0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36How lovely!
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Welcome to QI, where tonight it's a lot of noble rot with knobs on.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Nibbling at the upper crust are the incomparable king of comedy,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Jason Manford.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, hello.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56The quintessential queen of quips, Sarah Pascoe.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04The peerless Prince of pleasantries, Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And Lordy, Lordy, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Right. Please ring down for service.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Jason goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23SMALL BELL TINKLES
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Sarah goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Jeremy goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LARGE BELL CLANGS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And Alan goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:35ACAPELLA SINGING
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-ding Ring, ring, ring... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Let's start off by hobnobbing with a top nobs.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Name a nobleman who invented a hot drink you might enjoy with a hobnob.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- JEREMY:- Coffee Annan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56That's a drink and a snack, I think.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Baron Horlicks?- Very good.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Hobnobs, of course, are an impostor
0:02:01 > 0:02:03and no nobleman would have had a hobnob.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- No, that is true. - They have the air of a classic.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08They do, and yet it's a PR invention.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Actually, there is a kind of '70s hallucination.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14OK. So this hot drink is also a kind of PR invention,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17which we called by the name of the Lord, but it isn't really.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Earl Grey.- Earl Grey. - It is Earl Grey.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23It is a black tea which has been flavoured with bergamot oil,
0:02:23 > 0:02:24and it is named after Earl Grey.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Almost certainly nothing to do with it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Even though I think it continues to say so on the packaging.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What about Lady Grey?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- I like Lady Grey.- I was going to ask that. That's lovely, that one.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, you and me both! But... LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- It's not a euphemism, it's an actual tea!- Oh, I see.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I'm not into Earl Grey.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- Why's that?- It's like someone's melted some pot pourri in a cup.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48The fact it smells exactly like it tastes is weird.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yeah. You do know you're drunk at a party
0:02:50 > 0:02:53if you're eating the pot pourri, don't you?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55POT pourri, he started this.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- POT pourri.- POT pourri is how it's said, isn't it, Jason?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, why, is there another pronunciation of it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- I'm going to say Po Pourri. - Oh, I see.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Po Pourri. I don't know, we don't have it in our house.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Do we know why it's been named after Earl Grey?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- I've no idea.- Indeed, that is correct.- He insisted.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12No, he was probably dead 40 years when somebody first came up with it.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, like Jesus.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:26If I'd said that I'd be in so much... He probably will be.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Anybody know what Earl Grey IS famous for?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31When was he alive?
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Well, I can tell you when he was in government, which is from 1830-1834.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Was it a law? Was it a movement? - It is a law.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40OK, so 1830...
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- 1832 there was an important law. What was that one, Jeremy?- Yes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- In 1830...- Corn Laws. Repealing the Corn Laws.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- It's the Great Reform Act. - The police...
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- That's it!- Great Reform Act...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding... #
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Yes?- The Great Reform Act of 1832.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yes. So the reforming government extended the right to vote
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and got rid of the rotten boroughs, when there were, maybe,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07only nine voters returning a member of Parliament,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09so it's hard to re-establish the authority of Parliament.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14But it was also that he led the most nepotistic government
0:04:14 > 0:04:18in British history. OK?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19It was described as the most
0:04:19 > 0:04:23aristocratic administration that has ever been formed.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27All but one of his 13 Cabinet members were either peers
0:04:27 > 0:04:29or heirs to a peerage and, in the lower ranks,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- large numbers of his own family. - Did they call it 50 Shades Of Grey?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36They should have done. LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- They would have been ahead of the game.- And pretty sexy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I don't...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Tea, of course, the great British cure-all.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46There are some historians who consider that tea ought to take
0:04:46 > 0:04:48credit for the fact that the Industrial Revolution
0:04:48 > 0:04:50happened first in Britain. Why might that be?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Caffeine.- What, keeping you awake? - Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- No, it's not that. - What was the question?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No, I was, I'm a bit deaf.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- I'm so glad you joined us. - You're mocking the afflicted.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Not at all.- That's my job!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06SHE SHOUTS: Some historians take a view...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yep.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It was last Tuesday! LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:13There are historians who take a view that tea is responsible
0:05:13 > 0:05:16for the Industrial Revolution. Why might it be?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- A determination to get tea here quickly?- No.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22So, industrialisation, what happens is you get a concentration
0:05:22 > 0:05:25of the population in cities and that usually leads to epidemics.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26However, in Britain
0:05:26 > 0:05:29the health got better rather than worse in cities...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Oh, cos they were boiling the water?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Because they were boiling the water. - They didn't have the germs.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Exactly right. So other foods associated, I don't know,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38more or less plausibly with eponymous nobles?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Baron Kit Kat?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44A Baron Kit Kat sounds like one without chocolate on it, doesn't it?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Good one.- Which I find too rich. Does anybody like beef Wellington?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- I like it, me.- Do you?- Yeah, we didn't get it much at school.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Did you not? - I've grown into the taste, yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Battenberg cake which was created especially for
0:06:03 > 0:06:07the marriage of Prince Louis of Battenberg in 1884.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Are we looking for titled people who give their names to food?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Well, yes. That would be ideal.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Wellington.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I will catch up with you in about five minutes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:24It's a new thing. Honestly, have you tried being deaf?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25It's bloody difficult!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- You can't...- Sorry?- It is.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Put your fingers in your ears. It's all just like I'm underwater.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- I'll lean forwards like that then I can stay in tune.- If you say so.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Anyway. Moving on.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42One way to get a good job is to be a nobleman's nephew.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46But how can you improve your job prospects by getting nicked?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Is this Duke of Marlborough type stuff?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50No. Not particularly.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53We have to think about other words for...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh! So if you're trying to get a job, and it would be good if you
0:06:55 > 0:06:58got nicked, maybe the job is, like, testing how sharp paper is.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- OK.- And are people going to get paper cuts? That meaning of nicked.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- That would be a great job. I would like that.- Just work with paper
0:07:04 > 0:07:06all day, like - those ones are too sharp.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07That one's lovely.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10What about when you lick an envelope and you cut your lip.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Oh!- Yeah. That would be, like, for the boss person
0:07:12 > 0:07:14to do that one, with tongues involved.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Half your face falls off.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Yeah.- OK, weirdly...- That's how the joker got like that.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- Weirdly...- An envelope accident. - ..you are in the right area.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Excellent.- ..of cutting your face.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Shaving! Shavers!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- No.- Razors!- Barber!- No, it's nothing to do with shaving.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34It is until the Second World War
0:07:34 > 0:07:39the tradition of duelling with swords was absolutely woven
0:07:39 > 0:07:42into the fabric of life in the higher echelons of society.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We are talking about the German-speaking world,
0:07:44 > 0:07:45I should be specific.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And the professional classes
0:07:47 > 0:07:50they wore the resulting scars on their cheeks as badges of honour.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54And even today there's about 160 student duelling clubs.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We can have a look at them fighting here.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59So one of the things is you mustn't move.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You're not allowed to move your feet at all.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03You have to keep your left hand behind your back.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Are they beekeepers or...? - LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:06They're a bit like Freemasons.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08And so the old boys of these duelling clubs
0:08:08 > 0:08:13they absolutely dominate lots and lots of the jobs in big business.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15And you can see it's very ritualised,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and they have these extraordinary get-togethers.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20They sing patriotic songs and they have such prodigious
0:08:20 > 0:08:24beer-drinking contests that they have special puking basins.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Is this before the fight?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm very much hoping it's afterwards.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- I very much...- That would be great, drunk-duelling.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- I'd like to see that.- I think you did that on about series 16
0:08:33 > 0:08:35of Top Gear, didn't you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39They were terrible injuries.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42In 1566 the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe
0:08:42 > 0:08:44lost his nose to a fellow student.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Sorry, he was an astronomer?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50A famous Danish astronomer. So I'm trying on each show, Jason,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52to put in a random Scandinavian fact.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Good.- Which I call my Randy Scandi.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:58He lost his nose and he had to wear a brass
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- prosthetic for the rest of his life. - Brass?- Brass, yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You'd look a bit ridiculous going through airport metal detectors.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07That's right. They couldn't get a better nose replacement than brass,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09but there were aeroplanes.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Why did they fit a brass one?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- It's a talking point, isn't it? - They had chewing gum in those days.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- How did they fit it? - There was an adhesive,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21but he is said to have had a green line on his face
0:09:21 > 0:09:23where the adhesive... And it's possible he also had
0:09:23 > 0:09:25a special gold or silver one for parties.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He's an interesting guy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He was really concerned about the look of things,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33and it is possible that he died from extremely good manners.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36So 1601, he was at a banquet, and it wasn't the thing,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40when you are at a banquet, to excuse yourself to go and wee.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And he may or may not have died of a burst bladder.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Or maybe he was doing coke?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Again...
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Which would probably be really tricky with a brass nose.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Yeah. - I think I'd have denim.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Or gingham for parties.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Like kitchen curtains. There's a hole!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Or you'd have a miniature sword...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:13"Look, madam, look at my rapier!"
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Terrible if you're trying to get off with someone.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Oh, sorry! Fuck!"
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Unless they'd lost their nose as well, and they had a little shield.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's how you'd know were made for each other.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Literally, been made for each other. I like that very much.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Anybody think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Have you been to the Bigg Market in Newcastle on a Saturday night?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I hope that women did do duelling as well.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Yeah, they did. It was called petticoat duels
0:10:41 > 0:10:43and possibly the most famous...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45ALAN MIMICS GUNSHOT
0:10:45 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:53A kind of a snatch-and-grab!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Never thought of hiding a pistol there.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So the most famous one, 1892 in Austria,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04it was a topless duel...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, that's brilliant! Channel 5, where are you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:13..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg
0:11:13 > 0:11:16and what I love about it, it's said to have been caused by
0:11:16 > 0:11:18a disagreement over a flower arrangement.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Any excuse.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22That sounds like, "Yeah, well, I don't like the flowers,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"so get your top off!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'll duel you!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Apparently both the women were worried that if they were wounded
0:11:32 > 0:11:36and some fabric got into the wound it would get infected.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It's the very first emancipated duel, in that every single person
0:11:39 > 0:11:42who took part, all the seconds, the two duellers
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and indeed the medic, were all women.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It's hard to say who won.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The Princess, she was injured first, on the nose,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50so the Countess got first blood, as it were.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52But she was then injured on the arm which is a better wound.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So there's points for where you cut the person, then?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Who does better.- OK.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59As long as you come out with both your nipples
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm sure you'll be all right.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Oh!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Milk everywhere.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Boobs aren't full of milk!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16That's not why we have...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Do you suppose that there's milk all the time?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22We've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Boobs are sometimes full of milk.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Possibly not those four.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Stop it!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Stop it!"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"You are perforated."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I often wonder how we get to where we do.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54The rule for German businessman is, "You scratch my cheek
0:12:54 > 0:12:59"and I'll scratch yours." How can you tell a nob from a yob?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01So we were talking about PO pourri and POT pourri.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05How would you know your upper-class from your not so upper-class?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Would they say he's a YOBE?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10A NOBE and a YOBE.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It is absolutely to do with what you say.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15So in 1954 there was a linguistics professor at Aston University
0:13:15 > 0:13:19in Birmingham called Alan Ross. And he devised the terms
0:13:19 > 0:13:22U and non-U to distinguish speech patterns
0:13:22 > 0:13:25of the English upper classes and what they, unfortunately, called
0:13:25 > 0:13:26the lower social strata.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The following year, Nancy Mitford, the extraordinary...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31one of the Mitford sisters - there she is on the right there
0:13:31 > 0:13:33with her sister's Unity and Diana -
0:13:33 > 0:13:36she picked this up in an essay and she said that, nowadays,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39you couldn't tell the upper classes, cos they were no longer
0:13:39 > 0:13:41cleaner, richer or better-educated than anybody else.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It was principally by language,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and this caused tremendous anxiety in the middle-classes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48So the question is, would you use loo paper or toilet paper?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Bog roll!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Do you know, it really is an interesting question.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was away last week, I was Namibia, and I went up to the man,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01cos we were camping. I said, "Have you got any bog roll?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04And he went, "What?" Like, it obviously doesn't work in Namibia.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07And I was actually flummoxed, thinking, "Now, what do I say?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What did you do, did you mime?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10- Yes, I did.- Did you?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Rather than say loo roll.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Which is just... I know.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Here's an interesting fact about wiping your bum.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Yes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I worked this out on the last tour of mine, right.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28But half the population, right, when they're wiping their bottom,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32they stand up, a hand goes back and they wipe, right.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35And the other half, they stay sat down and reach in and have a wipe.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39And the weirdest thing is one half, until I just said it now,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42didn't even know the other half existed.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- How did you get inspired to start this survey?- Yeah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48How did you know that about the other people?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I think I just walked in on someone.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I was like, "What are you doing?"
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"This is how you wipe your bum." I went, "It isn't, watch this."
0:14:55 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:00So this is a survey based on two people?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- I started mentioning it on tour. - Oh, started mentioning it...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- And I noticed that... We'll do it now.- OK.- Right.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- If you stand up after you finished and wipe your bottom...- Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15..give me a cheer.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:17 > 0:15:19If you stay sat down and reach in and wipe your bottom,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- give us a cheer. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:21 > 0:15:2450-50. It's weird! It's weird!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26APPLAUSE
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I didn't think it is 50-50.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I thought the ones who sit down were a slightly camper noise.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38When you go to a festival or any outdoor event,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42what is it that causes somebody to sit down on the lavatory
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and then completely mess up all the rest of it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48"What shall I do with that? I'll throw it on the floor.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"Then I'll completely unravel all the rest of the bog and then,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54"somehow, get all that blue stuff all over the seat."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57You think, do you do that at home? I mean, how...?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00LSD! They're on LSD.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Ah!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm in a blue box!
0:16:17 > 0:16:18I'm more suspicious.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I think they might have known that you were behind them in the queue.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It's every one of them! Every single one you ever go.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28They can't all imagine I'm in there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Although somebody did once push one of those things over
0:16:30 > 0:16:33when I was in it. Yes, they did know it was me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Did they?- At least you can stand up.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38For women it's really difficult because you sort of have to hover,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40don't you? And I remember one time I went to the ladies,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and the lock didn't quite work. This is a very tricky
0:16:43 > 0:16:45moment for a woman, because you have to sort of hover...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And I...so obsessed with not making a mess on the seat, I thought,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Oh, sod it, I'll just sit down." And as I sat down
0:16:52 > 0:16:54the door burst open and a woman came straight in
0:16:54 > 0:16:57and she went, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And then she shut the door again.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59And then she burst it open again
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and she went, "You're Sandi Toksvig. Can I...?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Give us a minute!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Anyway, moving on.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13What's so darn shocking about this map?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Is "darn" important? - Darn is very important, yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- So it's something to do with knitting?- No, not that kind of darn.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22In the United States what might darn be for?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Darn!- Darn!- People who say "darn"?
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Yes, people who say "darn". It's a euphemism for "damn" from 1781.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And this is its Gi-z score.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34OK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's statistics, people.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:44There was an analysis done of nine billion words in...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Nine billion... - ..in America.- ..ejaculations!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Blue's bad, but orange is really bad!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Nine billion words in American tweets and then they geocoded them,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00so they analysed where they are, pinpointing it on a map.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And then they displayed them as heat maps.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So this is "darn".
0:18:04 > 0:18:08And if you look at the more the word is used, the darker the red colour.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And the less it's used, the darker the blue.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So it shows that darn is used very heavily
0:18:13 > 0:18:16in the northern-central states, well, in tweets, at the very least.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18So have a look at this one.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20What words do you think this map represents?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's another American swearword.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24"Golly".
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You're close, it's "gosh".
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Gosh.- Gosh.- Gosh darn!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31So heavily used around Texas -
0:18:31 > 0:18:33you can see where the red is and hardly at all up in New England.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They don't use "gosh" very much.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- I like these ones.- Is this words that people use when they jizz?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Is that what it is?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- LAUGHTER - "Gosh!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:47"Gosh darn it!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"I'm sorry, Miss Ellen."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53This show's changing, isn't it?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Yeah. And I'm just trying to wrestle it back.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57So have a look at this one.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Very heavily used in New England,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01hardly used in the south-east at all.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Goddamn! It's "asshole"!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04- Asshole.- Asshole. Of course.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- That and... - Do they not use it, then?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- They don't say "asshole" in Arkansas?- Georgia.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Or the Carolinas? - Not used in Florida.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16- It's not used in Montana, cos there's nobody there.- That's true.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's not often you see a map of the Gi-z score for "asshole", is it?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Not now Stephen's gone.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:28So here's the question.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Do you think that people who swear a lot are more articulate
0:19:32 > 0:19:34or less articulate?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35- More.- Why?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Cos they've got more words.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's exactly right. No, it's exactly right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Like "wank" and "bloody", and things like that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43People who don't swear haven't got those words.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45You were doing so well,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and now you're hardly going to appear in the programme at all.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- It's just going to be you going, "What?"- What?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It's since I started wearing cardigans my ears have gone wrong.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Is that what it is?- Yeah.- I think you're putting them on wrong.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:05No, there's a swearing fluency test,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and if you do the test and you ask people to write down how many
0:20:07 > 0:20:09swear words they can think of in two minutes,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12the people who will succeed best are the people who are the most
0:20:12 > 0:20:15articulate, although it depends what language you speak, so Japanese,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17very, very few swear words.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Dutch bargees, they can swear uninterrupted, most of them,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22for two minutes without repetition or hesitation.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Can they really?- Yeah. Dutch is really good.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- They've got, what's that word, "Swaffelen".- What does it mean?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Well, you certainly couldn't say it on Dutch television.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36It means to bang your penis against the Taj Mahal.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Who amongst us hasn't had that urge?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Jeremy, when I finish this show,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51if I get into trouble for googling that, I'm coming after you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Anyway. Moving on.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57What can't you have knobs on in Canada?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Furniture.- Sort of.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's against the law in some places.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Isn't everything against the law in Canada, really?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08They're very polite, Canadians, they're like America with manners.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11They are incredibly nice and Vancouver always wins the best place
0:21:11 > 0:21:14in the world to live, because nothing ever happens there.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- OK, so it is Vancouver that we need to be in.- Oh.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19And it was a law passed in 2014.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Doorknobs.- Doorknobs, yes.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You cannot have doorknobs at all in Vancouver.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Are they trapped inside? - They can't get out.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Has anyone heard from anyone from Vancouver in the last year?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"It's the best place to live in the world,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"we won't let you out again!"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38No new buildings, domestic or commercial, is allowed to have
0:21:38 > 0:21:41doorknobs on them. They can only have levers. Why might that be?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Is it when it gets caught in your pocket as you wander past?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Really annoying, isn't it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47No, it's to do with the elderly and the infirm.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- They can't turn the knobs. - Arthritic hands.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yes! The idea is to make all buildings work for everybody,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54so that you don't have doorknobs any more.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Anyway, a year before the ban was introduced
0:21:57 > 0:22:00there was a pro-knob lobby.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05They were up in arms about the incursions of the nanny state.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And the president of the Antique Doorknob Collectors Of America,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Allen Joslyn, said, "To say that when I build my private home
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"and nobody is disabled, that I have to put levers on
0:22:15 > 0:22:16"strikes me as overreach."
0:22:16 > 0:22:19And they do have one rather telling objection,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22because the advantage of door levers is not restricted to
0:22:22 > 0:22:25the old and the infirm. So, operating a doorknob requires
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- pronation and supination of the wrist.- Yeah, a dog can get in.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30That's the point.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33To be fair, that dog deserves to be able to open a door.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Yeah, that's true.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- If that's skills he's got. - But they prefer levers to knobs
0:22:36 > 0:22:38because if you haven't got an opposable thumb
0:22:38 > 0:22:40you can't possibly work it.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43However, there is a county in Colorado, Pitkin County,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46which has gone the opposite way to Vancouver and banned all levers.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48You can only have doorknobs. Why might that be?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Bears.- Absolutely right. It is bears.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"Look at them. We can't get in, what are we going to do?"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"I'll pick you up. You go through the window."
0:22:56 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Anyway. What did the royal families of Europe
0:23:03 > 0:23:06wear under their uniforms during the 19th century?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Pot pourri.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10They were naked.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13No! KLAXON
0:23:13 > 0:23:15They had rather fine underwear.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Armour.- What was the question? I've forgotten this one as well.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22What did royal families of Europe wear
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- under the uniform during the 19th century?- Silk undies.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29It's closer to the skin even than your underwear.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Lice.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Just loads of lice all around.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40That that's even a thought in your head is a worry.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42No. Decorative.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- Tattoos.- Tattoos is exactly right.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46There was a craze for tattoos.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50According to the Harmsworth monthly pictorial magazine
0:23:50 > 0:23:54the Grand Duke Alexei of Russia was most elaborately tattooed.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57And they were lots of them - Prince and Princess Valdemar of Denmark,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Queen Olga of Greece, King Oscar of Sweden,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02the Grand Duke Konstantin
0:24:02 > 0:24:05and, in fact, also in the UK, King Edward VII,
0:24:05 > 0:24:06and his son George V.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Edward VII had five crosses, which he had done on a visit to Jerusalem
0:24:10 > 0:24:13when he was the Prince of Wales, when he was 20.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15And then George, his son, had the same design done
0:24:15 > 0:24:17by the same artist 20 years later.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And my favourite story features a random Scandinavian,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22a Randy Scandi of sorts,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Napoleon's marshal, Jean-Baptiste Jules Bernadotte,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29he was a revolutionary firebrand, and he rose to become
0:24:29 > 0:24:32King of Sweden and Norway,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and had turned against Napoleon.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37He reigned for 26 years after Bonaparte's deposition and
0:24:37 > 0:24:42while he was king he never allowed doctors to see his naked torso.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44And there is a reason, that became apparent after death,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47when he was found to have a tattoo from his revolutionary days
0:24:47 > 0:24:49that said, "Death to kings"!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And his heirs are the royal family of Sweden to this day.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Wow.- Anyway, lots of kings have had tattoos,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00but we can't show you any for regal reasons!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- All right, that's enough! - Thank you.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Now we descend from the airy mansions of the nobility
0:25:08 > 0:25:10to the bleak basement that is general ignorance.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15What was this person's first name?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Victoria.- It is Queen Victoria...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20KLAXON
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- ..but it isn't her first name.- Oh!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26She was born on 24th May...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Brian.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31..and christened Brian.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Could it be something, Gertrude or something German?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's Alexandrina.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40She was named both after her godfather, Alexander I of Russia,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and her mother as well. When she was a child she was known as Drina,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and when she became Queen, so 1837,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48in the official documents she is originally Alexandrina Victoria,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and then she decided that she wanted her first name removed
0:25:51 > 0:25:52and never to be used again.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55But I think it was part of her wanting to be her own person,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58because her very first royal act, when she was 18, and she became
0:25:58 > 0:26:01queen, was to have her bed moved out of her mother's bedroom
0:26:01 > 0:26:03and to have her own bedroom.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05That is quite old to still be sleeping in your mum's room.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Especially if you're queen. - Fair play, I'm in charge now.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12The Victorians were nearly the Drinians.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Under the Emperor Diocletian, the Roman Empire had four capitals,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18please, name two of them.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Constantinople?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22KLAXON
0:26:22 > 0:26:24No. Any more for any more?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Not Constantinople.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27- Rome.- What had four capitals?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30KLAXON The Roman Empire.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- London?- Not Rome, not London.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Keep going, I don't think you're going to guess.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Venice, Tripoli, Florence.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Something Germania.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41When he came to power, so 2804 AD,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43the Roman Empire, it was threatened to collapse
0:26:43 > 0:26:47and he did this brilliant thing. He decided to do a tetrarchy,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and that is to be ruled by four emperors.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And so he had four capitals.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55They were Nicomedia, which is in modern-day Turkey,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Sirmium, in modern-day Serbia.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Mediolanum, which is modern-day Milan.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03And Augusta Treverorum, modern-day Trier.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06And actually it worked so well
0:27:06 > 0:27:09that Diocletian was the very first emperor to be able to retire.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12He retired to the Dalmatian coast,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14so that's modern-day Croatia, and he grew vegetables.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17So that's the real moral about outsourcing.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18- Yes.- Don't get too stressed,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- give other people your job and grow some vegetables.- Franchise!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- JASON:- Just delegate, man. - Yeah.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Don't worry too much about it. All of which brings us to the scores.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well, a fantastic and outright winner,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32in first place with eight points,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34it's Jason!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:39You'd better check them!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41In second place with minus five,
0:27:41 > 0:27:42it's Jeremy.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Thank you so much.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49In third place, minus 21, Sarah.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53CHEERING
0:27:53 > 0:27:56And with a commendable minus 64...
0:27:56 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Alan!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:11It only remains for me to thank Sarah, Jason, Jeremy and Alan,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and finally, in case you're feeling envious of the nobility,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16spare a thought for Lord Ivy.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19The head of the Guinness family in the 1980s
0:28:19 > 0:28:22was injured in a traffic accident in Dublin and taken to hospital.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Under the Irish system, people earning more than £11,000 a year
0:28:26 > 0:28:29had to pay for their treatment, so when he arrived they asked him,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31"Do you earn £11,000?"
0:28:31 > 0:28:34To which he replied, "Some days I do, some days I don't."
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Toodle-pip!