0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to QI, tonight...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38SHE IMITATES BUBBLES
0:00:38 > 0:00:40..we are setting sail.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41LAUGHTER
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I do all me own effects.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Tonight, we are setting sail for the open oceans, so without further ado,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50let's meet our crew.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Floundering about, it's David Mitchell!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Just for the "halibut", Aisling Bea!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09All over the "plaice", Joe Lycett!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And never mind the "pollocks",
0:01:16 > 0:01:18it's Alan Davies!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Right, let's hear their call signs.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27David goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31MUSIC: How Deep Is The Ocean? by Irving Berlin
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Aisling goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36MUSIC: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Tune!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Joe goes...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43SKA VERSION: I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside
0:01:46 > 0:01:48..and Alan goes...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51KIDS SING: Row, Row, Row Your Boat
0:01:54 > 0:01:56We were all so happy!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Agh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Right, we start off with how many oceans are there on Earth?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08- Oh... No...- Six!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09I can count them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12KLAXON BLARES
0:02:13 > 0:02:15First time on the show.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Straight into that trap. Any more?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- Five.- Five!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22KLAXON BLARES
0:02:22 > 0:02:23One!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25One is the correct answer.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Well, they're all joined, aren't they?- That is the reason! Indeed.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30According to America's National Oceanic
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and Atmospheric Administration, there's only one ocean.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37It's the World Ocean and it covers 71% of the world's surface.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So, to make it a bit more convenient,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42they divide it into four smaller oceans - the Pacific, the Atlantic,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45the Indian and the Arctic.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And the US Board on Geographic Names recognises the Southern,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50that's the Antarctic Ocean as a fifth,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54but the International Hydrographic Organisation
0:02:54 > 0:02:55has not yet approved it,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and I imagine there's going to be a fight.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Largest ocean in the solar system, anybody?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04In the solar system?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- What do we reckon?- It's not going to be an ocean with water in it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Well, that is the thing that we do not know.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's one of the moons.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Is it the one...?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Eucalyptus?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- What's it called? - Titan. It's bound to be Titan.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- That's the only moon.- Euripides? - Europa.- Europa.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm going to give you an extra point for that, because, yeah, very good.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Absolutely.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27APPLAUSE
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It's Jupiter's moon, Europa.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31The Hubble Telescope has detected a water plume
0:03:31 > 0:03:34which is 20 times higher than Mount Everest.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38So, possibly there is three times as much water on Europa
0:03:38 > 0:03:40as there is in the World Ocean.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- If it's water. - If... It's hard to say.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- We don't know what... It could be custard.- Yes!- Famously.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Jupiter custard.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51If it's custard, where were the eggs sourced?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Are you worrying about the organic nature of Jupiter?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No, I wouldn't mind if it's sort of powdered custard,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59but either way, you've got to think,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01where's the vanilla come from? The eggs?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You've got to think about it scientifically.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07That's one of the things that means it probably isn't custard.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Yes.- That's why they've jumped to water.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I'm examining it properly.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Please don't let this be caught by you, this system that David employs.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I like powdered custard.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- AISLING:- Well, you heard it here first.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25How has this happened to me?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31So, the etymology of ocean? Anybody know where it comes from?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Billy, it's named after Billy. - Billy!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38It's great Oceanus, the great river or sea surrounding...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well, the only known land masses at the time,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Eurasia and Africa and the river was personified by Oceanus,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47son of Uranus for the Earth and Gaia from the sky.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50A big muscular fella, wasn't he?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- AISLING:- He looks like he owns like a Shoreditch coffee bar.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"We've got the stuff made by weasels, we've got..."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And he was married to his sister!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14How many kids do you think they had? He and his sister Tethys.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Three kids, six heads.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:266,000.
0:05:26 > 0:05:286,000. 3,000 boy river gods and...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Were they all like tadpoles?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, 3,000 girl sea nymphs.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35There's no picture of her cos she just couldn't sit still.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41There's just one ocean on Earth
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and that's why it's called the ocean.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45I call it the sea.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I think the ocean is a bit of an Americanism.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I think we should have waited till Series S.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Right, moving on, what's the scariest thing about this?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06MUSIC: Theme from Jaws
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Isn't that incredible?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14What is the most scary thing about it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- DAVID AND ALAN:- The teeth.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17KLAXON BLARES
0:06:19 > 0:06:21The fact that they can't go backwards.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23SILENCE
0:06:23 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I'm sorry, that takes them a bit long to type!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32KLAXON BLARES
0:06:32 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- What's scary is subjective, really, isn't it?- What is the scariest?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Well, our perception of sharks
0:06:48 > 0:06:51is apparently shaped by footage in nature documentaries,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55which tends to be accompanied by ominous music.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00So, they did a study at the University of California,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and they showed three clips of sharks to participants.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05So, the one that we've just seen, with the ominous music,
0:07:05 > 0:07:06here's one with silence.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"Hello, my friend!"
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19HE IMITATES RUFFLING A DOG
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Ahhhhhhhhh...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- # Ahhhhh-h-h-h-h! # - Have a look at this.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33HE VOCALISES
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Do you know what, there's a whole show for you, Alan,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40in just doing fish impersonations.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44We had the trout faking her orgasm last series.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45They've done that.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Different orgasm, same trout.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Can you do shark that has a orgasm?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02HE LAUGHS
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Ahh... Ah, oh!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Mildly surprised!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19they haven't learned about orgasms
0:08:19 > 0:08:21or experimented with themselves, I imagine.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Then, when they have an orgasm the first time,
0:08:23 > 0:08:24it must be very alarming.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26My worry is watching you do them
0:08:26 > 0:08:29that you haven't seen someone have one before.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Ohhh-oh!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Ohhh-oh! Oh-oh!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's not accurate for the second or the third time,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45then they're much more, ahhhhh...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Ah...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Aaaah...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Is everything OK at home, Alan?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Anyway!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Let's have a look at the same clip with uplifting music.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05MUSIC: Morning from Peer Gynt by Edvard Grieg
0:09:12 > 0:09:14But here's the thing, they aren't actually that dangerous.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And the thought is that the ominous nature of documentaries
0:09:17 > 0:09:19leads the public to have a distrust of sharks and that, in turn,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21harms their conservation funding.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25The truth is sharks kill, worldwide, about six people a year,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and the same number are killed by livestock in Britain alone.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33So, a cow more likely to do you in than a shark.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Ants, they kill 30 people a year.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Jellyfish...- What, how?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Luring them across the road.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Which do you think is the most dangerous out of all those animals,
0:09:50 > 0:09:51in terms of human deaths?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Well, I know hippos are real psychos.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Yeah, it is the hippo. Absolutely, they kill...
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Psychos!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"That hippo's a psycho, man!"
0:09:59 > 0:10:022,900 people a year are killed by hippos.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Really?- Compare that to six people killed by sharks.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You are 1,000 times more likely to drown in the sea
0:10:07 > 0:10:11than you are to be bitten by a shark even in an area with sharks.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You know that wonderful tune written by John Williams,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14the two-note theme to Jaws?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17He described it as "grinding away at you just as a shark would do
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"instinctual, relentless and unstoppable."
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Benchley actually has a shark named after him.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Etmopterus benchleyi.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's not exactly a killer, it's about 30-50cm long,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30also known as ninja lantern shark.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32It's fairly recently discovered,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34it lives off the coast of Central America.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37We don't have one obviously in the studio.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40But I have a life-size cut-out. It looks like that. It's rather sweet.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42That's the size it is in real life?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45That's the size of the one that Peter Benchley, who wrote Jaws,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- has got named after him. - That is pathetic.- Yeah?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49This is a shark.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:58HE IMITATES JAWS THEME
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Rar!- But see, you couldn't help yourself but do the music,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04you immediately went... ALL IMITATE JAWS THEME
0:11:04 > 0:11:06So he looks really nice and friendly there.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09He looks rather sweet.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It's got a lot of things on the side that says you shouldn't do.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15But it doesn't say don't swim with actual sharks.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17That is not the smallest shark, though,
0:11:17 > 0:11:18the one named after Benchley.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20The dwarf lantern shark is the smallest,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22and it grows to only about 15 centimetres.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Aw!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I'd say, you know, a couple of those on a pizza, a bit of tomato.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Their stomach organs emit light
0:11:30 > 0:11:33to camouflage them from creatures below, so it makes them
0:11:33 > 0:11:35blend into the sunlight that streams from the light above.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37My favourite shark that I've ever seen was Joe Lycett
0:11:37 > 0:11:39in a swimming pool in Canada.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41We were doing a gig there together and you have, you know,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- your little, like...- Oh, yeah.- Your shark that he does in the pool.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46And... But you don't see Joe coming.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And then he goes... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:11:49 > 0:11:52SHE IMITATES RIFF: I Love You Baby
0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:57There was a gay Jaws, as well, that I did,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59which was # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oooh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Scared of me?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Shut up!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Did you know that female sharks can reproduce without male contact?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Finally!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Living the dream.- It is almost impossible to sneak up on a shark,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and that's because they have eyes on the side of their head.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29They can see behind them just as well as they can see in front.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30I'm very...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:37So, they've got two blind spots.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39One directly in front of them, and one behind.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'm interested that someone has worked out
0:12:42 > 0:12:46how difficult it is to sneak up on a shark.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49That would involve someone seeing a shark and thinking,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"I tell you what, I'm going to sneak up on it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"I'm going to give that shark the fright of its life."
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- Who...- "Do you know, it's really difficult to sneak up on them!"
0:13:01 > 0:13:03The kid's going... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... #
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Who would like to see a shark which can bite chunks
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- out of a submarine? Who would like to see?- Yeah. Yes, please.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12OK, I don't even... Alan, can you lift that up, darling?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14It's very heavy. Here we have...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16ALAN GROANS
0:13:16 > 0:13:18So butch.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I shat that out earlier.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:30There it is, I don't know if you can...if you can see it that well.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39You're going to be so sorry, because the expert who's brought that in
0:13:39 > 0:13:41is about to speak to us, and you're going to be mortified.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It is about 18 inches long and...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50In fact, we have a number of things.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Please welcome Chris Bird from Southampton University,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and Ali Hood of the Shark Trust. Who are sitting just over there.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Chris, let's start with the one in the jar.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Is it true it could bite a chunk out of a submarine?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Yeah, there's certainly historical evidence
0:14:07 > 0:14:09of them biting through the rubber coverings of submarines
0:14:09 > 0:14:12and cables on undersea cameras and things like that.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- So what is this one called? - That's the cookie cutter shark.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- And why's it called that? - It leaves these really distinctive
0:14:18 > 0:14:21kind of cookie-cutter bite marks on its prey.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24So, it usually eats whales and big fish.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And it will suck onto the side of them, bore out a cookie cutter hole,
0:14:28 > 0:14:29and then swim off.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35And sometimes it confuses submarines and cameras and cables for...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Right...- ..their prey. - And could it hurt a person?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39There's been one case of a person being eaten
0:14:39 > 0:14:42whilst they were swimming at night between two islands.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Now, Ali, let me just talk about this,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46because I have sometimes found these on a beach.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Tell me what it is. Is this a UK...?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Yes, yes, we have oviparous - egg-laying -
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- sharks and skates in the UK. - So what is this? This is a...?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- That's...- That one is the egg case of a flapper skate.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01It's found up in Scotland, around the north of Ireland.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03And that's one of the largest skates globally.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It grows to two to three metres across its wingspan.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Some people call them mermaids' purses, but it's sharks' eggs,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- isn't it?- Yeah, shark and skate and ray eggs, yeah.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And when you find them they're all empty, is that right?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Generally, they're empty. If they're not, you'll know,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- cos they'll be quite stinky. - And this one here?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19The smaller species you have there are skate.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Or we call them rays.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22If they've got curly tendrils...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Yes...- ..those are cat shark egg cases,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26so we have three egg-laying sharks in British waters.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29And people could just find these on the beach for themselves?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Yeah.- OK. Ali and Chris, thank you so very much. How wonderful.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Would you like me to put my shark away?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yes, please, darling. Sorry, Alan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Goodbye, old friend.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Right, what's the biggest thing in the ocean
0:15:50 > 0:15:51that you've never heard of?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Well, I mean, we've never heard of it,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56so it's difficult for us to name.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Yes. That is true.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Yeah, so...- Shall we have a stab at it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- Yes.- The sherdobleh.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03That's what I was going to say.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# Row your boat... # Blue whale.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07KLAXON BLARES
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I mean, they're astonishing, up to 98 feet, 170 tonnes,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16but I want one you've never heard of.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Row your boat... #
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Red whale.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It's called the ocean sunfish.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27The common mola.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30It is essentially a giant head covered in mucus.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- AISLING GROANS - Oh, God!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34We've all been there!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:38They spend most of their time sunbathing
0:16:38 > 0:16:40on the surface of the ocean.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43One of these adults can literally weigh a tonne.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48And they grow to be 60 million times heavier than their larvae,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51so that would be like a human baby becoming an adult
0:16:51 > 0:16:53the size of six Titanics.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Apparently, they're just not aggressive in any way.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58There's only one human death attributed to a mola,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and that is a man who was accidentally flattened
0:17:01 > 0:17:02by one leaping.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06What size are they, then?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09About six by eight foot, but really it's like having a car come at you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- It's like a sort of Cadillac. - Whoa! God, they are big.- Yeah.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Where would you find one?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16They like it warm, darling.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18You're not going to find it round the British coast.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19They're very strong swimmers
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and they can dive down to a fantastic depth of 2,600 metres.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27And the females produce as many as 300 million eggs at a time, but...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30only two survive.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Aww.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Yeah. I don't know...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35We feel bad, we're invested now in the mola.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It looks like it's not finished.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40They've sort of gone like,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"Just squeeze it in at the bottom. There, that'll be fine."
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's like the Good Lord went, "Er, it'll do."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Unfinished sculpture of a fish. - Yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Now, as an editor, what suggestions would you make to improve Moby Dick?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# The sea... #
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Yes?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I think it should have,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04like a feminist remake
0:18:04 > 0:18:06and it should be called Moby Fanny.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Do you want to give me any plot points at all?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18She still eats a man whole, um...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24The publisher who it was sent to, Peter J Bentley,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29rejected Herman Melville's Moby Dick because he didn't like the whale.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31This is what he wrote.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35"First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric plot device,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"we recommend an antagonist with a more popular visage
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"among the younger readers. For instance,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"could not the captain be struggling
0:18:46 > 0:18:50"with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?"
0:18:50 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Partly inspired by a real whale called Mocha Dick,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02a whale that was fantastically fussy about his coffee.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Well, Starbuck's a character in it, isn't he?- Yes, absolutely.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10So, it was a real whale, an albino sperm whale
0:19:10 > 0:19:11who swam alongside whaling boats
0:19:11 > 0:19:13and if the boats tried to attack Mocha Dick,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14he would then destroy them.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16In fact, when he was killed in 1839,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18they found 19 harpoons in his side.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It was a legendary whale.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Poor old Herman Melville,
0:19:22 > 0:19:273,715 copies of Moby Dick sold in his lifetime, and just 556.37,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30he died virtually unknown.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33And then in 2014, the Guardian named Moby Dick
0:19:33 > 0:19:36the 17th greatest novel of all time.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38So for an extra point, buzz in,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40who knows the first line of Moby Dick?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- "Call me Ishmael."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Call me Ishmael," absolutely right.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Some years ago, never mind how long precisely,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"having little or no money in my purse
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"and nothing particular to interest me on shore,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"I thought I would sail about a little
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"and see the watery part of the world."
0:19:55 > 0:19:57According to American Book Review,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00that is the number-one best sentence in the world.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm going to read out number two, and I will give a bonus point
0:20:03 > 0:20:05to anybody who interrupts to tell me where it's from.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"It's a truth universally acknowledged
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"that a single man in possession of a good fortune..."
0:20:10 > 0:20:12It's Jane Austen, isn't it? Pride And Prejudice?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Pride And Prejudice, you're absolutely right, yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"..must be in want of a wife."
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Have you got anything lower down,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19like Harry Potter-ish that I can buzz in for?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Is the third one, "If it's custard..."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Now, what kind of bag were all British lifeboats
0:20:29 > 0:20:31required to carry until 1998?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33A ha-a-andba-a-a-ag.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37KLAXON BLARES
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Sick bag.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46KLAXON BLARES
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- A bag for life?- A bag for life!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- See?- That's very good... - See what I did there?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- It's a lifeboat, it's a bag for life.- That's very good.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Is it one of those wet bags that keeps things dry?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Well, it certainly has liquid in it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Ooh...- So, what kind of liquid might you take with you...?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Custard.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- A bag of custard. - A bag of custard.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11It's oil. They were known as wave-quelling bags,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14so oil was commonly used to calm troubled waters.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15I'm sure you've heard the expression.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It was kept in canvas bag, which was attached to the anchor,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and it worked by reducing the wave height and the sea spray,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25and lifeboats were required to carry oil bags until 1998.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28How much oil would you need to put in the water to stop a wave?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It's really a small amount.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So a single tablespoon of oil dropped onto a lake
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- can calm half an acre of water. - No, no, that's...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38What happens is it spreads out and forms a layer,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41which is one molecule thick, and that is enough to prevent
0:21:41 > 0:21:43the wind from whipping up the waves onto the surface.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46This is something that has been known about since Pliny the Elder,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50and he wrote, "Everything is soothed by oil," and this is the reason why
0:21:50 > 0:21:53divers send out small quantities of it from their mouths,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55because it smoothes every part which is rough.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, my God. Like a salad dressing amount.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01How are you making your salad?!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- I was giving it a bit of... - She's tossing it, darling.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06It's amazing, the amount of oil slicks there've been
0:22:06 > 0:22:08in the last half a century,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10it's amazing there's ever any rough weather at sea.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Nobody ever sees the positive side of an oil slick.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Genuinely, though, in an oil slick area,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21would there then be no waves for ages?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22It would genuinely calm the waters,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and one of the reasons why we know this,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26the person who did so many experiments on this,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28is the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31He saw two ships from a flotilla,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and they had smooth waters in their wake while the other ships didn't.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37And he asked why, and he was told that those ships had jettisoned
0:22:37 > 0:22:39their kitchen grease and that therefore gave them
0:22:39 > 0:22:42the easier passage. And he checked this out. And what's lovely,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44he did experiments on a place in London,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46and there's a place called Mount Pond, on Clapham Common,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48and that is, in fact, where he did his experiments,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50and the pond is still there today.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51It stinks of chip fat.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:57And now, steady your stomachs and hold on to the handrail,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59it's time for General Ignorance.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Complete this sentence.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03There are plenty more fish in the...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05# How deep...? #
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Sea.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08KLAXON BLARES
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You don't learn, do you?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- # Row your boat... #- Yes.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Sky.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Only 20% of the world's fish species actually live in the sea,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- where do the rest live? - In the rivers.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Rivers. Rivers and lakes, absolutely right.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Amazon, Congo, Mekong, all those kind of river basins,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28particularly diverse and fish species,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31so one site in the Amazon basin, Cantao State Park,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34contains more freshwater fish species than the whole of Europe.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- That's a lot of fish! - It is a lot of fish.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I think that's the premise for mentioning it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43SHE LAUGHS
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Hang on! Do you see how he's understood the show?!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52David? The next time you come on, that chair's very comfy.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Possible...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Of course, we have polluted our rivers
0:23:58 > 0:24:02and many of them don't sustain large fish populations.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Yeah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Um...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07You talked about fish coming from the sky.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09So, in Utah, it used to be that remote lakes
0:24:09 > 0:24:13were once stocked by walking miles and miles with milk cans
0:24:13 > 0:24:14full of fish, and today,
0:24:14 > 0:24:19they're dropped from planes 150 foot above the lakes,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22and it's called aerial restocking. Ted Hallows,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26who's a hatchery manager from Kamas County in Utah, says,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Most of the fish make it to the water safely."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And each one of those fish has got a JustGiving page.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Now, when do spring tides occur in the southern hemisphere?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Ooh.- Now, is it... Now...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Ah.- Yeah, yeah?
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Oh...
0:24:48 > 0:24:49# The sea... #
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Is it...- Yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57..the opposite to us here in the northern hemisphere, so...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- What are you going to say? - I am going to go, Sandi, with
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Augus-s-s-s...
0:25:02 > 0:25:06September...
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Are you saying autumn?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- KLAXON BLARES - You're not giving me a clue.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- OK. Autumn, yeah.- No.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Darn.- Anybody else?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- Spring.- Hey!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17KLAXON BLARES
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Spring tides have got nothing to do with spring at all.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23It is the high tide that follows a new or a full moon,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25so it is the time when there is the most difference
0:25:25 > 0:25:27between high and low tides.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30So, basically, it occurs twice a month, all year round.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It just comes from an earlier meaning of spring,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35which means to rise up suddenly, that's all it is.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38But tide actually has a Norse origin, so in Denmark,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42the word for time is "tid", T-I-D, and that's where we get tide from.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44So, tide and time actually means the same thing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's like Eastertide, isn't it, doesn't refer to the tide.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49That means Easter-time.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Yuletide, it's the same. It's about time, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Now, without leaving your seat,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57please somebody do an impression of an Olympic diver.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"Hello, it's me, Tom Daley."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Do I get the point, or...?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Yeah, I liked that, you can have an extra point, that's very good.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- What do you mean? - Uh, well, what do they look like?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17They go, they dive...
0:26:17 > 0:26:18KLAXON BLARES No.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24No, they lock their hands together, like this.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And enter with the palms entering the water first,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29because it creates less splash.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31So they're trying to make a cavity in the water
0:26:31 > 0:26:34wide enough for the body to go through, so if you look there,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- when they impact... - I'm looking, I'm looking.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- It is an odd angle to see somebody at, isn't it?- Not particularly.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Do you watch dangling men?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"If you wouldn't mind putting your ankles up there?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I went to see Olympic diving.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Was it good?- Well, the thing about it is...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02..once you've seen one, you really have seen them all.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08One by one, they go up the top and whoop, splash!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11HE EXHALES
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right, final question in our ocean show,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17so we go to the greatest ocean of all.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20How many lungs does Billy Ocean have?
0:27:22 > 0:27:23I'm going to go one.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25KLAXON BLARES
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Three!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29He has three. He has an extra pulmonary node
0:27:29 > 0:27:31between his two regular lungs.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32And some people attribute the fact
0:27:32 > 0:27:34that he's got this extra lung capacity
0:27:34 > 0:27:36as to why he's had such a long career.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I think it's cos he's one of the nicest men you will ever, ever meet.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Now, as we head back in to harbour,
0:27:41 > 0:27:42let's take a quick look at the score.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45All at sea, in last place,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48with -51, it's Alan!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56In third place with -37, David!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:03In second, with -17, Aisling!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:10And tonight's winner, with -15, it's Joe!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Tonight's objectionable object,
0:28:22 > 0:28:27this lovely sausage dog drink dispenser, goes to Joe.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31- Congratulations.- I love that. - There you go.- Look at that!
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Fantastic! It only remains for me to thank Aisling, David, Joe and Alan.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Now that we've all disembarked safely,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41we hope you enjoyed your voyage aboard the QI2,
0:28:41 > 0:28:42and we'll leave you with this.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44During the early days of the Iraq war,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon stated in Parliament
0:28:47 > 0:28:50that the port of Umm Qasr was like the city of Southampton.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53"He's either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton,"
0:28:53 > 0:28:56said one soldier. "There's no beer, no prostitutes,
0:28:56 > 0:28:57"and people are shooting at us.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"It's actually more like Portsmouth!"
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Thank you very much, goodnight!