0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Wheyyy!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello and welcome to QI.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Tonight's show will be a nebulous nosebag of non sequiturs.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Nestled in next to me, we have three types of non sequitur.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Affirming the consequent, Miles Jupp.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Denying the antecedent, Deirdre O'Kane.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01The fallacy of the undistributed middle, Phill Jupitus.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And getting in a frightful muddle, Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Hello. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And for their buzzers, we've got four non-secateurs
0:01:18 > 0:01:21because one of the researchers can't spell.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Miles goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29SCISSORS SNIP CRISPLY
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Deirdre goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34SCISSOR BLADES SCRAPE TOGETHER
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- On for quite a long time. - Very bad hairdresser, that is.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Slightly rusty. Phill goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42KNIFE CHOPPING VEGETABLES
0:01:42 > 0:01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And Alan goes...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50'Cut!'
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Let's start with a nun-sequitur.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57How do you get urine off a nun?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Yes.- I don't think that nuns pee at all.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Oh!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I know a lot about nuns.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Do you, why's that? - Because I was educated by them
0:02:09 > 0:02:11and it was in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Right. And they never weed?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Never.- I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Very long frocks, and they might have
0:02:20 > 0:02:24some kind of divine catheter or something, but they don't...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You don't see them coming out of a bathroom.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30The Divine Catheter are a great group, aren't they?
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine catheter."
0:02:39 > 0:02:41In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43they used to have the equivalent of a gravy boat
0:02:43 > 0:02:45on a sort of ribbon for long church services.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Yes, they did. Yes, they did.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51A gravy boat on a ribbon.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Is this urine in the picture or is that just something...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"The gravy boat's fallen off!"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"Help me!"
0:03:05 > 0:03:08That's "The gravy boat's fallen off."
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Is it necessary to get urine off nuns?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It was necessary. It was the 1960s.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17A condiment?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee?"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Was it to test, pregnancy tests?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It is to do with pregnancy. Women who go through the menopause,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31their urine contains very high levels of hormones
0:03:31 > 0:03:34that can be used to make medications to increase female fertility,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37something the Roman Catholic Church are very much in favour of.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Hence the horny menopausal women. - Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42That's another good group.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The Horny Menopausal Women.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I love that band. What a gig.
0:03:51 > 0:03:541960, there was a medical student called Bruno Lunenfeld
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and he was looking for a source of menopausal women
0:03:57 > 0:03:59who would be happy to give up their urine.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03So, this is one of those stories where chance takes a moment in life.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He met the Pope's nephew by chance.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And he's talking about, "Where the heck am I going to find
0:04:09 > 0:04:10"a whole lot of menopausal women
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"who don't mind about giving up their urine
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"who will help with fertility drugs?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:16And it was the Vatican and he said,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"I was lucky enough to have a unique connection
0:04:19 > 0:04:24"to an important authority with access to a huge supply of postmenopausal urine."
0:04:24 > 0:04:27See, they've got their bag, their colostomy bags.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31They're disguised as handbags, haven't they?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Boldly worn on the outside. - Hiding in plain sight.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Well, here's the thing that might interest you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Did you know that in the United States,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40it's now possible to rent a nun?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45No, but I'd say that might be becoming a thing world over,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47because there's bound to be a shortage.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Well, we're busy. We're all very busy.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50We haven't got time to pray every day,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53so the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55they run an Adopt A Sister programme.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You have to give about 500 for the sister's retirement needs
0:04:58 > 0:05:02and then she will pray for you every day, saving you the bother.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Will she do light admin as well?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Obviously, do the pray, do the pray, but also,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12if you could give the study a once over, that sort of thing.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Do the laundry. They're great at the laundry.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17My favourite thing about nuns is the Robert Browning poem
0:05:17 > 0:05:20called Pippa Passes that was written in 1841,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24and it goes, "Owls and bats, cowls and twats,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"Monks and nuns, in a cloister's moods,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry!"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And it's funny because he was under the misapprehension
0:05:31 > 0:05:33that twat meant a nun's hat.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Bit of a tight fit.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"Am I wearing it back to front?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"Have you got a bigger one?"
0:05:47 > 0:05:50He said he got the word from a 1660 satirical poem
0:05:50 > 0:05:52called Vanity of Vanities,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"They talked of his having a Cardinal's Hat,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"They'd send him as soon an Old Nun's Twat".
0:05:57 > 0:06:00He thought that must mean hat.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Bless him.- Bless.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Now, this is the non sequiturs show and that's why, Alan,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09we're now going to hit you with a hammer.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Bring on the nerd!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Steve is our resident nerd for tonight,
0:06:22 > 0:06:27he's from the science-cum-comedy group Festival of the Spoken Nerd
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and he is going to hit Alan with a hammer.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So, the first thing is to wrap your hand in this orange goo.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35If you put your hand like that for me, I'm just going to wrap it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- I'm very trusting, aren't I?- Yeah!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Do you notice I'm not doing it?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Yes, I had noticed that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43If you just gently press it with your finger.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Very soft. You wouldn't think that would afford any kind of protection
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- against the hammer.- No.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55This is the point where I say don't try this at home, OK?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- DEIDRE:- Are you feeling anything there?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59How is it? Is there any pain or anything?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00A little bit.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What is it, Steve, is it silly putty or something?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06It's not silly putty.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09So, don't try this at home with silly putty,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- because you will break your fingers. - What is it, then?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13This is called D3o, it's sort of a smart material.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's a non-Newtonian fluid.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- A non-Newtonian fluid?- Yes.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20OK, so you're going to have to start with, what is a Newtonian fluid?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23A Newtonian fluid is...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Are you like this with your lover?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Do not answer that question, Steve.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32So, Newton came up with some equations
0:07:32 > 0:07:35that describe how normal liquids and gases behave,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38but this doesn't behave like Newton described.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42It behaves as a normal liquid most of the time,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45but if you strike it, then the molecules lock together
0:07:45 > 0:07:49and momentarily form a solid that protects your fingers.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51You could make your own non-Newtonian at home?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- You can.- What would you do?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Cornflour and water, if you mix that together.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Which is called?- Oobleck.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59OK, so oobleck, after the gooey green rain
0:07:59 > 0:08:01in Dr Seuss's Bartholomew And The Oobleck.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03So, we have made some.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05We're going to try and do this as a demonstration.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06I have to just manipulate...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08This is a condom.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I say that because somebody had to explain it to me earlier.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18She was walking around with it on her head for ages.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You should have been here when she tried to make a giraffe.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27So, in here is a raw egg in its shell
0:08:27 > 0:08:28and we've got two condoms.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31One which has just got water and a raw egg,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34and I'm going to try and drop this from a great height.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Just...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41OK. Are we ready?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Greater!- Greater height.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46OK, so this one is just water,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and I'm going to drop it into the QI frying pan. Are we ready?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Here we go.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Whoa, that's broken.- That was very pleasing. A very pleasing result.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56So, now, this is the theory.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00OK. The theory is that this one should survive.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04And there we go. The egg is fully intact.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Fantastic. APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Steve!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:09:14 > 0:09:16But seriously, don't hit anybody at home
0:09:16 > 0:09:18because you've made a bit of cornflour.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- That was amazing. - That's not a good idea.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Now, would you want to be pulled off by a Newark man?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Yes.- You would. You would.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Newark in the Midlands or Newark, New Jersey?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Newark, New Jersey.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Noo-wark, as they say.- Ah, OK. - So good they named it once.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Yes. Just Newark. That's it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39I can tell you, he was the Newark steam man.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42So, is this something to do with the train, your train,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44he pulls you off of your carriages?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- In a yard?- We're talking 1868.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Two fantastic American inventors, one called Zadoc P Dederick.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- There's a name.- He was going to come up with something at some point.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And Isaac Grass. And they invented the Newark steam man.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01He was intended to replace horses in pulling carriages,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05so what you did was you opened his jacket and you put coal in his chest
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- and then his top hat worked as a chimney.- Ah. Brilliant.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Oh, if only Abe Lincoln had been wearing one of them in the Ford Theatre.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Unfortunately, they were never able to make them cheaply enough
0:10:16 > 0:10:17to produce on a large scale.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It did absolutely capture the public imagination.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23There were loads and loads of similar ones.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Do you like them? I think they're great.- Oh, wow.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28This is another prototype by Frank Reade Junior.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Lots of people tried. There was a Canadian called George Moore
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and he designed one in 1893.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It was 6-foot tall, steam powered, it was an android.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40It could walk 5mph and ejected the steam from his cigar.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Journalists called him the Iron Man.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Sadly he was made of tin, but that's journalists for you.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Did he have little wheels on his feet?- This one had spurs.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51If you look at the bottom of his feet,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53he's got little spurs to give him traction.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55This one didn't work so well because he had to be attached to a pole
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and basically he just walked round in circles.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59He'd trip over things, wouldn't he?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Surely?- Do you think horses felt in any way threatened by these things?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"Have you seen what they're doing?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"They put a hat on a chimney."
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I like the idea that the horses were running a closed shop.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Yeah.- "Listen, we pull the stuff."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17That's their way of getting around the unions, essentially.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Yes, an equine society, I like that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Deirdre, a better use of steam power,
0:11:24 > 0:11:29so causing more pleasure... for women in particular.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Are you talking about some kind of steam-powered vibrator?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I am! Yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Not an iron. Ohhh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Ooh!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43That photograph does look like there was an iron taken to her there.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46If not flattened, you'd certainly take the crease out of it.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:55In 1869, OK,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58the very first steam-powered...
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Did it have a whistle on it?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01HE WHISTLES
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I can hear Queen Victoria now.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"Summon Mr Brunel."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"I'd like a word."
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Women did go and have this done in doctors' surgeries. They did.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I don't know how anyone would have found it exciting
0:12:16 > 0:12:20because there was a coal-fired boiler and a turbine, OK?
0:12:20 > 0:12:21It was called the manipulator.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- The manipulator!- It was a respected medical instrument until the 1920s
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and certainly there was no end of women trying to get an appointment.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Right.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Queueing round the block.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Now for something completely different.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Could you please do an impression of a trout faking an orgasm?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, Deirdre's off.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It looks like you had a really bad face-lift.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Well, I was trying to be a sarcastic trout.- A sarcastic trout.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- It'll be the gills, it would be like...- A trout faking an orgasm.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Is that it?- Yeah, I'm done.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, the river moved for me as well.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Anybody else want to show...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You do a fine line in animal impersonations.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, I'm not sure. I feel like I'd have to move my tail.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- I'm sure the tail...- I don't believe anybody is stopping you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33If you've just tuned in,
0:13:33 > 0:13:37that was Alan being a trout faking an orgasm.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39The mouth open and the tail wiggling.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So, here's the thing, female trouts do fake orgasms, OK?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50When two trout prepare to spawn,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52they quiver rather violently
0:13:52 > 0:13:54before releasing egg and sperm respectively.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56So they did a study on this, 2001,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00and they found that 69 out of 117 pairings, so it is quite a lot...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Ironically.- Yes, ironically, 69.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05..females did not release her eggs
0:14:05 > 0:14:07despite going through the quivering motions
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and tricking the mate into releasing his sperm.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Why would she do this? It allows her to save herself for a better trout.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- The one.- It also allows
0:14:16 > 0:14:19multiple males to deposit sperm on her
0:14:19 > 0:14:22before she releases the eggs. So, you know when you open a trout,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26you can see if they've got eggs in, you know she was a faker.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28But also what I like about it,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31there's got to be a thing of trout etiquette, she's just going,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"No offence, honestly, you tried," she says to the boy, "But...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"Yeah, that wasn't quite up to scratch."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You don't think of trout being choosy but they must be.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Yeah.- I didn't know they could talk.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45So as this is non sequiturs,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48this doesn't lead me to wonder,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51why was Squirrel Nutkin such a lying bastard?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I should know this because I've been to the Beatrix Potter Museum.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Have you? Where is it, the Lake District somewhere?- Yes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It's quite good.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- If you like Beatrix Potter, it's amazing.- Yeah!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07So we've been talking about lying, faking orgasms.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- It's to do with colour, is it? - DEIDRE:- Is it because he was ginger?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Well, Squirrel Nutkin as you rightly point out was a red squirrel,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15but most other squirrels tend to pretend that
0:15:15 > 0:15:19they've buried their food to trick potential thieves.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22They dig a hole, they pretend to put a nut inside and cover it up,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25all the time, the nut is actually still in their mouth.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27And then they also re-cache,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30so they bury nuts and then they return to them soon afterwards,
0:15:30 > 0:15:31dig them up and bury them somewhere else.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35They sometimes do this five times with the same stash.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39But they did a study in 2008, almost a quarter of all squirrel burials,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42that's of food at some sites, not of each other...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- ..were fake.- It's too late, you said squirrel burials so now...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51They're gorgeous but they're like...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56They're mainly unmarked but you do see little headstones occasionally.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03But here is the thing, there's been a debate since at least 1884
0:16:03 > 0:16:07and it rages on whether squirrels remember where they hide their nuts
0:16:07 > 0:16:09or whether they just hide as many as they can
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and then return to a likely place.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Define "rages."
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Well, there have been studies since 1881.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22There was one in 1991, a study done at Princeton.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Two...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26So, they don't have a conclusion.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29No. The thing is, it rages on.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It rages on.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35There was a fantastic story about a squirrel in 2015.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40A squirrel got locked into the bar of Honeybourne Railway Club
0:16:40 > 0:16:42in Worcestershire for the day, OK?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48It got drunk and caused £300 worth of damage.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53So the club secretary, Sam Boulter, he said that
0:16:53 > 0:16:56all he could find was broken glass and bottles knocked off shelves.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57There was beer all over the floor,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59there was money and straws scattered everywhere
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and he found the culprit hiding behind a box of crisps looking, he said,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Unsteady...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"..and worse for wear."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And now it's time for a game of Pin The Tail On The Numbat.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17So you've got a card with a numbat on it and a tail and the other team,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20you can just watch, so you could have a cup of tea if you like.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- So you've got some tea things. - Oh, lovely.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24However, you're going to have to be blindfolded.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27This is QI so this is the blindfold that you're going to wear.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Who do you want to do the pinning?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- OK, so...- These are weird.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35But Phill is going to wear that as his blindfold.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38These particular goggles mean that the person wearing them
0:17:38 > 0:17:41sees the world upside down.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Oh, weird.- OK? So, if you...
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Oh, my goodness.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- If you want to have... - Oh, I haven't been like this since my 18th birthday.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54If you want to have some idea at home what that is like,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56we can flip the picture on the monitors.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58That is what Alan is currently seeing.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And he is just going to give it a go.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01I can't see the thing.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Where is it?- So... DEIRDRE:- Wrong side of the board.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06There it is. There.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Oh, I can't... Oh! - There's the zebra crossing.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Does it make you feel unwell, Alan? - Yeah, it does.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Hang on. Oh, this is really awful.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Hang on, I think I've got it now.- OK.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'll go the other way. This is hard.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- I'm going to put it there. - Well done.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33APPLAUSE
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Right, Phill, pour a cup of tea for Deirdre, please.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Sugar, upside-down Irish lady?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Just the tea.- Oh, good.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It's really weird.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Oh, Nelly Furtado.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh! Mummy.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56So that's it upside down.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I don't know, don't talk to me!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Yes.- What does it feel like, Phill?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Glastonbury 2000.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, oh, ohh...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Are you getting used to it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Well done. Just...- Go for it. - Yes!- Yes.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Yes. Yes!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Fantastic.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43So, here's the thing, what is extraordinary, in a sense,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45the goggles are actually correcting your vision,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48because your eyeballs, of course, deliver upside-down images
0:19:48 > 0:19:51to your retinas which then are inverted by the brain.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55So upside-down glasses actually show you the image
0:19:55 > 0:19:57as it originally is when it hits your retina.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00If you wore them for a sustained period of time,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02the brain would adjust to the new vision.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03You would learn to function with it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It would take you a couple of weeks.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And then it would take you a full day
0:20:07 > 0:20:08when you took them off to readjust.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And there's some thought that new-born babies,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14it's possible they see the world upside down for a short period
0:20:14 > 0:20:17before their brain learns to flip the image in the retinas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I mean, we do know for certain that babies see things
0:20:20 > 0:20:21in much more detail than we do,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24so a baby that is less than six months old can recognise
0:20:24 > 0:20:27different monkeys just by their faces alone.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30And as we get older, we can only do that with human faces,
0:20:30 > 0:20:31it's called perceptional narrowing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We lose that gift quite early on.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36They also have the capacity to learn four million languages or something, don't they?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Yeah.- But they just don't bother.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- They can't be arsed.- Eventually they can barely speak English.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I like the idea of playing Pin The Tail On A Numbat.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Anyone know where they are? Where they live? Numbats?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Australia?- Australia. Small Australian marsupial.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55They eat 20,000 termites a day.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58They're generally rather quiet but if they are disturbed,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00they make a tutting noise.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"What did you do that for, Craig?"
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"I'm trying to sleep off my termites."
0:21:07 > 0:21:09But they sleep for as much as 15 hours a day.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11They have the most ingenious way of protecting their burrow.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15They climb in head first and then they reverse out,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16they've got rather a tough bottom
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and they reverse out till it wedges the entrance shut.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Yes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It prevents MOST predators wanting to come in.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And they've evolved so much that as they reverse out of their burrow,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- they go... - HE MIMICS REVERSING LORRY BEEPING
0:21:33 > 0:21:38"Numbat reversing. Numbat reversing."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Right, let's put your props away, please.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Goodbye, numbat!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Go down into your hole.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Now, for a question on nutritional networking.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51What's the first rule of fat club?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Well...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'm not allowed to say.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Don't talk about fat club?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02SIREN WAILS
0:22:02 > 0:22:03CHEERING
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Do we think it's a real thing, fat club?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- What do you reckon, Deirdre? - There probably is a fat club.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Well, there were, is the thing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16They existed all over the United States in the late 1800s
0:22:16 > 0:22:18and the early 1900s.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- My brothers!- To be a member, you had to be at least 200lb.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- So that's, what is that? 14st... - Lightweight.
0:22:25 > 0:22:2714st 3. And if you weren't heavy enough to attend,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29you were not allowed to come in.
0:22:29 > 0:22:3114st 4.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- What's that?- 200lb.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Yeah, you're right.- If you're on 14st 4 and you go to the loo,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39you might come out at 14st 3.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40It was really popular.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46The New England fat men's club had 10,000 members at its peak.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49The meetings involved really huge meals,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52followed by physical activity such as leapfrog.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59And then we all gather round the defibrillator.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"My turn!"
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Britain had them and if you didn't weigh enough, in Britain,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07you had to pay a fine to charity.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09We've still got them, they're called schools.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11GROANING AND SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Satire, come on!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16And you could buy things for obese people at the time.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You could buy spring-loaded roller-skates
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and the boost provided by the spring depended on the weight on it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25So a 150lb person could get moving at 6mph
0:23:25 > 0:23:27but a 200lb person would reach 10mph.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30The fatter you were, the faster you would go.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32And if you were under 100lb, the skates just...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Nothing. Nothing happening.- Do you not feel that this is just a way of
0:23:35 > 0:23:38exterminating the fat?
0:23:38 > 0:23:43If you weighed 300lb, you went at 70mph into an oncoming train.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48The first rule of fat club is that you have to be fat.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50And now, the bit of the non sequiturs show
0:23:50 > 0:23:52where nothing follows.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55General ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Who's in charge in a pack of wolves?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Miles?- The one in the hat.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Is there not one?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Yeah. They used to think that a pack of wolves had an alpha male
0:24:10 > 0:24:12who's won through a contest or a rivalry or something.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14In reality, most wolf packs are just families
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and the leaders of those families are the parents.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The concept of the alpha male was popularised by a wildlife biologist
0:24:20 > 0:24:22called David Mech in the 1960s.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23He has spent the rest of his career
0:24:23 > 0:24:27trying to convince people he was wrong.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Yes. It was based on a study of captive wolves
0:24:30 > 0:24:33where natural behaviour goes completely out of the window.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Now, do an impression of a gun with a silencer being fired.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Pfff.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44SIREN WAILS
0:24:44 > 0:24:48APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Phill?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54(Bang.)
0:24:56 > 0:24:58No. They cannot eliminate the sound of a gun.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00They don't even call them silencers these days.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04They're called moderators in the UK, suppressors in the United States.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06They can easily be heard if used in public,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09so criminals never bother with the silencer.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Now, what did Tommy Cooper wear on his head?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14- Let me... - CHOPPING
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Thank you. A fez.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18SIREN WAILS
0:25:23 > 0:25:26No, a fez comes from Turkey, his came from Egypt.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's called a tarboosh. And they're slightly different.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30A fez is a little bit shorter than a tarboosh.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- It's a bit wider at the base... - It can affect your gait.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It can affect your...!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41They are very, very heavy hats.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Always bend at the knee.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Apparently, Cooper was entertaining the troops in Cairo
0:25:49 > 0:25:51and he'd forgotten his helmet that he always wore onstage,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53so he swiped it off a waiter's head.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55And, this is a lovely story, later in life,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57he tried one on in a Cairo market
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and the seller, who didn't recognise him, said, "Just like that."
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And Cooper said, "Why did you say that?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And the seller said, "Because every single English person
0:26:05 > 0:26:06"who ever comes here..."
0:26:09 > 0:26:10"..tries one and says that,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"and you're the very first person who hasn't said it."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Strictly speaking, of course, it shouldn't even be called a hat,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20it's actually a cap because a hat has a rim and a cap has no rim.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Now, to finish off, a spelling test.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You'll see a series of true facts on the screen and I want you to buzz
0:26:25 > 0:26:29as quickly as you can to tell me which is the correct spelling, A or B.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30So let's have a look.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Which one is correct?- A is correct.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38A is correct, very, very good.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39OK, next one.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Yes.- A.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48A is correct. Very, very good.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And let's look at the next one.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Yes?- B.- You think B is true?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01SIREN WAILS
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- No, nobody died.- No. - A horse died, didn't he?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Nobody died, but somebody was dyed, is the truth of it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11So it's often claimed that an extra was trampled underfoot
0:27:11 > 0:27:13in the Charlton Heston film, not true.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16But a man was dyed, D-Y-E-D on the set.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20They had a pond and the water was too brown and murky
0:27:20 > 0:27:22so they put loads of blue dye in it.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26And during one of the battle scenes, an extra fell in and...
0:27:26 > 0:27:30was dyed blue, and generously,
0:27:30 > 0:27:35MGM kept him on the payroll until he returned to his normal colour.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45And that brings me to the scores. Oh, well.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46It's rather magnificent. In first place,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49with an astonishing two points,
0:27:49 > 0:27:50it's Miles!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:59In second place with a very creditable minus 2, Alan.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Oh, thank you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:07With minus 5 in third place, it's Phill.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Deirdre, the nuns would be proud.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Minus 16!
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:28It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Phill, Miles and Alan
0:28:28 > 0:28:30and I leave you with this from the Sunday Correspondent.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Jack Rains, a candidate for governor of Texas,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36has come up with his own ten-point educational plan
0:28:36 > 0:28:40to combat innumeracy and illiteracy in the US.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45When someone pointed out that his plan only contained nine points,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Mr Rains replied, "You just pointed your finger
0:28:47 > 0:28:51"and emphasised the problem we're trying to resolve."
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Good night.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54APPLAUSE