0:00:34 > 0:00:39Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43As we're doing a kind of quiz.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Do we get a point for that?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Yeah, Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- When you say it, I'm going to go... - HE MUMBLES
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Watch, watch.- OK.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04We don't really know. HE MUMBLES
0:01:07 > 0:01:10So, it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13How it has come to mean asking people questions for points,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daly,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18who was a theatre proprietor in Dublin,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20in 1791 made a bet that within 48 hours
0:01:20 > 0:01:22he could get a word into common parlance,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and he distributed the word "quiz"
0:01:24 > 0:01:26to be put up on walls all over Dublin,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and it became part of the language.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31So really when they say - "Police are quizzing the suspect" -
0:01:31 > 0:01:32that's wrong, isn't it?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35No, that's from "inquisitive" and "inquisition".
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- So that's a separate...- Very good.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You've got it, you're in the right chair.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I had a little cold feeling, then!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I think with hook-a-duck they do that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- I think they purposely... - In "hook-a-dook"?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- "Hook-a-duck."- "Hook-a-duck."
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- I knew what you meant.- I'm foreign.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Hook-a-duck, oh, in the fair! At the fair?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Our vowel sounds are very similar to yours.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I did a gig in Norway,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28and they could understand me more than in Cheltenham.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Nowadays you can't fail at hook-a-duck.- Why?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Cos kids will kick off if they don't get something.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- So, what do you get? - You don't come away with nothing from anything in the fair any more.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Cos you used to get a fish in a bag,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and it would teach you about life and death.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Usually very quickly!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Those fish, they're not dead when they're floating on the surface, necessarily.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Can you make them better?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Yeah, feed them and put them in a proper tank!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59But when they grow, they grow to fill the tank.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You can get one about this big.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Really?!- Oh, yeah.- Goldfish in the wild are about 40-foot-long!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Absolutely huge!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I don't think that's true,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09they don't just keep filling the space, mate.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12No, I don't mean like they become a square fish!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15A big rectangular fish, like...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"It's tight in here!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I want to win one of those!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Are you a good sleeper, Noel, do you sleep well?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Yeah, I can sleep a lot, yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Apparently what you should do to find out how much you need to sleep,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35is you should spend a week not having an alarm clock at all,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and you should let your body just wake up when it needs to,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and log how many hours, and if you need six hours,
0:03:40 > 0:03:41and you need to get up at 7am,
0:03:41 > 0:03:42then you know what time you've got to go to bed.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Yes, but, Sandi, you'd need a wee at five.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Yes.- No matter what.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Yeah, it's very annoying.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56It's not like you particularly have that much wee to do.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You get there and you think, "Why have you woken me up for that?"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"I would rather have just left that in the bed.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06"We could have just dealt with that...in the morning!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I would say sometimes, in-the-middle-of-the-night wee,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12you can start thinking about something stressful,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14or get frightened by noises in the house.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Best just to stay asleep until it gets light.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Really the solution is some sort of an apparatus where you can sleep on the loo.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28My father was in hospital and he had a catheter fitted for a
0:04:28 > 0:04:31couple of weeks, and he said he'd never slept so well
0:04:31 > 0:04:33for about 50 years.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It's like when you go and stay in a hotel and they say
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- never use the kettle, because people pee in it, apparently.- No!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- What?!- You see, I don't want to know those things!- No!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- What?- I mean, how far away is the bathroom?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I always think that must be a man who pees in that kettle.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Pee in a kettle?! - I can say on behalf of men
0:04:55 > 0:04:59all over the country, we do not piss in kettles!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07You've got to take the lid off, you've got to unplug it,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10it's way too much effort.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I'm not making it up, it's a well-known fact.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I wouldn't come on QI and talk bullshit,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18I'm straight up with the facts.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21When you go to a hotel room, and there's water already in the kettle,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24that's a bit suspect. I always get rid of that.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28To be honest, boiled piss, it might change the flavour of the tea,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32but it's not a bacterial threat, is it?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Another thing, never eat the chocolate on the pillow.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Where's that been?!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Anyway, moving on.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46In 2015, they were very busy, they also discovered that giraffes hum.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- For pleasure?- Well, we don't know.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50They recorded giraffes at three different zoos,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and they found they make this really deep sound,
0:05:53 > 0:05:54it's just within human hearing range.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57They don't know if they're snoring or sleep-talking, or just saying,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"It's all right, I'm still here, don't you worry,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"light will come in the morning." They don't know what it is, but they hum at night.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Could they be a three-part harmony, like the Beverley Sisters?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09The Three Degrees, or the Beverley Sisters, yeah.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12That, to me, looks like the giraffe version of going into the loos with
0:06:12 > 0:06:14one of your friends when she's about to vomit...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- LAUGHTER - "I'm fine!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:24The one on the left's going, "Don't take a picture now!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:34That one on the left looks so drunk,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37it's trying to have sex with that tree.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She's only got one leg, but I'll have a go!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43She's still here, she can't be going anywhere!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I spent part of my childhood in East Africa,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and we had some neighbours who had a Mini which they were very pleased
0:06:48 > 0:06:50with, and they had brought it all the way from England, this Mini.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And one day they didn't come home,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and everybody was very worried about them. It turned out a giraffe had
0:06:55 > 0:07:00taken that rather interesting shape there, and tried to hump their Mini!
0:07:00 > 0:07:01And got stuck over the car!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07They couldn't open the doors, and then the giraffe couldn't get off.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12I guess they drove it back to England...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"We'll knock him off in the Dartford Tunnel!"
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Astonishing thing, twice a day the tide in the bay
0:07:26 > 0:07:29rises 28-foot-six-inches, to the point that it overtops
0:07:29 > 0:07:32the waterfall over which the Saint John River normally flows,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33and the river flows backwards.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Wow.- Isn't that amazing?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37We've learnt so much, haven't we?!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You've got to be careful with this show, what you take away from it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Because you can hear people in pubs, and they'll say this happened,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and you go, "No." And they'll go, "I saw it on QI."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Like, it's become that.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I was chatting to a friend of mine,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I said I was thinking about going to Venice.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57He said, "I don't do Venice, it's full of racists.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"It's a racist town." I said, "How's it a racist town?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He says, "Yeah." He says, "All the gondoliers,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- "they've got to be black. They have to be black."- What?!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06I said, "I don't think that's true."
0:08:06 > 0:08:08He said, "No. It's true, I saw it on QI."
0:08:08 > 0:08:11He said, "Honestly, I don't know how they've got past the EU with it,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"but every single one of them has to be black."
0:08:14 > 0:08:15I said, "I don't think that's true."
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Anyway, about three days later, he rang me up.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22He went, "I meant gondolas. The actual gondola."
0:08:22 > 0:08:25The gondola has to be black.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32So here's the thing, we're going to make our own nuisance call this evening.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36There is a number that anybody can ring in Sweden,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and it's a scheme set up by the country's tourism authority
0:08:39 > 0:08:42to celebrate 250 years of free speech in Sweden,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45and it's called Ring A Random Swede, OK?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48It's a genuine random thing.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51We have no idea who we're going to get.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53We've already pre-selected a question from a member of the
0:08:53 > 0:08:58audience, and the question is, why do you eat rotten fish?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Does anybody speak Swedish?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Here's the marvellous thing about Scandinavians,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- is that their English is really coming along(!)- OK.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15So, the marvellous, marvellous sound department are going to put a call through now,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19and obviously we'll have to explain what it is that we're doing to this person.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LINE RINGS, NUMBER DIALS
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LINE RINGS
0:09:45 > 0:09:48LINE RINGS
0:09:48 > 0:09:50INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE Hello?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Hi, my name is Sandi, I'm ringing from London, who's that?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Robin! Hi, you're my random Swede that I'm ringing!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01'Yeah.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Is it your first phone call from an English person?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09So, this is kind of exciting, Robin,
0:10:09 > 0:10:14because I'm ringing you from a live television studio in London.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17So you're on the BBC right now, is that OK?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21OK. So, I'll tell you what,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24we'll have a round of applause from our audience,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26maybe you can hear that.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:34So, what do you do, Robin?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Are you actually in the shop?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42OK.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43So, we have a question from our audience.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46you may be buying this now, what do I know?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Why do Swedish people eat rotten fish?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50is the question we want to ask you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It was lovely to speak to you, Robin!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You know when people say,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14like, an old woman died in her flat, and she was eaten by her cats.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- I mean...- What kind of a world do you live in?!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19People peeing in kettles, and old women...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Three days.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Three days and your cat will eat your face.- Yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Because it will have loosened up enough for it to get purchase.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Yeah.- NOEL:- What sort of show IS this?!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37They never say that, do they, about aged meat on a menu,
0:11:37 > 0:11:38with 20-day aged beef,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40they never use the phrase,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"It will have loosened up enough to get purchase".
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Say you took an average of every single person here in this room,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and we took height, and shoe size,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52and collar size, and all those things,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55you won't find anybody who's average in all respects.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56It just doesn't exist.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And it's called the jaggedness principle, and it really matters.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02So in the 1940s, the US Air Force, they thought, "I know what we'll do,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"we'll design a cockpit that fits absolutely everybody."
0:12:05 > 0:12:09The cockpit has yet to be designed that will fit my proportions.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11In what way?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Oh, in a plane?- In a plane. - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19How embarrassing. I thought you were talking about...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I try so hard with you boys.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24So they took the measurements of over 4,000 pilots,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28and they designed this cockpit seat based on these ten different body
0:12:28 > 0:12:32measurements, and it didn't fit a single pilot,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35because there isn't any such thing as normal,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and in the end they had to develop the adjustable seat for aeroplanes,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40because of the jaggedness principle.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42So, take me and Richard. So, Richard, you come here
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- just for a minute, darling. - Oh, goodness.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- So, if you wanted to do... - Where's the sun? Where's the sun?!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53If there was a jacket to be had
0:12:53 > 0:12:56for the average quiz show presenter...
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Can I just say, I'm very proud of Sandi and her time at the school...
0:13:00 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She won the grammar prize, well done.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You do know that people watching won't know who's,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and I don't use the word lightly, abnormally heighted.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- It could be that you're 25-foot. - Yes, yes.- We need some proportion.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I'm five-foot-nine, to give an indication(!)
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I used to work with the brilliant Humphrey Lyttelton,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and Humphrey was exactly the same height as me when he was kneeling.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- I bet I am.- Shall we try that? OK.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Right, here we go.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Oh, just about!- Not far off.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:48What's the worst noise in the world?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So, we have some props where you can make some noises.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Oh, hello.- Let's have a look.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54So, let's start with Nish and Alan.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56HIGHPITCHED BLEEPING That's very irritating, isn't it?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- Oh, God.- Wow. All right, stop it.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LOUD HONK
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Do you remember what that is, Nish?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- This is a vuvuzela. - It is a vuvuzela, yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Which ruined the 2010 World Cup.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09It's a hideous noise, isn't it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Well, luckily I have grade seven in vuvuzela, so we're fine.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15LOUD SCRAPING Oh, Alan, Alan...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24That is awful.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28HE PLAYS HIGHPITCHED RECORDER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35We've got a band going! Don't stop!
0:14:35 > 0:14:39SHE PLAYS VIOLIN BADLY
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I've got a mirror and this cube of white stuff.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Is the most annoying sound in the world me on drugs?!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55I think this is polystyrene, and...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57LOUD SQUEAKING Oh!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00The Journal of Neuroscience gave the top ten most annoying sounds.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Apparently the most annoying is a knife on a bottle,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05but we haven't been able to work out why that is.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08This one we can do. This is number two, a fork...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09- NISH:- Oh, God.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# I got the power. #
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh! Stop, stop, stop!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21That's very unpleasant, isn't it?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22This is the old...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25ALARM BLEEPS
0:15:25 > 0:15:29What is worse than this is when it just goes, "Doot."
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And then four minutes later goes, "Doot."
0:15:36 > 0:15:40And you can't work out which one it is. It's somewhere in the house.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- "Doot." - LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:44The thing that I love about, like,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47any sort of smoke alarm is that we've advanced so far
0:15:47 > 0:15:50technologically and yet we still haven't got beyond the only way
0:15:50 > 0:15:53to solve a smoke alarm is to have a tea towel and just do this.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Now, what did Highland Warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Kilts.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06- SIREN WAILS - No. Not kilts.- No.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Here's a random Scandinavian fact.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Oh, OK.- The word "kilt" comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning "tuck".
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- So it's actually a Danish word. - Oh?- Yes, that's rather fine.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts when they went into
0:16:18 > 0:16:20battle. What did they wear? Anybody know?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21- Dungarees.- Pantaloons.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- No, it was a yellow tunic. - A yellow tunic?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27A yellow tunic called a leine croich.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30The bloke on the left has got one of those umbrella hats from the fair.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yes. They're rather fine, aren't they?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33He's trying to knock it off.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "That's a stupid hat."
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's not even raining!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46but if they didn't have saffron they used to use...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Urine.- Yes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Horse urine. - Very keen on the yellow then.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Piss-stained tunic.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Urine was in all the tweeds as well, cos they used to use it to fix the colour in the tweeds.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Yeah, but still, you know, can we not make it green from the grass?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00No, keep on pissing on it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06That horse has got the hots for the painter.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Now you're getting my best side.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16"Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake."
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- My mum would summon me home by whistling.- Seriously?- Yeah.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26And she taught me how to do it with the two fingers there.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31- Wow.- Now, I could hear that three miles away.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Me and my brother would be playing with my mates.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36We'd be out all day and then at tea-time my mum would go out
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- the back door and go... - HE WHISTLES
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- And then we would...- Wow. That is a seriously good whistle.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- We would come back.- One time, do you remember we were in Manchester?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Oh, yeah, yeah. - And I had to get a train?- Yeah.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And the taxi went by and I went, "Taxi!" Like that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55- And he ignored me and it went about 50 yards and it did that and it braked.- It went...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Was the taxi driver your mum?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Now, can you describe a bearded tit?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10If anyone says David Baddiel, I'm leaving.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Well, once you get past 30, it does happen.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- We don't always talk about it. - No woman should be without tweezers.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- No.- Or the skill of platting.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- That's true. Give the children something to hang on to.- Exactly.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Like a sports bra, tie them together round the back, bosh. Off.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I sometimes feel when I speak to you, Ross,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41that I haven't thought things through.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- All I'm saying is you're welcome. - Thank you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Now, could you please do an impression
0:18:48 > 0:18:50of a trout faking an orgasm?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Oh, Deirdre's off.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Looks like a really bad face-lift.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Well, I'm trying to be a sarcastic trout.- Sarcastic trout?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- The gills, it would be... - A trout faking an orgasm?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Was that it?- Yeah, I'm done.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, the river moved for me as well."
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Anybody else want to try? You do a fine line in animal impersonations.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, I'm not sure. I feel like I'd have to move my tail.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'm sure the tail...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I don't believe anybody is stopping you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45If you have just tuned in...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49That was Alan being a trout faking an orgasm.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- The mouth opened... - APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:59My husband makes me sleep facing away from him,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00cos I breathe too loudly.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04That's quite weird, isn't it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Well, like those two in the picture.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Oh, yeah.- When I got married, another thing I found out,
0:20:08 > 0:20:12that wasn't usual to put your underwear and your socks on before
0:20:12 > 0:20:13you put any of your clothes on.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Are you supposed to put it on afterwards?- No, no.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Did you marry a superhero?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- I put my underwear on.- Yeah. - And then I put my socks on.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- And then I put my outerwear on. - And what's wrong with that?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Well, apparently it's weird to put your socks on before
0:20:28 > 0:20:30you put your trousers and your top on.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I think your husband is telling you that things he does
0:20:33 > 0:20:36are things that everyone does.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It is perfectly reasonable to put your socks on
0:20:39 > 0:20:40before your trousers or shirt.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44It is also perfectly reasonable to breathe while you're asleep.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The problem in your house is he keeps pissing in the kettle.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58But at least you can stand up, so for women it's really difficult,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00because you sort of have to hover, don't you? And I remember one time,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I went to the ladies and the lock didn't quite work. This is a very
0:21:03 > 0:21:06tricky moment for a woman, cos you have to sort of hover.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And I, so obsessed with not making a mess on the seat, I thought,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"Oh, sod it, I'll just sit down." And as I sat down,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15the door burst open and a woman came straight in and she went,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Oh, I'm so sorry." And then she shut the door again
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and then she burst it open again and she went, "You're Sandi Toksvig..."
0:21:21 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:31But what is Britain's biggest national secret?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33If we tell it, it won't be a secret any more.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Ah, well, that is true and that was a thing that worried people
0:21:35 > 0:21:36for a long, long time.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- So, we're in London.- Right.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Was it the London Tower, something up there?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- It is a tower. Tower is right, Jerry.- Is The Shard a secret?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Is there some enormous building that isn't supposed to...?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Yes, there is an enormous building that was a secret for years and years and years.- The Gherkin.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- BT Tower.- The Post Office Tower.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- The BT Tower is exactly right. - Oh, the BT Tower.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56It was built in 1965 and was considered such an important
0:21:56 > 0:21:58part of the telecoms infrastructure
0:21:58 > 0:22:01that it was classified as an official secret!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- What?!- Cos no-one can see it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04- No. I know.- Oh, my God.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It was Britain's tallest building.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09It contained a public viewing gallery and a revolving restaurant.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Nevertheless...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I went to that place once for a charity event
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and Rick Astley was singing.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18It was wonderful.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20And I went to the loo, which is in the middle,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and when I came out of the loo it had revolved
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and I came out right on stage next to him!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32He was going, # Never going to give you up...#
0:22:35 > 0:22:37But the restaurant was fantastic.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Did you ever go to the revolving restaurant?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- No. No, I haven't been. - It was just glorious.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And in 2009, BT said they were going to reopen it, and anybody who's ever
0:22:44 > 0:22:48had a promise from BT will know that that never happened.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51You get a lot of e-mails saying your order is on its way.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59A male black widow spider and a female black widow spider
0:22:59 > 0:23:01have just finished having sex.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03What happens next?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Yeah, Ross?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Tiny cigarette.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It wouldn't be a tiny cigarette, would it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It'd be eight tiny cigarettes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Shall we do it again?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Maybe she could try and kill him in that way rather than by eating him,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34which I think is the answer that we were being led towards.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Ah, she eats him.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39SIREN WAILS
0:23:43 > 0:23:46No, she does not if she's a black widow.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So there is one species in the widow group in which the female, well,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- let's say, routinely eats the male. - Scottish Widows.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yes, but at least she's insured.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Right, speaking of ears, I'm going to play you two recordings, OK?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08One is of hot water being poured into a bowl
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and one is of cold water being poured into a bowl.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I want you to tell me which is which, so here's the first one.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LIQUID POURS
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And here is the second one.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22LIQUID POURS
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- So...- Sorry, I need a wee.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29What do we think the first one is?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Hot or cold?- Hot.- Hot.- Hot.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Everybody? Hot? - Yes, I'll go hot.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I thought it was the first one. Sounded like emptying a kettle
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and the second one sounded like filling a kettle.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- Oh. OK. Yeah. WOMAN:- Ooh!
0:24:45 > 0:24:49The audience has taken to mocking me.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Since Stephen left they've just turned.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53There are sitting there going,
0:24:53 > 0:24:59"No-one's taking the piss out of that idiot, it's up to us."
0:24:59 > 0:25:01That woman there.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You said one was filled, one was...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I think that woman went, "Oh!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- "Oh, yeah!"- That was admiration.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Admiration?- Yeah.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The sound of admiration? I've never heard that before.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Obviously cos I'm unfamiliar.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19The second one sounded kind of crisp and cold and I wanted a drink.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21OK, let's have one more listen, so here is the first one.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Everyone listen.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25LIQUID POURS
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And the second one.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30LIQUID POURS
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Can we just bear in mind, this is QI,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36so I've got a feeling it might be somebody pouring soup onto a horse.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I promise you it's hot and cold water.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Hands up who thinks the first one is hot.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53And hands up who thinks the first one is cold.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Ooh, that's weird.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58OK, so, it is about the right percentage.
0:25:58 > 0:26:0196% correctly usually identify the first one as hot.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05AUDIENCE WHOOPS So, yes!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08So, they do make different noises, because hot water is, kind of,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10slightly less sticky is the thing of it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Molecules in it have more energy from the heat,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15as when hot water hits a hard surface, it breaks up into smaller
0:26:15 > 0:26:18particles and it makes a higher-pitched splashing noise
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- than cold water.- Oh, OK.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- So, but now you'll know.- Good.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23So that's good.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I'll be like, "Ah, that was hot."
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Yes.- The next time you pour boiling water on yourself, you'll be like,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Is it hot? Oh, by the sound of it, yes, I am, I've boiled my hand."
0:26:34 > 0:26:38OK, how would you consume the original Humpty Dumpty?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Is it that he wasn't an egg, he was something else?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Is correct. Yes.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46It has always been sort of a nickname, but it wasn't an egg.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48In fact, in the early depictions of the rhyme,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50he is actually depicted as a child.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53There he is, not looking entirely content.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Some people think it might have been a story about Richard III depicted
0:26:56 > 0:26:58as humpbacked in Tudor histories.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01And he was defeated and despite all his kings men and horses
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- at the Battle of Bosworth. - Oh, isn't he gorgeous?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07So when did it start becoming about an egg?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Because it's an egg, isn't it?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Well, we now think of it as an egg,
0:27:10 > 0:27:17but the earliest citation in the OED is for a drink made with ale,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19boiled with brandy...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Yes, please.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- ..and I have some here.- Oh!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25And I have five glasses.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, yes. Are you sharing it out or just having a brilliant time?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I am sharing it out.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31So, here is the thing as well,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- the traditional...- Keep pouring!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38The traditional food that is eaten at a Danish Christmas is something
0:27:38 > 0:27:42called aebleskiver. They are a little tiny, like a pancake,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45thing which you have in jam and these have been made for me
0:27:45 > 0:27:47by a brilliant Danish chef Bronte Aurell, from the
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Scandinavian Kitchen in London who's here in the audience.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- Where are you, Bronte? Give us a wave.- Hello.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Brilliant. Have a glass, here we are.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01So you tip the jam on your head and then rub the pastry in.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- And there we go. - It tastes medicinal.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07God, that's horrific.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Not the food.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13So, Humpty Dumpty was originally a mixture...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- This is lovely.- Look at all me jam!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- I never had a happy childhood. I wasn't happy.- We'll get a taxi.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- I didn't like you either! - We'll get a taxi.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Let's all just get a taxi.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28We'll sort it out outside.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Humpty Dumpty was originally a drink...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40..of ale and brandy and you consumed it like this, cheers to everybody.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44- Cheers.- Cheers.- Skal! - Cheers to the audience.