0:00:22 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Hey!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40About a third of the total used by British fertility clinics
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- is Viking sperm.- Wow.- Really?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Why have they got so much?
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Is it because it's dark like 20 hours out of 24?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49It doesn't get dark in Denmark like that.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52How do you cope with having one and a half hours of daylight?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- It doesn't happen. - It doesn't happen!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Denmark's the same as Scotland, where you come from.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, applauding that.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11It's up in the Arctic Circle, like way, way further.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14A Danish winter is about one and a half hours daylight.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15No, darling, no.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17You keep saying the same thing.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- It's true.- It's wrong. - It's not, it's true.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- An hour and a half... - So... No darling...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I've been there. An hour-and-a-half.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Here's the thing, if that's not true and the more you say it,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32the more points are going to make it not true for you.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34All right, when I went to Denmark, right...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Was it night-time?- It was winter.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- INAUDIBLE - It was always night-time.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:46You've come home late, you've slept through the day -
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I did it as a teenager - and you wake up at five in the afternoon and
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- you don't see the daylight. You're like a ghost.- But for all...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58It was dark for 20-odd hours per day in winter.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01But your inability to distinguish the Scandinavian countries means
0:02:01 > 0:02:03it's possible you were in Norway.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06That is possible.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08It is possible I was in one of the other countries.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11But is it not true? It was about an hour and a half...
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Stop saying it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Puritan couples could have a conversation and they would talk
0:02:17 > 0:02:19through a tube and, in fact,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22those were then used as the very first commercial hearing aids,
0:02:22 > 0:02:23about 1800.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26So, have a look at that. These ones are actually...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28This will work, will it?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29- If you speak...- Oh, Jesus.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:32What's wrong with you?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Speak in it to yourself and then you can hear most clearly.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I can just do that.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Hello, Ross. Hello.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Hello.- I can hear you. - Germany calling.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49The one in the picture, we actually have here.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Oh, that's the one in the picture? - The one in the picture.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I can't look quite as cheerful.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I can hear the sea.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Is that what you're supposed to...?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:02You know how people worry about what earrings to wear?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Those, I think, are working. They're working for you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You look like Mickey Mouse and Prince Charles had a child.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You put that bit in your ear, you wombat.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Hello.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I wonder will this like amplify it between that and the...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, no way.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Just to get on the show again, you must be joking.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33How do you get urine off a nun?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I don't think that nuns pee at all.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Oh.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I know a lot about nuns.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Do you? Why's that?- Because I was educated by them and it was
0:03:45 > 0:03:48in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Right. And they never weed?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Never. I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Very long frocks and they might have some sort of divine catheter or
0:03:58 > 0:03:59something, but they don't...
0:03:59 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03But you don't see them coming out of the bathroom.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08The divine catheter are a great group, aren't they?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine Catheter".
0:04:15 > 0:04:18In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks used to have
0:04:18 > 0:04:21the equivalent of a gravy boat on a sort of ribbon for long church services.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining in our heads?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Yes, they did. They actually did. - A gravy boat on a ribbon.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Yep.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Is this urine in the picture, or is it just something...?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37The gravy boat's fallen off.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Help me!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44That's "The gravy boat's fallen off."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Is it necessary to get urine off nuns?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It was necessary. It was the 1960s.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53A condiment?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Curiously, these never events do occur.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I was hosting the British Funeral Director's Awards recently.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14We've got to get you a new agent, dude.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16It was quite quiet initially.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I hope you opened with that.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25It took place at the end of the day. They'd had their trade show in the
0:05:25 > 0:05:30venue and so around the edges the room there were coffins, caskets,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Were you picking a new home?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:40 > 0:05:42No, sorry. Because he's old and he'll be dead soon.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- I'm sorry if I've... - LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Can I tell you something, Jimmy?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50This is.... I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52because this morning, this very morning,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56I received a letter through the post inviting me to be the new face of
0:05:56 > 0:05:58the Stannah stairlift.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Take it!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08And... The worst thing about this...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Grin and bank it, Giles.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The worst thing about this is, my wife said,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"I think we should consider this."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Then, this is a true story, this is a true story,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I then phoned them up and I said,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23have you thought of Nigel Havers?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I'm afraid this is not the first invitation of its kind I've received
0:06:33 > 0:06:36because I also... this is maybe how they got hold of my name.
0:06:36 > 0:06:42I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor
0:06:42 > 0:06:44reaching for the alarm.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Yep, that one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Jerry, now, this time that we're talking about, the Battle of Normandy,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04you were in the UK.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, I'd been born six months earlier, yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- And where were you?- I was actually born in Highgate, in a Tube station.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- During an air raid?- Not during an air raid, but you didn't know.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- Your mother just missed her train and...- Yes. Yes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23because those were the bomb shelters.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Have you been back to the station?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:34You need to have been conceived to have a plaque there.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39When you were Mayor of Cincinnati... 1977, is that right?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40'77, '78, yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Oh, my God. - What are you doing in that picture?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Well, you know, when you're Mayor
0:07:45 > 0:07:49you get a lot of ceremonial things to do, so it probably was some...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, I know! That's when I got circumcised.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:57That's when everybody got circumcised.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Is it true about Cincinnati that there is a full abandoned subway system
0:08:02 > 0:08:04that was never used that's underneath the city?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Yeah, they ran out of money, actually, and so it was never completed,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- but, yes, there is. - So, are there stations and...?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Yeah.- Why did they not do it...?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13It was before my time.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17If I were Mayor, we would have finished that subway.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Quite right indeed.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21APPLAUSE
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Oh, if you've been to the big market in Newcastle on a Saturday night...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I hope that women did do duelling as well.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yeah, they did, it was called petticoat duels.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36And possibly the most famous...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46That's kind of snatch and grab.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I never thought of hiding a pistol there!
0:08:52 > 0:08:57So, the most famous one, 1892 in Austria, it was a topless duel...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Oh, that's brilliant.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Channel 5, where are you?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg
0:09:06 > 0:09:07and what I love about it,
0:09:07 > 0:09:08it's said to have been caused
0:09:08 > 0:09:12by a disagreement over a flower arrangement.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Any excuse, that sounds like.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20Yeah, well I don't like the flowers, so get your top off.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I'll "duel" you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Apparently both women were worried that if they were wounded and
0:09:26 > 0:09:28some fabric into the wound, it would get infected.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33It's the very first emancipated duel in that every single person who took
0:09:33 > 0:09:36part - all the seconds, the two duellers and, indeed, the medic -
0:09:36 > 0:09:38were all women. It's hard to say who won.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41The Princess, she was injured first on the nose,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43so the Countess got first blood, as it were,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45but she was then injured on the arm, which is a better wound.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So, there's points for where you cut the person, then?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Yeah, who does better.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52As long as you come out with both your nipples,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I'm sure you'll be all right.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Milk everywhere.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Boobs aren't full of milk. That's not why we have...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Do you suppose that there's milk all the time?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16So, we've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Boobs are sometimes full of milk.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Possibly not those four.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Stop it!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Stop it!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36You are perforated.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I often wonder how we get to where we do.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Now, I've been practising this and I can do it about one in three.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52So, you've all got an opportunity to give this a go.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56There we go. That was pretty cool.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:05OK. So, it is just a length of chain and then you place the ring
0:11:05 > 0:11:07up in like this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11If you hold it with your thumb and then hold it with one of your
0:11:11 > 0:11:13fingers and what you need to do,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16you just let the finger go and not the thumb.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17- Just try and let the...- Oh, yes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Yeah, Ross has got it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Just a few more goes. - All right, you're determined.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Put the chain... OK.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Don't make me get up and show you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34So, make your hand wide like this,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37OK, and then hook your thumb like this,
0:11:37 > 0:11:38but then hook the chain,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41just hold that like that and only let your finger go.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I feel like a teaching assistant.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Where can you get one of those this time of day?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Oh, yes.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00CHEERING
0:12:03 > 0:12:06What's the worst thing you can do on a bed of nails?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Fall from a great height.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10I would say so.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'd say an orgy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I think that getting nailed on some nails would be a terrible thing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Well, here's the thing.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22So, I think you could have an orgy if you were fantastically careful
0:12:22 > 0:12:24about how you got on and off.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Are we talking about the nails or the people?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It's about the even distribution of weight across the nails.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I did do this.- Did you?- I went on a bed of nails with a contortionist.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38What a night that was.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I filmed it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And he showed me how to lie and it's all right if you're lying down,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47but he said be very careful,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50because your instinct when you get up is to put your weight on your hands
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and then that really hurts a lot.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57When I was at school, one afternoon, for some reason,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59some circus skills people came round
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and tried to teach us all circus skills.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07I love the heavy note of disapproval in your voice.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Absolute waste of bloody time!
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I was seven.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15You can learn circus skills later, what I needed was maths.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19They came round and tried to teach us how to juggle,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22we couldn't juggle, tried to put clown make up on,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24some of us had an allergic reaction, you know...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29One of the things was a bed of nails and they taught us how to lie on
0:13:29 > 0:13:32a bed of nails and the way you lie on a bed of nails is you just lie
0:13:32 > 0:13:33on it and it's fine.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37When I was at boarding school, at the beginning of every year,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39you had to put your skirt on
0:13:39 > 0:13:40and then you had to kneel in front of matron
0:13:40 > 0:13:45and the top of your hem had to touch the floor and if it didn't,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- you had to go and get a new skirt. - Or a bigger pen.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Bigger pen?- Just get the bigger pen
0:13:51 > 0:13:53and then you can have a shorter skirt.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Bigger pen, you see, so it reached...
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I'm pretty sure it was "hem", Lee.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- It was hem.- Oh, I thought you said "pen".
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- No, hem.- I wondered why everyone was looking at me, going, what's he
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- talking about?- I love that Lee has such confidence that he can say
0:14:05 > 0:14:07there's no way that joke didn't work.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Yeah. There must be a technical error on that, because this is gold,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12this stuff.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Oh, a hem!
0:14:17 > 0:14:23I was once in a gymnasium and I was on the leg extension...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Honestly, no.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Right, there's a thing, right, and you put your feet on it like that.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Please don't fart now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Clear the studio.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37You put your feet on it and you push with your legs
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and as I started to push
0:14:40 > 0:14:44I let out the longest...
0:14:44 > 0:14:48it was so long that as I went like that it changed key.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I went...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- And the guy...- You know what that's called?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's called a trombone.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, it got me thrown out of the Salvation Army.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01And I went...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It was... Because the note changed,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I laughed so much and I turned to the bloke in the gym and went,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13"I bet that happens all the time," and he went, "No".
0:15:13 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Name the cause of the first mass extinction.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh, now this is a trick one,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26but there was one before that, wasn't there?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28After 14 years, he understands the format.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42And the thing I still can't do is think in my head.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Run, Forrest!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Where do you think, then?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Out of my mouth. - In your mouth.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Is it ice, ice?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- It is not ice...- ..Baby. - No.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Very good. They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03There was a massive extinction.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09It's sea anemone greed and really the invention of the mouth.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11So, what happens is, these are...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14This is when the problems come, when we invent the mouth.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yes. These are Ediacarans and they are the first complex life forms
0:16:18 > 0:16:21on earth and they hung around on the sea floor
0:16:21 > 0:16:23for about 37 million years.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27they just lived through osmosis.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28They got along fine.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32They're just fine. And then, what happens is the Cambrian explosion,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36so that's, give or take a Tuesday, about 542 million years ago,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38we suddenly get life forms rocketing,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40because there's more oxygen around
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and you get sea anenome-like creatures,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- they have a mouth and do you know what they did?- They ate them.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48And the terrible, tragic thing was
0:16:48 > 0:16:51that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Oh, don't, that's so sad. - Yep. No mouth.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...- Or warn each other.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I've had boyfriends like that and I understand how they feel.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Nothing you can do, just let them get on with it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14It's been a learning experience being with you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I went to an exhibition at the Tate and it was on pop art and there was
0:17:17 > 0:17:19a room that was set aside from everyone else
0:17:19 > 0:17:21because it was very explicit,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25by this artist called Jeff Coons who does basically high art,
0:17:25 > 0:17:26but pornography.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And this middle-class woman and her two kids came up and the guy on
0:17:29 > 0:17:33the door stopped them and said, this is for over-18s only, you can't come in.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And she said, I'll go in, have a look, come back out and tell you what I saw.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39So, she went into the room and she came back out a split second later,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42completely ashen-faced and I heard her lean down to these two kids and
0:17:42 > 0:17:45she said, what happens between a man and woman is a beautiful thing,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48what I saw in that room is of no help to anyone.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Like what he said after the circus skills one.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I'm trying to get my head around long division,
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I don't need this bullshit.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Is it a large piece of land, a forest?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08It is, it's a massive piece of land.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Here is the thing that Norway has that Finland doesn't really have.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Norway has hundreds of very big mountains and Finland doesn't.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And this is the nicest gift, they're going to give them a mountain.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- Oh, wow.- This is the Halti range, it's on the border of the two countries.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26They're going to give them the Halditsohkka peak.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30It's only 4,366 feet high, but it doesn't even come into Norway's
0:18:30 > 0:18:32top 200 highest peaks.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36It will be Finland's highest mountain.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39But they'll have to come and visit it, they can't put it...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It's on the border, so the border will just go...
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I like you, I like you so much
0:18:54 > 0:18:56because I found myself explaining that.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04What does the world's fussiest eater eat?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Correct.- Is it something that is so fussy that it just doesn't eat
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- and then dies? - No, it's very specific.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It only likes one thing on the menu.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18It's so deeply unpleasant.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22There are a few parasites who have cornered the market so decisively.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23It's a little leech.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It rarely sees the light of day because it lives
0:19:26 > 0:19:28up a hippopotamus's bottom.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It's called Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42so if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44it really has to go to the rectal region because that's where
0:19:44 > 0:19:46the blood vessels are. The skin is vascular.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- It's where the best restaurants are. - Seriously, best place to hang out.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Here's the thing, has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- No. I've not seen that.- Well, it's the most extraordinary thing
0:19:56 > 0:19:59because they are noted for the violence of their bowel movements, OK.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03I know how they feel, guys.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Why are their bowel movements so violent? I'm interested!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10OK, so it is extraordinary.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16It has a fantastic grip!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20which provide incredible anchorage,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- so while this poo is spraying everywhere.- Well...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Yes, Ross?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Is it something helpful?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Yeah, it is!
0:20:27 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- I have a slight confession. - Yes?- Right.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I recently was bored in a hotel room...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- No!
0:20:40 > 0:20:45If you go online, and type in "hippos pooing", right?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there, why would you do that?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Start with moss.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Plot your way out.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Bears... in the woods.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- And there... - LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:04..there are huge amounts of videos of people filming hippos at zoos,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06who, their tail goes up, and they go...
0:21:07 > 0:21:08It's unbelievable.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I don't know how it, it just sort of...
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Have you got a leech?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31In fact, they've taken the little leeches into the lab and offered
0:21:31 > 0:21:34them other things to eat, and they refuse.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35So it's not interested in the dung at all?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- No, it doesn't want the dung. - It just hears it coming!
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Yeah, wa-a-ah!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Make of this nonsensical question what you will.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Who blows their nose for something to eat?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59My children.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I suppose there might be some good bacteria in your mucus.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That's what I was told about children doing...
0:22:04 > 0:22:08That does actually help their immune system, to consume their bogies.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- Yeah.- Was that one of your children that told you that?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Because I think that...- "It's very good for me, actually!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:18There's a conflict of interest there.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Is it an anteater?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Is it an anteater?- Well, they suck up ants through their noses,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- don't they?- Yes,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28but we're actually looking for something that blows its nose.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Blows its nose...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Yes?- Bird, mammal?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Bird-mammal... Are you trying to psych me out so I tell you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Trying. - OK, it's a worm, you did it!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Oh, well, here is the extraordinary thing. Have a look at this.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48This is a...
0:22:48 > 0:22:52ALL: EUGH!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Make it stop!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06It's called a nemertean, or a ribbon worm.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And it literally blows its nose,
0:23:08 > 0:23:13so explosively ejects its proboscis from its body, in search of food.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15They are also known as proboscis worms.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Is that snot, then?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17No, it's its nose.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19And when they detect food, or prey,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23the muscle contractions of the body wall forces the proboscis,
0:23:23 > 0:23:24literally its nose, out of the body,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- and it turns it inside out like a rubber glove.- Right.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30OK? And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and it's got these branching spaghetti-like tentacles on its proboscis,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36which then envelops the prey with a sticky toxin,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and draws it back into the body.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Are you telling me that it ate that bloke?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Let's have another look, let's have one more...- No, let's not!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It's amazing, isn't it?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56No!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Was it not more prevalent post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Isn't there a theory that they died because of a change in temperature?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Well, the thing is, dinosaurs were neither warm- nor cold-blooded,
0:24:09 > 0:24:10but they were somewhere in between.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- They were just right, weren't they? - Yeah, they were just right!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- They liked to sit on the fence. - Lovely Goldilocks blood.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Because, there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21One of the things is, you have to keep eating to get fuel
0:24:21 > 0:24:23to maintain the constant body temperature.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34where they died out because over a certain temperature all the eggs
0:24:34 > 0:24:38hatched as male, and below a certain temperature they all hatched
0:24:38 > 0:24:40as female? And then the temperature went down,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and they all hatched as female, and then there were no more, no-one to mate with.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Well, there are as many theories about how the dinosaurs...
0:24:46 > 0:24:50But that's the correct one. The one that I can vaguely remember,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I'm 90% sure is 100% correct.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55There's someone who's never watched King Kong.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Massive gorilla, mate.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Twatted all of them.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Well, that's spoilt the end of that film.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Time for another parlour game.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Who knows how to play this?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15You're blindfolded, I'm guessing?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Yes, you are.- You're blindfolded, and you're as tall as a newspaper.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24This is a British one, which I frankly don't understand, OK.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31one of you shouts out, "Are you there Moriarty?"
0:25:31 > 0:25:33The other one shouts, "Yes".
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And the one who said, "Are you there, Moriarty", then tries to hit them with the newspaper.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- I'll be the shouter.- OK.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- You take turns, you take turns. - Oh, all right, OK.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Obviously, I'm going to have to hit the target, but I'm not sure
0:25:45 > 0:25:48how comfortable I am hitting a woman on national television.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50It's Susan, you'll be all right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Right, left hands held.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Give me your hand.- Left hand, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- OK, so, Matt?- Yes?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:03And Susan, you're going to say, "Yes".
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- And then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her.- OK.- OK, go.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Are you there, Moriarty?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Yes.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Do I try again? - You try again, now, Susan.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Sorry, I thought you meant...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Right.- Go on, Susan. - Are you there, Moriarty?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21No, I'm not, no.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Ow! Ow!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- Do you know what?- Yeah?- I love the idea that someone has turned on this for the first time,
0:26:30 > 0:26:36and gone, "It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this!"
0:26:41 > 0:26:43AH!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I know you're there!
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Ow! Ow!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This is good, this is good.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51I found her, so I don't need to...
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Right, you two, come on, let's have a go. So, put your blindfold on...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Oh, there we go.- There we go. Right.- Do we stand up?- No...
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Ow!
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I think Alan's won.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08So, now, hold left hands.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I'm not going near him, he's an animal!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Hold left hands.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15OK, so, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Are you there, Moriarty?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Ow. Ow!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Alan, so, you have to say... - How am I doing?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26He missed! Let me just do it again.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36OK? Right, Josh.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- Are you there, Moriarty?- Yes.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Now, try and escape.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Just one hit!
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Ow!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I don't... Ow!
0:27:48 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Ow!
0:27:59 > 0:28:00No!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Josh, you were rubbish at that game, you were rubbish!
0:28:16 > 0:28:20I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film, but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I'm not sure that was the problem.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I think the overall winner of that is Alan.