0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Ja. Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Good evening and welcome to QI, where, tonight,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39all I have to say is night-night.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40END CREDIT MUSIC
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Sorry... Too quick. That's the title of the show. Can't get the staff.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Right. Tonight is indeed the night.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54And, joining me to hold hands in the dark are, a night to remember,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55it's Holly Walsh.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02A night on the town, David Mitchell.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09A night on the tiles, Noel Fielding.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14And...
0:01:14 > 0:01:18night after night after night, Alan Davies.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And their midnight buzzers buzz like this. Holly.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30OWL HOOTS
0:01:32 > 0:01:33David goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35WOLF HOWLS
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Noel goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43HEAVY DOOR CREAKS OPEN
0:01:48 > 0:01:50And Alan goes...
0:01:51 > 0:01:56MAN SNORES HEAVILY
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Have you finished?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02What is the most mysterious thing you do in bed?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- You regrow, you regenerate your body parts, don't you?- OK, but...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's what I call it anyway! "What are you doing in there?!"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"I'm regenerating!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Do you mean bits that are broken,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24you mend them? Is that what you mean?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Don't you grow a new liver every seven years, or something?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31There's no bit of you that is actually the age that you are.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34No, I think it's every ten years, you're a totally new person.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35You're totally new bones, everything.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37No, you don't grow gums back.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Gums recede and they don't come back.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42You can't go, "Oh, I think I'm going to grow my gums long this year."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It's probably quite good that the gums don't keep growing and
0:02:47 > 0:02:51growing and growing, though. Imagine having to get them trimmed.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55That's going to be an extremely bloody...
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- NOEL:- "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a gum-dresser."
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Have to get head to toe in plastic, it's like CSI.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09When someone comes in for a long overdue gum trimming.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- AUDIENCE:- Ugh...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You've got to show them the back of their gums.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- So, what's the thing that we do in bed, all of us?- Dreaming?- Breathing?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- It's sleeping.- Sleeping. - We have no idea,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- it's the most mysterious thing that we do in bed...- So obvious.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24We just don't know why we do it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Why would you end the day unconscious and basically paralysed
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and leave yourself available to attack by predators unless
0:03:31 > 0:03:35there is some fantastic evolutionary benefit that outweighs the risk?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36The fact is, we just don't know.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39People have thought it was to do with energy conservation.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Which is ridiculous because you actually don't save much energy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44- Really?- No, not when you sleep, no.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47How many days can you go without sleep for before you die?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49If you stay awake for 17 hours, it's the same as having
0:03:49 > 0:03:53two glasses of wine, in terms of how it would affect your performance.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Red wine or white wine?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- If it's white wine, then I'll just start crying.- Oh, would you?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Are you a bad drunk?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Yeah, I've never once drunk more than two glasses of white wine
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and not used the phrase, "Why don't you just dump me, then?"
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Even to people who you're not in a relationship with.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, you save about 110 calories each night,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17so a two-finger Kit Kat is 107, it's not a lot, is it?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- That's the only energy saving? - That's the only energy saving.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So, when you wake up in the morning, you can have a two-fingered Kit Kat.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- Help yourself!- Gratis. - Totally wipes it all out, frankly.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- It's a classy breakfast. - Yes!- "Morning, everyone."
0:04:32 > 0:04:33So, the theory that I like best,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36there have been some scientists at the University of Rochester
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Medical Centre in New York,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and they think it's when our brains are cleaned.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43There's a professor, Maiken Nedergaard, and she says,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"You can think of it as having a house party.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"You can either entertain the guests or clean up the house,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"but you can't really do both at the same time."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52That's the theory. But how much you sleep depends on
0:04:52 > 0:04:54your own circadian rhythms. I don't sleep very much.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Anybody here a good sleeper? - I've got a five-month-old baby,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59so I only sleep in hour-and-a-half chunks at the moment.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So, have you just come for a break just tonight?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Genuinely, I went to the dentist the other day,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07and I had to have a filling.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And I lay back, and I was like, "I think this is the closest
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"to having a relaxing time that I've had for five months."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It was so nice.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- NOEL:- Did he trim your gums?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Are you a good sleeper, Noel? Do you sleep well?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yeah, I can sleep a lot, yeah.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Apparently, what you should do to find out how much you need to sleep
0:05:23 > 0:05:26is you should spend a week not having an alarm clock at all
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and you should let your body just wake up when it needs to,
0:05:28 > 0:05:29and log how many hours.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And if you need six hours, and you need to get up at 7am,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33then you know what time to go to bed.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Yes, but, Sandi, you need a wee at five...
0:05:36 > 0:05:37no matter what.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Yes, it's very annoying.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46And it's not like you particularly have that much wee to do.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You get there and you think, "Why have you woken me up for that?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"I would rather have just left that in the bed.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53"I could have dealt with that..."
0:05:55 > 0:05:56"..in the morning!"
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Also, sometimes, the middle of the night wee, you can start thinking
0:06:00 > 0:06:05about something stressful, or get frightened by noises in the house.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It's best just stay asleep til it gets light.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I think, really, the solution is some sort of an apparatus
0:06:12 > 0:06:13where you can sleep on the loo.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17My father was in hospital,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and he had a catheter fitted for a couple of weeks.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23And he said he'd never slept so well for about 50 years.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26The best thing that had ever happened to him.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- HOLLY:- It's like when you go and stay in a hotel.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30They say never use the kettle because people pee in it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- No!- The kettle?- No! You see, I don't want to know those things!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39How far away is the bathroom?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I always think that must be a man who pees in that kettle.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- NOEL:- I can say, on behalf of men all over the country,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48we do not piss in kettles.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:51APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You've got to take the lid off, you've got to unplug it...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Those lids are spiteful. - It's way too much effort.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I'm not making it up, it's a well-known fact.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I don't come on QI and talk bullshit.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I'm straight up with the facts.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- NOEL:- So, when you go to a hotel room and there's water already
0:07:11 > 0:07:14in the kettle, that's a bit suspect. I always get rid of that.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16To be honest, boiled piss is probably...
0:07:16 > 0:07:20it might change the flavour of the tea but it's not...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22it's not a bacterial threat, is it?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Another thing. Never eat the chocolate on the pillow.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Oh, where's that been?!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Anyway, moving on.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Describe the night of the horrified sheep.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39So, it was an actual thing that happened, November 3rd, 1888.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And something happened that spooked all sheep over
0:07:42 > 0:07:46a 200 square mile area in Oxfordshire.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Tens of thousands of sheep panicked, they jumped fences,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- they ran for their lives. - Earthquake.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Well, that was one of the theories of the time, that there might
0:07:53 > 0:07:56have been a small earthquake or something dropped from the sky.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00But probably what happened is just one sheep panicked.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It's possible it was very dark, the sheep just went,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Where's my friends? "Where's my friends?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Had he just gone "Baaa!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And then all the other sheep must've been going,
0:08:11 > 0:08:12"Sh! Sh!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"He'll think he's on his own!"
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Then when he panicked, they all went, "Oh, my God!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"What have we done?!"
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Do you think if a sheep can't get to sleep,
0:08:24 > 0:08:25do you think he counts his friends?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I wonder what the reason was that we decided to count them
0:08:29 > 0:08:31in the first place at night.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Well, it must be really boring to count sheep.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Yeah, it sends you off, yes. Well, I think you've nailed it.- Thanks.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I tell you what I'd love to count. Kittens.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Ah.- Imagine if 70,000 kittens ran past you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49That would just be the most adorable thing that ever happened to anyone.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52See, I really struggle with this. I'm more of a dog person.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Puppies!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Probably why the kittens are all running away from a dog, I think.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I always think that cats, you know when people say, like,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"An old woman died in her flat
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"and she was eaten by her cats," I mean...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05What kind of world do you live in?!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- People being in kettles and old women...?- Three days.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Three days and your cat will eat your face.- Yeah.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Because it will have loosened up enough for it to get purchase.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- AUDIENCE:- Ugh!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- NOEL:- What sort of show is this?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23They never say that, do they, about, you know,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26an aged meat on a menu, you know with a 20-day-aged beef,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28they never use the phrase,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"It will have loosened up enough to get purchase."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Have a look at this. Here is a night to remember.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37This is 9th November, 1874.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The New York Herald front page article reported
0:09:40 > 0:09:43AMERICAN ACCENT: "The wild animals broken loose from Central Park!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"Terrible scenes of mutilation!"
0:09:45 > 0:09:49The article described 49 deaths and 200 injuries,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51there's some excellent details in it.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54It included a sighting of a lion in a church, and, my favourite,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56a rhinoceros in a sewer.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00How did they get out of the sewer?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- Never mind that. How did it get in there?- A manhole cover.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It must have fallen in.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08But it wasn't until the very last paragraph
0:10:08 > 0:10:10that the article concluded, of course,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"The entire story given above is a pure fabrication.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Not one word of it is true,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"not a single act or incident described has taken place.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"It's a huge hoax, a wild romance."
0:10:19 > 0:10:22And then it went on to ask, which was the reason for the headline,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"What would we do in New York if this happened?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:29It's one of the most notorious and, indeed, accidental media hoaxes.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32But, in fact, it caused complete panic on the streets.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- Is that a huge risk? I mean, in zoos?- Well, yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You'd think maybe it's something we don't need to worry about
0:10:39 > 0:10:43if you've got enough cages. But, in February 2016,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo did their annual test to see
0:10:45 > 0:10:47what they would do if an animal escapes,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51and what they did was they got the 27-year-old gorilla keeper,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54called Yumi Tamura, to dress up as a zebra.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:58There she is.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05And there they all are dealing with it. So, yes...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Very fine death. Now, here's my favourite moment.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Checking to see if animal is dead. - Wow.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22The famous poke them with a stick.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27No-one knows why tens of thousands of sheep went crazy in Oxfordshire
0:11:27 > 0:11:30on the night of November 3rd, 1888.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33They may have been surprised by the fact that it got dark,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35or by the news that, earlier in the day,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Preston North End beat Notts County 7-0.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I'm really trying with the football thing, just so you know.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Anyway, what's your worst nightmare?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't have nightmares.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- I just occasionally have dreams that are quite stressful.- Oh, like what?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Increasingly, they involve having to do my A levels again.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59For some reason, I've been busted back to the sixth form.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And I have to do my A levels again. And I keep saying,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"This is ridiculous! I've been to university.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"Why am I having to do my A levels again?"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But I do have to do them again.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- And I wake up all stressed by it... - NOEL:- And have to go to the toilet.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It's quite nice because I reflect, as I go to the toilet,
0:12:18 > 0:12:22that I don't have to do my A levels again. It's good news.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Are you a nightmare person, Alan?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26No, but I wish I had a dream recorder.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28That's boring, though, when people tell you their dreams.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- They're so boring. - Not other people's dreams.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I don't want other people's dreams! My own dreams are amazing.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37People always go, "Oh, my hands were made of coleslaw,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"and then you were in it, and you had really big..."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And you're, like, "This is so boring!"
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Have you ever been...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45When you hear someone describe their dream,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48and they mention someone's in it, do you sit there,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50rather hoping that you're going to crop up?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52But you don't always, and you sort of go,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"I've not invaded this person's consciousness enough."
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Do you sleep on your left or right side?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Cos that may have some impact on whether you dream or not.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Do most people have one side?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Are you a tosser and turner?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Yeah, I think so.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, my God, this is a dream and you're going to wake up and
0:13:08 > 0:13:13go to the toilet in a minute. We're all in your dream!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- So, what did you say? Left or right?- Right.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18That fits with the study that they did in 2004.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21You're more likely to have disturbing dreams if you sleep
0:13:21 > 0:13:24on your left-hand side, than if you sleep on your right-hand side.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- So, I'm good. You toss and turn? - It could be either way.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I didn't realise now I'm making a choice.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Yes!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Am I just going for rest, or adventure?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What side does your wife sleep on?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I'm not aware of her having a preference
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- for one side or the other.- So, you have one side of the bed, right?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- Yeah, yeah.- Surely, see... - NOEL:- Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58So, my husband makes me sleep facing away from him
0:13:58 > 0:14:00cos I breathe too loudly.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- NOEL:- That's quite weird, isn't it?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- HOLLY:- Like those two in the picture.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08When I got married, another thing I found out,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11that it wasn't usual to put your underwear and your socks on
0:14:11 > 0:14:13before you put any of your clothes on.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- What, are you supposed to put them on afterwards?- No, no...
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Did you marry a superhero?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- I get my underwear on, and then I put my socks on.- Right.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- And then I put my outerwear on. - OK. And what's wrong with that?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, apparently, it's weird to put your socks on before you put
0:14:27 > 0:14:29your trousers and your top on.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I think your husband is telling you that things
0:14:32 > 0:14:34he does are things that everyone does.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38It's perfectly reasonable to put your socks on
0:14:38 > 0:14:40before your trousers or shirt.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It's also perfectly reasonable to breathe while you're asleep.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51The problem in your house is he keeps pissing in the kettle.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Anyway...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59What is the worst thing you can do on a bed of nails?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Fall from a great height. - I would say so.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I'd say an orgy.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I'd say to get nailed on some nails would be a terrible thing.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Well, here's the thing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15So, I think you could have an orgy if you were fantastically
0:15:15 > 0:15:17careful about how you got on and off.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Are we talking about the nails or the people?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:25It's about the even distribution of weight across the nails.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26- I did do this.- Did you?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I went on a bed of nails. With a contortionist.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What a night that was.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:34I filmed it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37And he showed me how to lie down.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40It's all right if you're lying down, but he said be very, very careful
0:15:40 > 0:15:42because your instinct when you get up is to put your weight
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- on your hands.- Oh!- Yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46And then that really hurts a lot.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50When I was at school, one afternoon for some reason some
0:15:50 > 0:15:53circus-skills people came round
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and tried to teach us all circus skills.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I love the heavy note of disapproval in your voice.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Waste of bloody time.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I was seven.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You learn circus skills later.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07What I needed was maths.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13They came round and tried to teach us how to juggle,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14we couldn't juggle.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Tried to put clown make-up on,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17some of us had an allergic reaction.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21You know. One of the things was a bed of nails.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22They taught us how to lie on a bed of nails.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25And the way you lie on a bed of nails is
0:16:25 > 0:16:26you just lie on it and it's fine.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28But it's about getting on and off. You're absolutely right.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30So, let's have a look and test this out.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33You've got a very small bed of nails underneath the desk there.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34If you bring it out.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I'm not going on, on the bottom.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Noel, if you would take a seat.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Take a balloon.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Take a balloon and place the balloon on the bed of nails.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Now, apply the pressure evenly.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's actually... Clearly this is a condom.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54See, that's your big problem with having an orgy on a bed of nails.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56If you press down on the wood evenly,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59it can withstand it for quite a long time.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Can I put some real weight on it? - Go on. Burst it. Burst it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03- Go on, then, let's have a go. - GASPS
0:17:06 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- You've done a lot. - I'll try again.- Fantastic.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19A fantastic amount of pressure.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Great, I've got condom up my nose.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Again.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Put your beds of nails away.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Let's have a quick look.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32We've got some video here of a woman.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Now, look how she gets on.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37OK, now watch. This is actually slightly terrifying.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- So, she lies on the bed of nails and then...- Oh, no.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44An anvil left over from the Roadrunner cartoons...
0:17:44 > 0:17:45GASPS
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No! - Her boobs!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I know. I know.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Anvil in the boobs is worse than some nails in the back.- Yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54And rather pleasingly,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58couple of spots which have been nicely popped there.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Maybe that's going to be the new pampering.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01What, lying on a bed of nails?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Turns out, that's really good for the skin.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08You just get on the nails, anvil, couple of guys with some hammers.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yeah. Anyway, beds of nails aren't too painful to sleep on,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13so long as you climb on carefully.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Where's the best place to sleep on the job?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I used to sleep in the boot of my car when I was at work.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Did you?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25In the university holidays, I worked for a textbook company
0:18:25 > 0:18:29and I could do what they needed me to do in about an hour.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Right.- I just go out and I lie down in the back of my car,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and I started taking a duvet in.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37A boot duvet. I called it a boovet.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I did get asked to leave after my boss saw me
0:18:40 > 0:18:42climbing out the back of my car.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- During working hours?- Yes.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yes, I can see that that would have been a very bad thing.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Where I'd clearly been asleep.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- NOEL:- I had a job in a bakery and I lasted four hours.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51What did you do wrong?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Well, the boss popped out and when he came back
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I was lying on the floor eating eclairs without using my hands.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I was just going,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"A-rar-a-rar-ar"
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I looked up and went, "I'll go."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07And then he didn't pay me and my mum marched down there and went,
0:19:07 > 0:19:08"He did do four hours."
0:19:09 > 0:19:14"He did do four hours and then you can deduct the cost of the eclairs."
0:19:14 > 0:19:15So, that's not the answer.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What is the best place to sleep on the job?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, is it British Leyland in the 1970s?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, was that popular thing?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I believe that in the Cowley works in Oxford,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28they had a dormitory that was discovered by the management
0:19:28 > 0:19:30where they had found like beds and duvets.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Very much like the back of your car, but on the industrial scale.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37We're talking further away.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- We're talking...- Space.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Space. We are indeed talking space.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Neuroscientists at Oxford University have been studying
0:19:43 > 0:19:46hibernation and they've been studying hibernation of the
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Madagascan fat-tailed dwarf lemur.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's a name that won't leave the lemur alone.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No. It's just...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Look at your fat tail, you dwarf.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02And they are trying to unlock the secret of suspended animation.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And NASA have spent a huge amount of money because astronauts
0:20:05 > 0:20:07sleeping their way to the stars would use
0:20:07 > 0:20:10less water, less food, oxygen. Avoid boredom.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Their hair would grow though, wouldn't it?- Yes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Their hair would grow. Here's the weird thing.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The genes for hibernation already exist in the human body.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20And ironically, they're dormant.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Of course.- It's something we have forgotten how to do.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26The secret of suspended animation.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28So, it would protect, for example, the health of astronauts.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31They currently have to exercise six hours a day.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Otherwise their muscles and their bones and everything atrophies.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And some animals can hibernate for six months
0:20:37 > 0:20:40without suffering osteoporosis, or any muscle wastage whatsoever.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Apparently, lots of astronauts sleep on the launchpad
0:20:43 > 0:20:45because there's nothing to do.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Marsha Ivins, and that is her there,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51completed five missions for NASA and she said astronauts just take a nap.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"You're strapped in like a sack of potatoes while the system
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"goes through thousands of prelaunch checks.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"And occasionally you have to wake up and say Roger,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"or loud and clear, but basically you just sleep."
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Anyway, sleeping in space could help us reach towards the stars.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08What does the EU have against nightingales?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Is it the noise they make? - Yes, it is the noise they make.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Why might it be?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- It's too loud. - It's too loud, it breaks...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16They're breaking regulations.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yes, they are.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21They're breaking EU health and safety rules.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23There we are, you can have a listen.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24They're too loud.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Ah! Argh!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's quite piercing, isn't it?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32That's a male nightingale marking his territory there.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37And he can sing at 95 decibels, which is the same as a chainsaw.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And our health-and-safety rules for the EU say you shouldn't be
0:21:40 > 0:21:42exposed to anything over 87.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45But the weird thing is, they've done some research in Berlin
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and they have found that birds are now raising the volume
0:21:47 > 0:21:50by 14 decibels to drown out the city sounds.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51- They are having to.- Are they really?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Yep.- I've heard that. In the cities, birds are louder.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Noisy city birds.- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00And they go out to the country, "HELLO, EVERYONE!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"GOT ANY GOOD WORMS OR SPIDERS?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08"I'VE EATEN NOTHING BUT OLD BURGERS ALL WEEK."
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I must say, I've never heard a nightingale song before and
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I'm afraid to say I expected more.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I thought a nightingale song was, like, incredibly beautiful.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- And that was kind of a bit... - Irritating at best.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24A bit pleasant, but also a bit irritating.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Isn't there a Vera Lynn song about it?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Nightingale In Berkeley Square, absolutely right.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Indeed, the BBC's very first outside broadcast, in 1924,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34that was a cellist called Beatrice Harrison and it was
0:22:34 > 0:22:37a duet with Beatrice Harrison and a nightingale.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And she had noticed that nearby nightingales were joining in
0:22:39 > 0:22:42whenever she was practising and so she approached John Reith
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and he was rather dubious about the idea.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48But in fact it was broadcast and one million people listened to her
0:22:48 > 0:22:49playing along with a nightingale.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Now, we step into the dark and stormy night of General Ignorance.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Fingers on buzzers. Where is this cheese from?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'll give you a clue, it begins with S.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04MAN SNORES HEAVILY Alan.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Shropshire.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07KLAXON
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't know what made you think of it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Sometimes, you know...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Sometimes you say the obvious one and then you go, "Yes."
0:23:16 > 0:23:17- No.- Never to me.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20No, it doesn't come from Shropshire. Anything else?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Begins with an S, does not come from Shropshire.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Spain, Sussex, Surrey, Scotland.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Scotland. It comes from Scotland. It absolutely does.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31And it was originally called Inverness-shire Blue or Blue Stuart.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And I don't know why they thought if they renamed it Shropshire,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36people would be more likely to buy it.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- It was a PR job.- So, is it is quite a recent invention?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It's a fairly recent cheese, yeah. Rather like Stinking Bishop.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Oh, yeah, that's like a made up olde worlde thing, isn't it? Yeah.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- It's a... 1973 it was invented. - Like Hobnobs. They're quite recent.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50- Are they?- Yeah, the Hobnobs.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Oh, that's and old biscuit, I'll have a Hobnob.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It's about something like 1981.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55LAUGHER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I resent the Hobnobs' quick entry into sort of...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's a quick biscuit to refer to in a joke.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03You go, "Oh, a Hobnob", or whatever.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04No, hobnob. You're new.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Leave the biscuit references to the rich tea and the digestive.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12They've genuinely... They've done the time.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It's like a bloody ploughman's lunch.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Ad executive's inventions.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And tonight's show was sponsored by Hobnobs...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24to whom we can only apologise.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Stinking Bishop is actually named after the perry,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29so the pear drink it's steeped in.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31The pear itself was bred by a man called Mr Bishop
0:24:31 > 0:24:35and he was so bad-tempered, he was known as Stinking Bishop.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37So bad-tempered that once
0:24:37 > 0:24:40his kettle failed to boil as fast as he wanted it to,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44so he shot it. LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:45And then he pissed in it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Now, when is Sunday and how long does it last?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, I'm not getting into that one, someone else can do that.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Anybody else to buzz?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59WOLF HOWLS Yes, David.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Between Saturday and Monday and 24 hours.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, dear. KLAXON
0:25:12 > 0:25:13No, is the answer.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15So, it is not Sunday. It is sun day.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- And it is...- Is it the summer solstice?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It is the one day in the year.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Where might they be so thrilled to see the sun?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, is it somewhere in Scotland?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Slightly further north.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Oh, is it when the sun appears at the end of the Arctic winter
0:25:32 > 0:25:33- or something like that? - Yeah, it is.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37It's in a place called Uummannaq in north-western Greenland.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It takes place on February the fourth and it's when the sun first appears after winter.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And it lasts for six minutes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44But it is so exciting...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Farming's going well there, isn't it?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Think of their garden.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Alan Titchmarsh, show as your stuff.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It looks like where the Thunderbirds live.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"Why do we live here?" "I don't know."
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And they celebrate that day.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05The schoolchildren take the day off and they have hot chocolate
0:26:05 > 0:26:06and doughnuts and so on
0:26:06 > 0:26:09and they organise sites that everybody can see the sun.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I bet you they still get their tops off when it comes out like here.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Do you think?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I think just loads of middle-aged men go out
0:26:15 > 0:26:17just in their boxer shorts.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Just to get a bit of a tan.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Where does that happen? - In Lewisham.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Every park in the UK.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Speaking on behalf of middle-aged men,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29there's no way we would strip down to our boxes in any park.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31You two are really making a lot of statements on behalf of
0:26:31 > 0:26:34all men this evening.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Yeah, as are you, kettle pisser.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:42From someone who sleeps in the boot of her own car.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Did anybody ever go to that fantastic exhibition in the
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Turbine Hall at the Tate called the Weather Project
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- where they just had a large sun? - I did.- Did you see it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Yeah. It was amazing.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I went to an exhibition at the Tate and it was on pop art and
0:26:57 > 0:27:00there was a room that was set aside from everyone else because it
0:27:00 > 0:27:04was very explicit by this artist called Jeff Koons who does
0:27:04 > 0:27:07basically high art, but pornography.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And this middle-class woman and her two kids came up and the guy on the
0:27:10 > 0:27:11door stopped them and said,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14"This is for over 18 only, you can't come in." And the woman said,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"I'll go in and have a look and I'll come back out and tell you what I saw."
0:27:16 > 0:27:18So she went into the room and she came back out
0:27:18 > 0:27:21a split-second later, completely ashen faced.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23And I heard her lean down to these two kids and she said,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"What happens between a man and a woman it's a beautiful thing.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"What I saw in that room is of no help to anyone."
0:27:33 > 0:27:35That's what you said after the circus skills workshop.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I'm trying to get my head around long division.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I don't need this bullshit.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Don't try and tempt me with Hobnobs.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Take your unicycle and go.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Anyway, let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59And the winner with a full three points,
0:27:59 > 0:28:00it's Holly!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Second place, with -8, it's Noel.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16In third place with -10, Alan.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23David, it's a magnificent loss, can I say?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26-37 in last place, it's David Mitchell.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38So, it's thanks to Holly, David, Noel and Alan.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40That's all from this quite interesting night,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44apart from this Neolithic newspaper nugget from the Western Daily Press.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48A student who woke up after a drunken night out with the words,
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"Barry is a twat" tattooed on his arm
0:28:51 > 0:28:53says he has no idea who Barry is.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Night-night.