0:00:02 > 0:00:05PAN PIPE PLAYS: "Every Breath You Take"
0:00:05 > 0:00:07What is that bloody horrible racket?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Oi!
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah, piss off!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26HE MOUTHS
0:00:26 > 0:00:28No, I won't.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30MUSIC STOPS
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Oh, go on.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Trev, for the hundredth time, no.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38But, Sue, I love you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Does that mean yes?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49No, that means it's my bloody ring!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51You keep your thieving mitts off my stuff!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Well, look, I couldn't afford a new one.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Trev, we are arse-deep in debt.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Why are you shelling out for Peruvians?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Ah, yeah, they want 50 quid. Got any cash?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You're such a nugget and your son's no better.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05He left the bloody door unlocked all night.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Congratulations! Can I be bridesmaid?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- We're not getting married. - Oh.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Not until we've paid off our debts.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13The 50 quid?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15No, Trevor. Your Peruvians, your problem.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Yeah, but if you do get married,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- you will let me be bridesmaid, won't you?- And me.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Yes, yes, yes, yes, you can all be bridesmaids,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23but it's not happening any time soon.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Oi! Stop smudging my window!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Here, stop scratching your balls, Marianne.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You're the one who made a lot of noise.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I couldn't help it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55All right, all right. Give me your number, then.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57So Teena...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59With a double E.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- All right. - Let me do it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Gavin, I want a word with you. - Just a sec.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08There you go. Now, you know what you can do.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11SHE WHISPERS
0:02:11 > 0:02:15All right, yeah, I think that could be arranged. All right.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Why have I got a million weird emails?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Cos you're weird.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Because someone signed me up to singlewithsyphilis.com.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Classic.- Not classic. Pathetic.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Do not touch my phone again, do you understand?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29What's with the...fancy dress?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Oh, I've been to see Michael.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34OK, into a little bit of the old role play, yeah?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35No, he's in hospital.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- So...- They're only letting his wife and his mum in to see him.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- So... - So I go in dressed as a nurse.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- That's crazy. - Crazy or clever?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Crazy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's just so wrong. I'm really fed up of it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56No, you should complain.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I thought I was.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00No, not to me. To someone official.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05SHE HUMS
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- What's got into you? - Nothing.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Or should I say WHO'S got into you?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I'm just in a good mood, that's all.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, soon put a stop to that, then. You can do Mad Madge.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, no! Hello.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- Hello. - Do I have to?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Yes, you do. Don't spend your 10p tip all at once.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Gavin, get out of there. - Yeah, OK.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- But I need to get out of my uniform. - Ah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34What are you taking pictures of?
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Wouldn't you like to know?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Hurry up.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Wait, I got to do it panoramic style.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Come on.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Are you trying to annoy me?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47No, just an added bonus.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So, anyway, he wanted me to talk dirty to him.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What? You didn't want to?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Well, I did it but when I did it, he didn't like it, did he?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Why, what did you say?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I said, "Get off your lazy arse and do it to me,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"you stinking sack of shit."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07What's the problem with that? Huh?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Don't know.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Just going doctor's.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Ah-ah-ah-ah - who gave you permission to do that?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- You did.- When? - When you were drunk.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18That's fair enough. Just don't be long.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26Thank you. Babes, babes... I got you some flowers.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Oh, Trevor, they're lovely.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You didn't pinch them off that lamppost
0:04:31 > 0:04:33where that boy got knocked down, did you?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35No, I got them to celebrate the good news.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36What good news?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Our money worries are over. - Oh, Trevor, you've got a job!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45No, no, I haven't got a job, but I have had a brainwave.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Oh, dear God. - How would you like 40 grand? 4-0?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Don't start, Trevor. - No, no, totally legitimate.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Fuck the shut up.- No, it's all official, all above board.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Don't even pollute my brain with your bullshit.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Listen, come here, come here.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I fake my own death.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06How the chuffing fuck is that legit?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Well, it's insurance, isn't it? It's all proper and stuff.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Tell you what, I will pay you 40 grand to do it for real.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Hmm?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Would you?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Chimp.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34If there's a tomato in my pocket, it means it's Tuesday.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Helps me remember. - How does it help you remember?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Well, because it begins with a T.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Ah, that's clever. - Mmm.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43And what if it's a Monday?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Mushroom.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And a Wednesday?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48A potato.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49How does that work?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, nothing begins with W.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Watermelon, watercress, walnuts, water...
0:05:54 > 0:05:55How about Thursday?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57A tomato again.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Friday?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00A French bean.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- And Saturday? - Sprout.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03And Sunday?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Sprout.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Ah, might have to try that.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Go on, let's test you. What's in your pocket today?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Let me see.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14A parsnip.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What's that for?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I've no idea.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Maybe it's your lunch.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23No. Why have I got a parsnip in my pocket?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25So I found out where he went on holiday
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and I went there too at the same time and he didn't like it very much
0:06:28 > 0:06:30cos his wife was there, so he changed his phone number.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Well, my ex-boyfriend, he unfriended me
0:06:32 > 0:06:34so I unfriended him and then he unfollowed me,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37so I unfollowed him and then he blocked me, the bastard.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39That is harsh.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44He's dead.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- No!- Got beaten to death by his anger management counsellor.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I know, I know. It means I'm getting my hair cut today.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Par-snip.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Amazing.- Mmm.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Foolproof, this system. - I know!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03So what are you doing this afternoon, then?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Probably just have a sit on the loo for a while...
0:07:07 > 0:07:08..see what comes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Mmm. Mmm.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Wow!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You can get a colour photocopier that collates and staples.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- It's only £439.99. We should get one.- Why?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Because that is a good price, I'm telling you.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Oh, that is gorgeous.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- That's a laminator. - I'd love a laminator.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30- I tell you what is gorgeous. - Mmm.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Marianne's customer.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Don't stare. - I am not staring.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He's been seeing prostitutes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42What a wanker.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Mmm. He says they don't do anything, he just talks.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And you believe him?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Maybe.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55I mean, I only see my therapist for a quick shag, so it could be true.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's coming over, he's coming over.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Did you go to Bristol University?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03No, I went to hairdressing college.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Oh, hi. - Hi.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Hi. But I do definitely recognise you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Yeah, strange.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Are you a model?- No.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- A singer?- Nope. - An actress?- No.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Did you grow up round here? - Yeah, I did, yeah.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, me too. I left when I was 12,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21but I used to live on Christopher Road.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Oh.- Did you live there?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25No. Oh, well, we'll never know.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29As it's been so long since I've lived here,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33maybe you could recommend a nice place to go for a drink?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Yeah, there's the Old Lion on the corner or,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38if you want something a bit posher, there's Shakers.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Shakers sounds good. Maybe I could...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43buy you a drink there later if you're free?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Sorry, I'm not.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Yeah, well, look, here's my card if you...change your mind.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Oh. Oh. Oh, what are you doing? - You're mad.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I went to St Alfred's Boys with him, he's a right little git.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Must be awful, having principles.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05You've got principles.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Lack of opportunity is not the same as principles.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Hey! I have my moments.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Mmm. Being flashed at is not a moment.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Ooh, Gav, did you see that bloke...?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Leave me... Leave me alone.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- What is his problem? - Miserable sod.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- And guess what? - What?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I've swapped the numbers in his phone.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- What do you mean?- Well, his mum's number is now his girlfriend's
0:09:26 > 0:09:30and his girlfriend's is now his mum's, so whatever he was doing
0:09:30 > 0:09:33in the toilet with his phone, he's sent to his mum.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Becky!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Oh, Kevan. Three little words - "Door, open, all night."
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Five, six... You idiot!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Sorry. Is Dad about at all or...?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47He's gone out. You can wait here.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49No, I'll probably shoot off actually. I...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Hi. - Hi.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Hi. - How are you?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Yeah, fine, thank you very much. - Good. Great.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Why are you two being so weird?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01We're not being weird.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yes, you are, all polite and awkward.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- I don't feel awkward. - No, I don't, no, not...not at all.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Oh, my God. You slept together.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You didn't! You did!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- What's going on? - They had sex.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14You had sex?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Yes, fine, we had sex. Is that a crime?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No, it's not a crime, no. It's just... It's just weird.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Why is it weird?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- I'm a normal hot-blooded woman and he is...- Gay.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25- What?- What? - You're gay.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- No, I'm not. - Yeah, you are.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29No, he's not. He would have said something.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- He didn't need to say anything. - It's obvious.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- Even- I- knew that. - What does that mean?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- You're just not into women. - I am.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37OK, name some women that you find attractive.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38OK, that's not a problem.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Lady Gaga.- Gay.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Kylie.- So gay.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Victoria Beckham.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, that's just the closest you can get to banging David.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Just tell them you're not gay.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Kevan.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Say something.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Don't tell Mum or she'll have one of her episodes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Gay.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04How come I didn't know?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- I should have been able to tell, shouldn't I?- Yeah.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It's like my gayness detector's faulty.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Gaydom and accents I'm no good at.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Yeah, and also charades. Oh, how is this...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21..Chicken Run?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23How come nobody ever said?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Cos Trevor doesn't know.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26So it's not just me?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yeah, but Trevor's a twat. You've got no excuse.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31How long have you known for?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Years.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Are you going to tell Trevor?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I suppose so.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oi, oi! Show us your balls.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41They're bigger than yours.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43They have to be to walk around looking like this.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Whoop, hello. - Sorry.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- It's all right. - I just haven't been sleeping.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Oh, really?- Yeah, it's been a week now and...don't know what's wrong,
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I just cannot sleep.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59That's funny cos I sleep really well.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Do you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Yeah, really, really well, like, my head touches the pillow and I'm off.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Good for you.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Yeah. Eight hours of totally uninterrupted...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Yeah, OK. I get the message.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh, it's making you a little irritable, isn't it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Oh, lack of sleep can do that.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:12:21 > 0:12:24..onion rings... SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Mum...I'm so glad you came.- I...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Shame on you!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Mum. Mum!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You OK? What was that about?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Mmm. Nothing. Nothing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He's probably gone straight back to the toilet with his phone again.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- No, his phone's here. - Has he got a text? What does it say?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- What does it say?- Oooh! His mum sent him a picture of a pair of boobs.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Oh, well, delete it otherwise he'll catch on.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Catch on to what?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Go on, tell her.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I swapped the numbers in his phone.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Becky, is that really a good idea?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Yes, it's a great idea.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Well, most people would.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Yeah, but most people are Chinese. It doesn't prove anything.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13So, babes, I've got the insurance form here.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I'm going to fill it out, then...
0:13:15 > 0:13:18If you do that, you'll be dead.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Yeah, exactly. Dead rich. Champagne for breakfast...
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Trev, Trev, just shut up a minute... - ..steak...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I've got something important to tell you.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Kevan is gay.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No, he isn't.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Yes, he is. - No, he isn't.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Yes, he is. - He is.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42But...that means this could be the end of the Wilson line.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44We can only hope so.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Wiped out forever.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Like the dinosaurs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Yeah, your brains were just too tiny for your bodies,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52plus you've got these weirdly short arms.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53No, no, no, no, it can't be true.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- I wonder if dinosaurs were all benders.- I won't allow it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Really, what are you going to do about it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Trevor, he's not dead. He's just gay.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Well, stop saying that, will you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Your words are like a knife to my heart.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Oh, get over it, you big poof.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- I've known for years, haven't you? - Yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Oh, watch this, this is going to be funny.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Mum, did you get my text? - I got the text.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28What does it mean?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It means you're sick. It means there's something wrong with you.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It means you're not the son I thought I had.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34But, Mum, I had to tell you. I had...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35No, you did not have to tell me.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But I don't know what to do. Is it going to be all right, or...?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41No, and may God help you, cos I can't help you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Mum, Mum, don't say that. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53That didn't seem that funny.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Can you make me look like Brad Pitt?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Yeah, I can make you look like Brad Pitt,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02if Brad Pitt had different hair...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and was standing quite a long way away.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You're nice and tall, aren't you?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Yeah, that's cos I used to be a bloke.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11My brother's tall. He's six foot six.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Yeah? How many brothers you got?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Just the one. He's my twin, actually. Siamese.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Siamese? Where is he, then?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Who now?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Well, if he's your Siamese twin,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24he should be like on a... dangling off your arm or something.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25He's at home.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Right, well then, he's not your Siamese twin, then.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Oh, he is. No word of a lie.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He hasn't got a single hair on his body.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33That's something else.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Is it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Hi.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Hi.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Listen, I'm sorry.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I don't want you to be sorry.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I want you to be glad.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Sorry.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Why did you do it with me?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01I don't know, I just... I was just sort of being friendly,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I suppose, and...well, you seemed keen, so...
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Oh, great.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08So am I the only woman you've ever slept with or...?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10No, I've had sex before.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Really? Can't even give me that.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I mean, it was a long time ago if that helps.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- So why now? - I don't know, really.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I suppose I just wanted to make sure I wasn't that into it.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Oh. I see. Yeah, I suppose I do that with aubergine.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Keep thinking, "Is it really that gross?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30and then other people like it and then I try it,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and yeah, it really is that gross.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yeah, so you're sort of all right about it, then?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39No, I'm not. I'm not an aubergine. I'm a human being.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43This is the least romantic conversation I've ever had.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44How can I make this better?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45You can't.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46OK.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48But try.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Sorry, yeah. Look, I mean, you're lovely, you know?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56And...everything's...you know,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01it's...it's where it's supposed to be.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02It's like a medical.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You know, and it was nice.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You know, it was... it was really nice.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, I suppose.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- OK, you're actually making it worse. - Sorry.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12So how do you feel when you have sex with a man?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well, I don't know, I've never done it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17He's gay and he's never had sex with a man before.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Well, obviously it's on my to-do list...you know.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24What was it like?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Oh, in my wide experience, it was really nice.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Just choose someone who's not using you for experimental purposes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46On day one, you have a shake for breakfast, shake for lunch,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49shake for dinner.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55Day two, you have a shake for breakfast, shake for lunch,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57shake for dinner.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01On day three, you have a shake for break... Ah!
0:18:04 > 0:18:09..breakfast, shake for lunch, shake for dinner.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Sperm's tiny. - How tiny?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Well, did you know that you can fit the equivalent of the entire
0:18:14 > 0:18:17population of the world in sperm on the head of a pin?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Yeah, but it would take ages.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Can I quickly pop over to see Michael again?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'll make up for it later, I promise.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Just be quick.- Yeah!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Sue, babes, help me.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You total and utter pillock.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Help me.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41I told you not to do this, Trevor.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45HE CHOKES AND GAGS
0:18:45 > 0:18:46That looks rubbish.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Oh, God.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No-one's going to believe that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Do you know, there's more to faking your own death
0:18:57 > 0:18:58than splashing a bit of ketchup about?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Just get up now, please, before I get really pissed off.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Trevor. Trevor, get up, please.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Trevor, get up.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Trevor, I've got customers!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12SIREN WAILS
0:19:12 > 0:19:14How's his pulse rate? Is he breathing OK?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Yeah, it seems OK. - Has he lost consciousness at all?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Oh... - How much blood has he lost?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- That much.- Have you tried to stem the blood flow?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23- Oh, not as such. - Has he vomited at all?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Oh, urgh.- Or coughed up any blood?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh, can you actually stop talking about blood?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29And how deep is the wound?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Urgh, Oh. I don't feel...very well.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Leave her. We've got to go.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Can someone get the door, please?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Trevor, don't die! Oh, Trevor, don't die!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Be gentle!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, sounds nice.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, I've never been a bridesmaid before.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53- Mmm. - I'm really excited.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Yeah. - The dresses.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59They're, like, classic and modern at the same time
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and the... What was that?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Is that my hair? Oh, my God, is that my scalp?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Just...a little bit peeking through.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Oh, no.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Probably feels worse than it looks because, don't worry,
0:20:13 > 0:20:14when's the wedding?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Tomorrow. What am I going to do?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20OK, well, what we could do is just...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23No. No, no, no. She wants us all with our hair down.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28Down? Down, OK. Well, how about we pop...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31We're supposed to have flowers in our hair.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, you could still. Just a few...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- I can't be the only one with a hat on.- Individual.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Oh, my God. She is going to kill me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I'm really, really sorry.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44We've had a bit of a... Just finding it very hard to concentrate.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Whoa, hold on, what are you doing?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Texting my mum.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Yeah, I wouldn't do that. - Why not?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Just it's not a very good idea. - Mind your own business.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Look, Gavin. Gavin, stop. Someone swapped the numbers on your phone.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- What?- Someone swapped your mum with your girlfriend.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Who? What, Becky?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It was, wasn't it?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08- I'm not saying. - Wasn't it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Yes.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12But can you not say that I said because...?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Do you mind if I take that?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18It's just that I've got a new job and I have to answer.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Oh, it's fine.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Hello? Speaking.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I'm feeling very hot.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32I'm standing here in my underwear and I'm still too hot,
0:21:32 > 0:21:37so I'm very slowly going to undo my bra
0:21:37 > 0:21:42and release my milky white globes
0:21:42 > 0:21:47which are imprisoned in their lacy...prisons.
0:21:49 > 0:21:55And now I'm sucking my own nipple.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Is that possible? - I don't think so.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09Oh, well. Oh. Oh.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13This is a nightmare.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Well, the good news is you look fine from the front.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- I am never doing that again. - Why? Did you get caught?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- No, they made me empty a bedpan. - Did you see Trevor and Sue?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- No, I think they went to a different hospital.- I'm so worried about him.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Where's Gav?- Gone to his mum's.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You didn't tell him about the numbers, did you?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31He was really upset.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Oh, it was funny.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33It wasn't funny.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's so unfair.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38No-one says anything when he changes my Facebook status to maniac.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm not a maniac!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Says the woman dressed as a nurse.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, said the bloke dressed as a woman.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Right, that's it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Oh! OK, OK.- Ah! Ah! - Girls, break it up.- Oh!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oi! Oi, oi, oi! What's going on?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I turn my back for one minute and we've got crying customers,
0:22:54 > 0:22:55fighting staff.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You smell of shit. And where's Gavin?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00THEY TALK AT ONCE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I cannot deal with this right now. Someone go and get us a cup of tea.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- Are you all right? - I thought you were dead.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06He could have been.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09One inch to the left and he would have been.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10What happened?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13He skidded on a grape and fell onto the open dishwasher.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, my God.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You should get one of those new dishwashers
0:23:17 > 0:23:21where the cutlery goes at the top. You can get one for, like, £319.99.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Dad?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Kevan, what are you doing here?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I was worried about you. You all right?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33No, I'm not bloody all right. I think you should leave.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oh, come on, Dad.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Trev, Trev, Trev, hang on a minute. Let's just think.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40What's more like a knife to your heart -
0:23:40 > 0:23:44finding out your son's gay or... an actual knife to your heart?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I just feel like I don't really know him any more.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49He's still the same person.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I suppose.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53He's still the same weasel-faced,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56tight-fisted selfish little shit-for-brains worm he always was.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- All right, Sue. - All right, I'm trying to help.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Give him a kiss.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Oh, whoa, whoa, now listen. Handshake, that's just fine, mate.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Thanks, Dad.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10What would I do without you?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I don't know, Trev. I honestly don't know.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14What would you without me?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Have an easier life, less stress, get bored.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I thought I was a goner, babes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I thought you were a goner too.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23KNOCKING
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Oh, poxy Peruvians. Close the door, lock the door.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Senor, come in. - What are you doing?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31You still owe us 50 quid.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Yes, I will give you your money if you play it again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Trevor Wilson, will you marry me?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yes, I will.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58APPLAUSE
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- I'm going to have a veil... - Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- ..and a fuck-off train... - Oh, lovely.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10..and the whole works.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'm actually feeling a little bit squiffy, so I'm going to head off.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Congratulations. - Oh, thank you.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- Can I have a quick word? Is that all right? Like, in private?- Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Why, do you want to double check if you're gay or not?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23No.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- I...found this.- Yes.- I think it's a bra, yeah.- Thank you.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Sorry.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Did it ever work out between you and the aubergine at all?
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Well, I had some fritters once that were so nearly there, but...
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Look, I just wanted to say that... well, that you're...a fritter.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50What?
0:25:50 > 0:25:54No, what I mean is, well, if girls...were aubergines, you know,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56you'd...you'd be a fritter.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Thanks. - Yeah.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Becks, Becks, would you lock up, darling?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I'm going to go through the back, get more booze.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Yeah, OK. I'm just finishing this eBay bidding.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I will get this aquarium if it kills me.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- Where's Gavin? - Not here.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- He's not answering my calls. - Oh, that probably doesn't mean...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17He can't send me texts like that and then not answer my calls.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Yeah, but he might not realise...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- What is wrong with him anyway? - I don't know.- He's sick.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Well, yeah, but the thing is... - I'm not ready for this.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26This is just supposed to be some fun. I'm not his bloody nurse.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- No, no, but what might have happened...- Just tell him it's over.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- No, no, listen, wait...- Whatever he's got, I don't want to catch it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Yeah, but someone swapped...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I asked him to send me a photo of his dick
0:26:35 > 0:26:38and suddenly I get this whole sob story how he's got MS or something
0:26:38 > 0:26:40and how he's scared and he needs me.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42It's too much. I'm the one who's bloody scared.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45No, I didn't sign up for this shit, so just tell him, OK?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49But, you know, make it sound nice.
0:26:54 > 0:27:00I want a big Princess Diana train, only ironed properly.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01You can have it.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids. Loads of them.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Oh, sorry, babes. Mmm.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Anything you want.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Really posh reception. Oh! Fizzy wine, fizzy wine,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14tiny little quiches and tiny little pizzas
0:27:14 > 0:27:17and tiny little chicken wings.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Definitely. Definitely.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- I can't wait. - Neither can I.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26And after we're married...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28we can have a baby.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33A little Trevling, hmm?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Trevella.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Oh, Trevonce.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# Should I give up
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# Or should I just keep chasing pavements
0:27:44 > 0:27:51# Even if it leads nowhere?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# I build myself up
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# And fly around in circles
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Waiting as my heart drops
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# And my back begins to tingle
0:28:04 > 0:28:10# Finally, could this be it
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Or should I give up...? #
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Come on, babes, let's go.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21All right?
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd