0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello, and welcome, welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:41where the weather outside is frightful,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44but the fire is so delightful.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I am of course your angelic host,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49and gathered around my blazing saddles this Christmas night,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51we have a sprig of Holly Walsh...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..Jason three wise Manford...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..Romesh the red-nosed Ranganathan...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12..and yonder peasant, who is he?
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Alan Davies.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Holly goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- CHOIR:- # O little town of Bethlehem... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Aww, that's nice. Jason goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- CHOIR:- # O come all ye faithful... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's the O series, do you see? "O."
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Romesh goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- CHOIR:- # O Christmas tree O Christmas tree... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Some people are never happy. And Alan goes...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54# Grandma got run over by a reindeer... #
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Right, let's get off and running.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Where do the Christmas celebrations always end up in a fist fight?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03My house.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05KLAXON BLARES
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Is it a fighting household, darling?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Erm... It's the only day of the year
0:02:11 > 0:02:15where you can start drinking at breakfast, isn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Like...- Unless you're from Denmark, in which case, hey, whenever.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Any other time of the year there's an intervention,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- but Christmas Day you're like, "Ah, come on!"- Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Let's have a bit of Bailey's on your cornflakes."
0:02:24 > 0:02:27See, it's funny, cos the Danes don't really have a tradition
0:02:27 > 0:02:28of that kind of fighting at Christmas.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What we do is, we do silent resentment.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Oh, that's good. - It's much more Nordic.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36My brother and I are both married to white women,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and at Christmas my mum will invite us all round,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and then she'll do two dinners, like a roast and a curry.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43And then it just looks like
0:02:43 > 0:02:45we're encouraging racial segregation at Christmas.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Well, I'm going to find out if that's true,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51cos your mum's here in the audience. Shanthi.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Hello, welcome to the show.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Is there fighting at the holiday season? Is there fighting?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Er...they do. They do fight.- Yeah.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They do fight, yeah, both of them.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Well, my mum... It's lovely to have you here, Mum.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Thank you. Thank you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10..but she has encouraged my brother and I
0:03:10 > 0:03:13to both have very low self-esteem.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That's contributed to it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, there is a place in the world where people fight on Christmas Day,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and they do it on purpose, in Peru.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24A town called Santo Tomas - it's high up in the Peruvian Andes,
0:03:24 > 0:03:2612,000 feet above sea level -
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and they have a tradition which is called Takanakuy,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and it happens on the 25th of December every year.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34People dress up in costumes, and then they have fist fights,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and they take place between every kind of participant,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39between the young and the old, men and women, rich, poor, sober...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40- Wow.- ..quite a lot of drunk people.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And the idea is they're settling all their differences
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that have occurred during the course of the year.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And it can be anything - it can be a property dispute,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50it could be a spilled beer, it could be a stolen partner,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52or sheep or...whatever.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55There's a cultural sort of outreach thing in Crawley
0:03:55 > 0:03:58where we sort of celebrate that, as well - it's called Wetherspoons.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:05But is it legally binding?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06- Yes, it is legally binding.- Right.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Whoever wins, whatever the dispute was,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10that's it, they have to settle it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12So they do this on Christmas Day, but...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14..what do they do on Boxing Day, eh?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I got there!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's good to have an element of panto in the show, which I like.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's behind you! Your career.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31But the reason why we have family fights at Christmas,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33it's what known as hypercopresence.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36The idea is that we are forced to spend long periods of time
0:04:36 > 0:04:39with people that we don't want to, and it's what Sigmund Freud called
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"the narcissism of small differences."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43We just have our own family Christmas now,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46with just me and Katie and the three kids, and that is brilliant.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I thought my children, when they grew up, would go away,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and what they've done is gone away and brought back other people
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I don't know. LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:59When I took my husband home for our first Christmas together,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I got so self-conscious about all the things
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- that my family do at Christmas. - What do you do that's odd?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Well, we have a set of bells that we all... We sit round,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08we each have a different...
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Anybody?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- OK, we've got a set of bells. - Yeah.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- There's eight bells.- Eight bells. - How many of you?- Full octave.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- There's only four in my family.- Oh, two bells each.- Yeah.- That's lucky.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- But now my husband's joined, it's... - Oh, no!- Yeah.- He's spoilt it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- No, that's good, that's another person.- Oh, it's good.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- ROMESH:- "But that's another person" -
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm glad you recognise him as such, Holly, that's lovely.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- HOLLY:- And in about 1987, my mum wrote out loads of Christmas songs
0:05:33 > 0:05:37on sort of boards with all the bell numbers...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Right.- ..and we just do that for about two or three days.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- ROMESH:- We have a similar thing where Mum and Dad's friends
0:05:45 > 0:05:47would come over, Sri Lankan friends, and they would get drunk,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49then they would turn over bins and stuff like that,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and then start banging on them,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53and singing, like, old traditional Sri Lankan songs.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Is that true, Shanthi, is that true?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yes, it's very true. It's very true.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59We're checking everything you say, Romesh.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- ALAN:- Confirmation, please!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You'll have the gig from hell -
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Can we have confirmation that he's telling the truth?"
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I've got this horrible judgmental Wikipedia sitting over here.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Checking on your gags. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Yeah, "That's true, Sandi, don't worry,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"you can carry on with the anecdote, off you go."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Someone from Holly's family going,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"That's a load of shit about the bells!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"There are 16 bells, you lying cow!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So, like, they would get buckets and turn them over,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and then just, like, my dad would just be...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41DRUMS ON DESK AND HUMS TUNE
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Like that, for, like, hours.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- And then once...- Do you two live anywhere near each other?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Calling us up, go a little tour, coffee and cream, on the road.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56But then, one Christmas we did that, and then the next morning,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59we took the blanket off the budgie cage, and they were dead.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Wait a minute, had you beaten the birds to death?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07No, they just didn't like Sri Lankan music.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I think your mum thinks that's not true.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"We never had a budgie!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Just really racist budgies, you know?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Right, moving on,
0:07:21 > 0:07:25which of these items belong on a very traditional Christmas tree?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28So you have a tree, and you have some items.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30So we're going to decorate our trees now.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Does anybody know where do we get the Christmas tree from?- Germany?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Germany, indeed, evolved from the Paradeisbaum.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Paradise tree, so it's part of a medieval morality play
0:07:39 > 0:07:43which was based on Adam and Eve, and it was staged on Christmas Eve.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46It's supposedly the name day of Adam and Eve in the Christian calendar.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51So, let's start with apples and snakes. Would you put these...?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Would you put these on your tree, apples and snakes?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59We're doing traditional and non-traditional things.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Er...possibly the apple? - Well, if it was...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Yes?- If it was Adam and Eve's birthday...
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Yes?- Then, yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Absolutely right,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09so these are the traditional things that go on the tree.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10The snake?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11What about the baubles?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- No.- Can't be.- Why not?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Because it's too... There's no way you'd let us get away with that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- No.- Yeah, absolutely right - they're fake apples.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Fake apples!- So they represent... Yeah, they represent the apples.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Yeah, I remember the last time I tucked into one of these bad boys.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Delicious, the old silver glitter.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Let's do... Which? Which on the tree?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:37The angel or the union flag?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Which one are we going to go for?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- I'm going to go with the union flag, I think.- Yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- ROMESH:- I much prefer the union flag.- Yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45So that is...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You're absolutely right - that is the traditional thing.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51So, 18th century Christmas, British Empire,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53it is the only proper thing to top the tree.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- I've always felt odd about that moment of...- Putting the angel on.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You know, when you've got the angel,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and you're like putting the tree up its arse, like, something feels...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02But do you know why we don't have the flag,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- we have the angel instead now?- No.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07So, the angel represents Gabriel in the nativity story,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10but it's a 19th-century invention made popular by Victoria and Albert,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13who should have had the union flag on the tree, but they were German.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- So they had the angel instead.- Oh.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19OK, so lights or candles on the tree? Which is traditional?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Oh, it's got to be candles. - It is candles, absolutely.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23The legend is that Martin Luther
0:09:23 > 0:09:25was inspired to put candles on the tree -
0:09:25 > 0:09:29so we're talking 1536 - after he saw thousands of stars
0:09:29 > 0:09:31glinting through the branches of the trees in the forest.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But to be fair, electronic lights weren't an option then.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No, that's...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, you do get candles even earlier than that -
0:09:40 > 0:09:41you do get candles about the 1440's.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45There was an amazing group called the Brotherhood of the Blackheads.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Who doesn't want to join? Brotherhood of the Blackheads.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- That's my entire teenage years summed up at once.- Yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55They were unmarried merchants in Estonia, and they put up
0:09:55 > 0:09:57one of the first Christmas trees that had candles on it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03Let's do paper, flowers, wafers and tinsel. Which ones are traditional?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, and how about some chocolate?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Which of those are we going to go for?- Chocolate on the tree?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- On the tree, traditional?- Chocolate.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11..is the one that is in fact not traditional at all.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Of course.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14The others...
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Good day to you.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- So the wafer?- All I can hear is Romesh's mum
0:10:19 > 0:10:21laughing in the speaker behind me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Mum, Alan wants you to shut up.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- YOU shut up!- Yes, Shanthi, yes!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Guys, guys, it's Christmas, OK. All right? Just...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Romesh, go and give your mother a nice chocolate and be nice.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Be nice.- Sorry.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Shanthi, what do you think about the beard?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53The beard looks good, doesn't it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55He looks like his dad, actually.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER I think it looks very nice.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59He didn't have a beard like this, did he?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- He did. He did.- Oh, right. - I hated it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:06APPLAUSE
0:11:11 > 0:11:13OK. Trees away, please.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16THUD
0:11:16 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Now, which king appeared on the first British Christmas stamp?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Er...George V.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27KLAXON BLARES
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Wenceslas.- Yes.- Yeah!- Yes!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You're absolutely right.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43So, 1963, the then Postmaster General was Tony Benn,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and he launched a competition
0:11:45 > 0:11:47in conjunction with Blue Peter and the Post Office
0:11:47 > 0:11:50to design Britain's very first Christmas stamp,
0:11:50 > 0:11:55and six-year-old Tasveer Shemza - that's her there on the right -
0:11:55 > 0:11:59she won with a Good King Wenceslas design, and James Berry,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02next to her, he got a 1/6d stamp, but here is her stamp.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03So he was the only king on the stamp,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07because of course the monarch is Queen Elizabeth II.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08And Tasveer is in the audience...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Shut the front door!- There she is, all grown up.- Ah!
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Congratulations!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Tasveer, did you...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27That's the longest round of applause we've ever had for anything.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29They LOVE your stamp!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Tasveer, was the picture based on anybody?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Well, it was indeed, yes. It's not King Wenceslas...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Right.- ..as people say - it was actually a picture of my dad.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, a picture of your dad!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And we've got... There he is.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I think you did very well with that.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Sorry, if your dad is wearing that hat,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I think he's a bit above his station.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52What I love about this is the stamp was issued in 1966,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56so in fact Daleks, which were introduced in 1963,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59are an older Christmas tradition than Christmas stamps
0:12:59 > 0:13:00here in the UK.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Do you know who that is in the picture?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Is it one of the Doctors, William Hartnell?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06It was William Hartnell, the very first Doctor Who.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Was the first Doctor Who really old, then?- Yes.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11He was THAT old, in fact.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It was something about wisdom and gravitas with the role.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Yeah. Well, I mean, with your new white beard, you could be up for it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- ROMESH:- Yeah.- Yeah. HOLLY:- I think now that beards are so...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I don't think the beard cancels out the skin.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- I think you'd be a really good Doctor Who.- Do you think so?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Yeah.- JASON:- And your mum could be like Doctor Who's sidekick.- Oh!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Oh, my God!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33The first Doctor to top himself.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Which is best for Christmas cards - first class or second class?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Makes no odds. - It doesn't really make a difference.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I don't think we have a second-class stamp any more, do we?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Yeah, yeah, no, you do. - Oh, how posh are you?!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- ROMESH:- Things are going all right for Jason Manford, aren't they?!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57So, the Post Office guarantees with first-class delivery
0:13:57 > 0:13:59that 93% of it will be delivered within one working day.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Oh, I see.- 93, not 100%?- No.
0:14:01 > 0:14:0493% guaranteed, but at Christmas, that is formally suspended,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06and they only manage 50% next-day delivery,
0:14:06 > 0:14:07so frankly, you might as well...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10So how can they live with themselves and sell some people...?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13If you were to go in and say, "Can I have a first class stamp,"
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- they should say, "No." - Don't bother.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17We don't sell them, because that's morally wrong.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I had a girlfriend once who thought that if you put more stamps on,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24it would get there quicker.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Five first-class stamps on a letter.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Actually, Sandi, my mum can step in here,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- because she works for Royal Mail, don't you, Mum?- Yes, I do.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- And there are second-class stamps, are there not?- Yes, there are.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah, there's second-class stamps.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What have you got to say about this 50% success rate scandal?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- My lips are sealed! - No, speak up, you're here!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Now answer the question!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- You said it on the way here.- What?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You said you thought Royal Mail was crap,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- and you wished you didn't have to work there.- I never said that!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57I never said that.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Anyway, please can you thank Tasveer Shemza?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Now, it's time to wrap our presents in the great QI wrapping race.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16OK, so under your respective desks,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19you're going to find paper and scissors and tape,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and I would like you to beautifully wrap the things you've got.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25So Romesh, you need to wrap the game that we've got there for you,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and if you could find the best way of...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Wrap that for me.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36And Alan, if you could wrap yours, there we are, that's lovely.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And what have you guys got to wrap up?
0:15:40 > 0:15:45Lovely. So, what do we reckon? Best way to wrap these things up?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Are you going to say, "Ready, steady, go"?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Ready, steady, go. Whoever does it best...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Looks good. - I think I've finished, Sandi.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08OK, let me see, let me see.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Alan is the winner, I think, got there first.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:14OK.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18So, awkward items, what you need is a life-hack, OK,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20to wrap something awkward.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23So I've got here a small American football
0:16:23 > 0:16:25and a single piece of paper, and what you actually do,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and you could have done it with any of your items,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31is you take your paper, and you fold it like this,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36and then put some tape down the middle like this.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40and then you need to fold the piece of paper like this...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41and fold it in...
0:16:42 > 0:16:47..and then put some Sellotape on that, like this...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54It's a really brilliant way to wrap an awkward thing.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57It is basically a bag with a gusset
0:16:57 > 0:16:59that you can make out of a single piece of paper,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and you make it like that, and you stick your awkward thing inside,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- and you have a very neatly wrapped gift.- Oh, my God!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Right, let's put the presents away, please.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Now, because it's Christmas, we're going to play a quick game.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20The envelopes have got your name on them.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Oh, here we go. Ooh!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Inside the envelope you'll find a two-syllable word.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Here's what you have to do - you have to act out the first syllable,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29then the second, then the whole thing,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and only then can we guess what the word is.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34OK? Right, Alan, off you go.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- OK. I'm not allowed to speak, am I?- No.- No, OK.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45So this is the first syllable.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49OK.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Right, that's the first syllable. - OK, yeah.- Second syllable.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Very good. And now the whole thing.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Bagpipe.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Yes. Very, very good, well done.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Romesh?- I don't think I can do mine. - Why?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08I just can't.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Yes, you can.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- OK.- Yes, and your mum believes in you, she just said yes behind me.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- SHANTHI:- Yeah, try. Try. - Yes, see, "Try," says your mum.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Yeah, why don't you try?- "Oh, well, if you believe in me, Mum!"
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Doesn't change the word, love, all right? It's still impossible.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28OK.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- So, first syllable.- Yeah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Oh good, yeah, good.- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- OK.- That's that bit. - Yeah. Second syllable?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39No idea what that was.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40- Shark.- OK, the whole thing?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- HOLLY:- Pie shark?- A pie shark? - A pie shark?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Is it a pie shark?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51It is, I can't believe you got it, it IS a pie shark!
0:18:51 > 0:18:52What is the first bit, so...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- First thing?- I thought it was going to be difficult,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00but she's absolutely nailed that. Astonishing!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04You're the only other person I know that's heard of pie shark,
0:19:04 > 0:19:05it's amazing!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You were right, Mum - I CAN do it!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10APPLAUSE
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Show everybody the card.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- It's a muff!- Muffin!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- Muffin.- Muffin.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Have a go.- Me?- Yeah.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Right. Erm...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Bum.- Don't guess yet!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- ROMESH:- There's only three rules in this game, Holly!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- And then the whole thing. - OK, and the whole thing. Er...
0:19:48 > 0:19:49OK. Anybody?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Pie shark?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Bum hands.- Bum ring?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- What's that?- What did you say?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I said bum ring.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Bum...ring?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Bum ring, really, on QI?! - How did we get to bum ring?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12It's a bum ring, cos he went like that, he went like that...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14But what was the thing when he was walking around?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16It's the sort of thing that a bum ring would do.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22What he did there, I thought, "He looks like such a bum ring."
0:20:22 > 0:20:23What does it say on your card?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Bumbling.- Bumbling.- Oh, bumbling!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Bum-bling.- Bling!- Bling!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Right, Holly.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Hang on a minute, why is your clue in your sock?- Oh, the foot's out.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- OK, first one.- Foot!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Don't guess yet!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Yeah, second one.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Oh, God.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46This is very awkward.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Is it football?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54It WAS football - very well done.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59That is how they used to play charades.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It came from France, actually, the game,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04but it was codified by the brothers Mayhew, Henry and Horace,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and they decided those were the rules.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10But I think the jokes were supposed to be out of muff-fin -
0:21:10 > 0:21:12that was the idea, so breast-plate, or cock-ade,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15or any of those things was meant to be hilarious.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Now we invite QI's Lord of Misrule to the fireside
0:21:17 > 0:21:19for the round we call General Ignorance.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25What did robins originally represent on Christmas cards?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Evil?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Can you imagine anything less evil?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Was it something to do with being stabbed, or blood?- What?!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- You know...- I love how your mind works, but it puzzles me.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- The red breast.- Yes. So, Christmas, traditional stabbing time.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- OK, anybody in the audience know? AUDIENCE MEMBER:- The postman.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Postmen. KLAXON BLARES
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh, it looks so easy, doesn't it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:05The fact is, robins have been associated with Christmas
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- long before Victorian... - Long before Jesus.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Long before Victorian postmen and their red outfits.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18So the idea that robins on cards originally represented the postman,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20as, I have to say, stated in a previous QI,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24is wrong, and so thank goodness I am here to clear up this terrible mess.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Thank God you're here.- I know.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28There's a traditional Christmas song called The Robin's Appeal,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31so pictures of robins on cards appear to have been there
0:22:31 > 0:22:32to represent robins.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34But it's changed over the years, so in the 1860s,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36they had robins on Christmas cards,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and they were depicted as being comic,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41then in the 1870s, they get rather sentimental.
0:22:41 > 0:22:451880s, it's... I don't know what happened - they just show them dead.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46I don't know what's...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- This is stabbing.- There must have been a terrible epidemic.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- ROMESH:- Look at... I mean, it says, "May yours be a joyful Christmas."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Despite what we said on an earlier season of QI,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06robins on Christmas cards probably represent not postmen but robins.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And finally, what should I do if I spill red wine on the tablecloth?
0:23:11 > 0:23:16So, gentlemen, I'm going to give you a tablecloth,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18and you've got some wine between you.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22All right, there we go.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24If you think any of it's going on the tablecloth,
0:23:24 > 0:23:25you are sadly mistaken.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I've had drinks with you before, and I suspect I am not mistaken.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- OK, so...- Pouring the red on? - Do a bit of red on.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Little bit of red on there.- OK. Now, what would you do about that?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!"
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Oh! Get some white wine, get some white wine!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50KLAXON BLARES
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Can we try it at least? - You can give it a go, yeah.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I mean, it's a bit unfair to give us white wine
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- and then have a go at us for mentioning it, but...- OK, have a go.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- So...- It's gone, it's gone!
0:24:05 > 0:24:10So, it will dilute the stain, but it contains complex sugars.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13It's perfectly possible that the white wine will discolour the cloth.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So, you two, you've got a bit of carpet that you've spilled yours on.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- OK.- I have seen that work, though.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Spill a bit of red. - Shall I spill it?- Yeah, go on.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's liberty hall. There we go.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Oh, God!- Red on the carpet... Wow, you just went crazy!
0:24:27 > 0:24:31You assumed that you were doing just the one experiment, did you, Holly?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33And you were going to get it right first time out of the gate?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Right, Jason, what are you going to do?- I've got all sorts here.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- OK.- I think there's some... Is that soda water?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Er...yes, that's...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Water, maybe a bit of salt. - Yes? OK, you were doing...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45KLAXON BLARES
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- But not salt?- Not salt.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Salt will absorb the wine initially, but it's also a fixative,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52so unless you manage to get all the salt out,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54it is possible that what you're actually doing
0:24:54 > 0:24:55is making the stain permanent.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Well, this is... This is doing a good job.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- So, the tip is, blot it... - I can't open the vinegar.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02So, again, the vinegar, frankly no better than water,
0:25:02 > 0:25:03and extremely expensive.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- What's this, then? - No better than water!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's also acidic, so it's going to possibly discolour the cloth.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's going through the desk! It's going through the desk!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Argh, it's like Alien!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17- So the tip is...- Get Ripley!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19The tip is to... Oh, no.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Well, that's put that fire out.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- That didn't work, Sandi. - That didn't work, no.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38What you need to do is blot it with kitchen paper.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I was going to take this notebook home.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Well, that's sorted that out, that's...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Don't spill your wine, that's the moral of the story.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52That's the trick.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54But actually, the answer is, you blot it with kitchen paper,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and all you need is tap water, not sparkling water.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Why not sparkling water? - Cos it's fizzy?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Cos it's really expensive!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Oh, it's stupidly expensive.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's really stupidly expensive.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06What have you done? You've made a mess.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- We haven't done nothing. - Underneath. Let me see.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09How do you get, erm...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11wine off expensive electrical equipment?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Well, I have to say, Sandi, that's bollocks,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20cos that hasn't worked, either.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Shanthi, what would you do, darling?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Washing-up liquid.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Washing-up liquid? - Oh, controversial!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30OK.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Yeah, but it's not... - Any particular brand?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- But not wasting white wine, am I right?- No.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- No, I won't.- I'll tell you what we did one year, actually...- Yeah?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41..is spilt a bit of red wine, then took one of the dead budgies,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43made it look like a murder scene.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49The bird died because somebody fell on the cage. I remember.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Did somebody fall on the cage?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Yeah, they were drunk, isn't it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:54That's why it died.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57It's not me!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- JASON:- Can I just say, the bird didn't die, the bird was murdered.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Yeah.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And a very merry Christmas to you all.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Yes, the only thing worse than spilling red wine
0:27:09 > 0:27:12is wasting good white wine trying to clean it up.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14And with that, we come to the end of the show,
0:27:14 > 0:27:15so let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, my goodness, it's a Christmas miracle -
0:27:19 > 0:27:21everybody came first equal!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Thanks to Holly, Jason, Romesh and Alan.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39But before we go, I've got one last Christmas present.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I absolutely love Christmas singing,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43so I wonder if there is anyone in the audience
0:27:43 > 0:27:45who's a member of a choir?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48- What?!- Wow!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51OK. Put your hands up,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53how many of you know We Wish You A Merry Christmas?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58OK. So here is my gift to you - the QI audience choir,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00conducted by Neville Creed.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
0:28:06 > 0:28:10# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:28:18 > 0:28:22# Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding
0:28:22 > 0:28:26# Now bring us some figgy pudding And bring some out here
0:28:26 > 0:28:30# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# We all like figgy pudding We all like figgy pudding
0:28:38 > 0:28:43# We all like figgy pudding So bring some out here
0:28:43 > 0:28:47# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:28:47 > 0:28:51# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:28:51 > 0:28:53# And we won't go until we've had some
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# We won't go until we've had some
0:28:55 > 0:28:59# We won't go until we've had some So bring some out here
0:28:59 > 0:29:03# Good tidings we bring To you and your kin
0:29:03 > 0:29:07# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year
0:29:07 > 0:29:09# A happy new year
0:29:09 > 0:29:17# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year. #
0:29:17 > 0:29:20APPLAUSE
0:29:23 > 0:29:25ALL: Merry Christmas!