0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36And welcome to QI.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Tonight, we are completely all over the place, a feast of O's,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43with scrambled ovi.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Your ovations, please, for the overlooked Bill Bailey...
0:00:46 > 0:00:50CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55..the overexcited Jan Ravens...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01..the overwhelming Grayson Perry...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04CHEERING
0:01:05 > 0:01:08..and all over the shop, Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Let's get their buzzers over with. Bill goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21MUSIC: Over and Over by Hot Chip
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Jan goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26MUSIC: It's Over by Electric Light Orchestra
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Well, I like that one. That one's good. Grayson goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34MUSIC: It's Over by Roy Orbison
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I didn't know how to tell you, Grayson.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- I just...- Yeah.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And Alan goes...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46They think it's all over.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48It is now!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50CHEERING
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's finally one you like.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Ah, I love that!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00So my first question is about ova, spelled O-V-A.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04You can't learn to ski jump without breaking legs,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08and you can't make an omelette without...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- BOTH:- Breaking eggs.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Yay! And we're off and running.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16But you're going to show us how you can.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18You can make an omelette without breaking eggs.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21In Japan, it's called a golden egg, as we shall demonstrate.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23What you need to do is...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Get a chicken.- An egg.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26It's in a pair of tights.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It's in a stocking, so I'm going to pass this to you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33And what you need to do is you need to basically to break the membrane
0:02:33 > 0:02:36that is round the egg yolk, that is called the vitelline membrane.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It's protein fibres. And what you do is, you spin it like this,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and you're trying to shake the egg and, actually,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45it's one of the good things, when you let go, it does that.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I've got a very expensive suit on at this point.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Ah, OK. Just spin it gently, would be the thing, yeah.- Yeah.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I don't think we've ever had anybody
0:02:55 > 0:02:58who's worn expensive clothing on this show before.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Just a really cheap children's toy, isn't it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06- Have you broken yours?- Yeah.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10And you spin it
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and you mix up the egg inside the shell...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Right.- It's actually quite tough to do.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- AS SCOTTY FROM STAR TREK:- I cannae make it go any further, Jim!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And then you boil it, and it will, when you remove the shell,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23it will reveal that it is an omelette.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I mean, some people would say it's more of a scrambled egg than an
0:03:26 > 0:03:28omelette. But Escoffier's definition -
0:03:28 > 0:03:30"In a few words, what is an omelette?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33"It's really a special type of scrambled egg enclosed in a coating
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"or envelope of coagulated egg, and nothing else."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So our version ought to qualify.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40That's what a man looks like...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- It's a bloke, innit?- In tights.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Actually, we could ask Grayson.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48This is what a man looks like in tights?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Grayson, I'm so sorry.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'll tell you, if my skirt was any shorter...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Let's have a look at the below-the-desk cam.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Oh, look.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04OK. I have a question for you all.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- OK.- Here is a bottle...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Right.- ..with an egg in it. How did it get in the bottle?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's one of those tricks you read about in old encyclopaedias,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- isn't it?- Yes.- Yes. - And what do you think it is?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So you can't plunge that in a pan of boiling water
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and then somehow extricate the shell.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21So if I have another bottle, you can see that the egg...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, I know how you do it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You take all the air out of the bottle and it sucks the egg in.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So the way you do that is you're going to light...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Let me show you.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Do you want me to play some music or something?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Can you light that, darling?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37HE HUMS
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, well, it's doing it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It's like trying to get into your jeans, isn't it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51AUDIENCE: Hey!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54CHEERING
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That is what happens when you get
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Eric Pickles and you try and get him out of an aeroplane.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07We've overbooked the flight, you're going to have to...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Actually, no, you can stay.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You go up to 30,000 feet and open the door.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I've got one more trick. So this is a little bit hit and miss.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Go on.- But I will do my best. When it works, it's absolutely fantastic.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19What is this?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Oh. I have to be more...- Can you hit it the other way?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I've got to... No.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Go on.- Does it work?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33CHEERING
0:05:35 > 0:05:37OK. Moving from eggs to bacon.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What did pigs finally manage to do in the 1930s?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Uh...- Fly.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- No.- No?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Become self-aware.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Uncurl their tails.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Become a metaphor for socialism.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Yeah.- According to the OED, pigs
0:05:58 > 0:06:02oinked for the first time in 1933.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Before that, they just grunted.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Well, a few... Yeah, exactly. JAN GRUNTS
0:06:06 > 0:06:08A few went... You do all kinds of impressions...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I do. I do animals, everything, yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12But it doesn't actually sound like oink, that, does it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14No, there's... There are other things.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"Rout", they went, apparently, in 1650.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18One went "wick" in the 18th century.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21But the practice of oinking is an American practice.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24The Washington Post, 6th June 1933,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26mentions a small white pig oinking
0:06:26 > 0:06:28its disapproval of the effete city folks.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32So they didn't oink until the Washington Post decided that
0:06:32 > 0:06:33was the thing that they had to do. Oink.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Right.- In Denmark, they say "oof oof".
0:06:36 > 0:06:39French swine go "groin groin", apparently.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- That's more like it.- I wonder if that affects how we view the animal,
0:06:42 > 0:06:43because "oof oof" sounds quite positive,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46even though, you know, in Denmark, they probably kill more pigs
0:06:46 > 0:06:49per capita than in any other country in the world.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51And we have no problem with that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55The very first pig to fly in fact
0:06:55 > 0:06:57came 24 years before the onset of oinking.
0:06:57 > 0:06:594th November 1909.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03An English aviation pioneer called JTC Moore-Brabazon,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05he thought for a laugh he would
0:07:05 > 0:07:08attach a wastepaper basket to a biplane,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and he took it on a 3.5-mile flight over the Kent countryside.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14And he had to wait 100 years for YouTube to be invented.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Yes, I know.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17He went on to be the Minister of Transport,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20but he clearly liked a bit of a flight.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"When pigs fly" is known as an adynaton.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's a figure of speech in the form of hyperbole,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and they have wonderful examples in other countries.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30The middle one is France - "when hens grow teeth".
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Yes.- The one on the right is Hebrew -
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"when hair grows on the palm of my hand".
0:07:35 > 0:07:37My favourite is the Russian one -
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"when the crawfish whistles on the mountain".
0:07:42 > 0:07:44And we say "when the Lib Dems reform".
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Now, what makes the FBI say OMG?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Well, it's not going to be, "Oh, my God," is it?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59So it's got to be something else.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00It's to do with outlaws.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Outlaw, ooh.- Outlaw?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Moving gradually.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Moving fast, it would be, in fact. It's outlaw motorcycle gangs.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Oh!- They're known as OMGs
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- to law enforcement.- We got a OMG! - Hell's Angels.- Hell's Angels indeed.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Oh, fab.- And do you know the term one-percenter? Do you know...?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17They're the people with all the money.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Yeah, so the Occupy movement and so on,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21they talk about the top 1% who control the wealth.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Because, you know, I've had motorcycles all my life,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25and that used to be a badge I quite
0:08:25 > 0:08:28often saw on those collections on denim waistcoats that people had...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yeah, so what it was was that full badge members
0:08:30 > 0:08:33wear the 1% to show their outsider status because there was a
0:08:33 > 0:08:35claim by the American Motorcycle Association
0:08:35 > 0:08:37that 99% of their members
0:08:37 > 0:08:39were God-fearing and family orientated.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40And so the 1% wanted to make damn
0:08:40 > 0:08:42sure that everybody knew that they were
0:08:42 > 0:08:45the bad guys. OK, while we're on the subject of Hell's Angels,
0:08:45 > 0:08:46we're now going to play...
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- What a game!- Can you pick that board up there, darling?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- Certainly.- So what I want you to do...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56We have written on it for you, Alan,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Hell's Angels.- Hell's Angels.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I want you to put the apostrophe in the correct place.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03OK. Is it going to be angels belonging to Hell?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04That's it, isn't it? No?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06BUZZER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- No.- Oh, you flippin'...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09It was bound to happen, wasn't it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- I hadn't even done it.- I know.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You were so keen.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15After the S, up there, then?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Try that. Yeah, go on.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Go, go for it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23BUZZER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28No, it's a trick.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- There isn't one.- There isn't one?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32There isn't one. They don't want one.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Oh, they don't want one!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35No, and who's going to argue with them, frankly?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- I've gone off them.- Until recently,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39they had a note in the FAQs of their official website.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Should the Hells in Hells Angels have an apostrophe
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"and be Hell's Angels? That would be true if there were only one hell,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"but life and history has taught us
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"that there are many versions and forms of hell."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Then people still carried on criticising them and saying it
0:09:52 > 0:09:54should be Hells' - with an apostrophe after the S.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And so it's since been amended, and it now says,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Missing apostrophe in Hells Angels - yes,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"we know that there is an apostrophe missing, but it is you who miss it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"We don't."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You know, that's the kind of
0:10:07 > 0:10:09punctuation-based rebellion that we need.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Every time I put on my leather jacket, I think,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Yeah, to hell with punctuation!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Sticking it to the man, one apostrophe at a time.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yeah! Us and the market stall traders.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Setting a poor grammatical example, that's the way we roll.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Yeah.- Hell's Angels, founded in 1948,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28some of the gangs that amalgamated together,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32one of them was called the Pissed Off Bastards of Bloomington.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Maybe too difficult to get on a jacket.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- That's a lot of studs.- I think that's really good.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Anybody know where the name Hell's Angels comes from?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- The origin?- Is it Paradise Lost or something?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's a film, actually, by Howard Hughes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Apostrophe, apostrophe!- Apostrophe! - Apostrophe!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52So the American air squadrons in World War II,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54which is probably where the motorcycle gangs got it from,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57but the pilots got it from the Howard Hughes film.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- All right.- Hell's Angels are fierce in the defence of their trademark.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02They've sued Disney and Toys R Us and so on.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You can't wear... Back patches in general are frowned upon.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06If you're a motorcycle dude,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09if you're wearing a back patch and it's not an official registered one,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11you can get into trouble.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- Can you?- Yeah.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16When I was young, the Coggeshall Bastards were the local one.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18And they were so tough that they
0:11:18 > 0:11:21eschewed the leather jacket because they thought that was a bit effete.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Oh.- So they wore pac-a-macs and Wellingtons on their bikes.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28That was the myth, they were so hard they didn't...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Their skin didn't need leather protection.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Nah.- I love the idea of the sound of a pac-a-mac rustling in the wind.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You can get good slogans.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I was at the motorcycle show once and there was a T-shirt and it said
0:11:40 > 0:11:43on the back, "If you can read this, the bitch fell off."
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Right, moving on.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Um, can you name a female outlaw?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Well, not Jesse James.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- No.- Bonnie out of Bonnie and Clyde.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Strictly streaking, there is no such
0:12:04 > 0:12:06thing as a female outlaw in British law.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Outlawry is when an individual
0:12:08 > 0:12:10was placed outside the protection of the law,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and females denied protection of the law were called something else.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15They were called waived women.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Isn't that awful?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So their right to any petition was said to be waived,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22so left out or not regarded.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Can you name a male outlaw of the Wild West?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Of the Wild West, oof.- Yeah.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Billy the whatsit.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- Billy the whatsit?- Billy the Kid?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35The Sundance Kid?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Yeah, what's her name?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Butch Cassidy.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We can go on and on. Uh, so, again,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50there were no outlaws as such in the old West. Male or female.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, you amaze me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54So in the original meaning,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56an outlaw is merely somebody who's been put outside the law,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58so denied its protections.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00ALAN HUMS DRAMATICALLY
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, that's a fantastic film, isn't it?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07So these were... So none of them were outlaws.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09In order to be an outlaw, you had to be set outside...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12ALAN HUMS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Are trying to hum the theme tune to The Magnificent Seven?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Yeah.- Yes.- That's not the theme tune to The Magnificent Seven.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19GRAYSON HUMS
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- No, that's Bonanza. - Oh, that's Bonanza!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, I liked Bonanza.- I thought Bonanza was...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- JAN HUMS - # Bonanza! #
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Yeah, yeah, I think that was right. I think we need...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I demand that...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- That's the Muppets! - Someone google it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Does anybody know the bloody theme tune?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42BILL HUMS: The Magnificent Seven Theme
0:13:42 > 0:13:46BOTH HUM
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Come on, everyone!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Everybody, join in!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55AUDIENCE HUMS
0:14:04 > 0:14:08CHEERING
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Now, back over to O-V-A, ova now.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16What is the secret ingredient
0:14:16 > 0:14:18of virgin boy eggs?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Oh....
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Yeah, it's... Oh, I promise you, it's...
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- Acne.- Like taking it out with a syringe and sticking it in the egg?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Boy eggs. A pustule.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Done, it'll be like a Walnut Whip.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33GROANING
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You see, I thought what I've got on the card is disgusting,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39but it's possible you've topped it. I think that...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It's a Chinese dish called tongzidan.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- What?- And it is literally virgin boy eggs.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49They prepared by boiling hens' eggs in the urine of young boys.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Ugh!- Now, come on,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54it's a springtime delicacy in the
0:14:54 > 0:14:56city of Dongyang in Zhejiang province.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57- You're making this up now.- No, no.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00So they soak them in the urine and then they bring them to the boil,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and then they're simmered for a day with fresh urine, a few herbs,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and at the end of the process, they apparently look like that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09The urine is from boys under the age of ten,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and what they do is they collect it in a bucket in primary schools.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15And each of the eggs are sold at...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's about 20p apiece.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20According to one Dongyang resident, they taste a bit like urine,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22but not too much.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28- Yeah.- There are people who do drink
0:15:28 > 0:15:31their own urine for medical benefits,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- don't they?- There are, yes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That is a horrible picture.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Apparently it tastes slightly sweet but salty. A bit like a margarita,
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- I imagine.- Yes.- And...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Does he normally have it in one of those glasses?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46With salt round the rim.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52You're saying salt round the rim, and then...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Tastes a bit like urine, not too much.- Not too much.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01There was a Mexican boxing champion called Juan Manuel Marquez,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05and he rather famously showcased the practice of drinking his own urine
0:16:05 > 0:16:09ahead of a fight in 2009, with Floyd Mayweather Jr.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11But he lost.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Not a disgrace. Everyone loses to Floyd Mayweather Jr.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I don't think it would do you any harm
0:16:16 > 0:16:19because, fundamentally, the toxins leave your body through the faeces,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- so...- Can only do you harm if it's off.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Yes.- You've got to have it fresh and warm.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26But if you drank some, and then you
0:16:26 > 0:16:28urinated it out and then drink that,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30and then urinated that out and kept on going...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Yeah, you probably...- ..how many sort of goes before you...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Before it's completely nothing at all?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Before it's just a cube coming out, I guess.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Urine stock cube to use in your...
0:16:42 > 0:16:47You go to the Chinese supermarket for a small boys' wee cube.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48"You got the, uh..."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"I haven't got a bucket of boys' wee..."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"I haven't got time to go to the primary school.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"Can you give me some urine stock cubes?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I spent time with the Mundari people of South Sudan,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and they used the urine of their
0:16:59 > 0:17:01incredibly prized cattle to dye their
0:17:01 > 0:17:04naturally black hair orange, so during the morning ablutions -
0:17:04 > 0:17:07that's what's happening there - the men lower their heads into
0:17:07 > 0:17:09the urine stream of a tethered cow, and they use the ash -
0:17:09 > 0:17:11you can see his body is white there -
0:17:11 > 0:17:13from burned cow dung smeared all over the face and body,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16but it acts as a natural antiseptic and it stops mosquitoes.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It's a mosquito repellent. If he stays there too long,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19he'll get a pat on the head.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Wow. Oh now, now, the audience are rebelling again.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Some are going, "No, that was good."
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- No, no. Yeah, no.- Don't encourage him. Don't encourage him.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41For whom was it all over because of its ova?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Was it Edwina Currie?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Oh. Did she not have some egg...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- AS CURRIE:- She had an egg-based scandal, didn't she, Edwina?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Yes, she's actually morphed into
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Hyacinth Bouquet as I sit here, but...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56She is from the same neck of the woods.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Didn't she have an affair with John Major?- She did, yes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02They said you could tell by the CURRY stains on his underpants.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03GROANING Hey!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Oh, now, you miss the pat on the head joke now.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Sorry, I just got a call here.
0:18:12 > 0:18:141982 want their jokes back.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21OK, for whom was it all over because of its ova?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23We are in a Bill Bailey area of information.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25A bird. It'll be a bird, Bill.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- A bird?- Yes.- Was it stealing eggs, was it?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, yes, I suppose, there's a bit of stealing involved.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Let me show you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- So I've got...- Oh, my Lord!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35..some eggs here.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Oh.- So this one is an ostrich egg.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Isn't that amazing?- Yes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- Wow.- This is roughly the size of the egg that I am talking about.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Now, you can't have a real one
0:18:45 > 0:18:47because they're worth an absolute fortune.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- So this is...- Is this a prehistoric egg of some kind?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52It is the elephant bird.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- The elephant bird. - The elephant bird.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55And this is a Heston Blumenthal
0:18:55 > 0:18:57chocolate egg that is roughly the same...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Wow.- I know. And it's got something in it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I don't know if we should open it and have a look.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Does anybody want to...?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Oh, please, go on.- So what happened is, humans stole the eggs for food,
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- Bill.- Yes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Whoa!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Wow.- Do you know about the elephant bird?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15They were around until the 17th century.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17They were flightless, they were about 10ft tall.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Oh, right.- They weighed about half a tonne,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21and they lived on the island of Madagascar.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They had a ferocious kick, so you wouldn't have been able to
0:19:23 > 0:19:26get near them, human beings. I mean, imagine such a big bird.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But the eggs of the elephant bird were 100 times the size of a
0:19:29 > 0:19:31chicken's egg, so it could have fed a family for several days.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So you couldn't attack the bird to eat it,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35but you could probably get hold of the eggs,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39and so many eggs were taken that eventually the bird became entirely
0:19:39 > 0:19:41extinct. And we still find fragments of the shell of the elephant bird
0:19:41 > 0:19:44near where we know human beings lit fires.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46David Attenborough, didn't he reassemble one?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48From pieces he found on the beach?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yes, he did, because they're incredibly valuable.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53The last one that was sold at Christie's, which was in 2013,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55sold for £66,000.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And also, when they are found now, the Malagasy government claims them,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and so any ones in private ownership or in museums or whatever are
0:20:01 > 0:20:04incredibly rare. So that's why we've got the chocolate one.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Yes.- What a shame it died out, isn't it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yeah. Now, here's a simple question.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Who spends all day fossicking in the mullock?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Yes, Alan?- I do.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15You do?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I feel like I'm doing that right now, after I've eaten that egg.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It sounds like you are sort of looking in the washing basket for a
0:20:22 > 0:20:25clean pair of pants, the cleanest pair of pants, doesn't it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Well, you are looking... You are looking through dirt.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Is it between tides?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30- Scavenging and...- Scavenging.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Beachcombing.- Beachcombing, yes.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35So "fossick" is possibly from the Cornish meaning "to search out",
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and "mullock" is Middle English for "dust" or "rubbish".
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It's the business of grubbing around,
0:20:40 > 0:20:41that's the fossicking, in the spoil,
0:20:41 > 0:20:46the mullock, of numerous mounds left by opal miners around Coober Pedy.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Coober Pedy!- They call it "noodling".
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It's a small town in the vast desert outback of South Australia.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Yes.- Have you been there?- I've been there.- And they have underground
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- hotels...- Did you fossick?- I did fossick briefly, yes,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58in the minibar.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What is this, the "what" capital of the world?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06The opal capital of the world.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09The opal capital of the world. Provides about three-quarters of the
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- world's opals.- Otherwise known as Vauxhall, in this country.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16It gets so hot in the summer, they have to live underground.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And I met a bloke there who went there when he was 20,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and he was digging around... Just... You can...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Noodling.- Noodling away.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28And the bloke next to him found a 7 million opal.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And that's it, he never left!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32He was still there, after all this time.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Well, you can buy a permit for less than £40.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Yeah. You could.- So it is possible you could make your fortune.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You talked about those underground places -
0:21:39 > 0:21:41cos it's all sandstone, they built these astonishing...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- I stayed there!- Did you?- Yeah. - Astonishing buildings.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Serbian Orthodox underground church!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47It is. Half the town's residents...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50There's 3,500 people live there. Half of them live underground.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52And, in fact, the name Coober Pedy is
0:21:52 > 0:21:54an Anglicised version of the aboriginal "kupa piti",
0:21:54 > 0:21:56which means "white man in a hole".
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Do you play golf at all, Bill?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- I do, yes.- Cos one of the top ten extraordinary golf courses in the
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- world...- I didn't play there, but it looked extraordinary.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10It's a unique golf course.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12There is no grass.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- That's right.- So you get given a little tiny turf of grass,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- anybody who plays golf.- It's all bunker!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18It's all crushed rock.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20And the greens are made of sand mixed with sump oil,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22so that the sand doesn't blow away.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And to avoid the daytime sun, which can be incredibly hot,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28they often play at night, and they use these...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- These eggs!- Yes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32..these glow-in-the-dark balls...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Can we just turn the lights out and see if these will actually function?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm going to see if I can...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So there's a glow in the dark...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Sandi's shirt, as well!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Wow.- Did you know it's the only golf course in the world that has
0:22:44 > 0:22:46reciprocal rights with the Royal and Ancient?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It's an extraordinary place.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50People do... I mean, there's mining, that's it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- It's all there is.- But look at that...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55It's funny in Australia, though, cos it's all kind of "no worries",
0:22:55 > 0:22:57you know, and, "Yeah, great, no worries."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And you kind of think, "Oh, that's great, they're such a
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"happy-go-lucky, lovely people."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And by about a week in you're thinking,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"Can we actually worry about something now?!"
0:23:05 > 0:23:06No, it's all just, "Great, no worries."
0:23:06 > 0:23:09There's a great expression they have there which is "too easy".
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You ask them, "Can I get a beer, mate?"
0:23:11 > 0:23:12"Too easy." You know.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It's a lovely thing. It's like, "Too easy, mate. Don't worry."
0:23:15 > 0:23:16And it gets annoying after a while.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I was in the hotel, and this bloke phoned me up and said, "Mr Bailey,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"there's a package for you." I went, "OK."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23He goes, "Do you want me to bring it up?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I went, "OK," and then he went, "Too easy."
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"All right, then. Well, fly it up, then!"
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"Make it more difficult!"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I expect there's Australians at this very minute
0:23:34 > 0:23:36on a panel show going, "They always ask, 'How are you?'
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"but they don't want to find out!"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And if you're in LA,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44you go down to breakfast, and the waiter says to you, "Hey there,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"how's your day been so far?!"
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You think, "I'm just coming down to breakfast.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Nothing much has happened so far."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Nothing.- "I've drunk me own urine, and now I want some eggs.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"Can you boil them in a bucket of boys' piss?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I once had a waitress in Los Angeles...
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Did you, now?!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I didn't mean for that to get out. OK...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Now it's time to go straight over to general ignorance,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23fingers poised over buzzers, please.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26What happens if you put a frog in cold water
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and then heat it up to boiling point?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30MUSIC: Over and Over by Hot Chip
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Yes, Bill?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It turns...
0:24:33 > 0:24:34..inside out.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37No...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39MUSIC: It's Over by Roy Orbison
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- It gets a little bit warm and it jumps out.- It does jump out.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The myth is that the frog will stay in the hot water.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's often used as a sort of political parable -
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Al Gore used it in The Inconvenient Truth, about climate change.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52The idea that because it happens so slowly, you don't notice,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and then eventually you're going to die.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- But frogs are not that stupid. - No.- They are just not that stupid.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Put it the other way round,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02so if you put a reptile in a warm tank and you gradually reduced the
0:25:02 > 0:25:05temperature, it might very well allow itself to freeze to death.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Cos it's cold-blooded, it would respond to the dropping temperature
0:25:08 > 0:25:10by shutting down its systems, basically.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13It would go to sleep, and then it would freeze in its...
0:25:13 > 0:25:14He's a jolly chap on the left there.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16He's fab, isn't he?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boo!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And lastly, it ain't over until...
0:25:27 > 0:25:28The fat lady sings.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Yup.- Why do we say that?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Opera, is it, and the fat lady comes on and sings,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38and then when she's done, that it's over?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Is it that?- The usual explanation is that it is Brunnhilde in Wagner's
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Ring Cycle.- The Ring Cycle.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Look at those bosoms!- Yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Requires a substantial soprano.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Madonna's gone to seed, hasn't she?!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# Like a virgin...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Touched for the very first time... #
0:25:59 > 0:26:01OK, that's it, get out!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03She sings one of the longest
0:26:03 > 0:26:06operatic arias in history at the end,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09but her aria is not quite the final sung part of the opera.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12The last words go to the villain of the piece, Hagen.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16He's an evil, scheming, Burgundian warrior who sings "zuruck vom Ring",
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"get away from the ring", as he's
0:26:18 > 0:26:20dragged by the Rhinemaidens to the river.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24MUSIC: The Ring Cycle by Richard Wagner
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# Zuruck vom Ring... #
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I bet the queue at the loo is already forming,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35as those bars are played!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Do you know that wonderful story about the end of Puccini's Tosca?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41There's a marvellous moment when the soprano's supposed to leap to her
0:26:41 > 0:26:45death off the walls, and Eva Turner, who was a famous British soprano,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47was doing this at the Lyric Opera in Chicago,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and she complained that the mattress she was supposed to fall on was not
0:26:50 > 0:26:52really springing enough, so they
0:26:52 > 0:26:54replaced it with a trampoline, and...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57..she reappeared three times!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04There's an American saying, "It ain't over till it's over,"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06which is a sort of variant on the fat lady singing,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08and it's usually attributed to Yogi Berra,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11who was the much-loved catcher of the New York Yankees,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13but he was celebrated for his wonderful turns of phrase.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17He said things like, "It's deja vu all over again," which I like.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"The future ain't what it used to be."
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And the most famous thing he's supposed to have said is,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"It ain't over till it's over."
0:27:24 > 0:27:26But now it really is all over, barring the scores.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Now, here's the thing, OK? Because Jan and I have been friends for a
0:27:29 > 0:27:33really long time, and I know that Jan can do an impersonation of me...
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I've got a blonde wig,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and I'm going to give you my glasses...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- OK.- Can I be you, and you be me?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- OK.- OK, marvellous.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46This is a marvellous thing.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- OK.- OK.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50So I'm going to shift myself over, next to Grayson...
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- OK. Right, so...- Yeah.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- AS SANDI:- Curiously, all you have to do with Sandi is remember the tune
0:27:55 > 0:27:56goes up and down a lot, and, er...
0:27:58 > 0:27:59So that brings us to the scores.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02All over the place, it's Alan with minus 77 points.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Slightly overwhelmed, Bill with minus 7 points.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Over a barrel, Grayson, with plus 3 points,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09but, OMG, this week's winner...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Well, it's JANDI, with five points!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17CHEERING
0:28:22 > 0:28:25So it's thanks from Grayson, Jandi, Bill, Alan and me,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27and I leave you with this piece of advice from WC Fields -
0:28:27 > 0:28:30"Start every day off with a smile, and get it over with."
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Good night.