0:00:04 > 0:00:07- It's locked.- Really? Strange.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09All dressed up for your blind date?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- It's not a blind date. It's just a lunch...- Date.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- ..with someone. - You've never met before.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Yes.- Do you want me to do your make-up?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Oh, yes please.- Cool.- It's locked.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20What's wrong with you?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Bumped into Michael last night.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24How did you bump into him?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28He was going through his garden and I was going through his rubbish.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Yeah, that's actually stalker. - Is it, though?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- BOTH: Yes. - Well, anyway, he ended it.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Oh, I'm sorry. But, you know, maybe that's a good thing.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39How can you possibly say that?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42OK. Let's go through the pros and the cons of this relationship.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47He's 20 years older than you, he's married, he just uses you for sex.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Yes, and what are the cons?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Those! Those are the cons!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Come and have a look. I've just been sick on a pigeon.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Oh, Gav!- Where's Sue?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57THEY SHRIEK
0:00:57 > 0:00:58I think she's upstairs.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Stop it! Sue! Stop it!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03You can take this.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Not the Xbox! Oh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And you can take this.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oh! Babe, look, babe, listen. Come on!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Everything's going to be all right.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And you can take this!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Hello, all right, girls. Ah! That's not even mine.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Babes! Babes!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Stop calling me "babes"! And you can get out. For good!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Look, all right, you've made your point, all right?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I am not going to do the job with Mouse.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And I'm never going to get into trouble again, all right?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- SIREN WAILS - I promise.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Trevor Wilson?- Yeah? - Come with us please, sir.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35- Well, I...- Come on!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38No, this isn't how it looks! No, it's not what it looks like!
0:01:38 > 0:01:46This programme contains some strong language
0:01:48 > 0:01:49SHE WINCES
0:01:49 > 0:01:52If he's not in prison, he's doing community poxy service.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Ouch!- Do you know what he did?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57He only broke into the jeweller's next door, the prat!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58What did he take?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01500 felty boxes. Didn't check if there was anything in them, the pillock!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Ow! Can, can you just... Can you really not... Ow!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You know what? I wouldn't mind.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06But they'll come after me next time,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08cos his name's on the deeds of this place.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- I think you should take these. - What is it?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Tranquillizers. I got 'em off the internet.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Mexican or something. Better than Valium.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Hold on! Do you think that's a good idea?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Mm, it is a great idea. - Yes, but it says, "Take one a day."
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's all right. Pills don't affect me.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24"Side effects include blurred vision, nausea, vomiting..."
0:02:24 > 0:02:25They always say that.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- "..numbness, amnesia, hallucinations..." - Yeah, that's fine.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- "..loss of appetite..."- Good! - "..loss of libido..."
0:02:31 > 0:02:32SHE LAUGHS Went years ago.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"..discoloration of urine, breathlessness..."
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Oh, whatever. - "..sudden death."- Bring it on!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Not sure I can call sudden death a side effect, can you?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, you can't talk. All those pills you pop.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43I bet they've got some side effects.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Yeah. Growing some boobs with any luck.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, got a sore hand. I think it's swollen.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50How did you do that?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I got it stuck in a Pringles tube last night.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- That sounds nasty.- For half an hour. I was really panicking.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I had to saw it off with a bread knife in the end,
0:02:58 > 0:02:59with the wrong hand.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- I once got my finger caught in a walnut.- Ooh!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Really painful.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05HE GROANS
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Ooh! Crazy night, last night?
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Oh, no, night before, with my mate Tiny.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10You know how it is when you get on the moggy
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and then you get really spaced out,
0:03:12 > 0:03:17so you knock out some speed to even it up after a couple o'drink. Two, two spliffy, just like that. Rar!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Yeah. Not really.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Actually, oh, I still feel a bit rough. Sue?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Can I ask you...?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Ah-ah-ah-ah, no bloody way!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26You've got Mrs Pube Hair waiting, and I'm not doing her.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28PHONE RINGS
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Oh, not you!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It's for you, Gavin.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Not you! Over there.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I'll be with you in a minute, Mrs P. Yeah, Gar.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Yeah, it is. No, no, I didn't.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44No, that wasn't me. Oh, you're lying! You're lying!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46All right, yeah. Thanks.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48What's happened?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Someone's stolen my card. Been spending all my money.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- I'm up to the max. I'm past the max. - Oh, no! What on?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55£1,000 at Argos.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Nothing costs £1,000 in Argos!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Apart from electrical goods. They're really expensive.- Really?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Yeah. Like, an ink-jet printer is 289.99.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06A quality fridge-freezer is 699.99.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Power tools, you're looking up to 249.99.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Ooh, and you could spend a grand on a treadmill without even trying.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18You think that's weird? She can actually draw the barcodes as well.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Yep.- I'm having one of those. - Oh, how come?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Well, first of all, whenever I want to use the remote control,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29the batteries are in my vibrator. And when I want to use my vibrator,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31the batteries are in the remote control.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36You should've come to my car boot sale yesterday. All I sold were the batteries out of my old Walkman.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Have you still got the stuff you were selling?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, you're kidding! The boot of my car is completely full of crap.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Can I have a look at lunch? - Course. Why are you so dressed up?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Oh, I have a meeting with my debt counsellor.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48I wanted to look my best.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Ooh, where'd you get them from?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Annie's bike light.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Now, don't say I don't know how to please a woman in bed, yeah?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I'm not taking him back this time. No way. Annie!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04You're my witness. Do not let me take him back.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- Do you know what he did this time? - Yes.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- He sold a plasma TV from Feltham Young Offenders Unit.- You said.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yeah, he's the only man I know to have broken into a prison.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Sue! Sue! I need to get some clothes.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18No!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Listen, listen. It's good news. The court case is cancelled.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Yeah, what about the community service?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- I still got to do that. - So you're not going back to prison?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29No, once the community service is over, that's it.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Really? And you told Mouse you're not going to do that job?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Ah, well, there's a slight change of plan with that.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36The thing is, probably am going to do the job.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- Get out!- Ow! Listen!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Wait!- No, get out, you massive twat pie!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42HE SHRIEKS
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Gav! Your 11 o'clock's just cancelled.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Blow dry, madam?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I'm fine.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah, right, yeah. Thanks for letting me know.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56All right.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Thieves spent £100 in Next as well.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01No! What kind of person would do a thing like that?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04The kind of person with a brand-new outfit.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- No!- Yes! Just trust me, I'm channelling CSI right now.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Look at the facts. She got brand-new clothes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13We don't know they're from Next.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Where's your outfit from, Becky? - Next.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- We know it was from Next. - But she wouldn't steal.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- She does steal.- But not from us.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I'm not so sure.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24And I went into her room...
0:06:26 > 0:06:27..and she wouldn't do it
0:06:27 > 0:06:30until she'd turned every fluffy animal to face the wall.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32There were hundreds of them.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36There. You're done.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Oh, thanks. Whoa!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41That's an awful lot of make-up.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43HE LAUGHS
0:06:43 > 0:06:46You look like Chucky the killer doll.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Ignore him. She looks great, doesn't she, Becky?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Yep, really brings out your mouth.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Oh. Sue, how do I look?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Woo-hoo!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Yeah, anyway, it's not how you look, it's how you feel inside, isn't it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Yeah? You repeat after me - "I am a sexy, gorgeous, confident woman."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'm a gorgeous, sexy, just confident woman.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Yes, you are. Let's work it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10OK. OK, yeah.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Mmm, I've got a secret.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19OK. I've got a secret.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Yeah. That's it.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Very good. That is amazing. - Yeah, he's going to love it!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28So, what do I owe you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29- It's £30.- Right.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- So, is it true?- What?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- That you're...- Sagittarius? 'Fraid so.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40No, that you... That you're...
0:07:40 > 0:07:45A natural brunette? Well, look, between you and me, I'm not.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46No, not... No, not... No.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48No, that you... You've got...
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- New shoes? Oh! How did you know? - What size are they?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Seven.- Right, that's quite big, so...?- So, what?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So, what I'm saying is...
0:07:57 > 0:08:02you used to be Arsenal, now you're Tottenham.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05You... That you've changed teams.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Oh, I used to be Man City.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Right, and now you're...?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Man City.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Are we still talking about football?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm talking about football. What are you talking about?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I'm talking... I'm talking about the fact that you used to have a...
0:08:21 > 0:08:24No, you do. You do. You know what I'm saying.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Come on, you can tell me.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You're right. I can.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31But I don't want to.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Do you ever worry that you might be the Antichrist?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Not really.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I do.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Right, right, right.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Annie?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Yes.- I'm Lee.- Hi!- Hi!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59How are you?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm fine, I think. You?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I really like your hair.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oh, thanks very much.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I suppose you would have nice hair, being a hairdresser.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Not sure about that.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- So what do you do? - I haven't got a job at the moment.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26That's a shame. Is it a shame?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Yeah, yeah. I would like a job, but I haven't been well.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh. What is it? Is it...? You don't have to tell me, or...
0:09:33 > 0:09:37No, well, I had an accident so I was in hospital for a while.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh, dear. A car accident?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42No, no, no. It was stupid really.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I...fell out of window.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, crikey!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Bit drunk. I was celebrating Portsmouth winning the FA Cup.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Got a bit carried away.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Really did, didn't you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Aren't they doing really badly at the moment, though?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Yeah.- Oh. - Yeah, they are. This was in 2008.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Oh, oh.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I've, er...sort of...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09been in a coma until a couple of months ago.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- So, he comes over.- And then what?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18He said, "Want to come back to mine for pizza and a shag?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What did you say?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- I said, "What kind of pizza?" - And what did he say?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Margherita!
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Fuck off!- That's what I said. Bloody cheapskate.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Hey, hey! You'll never guess what. My wee has gone blue.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Do you want to have a look?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- No, thanks.- No, no, but it's blue. It's blue wee!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I appreciate the offer. I'm going to say no.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Hey! Do you want to see some blue wee?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44No! Gee!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49DOOR OPENS Hey, hey, hey! Where've you been?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Mmm? Er...nowhere. Just shopping.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Is that squareline guttering?- Maybe.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- I knew it.- It's not how it seems.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Yeah. A scale inhibitor.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- I can explain.- Flow valve, copper pipe, more end feed.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05This had better be good!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Mmm, well, I went to give Michael his jumper back, and it was raining,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- so I waited in the plumbing supply shop opposite. - From which you are barred!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- It's changed hands. - Did you see Michael?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Yeah. He said it's still over and that I am obsessive.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'm not obsessive. I've told him that 50,000 times by text.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Forget Michael. Come and see some blue wee.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Ooh, no. Thanks.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25No, but it's Smurf blue. What does it mean?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- It means you have been taking dodgy pills.- What pills?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- The ones off the internet... - Mmm?- ..that you have been taking.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- You're chatting rubbish. - In your bag.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh. Oh, these!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Shit, I forgot to take one.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, no way! You've had two already.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, well, can't hurt, can it? Come on, let's turn the music up.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45LIGHTER CLICKS
0:11:45 > 0:11:48MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yes! Tune!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Tune!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:11:55 > 0:11:58# We can reach, we can beach far beyond the Yellow Sea
0:11:58 > 0:12:00# We can sail, we can sail
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:12:02 > 0:12:06# From Peru to Cebu Hear the power of Babylon
0:12:06 > 0:12:07# We can sail... #
0:12:10 > 0:12:12STRAIGHTENERS CLACK
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Si, si, si, si, si.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18SHE STAMPS Ole! Oh-oh!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I love Spain.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I've been trying out some of the salon's products.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What do you think? Of the eyelashes?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Yeah...nice!- Do you like 'em?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Yeah. Do they look like a spider's died on my eyes?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36No.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39They do a bit, don't they? Or had a seizure.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42They're a bit... D'you know, they're a bit stiff and curly.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- They're fine, honest. - I tell you what, I'll do you a pair.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- No, I'm fine.- No, no, no, no, no! On the house. My treat.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You're going to love it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Only don't open your eyes when I put the glue in
0:12:50 > 0:12:52cos it hurts like FUCK!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53DOOR OPENS
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Babes, before you say anything, just listen.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- It's all going to be all right. - No, it's not going to be all right,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02because you get sent down again, I lose the one thing I love.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Babes!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Not you, you twat! The salon!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Why can't you just get a job, you knob?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10A proper one, not a dodgy one, selling knocked-off gear with Mouse.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That's what I've been trying to tell you. I have got a job.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Yeah? What kind of job?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17When the police pulled me in this morning, they've offered me a job.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Fuck off!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yeah, they did. As an informer.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23So, I'm going to do the job with Mouse,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and then I'm going to grass him up big time.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31I thought you'd be pleased.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I thought you wanted me to get a job and go straight.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It's not going straight.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39That is going bent in the other direction.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That's good, isn't it?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Trev! Three little words.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It is over!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Becky!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53You are my witness.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Right, let's get that glue.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Marianne, here are your keys. I'm taking the lot.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Really? But it's just a load of old tat.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05No, it's not. I've always wanted a dartboard, and dumbbells.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- I've got the money and everything. - Are you sure?- Definitely.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Great! That means I'm £100 closer to a pair of boobs!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Stuff it in your bra and you're pretty much there.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Hey! Hey! You'll never guess what!
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Your wee's gone blue.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19My wee has gone blue. How did you know that?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21You've already told us.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Marianne, Becky? Do you want to see some blue wee?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- No, ta!- It's...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27- Oh!- Are you all right?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Yeah, I'm fine, it's just my hands are a bit, you know?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Do you ever get that, when they're sort of...?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Not really.- It's like they belong to someone else.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36SHE GIGGLES
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Get off, it tickles.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41No, no, no, no! Just get off me!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Blue wee! - She'll be all right in five minutes.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56So, what do you watch when you're not...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58When...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00When you're conscious?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I like sport.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Obviously.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- I'm really into music. - Oh, yeah? Who do you like?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I'm mad about Michael Jackson. Always have been.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Yes. He is amazing.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Yeah.- Was amazing.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Was?- Yeah, he's dead now, isn't he?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Dead?
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Sorry, I thought you... Didn't think.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Michael Jackson's dead?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Sorry.- I'm sorry, I just...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I'm sorry.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38HE SOBS
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Oh, back again?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- I was just wondering...- What?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- If anyone's seen my phone.- Yeah, me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55It's in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58No, I'm not. No, I thought I'd left it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Well, you didn't.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04So, what's the deal with you? I've heard rumours.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Full of questions, aren't you? Let me ask you a question.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Why are you so interested?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- I'm not. I'm not.- Oh.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I wasn't. I didn't. I thought the... And then it wasn't.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Good! Right. Close the door behind you.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19- Right. Yeah.- OK. Bye!- Bye.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22This is when we'll put the card on a stop though, yeah?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25All right. Another £100.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Stick Studios. What's Stick Studios?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- No idea.- It's a tattoo parlour.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- How d'you know that? - I dunno. Just do.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Oh, calm down, Miss Marple. Could've been anyone.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41She's got that thing where she's scared to leave the house.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Agoraphobia?
0:16:43 > 0:16:44No. Homophobia.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Pretty sure it's agoraphobia.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'm pretty sure it's homophobia.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51SHE SCOFFS
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It was the worst sex I've ever had.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56He was like a seal trying to stay on a rock.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59What has happened to your foot?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I dunno, it's gone big. Oh, ignore it. It'll go away.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You can't ignore that. Let's google it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- It might be those pills. - That's what I said.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- What pills? - The ones that you've been taking.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Mmm?- Off the internet.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14They're in... Look, I give up.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Right, big foot.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21No, it's just a lot of blurry photos of a monkey.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- DOOR OPENS - Oh, she's back! How was it?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- Hi!- Yeah, it was good.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Was he nice?- Yeah, seemed nice. - Attractive?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Quite attractive. - So, are you seeing him again?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Oh, I don't think so. - Why not? He's nice, he's attractive.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- What's the problem?- Well...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Oh, no! You didn't show him your cat's Facebook page, did you?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- No!- Well, what, then? Something happened, didn't it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42What did you do?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- I sort of made him cry.- Ooh!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Ooh, in a Dire Straits, "When we made love he used to cry," sorta way?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- No, in a "Michael Jackson's dead" sort of way.- Hey?
0:17:51 > 0:17:56- He's been in a coma for four years. - Well, that's all right, isn't it?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58No. Yeah, yeah, of course it is.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's just we didn't know what to talk about.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03He didn't know about anything. He didn't know about William and Kate.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- He didn't know about Jedward. - Lucky bastard.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I wish Trev was in a coma.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12They said it was going to be a small operation,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15but it wasn't, and now she's... She's got a bag.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16A handbag?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18No, you know, a colostomy bag.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I bought a handbag yesterday. It was really expensive.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You know when you see something and you've just got to have it?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- She's so brave, you know.- Mmm.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27She said she's fine but the other day,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I went round earlier than usual and she was... Well, she was crying.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Ah! I cried the other day. I don't know why, it was mad.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Ooh, do you know what would cheer her up? Take her shopping.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- No, I don't think she could... - I got a Kindle cover.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It's really sort of bright pink,
0:18:41 > 0:18:45like a vibrant sort of... Darker than my hair, look.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48But lighter than her coat. Oh, a bit like your scar.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49I should probably get a Kindle now.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Which one's your new bag, Becky? - That one, why?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I'm going to see for myself if you've got my card.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- You can't do that.- Someone's spent £100 of my money at Next.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00How dare you?! This cost much more than £100.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04And you're, like, £20,000 in debt, so how can you afford it?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05I've got a card.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Yeah, my card.- No! - You spent a grand in Argos!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I wish!- You better give it back. - I haven't got it!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Well, let's just see then, shall we? - Hey, get off!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Well, let's see, then. Let's see, innit?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Gavin? Gavin?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Becky might have money troubles, but she's not a thief.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Hold on a minute, isn't that my bracelet?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Is it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yes. Yes, it is.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Busted!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Hey, who wants to help me choose some boobs?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Me!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Annie, what do you think of these ones?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Nice.- They seem fine.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Ooh! They look a bit arrogant.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Or I could go for something like this...- Yes!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Very round. - Oh, yeah, they're more pensive.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Or would something like this suit me?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- They're good. - They seem awfully taut.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, regretful, somehow.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Yeah. Maybe I should just go for some really big babushkas?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Definitely.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01That one looks like Gregg Wallace off MasterChef!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Tell you what you should do. You should get some like her.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08She's got surprising good tits. Wasted on her, really.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Hey, come on. Let's have a little feel.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- Oh, no...- Ooh! Oh! Oh, no, they don't feel so good.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17They're a bit like soup in a sock.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Is that soup, Gav, or is that more blancmange?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Sorry, can I...?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Look, Sue, sorry. I'm going to go and do a blow dry.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Where's Trev? I miss him.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27You chucked him out, remember?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30And you said to make sure you didn't take him back again.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Yes, that is right!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36There is no way that Twat King Cole is worming his way
0:20:36 > 0:20:37back into my life.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Marianne, you are my witness!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Annie! Annie, Annie, Annie!- Oh, hang on to your valuables, girls!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45All right. Cock off, yeah?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47And when you get there, just cock off a little bit further.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Guess what?- You stole my card? - Me and Michael are back together.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- How come? - I threatened to kill myself.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Oh, who says romance is dead?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55And you don't need to worry about his wife,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- because he said he's going to leave her.- When?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- When the children have left home. - How old are they now?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01He hasn't actually had any yet.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Oh, well, it's a match made in heaven, Becky.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What about you and Lee? Are you going to see him again?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I don't think so. We didn't have anything to talk about.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10We've got nothing in common.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12When was the last time you had a date? Yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Your fanny's been in a coma for four years.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15You've got loads in common.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yeah, because that's what I said.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23I said, I said, "If you haven't got it - because it was there in the morning,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"and now it's not there any more."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Is Annie here?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Are you coma boy?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'm Lee.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Oh, Lee! Lee!
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Oh, come here. Bless! Oh, I've got some bad news for you.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46Whitney, Winehouse, Elizabeth Taylor, the Queen Mum. All dead.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49The Queen Mum's been dead for ages.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Really? Have you felt her breasts?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I'm sorry?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Have you felt Annie's breasts?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Oh, no. No.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- I- have.- Right.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Lovely girl.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Yes.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I love her to bits. You couldn't do better than Annie.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05- No.- Mmm?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Well, if I leave my number, could you ask her to give me a ring?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Yes, I will. Yes, yes!
0:22:11 > 0:22:12OK. Yeah.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- Thank you.- That's all right. Annie, ring this number! Oh, oh, oh!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Just for the record,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Bob Holness, Richard Whiteley, Pat from EastEnders.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31All dead. Yeah! My cat, Alan, dead!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35The bloke off that programme I didn't like. Oh, dead!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38D-E-A-D. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Can anyone lend me a fag? - Why don't you just steal one? - Why don't you just shut up?
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- Can anyone lend me the money to buy a pack?- Just use my card. - I haven't stolen anything!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- ANNIE COUGHS - Apart from Annie's bracelet,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51but I was going to give that back, I promise.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- G-G-G-Gav!- What?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55THEY MIMIC GUNFIRE
0:22:59 > 0:23:01How you doing, man?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You had more of those drinks than I did, and you're fine!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Them things don't really affect me, bruv.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08It's been, like, two days because I feel like an evil pixie has
0:23:08 > 0:23:10crawled up my skull and he's punching the back of my eyeballs.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And another evil pixie, yeah, has removed all my teeth,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15but put them back again, but in the wrong holes!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And a tiny pygmy pixie has crawled up my nostril
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and left his pants there!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Worth it, though! THEY LAUGH
0:23:22 > 0:23:23It was great, wasn't it?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Where?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26That milkman's.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27What milkman?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29And you got that tattoo done.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30That weren't me, bruv.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Stick Studio.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34And then you spent,
0:23:34 > 0:23:39like, £1,000 on that ride-on lawnmower that you got from Argos!
0:23:39 > 0:23:44LAUGHING: And then he went up and down, up and down the High Street,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48like, four miles an hour.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53And, like, he had this amazing slow-motion crash with a milk float.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And then, he drunk up the milk like a cat!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And then the milkman said he was going to break our faces.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02But then you gave him that new watch that you got from Next,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06and you was going to give him some money, but then he lost his card and he passed out!
0:24:06 > 0:24:10HE LAUGHS He was passed out!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I beg you, I beg you do it again. Go laugh! Go on, go on, lap up, man!
0:24:14 > 0:24:15- Lap it up!- Bruv, no, that was...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Yeah, go on, Gavin. Lap up!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I can't believe it was you all along.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- I- bloody can! Accusing me!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26The good news is, no tosser stole your credit card.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28The bad news is, you're the tosser.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Mmm, you can say that again.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Becky, it's for you. It's someone called Dean.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34No, no, no, no! No, I'm not here.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- But you are here. - Pretend I'm not here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Why? Who is it?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42It's my debt counsellor and he's going to have a go at me
0:24:42 > 0:24:44because I didn't go to my meeting today.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- Why didn't you go?- Because I couldn't afford the bus fare!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Becky's dead. I'm sorry. Could you call back tomorrow?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Thank you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Here. Take it back.- What's this for?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59It's the money you gave me for my stuff. I can't take it.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00But no, you have to have it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- I really need the dumbbells and a dartboard.- You keep everything.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Really?- Yeah. Except the gaffer tape. I need that.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Thanks! Wow! Ooh, now I can get those boots that...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11No, Becky! No.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I'm giving you the money back on the condition that you use it to pay off some of your debt.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17SUE SHRIEKS
0:25:17 > 0:25:19What is it? What is it? Sue?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23A gi-gi-giant chipmunk in the cupboard. He's wearing a fez.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24He's holding an axe!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27There is a fucking chipmunk wearing a fez!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Quick, get out the way! Go!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Ah!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Yeah! Take that you chip-fucking-munk!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37£25 for the extinguisher, and there's 56 for the coffee machine.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And for the gowns. For the cost of the surgery.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43There, there! That is 200 quid.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44I've only got 100.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Well, give that to me, we'll put the rest on your slate.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You're going to be working here for the rest of your life.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52So unfair. Why can't she just claim it on the insurance?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56She can't exactly put "giant chipmunk" on the insurance form, can she?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, I am so unlucky!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You're unlucky? You just frittered away my boobs on a giant chipmunk!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Annie, there's a note here saying to call this number.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Oh, who's it from?- No idea.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Oh, God. It'll be from that woman whose hair I scorched.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Chuck it, bin it, burn it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Right, come on! I knew this would come in handy one day.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Are you sure about this?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yep. Getting me a cleavage.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Brilliant. Here we go. It won't hurt or anything.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Not as much as a surgeon's knife. - That's true. Okey-dokey.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28All right.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29THEY LAUGH
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Nice!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Oh, all right?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Shit! All right? - Oh, fancy bumping into you here.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Oh, fancy.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yeah. So, come on, tell me. What's on your passport?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45My name and my address. A rather fetching photo.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48No, no, no, no, no! Does it say you're a bird or a bloke?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- It says I'm a bloke.- I knew it! - Yeah, but I disagree.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I knew it! I bet my mate a tenner you was.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Oh, well, good for you! - No, wait! Stop! Stop. Sorry.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Do you fancy maybe going for a drink with me tonight?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08We could go to one of your places?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Oh, sorry, I can't tonight.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Why not?- I've got woman's troubles.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23SHE SNORES
0:27:25 > 0:27:27What?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Sue, I just come to get the rest of me stuff.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Hello, darling! Where have you been? I missed you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Uh...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Oh, give us a kiss.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Right, yeah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Are you all right?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Yeah, I'm a bit tired.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54God, I've been waiting up for you.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Why are you so late?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59SHE CACKLES
0:27:59 > 0:28:02That is a rubbish haircut.
0:28:02 > 0:28:09Yeah. So...can I come home with you, then?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Well, of course.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Where else are you going to go, you silly sod?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Come on then. Let's go.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Ooh! Well, do you know, I'm just going to nip to the loo.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28What happened to the cupboard?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32No idea. Ooh! You'll never guess what? Trev!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34My wee has gone blue!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- Really?- Do you want to have a look?
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Definitely!
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- HE CACKLES - It's like Smurf wee!
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Exactly!
0:28:44 > 0:28:46We're going to be millionaires.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Oh, I love you so much!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52I love you too, babes!
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Don't call me that.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd