0:00:32 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Tonight's show is an other-worldly odyssey
0:00:39 > 0:00:41through the mysterious occult.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Please offer up oblations to the Prince of Darkness - Russell Brand.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The Beast of Revelations, Aisling Bea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The Lord of the Flies, Noel Fielding.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:05And, hell, yes, it's Alan Davies!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Hey-hey!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17That was a terrifying outfit. LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I was really hoping there'd be a new car under there, but it's just Alan.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And their buzzers are obligingly ominous. Russell goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28WOLF HOWLS
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Aisling goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34EVIL GIGGLING
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And Noel goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39EVIL GUFFAWING
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And Alan goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:48 > 0:01:51FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYS ON ORGAN
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Hey, right. We're going to begin with some mind-reading,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02but those of you who are psychic will already know that.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We have asked some members of our front row to write some
0:02:04 > 0:02:09words on cards and put them in an envelope, which I have not seen.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13So if the QI minion, this is our magic minion,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15can please collect them.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Then we are going to attempt some spooky mind-reading.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And what are they? Just facts, or?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's just a word, a single word, is that right?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Each one's written a single word.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So the minion is going to give me the cards.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Do you believe in this kind of thing?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Do you believe in mind-reading? - Yes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33OK. LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36So in order for this to work, I need to make my mind a complete blank.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Alan, how do I do that?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, some of you may know I have an ear piece,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I don't want you to think that in any way that anybody can
0:02:46 > 0:02:48communicate with me, so I can't use that.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51What's going to happen now is that I am going to place the card
0:02:51 > 0:02:54to my head, and I need to concentrate.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I am going to say potato. Who said potato?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Anybody say? You did say potato? Did you? OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Very, very good. Indeed.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05OK, let's do the next one. LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Let's see. Oh, this one's difficult.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11This one is very difficult.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I am going to say sin, something to do with sin...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17synchronicity?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It is, synchronicity is your word?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21She's a witch, burn her!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Goodness. Oh, indeed, OK.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29So, we'll just do one more and see if I can think.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, this one's nice - mushroom. I think it's mushroom.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yes. Absolutely. Well, there we go, that will do.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:41See I love those tricks, I think they are fantastic,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- I mean, clearly they are a trick. And...- What?!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Of genius, a trick of genius, in some way.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Are you a fan of magic shows, Russell?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50I'm astounded that we're all just sat here
0:03:50 > 0:03:54while you have unravelled one of the great mysteries of the universe.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Now we're going to have to work out through which necromancy
0:03:57 > 0:03:59you have taken over Bake-Off.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You've managed to install Noel Fielding,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08an astonishing piece of casting. What's next?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I am channelling Mrs Beaton, that's what's happening.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- You have powers beyond my comprehension.- I know, I know.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So what I'm going to do, I'm going to take a blank card like this
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and I'm going to write a word myself on it,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21and I'm going to stick it in an envelope.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25And then we will place that in this big book,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27so that it's not possible for me to change it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Russell can see it from where you are,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I saw your eyes looking, it's cheating.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Yeah, but I would never use that knowledge to trick the QI audience.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35OK, let's put it on there, let's put it on there
0:04:35 > 0:04:38so that I can't cheat with it, you can all see it, it's in,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40there it is, it's in plain sight, OK.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43So, there used to be a thought that some people could read
0:04:43 > 0:04:46through something other than their eyes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50It's called dermo-optical perception, or cutaneous perception.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And the idea is, so I put it against my head
0:04:52 > 0:04:55so that you could read through your fingers or you could read through your skin.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But in fact our mind-reading was done by a completely different trick.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There was a mentalist who used to be known as Alexander -
0:05:01 > 0:05:02The Man Who Knows.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- I've got that very poster.- Have you? - Yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Do you know who he actually is, Alexander The Man Who Knows?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- He was called Alexander. - LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12And he worked as a psychic.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15His real name was Claude Conlin and he was from South Dakota.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17But he was quite a guy, Alexander.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19He married 8 to 14 women, many at the same time.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22We don't know exactly how many, maybe 14 women.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23- 14 women?- Yeah, it's quite a lot.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26That's not that many, is it, Russell?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:29You are a conservative mind-bender.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I can't tell you how he read the mind of our front row,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37but I can say that we have a plant in the audience.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Yeah. - CHUCKLING
0:05:40 > 0:05:43OK, so I've got an object here for you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- There's one for you guys to share. - Thank you very much.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47And one for you to share.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And I want you to tell me how you would use it to burgle a house.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- OK, so...- I have an idea. - Yes, go on, then.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Well, I think what you'd do is, you would melt the waxen tips,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- there are waxen tips.- There are.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You would get the finger prints of the person whose house it
0:06:01 > 0:06:04was on their hi-tech James Bond style fingerprint system.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Yeah.- I don't know how you get in that bit,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08cos if you've got that kind of access to the person,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13simply charm them into allowing you in to rob the safe at your leisure.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And then you put their fingerprints on there,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19then you put this very discreet garment on your other hand
0:06:19 > 0:06:23and wander into Canary Wharf, or wherever it is, and say -
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"I'm just one of the people who happens to live here.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"Don't judge me by that. I move among you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29"I love you. I'm a banker, just like you."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Then you press all the buttons, you're in there
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- and that's how you rob their house. - And that's that sorted.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Simple business.- Yeah. I don't know why we didn't think of that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's gone rogue.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47I think you could only rob a house if Freddy Krueger lived there.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Just put your hand through the letterbox and the dog lets you in.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52We wanted to set fire to them,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54but apparently it's a health and safety nightmare.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55There's a fire there though.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Why is fire allowed there and not near Noel?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Now I understand. - LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Who wants me to try? - CHEERING
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- OK.- Don't put it near your hair product, will you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Are you left or right handed? - Well, the glove is left handed.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, but...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- OK. So hang on, is that it? - There we go.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Light the others. I used to do this with...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- AISLING:- So, in answer to your question, Sandi,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30while they are doing that, I go and burgle the house.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Yes.- Is that what it is?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Hi, nice to meet you. - OTHERS SING:- Happy birthday to you.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Really rubbish pitch singing.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Is it the flame that's significant? - Kind of. Or the rubber?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53So, you needed the pickled hand of a hanged man, OK?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Oh, wow.- You then needed to make
0:07:55 > 0:07:58a candle from the fat of the condemned man.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03- Ugh.- And then, in an idea world, you would make the wick out of his hair.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04It's called a Hand of Glory.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06If you were holding the Hand of Glory,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08and the Hand of Glory had a...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:14That's not the Hand of Glory, Sandi. That's the Hand of Glory.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It was a race.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21It's sweet when boys are so pleased with themselves.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:26It's a good job this desk is here.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No, you're all right. Um...
0:08:30 > 0:08:32So the idea was - if you held one of these
0:08:32 > 0:08:35when you went into somebody's house, it would have a
0:08:35 > 0:08:37stupefying effect upon them, and put them to sleep.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Now, the only photograph that we have of a genuine Hand of Glory is
0:08:41 > 0:08:43courtesy of the Whitby Museum,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and that is probably the only one still in existence, and that was...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It's quite a wild pitch like for Dragons' Den, to go -
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"I've got this idea, all we need is one hand
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"of a hanged man, we stick his hair in there,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"make a candle out of his skin, the hair is going to be the wick.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"That's important. When we go into the house,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"it'll automatically send people to sleep
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"and that's how we're going to burgle the house."
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"I'm in, £250,000. I see nothing wrong with this idea."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- NOEL:- Or, just wait till they go on holiday.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Well, the Observer, in 1831,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13reported on the 16th January, "Burglars entered a house
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"in County Meath, armed with a dead man's hand
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"with a lighted candle in it, believing in the superstitious
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"notion that it would prevent those who may be asleep from awaking."
0:09:21 > 0:09:22- Do you think it worked?- No.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No, they woke instantly and raised the alarm.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Screamed their heads off. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- He's got a burning hand! - LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32The occult was also used against burglars.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34So there used to be quite a lot of book curses,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36because books were phenomenally expensive.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39So in the Middle Ages they wanted to stop people from stealing books.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This is a fantastic one from a 15th century manuscript
0:09:42 > 0:09:44owned by Count Jean d'Orleans.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"Whoever steals this book will hang on a gallows in Paris,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"and if he isn't hung, he'll drown, and if he doesn't drown,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54"he'll roast, and if he doesn't roast, a worse end will befall him."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- He's covering a lot of bases there. - He is really, yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- He don't want that book stolen. - No, that's not going to...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Look after it.- Yeah.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Now, which horny member of royalty is immune from any
0:10:06 > 0:10:08form of legal prosecution?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11EVIL GIGGLE Yes?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Prince Andrew?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16BELLS RING AND KLAXON WAILS Oh, no.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- It's going to be something with horns?- Yes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Is it like a royal cow or something?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- No. There should be, I think. - The Royal Cow.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- NOEL:- That's a snail what you're doing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Brian from Magic Roundabout. - Magic Roundabout.- Hello.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Who was it - Florence and Dougal? - Yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And there was the one who's based on Bob Dylan, the rabbit.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Dylan. And he was stoned all the time.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Yeah, exactly, it was the '70s.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You were allowed to be stoned in a children's cartoon.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46- AISLING:- Helen did you say?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dylan.- Dylan, yeah. - Dylan.- Dylan, yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Yes, we just said that, thanks. We said that.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54That person just woke up. "Dylan, they're talking about Dylan!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"They're talking about Magic Roundabout! Dylan!"
0:11:00 > 0:11:03The guy's just beginning to get the hang of mind-reading.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- "Mushroom! Mushroom! - LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:08"Potato!"
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Come on now - horny, member of royalty.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- In the context of the occult...- Yes.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14- ..who is a horny royal?- The Devil.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The Devil is exactly right.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19The Devil. You can't prosecute the Devil?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22No, so, 1971 there was an American called Gerald Mayo,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24attempted to sue the Devil.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26And there is the case.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"vs Satan and His Staff."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And it was heard by the US District Court
0:11:33 > 0:11:35for the Western District of Pennsylvania.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Mr Mayo alleged: "Satan has on numerous occasions caused
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44"Against the will of the plaintiff, Satan has placed deliberate
0:11:44 > 0:11:47"obstacles in his path and has caused the plaintiff's downfall."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50The first point that was raised by the judge,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53a man called Gerald J Weber, was that he wasn't sure that they
0:11:53 > 0:11:58could prosecute Satan, as Satan was technically a foreign prince
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and if sued he might be able to claim immunity.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Surely it's a typo, he meant "Stan."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09And in the end they refused his request,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11because nobody could find an address to serve the Satan the papers.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14You actually have to put it in their hand, don't you?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Yeah.- Otherwise it doesn't count.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Yeah.- Wow!- But do you know about the Devil's Advocate?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Do you know about that?- Avocado? - As in being one?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Well, it's a Roman Catholic thing, the Devil's Advocate.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Yeah, as in to play Devil's Advocate?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Well, that's where the phrase comes from,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27but it used to be a proper job.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It was the job of the Devil's Advocate
0:12:29 > 0:12:31to argue the case against proposed sainthoods.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32So his job was to say -
0:12:32 > 0:12:34this person is going to come up to be a saint,
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I don't think it's a good idea.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It was got rid of by Pope John Paul II, in 1983,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and the number of saints just shot through the roof.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43But anybody know the correct way to greet the Devil?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- High five?- No.- I reckon there's got to be some deference in it,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50you go down on one knee, little bit of a hornpipe, sticking
0:12:50 > 0:12:52AN elbow out, two thumbs up, come on,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54take us on a wild, giddy journey.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58OK, yeah. Down on one knee is a good place to start.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- See.- Like, no, not a blowy. - LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's the kiss of shame, you have to kiss the Devil's...
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- You kiss his ring?- His arse, you have to kiss his arse. There it is.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- What?!- Yeah.- Kiss his bum.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15The Osculum Infame, the Kiss of Shame. Kissing the Devil's arse.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Do you think he lifts his own tail, or do you have to lift his tail?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Flick that tail right up, reveal the anus, a little wink.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Give us a kiss.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I'd like it if it was like a Pez dispenser,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27so like when it lifts up, you get a little Devil sweet.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You're like, yum-yum, thank you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You've crossed, you've crossed the line, did you hear that noise?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Sweets from the Devil's arse? No. - Not on the BBC.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41The rest of that chat's fine, but we're drawing the line there.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45We like Pez and you've ruined it for us!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- LAUGHTER - Mushroom!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Alan actually knows the parameters.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54We think of you as a sort of a shambling, lovable figure,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58but you actually are sensing stuff like a shaman.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- You're reading their minds, Alan. - Yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03No, they just made a funny noise.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Now, time for mind-reading number two.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12OK, so for this I'm going to ask Aisling please to channel
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Carol Vorderman for me, if you don't mind.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Vr-o-o-o-p.- So here is a pen.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20So you've got to hold it up so that everybody can see.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Yes.- So maybe Alan can help you with that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Well, I think I'm all right.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27No, no, I mean hold it up so that the audience can see
0:14:27 > 0:14:28what you're writing.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Oh, I see what you mean. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Thank God I got this big strong man with me
0:14:35 > 0:14:37to help with this heavy old board.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:42There's a gentleman wearing a T-shirt
0:14:42 > 0:14:44that says "Love Is" something.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Any random number please.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Just single-digit number.- Eight. - It wasn't a difficult question.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- LAUGHTER - Eight.- He's gone eight.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Write that down please.- OK.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Just to warn you, you're going to write a three-digit number
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and there's going to be quite a lot of numbers.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- So, eight.- Oh, dear God. LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Could you just start again? OK.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That was just me having a gentle laugh with you, Sandi
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I love it. There is, let's go right up the back there,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19first row at the very back.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- The blue shirt at the end?- Two. - Two, number two.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- OK, two.- OK, there we go.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Squeaky.- Shut up, Debbie McGee, go back again.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And let's go over here, lady with a patterned top?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Seven. 827. OK.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Whoa.- So what I want you to do now is reverse the digits underneath.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, yes. Oh...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44..but that's always going to be two in the middle.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah, that's fine, keep going.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- That's still...- Put it upside down.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It's not really complicated, what I'm asking you to do.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51- LAUGHTER - Yes, yes, yes.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Could you now subtract the smaller
0:15:54 > 0:15:55number from the larger?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Right, yeah. OK,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00so we're going to do this now.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02SANDI LAUGHS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04So we take eight from seven, just not possible,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I think we all know that.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10OK. Yes, so we're going to do...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Wow!- I mean, I'm in the arts, you see, so...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Yeah.- It's just...- Nine, nine, nine!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Um...um...- Stop saying "no" at me in German
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- and tell me what this is. - LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Nine.- Yeah, and then it's going to be nine again.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- And then this one comes down here... - It's going to be nine again.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27So it's three from nine, God!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30So I need to have three numbers, so put a zero now please.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32So you have three numbers.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Now reverse those digits, please. Zero...
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Always nine.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And please could you add them together?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Um... - LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- So 18.- No. LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- So nine and zero, start again.- Oh!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Nine and zero is nine. Nine and nine is eight, carry one.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- 18.- So the answer is?- 1,089.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58OK, so we've come to 1089. OK, thank you very much.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01AISLING SIGHS Wow, that was painful.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really painful.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So what was the number that we had? We had 1089.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13So, Noel, I'm going to pass you a copy of 1,342 QI Facts
0:17:13 > 0:17:17To Leave You Flabbergasted. LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Noel?- Yes?- Could you, let's see, 1089,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24take the tenth word on page 89
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- and tell me what it is.- Yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- What is it?- French.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32French. Here is the envelope that I did earlier.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- And there is the word French.- No! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Whoa!- Isn't that fab? - That's a very good trick.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I mean, that's nuts.- Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Sandi, you clearly are Satan born again, show me
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- the correct greeting once more. - LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I'm ready.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04And the powers it will surely imbue.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Anyway, thank you very much to our audience,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11and very well done to Carol there. Very good.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12APPLAUSE
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Does anybody want to know how I did it?- Yes.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Nah, I'm not telling.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Can you tell me the final title in Shakespeare's oeuvre?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Anybody know? - He was very cranial, wasn't he?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Big forehead.- Yes. Receding.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Really you'd like to hit him with a teaspoon.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Dip a soldier in him.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It would come out with sonnets on it.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Last work authored by Shakespeare? - Tempest, ain't it?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- The Tempest.- Oh. - BELLS RING, KLAXON HOOTS
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You've been in that?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Is it definitely a play or could it have been a poem?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52It's not a play, it is a work authored by Shakespeare.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Did he have a diary or something?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I can tell you it was written in 1920.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- OK. - Yeah. And we're doing the occult.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Did someone channel him? - That's exactly right.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04That's what they used to do, didn't they? According to a wonderful book called
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Essential Cataloguing: The Basics, it's the guide
0:19:07 > 0:19:09followed by the British Library and the US Library of Congress.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Books written by authors after their death are still catalogued
0:19:13 > 0:19:14under their own name.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17So his last work, published in 1920,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20The Book For Him I Name For Jesus' Sake,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23by William Shakespeare (spirit)...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Wow.- ..is in fact the last listed work by William Shakespeare
0:19:26 > 0:19:27in the British Library.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29So the royalties of that go to his family?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Sadly not, I think they go to Sarah Taylor Shatford, who wrote it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Shatford?- Shatford. LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:37She deserves some cash.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Mark Twain wrote a book seven years after his death entitled
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Jap Herron: A Novel Written From the Ouija Board.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46And noted spiritualist and dead person, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
0:19:46 > 0:19:50got in touch in 1983 to write The Great Mystery of Life Beyond Death.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Are these all by a Ouija board, or are some of them
0:19:52 > 0:19:55with automatic writing? That was a thing, wasn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Some of them are automatic writing, so they're a kind of a mix.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59That is a weird Ouija board scenario,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02that's a gingham shirt and they're clearly on public transport.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:08First we summons the dead, then a hoedown.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Anyway, William Shakespeare's last work was written through
0:20:11 > 0:20:13the medium of a medium.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16What's the worst omen you can see on a football pitch?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- An omen?- Yeah. Are footballers superstitious?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Yes!- Is it a young woman with a list of allegations?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:34But is there something about the markings on the field
0:20:34 > 0:20:36that are significant to occultists?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's to do with the many superstitions
0:20:38 > 0:20:41that are associated with football. 1990 World Cup...
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Right.- ..there was an Argentine goal keeper called Sergio Goycochea.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Did he have a body part of an animal or something in the goal net?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51No, what happened to him was, Argentina's quarterfinal
0:20:51 > 0:20:54was against Yugoslavia, and it ended in a draw, which meant?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Penalty shoot-out. - They had to do a penalty shoot-out.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00He needed to wee, but he wasn't allowed to leave the field.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01So his team-mates surrounded him
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and he had a wee and he then blocked two penalty shots.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07So, the coach thought this was a marvellous thing, took it as an
0:21:07 > 0:21:12omen, and he went on to urinate on the field again, with his team-mates
0:21:12 > 0:21:15around him, before the semifinal penalty shoot-out against Italy.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He blocked two shots and then went on into the finals,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21but they lost the finals against West Germany, because?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- He didn't urinate. - He didn't wee, because?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- It didn't go to a shoot-out. - It didn't go to a shoot-out.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27But, wasn't Germany's winning goal a penalty?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It was a late penalty and it was in the main body of the game,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- so he didn't have time to wee. - Didn't have time for a wee.- No.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36When they stood around him, did they look in or out, do you know?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Do you know, I always think I've got all the information
0:21:39 > 0:21:40I need for this show.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Do you think he was a bit self-conscious?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- His team-mates around him.- Well, because he might have been wearing somebody else's underpants,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49apparently that's a very common footballer thing,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51is that they swap underpants. Some of them wear them inside out.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- They do not!- Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Was it Barry Fry who weed in all four corners of the ground?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Do you remember that? - Yes, I believe that is a fact,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00that Barry Fry, whilst manager of Birmingham,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03perhaps, weed in every corner of the ground.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I thought you said Barry Cryer!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08No, not Barry Cryer.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11He's weed in all four corners of the Just A Minute studio.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Yeah, just for that.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Now, it's time for the ritual sacrifice of rationality
0:22:15 > 0:22:17that we call General Ignorance.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Fingers on buzzers, please. Take a look at this.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23This is Tommaso, the world's richest cat.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26According to legend, how many lives does he have?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Well, now usually they have...- Yes?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- One less than ten.- Yes? LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:35BELLS RING KLAXON WAILS
0:22:37 > 0:22:40That isn't fair! I was being so clever.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44So, I can tell you that he is Italian, and that has a bearing.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- He's Italian? That cat?- Yes. - Where's his mouth?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So why would it matter that he's Italian?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Why would that make a difference?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Because he has got so many past-a lives.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58COLLECTIVE GROAN
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Look, that is actually professional comedy you just witnessed.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Are they superstitious, Italians, about cats?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Yeah, but the number of lives that a cat has in superstition
0:23:08 > 0:23:09varies from culture to culture.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11So the Italians believe it is seven.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14In Turkish and Arabic tradition it's six.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Germany, Greece, Brazil,
0:23:15 > 0:23:19a few Spanish-speaking places it's seven as well. We have nine.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Tommaso is possibly just one of the world's richest cats.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25He was a stray adopted by an elderly Italian woman named
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Maria Assunta, and when she died in 2011, she bequeathed him
0:23:28 > 0:23:3413,000,000, to make sure he would be loved and cuddled.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I would totally do it and I don't like cats. I'm...
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I'd sit at the bottom of an old man's bed
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and drink milk naked for 13,000,000.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- For probably 20 quid. - Just for 20...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Why do so many cultures have an idea that cats always come back?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52It's more they're cheating death, isn't that the thing?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Yeah, they cheat death. They fall off a roof and they walk away.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Lots of people think that they...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59But, if you put them in a tumble dryer, they will die. They will.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- LAUGHTER - Eventually.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06On the ninth time. "He's still alive!
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- "Go again!" - This is the eighth cycle!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"I can't even touch him, he's so hot!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"Arrgh, boof!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"Meow, bang, meow, bang."
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- NOEL:- Can you put my socks in with it?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Now, what should you use to make a traditional Jack-o-Lantern?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Pumpkin.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32BELL RINGS KLAXON BLARES
0:24:33 > 0:24:36No, it's not a pumpkin. Yes?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37A turnip.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40A turnip is exactly right. Yes, very good.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yeah. So turnips there on the left, and if you can't get a turnip,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45something called a mangelwurzel, which is on the right.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Do you know where the tradition of Halloween comes from?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- I'm looking at Aisling. - Best country in the world, Sandi.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Denmark.- Oh, no.- No?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Ireland, it came from Ireland, from Samhain, S-A-M-H-A-I-N,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01which is Halloween, All Hallows Eve, we celebrate our dead.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03How do you say it? Because it looks like Sam Hain.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Yeah, Samhain.- So-wan.- Samhain.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Just haven't got time to say the whole thing properly. - Yeah. Very busy people.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Now, I've got each of you some magic sticks,
0:25:11 > 0:25:16but I want you to tell me which of these sticks is a wand.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19So I'm going to give this one to Aisling, there we go.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24I am going to give this one to Noel.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- There we go.- That's it.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'm going to give this one to Russell.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Oh, they're getting bigger and bigger. There we go.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34And ah... LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:36That's for Alan.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Aw. - Actually, I've got two for you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You can have that one as well.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Anybody know what a wand used to be? - A walking stick?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It's a unit of length.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48This was originally equivalent to a modern metre.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50So in fact Aisling has the original wand.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Ooph! LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, they're all old lengths.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So, Noel, you've got something, it's called an "ars."
0:26:02 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It's an old Turkish unit meaning forearm.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09So you know in the Bible it says, Noah builds the ark using cubits?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Yes, by cubits.- That's that measure. That's the one you've got there.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- OK.- And the one you've got, Russell, is Mongolian, it's an "ald",
0:26:15 > 0:26:17so it's the width of a man's arms outstretched.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It was used in the time of Genghis Khan.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I don't know if your arms would be the same as that span?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24There's nothing wrong with Genghis and his army,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27out there on the plains, fighting on horseback, bows and arrows,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29up against the Chinese, why the hell not?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31What else are you going to do, just sit quietly?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35To hell with it, we've got me wand, I'm off out there.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Alan, your little one is actually a measure.- Oh.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It's a pyramid inch, which briefly in the 19th century
0:26:43 > 0:26:46they believed was the measure that had been used by the Egyptians
0:26:46 > 0:26:47to build their pyramids.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49The other one you've got, Alan, is a Scandinavian measure,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and do you know what it's called? It's 60cm long.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56A, er, no.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- It's called an "alen."- Aw.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Is it?- None of them are in fact magic wands.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Does anybody know what you have to say in order to get a magic wand?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Please.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- GASPING - Ah! Ah!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- She's a witch! Witch! - APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- That was genuinely alarming. - Genuinely.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Which brings us to the hell fire and damnation of the scores,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and, oh, my. Last place, with minus 17 -
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Noel Fielding. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:29 > 0:27:31In a very creditable third place -
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Russell!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:40In second place, with minus two -
0:27:40 > 0:27:42it's Alan!
0:27:42 > 0:27:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And that means...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50SHE GASPS Oh, my God!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53This week I've won. No, it means...
0:27:53 > 0:27:58with no points at all, this week's winner is Aisling.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And that means that Aisling is the winner of tonight's
0:28:10 > 0:28:11objectionable object.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15This is the skull of one of the QI researchers, as a matter of fact.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17So there you are, Aisling, there is your object to take home.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Oh, goodness me. Is it a real skull?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- Yes, of course darling, look at the size of it.- Oh.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Just, your biology as good as your maths.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28LAUGHTER
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Thank you to Russell, Noel, Aisling and Alan, I leave you with this,
0:28:32 > 0:28:37the great French zoologist Georges Cuvier was irritatingly logical.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38One day, to teach him a lesson,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40a colleague broke into his bedroom dressed as a devil with
0:28:40 > 0:28:43horns on his head, and shouted: "Mr Cuvier, I'm going to eat you!"
0:28:43 > 0:28:44To which he replied:
0:28:44 > 0:28:48"All animals with horns and hooves are herbivorous."
0:28:48 > 0:28:51And he went back to sleep. Thank you and good night.