out
0:05:49 > 0:05:50in the first edition and then gone,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"Oh, that was the other thing I meant to put in."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56It's ranked as the third oddest book title of all time.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, go on, what are the other two?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The second, number two -
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Greek Rural Postmen And Their Cancellation Numbers.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yeah, the one about the urban postmen I found a bit ehhh.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Who's that bothered?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10This is my favourite, number one, oddest book title of all time -
0:06:10 > 0:06:12People Who Don't Know They're Dead,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And What To Do About It.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Put your hats away, please.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Right, time for some salty language now.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Complete the nautical rhyme.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"A pig on the knee..."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30A pig on the knee, I'm a Tory MP?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:40 > 0:06:43So, a pig on the knee is actually safety at sea.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Safety at sea, that old favourite.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47The next one is, a cock on the right...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Transgender surgery doesn't always go right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Put out the lights.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Put out the lights? - Don't take flight.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57No. A cock on the right...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00The parish priest is strolling tonight.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:08That's poetry from you, Johnny.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I wonder if there are more
0:07:10 > 0:07:12individual groups of society we can offend?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Cock on the right, never lose a fight it is.- Never lose a fight.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So, it was superstitious sailors.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20They used to get tattoos of a pig on the left knee and a rooster,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22or a cock, on the right foot.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24So, pig on the knee, safety at sea.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26A cock on the right, never lose a fight.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Because the idea was that pigs and cockerels were kept in crates
0:07:29 > 0:07:31on the ships, and when the ships sank, the crates floated,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and the animals were associated with surviving shipwrecks.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I heard that because a pig and a cock can't swim,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so God would look at you benevolently
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- and say, "I will take pity on you." - "I'll save them."
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Can pigs not swim? - But that's what...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Also, I'd heard that as well.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- I think famously pigs can't fly. - Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That's the one. You're thinking of the Royal Air Force.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56They're full of salt. Surely that bobs, doesn't it, salt?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's going to be a struggle. When I took my baby swimming
0:07:58 > 0:08:01for the first time, I strapped two pigs to his hands.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And I'm banned from the local swimming pool.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- For bringing your own food in. - Yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Two packs of bacon on here.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Chuck him in, he'll be fine!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15God is smiling on him.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Lots of great women, tattooed ladies.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Nora Hildebrandt, she was America's very first
0:08:22 > 0:08:23professional tattooed lady.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26This is a wonderful drawing by my friend Sandy Nightingale
0:08:26 > 0:08:28of Nora Hildebrandt. Doesn't she look fab?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31She had 365 designs tattooed on her.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34She claimed she had been captured by Sitting Bull and his tribe
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and tied to a tree and tattooed every day for a year,
0:08:38 > 0:08:39but, in fact, her dad did it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Slightly, it's a weirder story. - I think she may have been trying to
0:08:44 > 0:08:46detract from men staring at her nose.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She was likely his showcase, as it were, his window display,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54to say, "These are the ones I can do."
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Thank God he didn't own a garage,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58or he would have just glued car parts to her.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Yes.- She would have looked like a Transformer.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04How creepy is that? You walk into a tattooist's, say,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"I'm thinking about getting a tattoo," and he goes,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"Well, just look at my daughter for a while.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- "Pick anything you want."- Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"O...OK..."
0:09:13 > 0:09:15When you have a tattoo lasered off, what happens to it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Do you know where it goes? - To heaven.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22They can't recycle them, can they?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26No. They don't scrape them off and give them to somebody else.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28What happens to them? We laser off a tattoo, what...?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- It goes into your body. - Yes, exactly right.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The beams of light heat the ink and breaks it down into little pieces.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It's absorbed into the blood and it is excreted.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38So it comes out in your poo.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42So, you see it in your poo and you go, "That's what I really wanted!"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Yeah, so if you loved somebody once...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- A tattoo poo.- Yeah, you can poo them away, basically.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51If it came out in the wee, you'd stand there going, "I'm an octopus!"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I now understand why boys make such a mess in the toilet,
0:09:57 > 0:09:58because they're not holding on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Here's a naval question you'll know, if your brother's an admiral.- Yes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Why is the Navy salute different to the Army salute?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10And you know how it's different?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Er...
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- It is...- The Navy one's more of a, "Cooee!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"Hello, sailor!"
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- This?- That's right, that's the Navy. - That's the Navy.- And the Army?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Is like that, exactly right. Do you know why?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's because Benny Hill wasn't in the Navy?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Because their hands were covered in grease and Queen Victoria
0:10:32 > 0:10:35didn't like it, so she made them, instead of standing like that,
0:10:35 > 0:10:36she made them stand like that
0:10:36 > 0:10:38so she couldn't see how dirty their hands were.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40So they were meeting the Queen? "Shall we wash our hands?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"No, it's only the Queen coming aboard, don't worry about it."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45There's a lot of weird Navy things.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48They toast the Queen sitting down, the Navy, they don't stand up.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50They're the only services that are allowed to do that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm not sure why - it was either William IV or Charles II,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and he was coming back to England,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and he stood up during the toast and he bumped his head on a beam,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and he announced from then on the Navy would sit down when drinking.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And so now they do, toasting the king and queen.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They've got all sorts of very interesting language.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Jack Tar speak. - It's a bit rude, but the term for
0:11:10 > 0:11:14premature ejaculation is getting off at Fratton,
0:11:14 > 0:11:20because Fratton is the train station two before Portsmouth.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Which is your final destination, really.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Two before, so what's the station just one before?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Because sometimes it's not that bad.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Sometimes I fall asleep at the station and I'm there for ages.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42That's almost too much information for me, really.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I go to Portsmouth all the time. I shall look at Fratton with new eyes.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Do you? Ooh!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I do, yes. - Same here, same here, yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51What, go to Portsmouth?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Oh, no, I thought we were talking about Fratton. Sorry.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56I'm so sorry!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00For some sailors, tattoos were thought to be a real life-saver.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Now, what are these men looking at?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Their feet.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- No, something higher up. - Their genitalia.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- It's higher than that. - Their navels, they're navel-gazing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Yes. They're engaged in omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So, the Greek for navel is omphalos,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and apparently it's an aid to meditation.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It doesn't look like what they're doing, does it?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24But in some yoga practices, it's regarded as an aid to meditation.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25It looks like they're thinking,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"These pills I bought on the internet are not working.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"I've been bloody ripped off, haven't I?"
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You can never quite capture in a statue someone crying.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- That's true, that's true. - And going, "Why me, God, why me?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:43After having a couple of kids, I tell you, it's not meditative.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I just see blind panic when I look at mine.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48We should all possibly panic when we look at our navels,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52because the average human navel has about 50 species of bacteria in it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54That's one's got a peanut in it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Never mind bacteria, that's a whole peanut.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00They're very varied, aren't they?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Yeah.- Belly buttons.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04An innie, an outie, and a kind of natural horizon.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Honestly, if you combine it with my man-breasts,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10whenever I take my top off,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14it looks like my midriff has been rejected for a loan.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It looks so depressed,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24like it's filled out all the forms and everything.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30But if you stand on your hands, does it look like it's got the loan?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yeah, I can turn upside down and it looks like it's in tax exile.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Mine's got real passion.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38It's got more range than this has.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Do you know why there are innies or outies?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Do you know what the reason is?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's just where they tie it off, isn't it?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No, it's nothing to do with that at all.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49So, after birth, the umbilical cord is cut to, whatever it is,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51an inch or two from the newborn's belly,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54and then it dries up and falls off as the muscles close up.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56And the navel is just the scar left, basically,
0:13:56 > 0:13:57from the base of the cord.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And usually it ends up slightly retracted,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01but sometimes a bit of extra skin stays, that's all,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and it makes it stick out or the muscles don't close off,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06and you're left with a little tiny protruding hernia.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09That one's got a hand growing out of it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:14A bloody disaster, that.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16It is amazing, they can remove your kidney,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18your gall bladder through the navel, now.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20They don't have even any scarring.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22They've got to ask, though, haven't they?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23They do have to ask, yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27They'll do you a tattoo of a little door.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It beats waking up in a bath on holiday
0:14:33 > 0:14:36with all that ice around you.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37"Not again!"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39They can do everything now,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- they can turn you inside out through your navel.- Can they?- Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- JOHNNY:- How can they turn you inside out?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Just put your hand... It's like a duvet cover.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53My mum has got some loose skin at the back.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Next time she's holding drinks, I'm going to try the...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01"My mum's got some loose skin at the back."
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Well, I'm sure she's watching this, proud as ever.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"Oh, my Johnny's on television this evening, so proud of that boy."
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Her phone's already ringing off the hook.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"What's this about loose skin on your back?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"It's the talk of the street!"
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's the only work I do that the girls from bingo watch.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24But imagine if she were still holding the tray of drinks.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31And suddenly looking ten years younger.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Contemplating your navel can bring you both innie and outie piece.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39That's nice, isn't it? AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:39 > 0:15:40All right, back off!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- When I get angry... - LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:45What am I an inch and a half taller than?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- I'm five foot tall. - The cast of Time Bandits.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Kylie Minogue. She's 4' 11", isn't she?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- She is tiny. - You were an inch and a half -
0:15:58 > 0:16:02God rest his soul - smaller than Ronnie Corbett.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Yes, Ronnie...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- He was 5' 1.5".- ..Ronnie Corbett and I worked together often.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I remember playing golf with Ronnie, and he said,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12"Dear God, darling, from a distance we must look like a condiment set."
0:16:12 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I pay tribute to him, one of the funniest men I ever worked with.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- A delight.- Is it a naval thing, anything to do with naval...?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It is about exploration, it's about travel,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30but it's about travel in a different direction, away from...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Is it roller-coasters?- Space. - Space, yes, it's space.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Yes, it's the minimum height for Nasa. You need to be 4' 10.5".
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And the maximum is 6' 4".
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Basically, you need to be tall enough to reach the controls,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and not too tall to fit in the seat.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45The weird thing is that in space... I'd quite like to go,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48because you grow two inches because of the lack of gravity.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50So you would go into space and exceed the height limit,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52if you started out at 6' 4"...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Surely it all comes crashing down once you land?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15As you're getting nearer and nearer the Earth...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yeah, but what if you're up in space,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22you're up in space and then they suddenly tell you
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- you're too tall? - Well, when astronaut Scott Kelly
0:17:24 > 0:17:27came back from the International Space Station,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29he had a twin brother. They had been the same height when he left,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and he was two inches taller than his brother when he got back.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Once you get back to Earth, you shrink back pretty quickly.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And the other thing... See, this would be very good,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39you'd like this, Johnny - it's very good for your figure, OK?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Why would that be good for me, Sandi?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- I'm dying to know.- Because your chest and navel might get a loan.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52What happens is, in space, the internal organs move up
0:17:52 > 0:17:55inside the torso, so your waist shrinks by several inches.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57So on Earth, for example, the human leg muscles,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01they pump blood into the upper body against gravity, but in space,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03no gravity, so the blood and fluids get pumped upwards,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and you get this buffed-up torso.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Can you get breasts that sit above your clavicle, Sandi?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- That would be great.- You sound like that's something that people want.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13They go, "Oh!"
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You could eat a pizza and keep it there for two weeks.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If you've just got bad acid indigestion, you could do that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I'm used to reflux.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'd quite like to see you in space, it'd be great.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Would you like to go? - I would love to go.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I wish they could send some poets and some artists up there,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33so we can get a bit more of an idea of what it actually...
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Because if you see anyone interviewed, they go,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"Yeah, it's very nice."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40If they sent Will Self, do a video diary.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44"The majestic splendour of Earth...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"..is a little disappointing."
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"14 days without a cigarette now."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:02The minimum height for a Nasa astronaut is 4' 10.5",
0:19:02 > 0:19:04so hope for me yet.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Now it's time for us to pull out at the bungs and immerse ourselves
0:19:07 > 0:19:09in the murky waters of general ignorance,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16What is the fastest swimming stroke?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- RASPY HONK Jimmy.- Dolphin.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Well, dolphins are jolly quick,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23but even they can't do this stroke.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25But they could probably beat whoever's doing it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What they can do, which we can't do,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29we create a bow wave when we're swimming
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and dolphins are able to leap over it, so there's no water resistance.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34So, points for that then. 100% right.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37No. It isn't the fastest swimming stroke.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Are we looking for a human stroke?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It is a stroke that humans can do, but we got it from somewhere else.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- The butterfly.- Oh, I like that we got it for the butterfly.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I like that.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50The backstroke.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53No, it's not the butterfly, it's not the crawl.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Doggy paddle!- The tumble turn.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58When they turn, and then they swim, do you know what they do then?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Oh, that sort of wiggling underwater bit?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03The wiggling underwater thing, it's called the fish kick.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06You know what else they call it? They call it "the dolphin".
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Because that's exactly what a dolphin does.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Literally points, cos, I mean, that is a dolphin.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- He's doing the dolphin.- In Jimmy's defence, they don't wear Speedos,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- but they look very similar. - They do look very similar.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20You're only allowed to swim underwater for the first 15m,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22so that's why people don't do it in competitive swimming.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Now, what did Highland warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Kilts.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No, not kilts, no.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Here's a random Scandinavian fact. - Oh, OK.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40The word kilt comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning tuck.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41- So it's actually a Danish word.- Oh!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Yes, that's rather fine.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts
0:20:45 > 0:20:47when they went into battle. What did they wear, anybody know?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Dungarees.- Pantaloons! - It was a yellow tunic.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51A yellow tunic?!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53A yellow tunic, called a leine croich.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I love the bloke on the left's got one of those
0:20:55 > 0:20:57umbrella hats from the fair.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Yes, they're rather fine, aren't they?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00He's trying to knock it off.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "That's a stupid hat!"
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"It's not even raining!"
0:21:09 > 0:21:11What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13But if they didn't have saffron, they used to use...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Urine!- Yes.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Horse urine. - Very keen on the yellow, then.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"Pish-stained tunic."
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Urine was in all the tweeds as well,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23because they used to use it to fix the colours of the tweeds.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Yeah, but still, you know,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Can we not make it green from the grass?"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"No, keep on pissing on it."
0:21:30 > 0:21:34That horse has got the hots for the painter.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40"Hello. Are you getting my best side?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake."
0:21:43 > 0:21:47We do have an image, don't we, of the kilt being part of the attire?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- Very much so.- But, in fact,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51it was invented for a totally different reason, it was...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Invented for weddings. They're always in weddings.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- No, it was...- Sometimes you can have too much material for a kilt.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"Just wrap it round here, don't worry about it."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"One day they'll invent scissors."
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It was actually invented in the 1720s by an English Quaker
0:22:08 > 0:22:10and industrialist, a man called Thomas Rawlinson,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13and he wanted a safer item of clothing for his employees,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15his Scottish employees, in his iron foundry.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Can I suggest you don't go north of the border and mention that fact?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Well, the word tartan comes from Middle French -
0:22:22 > 0:22:24they won't like any of it, really.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26The word kilt is Danish - none of it's good.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Did he have a shop for tourists in Edinburgh?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Was that why he was secretly...?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Have you ever been in one of those shops that says,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34"We can find the tartan for any surname"?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Oh, yeah.- Apparently not.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Sorry, can you explain what you're wearing?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Ah, yes, the great Danish Toksvig tartan!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48If you're so hungry you could eat a kilt, don't eat the yellow ones,
0:22:48 > 0:22:49that's the advice.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Name a cold-blooded creature.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Lizard.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03So, there are some, yes, but there are also...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05That's why they like the sun to warm up.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- We've had it on here before, I learnt that on here!- Yes.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12He's spent ten years doing this show
0:23:12 > 0:23:14for pieces of information like that!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- But I've arrived with new information!- Oh, no!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Simon Cowell.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23There are in fact warm-blooded lizards,
0:23:23 > 0:23:24and indeed warm-blooded fish.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Almost all reptiles, you're right.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- That's a horrible picture. - It's not a good one, no.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32That is a yacare caiman eating a catfish.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Or a catfish eating the caiman's tongue.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Almost all reptiles and fish are cold-blooded,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40so they depend on their surroundings to heat them up.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43However, in 2015, we have just new news -
0:23:43 > 0:23:47scientists have discovered warm-blooded lizards and fish.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48- Argh!- I know.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49So that lizard there, on the left,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53can heat itself up to ten degrees warmer than its environment
0:23:53 > 0:23:55and nobody knows why.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And they both live together?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58No, they don't.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02They look surprised, the fish looks very surprised.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03It's called an opah fish.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05It's the only completely warm-blooded fish.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07How is it the only one?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Is it just really awkward?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I'm sorry, how do you become the only fish that's warm-blooded
0:24:14 > 0:24:15out of a whole...?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Or did it just have an overbearing mum who made it
0:24:17 > 0:24:21a hot-water bottle and it just ate it and had an idea?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22It's a really good question,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26because the fact is we don't know how warm-bloodedness evolved.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Ate a hot-water bottle!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Looks like a hot-water bottle shape.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34What's more prevalent, post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Isn't there a theory they died
0:24:36 > 0:24:38because of the change in temperature?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39The thing is, dinosaurs were neither
0:24:39 > 0:24:42warm-blooded nor cold-blooded, they were somewhere in between.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- There were just right, weren't they? - They were just right!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47They had lovely Goldilocks blood.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Because there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Because one of the things is you have to keep eating to get fuel
0:24:53 > 0:24:55to maintain the constant body temperature.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58So if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs
0:25:02 > 0:25:06where they died out because over a certain temperature
0:25:06 > 0:25:07all the eggs hatched as male,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and below a certain temperature they all hatched as female,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and then the temperature went down and they all hatched as female,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15and then there were no more... no-one to mate with?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Well, there are many theories about how the dinosaurs...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20But that's the correct one.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23The one that I can vaguely remember, I'm 90% sure it's 100% correct.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26There's someone who's never watched King Kong.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Massive gorilla, mate. Twatted all of them.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. Now...
0:25:38 > 0:25:44What was the name of the village where Napoleon was defeated in 1815?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45- Ah...- Ah...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Definitely was, I mean, 100%.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- RASPY HONK - It was Waterloo.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- No.- It was!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- It definitely was.- It wasn't. - No.- Well...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58The Battle of Waterloo did not take place at Waterloo.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01It is called that because it's where the Duke of Wellington
0:26:01 > 0:26:02stayed the night after the battle,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05and it's where he wrote to his superiors about the battle.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08But in fact, most of the battle happened a few miles away
0:26:08 > 0:26:12in the municipalities of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You'd be really pissed off if you were a little village
0:26:15 > 0:26:18or a little town and your claim to fame was a massive victory,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22and you have to spend all the time going, "No, it was here, with us."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- It's a few miles up... - I'm going to write to ABBA now.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28What should the song be called? What should it be called?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30The municipality of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32That's bit difficult to rhyme, but OK.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Yeah.- Municipality...- Yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- That's going to ruin "Mamma Mia!", but fine, have it your way.- I know.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And, finally, who wore the trousers in Britain in the 18th century?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45No-one.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Somebody did. One class of person.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Where have we been from the beginning?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- The sailors.- Oh, sailor! - The sailors, absolutely right.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57It was only sailors. Men wore britches and women wore skirts.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And trousers were specifically defined
0:26:59 > 0:27:04in a 1718 nautical dictionary as a sort of loose britches of canvas,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05worn by common sailors.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07So what about your officer class?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- They'd have britches, wouldn't they? - They'd have britches on, yes.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12In fact, the Duke of Wellington was once thrown out of a club
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- for wearing trousers. - All been there, eh, Johnny?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"Why are you throwing me out?" "Because of your trousers!"
0:27:21 > 0:27:24In the 18th century, the only people who wore trousers
0:27:24 > 0:27:25were jolly Jack Tars.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28And that's your lot for tonight - time to settle the old scores.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well, it's an outright win.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33With a magnificent seven points, it's Ronni.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Did I win?!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:41In second place, and I'm very surprised,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43because he had winner written all over him, but with one point,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45it's Johnny.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:55In third place, with -2, it's Jimmy.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58-2. What was the point?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00What was the point of that?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And an epic fail, -36, Alan.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15That brings us to the end of our naval adventures.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Thanks to Ronni, Jimmy, Johnny and Alan.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And I leave you with this nautical headline
0:28:20 > 0:28:21from the Western Daily Press -
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"Fish rescued from a large pool of water."
0:28:26 > 0:28:28LAUGHTER
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Goodnight.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE