0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42where tonight, we are ogling an odditorium of objects and ornaments.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Let's meet some ornaments to their profession.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The opulent Sarah Millican.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The oratorical Alice Levine.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And, objection! Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And their ornamental noises are from priceless objects
0:01:14 > 0:01:18kindly lent to us by the Victoria and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20GLASS WIND CHIMES RING
0:01:21 > 0:01:24That's nice, pretty, isn't it? Cariad goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Lovely. Alice goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And Alan goes...
0:01:41 > 0:01:42TAPPING ON GLASS
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Don't touch the exhibit, sir!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45RUMBLING
0:01:45 > 0:01:47GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, that's horribly familiar, that.
0:01:51 > 0:01:57Right, top question, where are you most likely to come across a UFO?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59GLASS WIND CHIMES Yes? Millican?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01In the sky?
0:02:01 > 0:02:02KLAXON
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Anybody else?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes?- Reading.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Not much happens in Reading, so...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Don't you think they'd want to go somewhere where
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- the stuff is happening? - No, because they want to be secret.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The whole of Reading could be aliens, you wouldn't even know.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Why do they want to be secret?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25This big assumption that they come here all this way
0:02:25 > 0:02:26- and then just hide.- That's true.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Somebody knows a lot about them, don't they?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Near airports, because they always look like planes, weirdly.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Yes, that is quite a strange thing, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They do look like planes. And the answer is the ocean.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38The most common and most dangerous UFOs are
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Unidentified Floating Objects.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43These are pieces of lost cargo and they lie along the shipping
0:02:43 > 0:02:47routes, just under the surface, and they can damage ships tremendously.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Between 2008-2013,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51an average of about 1,700 shipping containers were lost at sea.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Look at this picture!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That is seriously bad packing, isn't it? That's...
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Surely not in one go?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Well, about half of those 1,700
0:02:59 > 0:03:02came from a single ship, the MOL Comfort.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05The ship actually broke in half and all the containers went into the sea.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- But that's fair enough then. - Yeah.- That wasn't careless, was it?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10No. No.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Some of the strange stuff that has washed up in the sea,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man - my people...- What?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- ..washed up on Brighton beach. - Aw!- That's amazing.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22The really extraordinary thing is,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I've been trying to find out what happened to it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25It just swam off.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31If anybody knows, please could you let me know.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I want to know where the Brighton Lego man is.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'd like to come and say hello.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Why is it never a Lego woman that's washed up?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Because the Lego woman wasn't beach-ready.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:47So...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53February 2017, £50 million worth of cocaine washed up
0:03:53 > 0:03:56on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't know where that is either.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58SNIFFS
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There is a National UFO Reporting Centre, which is
0:04:01 > 0:04:04the UFOs that we normally think of, the Unidentified Flying Objects.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It was started by a man called Robert Gribble,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09who's a fireman from Seattle and he collects UFO sightings.
0:04:09 > 0:04:15And since 1905, there have been 105,000 reports of alien sightings.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17A tenth of those have been here, in the UK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20But the photos are never on a camera that's more than one megapixel.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Yeah.- It's always conveniently grainy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- A little bit fuzzy.- Yeah.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Anybody know the best place in the UK to see a UFO?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes, Reading!- Reading!- No.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- I think there's some near us. - Do you?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Because my dog barks at all other dogs,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35but no people, apart from one family near us.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And whenever they walk past, we just,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42we look at, my husband and I go, "Lizard people."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And I know that they're walking past going, "He knows."
0:04:47 > 0:04:48- Norfolk.- No, it's not,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50it's Scotland, it's Bonnybridge in Scotland.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Oh, yeah, yeah.- It's the place where you are most likely.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- I don't know why.- Is that one of them? Is that guy an alien?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58This is a man called Billy Buchanan, he's a councillor in Bonnybridge.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03I'm not sure why he photo-bombed our shot of the sign.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06They have 300 sightings a year, roughly, in Bonnybridge.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- Is it all by one man?- "I've seen another one, and another one."
0:05:11 > 0:05:12He has 65 days off a year.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17It's also known as the Falkirk Triangle.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21The fact is that Bonnybridge is under three flight paths,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23including those for Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And just, it's your point there, Alice, isn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27I mean, just saying.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30But the place in America that you would most likely find a UFO
0:05:30 > 0:05:33is Roswell, is the place that everybody thinks about them.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36So these are the street lamps in Roswell, aren't they great?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Well, you're not helping matters, are you?- No, not really.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Every night at around 7pm, they come out.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I wondered if I could interest you in an insurance policy
0:05:45 > 0:05:46against alien abduction?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49How much is it?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Well, for about £120 a year,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I can protect you against alien impregnation.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59What if I was on the pill?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Or 41, you know.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Well, men are also able to purchase impregnation insurance of this kind,
0:06:05 > 0:06:10for protection against the unknown capabilities of alien technology.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So your pill, not really going to be anywhere.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- So far, more than 30,000 of these policies have been sold.- No!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I love these insurance policies.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23In 2000, there were three sisters from Inverness who insured
0:06:23 > 0:06:26themselves against the possibility of miraculously conceiving
0:06:26 > 0:06:28and raising the second Christ.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- I hate it when that happens. - Hate it when that happens, yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Right - you wake up covered in orange paint,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39there's confetti everywhere
0:06:39 > 0:06:40and you smell of smoke.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What the heck happened?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Thaaat's Tuesday!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Now, can anybody, first of all, spot whose face that is, in the picture?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- We've Photoshopped...- Cariad. - It's Cariad's face.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54How do you not recognise your own face?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Yeah, I mean, no...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So, as a man, sexily posing with spots all over
0:06:58 > 0:07:02his body and an orange haze, I wasn't instantly sure it was me.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- I was!- Sandi, tell me, what is it?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07They are all methods...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I would need to take more clothes off, but I'm not going to,
0:07:13 > 0:07:14unlike the picture.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Those are all methods of dealing with offenders.- What?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So, anybody waking up with those has probably committed a crime,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23is the truth of it. Take the orange paintballs,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26they're for shop staff in Japan to throw at offenders.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28They are the size of a tennis ball
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and they are known as "bohan yu kara boru" -
0:07:31 > 0:07:32anti-crime colour balls.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And the idea, if somebody's committing a crime,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38you throw it at them, and then they are marked and easier to track.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39You have to be good at throwing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Well, this is the main problem with them.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- You might hit the wrong person. - Yeah.- Yeah, God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So, they are widely distributed,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and under moments of stress, staff either tend to forget they...
0:07:54 > 0:07:56..the staff tend to forget they've got them...
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- You have no reflexes at all.- No.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Cariad's reflex is just to go into the position in the photo.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06And people forget they've got them or they freeze,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09or they see that the robber is armed and think,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"That paintball thing, not going to go so well."
0:08:11 > 0:08:14They have signs in the shops where they've got the orange paintballs,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17that does seem to put some people off from robbing them, but...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18That's what they do in Poundland.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21They have a picture of a policeman in the window, because
0:08:21 > 0:08:24if they put a picture of a policeman in the window, people shoplift less.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Do they?- Yeah.- So they could put a picture of the balls in the window.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28That's all they need.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Do you feel like you should say something though,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32when you throw it, you should be like, "No!"
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Yeah, like, "Stop!- "Don't!" - "Stop it."- Yeah.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- "Bad."- "I've seen you." - I quite like that with a robber,
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- "Stop it."- "Stop it!"
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Do you know, I was on a train once,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and there were some boys who'd had a sherry too many, and they were being
0:08:43 > 0:08:47very vulgar and loud and frightening some people over on the other side.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And I suddenly stood up and I went, "That will do!"
0:08:53 > 0:08:55APPLAUSE
0:08:58 > 0:09:00They said sorry.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Smoke machines, used in some stores in the UK, they set them off
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and it obscures the view of any stuff in the shop, whatsoever.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And makes it like an '80s music video.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"So, we're really mad that you're robbing us, but..."
0:09:13 > 0:09:15# Whooooaaa... #
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And confetti is another safety mechanism.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19When you fire a Taser gun, apparently,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21it also releases a tiny amount of confetti.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Oh, how lovely.- Well, you know, kind of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice."
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"My heart's stopped! Aaaah."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31If you look in the middle picture, you can just see little bits,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- tiny, coloured bits of confetti. - Has somebody literally thought,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz it up when they get tasered."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's supposed to deter people using Tasers to commit crimes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43In order to get a Taser, you have to register it with the company,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and then you get a specific number, that number's on the confetti
0:09:45 > 0:09:47to make sure that bad people don't use them.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You know what they could have done instead?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52when I got married, people threw confetti, which was lovely,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers, but some people threw rice,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58and I don't know if you know this, but rice really hurts.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's like being pelted with grit.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03So, anyway -
0:10:03 > 0:10:07what was Lord Montagu's secretary doing on the bonnet of his car?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Wow!- Hmm.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I don't know, but she called a lot of people before she did it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It must have been a warm day.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Was she a cog in the patriarchy, but she was getting paid for it,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20so in a way it was OK, because of the time?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24It's possible I love you, Cariad.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Er, no.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28He was Lord Montagu of...?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Beaulieu.- Lord Montagu of Beaulieu. Was is Beaulieu famous for?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Motor Museum.- Motor Museum. So cars, we're talking about cars.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39This is a bit like how they used to entice you to buy lots of things.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Like washing machines, you're like, "Do I want a washing machine?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it! I now want that washing machine."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He was particularly associated with one motorcar.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- A British-made one?- Yes, beautiful, amazing...- A Bentley?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- No, possibly, I think, the... - A Ford Ka.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58The most beautiful car of all time.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Rolls-Royce?- Rolls-Royce! - Rolls-Royce, absolutely right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Oh, was she the lady? - Yes, the iconic figure.- Ah!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07The Spirit of Ecstasy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Eleanor Thornton, she was the secretary to
0:11:10 > 0:11:14John Walter Douglas-Scott, Montagu, second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15A motoring pioneer.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And he commissioned a figure as a personal mascot
0:11:18 > 0:11:21on the front of the 1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22It was called The Whisper.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And so the original one was like that,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28because, allegedly, it was a secret love affair that they were having.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31It's not that secret if you've put it on the front of all the cars.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Was his wife like, "Oh, right, I see,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"so you based that on your secretary, but nothing's going on?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40To be fair, you wouldn't necessarily know who that was.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42You'd be like, "Does he work with anyone with one eye,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"a moustache, a crew cut
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"and one mono-boob?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"His secretary!"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Over the years, people have put lots of ornaments and the choice
0:11:52 > 0:11:55is not always suitable for the sort of things that people have had.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56So there's been...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- Oh, my God.- So that's why they standardised it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02The Whisper became the Spirit of Ecstasy,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04because they didn't want people doing that kind of thing.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07The DVLA has a banned list of licence plates that runs
0:12:07 > 0:12:11to 46 pages, things that you may not have as your licence.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Bollocks.- Well, kind of.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16So, this one is supposed to be rude
0:12:16 > 0:12:18if you read it in your rear view mirror.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20So can anybody work it out?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Oral...- I nearly just did that!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I haven't got a mirror with me.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex. Anyway, it's banned, it's banned.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Banned! Banned!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"Ban! Possible humour, banned!"
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"Possible smiling, banned!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"No smiling on the road, banned!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Do not think of sex! Banned!
0:12:43 > 0:12:44"Stop it, stop it!"
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- See if you can work out these other ones?- "Filth!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Top left?- Doggers.- Doggers.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Doggers. "Banned! Banned! No intercourse."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Heroin?- Heroin.- Oh, scrotum. - Scrotum.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- SARAH:- Oh, scrotum. - "How dare you! I feel sick!"
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- What's the bottom one?- Alcohol.- Oh.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Banned! No!"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's fair enough to ban alcohol.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I love that Sarah just went, "Oh, scrotum, are these available ones?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09"I'll just..."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- In America, you can buy these, OK? - Oh, Sandi.- I know.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Do you know how to handle them? - Hang on a second...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Hang on a minute.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I've totally got this. "Cough."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24When you said cough, did you just breathe in a little,
0:13:24 > 0:13:25have a little sniff?
0:13:25 > 0:13:30- She did, she went, "Cough," and then she went, "Wahey!"- Hey!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33This is a sight you will see nowhere else in the world.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Alan, is that normal size?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Well, they're a little small.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41- They're called...- Jesus!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44They're called truck nuts.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Wow! - And they are genitals for your car.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- Do you know what, I'm all right thanks.- Oh, come on. "Banned!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Well, they have been banned in some states.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Have they? Truck nuts? What, you hang them on your truck?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Yes, look, there. See the picture.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03What's wrong with that?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Right, moving on.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Describe the world's best-dressed crab.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16I'm going to say a little bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18and then just, yeah, served with, like, brown bread, probably.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- That does sound delicious. - Sounds good, doesn't it?- Yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- But I'm actually talking about a live crab.- You didn't say that.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26No, I didn't. I should be clearer.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- A lot of the things you've said tonight have been ambiguous.- Yes.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- And that's difficult for me. - Welcome to the show.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Is it in a shell suit?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I'm proud to be your friend.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No. There's something called a dresser crab,
0:14:45 > 0:14:46or indeed the decorator crab.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50And what it does is it gathers material from all around itself
0:14:50 > 0:14:52in order to blend in with the surroundings.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54So it's basically making camouflage clothing.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57They cover their shells in seaweed, in sponge and pearls,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00chewing on the material in order to make it fibrous,
0:15:00 > 0:15:01and then it attaches it to itself.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro bits on its claws and legs.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I love this one, it's seriously getting dressed-up.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11That's Cardiff on a Saturday night, that is.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13That's proper getting ready.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16And they're found off the coast of Australia. They're tiny.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Just over 1.5 inches.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And sometimes what they do is they put noxious stuff on them
0:15:19 > 0:15:22to ward off predators. It's called aposematism.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23It's called Lynx.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Other sprays are available.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32But there are lots of what we call augmented animals,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34so, animals who make themselves look a bit different.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.- What?!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Oh, my God.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46That is hoarding gone mad.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton
0:15:50 > 0:15:53and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and as a false target for any would-be predators.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Found in Australia and New Zealand. Isn't it wonderful?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- That's incredible. - He doesn't even need that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Look how much you'd remember him anyway.- Yeah.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"You know the one, do you remember the guy,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"you met him last week, he had five heads on his, five heads as a hat."
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Five-Head Gary, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20There's another one which is a beetle that lives
0:16:20 > 0:16:22in the Costa Rican rainforest.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24It's called Nymphister kronaueri
0:16:24 > 0:16:27and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30So, that looks like it's just an ant,
0:16:30 > 0:16:31but the bit that is a protrusion,
0:16:31 > 0:16:35as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And what it does is, it bites onto the ant
0:16:37 > 0:16:42and then it rides around disguised as an army ant's bottom.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- What a life.- We've all done it. - What a life, I know.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Do you think the ant knows what's happening,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52why it's got an extra bum?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God, the piles are back?"
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- It'd keep going like that, wouldn't it?- "What the hell is that?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"There's something... I'm sure there's something..."
0:17:04 > 0:17:05And the beetle's like that.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10"Oh, no, no.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11"You never see me."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- And every now and then it goes... - HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"I can hear something, I can hear something."
0:17:19 > 0:17:22But then the ant will shit in its face.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23"Ugh, you ruined it!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"You were behind me, you cheeky beetle!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:28All the other ants are going,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"You haven't put on any weight, you look fine."
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Then the five-head caterpillar goes,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse."
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"Shut up!" "He's hanging onto his arse."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"Well, he can't possibly be living down there."
0:17:40 > 0:17:41"He is, he's on his arse!"
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."
0:17:46 > 0:17:47"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Yes, I can see it from here."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Swap places, swap places." "All right."
0:17:53 > 0:17:56"Oh, there is, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57"Go and have a look." "All right."
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Something like that.- I like that they're all from the same animal,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17but they're all from different regions, different places.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Isn't there a thing - you can have your bottom made bigger?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Can you do that? - Bottom implants, yeah.- Can you?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I just eat more.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26How do you guarantee that it goes to the bottom?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- You just sit a lot.- OK.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Now, what is the lady at the back of this picture saying?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36"What's going on?"
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Has she got a mask on? - She has got a mask on.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Is she wondering how she's keeping her mask on?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Because I can't see any elastic.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46That is exactly the question. So, these are black velvet masks.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49We haven't got black velvet ones, but we have got masks for you.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51They were worn in the 16th century, and the way you kept them on,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54there's a sort of a bead, but we've done a button for you there.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56And you put that in your mouth.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59If anyone turns on now, this is like an episode of Black Mirror.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03So the answer is, she's not saying anything, because she's using...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- MUFFLED:- Because she's got a button in her mouth.- Sorry, what?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- She's got a button... - MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button in her mouth.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Is exactly right.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13She's saying, "I'm not marrying a hippo."
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Why...?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26The glasses are a triumph, if I may say so.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I have a re-occurring nightmare and it's this. This, right here.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Why might she be wearing it? What's the reason?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Is it scars from horrible sexually transmitted diseases?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37She's proving how rich she is. So how is she doing that?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Oh, to keep her skin so white?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I was going to say, she looks almost as pale as me.- Yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43So, the idea is to avoid sunburn.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45The most complete example that we have of one of these
0:19:45 > 0:19:48is the Daventry Mask, which was discovered - there it is -
0:19:48 > 0:19:50in Northamptonshire, found inside a wall while they were
0:19:50 > 0:19:53renovating a 16th-century building. And the idea is...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56They've spent about five seconds making that, haven't they?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03"You'd be better off not going out!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:09The lady in our painting is actually wearing something called
0:20:09 > 0:20:11a moretta muta, it was a Venetian variation on the mask.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Does anybody know what this painting is?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It's a wonderful painting of Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18This is a sort of sad story,
0:20:18 > 0:20:2017 years, she was toured round Europe, and of course it was
0:20:20 > 0:20:23an extraordinary thing, nobody had ever seen rhinoceroses.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25They've just taken the horn off, is that what they've done?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Well, as far as we know, the year before she was displayed in
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Venice, she had rubbed the horn off in Rome, where she was on display.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34So, clearly, an animal in some distress. And she eventually...
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Whenever I'm in distress, I rub a horn. Always. Yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Eventually, she came to Britain. In fact, she died in Lambeth,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43at the Horse and Groom pub, where she was being shown for sixpence.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45We've all died at the Horse and Groom.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Now, where would you find these ornaments?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES - Oh.- Yes?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55- That is an orchid.- It is.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57That's genuinely called something like the...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Oh, like, the hanging willy man, or something.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- It's called the orchis italica. - Oh, OK!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05"Ha-ha-ha! The orchis italica!"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's known amongst gardeners as, like, the naked man, isn't it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It is called the naked man orchid, is its nickname. - People who can't do Latin, like.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- FARMER VOICE:- "My naked man's come up lovely this year."
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"I've got 16 naked men in my garden."
0:21:21 > 0:21:25"I've been giving a lot of attention to my naked man."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Which is funny, because the orchid is named after the female genitalia.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30That's where the Latin comes from.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I think the orchid's name means testicles.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You've got your genitalia round the wrong way, which...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- That could explain a lot. - I can help you with that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44But orchids come in the most wonderful shapes.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47There's one shaped like the laughing bumblebee, on the left there.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Wow.- The other one is the swaddled baby.- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53And then the one on the right, it's a birthwort flower.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Do you not think it looks a bit like Darth Vader?- Yes.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57That's an STI.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"I'm not going to come in,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"I'm just going to send you a photograph of it."
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"I can't get any clothes on with this thing.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11"Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?"
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It is known as Dutchman's pipe, is its nickname.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh! You do not want one of those.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And apparently it stinks, it smells of rotting flesh.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- No, orchid means testicles, because in...- Sorry, I got my...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25No, it's all right. In middle English it was called Bollockwort.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The next time you're backstage with somebody and a marvellous orchid
0:22:28 > 0:22:30has been delivered, you go, "Oh, nice bollockwort."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I think we should bring that back.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Bollockwort is much better than orchids.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I've got two lovely bollockworts, actually, on my windowsill.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Good for you.- Hmm.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42One of the UK's rarest plants is an orchid,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45it's a beautiful thing called the ghost orchid.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47It was first discovered in Britain in 1845,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50and isn't it delicate and amazing?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51I like the one with the cock more.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55What I like about you, Sarah, is you're reliable.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Now, the object of the game is to avoid the klaxons,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04as we play General Ignorance.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So, fingers on buzzers, please.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10What would a medieval knight call this?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Chain mail.- Chain mail. KLAXON
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- No, it's just mail.- Oh.- I know.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Is that like saying PIN number?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Yes, it is what's called a Victorian pleonasm.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27It's when you use many more words to explain something than
0:23:27 > 0:23:29is necessary, you don't really need that many words.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Isn't that QI?- It is QI, yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35In Lord Of The Rings, you know they had all that chain mail?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37So, it took seven years to film the Lord Of The Rings films,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41and there was a man whose only job was to slice a thin plastic tube
0:23:41 > 0:23:44every single day, and in that plastic tube he made the chain mail.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And on the special features of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings -
0:23:46 > 0:23:48it's, like, 40 hours, you can watch it...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Wow! We're lucky you're here tonight.- Yeah, I know.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54And this man, they said to him at the end, "So, you've been doing this for seven years."
0:23:54 > 0:23:58He went, "I wouldn't take back a day, it's been the best experience of my whole entire life."
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- But what's it for? - To make fake chain mail,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02they couldn't give them real, because it's too heavy.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04So they made it out of plastic and sprayed it silver.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- So, why are they remaking it every day?- Cos there were so many extras,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10there was so much to make, they had to constantly make it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Had everyone thrown it away at the end of the day?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13No, it's plastic, so it just kept breaking.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17And also, Viggo Mortensen probably was, like, really living it, because he was so...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:27Moving on, medieval battles were full of mail-on-mail action.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28AUDIENCE GROANS
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Working me arse off here, people.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37What would you have seen tumbling across the prairie
0:24:37 > 0:24:40after George Washington made a terrible joke?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42ALICE GROANS
0:24:42 > 0:24:44MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Tumbleweed... - KLAXON
0:24:49 > 0:24:52The answer is, we don't know whether he ever made a joke,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55is the truth of it. But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57because during his lifetime there was...?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- No tumbleweed?- No tumbleweed.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04It's native to Russia, not to the USA, and it arrived in the USA
0:25:04 > 0:25:07long after he had passed away, in the late 19th century.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11It was accidentally imported in shipments of flax seed from Russia.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Although when you drive now, you do see it just like that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18And a single tumbleweed can become the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21They can bury houses, they can fuel forest fires,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- I mean it is fearful stuff. - Oh, my God!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up to 250,000 per plant.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30So it keeps perpetuating itself.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35And in 2016, there's a rural city in Australia called Wangaratta,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and they were hit by a type of tumbleweed called hairy panic.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- That could be your wrestling name, Sandi.- Yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49"Here she comes, all the way from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"She's small, but she's fierce!"
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Right, does anybody fancy a cup of tea?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Yes.- Tea all round? - Yes, please. Yes.- Ooh, yes.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Yes, I feel there's not enough tea breaks.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- So what I'm going to do, I'm going to...- Do you have any herbal?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Jesus Christ.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07No, I haven't.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Right, anybody know, to the nearest 100ml,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15how much water did it take to make this tea?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- To make the whole pot?- To make the cup of tea I'm giving you.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So one cup of tea, I'm going to... I've given you a little bit of milk.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And everybody gets two sugars, you don't have to use them, but I'm...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27So, that's what I'm asking. There's a cup of tea.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Tea, Cariad?- Thanks, darling. - Thanks.- Do you want sugar?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- Do you guys want sugar? - That's piss weak, Sandi.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I didn't actually... I didn't make the tea.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I have people for that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40To the nearest 100ml?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- 300.- 300! KLAXON
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Do you mean to the cup or in the flask?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yes, so one cup, to the nearest 100ml,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- how much water did it take to make the tea?- 200.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55KLAXON
0:26:55 > 0:26:56- I sense a pattern here.- Any more?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- 100?- 100! KLAXON
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Ten litres.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Ten... You're getting closer.- Oh?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Yes. The answer is 52,000ml.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Oh, to grow the tea plants? - That's why it's so weak.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- That wasn't the question! - It was, to make this...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I'm trying to work out how much that is.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Yes, but it's QI.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, I forgot what programme I was on!
0:27:21 > 0:27:2552 litres of water, roughly, go into white tea with two sugars.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26So we'll see how it breaks down.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Around 30 litres to make the amount of tea in a single tea bag.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Ten litres to make the dash of milk.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35And six litres needed for every teaspoon of sugar.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So, 60 billion cups of tea consumed in Britain every year.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43So that gives us a footprint of 3,000 billion litres of water.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45That's about ten times the volume of water in Lake Windermere
0:27:45 > 0:27:47that is needed to make the tea for Britain.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Imagine making Lake Windermere into a giant cup of tea.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Now that you have dodged that round, let's take a look at the scores.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58And in fourth place, with a magnificent -34, it's Alan.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:06In third place, with a very creditable -29, Sarah.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:11In second place, and considering it's her first show,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13what an incredible score, -18, Alice.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:21And, finally, in first place, with four points, Cariad!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:33Tonight's prize, Cariad, obviously...
0:28:33 > 0:28:36This lovely pair of truck nuts. There you are, congratulations.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Thank you, thank you.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:45It only remains for me to thank Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48and you've all been so great it's practically criminal, so let's
0:28:48 > 0:28:52break out my favourite object - confetti cannons. There we are.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Ready? Steady, fire!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00CHEERING
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Good night.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04APPLAUSE