0:00:02 > 0:00:05'THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.'
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- Trev, we're getting married tomorrow. - Mouse is getting the ring.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Oh! I don't want a dodgy ring! - I want you to have the best!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I don't want the best! I want not the worst, and not...not a ring.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- It'll be fine.- Oh, can't we just go to a shop and buy a ring, please?
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Like everyone else does.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Mouse has got mates.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Yes. Inmates!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Look, it's not like that. Don't worry. All right?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Your ring is going to be the bee's bollocks, trust me.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32All right, darling?
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Hello, Mum.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Making an honest woman of her at long last are you, Trev?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Only because you won't have me, Val.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, get in the queue, darling! How's business?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42It's good, it's good. It's not bad.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Not bad's not good enough. Everyone's got hair, Sue.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46If they're not coming in here to get it cut,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48then you're doing something wrong.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I know, mum, can we not talk about work today?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- I'm just telling you what I know! Do you know how long I had a salon? - 30 years.
0:00:54 > 0:00:5630 years! Not much I don't know about running a salon.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00All right, OK, so how do you want your hair for tomorrow?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Usual please, darling. - Atomic mutton?- That's the one.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Becky, could you shampoo Mother, please? What, are you wearing Spanx?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Yeah! Do you think it makes me look slimmer?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10No. Everything's moved up a couple of feet.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13You look like you're wearing a flesh snood.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15What? God, you old bagwash!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I'm so pissed off with him.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29He said he had a birthday surprise.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31What was it?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He burped "Happy Birthday".
0:01:34 > 0:01:35The whole song?
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Yep.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38No card, no present?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39No. That was it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I can't even do one, actually. It's quite impressive.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46SHE BURPS FIRST BARS OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
0:01:46 > 0:01:48A bit of sick came up.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Do you know which insect is the most poisonous on Earth?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Mosquito?- No. Daddy-long-legs.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- No way!- It's true!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Their venom is worse than a mosquito's,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03only their jaws are too weak to bite you.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I suppose if they organised themselves,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12they could all gang up together and lick you to death.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Hold that thought.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Mate!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Mate!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Mate!- Mate!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- The fuck?! Who did this? - Who d'you think, man?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- What, Meatball?- Yeah, Meatball!
0:02:26 > 0:02:27- What did you do?- Nothing!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Well, nothing-nothing or something-nothing?- Nothing!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Sort of, all right, I might have looked at her.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Bruv, you don't look at Chantelle, you don't talk to Chantelle,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39you don't think about Chantelle. You know what he's like!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I know, but now. Bruv, I need a favour.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Uh-uh, no way.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I'm not getting involved with Meatball, he's a madman!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It's not like that!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I need a wazz.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, Skin, yeah, yeah, yeah! Go on, it's in the back.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Yeah, but I need someone to...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Hold it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh! No, sir. No way.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Who am I meant to ask?!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I, I don't know. Anybody.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03What, Chantelle? Am I meant to ask Chantelle?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Did I hear someone say Chantelle's name?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No, no, I didn't say anything!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I didn't definitely say it. I didn't say anything.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Good! Because I went easy on you last time.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I was in a good mood.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18But I'm no' in such a good mood the day!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I'm so sorry to hear that, Meatball. Is there anything I can do to help?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Aye. Stay oot of my line of vision!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Both of yees!
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Move!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Bitch!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I... I thought I was dead just then!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I thought I was dead just then. Come on, I'll take you for a wazz.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It's all right. I don't need to go any more.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I'm done.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52How did it go with Michael last night?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Oh, I didn't see him. He cancelled. - Why?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Because it was an anniversary, and apparently you have to spend those with your wife.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Do you? Did you bring my shoes back?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Oh...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Becky! They're for the wedding tomorrow!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You're going to have to go home and get them!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- They're not at home. - Well, where are they?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10The left one is in a pond.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Why?- It was an accident!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Couldn't you just fish it out?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Uh, no, he's got carp.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16- Who's got carp?- Michael.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- What were you doing in his pond? - I wasn't in his pond!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I was in his rhododendron bush, then I tripped on the rockery,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24then my left shoe went in the pond. YOUR left shoe.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26They're my best shoes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Well, I've got the right one, if that helps?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31What am I supposed to do, hop down the aisle?!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Well, what am I supposed to do, not spy on Michael?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It looks fabulous, darling. But then, you were taught by the best.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Mum, there's something I need to ask you.- Yeah, what is it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well, no, not now, can you come back after lunch?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- No. I'm having my moustache bleached.- Oh, we can do that here!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47What?! I'm not letting that ladyboy anywhere near my 'tache!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49(She's not a ladyboy!)
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Well, whatever it is, I am not letting it near my 'tache!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Or my downstairs department!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Doesn't want to go near there, not with your thigh-brows.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oh, you should see 'em now, Sue.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It's not a waxing I need, it's a frigging lawn mower!
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Sssh! Mum? Customers!
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Look, just, please, would you come back later? It's really important.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10He's been lying to me about everything. It's all lies.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Oh, no!
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Yeah. For a start, he was not a hired assassin.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19(He was a rat catcher.)
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Not so different.- Mmm.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26All right?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Hey. How's things?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Mum's just about talking to me again.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Oh, that's good.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Teena's not returning my calls.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Yeah, she came in and said she might not.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Right. Thanks.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Apart from your mum and Teena, how are things?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Yeah, good.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- You feeling OK?- Fine.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You're not tired or anything?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Tired of you asking me questions!
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Oh!
0:05:56 > 0:05:57TUMBLE DRYER BEEPS
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Oh, shit!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02What's up?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I got my customer's top wet, I said I'd dry it for them.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Unless your customer's an elf, you're in big trouble.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Gav, Gav, um...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Just wanted to say I am sorry.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Don't tell me, tell her.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18No, not the jumper. You.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Um, I'm sorry about your mum,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and I'm sorry about Teena,
0:06:22 > 0:06:23and, and I'm sorry about you.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I know... that, that you are not well.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27HE GUFFAWS
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I don't know what you're talking about.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Teena told me what the doctor said.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33I googled it and everything.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yeah, I...I got customers. I got to go.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Um, is there anything I can do?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Yeah.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Forget you ever knew.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- ..And then he only went and got a snake.- No!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Yeah! Great big one. - I HATE snakes.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- And he let it sleep in the bed with us.- No, I can't bear them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- All curled up. - Uh, slimy little bastards!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Loved it more than he loved me. - No, no, they make my flesh crawl.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Then he went away to his mother's for a week,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and the snake stopped eating.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It was pining, the little fucker!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yes. Yes, that's what I said.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It went off its food. It didn't move.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Just lay in the bed beside me, all long and flat.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So what did you do?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- I rang the vet. Do you know what he said?- What?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21He said that it was measuring me.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That it was starving itself, and that it was measuring me,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and I was a day away from getting swallowed whole.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Will you shut up, please? - Yeah! Apparently,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- what they do is... - I don't actually want to know.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Dislocate their jaw... - No, can you not...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Then their heads flip back, and you get swallowed...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- No, don't tell me any more! Can you shut up now? - ..getting slowly digested...
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Do you know what? I said, right, do you know what? Get out.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- What?!- Out! Out!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- You can't...- Out, please!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47What you doing, you mad witch?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Out!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51My jacket! Give me my jacket!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- Get out!- Argh!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58So, I was off sick all last week,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00and I was off sick Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
0:08:00 > 0:08:05and then Thursday I tried to go in, but, no, hat's not right.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I was off sick Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10and then I tried to go in Friday...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Can I help you?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14I'm Martin's dad.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Martin?- Hi, Dad.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Is that you?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yeah, this is me. What are you doing here?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Is Mum all right?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Yeah, she's fine.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Are you all right?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I'm fine, I just, came to see where you work.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Oh. Well, here I am.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36This is my boss, Sue.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Oh, pleased to meet you. She's a credit to you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- (Don't tell her I said that!) - TITTERS NERVOUSLY
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Could we have a little chat? - Yeah, yeah, of course.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Not here, not now.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- How about lunchtime? - Yeah, OK.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Uh, we could go to the Old Lion. I could see you there about two?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Yeah, see you then.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56All right. See ya.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00That's my dad.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Bollocks!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- What's wrong?- The ring.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Oh, he hasn't given it to you yet?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Yeah, yeah, I got it. - What's the problem?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19It's, er... It's still on someone else's finger.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21How do you mean?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, my God, that is gross.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Don't worry. She died of natural causes.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- You've got to help me get it off. - I can't.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'm really squeamish.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Please, Annie, for Sue's sake!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Somebody called Becky work here?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36That depends. Does she owe you money?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39No. She's been recommended to me by someone.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Really?- Yeah. Is she free?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Of course, she's free! Becky? You've got a customer!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Where's Annie?- In the back.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Hi!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Please come through.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Just suck it off!- No way!
0:09:58 > 0:09:59It's the only answer.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I'm not doing it, Trev. Oh, my God.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02OK, come on, we haven't got much time.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I'm getting married soon. So I'm going to hold it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- OK, OK, quickly. - You're going to suck it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Suck it off.- All right.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11What's going on in here? What are you two up to?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Nothing.- Nothing!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Yeah, yeah, it looks like nothing(!)
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Annie went and got your ring stuck on her finger.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Show me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21No. I won't.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22What?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25What she means is, is just that we wanted it to be a surprise
0:10:25 > 0:10:28because when you see it, you're going to love it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30(It's beautiful. It's beautiful.)
0:10:30 > 0:10:34You get my bloody ring off your chubby spinster finger
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and into the velvet pouch.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39We were wondering, how would we do that?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Soap!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Soap, good idea.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Yeah.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45(Twats!)
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- What are you drinking? - Half pint of lager, please.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, I thought you'd have something more...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Hello, Robert. Long time no see. What can I get you?
0:10:57 > 0:11:02I'll have a Guinness and he'll, er, she'll have lager.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05We'll both have lager.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Halves or pints?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I don't care, both, whatever.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Surprise us.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Here does your wife know about this?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18It was her idea.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Ho-ho! Spicing things up, are we?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Don't be daft! It's nothing like that. It's my...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's nothing like that.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Your secret's safe with me, you old devil!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33More, more than that. Come on, don't be shy.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Oh, now it's too slippy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39It's like a soapy sausage.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- Uh, it hasn't quite come out how I meant.- No, that's fine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Really?- Yeah!- Oh, great.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We won't charge you for that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Oh, thanks!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What did you ask for?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Bob.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55She's given you a Bob Geldof. I can redo it if you like?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56No, no, it's fine.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Right. Just, don't tell anyone you had your hair done here.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Here we go!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Actually, I work in a tanning shop and if you ever want to come down
0:12:06 > 0:12:09you can have mate's rates, if you like.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10- Would you?- Yeah, course!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Amazing! Can I come this afternoon? - Definitely!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Thanks!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Beautiful!- Thanks!
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Ooh!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Just cut that bit there.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Do that bit.- Yeah.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Cut it just there.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Right now...
0:12:28 > 0:12:33There. Cut this bit just there.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Just there.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Just that bit there.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Let's see that?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Let me see it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41That's a bit much.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Oh, hi!- Hello.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I didn't think you were coming.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I wouldn't miss it for the world.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Oh, well, uh... This, this is it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57It's wonderful.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, no. It's just small and, you know, it needs decorating.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- And the m-makeover...- I love it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Shall I do your hair?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Oh, no, I'm sure you're far too busy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- No, no, no, I want to.- I could do it! - I'm doing it!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Have a seat. I'll just, uh, I'll just clean that. Coat.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Coat first. And then clean.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Becky, Becky, Becky? Could you clean that?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22No, it's all right, I've done it now, just get a gown.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Have a seat. That's it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Right, not that one, a nicer one than that!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So, can I offer you a tea or coffee?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Oh, er, tea, please.- Milk and sugar? - (I'm doing it!)
0:13:39 > 0:13:40No milk, one sugar.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44That's how I have it! That's, that, that's how I have it. That's amazing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53How's work?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56All good. I've been given some extra duties.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I can do eyelash extensions and nails
0:13:59 > 0:14:01as well as waxing and hair cutting.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Oh, right.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04How's your work?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I've got my retirement do coming up.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Oh, I know. Mum told me, at that new hotel.- Yes.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Very posh! Has mum bought her dress yet?- Yes.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- Have you seen it?- Yes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Oh, what's it like?- I don't know.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I mean should I be, um, smart casual or, or smart smart?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Are Steve and Phil going to wear their suits?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Oh, I can't wait to see them in their suits.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26The thing is, you see...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Oh, they are going, aren't they? - Yes. But, er...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I'd prefer if you didn't come.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Oh...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Whoopsie daisy!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Ooh, I'm usually better at it than this.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I'm a bit, a bit nervous.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You seem very professional to me.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Who is she?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56(I've no idea. I've never seen her like this before.)
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Oi, sticky beaks, back to work!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06So, um, will you come to the wedding?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'm not sure that's a good idea.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, you won't be able to if I mess up your hair.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I can tell you're very good at your job.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It's like looking in a mirror.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I mean, I know we are looking in a mirror, but...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24No way! I was there too.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Bruv, were you on the main bit where all the, um...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27All the clubs were, yeah?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Er, no, I went to a yoga retreat.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Madness, bruv. Have you ever been so drunk in your entire life, honest?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I didn't really drink.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yeah, trust me, man, I did a little bit of that too, bruv.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Get to the bar at ten, get to the club around midnight.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Don't get back to the hotel till like midday, sleep until ten,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47wake up and do it all again.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48And, bruv, I didn't see daylight.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Seems a bit of a shame.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Why, what did you get up to?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Oh, I learned how to make tabouleh.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54OK, what's that?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Oh, it's bulgur wheat with mint and parsley.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Insane, insane, insane. How do you take that though?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Is it like a...? Or like a...?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Babes, babes, where's that hammer?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08It's under the sink. Why?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10No, nothing. Just fancy doing a bit of DIY.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Trev, Trev... There's someone I want you to meet.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Yeah, yeah. No time, bit busy.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19That's Trev, he's a twat.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm mean he's...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23He's Trevor.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Look, make it stay still.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's just too slippy.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Just hold it as tight as you can.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32OK, but just don't hit me, will you?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Don't worry. I'm a very good shot.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38SCREAMING
0:16:38 > 0:16:43It's probably just someone having a bikini wax. She's very thorough.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Ten minutes? - Yeah, ten minutes, perfect.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Don't want to look too pale in my bridesmaid's dress.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I just cannot believe you'd do that.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yeah, but would they let you go if you dressed normally?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- This is normal.- Yeah, no, no. I mean, if you dressed like a bloke.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Why would I do that? I'm not a bloke.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- You are.- I'm his daughter.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Son.- No.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Well, you can hardly go, "This is my son.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16"He's dressed up like a bird."
0:17:16 > 0:17:19No, he can say, "This is my daughter."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Yeah, but you're not. I mean, listen.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24You can see his point though. I mean, what's he supposed to do?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26He's supposed to love me no matter what.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Yeah, you might be pushing your luck there.- Why can't he do that for me?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Why can't you just dress like a bloke for him?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Oh, why can't you just shut up?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Whoa! That's a lot of macho aggression going on.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I think my ten minutes is up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44No, it's all right. Have a bit more. On the house.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Really?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49That will always be on the house.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Mi casa es su casa. Is that right?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Sounds good to me. - Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, darling.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Can I just use your lav? I think I've got my thong on back to front.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59No, Mum, Mum...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02There's someone I want you to meet.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04This is Mum.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Hello.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- What do you mean? - Well, I tracked her down.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You said I could, and I never wanted to, but with the wedding...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- What's she doing here? - Well, I wanted you to meet her.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- I'm sorry, I have to go. - No, no, Mum, Mum.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I want her to come to the wedding.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24How can she? The table settings are all worked out.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And the canapes, they are all accounted for.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's not possible.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I don't know why you'd want it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I'm there. Why do you want HER?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- I think I'd better leave. - No, don't go.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40No, no. No, you stay. You go to the wedding.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You sit in MY seat.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And YOU ruin the most important day of MY life.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I knew this would happen. I bloody knew it!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm sorry. I thought she'd be pleased.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I should go.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Hello. I've had enough now.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Hello. I think I've had enough. I'm a bit hot.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10BANGS ON DOOR
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Is anyone there?
0:19:13 > 0:19:19Hi, sorry. I was just on the phone to my husband.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Michael. I think you know him. Don't you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I've broken my finger.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Annie. It's all gone bollocks.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Don't worry. I think I'll be all right.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Can I come out, please?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51No. Fry, slut, fry!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Everybody ready for the stag night?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Absolutely, absolutely.- Sort of.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Where we going - Cellars? - No, barred from there.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- What, King's Head?- Barred.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Where then, Hacienda?- No, no. Not after what happened with the dwarf.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- That was embarrassing.- So what then?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- I mean I've got my passport just in case.- Won't need that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Mate had a blinding stag in Bratislava.- Barred from there.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15What, you're barred from the whole of Bratislava?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Yeah, yeah. There was a misunderstanding.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- So, where we going then? - Er, Mouse's house.- Huh?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- How come? - Well, that is where Cindy is.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Cindy!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Oh, oh, yeah. What's that, a stripper, yeah?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- No.- What, prostitute?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- No.- What then?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Dog.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Well, I'll watch, but...
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Did you have a good time last night while you were out with MY husband?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47When he was meant to be spending the evening with me.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49It was our anniversary, for God's sake!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I wasn't with him last night.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Bull shit. I found the receipt in his pocket.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57He told me he was seeing YOU.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Well, he told me that he was working late.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03And then I find he spent 200 quid on dinner and cocktails at Shakers.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Seriously. This is where we're going to have the stag do?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- This is dead.- Yeah. This is well dead, man, this is bull.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14This is rank, bruv.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Yeah, well, it's like well rank, innit, blud?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- OK, yeah, don't do that. - Sorry, man.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19What are we doing here?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Look, I can't enjoy myself until I get the ring back.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Well, how are you going to do that?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Mouse said it's going to eat the flesh and spit the ring out.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- No way.- No way.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- He says he eats human flesh. - How exactly does he know that?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Yeah, how exactly will you stop it eating YOUR human flesh?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Listen. Nothing that dog can do to me is as bad as what Sue will do to me
0:21:39 > 0:21:42if I turn up tomorrow without a ring.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43- True.- Comprende?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- All right, go on then. Throw it in. - Throw it in then.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It's eaten the sodding ring!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Total and utter lying, scheming toe-rag bastard!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Get out of my pod, you mentalist!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I cannot believe he would do this to me.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10To you! To us! The two-faced lying little worm!
0:22:10 > 0:22:11LAUGHS
0:22:11 > 0:22:13What?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Your face!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Oh! Bollocks. I'm going to clash with my bridesmaid's dress!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Have you got any aloe vera?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Course.- Can I have some?- No.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26This is the worst stag do ever.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Tell me about it. - Where the girls at?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Look, she's got to take a dump some time.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yeah, you know what? We'll go to the club, get the drinks in.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yeah, good idea. I'll help you.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yeah, we'll be at the back, yeah. We'll see you there.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42What you need is a laxative. What's a good laxative?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, thinking about Sue when she's angry usually works for me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Mm...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Morning.- Agh! Chantelle.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- What?- Oh, shit!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Come on, my lovely. Big poo for daddy. Come on.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Come on. Cindy...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Oh, I love it. You look like a princess.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You look amazing.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19And you all look like a heap of shite. Except Marianne.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Thank you.- So, how come I look like a man in drag and you don't?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Just don't stand too near me in the photos. Or you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Is it too early for the bubbly? - It is never too early.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Oh, give me this. Oh!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, oh.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Is Trev going to like it?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Oh, Mum. Oh, Mum, please come.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I didn't mean to upset you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Oh, it's all right. Pipe down, I'm coming.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I'm not going to let a 200 quid frock go to waste, am I?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm so sorry about Jenny. I didn't think that...
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, she can come too. The more the merrier.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Really? You don't have to.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59No, listen. I've been doing some thinking.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02And I reckon she's missed out on enough already.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Mum!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Plus, she's older than me, and she's got a bigger arse.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Oh! This is going to be the best day.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Come on, you stupid mutt. I haven't got much longer.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I haven't got... I haven't got much longer.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Come on, come on! Come on.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Meatball, Meatball's coming. I slept with his girlfriend last night.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27He's going to kill me. Call the police. Do something!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Oh!- Hey, hey, hey. Meatball!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Where were you last night?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Last night? Uh... Let me think. I was, um...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- With me.- Really?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Yep.- Where?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- At um...- My place.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45But... You were at the club.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Uh, yeah, yeah. But then I was feeling...- My arse.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I was going to say really drunk.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51That's why he felt my arse.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And then I decided to get...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Laid. - I was going to say some fresh air.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Oh, we did it outside.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03So, where were you from 3am to 8am?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04From 3am...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Oh, we were at it hammer and tongs.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Is that true?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Came back to my place. We did it, like, five times.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17She's exaggerating.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Don't be so modest.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I mean, look. I wouldn't normally sleep with a man
0:25:22 > 0:25:24with such a tiny penis.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Hung like a hummingbird.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Oh, but he really knows what he's doing with it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Oh, thanks. Thanks.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Oh, don't mention it. Tiger.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Mm. Roar!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I came here today to beat the shite out of you for shagging my bird.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Seems I was wrong.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Hey, we all make mistakes.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Aye.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- What was that for?- That's for shagging a freak. You weirdo.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55- That's it.- Come on!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Stop it. It is my wedding day.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07It's traditional to let the bride lamp the twat.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh, yes, you beauty.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16With this ring, I thee wed.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# How can it be that we can... #
0:26:22 > 0:26:24It's the happiest day of my life.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26See, told you.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Do you like the ring?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I love the ring.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Do you like the reception?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I love the reception.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And I love YOU, Mr Wilson.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Only the very best for my wife.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Excuse me a second.
0:26:52 > 0:26:59Ladies and gentlemen, it behoves me as the groom, to say a few words.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Waiters, if you could go and get the champagne,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I've got a little surprise planned.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12Good. Good. OK, Operation Leg It is go, go, go.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Come on, Pete. Operation Leg It is go. You know what to do.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22# If you like to gamble
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# I'll tell you I'm your man
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# You win some, lose some
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# It's all the same to me... #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Yeah, so, babes, we've got to leave.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34What the fuck is going on?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I only paid a deposit.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I said I'd give them the rest in cash at the end of the day.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- What?- We got all this for free.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42We're not doing a runner on my wedding day.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43You can't, babe, we can't afford this.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Now come on. Chop, chop. Before they come back.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, you absolute...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Oh, come on, girls.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Go, go.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00# Going with the blue It's all a game to me... #
0:28:05 > 0:28:09# Seven or 11 Snake eyes watching you... #
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Trevor! I want a divorce!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# Seven or 11 Snake eyes watching you
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# Double up or quit, double stake or split
0:28:31 > 0:28:36# The ace of spades, the ace of spades! #
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd