0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42So my first question is about ova, spelt O-V-A.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46You can't learn to ski-jump without breaking legs
0:00:46 > 0:00:50and you can't make an omelette without?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- BOTH:- Breaking eggs.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Yeah!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- And we're off and running.- What?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Yes.- But you're going to show us how you can.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01You can make an omelette without breaking eggs into a pan,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03it's called a golden egg, as we shall demonstrate.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06What you need to do is...
0:01:06 > 0:01:07- Get a chicken. - LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- An egg.- It's in a pair of tights. - Well, it's in a stocking.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- A stocking, oh, right. - So I'm going to pass this to you
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and what you need to do is you need basically to break the membrane that
0:01:15 > 0:01:19is round the egg yolk, that is called the vitelline membrane,
0:01:19 > 0:01:20that's the protein fibres.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And what you do is you spin it, like this, and you're trying
0:01:23 > 0:01:25to shake the egg... LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Actually one of the good things, when you let go
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- it does that.- I've got a very expensive suit on at this point.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER Ah, OK. Just spin it gently,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33would be the thing, yes. LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I don't think we've ever had anybody who's worn expensive clothing
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on this show before. LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Woohoo!
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It is a really cheap children's toy, isn't it?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Have you broken yours? LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:55You spin it and you mix up the egg inside the shell.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Right.- It's actually quite tough to do.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"I canna make it go any further, Jim!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER And then you boil it and it will...
0:02:03 > 0:02:06When you remove the shell, it will reveal that it is an omelette.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08That's what a man looks like...
0:02:08 > 0:02:09- That's a bloke, innit?- ..in tights.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I'm sure we could ask Grayson.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Is this what a man looks like in tights?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Grayson, I'm so sorry. - I tell you, if my skirt
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- was any shorter.- Yes.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Let's have a look at the below-the-desk cam.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, there we go!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Which is the odd one out out of these four?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39- Mmm...well...- Three.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Number three? SIREN BLARES
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Not number three. - I mean, this feels like this is...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- I can't... Yeah.- I think the last one that we pick is going to be
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- the good one, right? - Do you think?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- One. - SIREN BLARES
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Aw! LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Does someone get paid when that sound effect goes off?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- LAUGHTER - It feels like somebody...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58SIREN BLARES
0:02:58 > 0:03:00APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:07They've been waiting 15 years for that gag.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13There are lots of what we call augmented animals,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15so animals who make themselves look a bit different.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24What?!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Oh, my God!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That is hoarding gone mad.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and as a false target for any would-be predators.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Yeah. Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Found in Australia and New Zealand.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Isn't it wonderful? - That's incredible.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49He doesn't even need that.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Look...look how much you'd remember him anyway.- Yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You know the one, do you remember the guy? You met him last week.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57He had five heads on his... Five heads as a hat.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Five Head Gary, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Is this a sardine or a pilchard?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Bill?- Pilchard.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10SIREN
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- OK.- Is that the name, the pilchard? - Try again.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14MUSIC PLAYS Yes?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- Sardine.- Sardine, yeah!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17SIREN
0:04:18 > 0:04:20So... MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:20 > 0:04:21- Yes?- Dolphin!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27If it were an optical illusion, it would be red.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It would therefore be a red...?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Snapper!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Easy, easy. - Wow!- Easy.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I want that as a ring tone.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Wow.- "Snapper!"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I've got a text.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I am aroused.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- That is fantastic.- Wow! - Be brilliant that, as a gif.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Make that into a gif.- Oh, Nellie.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- "Snapper!"- Again, again. Again...
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Can you do it one more time, Claudia?- ..but right in my face.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Very loud, quick snapper, come on.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Come on. Ready?- I am ready.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Yeah. Go on.- So, if it was an optical illusion and it was red, it would be a red...?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04- SNAP...! - SHE LAUGHS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06APPLAUSE
0:05:12 > 0:05:14So the etymology of "ocean",
0:05:14 > 0:05:16anybody know where it comes from?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Billy, it's named after Billy.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Billy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's Greek, Oceanus.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24The great river or sea surrounding, well,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27the only known land masses at the time, which is Eurasia and Africa,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and the river was personified by Oceanus,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32son of Uranus for the earth, and Gaia from the sky.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34A muscular fellow, wasn't he?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37He looks like he owns, like, a Shoreditch coffee bar.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"we've got the stuff made by weasels.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49"We've got..."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52He was married to his sister.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59How many kids do you think they had, he and his sister Tethys?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Three kids, six heads.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:13There's another one, which is a beetle that lives in the Costa Rican rain forest.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's called Nymphister kronaueri,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20So, that looks like it's just an ant,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22but the bit that is a protrusion,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30And what it does is, it bites onto the ant and then it rides around
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- disguised as an army ant's bottom. - Wow.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- What a life.- We've all done it! - What a life, I know!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Do you think the ant knows what's happening...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43..why it's got an extra bum?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- "the piles are back?"- Yeah.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Well, it would keep going like that, wouldn't it?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Yeah. "What the hell is that?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"There's something, I'm sure there's something..."
0:06:55 > 0:06:56And the beetle's like that...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Oooh...- Suddenly, you're the Kardashian of ants.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Oh, no, no.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"You never see me."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- And every now and then it goes... - HE HUMS
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Can you hear something? I can hear something!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12But then the ant will shit in its face.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Oh, you ruined it!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"You were behind me, you stupid beetle!"
0:07:18 > 0:07:20All the other ants are going, "You don't,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"you haven't put on any weight, you look fine!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26And then the five head caterpillar going,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse!"
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"Well he can't possibly be living down there."
0:07:31 > 0:07:32"He is, he's on his arse."
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."
0:07:36 > 0:07:37"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"Yes, there's a beetle, I can see it from here."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"Swap places, swap places."
0:07:41 > 0:07:42"Oh, hold on..."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Oh, there is, oh, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48"Go and have a look."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Now, doctors, what's your diagnosis here?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He'd fallen asleep on a stag do.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- He was running a circus school... - The world's worst.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15..and his students hated him.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17It's a party game, is it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Pin the sword on the nutter.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26So, this is possibly one of the earliest anatomical drawings for medics.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28He was known as the Wound Man.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It's a medieval image, first printed in a book, 1491, in Venice.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36It's all the various things, so he's been injured, if you look there,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38with daggers, he's been shot with arrows, he's been lacerated,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41he's been stung by bees, scorpions, been clubbed in the head,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43bitten by a dog, scratched by thorns,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46blasted by cannonballs, he's definitely got plague and bad spots,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and he appears to have a toad in his stomach.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51So it's, as it were, the contents page to the book.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52What a shame, though, for a guy
0:08:52 > 0:08:55who obviously looks after himself and goes to the gym...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59..to go down like that.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00- He eats paleo.- Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You know, he's really healthy, thought he'd have a long life,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- and then...- All of those things happen to him.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08He's a curious contradiction, though, cos he doesn't
0:09:08 > 0:09:11look after his appearance enough to remove a sword from his head.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13No.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But he does buy his underwear in Agent Provocateur.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19They're quite snug.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21They are on the tight side, aren't they?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Yeah. Ironically, that's the most pain he's in.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31It's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite...
0:09:35 > 0:09:39OK, let's have a look at our skeletons.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42And who's going to start with number one,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and be specific, please?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Its teeth haven't come through.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47You're absolutely right, it's a child,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, no, it's not that cute kid!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54It's not that child, is it?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56No, it's not that child, OK?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's another child that we don't care about!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But that, that poor kid is a model,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and then his parents might be just flicking through the TV
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and they're like, "Argh!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21You can see the teeth waiting to come through there.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So the process of the old teeth being pushed out
0:10:23 > 0:10:24is called exfoliation.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27We moved house recently, and behind the U-bend under the sink,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31we found this tobacco tin full of children's teeth.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- Oh, my God.- Yeah, yeah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Is that where the Tooth Fairy puts them?- Yes!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And I didn't know what we should do with them, and I felt really bad,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41cos they were obviously the people who lived in the house before us,
0:10:41 > 0:10:42and it's like a family heirloom.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45So I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47and they were like, "Yeah, sure." And I...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I sent it to them, and I felt really good about myself,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and then I was talking to my other neighbour,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56and she said, "That's so weird, cos they didn't have children."
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh, my God.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05So I just sent a complete stranger a tin of children's teeth.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Right, moving on...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13This is absolutely true.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I'm the only person I know who has a mark on their hand
0:11:16 > 0:11:18from setting fire to a condom.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah, don't do this, OK.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I was making a retractable knife for a play at university,
0:11:22 > 0:11:26and I had conceived the idea that a condom inside the mechanism
0:11:26 > 0:11:28would stop it making a sort of clunking noise.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Anyway, it didn't. And I didn't know then that condoms
0:11:31 > 0:11:33come in packs of five, but I'd used one, so I thought,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"Well, I can't even make a glove for washing-up,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"so what shall I do with the other four?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And I didn't want people to find them in my room.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42So I thought, "Well, I'll set fire to it."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So I got a match and I held the condom like this,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and if you set fire to the end of a condom, the tight bit at the end,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49it separates itself from the rest of the condom,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51flies in a little arc and embeds itself in your hand.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'm just warning you now.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Why didn't you just put them in the bin, Sandi?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Stuff them in a chicken, that's what I'd do.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Stuff them in a chicken?!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What, one that's just walking past?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Good hiding place for stuff, isn't it, chickens?- Chickens?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I'd stuff the chicken in it and use it as a nice roasting bag.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Keep the juices in,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17they're definitely not going to escape at the end.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19But at some point, the end of the condom's going to separate
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and burst itself through the oven door.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And that's how you know the chicken's ready!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25APPLAUSE
0:12:28 > 0:12:31What we're going to do now is we're going to test out
0:12:31 > 0:12:33how a dog does on sniffing things out.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I have here some contraband,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37which I am going to give to you, Alan.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- OK.- And what I would like you to do is put it in your pocket.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Put it in my... - And go and hide in the audience.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Go and hide in Croydon.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49So the audience have got special masks to put on,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52so if they could put, those who've got masks could put them on.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Oh, my God!- It's terrifying.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Argh, it's like a sea of... It's awful.- It's completely terrifying!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Oh, God!- Now this is a very special episode of Jonathan Creek.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- There you go. - I never thought I'd be involved
0:13:06 > 0:13:07in a live game of Where's Wally.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13OK. We now welcome, please, to the studio, from the RAF Police,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Corporal Sam Robson Rodriguez and Rex.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Sam, thank you so much for coming in
0:13:28 > 0:13:30and supplying us with the dummy contraband.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Tell me about Rex, and what his job is?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Well, Rex is a five-year-old black lab.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37His main job is to search for drugs,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39anywhere we want to put him, basically.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42And how's he trained? How do you make him be able to do that?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Well, we start searching for, like, their toys,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and then we just associate the toys with the drugs.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Then, in their head, they'll think they're searching for their toy,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51whereas in fact we want them to search for drugs.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And how many scents can Rex recognise, do you think?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55He's trained in all the main scents,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57and basically anything that you can make out of that.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- So he looks keen to get going. - He does.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Right, Sam, please, over to you, my lovely.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yeah, thank you very much.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Rex. Come here.- I do hope nobody in the audience has got anything.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Do you know what? I really hope somebody does.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16That would be...wouldn't that just be the best bit of telly ever,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19if you just...if he dragged someone to the floor and just,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21just dragged them out?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23A live drug bust on QI.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26He's so far ignoring everybody.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28So that's good for that side.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33How will he...how will he show, if he knows?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36They have either a stand indication or a sit indication.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh. Is he sniffing your crotch, Alan?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Is it in your left pocket? - Oh, my God!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Let's have a round of applause, please, for Rex and Sam.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Sam and Rex, very good, thank you very much.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00When is it cool to wet your pants?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Is it when it's, like, in a hot situation?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Obviously, we're going to be, yes, somewhere hot.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Is it to do with jellyfish, you know, when you have to pee on a...?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Cos my daughter got stung by a jellyfish in South Africa.- Right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15And she was crying, really upset, and so I pulled my tankini,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18which is what older women wear instead of a bikini,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I pulled it to the side to pee,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22and the sight of my pulled-to-the-side gusset
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- fully stopped her crying. - Yes, I would imagine.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It worked really well.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- And she begged me not to pee on the sting.- No.- Is it to do...? No?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Does she still have dreams about this?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33She does, yeah, and, you know, we're working on it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- It's best. OK. - We're working it through.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I think we're all going to have dreams about it, aren't we?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Now, name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45- BOTH:- Panda!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47SIREN
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Hey!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Not so, why?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Bill, any idea? - Well, they're not that endangered.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56They're no longer endangered.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, they're all over the place.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- They're vulnerable.- You can't go in any shopping centre in London
0:16:01 > 0:16:03without them taking up all the seats.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Yeah.- Elephants eat bamboo, is there a right answer?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07There is a right answer, but it isn't panda,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10because they are no longer designated as endangered.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Tree sloths. - It's a golden bamboo...?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14- ..eater.- ..lemur.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- There, look, how cute is that?- Aww.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Look at his little face!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Aah, look, cute. - And then a bird of prey!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23HE SCREECHES
0:16:25 > 0:16:27There's only the two of us left now!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Phone the World Wildlife Fund. Stop eating the bamboo!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That's why they see us!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42We're making the same mistakes again and again and again!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44We need to adapt to new habitats!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I love bamboo, I bloody love it!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54You can do so much with it. You can grill it, you can fry it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57You can chop it up and...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03It's a very flexible plant, everyone knows that!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07There's loads of it, why are we dying out?!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- We should be thriving. - We're not having enough sex.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13No.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14It doesn't really look like bamboo, though,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I mean, it looks like he's crimping the end of a joint.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"Right, OK, come on everyone."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- The Camberwell Carrot.- Yeah.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Now, you'll need to sort the sheep from the goats.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36So let's play...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45This has really dumbed down, hasn't it?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I like it, I like it.- This show used to be something. I mean...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53What is the difference between a sheep and a goat?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I think it's something that they do, rather than what they look like.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01The simplest way to tell them apart is that goats' tails point upwards.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02That is the easiest way.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04It's almost like they're asking for it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Don't listen to him, he's a bad man!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- That is a kind of...- That's why they have the horns, right?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- That's the whole point of the horns. - Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Don't listen to him, either!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17They're both terrible men.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20So sorry.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23So another clear distinction is kind of a martial arts style.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27So rams back up and charge in order to butt heads,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29whereas billies will rear up. Look at that, that's fantastic.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32They'll rear up on their hind legs and try and nut their opponent there.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Oh, OK.- And when the two species fight each other,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38the ram style gives an advantage, cos he hits the billy in the middle,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- amidships, there.- But also, another difference between them is,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43they look different.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49They look different. Spelt differently.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Tails.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- They have different names. - Different names.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OK. Let's find out whether you're right,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58whether it is in fact cos they look different, as we play,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Sorting The Sheep From The Goats!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I'm telling you, Jimmy, you're going to be hosting this
0:19:10 > 0:19:11before long. This quiz show.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14OK, here we go, first picture.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15- Goat.- Sheep, sheep.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17SIREN
0:19:18 > 0:19:19In your face!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You had it, it's a sheep.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23The giveaway is the long, floppy ears there.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24That's definitely a sheep. OK.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- And the fact that it's a sheep. - All right.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Next one.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Ah...- Oh.- Sheep.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31SIREN
0:19:31 > 0:19:32It looks it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Ha-ha, ha-ha!
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Colin, say the opposite of what it looks like, I think that's the game.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40- Say the opposite.- A dog.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It's an angora goat.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Next one. What are going for?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I'm saying sheep, cos it looks like a goat.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48OK, the main reason we know it's a sheep is cos the tail is down.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Tail's down!- Oh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54OK. Next one. What do we reckon about this one?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Pig sheep.- It is a pig.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03It's a curly-coated Mangalitza from Austria or the borders of Hungary.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Actually, the really extraordinary thing was,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I talked about sheep's tails hanging down,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09so about a quarter of the world's sheep
0:20:09 > 0:20:11are what they call fat-tailed varieties.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13They store fat in their tails.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Whoa!- They've got booties. - Yeah, just like a camel stores fat.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Can we show that?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What should I do if I spill red wine on the tablecloth?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26So, gentlemen,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I'm going to give you a tablecloth
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and you've got some wine between you.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35All right, there we go.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37If you think any of it's going on the tablecloth,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39you are sadly mistaken.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I've had drinks with you before, and I suspect I am not mistaken.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- OK, so...- Pouring the red on.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Do a bit of red on. - A little bit of red on there.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56OK. Now, what would you do about that?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!" What are you going to do?- Oh!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Get me some white wine, get some white wine.- White.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03SIREN
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Can we try it, at least? - You can give it a go, yeah.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I mean, it's a bit unfair to give us white wine and then have a go at us
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- for mentioning it, but... - Yeah. OK, have a go.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- So...- It's gone, it's gone!- Yes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So, it will dilute the stain,
0:21:21 > 0:21:22but it contains complex sugars.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's perfectly possible that the white wine will discolour the cloth.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29So you two, you've got a bit of carpet that you've spilled yours on.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I have seen that work, though.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32- Spill a bit of red. - Shall I spill it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Yeah, go on. It's Liberty Hall.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36- There we go.- Oh, God.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Red on the carpet... Wow, you just went crazy!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You assumed that you were doing just the one experiment did you, Holly?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46And you were going to get it right first time out of the gate?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Right, Jason, what are you going to do?- I've got all sorts here, so...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- OK, go, yes.- I think there's some, is that soda water?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Yes. That's...- Is it water? - Yes.- Maybe a bit of salt?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56OK, you were doing...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58SIREN
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Not salt?- Not salt.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Salt will absorb the wine initially, but it's also a fixative.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05So unless you manage to get all the salt out, it's possible
0:22:05 > 0:22:08that what you're actually doing is making the stain permanent.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Well, this is...this is doing a good job.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I mean, I'm getting... - So the tip is, blot it...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- I'd open the vinegar. - So, again, the vinegar,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16frankly no better than water, and extremely expensive.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- What's this, then? - No better than water.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22It's also acidic, so it's going to possibly discolour the cloth.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25It's going through the desk! It's going through the desk!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Argh, it's like Alien!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So the tip is...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Get Ripley!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- The tip is to... Oh, no. - Sorry, I splashed you.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Well, that's put that fire out.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- That didn't work, Sandi. - That didn't work, no.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51What you need to do is blot it with kitchen paper.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I was going to take this notebook home.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Well, that's sorted that out, that's...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05What did the Nazis call this?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Um...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Aaah...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Aah. Who's going to go for it?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14- Stephen?- The future!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Not, I'm told they didn't call it a swastika?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28They did not call it the swastika. They called it the Hakenkreuz.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30It's the German for "hooked cross",
0:23:30 > 0:23:32and in Germany, in fact, it's still referred to,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35except when discussing it in a neo-Nazi context,
0:23:35 > 0:23:36in which case it's called the swastika.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37But Hitler was mad for it.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39And after his party adopted the swastika,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42he actually changed his signature to S Hitler,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45because the shape of the S mimicked, there, you can see there,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- it mimicked the shape of the swastika.- "Sadolf."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Yes, Sadolf.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Sadolf Shitler.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Do you know what? I've never seen it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Oh, Josh!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Oh, really, never?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06You've never seen the...?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09# You are 16, going on 17. #
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune. And...
0:24:11 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Do you know, I was once lucky enough to meet Julie Andrews.- Oh, wow.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24It's the only time in my entire life I've been completely speechless.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Cos she wouldn't shut up?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29She just kept asking me what my favourite things were, it was very annoying.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- I'm not laughing, cos I don't know...- Do you like string?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Do you like 'em tied up with string?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I bet you do, girl, I bet you do!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42What's a deer, what's a female deer? Come on!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Oh, Julie, leave me alone!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I'll get the puppets out, I'll get the puppets out.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Do you want to see the goatherd?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- FALSETTO:- # High on the hill. # It wasn't me singing!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# High on the hill. #
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I'm Maria, I'll be back with you, I'm Maria.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04What's up, Julie? God!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I'll be honest, I understood none of that.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20If you were on the moon and you jumped off...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Yes?- Would you land on the Earth?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Hold on, hold on, what are you doing on the moon, anyway?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Well, I don't know, maybe... - Have you been left behind by a spacecraft?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yeah. You got an Uber and it went horribly wrong.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32It depends which side you're on.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I just think, if you jumped off the moon, you would just fall,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- and you'd land on Earth. - Yeah. I don't think you'd be in a great state.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I mean, I think you'd be like Wound Man,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- by the time you got down. - Yeah, you would.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45They know about space. This is my problem with the sea.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Right.- They can tell us all kinds of things about planets and space
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and other galaxies, they've been to the moon, allegedly, but they've...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:55..not been to the bottom of the sea.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- I've been to the bottom of the sea, in part of it.- Have you?- Yes.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- What's down there?- My feet.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07The fact is, nobody knows for sure
0:26:07 > 0:26:11how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15OK, in theory, how fast can this boat sail?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17OK. Oh, the jib's broken.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh hang on a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Oh, there we are. OK. Do it again. - Is it depending on the wind?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Yes, one moment, hold that thought and I'll do it again.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26OK, nobody knows for sure
0:26:26 > 0:26:28how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30In theory, how fast...?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Something about wind!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Oh, how unusual, a boy who came before I was ready.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Sorry.- Sorry, sorry.- Sorry.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Put your glasses on.- Sorry, it's happened again, sorry.- Back to square one.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- I'll see you tomorrow, same time. - See you tomorrow, bloody...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I'm going to do it again.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11OK, baby!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Well, you know what to do, don't you?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm ready, ready. Come on.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24On and on and...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Just in an hour. - Right. OK, here we go.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30All right, then, I'm ready, I'm ready, baby.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Say the words, lady.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Bill, shut the fuck up!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Claudia, I'm going to bring out a yacht.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46I'm excited about it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And you're going to say, "Is it something to do with the wind?"
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I want to do it!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- I'm doing it!- OK.- Go ahead. - Shush! Put your wine away,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57put your wine away.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00God, it's bloody, it's just like being at school.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Put your wine away."
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Take your blindfold off.- Yeah. Shut up, put your wine away.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Shut up, put your wine away! God! I'll tell you what...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- Happiest days of our lives. - Bloody hell!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Bovington Gurney Primary was a rough school of hard knocks,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I'm telling you.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"Here, Bailey, put your wine away and shut the fuck up!"
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Right. Quiet!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Here we go. Nobody knows for sure
0:28:32 > 0:28:35how to separate the sardines from the pilchards.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36In theory...
0:28:36 > 0:28:38LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40..how fast can this boat sail?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Claudia, what do you think?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Is it...?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- Has it got something to do with wind?- Yes!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:52 > 0:28:56LAUGHTER