0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to the QI office party.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about
0:00:41 > 0:00:45offices and occupations are Vice President of Stapler Affairs,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Deirdre O'Kane.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Senior Partner in Charge of Biscuits, Richard Osman.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Regional Branch Biro Lid Replacement Manager, David Mitchell.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:13And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Let's hear their noises office.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Deirdre goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28TYPING
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- What is it?- Typewriter.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- It's a... - Thanks for the help! Thank you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Well done!- Wow. - There must be a historian in.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39"Yeah, couldn't know that." They wouldn't have.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And Richard goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43BROADBAND DIAL-UP BLEEPING
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:49That's a laugh from a certain section
0:01:49 > 0:01:50of the audience who got that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And David goes...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55WATER POURING, WATER COOLER BUBBLING
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02And Alan goes...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05RINGING
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- FEMALE VOICE ON ANSWER MACHINE: - The office is now closed.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Please leave a message for...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- MALE VOICE:- Alan Davies. - ..after the tone.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15BEEP
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Right. What's the worst thing you can catch in the office?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Well, I mean...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23the plague?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28People who were perfectly all right.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Yeah. Oh, God, plague, yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"Yeah, pretty bad."
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What, were they just talking to their hands, they were just...?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Files disease.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Files disease?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, in fact it's bad manners.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness
0:02:49 > 0:02:53apparently spread around an organisation a bit like a cold.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56And when rudeness starts, it tends to get worse over the course
0:02:56 > 0:02:58of a working day. It is the thing you're...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Oh, bugger off!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- You can't actually catch bad manners.- Well, apparently what
0:03:09 > 0:03:12happens is, if somebody is rude to you, you're more likely
0:03:12 > 0:03:14to be rude back. So it's one of the things you're most...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Hence the Nazis, and things like that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- That started in an office... - Yeah, yeah.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- ..with someone being a little bit impolite...- Yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- ..over some filing. - And suddenly they're in Poland.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The next thing you know...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27There is lots of bacteria as well.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and one of them had five times as many germs
0:03:32 > 0:03:34as the office toilet seat.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35AUDIENCE GROANS
0:03:35 > 0:03:38But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- OK.- Because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it
0:03:41 > 0:03:43than the average loo seat.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46To which the obvious response is,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- well, that's obviously broadly fine then...- Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51..because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen
0:03:51 > 0:03:55and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56But toilets are actually quite clean,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour
0:04:04 > 0:04:08it down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13So, Deirdre, what do you reckon,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15if you had an all-male office and an all-female office,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17which one would have more bacteria?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18- Oh, the male office.- Why?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Because they're mankier than us.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23So maybe that is the scientific answer.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32But are men dirtier per kilogram?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, that's a good question.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Deirdre, how dirty are you, and then we'll work it out?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I know that men don't wash their hands after they've
0:04:40 > 0:04:41been in the toilet.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43There you go.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink there
0:04:49 > 0:04:52were three penises urinating into the sink.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53No!
0:04:53 > 0:04:54On their own?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58I don't really know how it works.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals,
0:05:03 > 0:05:07they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08And they're here tonight.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Yes, I played the old Comedy Store, and the first time
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I went in the dressing room, Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19And they introduced themselves and they said,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- "The toilet's over there," and it was the sink.- Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23So there was just a basin in the corner of the room,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and they weren't really expecting girls.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I was just going to say, not much good for us.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37So, I have four occupations for you.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Deirdre, you are a Sewage Diver.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Richard, you are the Queen's Bagpiper.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45David, you're an Ornamental Hermit.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And, Alan, you're Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Which of you has got a real job?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yes, but is the job a real job?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- you join the Chiltern Hundreds. - Yeah. So it's not really a real job.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06So 1624, and they passed a law saying that nobody
0:06:06 > 0:06:09can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time
0:06:09 > 0:06:11when people were elected against their will.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14they didn't really want to.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And the law says, technically, you have to die or you have to be
0:06:17 > 0:06:20voted out or you have to go and work for the Queen or something.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office
0:06:24 > 0:06:26called the Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And here are some people who have, in their time, been Stewards.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34He brought an empty glass to his lips
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and now he's filled it with his special liquid.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Then he passes it to the person next to him,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46they drink it and then they like him.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52So let's go back to the Sewage Diver, what do you reckon,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Deirdre, real job? - Well, it's a shit job, isn't it?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- It is, look at that, it is a real thing. So they have a...- It's more
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- wading they do, than diving, isn't it?- There you go, yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You know, I think that would be quite popular as...
0:07:06 > 0:07:07That would be a good way.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement."
0:07:10 > 0:07:11- Yes.- Hurray!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- But who would do this job? - I used to be a sewage diver.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15It was just going through the motions.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Thanks, anyway.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30they have to dive in and climb down to fix them.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Oh, God.- "They're fitted with air pipelines." I would hope so!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Yes, I know.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Just take a deep breath and go for it!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to
0:07:41 > 0:07:43clean the suit when they get out.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I don't know.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51I think I'd go... Presented with that terrible career choice,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I think I'd go for cleaning the suit.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57What about Queen's Bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So, yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Well, she inherited it.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Queen Victoria was terribly keen. I mean, mad keen, on them.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Mad for the bagpipes. - Mad for the bagpipes.- Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I have to say, it was much easier in the days
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper.- Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Nine o'clock every morning, he plays for 15 minutes
0:08:20 > 0:08:22underneath her window.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Oh, no, he doesn't?- Well, he's been told it's her window.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I have no... Who knows whether it is or not?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Because she needs a break.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham?- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46So...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper.- No.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51One of the things they say...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Go in the stable!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01No room for the bagpipers.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06But I have no idea what that is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- A page of presents is Santa's list, isn't it?- Oh.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13I'm going to give you an extra point,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20What about the Ornamental Hermit, David? What do you reckon?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I think... Didn't the sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built
0:09:24 > 0:09:28follies might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently
0:09:28 > 0:09:31inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah, you're absolutely right. It was very fashionable
0:09:33 > 0:09:36in the 18th century. They liked people to sort of dress-up
0:09:36 > 0:09:37as Druids, and they lived in caves.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having
0:09:42 > 0:09:47just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Which famously, hermits never are.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50No.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Yeah, I'd have gone with,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner." You know?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59That's more plausible, isn't it?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Well, there are still several towns in Europe that have
0:10:01 > 0:10:04professional hermits. So, early 2017, the Austrian town
0:10:04 > 0:10:07of Saalfelden advertised for one.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel, which is
0:10:10 > 0:10:13very nice. There's no TV, no running water, no internet,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14and you need to be sociable.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You need to be sociable?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Yeah, because people turn up. - You wouldn't expect that.- No.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then
0:10:22 > 0:10:25they say, "Of course the main thing is you've got to be sociable."
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Now, why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Just plain hygiene.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Actually, we are going back to the 19th century.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It's the very first telephone systems.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Bell telephone, 1878.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51If a call came in,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was
0:10:54 > 0:10:57being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And when they first set-up this system, they hired messenger boys,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- What if...- Well, that's like the first social network.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Yes, it is, exactly.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just
0:11:26 > 0:11:29a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- I know, dressed like that.- It would explain a lot about the internet
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- if it was.- Yeah. And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and they could always remember who they were speaking to.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44They had to say "number please" about a thousand times a day.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50This is the original multi-tasking.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And yet the toilet was still a sink.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Anyway, another O occupation now.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Is he wearing one there?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08No, it's not a thing.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09- It's not a thing?- No.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- So it's an emotion?- Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Yeah, because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- You are heading in the right direction.- OK, really?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Blimey!
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in.- Oh, all right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- So it's French. - French, heading towards France.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- French, but it's not a thing. - It's a person.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Is it a person selling onions?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It's a person selling onions.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Absolutely right, Deirdre, very well done.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43So they were French onion sellers, who travelled door to door.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them
0:12:46 > 0:12:48who travelled to the UK for several months of the year,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50mostly on bicycles.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And they were called Johnnies because were Jean,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59the beret and the stripy jumper.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is
0:13:05 > 0:13:09what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak
0:13:09 > 0:13:13French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh.
0:13:13 > 0:13:162008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Does anybody know the myth that
0:13:18 > 0:13:20if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour
0:13:20 > 0:13:23you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25But why would you eat your sock?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28No, you don't need to eat the sock.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32You put the onion inside the sock, to keep it in place,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and then the chemicals seep up through your body.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Nonsense, I don't believe it. - It is nonsense.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40One of the elves tried this and it doesn't work,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42and what worries me is that they tried it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47They are very thorough researchers.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48They do very thorough research.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Yes. And there are all sorts of... - And there's a reason for that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I think it's the way in which you cut them.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Something to do with that,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59and also whether your partner's just left you.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12There's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- I do that. Put a silver...- Yeah. - Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19When you're chopping the onion, you put a spoon in your mouth
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and then you won't cry. But it doesn't work.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle?- No, like a...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Let's say a dessert spoon.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Soup spoon sized.- So you can't cry.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30And do you have it curvy bit up or down?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- Don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her.- Yeah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Have you ever played the spoon game?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What's the spoon game?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44The spoon game is, you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Yeah.- Put your head down, put your head down, it won't hurt.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Put my what?- Your head. - Head down, right.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51And you go like that.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Right? Then, David, you can get up now.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Thank you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Yeah.- And then a third person behind me will hit me
0:15:05 > 0:15:09with incredible force with another spoon.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- And it really, really hurts.- Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12So when you come up, you're enraged!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And then you put the spoon back in your mouth
0:15:14 > 0:15:17and you really, really try as hard as you can.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20And then they say, "Right," and then the third person,
0:15:20 > 0:15:21and it took me three goes...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24..before I thought, "Hang on a minute,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!"
0:15:27 > 0:15:29What worried me is how compliant David was.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30You had no idea.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I was just trying to look fun.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look.- Yeah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Right, moving on.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49A double-O occupation - can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy
0:15:49 > 0:15:50to work in the UK?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- Oh, yes.- Yes?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54My friend, Steve.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- I shouldn't say that, actually.- Shh!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59But it is him.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had
0:16:01 > 0:16:05a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07You just have to look at her!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I know, you can tell straight away.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade, as well.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Shh!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Like a little Richard.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her
0:16:29 > 0:16:31boss' safe and she used to photograph the contents,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and thanks to her the Soviet Union were able to test their
0:16:33 > 0:16:35nuclear weapons much sooner.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49hired by MI5 in 1982.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk, and when a guard
0:16:52 > 0:16:55chased him, he shouted, "You can't arrest me, I'm a spy."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy...- I know.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- ..of the double bluff, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, he later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them
0:17:05 > 0:17:08some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10and they informed MI5 of his treachery.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11So he was just rubbish.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies
0:17:28 > 0:17:32landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35One walked into a pub and asked for a pint of cider soon
0:17:35 > 0:17:37after nine o'clock in the morning,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41"Half a litre of cider."
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"straight away, please."
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland
0:17:45 > 0:17:48on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- And I...- What a combination that is! - I know!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56"Ooh!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59"Ooh!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf!"
0:18:05 > 0:18:06"I've had a cider, Hans."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I think it was because no British soldier would have hand cream,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15but it turns out Nivea's German, I didn't know that.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Is it?- Did you know that? It is German.- Oh.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And one of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke
0:18:20 > 0:18:22English the best said his mission was to find out
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"how the people is living, how many soldiers there are
0:18:24 > 0:18:26"and all the things."
0:18:28 > 0:18:32It really is... 'Allo 'Allo! was a documentary, basically, wasn't it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35There are some people who think they were deliberately sent
0:18:35 > 0:18:37by senior German officers to sabotage the plot,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39because they didn't want to invade Britain, but...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That's the Germans for you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- At the time.- Come the time.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47A lot of them have mended their ways since.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Oh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50No, a lot of them have.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51It's a wonderful country.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is...
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Now, what is this man about to post?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00A letter.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02SIREN BLARES
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Took a bullet there, everyone. - Yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he is about to post himself.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Is he?- Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18He was also known as the human letter,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21he was an eccentric gentleman, who spent his entire life pushing
0:19:21 > 0:19:24the British Post Office to their absolute limits.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself,
0:19:27 > 0:19:28to see how that would go.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So he sent a shirt collar and a half smoked cigar.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34That's him actually posting onions on the right there.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And almost all of it got through without any trouble at all.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39So he began to experiment.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42He wrote to "Any Resident of London", there it is.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43"Any Resident of London."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Sadly, that was rejected "insufficiently addressed."
0:19:46 > 0:19:50But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53And he also wrote the address in mirror writing
0:19:53 > 0:19:55and that was also accepted.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And then, finally he sent himself through the post.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01He shipped himself to his father,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03and there's his rather irritated father receiving him.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office -
0:20:17 > 0:20:21"Please can you stop sending letters, the Fuhrer's quite busy."
0:20:21 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge?- Yeah.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27As I say, a lot of them these days, very different,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- a very different country.- Yeah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's...
0:20:34 > 0:20:35It's not a hole, it's a trench.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39GROANING
0:20:39 > 0:20:43I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Right, moving on.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49the round that we all call General Ignorance.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55- David?- Optician.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Ah.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58KLAXON
0:21:00 > 0:21:01No. Why not?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Optometrist.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses
0:21:13 > 0:21:17and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician who is
0:21:20 > 0:21:22also an optometrist, that is possible.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23An optician who is also an optometrist,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25that's a TV show I'd like to watch.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Why might poor eyesight make a good impression?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:44When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Or try and jump them because of their beauty.- Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52So either way your response is muted.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53- Muted.- It's not that.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses,
0:21:55 > 0:21:56so I can see virtually nothing.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies
0:21:59 > 0:22:00when they used to sort of...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Yeah, I see that. Can I say, thank you very much.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07So everyone looks like they're shot through a filter.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09OK, so it isn't about that, it's to do with impressions.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Oh...- Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight
0:22:12 > 0:22:14and that's why they painted in the way they did?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15It's absolutely to do with...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Many of the Impressionists suffered from very poor eyesight.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19That explains a lot.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I've, yeah, I'm very short-sighted.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Without glasses or contact lenses,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24things look a bit like an impressionist painting.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Right.- I was walking, I was in a hotel in New York recently,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and I was walking down a long corridor.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought,
0:22:30 > 0:22:31this, that is beautiful.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Like a big... It was abstract, it was red and white
0:22:33 > 0:22:34and all kinds of stuff.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37And I thought when I get to the end of the corridor, I'm going
0:22:37 > 0:22:39to see what that is. And it was a fire hose.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It was very nice. It was beautiful.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:51That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting to
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- hang in a hotel corridor. - It would be.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57And he's not the only one.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease,
0:23:00 > 0:23:01it affects your central vision.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see
0:23:10 > 0:23:13light in circles, so very like the Starry Night.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And Van Gogh also treated, of course,
0:23:15 > 0:23:16with digitalis for his epilepsy,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green, and
0:23:19 > 0:23:23that could explain his increasing use of yellow in later works.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Now, if your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Pharmacists.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Good thing, good! Excellent.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Pharmacists is very good. Very good. Pharmacists, no?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands. In time,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49they made money out of this, they began to buy land, they began
0:23:49 > 0:23:54to grow crops on it, and eventually they became what we know as farmers.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56The very first-ever farmers, in our sense of the word,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02So farmers are actually tax collectors.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Anybody know any of these? Osman?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09- Oh, that's a good one.- Yes?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11If you go back a couple of generations,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17so it could be a rag and bone man.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Oh, that's fun.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Yeah, so it was an Osman.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Knatchbull?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them
0:24:23 > 0:24:25before they get slaughtered.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- With a spoon.- And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Yeah, a massive spoon.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:33What about a Warner?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Is that a sort of health and safety inspector?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Is it someone who makes yellow cards?- No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- That's a football joke. - A football joke, OK.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Hang on two seconds.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00What about a Dickman, what do you reckon?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03And a Kellogg?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Cereal killer?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Yes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Yes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher.- Oh, OK.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Andy Murray.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25KLAXON
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32KLAXON Sampras?
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Great Uncle Bulgaria.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Is it... Is it a croquet player?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Yes! It is a croquet player.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Absolutely right.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Yeah. Aah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon
0:25:49 > 0:25:53champion of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54So if you think about it,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Navratilova won Wimbledon singles nine times, he won 38 times.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01He only took the sport up at the age of 40.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Smacks of a drug cheat, that.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14What do you have to press on the red button to get coverage of the croquet?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- I've got a bit of croquet here. So.- Oh.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Alan, what colour do you want to be?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Do you want to be red, or blue, or...?
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Black.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Black, here we go. - Can I be the iron?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I don't know why that's pleased me so much.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It went miles, it went miles, viewer.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46That'll be under someone's feet.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Croquet, it was an Olympic sport.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And it should be still.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51It was dropped after 1900,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54because only one person turned up to watch, so...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to
0:26:58 > 0:27:02take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03So there were seven men and three women.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And it was thought to be rather racy,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19"and consequences would include absence from church,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"immoral conduct and eventually ruin."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- True though.- That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I love that. But I love that.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Anybody know the connection between croquet and Pall Mall,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35the great street in London?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37They played croquet upon it?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Yes, they did. It is, in fact, where croquet comes from.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43And both Pall Mall
0:27:43 > 0:27:47and the Mall were designed specifically to play this game.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48They whacked the ball up the course,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended hoop
0:27:51 > 0:27:54at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Can I have my things back, please?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores.
0:28:03 > 0:28:10In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15CHEERING
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Performing adequately, with minus five, it's Richard.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20- CHEERING - Thank you.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24On a final warning, with minus seven, Deirdre.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:30And clearing their desk, with minus 49 points...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- What?- Alan!
0:28:34 > 0:28:38CHEERING
0:28:42 > 0:28:44And of course we have a prize for our winner.
0:28:44 > 0:28:51This week's objectionable object is this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Lovely.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Thank you and goodnight.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE