0:00:25 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33How very kind.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38How lovely. Thank you very much...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, where tonight,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43we are turning positively negative,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46in the "Not Nearly, Nearly Not, Neither and No" show.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49So let's meet our naysayers -
0:00:49 > 0:00:52the never-knowingly under-funny Gyles Brandreth.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thanks very much!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09The not-half-bad Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And no, no, no, no, no...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20yes.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21It's Alan Davies!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And why not hear their buzzers? Jimmy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Na na na na, na na na na na
0:01:34 > 0:01:37# Na na na na na, na na na na na. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Victoria goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# No no # No no, no no
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# No no, no no
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# No no There's no limit. #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Gyles goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50# Na na na na na na na na na
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# Na na na na na na na na na. #
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You look like the games teacher at a school's disco.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And Alan goes...
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# No, no, a thousand times no
0:02:04 > 0:02:06# I'd rather die than say yes. #
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I like yours best, actually. I thought that was very nice.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13And so to the first question,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and it's important you don't listen un-carefully to this one.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Alan, don't you not want some points or not?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27ALAN GROANS Gyles is writing it down.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Well, that's very difficult to say yes or no to!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- What do you reckon? - There are three negatives.- Ah, yes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37"Don't you not want some points or not?" "Do you not...?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:43- Do you not want some points...- Or not?- Do you not...?- Do you not...?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- We also don't know whether he does or not.- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"Don't you not want some points, or not?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Do NOT not want points... - So, here's the thing...
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- It's true to say that I do not NOT want points.- Yes.- Or not?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59So "or not" so would mean that you...do.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- "Do you want points or not?" - Yes, but...
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- The answer is...- Is...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Well, it's two questions!- No, it's just one question with one answer.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12But I'll just tell you now -
0:03:12 > 0:03:15one answer has a klaxon, and one doesn't. There.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- Do you think I'm giving too much away here?- Can we help him?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23The show's nearly over. I'm filibustering.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Gyles, Gyles.- Sometimes with these really taxing questions,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- the thing to do is to translate them into another language.- OK.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Because that makes it simpler. - Oh, right.- Because, as we know,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- you asked the question in English.- I did, yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37English - there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary,
0:03:37 > 0:03:38it is the largest language in the world.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Well, there's more than a million now, in fact.- Ah, well, indeed,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44including all the words you've introduced since the series began.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Perfectly true. - In my edition - 500,000 words.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The German language only has about 150,000 words,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- and the French have fewer than 100,000 words.- Yes.- OK?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Including "le weekend".- Yes. ALAN BUZZES
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Oh, yes? Have you thought about it?- Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yes is the right answer!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03APPLAUSE
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Yes?- Yes isn't the right answer.- Oh!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- It's not a yes/no question. - No, that's what I thought.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16But, fundamentally, yes is better than no.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- In your life, maybe. - Yes, I was enjoying Gyles'...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21But, curiously, the answer would have been different...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I didn't mean I would come back to it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- I wasn't enjoying it that much.- But interestingly, the answer in French
0:04:29 > 0:04:31would have been yes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Oh, no - no!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35In French you could have said, "I don't know,"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38which is "je ne sais pas", which is a double negative.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Ah. Or... But if you translate it... What did you originally say?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Is it too early to lose the will to live?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm extremely concerned, Sandi, that you,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52a role model for women everywhere,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54should, in fleshing out the double negative,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57come out with the statement, "broadly, yes is better than no"!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59That's not what I'll be telling my daughter!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Yes.- There's lots of I Can't Get No Satisfaction.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Yes, there is. And if it's a positive double negative,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- like Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual, that's fine. OK?- Why is that fine?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and then, in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- and it's to do with mathematics.- Oh.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So they began to codify the language as being illogical
0:05:29 > 0:05:32if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking. So, in mathematics,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- minus a minus is a plus. - Oh, do do this in Danish!- OK.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Yes. SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH
0:05:40 > 0:05:45No, I won't do it now. APPLAUSE
0:05:45 > 0:05:47If you did that, I'd think I'd had a stroke.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I always think that there's a body been found,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50as soon as I hear Danish.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55You can almost feel the wind on the bridge.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion
0:05:57 > 0:05:59if you can feel wind on your bridge.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'm trying to think what position you'd have to be in...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Just pass it along when you've done.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17There's really nothing wrong with double negatives.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22Only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't...not.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world - not.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29It's sport. GYLES GROANS
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Yay, sport!- Yay, sport(!) OK.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Why is the person on the right such a loser?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Is he standing in for someone?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Well...- Oh, is it a centaur?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Is he half-man, half-horse?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Actually, the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48and those are fake legs.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51No. So, he's a sort of nearly man.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- An understudy?- I don't think we can call them that any more.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:07:03 > 0:07:05The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me
0:07:05 > 0:07:07to be politically correct...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- I'm so sorry.- You're so fantastic.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15and this is my "randy Scandi", this guy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17He took part in the 1948 Olympics.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19His name is Sergeant Gehnall Persson.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21He was in the Swedish Equestrian team,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24and they easily won gold in the dressage
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and then they were stripped of the medal,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28because the French, who came second,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30noticed that he was wearing a Sergeant's cap.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open
0:07:33 > 0:07:35only to officers and gentlemen.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It was an amateur sport,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and other ranks were considered to be professionals.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42So what had happened - he'd been given a bogus promotion
0:07:42 > 0:07:44to being a lieutenant, just for the games,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46but he forgot to change his hat.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Oh!- But it's a happy ending -
0:07:49 > 0:07:52the gentleman rule was changed, and he went on to win gold
0:07:52 > 0:07:54at the next two Olympics, just as a Sergeant,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56and he didn't have to be a lieutenant.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00So from a nearly man, to the world's biggest nobody.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04What did these guys do when they realised their cox was too big?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I presume they threw him overboard.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Kind of. It's a really sweet story, this.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14So we all know what the cox does.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- The cox tells them... - He steers the boat.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Steers the boat, yes. - Stops them from rowing into things.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20From "coxswain", literally a boat servant.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Also shouts "row", which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27No-one in the 100 metres has got a guy on the side going,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"Left, right, left, right."
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- So this boy is the cox? - He BECAME the cox.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36This is the Dutch cox pair from the 1900 Olympics.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38So what happened was they got through to the final
0:08:38 > 0:08:41and they had an overweight cox called Hermanus Brockmann,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43and they thought it was going to cost them the gold.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as coxes,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49and so they decided to get one of their own,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and they plucked one from a crowd - this boy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53He'd already been discarded, actually, by the French
0:08:53 > 0:08:55as being too heavy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57He's between seven and ten years old,
0:08:57 > 0:08:58nobody knows his name,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01but with him coxing they won the gold,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and then he vanished back into the crowd.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He is an Olympic gold medallist,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08and nobody knows his name.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Isn't it the sweetest story? - Incredible.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Also, the idea that he was telling his friends,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing."
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Where did you sit?" "I had a great seat!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19"Yeah, I was in the boat."
0:09:19 > 0:09:22He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The medal was given to the overweight cox
0:09:25 > 0:09:28who didn't actually row, Hermanus Brockmann, he got the gold medal.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I think that's the main disappointment
0:09:33 > 0:09:35of all gold medal-winners in the Olympics.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"Oh, seriously?"
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Yes, indeed. They sacked their cox and got a lad in to do his job.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45And now for something that's not quite the full shilling.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So, I have got three bottles of wine.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52I've got a very nicely aged Chateau Brandreth.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Ooh! How lovely. - I'll pass that to you down there.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I've got a - this is rather lovely - Jimicar Valley White.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Fruity and fresh. I'll just pass that.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Very excellent with cheese.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And this one...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05What are you saying about Jimmy's material?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Cheesy and fruity? Oh, fair enough.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10This one goes down very well, I hear.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It's a 1966 Alan Davies Piteous Whine.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18There we go. So, Victoria, you know nothing about these wines.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Which one would you purchase, based on the price?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25On those prices, I mean, all of them. I'd still get change...
0:10:26 > 0:10:30People who have wine stoppers - what's the point of that?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34What are they for? Indeed, what are they for?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36APPLAUSE
0:10:38 > 0:10:41In restaurants, people go for the one above the cheapest.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Is there not a psychological advantage there?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45It is, this is the thing. It's called psychological pricing,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48and most... It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing,
0:10:48 > 0:10:49pretty pricing.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Most people would go for the 5.99,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and there seems to be a subconscious thing
0:10:54 > 0:10:56that we prefer precise prices to round ones.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57That seems to be a thing.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02so the 5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04it's not quite in the £6 bracket,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05and therefore, we seem more likely...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Are we still falling for this, people?- I know!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Isn't there a theory on this,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11that it started because they wanted to make sure
0:11:11 > 0:11:13that they weren't being ripped off by their vendors?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15If you've got to give them a penny change,
0:11:15 > 0:11:16it has to go through the till.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yes, there was a theory about that,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20but there are experiments that suggest
0:11:20 > 0:11:23that you do better to price products at £5.99 than at £5.50,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25because the 99 feels like a reduction.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29It is odd that £6.01 sounds a lot more than £5.99.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- It sounds about 40 quid more. - Yes, it does, doesn't it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Also, what a bore to have 99p in change.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That's the reason for not doing it.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Well, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in this country
0:11:39 > 0:11:43has proposed creation of a 99p coin to save change.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45APPLAUSE
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's a very good idea.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I haven't opened it to check. Why don't you unscrew it and see?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- This is wine.- This is wine.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It's Beaujolais. Have we got any glasses?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Do you think you've overpaid for that, or was that all right?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- No, I think that's all right. - That's not too shabby?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I think I've done well with the cheapest one.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Do you know what? Not terrible!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22No, and weirdly, the next subject that I've got coming up
0:12:22 > 0:12:24is the bacteria in people's mouths.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31In The Meaning Of Liff, which is a fabulous book,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33a Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tyne and Wear,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36is defined as "the footling amount of money
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"by which a price is less than a sensible number",
0:12:38 > 0:12:40which I like.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Shall we put the bottles away? Do you want to give me...?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Give me yours! - I AM putting it away!
0:12:45 > 0:12:49No, give me yours, sweetheart. APPLAUSE
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Keep it safe.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So, I got 99 problems, but the pence ain't one.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Now. Just... That's for the younger people.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Here is a not-unknotty poser for you to consider.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10There's a Pen Island that has a website.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh! Yes!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Is that right? - Which doesn't look great.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- No.- What?- Pen Island.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Oh, Pen Island! OK.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22There's actually a company that I've worked for
0:13:22 > 0:13:24called Bound And Gagged Comedy,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and if you type in "bound and gagged" - ooh!
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I found that once. I Googled "big carthorse" - and, my word!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33That could take your eye out.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Sorry - for what legitimate reason were you Googling "big carthorse"?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I get lonely.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48There's a man called Christopher Null, who is from Texas,
0:13:48 > 0:13:52and he finds that computers regularly reject anything,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54because "null", in lots of programming languages,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57basically means "this space is intentionally left blank".
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, I see. As in null and void?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00- Yes.- So you type in "null" and nothing appears?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Yes...- He's the invisible man! That's what he looks like.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yes, that is indeed what he looks like.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07But he's not on his own, there's been hundreds of people in China
0:14:07 > 0:14:09who've had to change their names
0:14:09 > 0:14:10because the computer codes don't exist
0:14:10 > 0:14:12and they don't have the Chinese sign for it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17otherwise they can't apply for a driving licence, or whatever.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- And what are these people called?- I don't know the names of all of them,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22because there are several hundred of them.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact.- Yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and, in 1979,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31she dropped her surname because she got very irritated.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it
0:14:34 > 0:14:36unless her husband signed the form.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Ah!- So she became enraged, and she doesn't have a surname.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40But the result is, if you don't...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Wet clothes.- Yes.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45If you don't have a surname on a computer,
0:14:45 > 0:14:46you can't easily claim benefits
0:14:46 > 0:14:48or you can't book online or you can't...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50There's all sorts of things you can't do.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53So what does...? Poor Bono and Cher, it must be all kinds of...
0:14:53 > 0:14:54- Must be hell.- The poor things.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Just being them, actually. - They've got no white goods at all.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Poor Sting can't get a driver's license.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Down there at the water's edge, bashing their clothes on rocks.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"Why are you doing that?" "I can't get a washing machine!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- This makes me feel... - The Edge is no help.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:22And now, for a total non-event -
0:15:22 > 0:15:25who's the best person to invite to a "Don't Come" party?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Oh!- Yes.- A "Don't Come" party?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's an actual thing that is used now by charities...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Oh, I think I know what it is then.- Yes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38It is where, in order to raise money, they say,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42"If you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion."
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You don't therefore need to spend money on having your hair done,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- buying a new frock, hiring a car... - Yeah.- ..taking part in the raffle,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54None of these things need to happen.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's a cheap, cheap evening.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Behind the fountain?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And, what, does this come out of people going,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"I would pay not to go to that event"?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Yes.- Yes. So people that want to stay at home.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I would pay not to hear Gyles' after-dinner speech.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm not saying that. I...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:14And you can make the thing sound
0:16:14 > 0:16:16as extravagant and glamorous as you like,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and then don't have it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You say it's at a fantastically expensive hotel
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and there's going to be champagne, but don't come,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and then you get more money because people don't want to go anywhere.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27So, a "Never Event" is different.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30It's the official name used by hospital administrators
0:16:30 > 0:16:33to describe errors that are wholly avoidable,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35so should never occur.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Like, I should think using a meat cleaver on a patient would be...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Before we rush to judgment, we don't know what's the matter with him.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- No.- That might be necessary.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48But, curiously, these Never Events do occur.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52I was hosting the British funeral directors' awards recently...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57We've got to get you a new agent, dude.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It was quite quiet, initially.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- I hope you opened with that.- It took place at the end of the day -
0:17:06 > 0:17:09they'd had their trade show in the same venue,
0:17:09 > 0:17:14and so around the edges of the room there were coffins, caskets,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Were you picking a new home?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21AUDIENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- No! It's all right.- Can I say...? - He's old and he'll be dead soon.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I'm sorry if I was...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Can I tell you something, Jimmy?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36because this morning, this very morning,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I received a letter through the post
0:17:38 > 0:17:41inviting me to be the new face of the Stannah stairlift.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Take it! - APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:52The worst thing about this is...
0:17:54 > 0:17:58..my wife said, "I think we should consider this."
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Then - this is a true story -
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I then phoned them up and I said,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"Have you thought of Nigel Havers?"
0:18:09 > 0:18:11It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'm afraid this is not the first invitation of its kind I've received,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20because I also - this is maybe how they got hold of my name -
0:18:20 > 0:18:26I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor
0:18:26 > 0:18:28reaching for the alarm.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up"?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35That one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38But I have had this brilliant idea,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40which I've now begun to discuss with them,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42because my problem is that I go upstairs
0:18:42 > 0:18:44and can't remember why I've gone upstairs.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Yes.- So my idea is this -
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I attach to the arm of the stairlift
0:18:49 > 0:18:52an old-fashioned tape recorder,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I sit in the chair, I press the two buttons,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I tell myself why I am going upstairs.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- And I go up. - APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's like the worst Beckett play ever.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16And the tape, years later it will be handed down the generations
0:19:16 > 0:19:21with all the reasons why Uncle Gyles went up the stairs for ten years.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23"For a shit."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Never Events you may not wish to attend
0:19:33 > 0:19:35include Gyles Brandreth addressing funeral directors.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Now, have a careful look at this and tell me what's not all right.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43First of all, do we know which coronation it is?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- It's Queen Victoria.- So, does anybody know what went wrong?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49They crowned the wrong woman.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52A lady called Karen was crowned. She ruled for 80 years.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54In a way, it's almost what happened. It's five hours, it was.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56First of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury
0:19:56 > 0:19:58forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger -
0:19:58 > 0:20:00caused her severe pain,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and they couldn't get it off afterwards.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03And three years later,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05he did exactly the same thing at her wedding.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08He was just not ring-savvy, the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Then the Bishop of Bath and Wells
0:20:09 > 0:20:12accidentally turned over two pages in the service book,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and he cut out the whole section where they made her Queen.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19What do you mean, "the whole section"?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23But the coronation was invalid,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and in fact she had left the Abbey before they realised
0:20:26 > 0:20:28and she had to come back and do it again.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I love that, they had to do a retake.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And then, as the Lords were being presented to her,
0:20:33 > 0:20:37the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Rolle, became globally famous
0:20:37 > 0:20:39for tripping over on the steps leading to the throne
0:20:39 > 0:20:41and rolling all the way down.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Apparently she didn't endear herself to the public until that moment,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48and when Lord Rolle fell down the stairs
0:20:48 > 0:20:49she got up and tried to help him,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and after that they thought, "Oh, she's..."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Because she was very young, wasn't she?- Yeah, she was a teenager.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Now, we turn our attention-deficit
0:20:58 > 0:21:00to that slush fund of negative knowledge -
0:21:00 > 0:21:02the General Ignorance round.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Name some common Egyptian characters.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- Yes?- The Eye of Horus.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16KLAXON
0:21:18 > 0:21:19What are the chances?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I want to know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Because it's a hieroglyph,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- GYLES:- Ah. - So they were not common, in fact.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Well, I think you'll find
0:21:31 > 0:21:33that there were many special occasions in Egyptian life.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yes, obviously. The thing is,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39So it's a simplified version.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40It's a much more cursive version - there it is.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That's a rarefied klaxon.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Can only be described as a trap.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You have them on Only Connect, do you not, hieroglyphs?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Yeah, we do.- Yes.- In our first series, it was Greek letters,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and people wrote in and said,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"We like the show, but we find that pretentious".
0:22:01 > 0:22:03So we began series three with an apology, saying,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"We'd like to say sorry to anyone that's been enjoying the show,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"but found the Greek letters a bit pretentious. We've listened,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"it's your BBC, you've reached out, we've heard you.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph."
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Well, they're for special occasions, you see.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19The thing is, they can have multiple meanings.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22So, sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24so it could be a saw of some kind, it could be a tool,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26it could be something else.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29So the nose hieroglyph, for example, means smell or joy or contempt.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32But no vowels. Again, they're like Only Connect, you have a round,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- don't you, with no vowels?- We do.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36There are no vowels in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and we have no idea how it would have sounded.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny
0:22:40 > 0:22:42from the Empire State Building?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46No, this is about killing people, isn't it?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- OK.- Nothing. It wouldn't kill someone.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It would not kill somebody.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- It's too light. - It's too light, absolutely.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- It's like you could drop a duckling, and it would float.- A duckling?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It's incredibly light, and also...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Wouldn't a duckling fly? Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07It can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- and you know how I know this?- Yes?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- and some ducks came and moved in...- Oh!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19..had ducklings, and they all threw themselves off the roof.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20- Oh!- Three stories up.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Quickly say there's a happy ending! - And I ran down the stairs,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and they were all wandering about in the car park.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Did they get hit by a car?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32No, somebody rounded them up and put them in the box
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and took them back up the stairs, whereupon they did it again.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Oh, no!- What was it about living with you
0:23:37 > 0:23:39that made them want to jump off a roof?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40That's just what they do.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Because they're so light,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44they won't plummet to the ground and die - they'll float.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It's the same with the coins, they're fantastically lightweight,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and they also have too much air-resistance.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52But if you had a whole bag of them...?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57If you really, really wanted to kill somebody...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59that is perfectly possible.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02A pen would make it. That would drill a hole in your head.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- That is not a good thing.- Bad news.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05But, in fact, it's an academic question,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10What happens is the design and height of the building
0:24:10 > 0:24:12creates so much strong updraught,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21where the maintenance crew say, "Thank you",
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and collect them all up.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Indeed. This is not connected with the pennies,
0:24:26 > 0:24:27but can I just tell you
0:24:27 > 0:24:29about one of my favourite creatures in the world?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31It's called the hero ant.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Not a looker. Not a looker, I'll be honest.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and then when it hits the bottom it lands softly,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Don't you think that's fantastic? - That's rather fantastic.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- No.- That's worth mentioning. But, yeah, for safety.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01A coin dropped from the Empire State Building
0:25:01 > 0:25:04would never reach the ground, and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Finally, a quick health check.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Put my hand up where?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15KLAXON
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Really?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I don't mind getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful...
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Yes! So...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I've always got... I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35The thing is, everybody's got them. We are born with haemorrhoids.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37There isn't anybody who doesn't have them.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39They're cushions, they're sort of made of veins
0:25:39 > 0:25:42which are a normal part of the anatomy, like your eyelids or lips,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44possibly not quite so pretty.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed
0:25:55 > 0:25:57that they cause problems, but we have them all the time -
0:25:57 > 0:25:59we all have haemorrhoids all the time.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Well, you know what? I think... Shall we go Embarrassing Bodies?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Will I whip one out? So we've all got them at all times?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08We do, but there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface
0:26:08 > 0:26:10or, conversely, on a radiator, it causes piles,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12and that's simply not true.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- And spicy food - not true. - What causes...?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Well, there is another old wives' tale
0:26:16 > 0:26:18about reading on the loo, can cause them.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- That may be true. - What do you have to read?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Is it like a spell? An incantation?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27No, it's sitting or standing for too long - strains your rectum.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Yes, you mustn't push.- No. No.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33And also, never resist the call to stool.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Is that another way of warming up for an actor?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on -
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"Oh, you must never resist the call to stool."
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I like that. That's very good.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48They think Napoleon may have lost the battle of Waterloo
0:26:48 > 0:26:50because he had a terrible attack of piles
0:26:50 > 0:26:51that made him not sleep the night before.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Well, they captured the moment, didn't they?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56That is a man with piles.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Most definitely!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01"Your horse is ready." SHUDDERS
0:27:01 > 0:27:02And David Livingstone,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst haemorrhoids.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- Oh, no!- If a haemorrhoid bursts in the forest...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15It's lovely that we're at the haemorrhoids section of the show, anyway.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Yes, absolutely. So, let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24And in first place, with -1 point, it's Gyles.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:33In second place, with -5, Alan.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:41And in third place, with -8, Victoria.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48-21...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Jimmy!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Gyles and Alan,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04and I'll leave you with this - in the 1950s,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser
0:28:07 > 0:28:11went to a lecture by the English linguistics expert JL Austin,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15who claimed that, while some languages use double negatives
0:28:15 > 0:28:16to make a positive,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19no language uses a double positive to make a negative.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21And from the back of the room
0:28:21 > 0:28:25came Morgenbesser's distinctive New York drawl, "Yeah, yeah".
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Goodnight.