0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Good evening! Happy Christmas! Joyeux Noel
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The turkey is in the oven, this Queen's speech is on YuleTube
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and it's time to see what's under the tree.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46You'll never guess who, Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53A...bit of a know-all, Susan Calman.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- X marks the spot, Matt Lucas.- Hello!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It's me! It's actually me!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And a Christmas cracker, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Hello.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Right, let's hear their festive buzzers. Josh goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# Dashing through the snow... #
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Susan goes... - # In a one-horse open sleigh... #
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER Matt goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24# O'er the fields we go... #
0:01:24 > 0:01:25And Alan goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- CHILD'S VOICE:- Are we nearly there yet?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:34So, God aften, velkomst to QI, or Glaedelig Jul.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Yes indeed, this year, we have gone all Danish.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39The panel are dressed as nisse,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42which is the traditional Danish Christmas elf, and I have to say,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43this is a very Danish thing,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46we have a little competition on Christmas Eve...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Ooh.- ..to see who can find the whole almond.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It's not fun when you actually play it,
0:01:52 > 0:01:56but the winner gets a marzipan pig. There we are.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Isn't that fantastic? LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, yes, please.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Can I ask, where am I going to have to search for the full almond?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Don't you worry about the almond, but the prize today,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- the marzipan pig, is rather fine.- It is.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12So, we shall be doing that and goodness knows what else besides.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Now, a recent survey asked the British public what Christmas
0:02:15 > 0:02:19tradition should be preserved. Number three, paper decorations.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Number two, carols, but number one was parlour games.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Oh, no.- Right? Yes, so, let's try a parlour game to get us started.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31One Victorian parlour game was called taboo.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You were asked a question and had to answer without using
0:02:34 > 0:02:36a taboo letter of the alphabet.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Our taboo letter tonight is obviously N,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41so please answer the following questions
0:02:41 > 0:02:45without using the letter N. Matt,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49name a tasty yellow fruit grown mostly in the Caribbean
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and Central America.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55In the Philippines its name has been corrupted to bayabus.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Is it, um, a bu-art-a?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm trying to think what's nice and yellow. Crisps.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04- I'm going for crisps. - LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Yes, as a tasty yellow fruit.- Yes. - So, no, the answer is guava...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Ah.- ..is the answer we were... - Oh, there is an answer?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14There is an answer! LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I've been playing this game wrong for years.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- It isn't banana at all. The answer is guava...- Guava.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22..is the fruit that we were looking for.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25In the Philippines, it has been corrupted to bayabus.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Do you know what the Filipinos call bananas?- No.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- They call them bananas. I could've got you with that one...- Yeah.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- ..had you fallen for it. - So, Sandi, even in counter...- Yes.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- ..in cross-examination...- Yes. - ..the rules of the game still apply.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- No, just the answer, just the answer.- Just the answer.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44But a supplementary counts as well, cos you said you could've got...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46It will do with you. Here's your question...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- Susa Calma. - LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Susan, what do you call a woman who looked after Victorian children
0:03:54 > 0:03:57whose mothers were social equals,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59but couldn't be arsed to do the job themselves?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Well, I would call them the help.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Which is nice, but not the correct term.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Well, then I would call them...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10SUSAN GIGGLES
0:04:10 > 0:04:15You've got such a gaze, Sandi! It's like the eye of Sauron.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Sorry, but Sauron's got an N in it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, come on!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I would've said the nanny, or a governess...
0:04:24 > 0:04:25- Oh...- Yes. - ALARM RINGS
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- I was actually cajoled into that. - You were.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31So, not nanny, obviously,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33because how many Ns have you got there, Susan?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- At least two.- At least two.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Also, not social equal, a nanny.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's au pair.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41- JOSH:- Oh, no...- Au pair.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, Josh! Don't start with your,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"Oh, it was on the tip of my tongue there"!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- It's been around since the 1840s... - Has it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Well, it literally means social equal, au pair.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53- Does it?- Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Have you met our social equal? She's really, really fit.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:02He's only run off with a social equal.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:07So, nobody doing very well,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09but I'm relying on Josh to get this one right.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Watch and learn.- OK, here we go...
0:05:11 > 0:05:12SUSAN LAUGHS
0:05:14 > 0:05:17..what do you call a Roman Catholic religious woman
0:05:17 > 0:05:21who has taken simple vows of poverty, chastity and obedience?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Is it the au pair?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No, it's guava.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, it's difficult, isn't it, now? Yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Yeah, not so quick with the answers now, are we?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Tracy?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Um, oh, go on, then. Nun.- Nun...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- ALARM - Yeah.- No.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- No.- So, here's the thing, the answer is a sister.
0:05:50 > 0:05:56So a nun has taken solemn vows, but a sister has taken simple vows.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's a technical difference to do with the repudiation of property.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02So a nun's SOLEMN vow repudiates property absolutely.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07A sister's SIMPLE vow allows her to reserve an interest.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:11She's hedging her bets, Josh. Hedging her bets, that one.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Right, Alan.- Yes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:20Name any of the digits in the common emergency telephone number.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's like you can see the brain working.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26111. Oh, no, that's got Ns in...
0:06:26 > 0:06:27ALARM AND APPLAUSE
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Oh...- So, what's the difference?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- There's an emergency number which is?- 999.- 999.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36ALARM
0:06:36 > 0:06:38They're great guys, they're great guys.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- But the common emergency telephone number is 112.- Is it?- Yes.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46So you can use it on a mobile phone, even if it's locked
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- or you haven't got a SIM card... - It's got Ns in, 112.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Well, I asked you to name any of the digits in the common emergency...
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Oh, come on!- So you could've said- 2. Oh, my word.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58INDISTINCT WAILING SOUND
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Two.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Well, it's Christmas, so Alan wins that one. There we go.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:13We can dispense with our nisse hats, I think, for the moment.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17We might have some more parlour games a little bit later, you'll be glad to hear.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Meanwhile, who are Spoon Licker, Doorway Sniffer,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Sausage Swiper and Meat Hook?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24# ..The snow... #
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Yes, Josh? - Is that how you refer to us four?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:37And if so, name names.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Yes!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41If you have to describe us, Sandi,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43which one of us would be the Sausage Swiper?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:46# We go...
0:07:46 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I was being so careful...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Are they reindeer?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57No, they're not reindeer, but it is obviously a Christmassy...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- I think I know the answer, kind of. - Yes, go.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I think it's something to do with Iceland and Christmas.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It is something to do with Iceland and Christmas.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Does anybody have any ideas what it might be? Josh, yes?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Is that the food they sell in Iceland at Christmas?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I bet whoever got Doorway Sniffer hasn't gone...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Ooh.- Yes?- Is it the nativity people?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Yes, those are all the people who turned up to meet Jesus.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- I'm not going to lie to you!- Yes. - When I said it, I thought... I'm right!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:38And now I've never felt so stupid in all my life.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It is what I call a random Scandinavian fact,
0:08:40 > 0:08:41it's a Randy Scandy.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47These are four of the Icelandic 13 Santas.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51They are called the Yule Lads. There they are, there's a Yule Lad.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53And each of them leaves a gift for the children
0:08:53 > 0:08:55on successive nights, starting on December the 12th.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58And there are some fantastic names, there's also Pot Scraper,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and Bowl Licker, Sheep Cot Clod...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Window Peeper, I worry about... LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It's more of a gift for him, really, I think.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Anyway, what's the worst thing about Christmas lights?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Oh, they get terribly tangled up, don't they?- They do.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17The worst thing I've encountered about Christmas lights
0:09:17 > 0:09:19is they get in the way of the remote control.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- They do, they do interfere with your Wi-Fi. JOSH:- Do they?- Yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The microwaves which come from your Wi-Fi router are quite weak
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and they can get locked by stronger signals, and indeed
0:09:27 > 0:09:29the Christmas lights would be a stronger signal.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33The man across the road from me changes my channel on my television.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You must ask him not to sit next to you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37- LAUGHTER - No!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He sits across the road and he changes my channel.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Highland games for you.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So, it is the Wi-Fi, but that's not the first thing on the list.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It's environmental cost, is the real thing.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54It's Incredible. So the US Energy Department,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58they did a study in 2008, and over the whole of the United States
0:09:58 > 0:10:02a staggering 6.63 billion kilowatt hours of electricity use,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07so that is twice as much electricity as Cambodia uses in a year.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08MURMURING FROM AUDIENCE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Just for the Christmas lights.- It's very dark there, though, isn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Cambodia? LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Well, it's also more than the annual use in lots of countries,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Ethiopia, El Salvador, Tanzania...- I don't like, really...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Don't like what? - They go a bit overboard, don't they?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Oh, when they do the whole house it makes me crazy.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- What I don't mind is a moving reindeer.- Yes.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- I don't mind that.- So you work on that impression all year
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- and then you bring it out at Christmas.- What's this? What's this?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Moving reindeer! Every year.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Christmas lights are also responsible for
0:10:41 > 0:10:43a great many injuries, so...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Tripping up, burning... - Oh, my goodness. Yes.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I mean, he's gone the wrong side up a ladder.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He's only got himself to blame. This is nothing to do with the lights.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56He's looked at the manual and just got it the wrong way round.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:02This ladder is shit!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:06So, lots of people injured putting up Christmas lights.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- The average victim is a 55-year-old man.- Well.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Is he the one that lives across from Susan?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And now for a bit of a Danish Christmas parlour game.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Or rather we're going to turn it into a parlour game.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So, there is a Danish tradition... We celebrate Christmas Eve,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and then we all hold hands and we sing standing around the tree.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27So we're going to give this a go,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30but we're going to do it in a very QI manner, and in order to help us,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33please welcome, from Festival of the Spoken Nerd, Helen and Steve.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:41OK...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46So, the really important thing, Helen,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49is that we have to hold hands and sing. OK, are you happy with this?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- All right.- This experiment works best if you hold hands and sing.- OK.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54But we're going to start off telling you what we've got.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Over here I've got an amplifier. - Right.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Going into that is some traditional Danish Christmas music.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Thank you very much. - Over there, another amplifier, coming out of that is a speaker.- OK.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And normally you'd use a speaker cable to connect the two.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- I've taken that speaker cable and I've cut it in half.- Half?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Is that exposed wiring, Helen? - Yeah. But we've made it safe.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- I would say don't try this at home. - OK.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19What I need to do is I need to give you that bare wire...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- It really is perfectly OK? All right.- Yes, absolutely fine.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23We have measured the current going through this,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25it's either so low that our meter can't read it,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- or our meter's broken. - LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So can I get you to hold that bare wire? So you've got bare wires...
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I love you, Mum.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- I just need you to touch the bare wires...- It's seriously OK to do this?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- OK.- Absolutely. Just touch them together.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Ah, that's lovely. That's a song we sing when we go round the tree.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Um...
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- OK. And if I let go?- Everyone else's whelm is very much under.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER Yes, cos so far
0:12:53 > 0:12:55all I've done is connect up the speaker wire.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57What I can do is, Stephen,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- you could give that to Josh and I will take this round...- OK.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Now, Matt, if you could take out your hand and grasp...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Don't, Josh!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:09 > 0:13:10No! OK.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14- OK?- No! No, it's fine.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Ah! No, it's fine.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:20This is where you get to hold hands.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Let's find out if it works. So, if you can link up.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24So, Matt, you hold Susan's hand.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27My hair's already fallen out, but for you guys, who knows?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- It's the spirit of Christmas... - STATIC NOISE
0:13:30 > 0:13:32GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC
0:13:32 > 0:13:34APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Susan was looking very sceptical.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45MUSIC RESUMES
0:13:45 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Have you got any Wham?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER Why does it work?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Humans are about 70% water and that means your skin's about 70% water,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03but water's not a very good conductor of electricity,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07but salty water is, so the sweatier you are...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10the better this works.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That was absolutely fantastic.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14The Festival of the Spoken Nerd!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Scary, that was actually quite scary.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I'm telling my mum that you made me do that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Right, what's this Christmassy noise?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31INDISTINCT SPLUTTERING SOUND
0:14:32 > 0:14:34# We go...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Matt?- That is after the Christmas meal when you've fallen asleep...
0:14:37 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:40That's Grandpa farting, isn't it? Let's be honest.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42ALARM AND LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Thank you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- It's a pony.- JOSH:- Yeah, is it a reindeer?- It's a pony or a reindeer.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54You think it's a reindeer? It is a creature.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It's the death throes of a turkey.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You are the closest, you are the closest at the moment, it is a bird,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- but it's a bird that might appear... - A robin?- ..in a song?- Partridge.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09It is a partridge. It is absolutely, it is the sound...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- So, I...- Rrrr!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Do you want to hear it one more time?- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17SPLUTTERING SOUND
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- That is the sound of a partridge Farting.- ..taking off.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Oh, taking off? Oh!- Yeah.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26So here is the extraordinary thing, it comes from the Greek word... ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:15:26 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That's how they get themselves going.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Go... - ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:15:34 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39So here's the weird thing, Alan, it comes from the Greek, perdesthai,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- which means to break wind. - Shut the front door.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Partridge, the word partridge means to break wind.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50And it gets its name from the rapid fluttering noise it makes when it flies away.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- ALAN BLOWS A SMALL RASPBERRY - Partridge...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Time for another parlour game! Are you there, Moriarty?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02This is a British one which I frankly don't understand. OK.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07So, you are blindfolded, you hold each others' left hands,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09one of you shouts out, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:10The other one shouts, "Yes"
0:16:10 > 0:16:12And the one who said, "Are you there Moriarty?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:14then tries to hit them with the newspaper.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I'll be shouter.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19OK. You take turns, you take turns.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Oh, all right, OK.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I mean, obviously I'm going to have to hit the target, but I'm not
0:16:23 > 0:16:26sure how comfortable I am hitting a woman on national television.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27It's Susan, you'll be all right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Right.- Think about the man over the road!- Oh, thanks.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Left hands held.- Give me your hand. - Left hand.- Left hands held.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- OK.- OK, good.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Are you there, Moriarty?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Yes!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Do I try again? - You try again, that's it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Sorry...
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Go on, Susan.- Are you there, Moriarty?- No, I'm not. No.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:58No, I've left! Ow! Ow!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- Do you know what?- Yes?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I'd love the idea that someone has turned on this for the first time and gone...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- SUSAN:- Ow! Ow!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- Ow! Ow!- Fascinating. This is good, this is good.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- I've found her, so I don't need to...- Right, you two, come on, let's have a go.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Do we stand up?- So... No...- Ow! - LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:27I think Alan's won.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30So now hold left hands.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'm not going near him, he's an animal!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Hold left hands. OK.- Got you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- So, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?"- Are you there, Moriarty?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Ow.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Ow!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- No. Alan...- What?- So, you have to say...- How am I doing?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:47- SUSAN:- You missed!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Let me just do it again.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?"
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58OK? Right, Josh.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Er, are you there, Moriarty?- Yes. - Now, try and escape.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Just one hit!- Ow!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I don't want to... Ow!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Ow!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:18:22 > 0:18:23No!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Josh, you were rubbish at that game. You were rubbish.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I'm not sure that was the problem...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I think the, the overall winner of that is Alan.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:54This is great. Are you all right?
0:18:57 > 0:19:02Now, what does a Siberian getaway car look like?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Some sort of a sled-y thing? - Is it huskies?- It is a sled thing, it's not huskies.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- SUSAN:- Reindeer? Cats! - It is reindeer.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- JOSH:- "Cats"!- Apparently, the local indigenous population are very,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16very skilled at reindeer driving and reindeer sleighs are faster
0:19:16 > 0:19:19over snow than police snowmobiles.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22In fact, in 2014, the Moscow Times reported there were plans
0:19:22 > 0:19:24afoot for a police reindeer division...
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- to tackle this specific...- I bet they look lovely in their wee hats.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Oh, yes, and blue lights.- Yeah.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Blue lights on the reindeer, that would be very...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- JOSH:- Or just the nose, going like that.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I had a chance encounter with a reindeer once.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43In the Arctic, and here's the thing that is extraordinary about them,
0:19:43 > 0:19:44they've got hairy noses.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- They don't have shiny, moist noses.- Aw!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50They've got these really delightful hairy noses.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52They're also unique amongst deer in that they are actually
0:19:52 > 0:19:55attracted to the smell of human urine.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Er, I guess if you wanted to lure a reindeer to you,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- that would be the way. - Let's do it now! Let's do it now!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Someone pee there and we'll see if one comes.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's Christmas!
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Excellent.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Right, that's the turkey dinner out of the way,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14let's fall asleep in the comfy armchair of General Ignorance.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15- Josh, last year...- Yes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- ..you told us all about the hairy hands of Dartmoor.- Yes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Is that right?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23They grab the steering wheel of your car and drive you off the road.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I wonder if you could just remind us which road you said it was.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Er, the B3021?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yes...
0:20:30 > 0:20:31ALARM AND LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:36This is, I can promise you,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38one of the finest quibbles that QI has ever received.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42There is a gentleman called Ian Dunn who has written in to point out that
0:20:42 > 0:20:48the hairy hands of Dartmoor actually haunt the B3212 and not the B3021.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:51You are...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'm afraid you're having points docked this time.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- What? Posthumously?- Yes. It couldn't be more wrong,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05the B3212 runs across Dartmoor between Exeter
0:21:05 > 0:21:07and Yeovilton via the hamlet of Postbridge,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- that's where the hairy hands hang out.- Of course, yeah.- The B3021
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I'm afraid goes from Old Windsor to Datchet in Berkshire.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Remember that, the next time you make a joke.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Can I just say that he watched me talk about these ghost hands
0:21:20 > 0:21:22that appear and drive you off the road and his quibble
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- was with the number of the road? - Yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You didn't just let Ian down, or the show down,
0:21:28 > 0:21:29you've let yourself down, haven't you?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31In many ways, I think I've let Jesus down.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- LAUGHTER - Yes, I know.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And his hairy hands!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And now for another of those Christmas traditions that
0:21:41 > 0:21:44people want to preserve, cutting decorations out of paper.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46So you should have some scissors and some paper.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And here is my question, if I want to make a five-pointed star,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53how many straight lines would I need to cut?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I tell you what, these would've been a game-changer
0:21:56 > 0:21:58in Are You There, Moriarty? Wouldn't they?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So how many cuts do we think? It's a five-pointed star.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06That's two so far, Sandi.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- OK.- I'll do a couple more now. There's another one.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- How are you doing?- Great, Sandi.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Got the solution immediately.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Here we go, here we go.- Oh, no!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23MUTED APPLAUSE
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, that's very good.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It looks more like a person, a sort of happy person jumping.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33SUSAN LAUGHS
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What is that?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- What is that, Josh? - I don't know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42It looks like that London 2012 logo, doesn't it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:46So the answer is one.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49The Fold And Cut Theorem states
0:22:49 > 0:22:51that any shape composed of straight lines
0:22:51 > 0:22:53can be made using a single cut,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55if you can just figure out which way to fold the paper.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59So all you need to do, here they are, is just cut along the red line.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- Just cut along the red line. - I've done it.- So, one cut...
0:23:03 > 0:23:04I've done it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06ALAN CRIES OUT
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Well that's... What is that?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:21They've all done it! What's wrong with you all?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Oh, yeah, no.- We've got the wrong bit!- The wrong bit of paper.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29I got the wrong bit as well.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Who's got it? Who's got the star? - Me.- There we go.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36From one single cut you can get a five-point star.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41And there is a presumably apocryphal story, Betsy Ross,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44the woman who is alleged to have made the very first American flag,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47was discussing the design for the flag with George Washington,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and he said, "Could you do a six-pointed star?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And she said, "A five-point would be easier", and she showed him
0:23:52 > 0:23:55by folding a piece of cloth in that manner, and that is why
0:23:55 > 0:23:57the modern flag has the five-point star.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00There's a problem with this story, if you go to Philadelphia,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03you can visit Betsy Ross' house, but it's almost certain that she didn't
0:24:03 > 0:24:05live there and probably didn't make the flag, but there we are...
0:24:05 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER Other than that...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09American history in a nutshell.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Susan, I want you to have my star and also be my girlfriend, please.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Susan, be very careful.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He's the man from over the road!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Do you know what?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I always used to get quite lonely at Christmas cos I didn't have
0:24:26 > 0:24:30a date and I don't feel lonely this Christmas because I've got you now.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Brilliant. We are boyfriend and girlfriend.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:37There you go.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39That's the most uncertain round of applause.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I didn't want it to come to this, but Alan...
0:24:42 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:56OK, how would you consume the original Humpty Dumpty?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Is it that he wasn't an egg? He was something else?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Is correct. Yes.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It's always been a sort of a nickname,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06but it wasn't an egg. In fact, in the early depictions of the rhyme,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08he's actually depicted as a child.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10There he is, not looking entirely content.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Some people think it might have been a story about Richard III
0:25:13 > 0:25:16depicted as humpbacked in Tudor histories, and he was defeated,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20and despite all his king's men and horses, at the Battle of Bosworth.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Oh, isn't he gorgeous?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25So when did it start becoming about an egg?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Because it's an egg, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Well, we now think of it as an egg,
0:25:28 > 0:25:35but the earlier citation in the OED is for a drink made with ale,
0:25:35 > 0:25:36boiled with brandy...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Yes, please.- And I have some here.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42And I have five glasses.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, yes.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Are you sharing it out or just having a brilliant time?
0:25:46 > 0:25:47I am sharing it out.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52- So here is the thing as well, the traditional...- Keep pouring!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55The traditional food that is eaten at a Danish Christmas
0:25:55 > 0:25:57is something called aebleskiver.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00They are a little tiny, like a pancake thing,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02which you have in jam,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05and these have been made for me by a brilliant Danish chef,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Bronte Aurell, from the Scandinavian Kitchen in London,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10who's here in the audience. Where are you, Bronte? Give us a wave.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Brilliant.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Have a glass, there we are. - Then took the jam on your head...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18There you go.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- There we go.- Thank you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Say it's medicinal. - Oh, God, that's horrific.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29SLURRING So, Humpty Dumpty was originally a mixture...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31This is lovely, isn't it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I never had a happy childhood, I wasn't happy.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I didn't like you, either! OK...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Let's all just get a taxi...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45SUSAN SLURS
0:26:47 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Humpty Dumpty was originally a drink...
0:26:54 > 0:26:58of ale and brandy and you consumed it like this. Cheers to everybody.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Cheers.- Skol!- Cheers.- Cheers...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:09OK, so, that brings us to the matter of the festive scores,
0:27:09 > 0:27:14and here's what I've decided, it's Christmas, so everybody is a winner.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16First equal to everybody,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20but the marzipan pig goes to the man of the hour,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Alan Davies.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Go on, eat it, Alan.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31QI THEME TUNE AND APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:35OK.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39So, it's thanks to Susan, Matt, Josh and Alan.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Now, Christmas is a time of togetherness, so I thought we could
0:27:42 > 0:27:47end the show tonight by solving a Christmas equation together, OK?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Are you ready? Here we go. So, Alan, let's have a quick look.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Here is an equation. What would you like to do with that equation?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:02- I would... Now...- Yes?- I would multiply both sides by R squared...
0:28:02 > 0:28:05OK, we're going to multiply both sides by R squared.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07There we go. Right, Josh?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- Er, well, LN is obviously the natural log.- SUSAN:- Whoo!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY - Yeah...
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- So if we raise both sides to the power of the natural log...- Yeah.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- ..which is, the base is E... - Yeah.- Cancels out, doesn't it?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28OK, well, fancy. It does, yes, like that? Is that what do you mean?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER OK, so, very good, Matt.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Well, I am going to propose we multiply both sides by M.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Oh. OK, excellent. Susan?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Well...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- we've all had a lovely time.- Yes.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45LAUGHTER
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- SLURRING - It's Christmas...
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I just love you all.
0:28:50 > 0:28:55I think we should go a bit mad and expand the R squared.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Expand the R squared thing and there we are,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00you've only had it on cue, Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE