0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hey, good evening.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40for a show which is an overwhelming O-ssortment of operations.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And joining me in my theatre team are, Dr No, Bill Bailey.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Dr Who, Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Dr Doolittle, Katherine Ryan.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:02And...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains", Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Pull yourself together. - Pull yourself together.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Right, let's see how the patient's doing. Rhod goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15FLATLINING HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:15 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Oh, that's bad, we've lost one already. OK, Katherine goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23REGULAR HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, that's better, that's much better. Yes.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Yeah, we've got it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28OK. Bill goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30RAPID HEART MONITOR BEEP
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Wow, that's... And Alan goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:33BEEP
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Vehicle reversing...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- They're so loud, some of those trucks.- They are!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Somewhere, the other day, I was about 50 yards away
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and it was going, "This truck is turning left!"
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"It's turning left!" And it wasn't.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I know, it's annoying.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Right, let's start with a special operation.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56How can you turn a muffin into an offensive weapon?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I have muffins for you all.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00There you are, there's some muffins, help yourselves.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Douse it in petrol.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- OK. Yes.- I don't know, just chuck it at someone?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Chuck it at somebody? Rhod, what do you reckon?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Turning a muffin into some kind of offensive weapon?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Just remove the "May contain nuts" label from it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah. We're in World War II.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You drop it out of a plane.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Just a single muffin?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20A muffin.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"That'll teach you, Germans! Yeah."
0:02:23 > 0:02:24"Argh, it's got me in the eye!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Was it poisoned, was it presented to Hitler?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Oh, there you go, obst und mein Fuhrer."
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It is the most bizarre thing, Bill.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34During World War II, flour mix was invented
0:02:34 > 0:02:37that could either be eaten, or used as an explosive.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And, yeah, so the mix was invented by the Office of Strategic Services,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44so that's the CIA's parent organisation.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Wow.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It consisted of 75% explosive powder and 25% ordinary wheat flour,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50which is the way I like my muffins.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And if the holder was challenged,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55it could either be eaten, or you could blow somebody up.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- So the early versions made you quite ill.- No shit!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Yeah.- Yeah. I think that was part of the problem.- Yes, yes.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04But, later versions, they made it fully edible
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and it didn't matter whether you had made the flour into a cake.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09You could stick a fuse into a muffin and it would still blow up.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Have you ever done that thing of making an exploding cake
0:03:12 > 0:03:13for a children's birthday party?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's very naughty, but it's terribly funny.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- And potentially fatal.- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:20You make a totally hollow cake and then you stick a balloon
0:03:20 > 0:03:23in the middle and then you ice the whole thing
0:03:23 > 0:03:24and when they cut into it, it goes, boom!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- A very good idea. - That's a good trick, isn't it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I'm very, very pleased with it. - That's a brilliant idea, yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Of course, the Germans had it, as well,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34they had bombs that were disguised as a chocolate bar.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They had a mess tin full of bangers and mash,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38which in fact was exploding.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Irresistible to the British Tommy!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"We jolly well shouldn't eat this, Roger."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"You're right, we shouldn't eat it."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"Enjoying your breakfast, Tommy?" "Yes, thank you." Boom!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52And bombs were sometimes left in books
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and were triggered by the removal of a picture
0:03:55 > 0:03:57of a scantily clad woman!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59COMEDIC GASPS
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Don't remove the picture, Roger." "I can't resist her."
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Can't resist her.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Now, I am about to carry out an operation.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10What's the first question I should ask myself?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Is there a balloon in the patient?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Should I have taken all these selfies with the sleeping patient?
0:04:19 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Am I sober?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Yes. Where am I?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Should I at least have a quick look on Wikihow?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Absolutely.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31So, there's a list of questions.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Is there? An official list? - There's a list of questions.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36The first thing you have to ask yourself is,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38do we have the right patient?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- Do we have the right patient? - Is the very first question.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Make sure you know which bit of the body
0:04:43 > 0:04:45you are going to be operating on.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I thought "location" meant am I in the hospital?- Yeah. Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I'm in the shed with the pliers, is this best practice?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:56If it had said "identity" and then "location, location, location".
0:04:56 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59What are we doing in that location?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01In other words, what is the procedure that we're going to do?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And did the patient, before they were conked-out,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05say that it was OK to do this?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Ah.- So these are the things. - It's really basic stuff, this.- Yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I thought our surgeons were kind of ahead of this stuff.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13That's the extraordinary thing. 2008, the World Health Organization,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16they composed a set of 19 questions to be asked before
0:05:16 > 0:05:19and after all surgical operations, to reduce hospital errors.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And it's called the Safe Surgery checklist.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And it sounds really simple,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27but the use of this check list has reduced deaths by 40%...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Oh, no!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31..and complications by one third.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34So is that the... So before all these checks then,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37were there just surgeons just going, "Right, bring him in!"
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Yeah, yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:41"Right, all done! Right, come on."
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"Let's just tuck in, come on!"
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"He looks like he could have his leg off."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Come on. Next!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:50One surgeon who had no problem identifying the patient whatsoever
0:05:50 > 0:05:53was a Soviet surgeon called Leonid Rogozov.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55So he realised he had appendicitis, but he was visiting
0:05:55 > 0:06:00the Antarctic and so he had no choice but to operate on himself.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Oof!- So he described the pain as...
0:06:02 > 0:06:07"A snowstorm whipping through my soul, wailing like 100 jackals."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I think he wrote that long after he was better
0:06:11 > 0:06:14because I don't think you're going to come out with that sentence
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- while you're... - "What's it feel like, Leonid?"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"It feels like a snow storm whipping through..."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Yeah. He worked on himself for an hour and 45 minutes,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and he was back at work within a fortnight.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26He worked on himself for an hour and 45...
0:06:26 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Sorry, sorry, sorry.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Well, it's that kind of thought, Rhod,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36that led a man called Boston Corbett to perform self-surgery.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Here is Boston Corbett.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39He is famous in history as the man
0:06:39 > 0:06:42who killed Abraham Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46But he believed that he was very tempted by ladies, and that he
0:06:46 > 0:06:49didn't like this, so he castrated himself with a pair of scissors.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Ooh! - GASPS
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, good action, good action from the audience there.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55In order to avoid temptation of prostitutes...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He cut his own testicles off with a scissors
0:06:57 > 0:06:58to avoid the temptation of...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Yes.- Why didn't he just walk down a different street?- Yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05He thought that eunuchs were more likely to get into heaven.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Oh, my word!- I like him, I wish more men would take this path.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Every house has got scissors.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They say that delivering a child hurts as much as having
0:07:16 > 0:07:19your leg amputated at the thigh
0:07:19 > 0:07:21without any pain relief.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Who has been through those two things that could tell?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28That's unlucky. That's a bad day, isn't it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Yeah, that's not good. Now, doctors, what's your diagnosis here?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:37He'd fallen asleep on a stag do.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42He was running a circus school and his students hated him.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43The world's worst.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It's a party game, is it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Pin the sword on the nutter.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52So, this is possibly one of the earliest
0:07:52 > 0:07:54anatomical drawings for medics.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56He was known as the Wound Man.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00It's a medieval image, first printed in a book, 1491, in Venice.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It's all the various things, so he's been injured, if you look there,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06with daggers, he's been shot with arrows, he's been lacerated,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08he's been stung by bees, scorpions, been clubbed in the head.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Bitten by a dog, scratched by thorns.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Blasted by cannonballs, he's definitely got plague
0:08:13 > 0:08:15and bad spots, and he appears to have a toad in his stomach.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19So, it's, as it were, the contents page to the book.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What a shame though, for a guy who obviously looks after himself
0:08:21 > 0:08:23and goes to the gym.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:26To go down like that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- He eats Paleo.- Yeah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31You know, he's really healthy, he thought he'd have a long life...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Uh-oh.- Yeah, all of those things happen to him.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He's a curious contradiction, though,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38because he doesn't look after his appearance enough
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- to remove a sword from his head.- No.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43But he does buy his underwear in Agent Provocateur.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Yeah. They're quite snug.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48They are on the tight side, aren't they?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Yeah. Ironically, that's the most pain he's in.- Yeah.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"It's gone right up me arse, that has!"
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- Ooh.- He's come back from a sort of Civil War re-enactment, you know.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"So, how did it go?" "Don't ask!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"They nicked my armour, I'm left in my pants, look at this!"
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Oh, dear.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The doctor's going to go, "I'm going to try something new."
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"Don't pooh-pooh it straight away, it's called acupuncture.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18LAUGHTER
0:09:18 > 0:09:20They also had one for women, it isn't just the Wound Man.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They had Disease Woman.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:27There she is. And...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Is Marvel running out of superheroes?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Look over there, it's Disease Woman!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36In the United States they have an exceptionally complex system
0:09:36 > 0:09:38for categorising injuries.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's called the ICD-10 System.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42The International Classification of Diseases.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46There are 140,000 detailed codes for different complaints,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and they are extremely specific.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So they include "bitten by orca".
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Asphyxiation due to being trapped in a car trunk."
0:09:59 > 0:10:03"Burn due to water-skis on fire..."
0:10:05 > 0:10:06That's really hard!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- How could that ever happen?- I don't know.- That is so unlucky.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12But my absolute favourite - "hurt at opera".
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Otherwise known as the Abraham Lincoln.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yes. The first attempts to categorise diseases in this country
0:10:20 > 0:10:22are the Bills of Mortality.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24And there was a man called John Graunt,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27who was actually a haberdasher, but he was very interested
0:10:27 > 0:10:29in trying to work out the various things that people died of.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32So we're talking 16th century. And he put together these
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Bills of Mortality, and they're great. If you have a look,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37these are the different things that people died of. They are just...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"Griping in the guts," 1,288 people died of that, "griping in the guts".
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Griping.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- "Lethargy" is already my favourite. - That's a good one.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- That's quite good, yeah. - "Oh, I can't be bothered."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- That's the way I want to go.- Yeah!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Lethargy. - Just too lethargic to live.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I quite like "frighted". 23 people died "frighted".
0:10:53 > 0:10:55That's good - "killed by several accidents".
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I like the "found dead in the streets, field, etc."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"What, how did he die?" "I don't know, they just found him."
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- He, no, he was just, he was just dead.- Just found him.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Some of these Bills of Mortality, they just had,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"Cause of death - suddenly." That's it, just...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- That'll sort you out.- Yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- "Teeth and worms"! - How do you die of teeth and worms?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Two thousand, six hundred and...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'll tell you what, Wound Man would have read that, and he'd go,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"Yeah, I've had that, I've had that, I've had that.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- "I've had all them." - Brain surgery - new, old?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, no, it's probably old, isn't it?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I don't know. This is not brain surgery,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32but it's about a doctor's understanding of the brain.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34There was a guy who got, on the railroads,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35who got, he had an accident
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and he got a four-foot metal rod through his head.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Right.- Phineas somebody.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41- Phineas Gage.- Phineas Gage.- Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Phineas Gage had an accident, pole through his head,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and they left it in,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49because they didn't want to take it out in case it killed him.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Yeah.- And he was fine until a train came through.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And then it affected his mood, so they were wondering where it had,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59had it damaged his frontal cortex? Because I mean, I don't know
0:11:59 > 0:12:01why they were so surprised it affected his moods, to be honest.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- Yeah.- But his boss was saying he started swearing,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05his wife left him, I think.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08All his friends saying, "He's a real misery now."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I should imagine his wife left him.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- He probably couldn't get in the house.- I know.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"Watch what you're doing with your pole!" "What?" "Ow!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:19He had to do a three-point turn on the trains, just to turn round.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22But we're going back much further than the 19th century, so Neolithic.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's probably the oldest of the practised medical arts,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- brain surgery.- Would this be trepanning, or something like that?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- So, trepanning, yes.- Yes. - They'd drill a hole in the head
0:12:29 > 0:12:32because they want to get out the little tiny bits of bone that have
0:12:32 > 0:12:35gone into the brain when they've been hit with a club or something.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37A drill, though, how did they have a drill in Neolithic times?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Ah, well, they would have had, like, a chisel.- What would it have
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- been in Neolithic times? What would the chisel be made out of?- Stone.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45A stone chisel. And then the hammer was made out of stone?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Yeah.- And the bed was made out of stone, I'm guessing?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49There was a lot of stone. There was a lot of stone, yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Have you seen The Flintstones? It's just like that, yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57But surely in Neolithic period, they didn't know that your brain
0:12:57 > 0:12:59was as important as it is. Because wasn't there a time
0:12:59 > 0:13:02when they thought that your whole personality was in your chest?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Yeah, but everybody would have known what it was to have a headache.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I don't think that's a new thing.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Can you imagine if you'd said that to Phineas Gage?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Yes, Phineas, we all know what it's like to have a headache."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I think maybe a lot of your personality is somehow
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- in your chest.- OK, some girls feel that. That's fine.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I like her.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I think we think from here sometimes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Yes, we think in an emotional manner, rather than...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Yes, I would agree with you.- Yeah.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It's a good foot above where we think from.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Wound Man was a medieval superhero
0:13:41 > 0:13:43whose superpower was having everything wrong with him.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48What would you do if you found 2,000 skeletons in your closet?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I would cancel my dog's credit card.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Katherine, what do you reckon?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I live in a Catholic church conversion,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59so it is likely there are.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Oh. Does it feel spooky? - It doesn't feel spooky.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05My nana was really upset, but it's been deconsecrated
0:14:05 > 0:14:07so that you can swear in it, and do all sorts.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I expect that happened before, don't you?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- She checked.- Oh, really? OK.- Mm-hmm.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Is she Catholic? - She is Irish Catholic, so, I mean...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Oh, right.- And dead.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22And yet she still came over to check. That's love.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25She was a little too nosy for her own good.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27So, a collection of thousands of skeletons was discovered in Rome
0:14:27 > 0:14:32in 1578, and nobody knew who they were, and the Church thought,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"This is fantastic," because for several decades, the Protestants had
0:14:35 > 0:14:40been stealing their relics, and what they really needed was new ones.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44So, they employed psychics to try and see if there were any martyrs
0:14:44 > 0:14:47amongst them. And when they found a likely candidate, they gave them
0:14:47 > 0:14:50a new name and a back-story and they sent them out to the churches
0:14:50 > 0:14:52across Europe.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54They couldn't actually sell them as relics, but what they could do is
0:14:54 > 0:15:00they could charge them transport, decoration, induction, blessing.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02They would dress them up, they would cover them in jewels,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04like this, and put them on display.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06The real problem with this was they didn't send them
0:15:06 > 0:15:08with any instructions.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10So it was like a flat-pack without instructions.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Come on, put a bit of make-up on it!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- So loads of the skeletons were just...- Bunged together.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Honestly, just all over the shop.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Looks like the House of Lords, doesn't it?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Now, time for a secret operation.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27What is the point of a tap in the ocean?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28That's not a real picture.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It isn't a real picture,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35because in Britain, you'd have two taps for no reason at all.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38OK, I don't understand this.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41So you have a... You have a hot tap and you have a cold tap, right?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42- What? Yes! - Yes, well, how is that?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- So you're trying to wash your hands. - Yes...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And what happens, you put it under the hot tap, you go, "Argh!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- "Argh, argh!"- And then you go for the cold tap, and go, "Argh!"
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- "Ooh-hoo-hoo, oh, hoo-hoo! Argh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!"- Yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55How is it the British haven't discovered there's a mixer tap?!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- What is it...? What...? - It's the only excitement we get.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, is that...? Did you find that baffling when you arrived?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- I still find it baffling.- Yeah, no. - And I don't understand radiators.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Why you want to heat an entire house
0:16:05 > 0:16:08with a small hot metal plate in the corner.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- It doesn't work! - What would you do instead?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13We have forced air in Canada, otherwise you freeze to death.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- What do you have? A four what?- What?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Forced air, just same as air-con. - You know...- Oh, forced air-con.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Yes.- Yeah.- I've never heard the term... I'm 40...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23..late 40s, and I don't...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I genuinely didn't know how old I was then, but I've never...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm not going to bother sitting here working it out,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33but I mean, I'm 50 soon, and I've never heard the term forced air.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Well, not in that context. - I love the fact...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I love the fact, Rhod, that I'm asking you some quite complicated
0:16:39 > 0:16:42science questions, and you don't know how old you are.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- I'm about 49.- You're about 49.- About 49.- Have you just worked it out?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I'm so used to saying "I'm 50 in a few years,"
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I'm so used to saying that, that, for a moment, it stumped me.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57No, but the thing is, though, it is quite good to know how old you are,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and the producer has just told me in my ear, Rhod, that you're 48.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Is there a really easy way to remember how old you are?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14- Yeah.- Yeah. - Is there like a little...?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Like some kind of song I can sing, or something? Or...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I've never needed a mnemonic for my age, but I'm sure we can invent one.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I'm going to come back to what's the point...?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- What's the point?!- What's the point? That's the question.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- What was the question?- Yes.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- I've written one for you.- Yeah?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- I've written one for you. - OK, here we go.- How about like,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# What year are we in today?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# When am I born? Just take that away
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# You don't have to be a whiz,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# That's how old Rhod Gilbert is. #
0:17:40 > 0:17:45APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Sweet!- Very good.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I've just followed your poetic guidelines - I'm 48.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Is this... - At the risk of repetition,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53WHAT IS THE POINT OF A TAP IN THE OCEAN?!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Is it so that when sea levels rise, you can turn it off? I don't know.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- So it's not actually a water tap. - It's not a tap.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01- No, it's a rather... - Oh, tap, oh...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And so what else could you tap? What is another kind of tapping
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- that people do when they're trying to listen in?- I know.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- TAPS DESK - There's a shark behind you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Yeah.- Is it a wire,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15when they put a transatlantic radio communications wire?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16So, it's Cold War.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It's called Operation: Ivy Bells, and it took place from 1971 to 1981,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23and it was the USA wire-tapping a Russian underseas cable.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25That thing - they're moving it into position there -
0:18:25 > 0:18:28is a giant tape recorder, and they just put it onto the wire.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- Good God! - So the sailors on a submarine,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- the USS Halibut, located a Soviet cable...- USS Halibut!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38They located a Russian cable off the Russian east coast,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and they moved a six-metre long recording pod around it
0:18:40 > 0:18:42to track the communications.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44The thing I really like about it, because this - we're talking
0:18:44 > 0:18:48some years ago now - the device had to be updated every month,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52so divers had to leave a submarine once a month and change the tapes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55But it was hugely successful, it ran for a decade,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58until a National Security Agency employee of the United States
0:18:58 > 0:19:00sold the information to the KGB.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Spying was a lot more hassle back then,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05when you've got to train a team of divers, get submarines...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Yeah.- Now you just need somebody's maiden name
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- and their first pet's name, and you're off.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Or if you're the Russians, you just have to go and see Donald Trump
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and ask him.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18APPLAUSE
0:19:20 > 0:19:2199% of all international data
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- is transmitted through underseas cables.- Good Lord!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25And so you know when we talk about the cloud?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27It's actually underwater.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28The cloud is underwater, Sandi?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Good Lord.- That's done your head in, hasn't it, Rhod?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Yes.- How old am I again?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38# Happy birthday to you... #
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'm going to write down 48 and make a badge.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44There we go.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49550,000 miles of cable, so enough to get to the moon and back. And...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51If you were on the moon, and you jumped off...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Yes? - ..would you land on the earth?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Hold on, hold on, what are you doing on the moon anyway?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Well, I don't know, maybe...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Have you been left behind by a spacecraft?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yeah. You got an Uber, and it went horribly wrong.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It depends which side you're on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I just think if you jumped off the moon, you would just fall...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- ..and you'd land on earth. - Yeah.- No.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10I don't think you'd be in a great state.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I mean I think you'd be like Wound Man by the time you got down.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14- BILL:- Yeah, you would. Yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- KATHERINE:- They know about space, this is my problem with the sea.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Right.- They can tell us all kinds of things about planets and space
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and other galaxies, they've been to the moon, allegedly,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25but they've not been to the bottom of the sea.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I've been to the bottom of the sea, in parts of it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Have you?- Yes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- What's down there?- My feet.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Now, which body part was used to stop the Netherlands flooding
0:20:37 > 0:20:40in 1953?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yes, Bill?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Somebody put their finger in a dyke.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47KLAXON
0:20:49 > 0:20:51No, it's been mentioned on QI before,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54the story of the Dutch boy sticking his finger in the dyke is a myth.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56What other body part might you put in a hole to...?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Anybody?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02- The penis.- Penis!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04KLAXON
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Hurray!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07I was sucked into that!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I can categorically tell you no dyke needs a penis. So...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Wahey!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:22No, sadly 100 men just put their shoulders against the water barrier,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24that's all. So it feels...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT I know, tame, it feels really tame.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Is that what it is?- Yeah.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29But there is a story of sort of plugging a hole,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31it's done in a rather more dramatic manner.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34So these were the great North Sea floods, and there was a danger of
0:21:34 > 0:21:37three million people being at risk if this particular dyke had burst.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41And what the mayor of the town did, he requisitioned a grain barge,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and he ordered the captain to steer it directly at the dyke head-first,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47and it plugged the breach and it saved thousands of lives.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, yeah, there is a story where somebody did something heroic, but
0:21:50 > 0:21:54it was neither done with a finger nor their nether part of any kind.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56That must have been difficult, the water rushing.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yes. And the captain having to decide to do that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Trying to steer it. They could make that a film with Tom Hanks.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Did you know that some British canals have got plugs in them?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11In 1978, a man called Bill Thorpe was employed to work on
0:22:11 > 0:22:14the 18th century Chesterfield Canal - there it is, extremely beautiful -
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and he was dredging the canal to get rid of rubbish,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and he accidentally pulled the plug out.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And when he got back to work the next day, the canal was gone.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Gone!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Most canals were built with some form of emergency drainage,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29but he had no idea there was a plug.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Now for the mopping-up operation that we call General Ignorance.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41To the nearest five years, what was the average age in the Home Guard?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Yes, Rhod?
0:22:42 > 0:22:4360.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45KLAXON
0:22:45 > 0:22:4660 is a very, very fine answer.
0:22:46 > 0:22:4735.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- It's 30. It's...- 30. - I was going to say 30! Oh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Damn!- I went up to 35!- Yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54But 30 was my first thought!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Half of the membership was younger than 27, and a third was under 18,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00so the average age was about 30.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03My dad was from Ebbw Vale, and my mum was from Abertillery,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and they used to have... The Home Guards in each of
0:23:05 > 0:23:08those towns in the Welsh valleys used to battle each other, you know.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11What they used to have to do was take the flag off the town hall
0:23:11 > 0:23:14of the opposite town's thing.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18And he said that all the Ebbw Vale boys were up in the hills,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20trying to make their way through the kind of forests and stuff,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23across to Abertillery, and then they looked down and saw on the road
0:23:23 > 0:23:26below, and the Abertillery boys were going into Ebbw Vale on the bus.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It was incredibly popular, being in the Home Guard.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36So when they established it, they thought about 150,000 men
0:23:36 > 0:23:40would volunteer, and in the first 24 hours, 250,000 men signed up.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44At the end of June, 1940, over a million, 1942, nearly two million.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46My grandfather was an ARP warden,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and I thought that was quite special when I was a kid.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And then I looked into it, and there were 1.2 million ARP wardens.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Yeah, it was, it was...- People just volunteered for everything.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56They wanted to help.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59If you put it in context, the Chinese People's Liberation Army,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01which is the largest army in the world, has got 2.2 million men.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04And we had two million people in the Home Guard.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06But they did very important work - anti-aircraft guns,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08coastal artillery, and in fact, over the war,
0:24:08 > 0:24:111,206 Home Guard men were killed on duty, or died of their wounds.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13So not quite the comic thing that Dad's Army shows us.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- I see.- Now, how many stars are there in Orion's Belt?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Three.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22KLAXON Three. Yay!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Five, there's five.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28KLAXON Five, no, there aren't five.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Seven, there's seven.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33KLAXON Seven, there's not seven.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It looks like three, it's one of the most famous things.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Do you call it Orion's Belt, or do you refer to it...?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yeah. I mean, we have the same solar system.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49But it has... It has lots and lots of different names,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52so in Latin America they call it the Three Marys,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54the Arabic name is the Accurate Scale Beam.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Really? I mean, what is it going to be,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58hundreds of thousands, but looks like three?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, it is in fact nine, is the answer that we were looking for.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- One more go, I'd have got it! - It looks like... I know.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I was going to go nine next. I was going in twos.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I know. It was like the guy who invented Six Up,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10and he was so close to a successful soft drink.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14There are the three that we think of,
0:25:14 > 0:25:15the bright ones that you can see.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18They're called Mintaka, Alnilam, and Alnitak.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21But if we take Alnitak, it's actually three different stars.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25There's a blue super giant and two smaller companions.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And each of the three main stars in Orion's Belt is at least
0:25:27 > 0:25:3320 times the size of the sun, and at least 18,000 times brighter.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Blimey.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- But it's just far away? - It's so far away.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- This is why I hate space!- Why?
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Because I don't have the ability to conceptually understand
0:25:44 > 0:25:48how a mathematician can go, "Oh, well, because of this and this,
0:25:48 > 0:25:53"and my periscope, then, like, it's that far away".
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I don't understand.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- BILL:- That's where you're going wrong.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Using a submarine, that's the... - Using a submarine.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Orion's Belt may have three notches,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05but it's actually made up of nine stars.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Now then, one test of a great surgeon
0:26:07 > 0:26:10is their ability to concentrate while under stress.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12So, while you are answering the next question,
0:26:12 > 0:26:17you have got next to you bananas, and you have got a needle.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20So this is how surgeons learn to do surgery.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25What I would like you to do is half-peel the banana, like this, OK?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Your needle has been already threaded for you.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And I want you to sew the banana back together.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I can't. I can't open it.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Can't open it?! Monkeys have mastered this, Alan.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Darling, put it higher up, because that looks awful.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Can't open it!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Argh!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Argh!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Before you start, what's your first question?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Am I a surgeon?- Is this the banana you were looking for?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Yes! Have I got the right banana?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02- Yes.- Is exactly right. OK.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So try and sew the banana back together.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Now one of the great tests, because the whole thing
0:27:06 > 0:27:08about a surgeon is the ability to concentrate,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I want you to tell me the name of the food that you are holding
0:27:11 > 0:27:14if it was made without using any pesticides.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Organic banana.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17KLAXON
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Organic banana, there we go. Off and running.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Oh, me thread's not enough. - Might as well go for it - plum.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Mine's a mess.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Katherine's doing a wonderful job here.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29This is where I shine on a panel show of lots of men.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, look at that!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34In fact, although it's true that organic food contains
0:27:34 > 0:27:36fewer pesticides or fertilisers than any other foods,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38the answer is that none of them contain none.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I'm afraid, if you're eating organic food and you think,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45"Yay, look at me," it has all got a bit of pesticide in it.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I'll tell you what, I have made quite an effective sort of dolphin
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- there, look at that. - Actually, yeah.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Let's put our bananas away.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00That brings us to the end of tonight's operation.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02The anaesthetic is wearing off, the gloves are in the bin,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and the panel and the bananas have been royally stitched up,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08which brings us to the scores.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11And, with minus 35, yes, indeed, it's Rhod.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Equally creditable minus 27, Bill.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- APPLAUSE - Hurrah!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Minus 16, Alan.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32And with an amazing whole 4 points, Katherine!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:44It only remains for me to thank Katherine, Rhod, Bill, and Alan.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And I leave you with this -
0:28:46 > 0:28:48when the West German Chancellor Konrad Adenauer
0:28:48 > 0:28:50succumbed to a heavy cold at the age of 90,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52he did nothing but complain to his doctor.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54"I'm not a magician," said the doctor.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55"I can't make you young again."
0:28:55 > 0:28:57"I haven't asked you to," said the Chancellor.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"All I want is to go on getting older."
0:29:00 > 0:29:01Thank you, and good night.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03APPLAUSE