0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening, and welcome to QI
0:00:35 > 0:00:40for a truly original episode about origins and openings.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Please welcome with open arms the open-eyed Rich Hall.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51The open-minded Susan Calman.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The open-mouthed Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And opening a can of worms, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13So, without further ado, I declare the show open.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Rich goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:20MUSIC: Grieg's Piano Concerto
0:01:22 > 0:01:23That's lovely.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- I have to wait for all of that before I can answer?- Yes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Susan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:34DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Some of the greatest openings in the world. Josh goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44MUSIC: Beethoven's Fifth Symphony
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Alan goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:49MUSIC: The Muppet Show theme
0:01:52 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Right, I'd like you to act out the opening scene
0:01:58 > 0:02:01of the classic film All Together Passionately.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Sorry, am I on the wrong show?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I mean, I'm happy to do it, as long as I can go on top.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I think you should speak to Josh.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13As long as you've got a cushion, I'm fine with it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Anybody know All Together Passionately?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- A great film. - It's not ringing any bells.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It is the Italian name, I will tell you, for a very famous film.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Tutti Insieme Appassionatamente.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I'll be honest, if anything, I'm further away from the answer.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- OK, if I do this... - The Passion of the Christ.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- No.- Titanic.- Titanic?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37No, and I'm twirling around on top of an Austrian mountain...
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Oh, The Sound Of Music.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The Sound Of Music. It is the Italian name...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43There's no Italian phrase for the sound of music?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Apparently, that's what they called it, All Together Passionately.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47In Italy?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50That sounds like a film you wouldn't watch on a train.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Do you watch a lot of films on trains?- Lots of them. You have to...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, yes, because you don't fly, so you spend your life on a train.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yes, so you have to be very careful sometimes if you have a film
0:02:58 > 0:02:59with a bit of...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Naughtiness.- ..naughtiness. You have to turn it to the window.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Does anybody here cry at movies on planes
0:03:05 > 0:03:07that you wouldn't normally cry at?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Like Paul Blart - Mall Cop. That's...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm in floods. Floods!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Not just at movies, sometimes just a credit card ad.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Like, "Oh, my God, she lost her...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"Oh, she got it back. Thank God!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:23So many emotions to handle in one commercial!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, here is a thing about The Sound Of Music.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It was so popular in South Korea when it was first released,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33one theatre owner in Seoul made the film shorter
0:03:33 > 0:03:35by cutting out all the musical numbers...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40..so they could show it more often.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Do you know what? I've never seen it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- SANDI GASPS - Josh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Oh, really? Never? - You've never seen...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- THROATILY:- # You are 16 Going on 17... #
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Do you know, I was once lucky enough to meet Julie Andrews?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04It's the only time in my entire life I have been completely speechless.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Because she wouldn't shut up?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Kept harping on about what her favourite things were.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09It was very annoying.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- COCKNEY ACCENT:- "Do you like them tied up with string?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"I bet you do, girl! I bet you do!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"What's a deer? What's a female deer? Come on!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, Julie, leave me alone!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I'll get the puppets out. I'll get the puppets out!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31"Do you want to see the goat herd?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35# High on the hill... # "It wasn't me singing."
0:04:35 > 0:04:37# High on the hill... #
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I'm Maria. I'll be back with you. I'm Maria."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Shut up, Julie! God!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47APPLAUSE
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'll be honest, I understood none of that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59OK, let's try five more original movie titles.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03The top one, I can tell you, Please Don't Touch The Old Women,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05an Italian version of a famous film.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Is it Cocoon?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11No!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12It's The Producers.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- What?! - The Producers.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yes. Because, you know, the whole thing is about him raising money
0:05:17 > 0:05:20from the old women, so I guess that's the bit they most focused on.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Try the next one - this is the Brazilian title of the famous film.
0:05:23 > 0:05:2511 Men And A Secret.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Ah, it was 12 Angry Men, but one of them is transgender.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Ocean's Eleven.- It is Ocean's Eleven, you're absolutely right.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Yay!- OK, this one is also Italian, this next one.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Don't Open That Door!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Das Boot.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Right, this next one is Chinese.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I'll be honest, when you say which country it's from,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03it's of no relevance. "Oh, it's Chinese, oh, yes."
0:06:03 > 0:06:04It's Chinese, yes. His Great...
0:06:04 > 0:06:06MUPPET SHOW OPENING THEME Yes?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08The Man With The Golden Gun.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Come on!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No, it's Boogie Nights.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Oh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No, no, no, no!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Would you like to see my great device?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Now, next question.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27What did Mr First think of Mr Second?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Oh!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Didn't like him.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35We are talking about Omero Catan, an American man who claimed
0:06:35 > 0:06:38to have been the first person at over 500 opening events,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and he was known as Mr First.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And his brother Michael very occasionally took his place,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and he was known as Mr Second.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47But the rivalry between the two was truly terrible.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49So he would just turn up at openings?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53So, when he was 13 years old, Omero Catan heard of a family friend
0:06:53 > 0:06:56who had been the very first to cross the Brooklyn Bridge when it opened,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00so that is 1883, and that inspired him, one year later,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03when he was 14, to become the very first American passenger
0:07:03 > 0:07:05aboard the Graf Zeppelin.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08There it is, the Graf Zeppelin. Look at that thing!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You could fit three 747s on one of those airships.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But he was the very first American passenger to fly the Atlantic
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- in that airship. - Yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Which took four and a half days in those days.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21And then he rose to fame. He did all sorts of things.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He set up camp outside the Lincoln Tunnel for four days
0:07:23 > 0:07:25so he could be the first to drive through.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28He was the first person to buy a ticket for the Eighth Avenue Subway,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31first person to skate on the Rockefeller ice rink, first person
0:07:31 > 0:07:33to drive across the Hudson Tappan Zee Bridge, and the
0:07:33 > 0:07:35first person to put a quarter in a New York parking meter.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- You should never be first to do things like that.- Why not?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Because the danger aspect. You wait until a lot of people have done it
0:07:41 > 0:07:43and then you know it's safe, and then you pop on.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46It's so good Neil Armstrong didn't make that speech.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Oh, I bet he hates Neil Armstrong, doesn't he, Mr First?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54No, actually, he said, "I wouldn't have had the nerve,"
0:07:54 > 0:07:56is what he said about Neil Armstrong when he was asked.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I bet Mr First is an absolute bore at dinner parties.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Yes. - "I've been here ages!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:07But what happened was, in 1945, the third Lincoln Tunnel opened
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and Mr First was in the UK. And so his brother Michael
0:08:10 > 0:08:13was asked if he would be there in his place.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17He began to step in more and more regularly, and the papers started
0:08:17 > 0:08:21to give them equal status, and Mr Second became Mr First.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23GASPS
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Terrible tensions. Terrible tensions between them!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Oh, my God. - Omero became convinced that
0:08:27 > 0:08:29his brother was trying to steal the limelight.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There were offers from Hollywood to make a movie, he wouldn't have it
0:08:32 > 0:08:34because he didn't want his brother to get equal billing
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and his very last first was a drive through the newly opened
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I-595 highway from Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport
0:08:42 > 0:08:44to the Everglades.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Not one of his classics, that, was it?- No.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Now, what's the worst thing that can happen when you open something?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Well, if it's the gentleman that pressed the button
0:08:53 > 0:08:56on the Virgin Train from Glasgow to London, he'd say
0:08:56 > 0:08:59it's seeing me on the toilet, which is what happened today.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Those doors take so long to open!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Especially... If you're a gentleman, you can go, "Oh, gosh!"
0:09:12 > 0:09:15If you're a lady, you just have to sit and go...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19But the problem is...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22The problem is, because I'm so short, my legs were swinging.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I love that you felt you needed to explain that to ME!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33We used to take the train to visit my aunt in California
0:09:33 > 0:09:35and it took five days to get there.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37And so it's quite boring for children, so what we used to do
0:09:37 > 0:09:39was go to the toilet on the train and then flush,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and then run to the back of the train.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And there was a little sort of platform, and you could watch all
0:09:44 > 0:09:46the toilet paper rushing out across the desert.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50The most marvellous entertainment for children. It was very good.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52When did you grow up?!
0:09:54 > 0:09:55It was a black and white time.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I was born in 1958.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That is astonishing...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- What, that I'm still working? - Five days! No...
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Josh, just a wee thing for you, sweetie pie. See when a woman
0:10:08 > 0:10:11talks about her past, don't go, "When did you grow up?!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I was...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16It's not the 18th century.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18In the '60s, yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19No, that's what I presumed.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I presumed the '70s or '80s, actually.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Thank you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24And this week's winner is Josh!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33OK, what's the worst thing that can happen when you open something?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Is it something that begins with O?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Well, it's lots of opening nights that have not
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- gone as well as possible.- Oh.- So the O-lympics, we could start with.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- There will be no doves at the Tokyo 2020...- Oh, no!
0:10:44 > 0:10:49..which is because they were banned after the 1988 Seoul Olympics,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51when, instead of flying out, as this photograph suggests...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53GASPS
0:10:53 > 0:10:55..into the sky, they decided to perch on the huge saucer
0:10:55 > 0:10:58in the centre of the stadium with the Olympic Flame,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and several birds were incinerated.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- You say incinerated, but you mean roasted.- I do, yes.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Mm! Just a little bit more! - Absolutely delicious.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Most delicious opening ceremony I've ever been at!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Opening night of BBC Two was a disaster.- Oh, that's...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16There was a power outage
0:11:16 > 0:11:18and the whole of Television Centre went dark that night.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21But the best bit of the story is, to publicise the launch,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23they had been using a graphic of a kangaroo.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26So the kangaroo represented BBC One and then in the pouch,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28the little joey is BBC Two.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So they thought, "For opening night, let's get some real kangaroos..."
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Oh, no. - "..in the studio."
0:11:33 > 0:11:34And they had just got them into the lift
0:11:34 > 0:11:37and pressed the button at the moment when the power went...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, my word!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41..and apparently, the kangaroos went berserk!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I'd like to think that there was just some guy in the lift,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47going, "Oh, my God!"
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Also, some opening nights of plays have been disastrous.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55So, Balzac wrote a play called Les Ressources De Quinola,
0:11:55 > 0:12:00and it opened to a completely empty house on March 19th 1842.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02So he had hoped to create a buzz about the play
0:12:02 > 0:12:06and he told everybody that the tickets were sold out,
0:12:06 > 0:12:07it was impossible to get a ticket.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Oh, no!- So nobody bothered.- Oh, no!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Yeah. Nobody came. - Did they do the play?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Well, the Equity rule is you don't have to do the play
0:12:14 > 0:12:17if there are fewer members of the audience than there are in the play,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- so whether it was... - That's true.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Once, I was doing a gig at Willesden Library Centre...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Bill Bailey was there in The Rubber Bishops.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29So there was the two of them, I think Bob Mills, me,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32someone else and then there were seven people in the audience.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33So we're thinking,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"Oh, shit, there's more of them than there are of us."
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And then this couple came over to us and said,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"Would it help if we left?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45And we said, "As a matter of fact, technically, it would."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48So they left and we didn't have to do the gig!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50That's great.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54So, when Disneyland opened, the very first Disneyland in California,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58July 17th 1955, it's known as Black Sunday, because so much went wrong.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02The first thing was there were 15,000 gate-crashers.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Apparently, it was incredibly easy to counterfeit the tickets,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07plus somebody got a ladder to the parking lot
0:13:07 > 0:13:10and people could pay 5 to climb over the hedge.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13The asphalt had been poured at 6.00 that morning,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16so all the guests' shoes got stuck in it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19There was a circus parade in which a tiger and a panther broke loose
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- and had a fight.- I mean, if they're going to break loose,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- at least they've cancelled each other out.- Yes.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Yeah, lucky there were two of them out.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Not the tiger looking for a fight.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"Release the panther! The tiger's already out!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36There was a plumbers' strike and so they had to choose
0:13:36 > 0:13:39between drinking fountains and flushing toilets.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Definitely flushing toilets. - Yeah!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43If I go to someone's house, "Have you got a toilet?"
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"No, but I've got a drinking fountain."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48There's a drinking fountain,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50but Susan Calman's sitting on it at the moment.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Now, I'm open to a bit of artistic paper folding.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Of course, the art of making folded paper models
0:14:00 > 0:14:01without cutting the paper comes from...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Japan.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05KLAXON
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- No.- I forgot about that bit!- Yes!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It does not come from Japan.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"Ori" means folding and "kami" means paper,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17so the word "origami" comes from Japan, that is correct.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19But Japanese paper folding was done with white paper which was
0:14:19 > 0:14:22both folded and cut.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25The modern version, in which we only fold and we don't cut it,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27often done with the coloured paper on one side
0:14:27 > 0:14:28and the white paper on the other side,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31it's actually imported from German kindergartens into Japan,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33after Japan opened its borders in 1860.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37So the answer is that origami, as we now understand it, is German.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Is anybody good at origami?- I did that thing...- Oh, yeah, that one.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43The only thing I've done is that thing where it goes,
0:14:43 > 0:14:44"Pick a number, Josh."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Oh...- Three. - SUSAN MUMBLES
0:14:46 > 0:14:47- "Pick a colour." - Red.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48SUSAN MUMBLES
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"He fancies you!" That's all I've done.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52How is it so accurate?!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- But I've got some very good ones for you, so, Josh, you can have...- Oh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- A frog. - ..a little jumping frog.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit. There's a jack rabbit for you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- And, Susan, you've got an elephant. - Oh!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- And, Alan, what's this? - That's a blue whale.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16KLAXON
0:15:16 > 0:15:18APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- No, THIS is a blue whale. - Oh, of course.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29All these years, still don't recognise it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31There you are, there's your blue whale.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34A friend of mine is brilliant at origami and he made...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36This is a little badge.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It is a 1 bill which he has made into a badge for me.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Isn't it lovely?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- And that is without any cutting, it's all folded and beautiful.- Wow!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Josh, your frog is rather marvellous.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47If you press the back of it, it will... Yes.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Well, be less violent with it. - Oh, sorry.- It will jump.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Be gentle, like you're touching a woman.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Let me show you. Let me show you, darling.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I've never wanted someone to fail so much at anything!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Right, so, let's put our origami away, please.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Still playing.- My rabbit, look out for the car!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15ASTONISHED LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Right. I've got oysters, ox horns, wood
0:16:23 > 0:16:25and the walrus penis.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26What are my plans?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30That's like those old ads in Loot. "I've got...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"oysters...ox horns, wood,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"and a walrus penis.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38"No time wasters, please.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"It's a set, I can't break it up."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Sometimes I watch Nigella Lawson and she always goes,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"I went to my pantry to make some supper
0:16:52 > 0:16:56"and I had what everyone has, which is some oysters, some oxtails,
0:16:56 > 0:16:57"some wood and a walrus penis.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"I'm going to make myself a frittata."
0:17:02 > 0:17:03It's like she's in the room!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08The answer is that all of those materials
0:17:08 > 0:17:10can be used to make windows.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Can you imagine making windows out of penises?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Well, let's start with the oyster.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17The windowpane oyster is found in the Philippines,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and the shells, look at those beautiful windows,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24the stuff in between the wood there is windowpane oyster.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28The shell lets 80% of the incident light through
0:17:28 > 0:17:29and it's been used for thousands of years.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33It's also incredibly strong. Despite being 99% calcite,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36which is a really brittle mineral, it can withstand multiple blows
0:17:36 > 0:17:39because of the way the material is structured. And it may have
0:17:39 > 0:17:41some uses for the military. They may even have a look at
0:17:41 > 0:17:43windowpane oysters for visors you can see through,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46but are also bulletproof. You wouldn't think that from an oyster...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Isn't it beautiful?- It's a pity
0:17:48 > 0:17:50they put those two big pillars in front of it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Wood, you can have see-through wood. It's being developed. Much stronger
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and more insulating than glass, so we're not really
0:17:57 > 0:18:00interested in the leaves, but to show how much you can see through,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03what you do is you boil the wood in water, sodium hydroxide
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and other chemicals to remove the lignin,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07so that's the bit that gives wood its colour.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10And then epoxy resin is poured over it to make it stronger.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11- But look how much you can see through.- Wow.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Cow horn, used for windows in medieval times.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17So, all of that stuff between is cow horn, and it becomes translucent
0:18:17 > 0:18:21if you soak it in water for three months, then it becomes malleable.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Now, the walrus penis, and who hasn't wanted to think,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- "What am I going to do with...?" - "Make a sofa out of the walrus."
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Yes, historically used in the construction of Arctic dwellings.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32It's stretched over window openings. The bit... I don't know how to
0:18:32 > 0:18:34say this, it's a bit like clingfilm, really.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- It stretches out?- Well, it depends how excited the walrus is, really.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Yes, it's a stretchy thing,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44and you can stretch it out and use it a bit like clingfilm.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- So, it'd be the skin of the penis and not the...the...the...- Penis.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- I don't know...- Doesn't feel good in your mouth, does it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04So, the walrus has to stand outside your window
0:19:04 > 0:19:07for the rest of its life, with its cock stretched out?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13A really annoyed walrus.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- "How did I get this gig?" - "I'm not getting paid enough."
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now, for a question on job openings.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26What will be the first occupation done exclusively by robots?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Oh, I hope it's not people on panel shows, otherwise...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- I would think something like surgery.- OK. Which kind of surgery?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Keyhole heart surgery maybe, something like that,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41or brain surgery, where they can be incredibly precise.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- So, I need you to go to the other end.- It would be anal surgery.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Wiping arses.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51You have to try and imagine that you are training to be a proctologist
0:19:51 > 0:19:56and you need to, at some point, have a look inside a rectum,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58that's going to be your basic training.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Until recently, the UK has had only one registered
0:20:03 > 0:20:07rectal teaching assistant, who travels around the country,
0:20:07 > 0:20:13visiting medical schools offering up his rectum to students.
0:20:13 > 0:20:19- Oh, no, Sandi.- Oh, yes. - But somebody says, "I'll do it!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Yeah, "Leave that with me." So, there are some problems with this.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You'd definitely make up what you did for a living, wouldn't you?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29There are a few problems with this. First of all, the strain of training
0:20:29 > 0:20:33an entire country of doctors with one rectum, I think...is pressing.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And then the problem with using a real person is that the professor
0:20:36 > 0:20:39who is teaching you, can't really tell
0:20:39 > 0:20:42if you're doing it properly because they can't see what you're doing.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Sorry, can I just...?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- Sorry. For the profession of proctologist...- Yes.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53- ..everyone in the country...- Yeah. - ..is using the same person?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- You can see the problem with this, can't you?- So...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59you apply for it or does it...?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Well, they only got one applicant.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It's been a problem, so Imperial College
0:21:05 > 0:21:07have come up with a robotic rectum.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So, this guy can go home and sit down.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11There are tiny robotic arms that apply pressure
0:21:11 > 0:21:14to the silicon rectal passage. SUSAN SQUIRMS
0:21:14 > 0:21:18And then the hardware can be changed to different levels of difficulty.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You can change the size and shape of the rectum...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23..you can change the prostate.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Eventually, you get to a boss fight at the end.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And each one of these arse holes costs £25,000.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37So, once the current rectal teaching assistant retires, we will go from
0:21:37 > 0:21:40a workforce of one to a workforce of none, and there will be just robots.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43My arse definitely needs a good looking at.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47CONSTERNATED LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I've been wondering what to give as a prize this evening.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00The UK's a rectal trailblazer in more ways than one.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02People who have rectums that no longer function
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- can be fitted with a bionic rectum. - Oh, yeah!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09They can fire out their shit over 40 feet!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Or they just pull their pants down and launch themselves up.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You know, like, Steve Austin, they can get on the roofs of buildings.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE
0:22:24 > 0:22:27So, was the 6 million man technically a robot?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Well, depends how much percentage... - He was a cyborg.- Cyborg, yeah.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- What's the difference?- Depends on how much of you is a robot
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and how much of you is still a human being.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- RICH:- So, what about Robbie Williams?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39- What about him?- Cyborg or robot?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44That's a game we could play for a very long time.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I'm going to carry on with my bionic rectum if it kills me.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I hope someone's just tuned in at that point.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Anyway, if you take a muscle from the inside of a leg
0:22:56 > 0:22:57and you wrap it around the anus,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00and then you hook it up to the device with electrodes that makes
0:23:00 > 0:23:02the muscle contract or relax with an electric signal,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04so, basically, you activate it by remote control.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06The only thing I think is if you have a bionic rectum,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08keep hold of the controls. Don't let the...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Don't let the children...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Imagine the panic when you've lost that remote down the sofa.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Anyway, we salute the passage of the UK's only rectal teaching
0:23:22 > 0:23:26assistant and welcome our new robot bottom overlords.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Now, it's time to open the floodgates to general ignorance.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Fingers on buzzers. When's the best time to rob a bank?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yes, Susan?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Thursday morning.- Why?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44It's when I'm most free and...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I think I can fit you in around ten
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and then I've got coffee with Sandi Toksvig.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- RICH:- Ski season because everybody would have a ski mask on.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- There would be a lot more suspects. - Yes.- Alan, do you want
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- to give it a go?- Well, it's either when it's open
0:24:03 > 0:24:05or when it's closed...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07KLAXON
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Bless you. Here's the thing,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14you cannot rob a bank when nobody's there.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Why is that? - No-one's going to open anything.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19No, a robbery's when you steal something by threatening somebody.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23So, if you steal from somewhere and nobody sees you, you know this,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- you're lawyer, it's a burglary. - Yeah.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29So, the Hatton Garden heist was actually a burglary not a robbery.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- I also like a Friday about four o'clock.- Right.- I think
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- the best time to do anything...- Is Friday at four?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Is Friday about four o'clock. - RICH:- How are you going to get
0:24:38 > 0:24:40in the safe? You can't even get into a train toilet.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:48She could get in the safe, then it would shut her in again.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57So, the only time you can rob a bank is when there's somebody there.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00What colour is the pigment in this person's eyes?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Yes, Josh?- Mauve.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Mauve is a very good colour that we hadn't thought of, so...
0:25:13 > 0:25:15APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I'm going to give you a point for your colour knowledge
0:25:23 > 0:25:24but not because it's correct.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- OK.- Obviously, it's a bluey-green colour, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29KLAXON
0:25:33 > 0:25:36So, everybody has melanin in the iris of their eye
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and all melanin is dark brown in colour.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43The thing is that people with blue eyes have less melanin
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and people with brown eyes have more.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49This is called the Tyndall effect. So, melanin absorbs light.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52If you have less of it, so you have blue eyes, that means that the
0:25:52 > 0:25:57light is not absorbed and, instead, some of the light is reflected back.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00So, people with blue eyes are reflecting back more light.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03So, people with dark brown eyes, are they better, then?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You just checked my eyes before you said that!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12You looked at me and thought, "I'm going to win this one!"
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Anyway, to finish off, let's go right back to the origin of man.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17What is happening in this diagram?
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- RICH:- If you reverse that, it's the story of Alabama.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Very good. What do we think it is? - Well, it's not right, is it?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Why is it not right?- We didn't evolve from monkeys in that way.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36There are various branches of the tree of evolution, aren't there?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Yeah, the diagram's originally called The Road To Homo Sapiens.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It was done by an illustrator called Rudolph Zallinger
0:26:41 > 0:26:43and it was to illustrate a book called Early Man.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Remember those Time-Life Books that were incredibly popular?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's most famously known nowadays as the March Of Progress,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52but all of these things are incredibly misleading
0:26:52 > 0:26:54because the road from early primates
0:26:54 > 0:26:57to humans cannot be shown in such a neat diagram.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So, the first four figures there are in fact offshoots
0:27:00 > 0:27:03to the road to Homo sapiens. They aren't ancestors of us at all.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06The original drawing had 15 figures in it, and there they are.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Slightly better. Again, it's got some blind alleys in it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Species that died out or didn't evolve into modern humans at all.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15And the author said it was not supposed to imply
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- that one led to the other. - But it clearly does.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19What you need in the middle
0:27:19 > 0:27:22are the four Beatles crossing the zebra crossing.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27What is, in terms of human evolution,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30what is the biggest problem with this particular picture?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Is it the guy second from the left? He's the best one.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36He's spoiling for a fight. Look at him!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38So, this is a picture of the whole of human evolution.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- There's no women. - There's no bloody women in it!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44There we are, you're absolutely right.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It's like watching an episode of Mock The Week.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Which brings us to the open and shut case of the scores.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And in fourth place, well, it's magnificent,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01with -25, it's Alan!
0:28:01 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08In third place, with -8 points, it's Josh!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I'll take -8.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16In second place, with three points, it's Rich!
0:28:16 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22And tonight's winner, with a magnificent nine points, it's Susan!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:34So, thank you to Susan, Josh, Rich and Alan,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38and I leave you with advice that Professor Walter Kotschnig
0:28:38 > 0:28:42once gave his students at Holyoke College. "Keep an open mind,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"but not so open that your brains fall out." Thank you and goodnight.