0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12HUBBUB
0:00:12 > 0:00:13SIREN
0:00:16 > 0:00:23# A minstrel sang but yesterday of Thatcher and of Tebbit
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# I sing today of zero hours
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And universal credit. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Oh, it's yourself, Ella! Ach, it's yourself, Mary! How's it going?
0:00:39 > 0:00:44Any luckies? Nah. A packet of soup, a stale yum yum
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and a bashed-in tin without a label.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Could be kidney beans, could be custard - either way it'll go with chips.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Any sign of a wee job yet? No.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57But even now I am heading up the Jobcentre Plus
0:00:57 > 0:01:00where I have the utmost faith in my future.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You off your head?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Oh, I see. Oh...me also.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I suffer from shagger's hip,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15but I too am determined not to let it get in the way
0:01:15 > 0:01:17of a wonderful new career for me.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22Perhaps...as a leading IT consultant
0:01:22 > 0:01:24or as a cleaner of pub lavvies.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Oh, aye. I've got my name down to train as an astronaut with NASA,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32for I hear that Poundland are opening a new branch on Pluto
0:01:32 > 0:01:36and maybe taking on time travellers for Workfare. Super!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Corned beef and prunes, Nana?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Food bank roulette, hen, them's the breaks.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So. Have you thought any more about you-know-what?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Look, hen, I'm skint.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I cannae afford it. Have you seen the state the world's in today?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00But that's my point, I cannae see the state the world's in.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03But I could if I had enough money to go on the school cruise.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Go on, Nana, it's only a grand.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09What?! A grand?! Och, why did you no say?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Away and take it out my purse, will you?
0:02:11 > 0:02:17And see while you're at it, open the window, cos your grandad will be landing soon on our helipad.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20But, Nana, it's going to Sweden... and you promised!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I know, hen. We just cannae afford it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:29Look, you're only 16, there'll be plenty of other chances. Mary doll!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That's me back. Get your drawers off, I'm depressed.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37HE LAUGHS It's yourself.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Where's...where's Granda's kiss?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Only a mother's love is given freely, all else is conditional.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47You been reading that online wisdom again? Eh?
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Listen, every time somebody posts a wise saying on Facebook,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55an angel chokes on his own vomit.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Mrs Nesbitt, I'm finished.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Who's this wallapur? He's from the council, Rab.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Would you both come with me...please?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So...what we doing in the spare room?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16The study!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Oh, aye. Aye...the study.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And what exactly do you...study?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Er...dogs, horses, lottery numbers.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27My work is never done.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31So it's not a...spare bedroom, then?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Spare bedroom? Spare bedroom? Let's see. Have you got a dictionary, Mary? Oh.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40It's an extra room that rich folk have, Rab, for kipping in.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Oh, my goodness me...the way the other half live.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50No, no, no, this room is vital for my studies.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54You still don't qualify for... And garage!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57He parks his disability motor here.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I tell you, it's murder getting it up them stairs.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Look, don't embarrass yourselves by treating me like a fool.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07The use of this room is clear.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10See, two here...two there.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Which makes me wonder what I'd find...if I opened this door.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I wondered where I'd put that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29That's a pity, I was going to ask him for a lift.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32A lift? Why, where are you going?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35HE GROANS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I despair of our society.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46I sat up in Cadogan Street, right, and they called me, ME, a malingerer!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Well, you are a malingerer. I refute that!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I told them a first-class, hand-picked pack of lies.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58And I also had signed testimonials from three jailed councillors
0:04:58 > 0:05:02and a highly respected dodgy lawyer, right, and still they turned me down.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Well, that's it... roll on independence!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10They may take our lives, but they'll never take our Disability Living Allowance.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Do I detect a hint of satire?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Half the folk in our street have been assessed.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Most of them are genuine, unlike the boy in the bubble there.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Oh, that's right, aye, blame the victim.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Lying is an illness. I struggle with it daily.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Fair enough. Fair enough. He is despicable, I'll give you that,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33but, I mean, he's got a point, hasn't he?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Even useless bastards like us, well, we've got to eat.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Respect!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42No, no, I'm not touching that, that's your chugging hand.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Time was when shite like me was treated with dignity.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yeah. What year were you born, by the way?
0:05:49 > 0:05:531980. That's the very year people in this country
0:05:53 > 0:05:55went on a Right to Work march.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I mean, fair enough, fair enough
0:05:57 > 0:06:01they were misguided delusional pumps, but I tell you,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05it is time we get some of that fighting spirit back, boy. Yeah!
0:06:05 > 0:06:10I mean we might be wasters, right, but we're also human beings
0:06:10 > 0:06:13and it's...it's up to us to get out there and prove it!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16How? How?!
0:06:16 > 0:06:21HE MUTTERS I'll bloody well show you how!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25CHEERING We demand the right NOT to work!
0:06:25 > 0:06:30We all know there is not enough jobs to go round.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35So if you want to stop us scum flooding the jobs market
0:06:35 > 0:06:40and driving down your wages, pay us liveable benefits!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42CHEERING
0:06:42 > 0:06:46We vow to spend the money on highly taxed items,
0:06:46 > 0:06:52like fags and booze, thereby keeping the money in circulation!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54And as an added wee bonus,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58we promise to die before the pension age!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Has he got permission to demonstrate here?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Just a random nutter, sir.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Flash mob!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Thank you, gentlemen.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Right then, boys, flash!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Wicked bastards!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Heenan...zero tolerance!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Arrest those...keech! Yes, sir!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Ach! Bizzy alert! Every scumball for yourself!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Run!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46SUCKING
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I tell you this, Jamesie, I'm bloody sick of it! I'm sick of it!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Tell me about it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Do you know all we got out of that food bank?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01A tin of alphabetti spaghetti.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Bastard thing should have been in a museum.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09I took it straight back up there and I spelt out "Eff Off" in spaghetti on their counter.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It was "Eff On" actually, cos I'd ran out of F's.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Did I tell you Peaches is looking for money for the school cruise?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Tell her to go out and work for it!
0:08:22 > 0:08:23I don't know, kids these days.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28We never got to go on a school cruise.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31No, and it was a blessing. Travel broadens the mind.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33That's the last thing Glasgow needs,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36thousands of jakies stoating about the place with expanded minds.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You never let me finish.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45We never got going... but she's going, boy.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46How do you mean?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55HE GASPS Christ! Where did you get that?!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Off the notice board at ASDA, it was an unwanted gift.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Where the hell do you think I got it?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04The Punctured Arms pub? Shh! Keep your voice down!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It's a wee bit Jack-the-Hat McVitie, is it no?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12That thing should be up in a museum along with the spaghetti hoops.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15It might be old, but it'll still do the job.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I suppose. What job?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Are you in or are you out?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34In.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43BUZZER
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Can I help you? Yes. My colleague and I
0:09:51 > 0:09:55are actually on our way to the carnival in Venice.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58We are pals of the Doge.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Him and his wife...Mrs Doge.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05And we would actually like to make a withdrawal,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08so that we can go and see St...Mark's Basilica
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and gaze on its scenic splendour,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14while sitting on our arses with a case of lager between our feet.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Do you have a card and some ID?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, a card? ID?
0:10:18 > 0:10:24Oh, difficult. Sadly not, no, but we do...have this.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Oh, my God! He's got a gun.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Fill that bag...Siobhan. Mr Farley, what'll I do?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Don't do any such thing, Siobhan.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Colleague...let him have it!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I did not want to have to do this!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39RAB GROANS
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I can see why not! You two are pathetic!
0:10:43 > 0:10:49Colleague, have you still got that hammer in your back pocket? Aye, Rab. I mean, colleague.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Spit on its shaft, bend him over the desk
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and ram it right up his hedge fund.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58We will upload it onto the net.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01HE CHUCKLES Maybe it'll go viral.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05You might even get on to... Rude Tube.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Siobhan! Fill the bag? Yes, please. No problem.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Very smart decision...I might say.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Here's a wee sweetie for you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Well, sadly we must be going,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27the Medicis have actually asked us up the palace
0:11:27 > 0:11:32for Tizer, crisps and a wee minuet.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So...ciao the now. Ci-ao!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37BUZZER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39The building society was robbed around 3pm today.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Police Scotland are looking for two men,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Rab Nesbitt and James Aaron Cotter,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47whom they believe can help with their investigations.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I...I just don't understand how the bizzies got on to us so fast.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What did you give that lassie behind the counter?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Nothing. Just a sweetie.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Was it one of your grooming sweeties?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Eh? The ones with your phone number wrote on the wrapper?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Aye. Ya dozy bastard!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Who do you think you are?! Right, get your butts out the cowp now, mon.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20What for? Just for swearing? No, for being a pair of cheap blagging wallapurs.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Get out my pub, the pair of you, you're giving this place a bad name.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Oh, catch a grip of yourself, it was a victimless crime.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Your arse! You've stood at that bar for years, ranting on about the bankers.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34But give you half a chance and you're greasing up your podgy digits
0:12:34 > 0:12:37and rolling around in the trough like the rest of them.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41You should be ashamed of yourselves. Any lower and you'd get a knighthood.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Hey, steady the bus. I've got my pride.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48It's the way we roll, sweetheart, you know, deal with it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You don't roll, you slither.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I'm surprised at you, Rab.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So you're skint...big wow! So's the whole of Govan!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59But try helping other folk rather than lining your own pockets.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Right, out!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Give me 20 minutes and I'll come back with a witty ad lib, you know.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24BIRDSONG
0:13:34 > 0:13:39See to a scumball...ethics is a queer thing, you know.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I mean, if somebody calls me shite, I'm happy,
0:13:42 > 0:13:47because, well, I've fulfilled my contractual obligation, sort of.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52But when somebody says they expected better of me,
0:13:52 > 0:13:57well, that...that is when the flaming spear of human decency
0:13:57 > 0:13:59lodges in my sphincter, you know.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03HE SIGHS I mean, see that Jeanette,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06she's actually just a moaning-faced bitch
0:14:06 > 0:14:08but, well, she got me thinking.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13And having thunk... This is what I've came up with.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15MUSIC
0:14:15 > 0:14:18BOW TWANGS ARROW THUNKS
0:14:18 > 0:14:20FANFARE
0:14:20 > 0:14:23You see that? You see that there?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26To this day, I still get a spiritual hard-on
0:14:26 > 0:14:30when I hear the thunk of that arrow into that tree.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34It is never too late to un-Friar Tuck yourself,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36you know what I'm saying?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Mary, it's me.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Er...there's been a wee bit of an incident, you know.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50Did you see that bit on the telly? What the hell are you playing at?!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I send you up the food bank for a loaf and the next thing
0:14:53 > 0:14:55you're on the news for blagging a building society!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59'What the hell's going on?' I'm up the woods in the park.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02What, Cotter's no started up that coven again, has he?
0:15:02 > 0:15:07No! I cannae come home, can I? The bizzies know where I live.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Oh, tell me about it. They've been round here twice already. What the hell's going on?
0:15:12 > 0:15:18Well, I thought I'd turn over a new leaf, and the woods seemed the right place to do it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I'm actually going to become the Robin Hood of Govan.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Sorry, this must be a bad line, I thought you said you were going to be...
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Aye, the Robin Hood of Govan, you heard right.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I'm going to fight social injustice
0:15:33 > 0:15:35and overturn the capitalist hegemony.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Well, see when you've done that, go on and bring us back that loaf.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Listen, hen, I've got to go, I've got to...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm interviewing staff here!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45PHONE BEEPS
0:15:45 > 0:15:47RAB SIGHS
0:15:47 > 0:15:52So, you have applied for the position of Merry Man? Correct.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55There's only one wee fly in that particular ointment.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57To wit, you're no very merry.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00In fact, you're a miserable wee bastard.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03That was when Jamesie podgered my wife.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I've cheered up a lot since then.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Objection. I merely flicked his wife's bean.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12If you cannae celebrate when Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, when can you?!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Hear, hear! I cannae have dissent in the ranks.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Could you live with being a cuckold?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oh, aye. I was a Rangers supporter during the Craig Whyte era,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'm used to being gang-banged.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30So, er...what kind of salary are you expecting?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Oh, I'm in demand. I've already been offered Workfare
0:16:33 > 0:16:35at a salary of absolutely nothing.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Ah, well, there's...there's no way we could match a figure like that.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41You better get yourself to fuck.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You don't understand, this isnae about the money.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I'm sick of sitting in my onesie
0:16:45 > 0:16:47staring out the window at the drizzle.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Being a Merry Man isn't a job, it's a social duty!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Andra of Burleigh Street is with you!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Well, in that case, what are we waiting for, eh?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00There you go, boy.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01RAB CHUCKLES
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Let's get tore right into the hated capitalist system!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Merry Men, to your weapons!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Er...Rab, can I just point something out here?
0:17:16 > 0:17:22The capitalist system has got Trident missiles and unmanned drone AERIEs,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25while we have got leafy sticks.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Are you questioning my leadership? Depends.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Do you think I might get my Nat King out of this? Very possibly.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37In that case, I am not questioning your leadership! To the barricades!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40ALL CHEER
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I'm still shaking. They pure came out of nowhere,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47said they were establishing a new world order and asked me
0:17:47 > 0:17:50where I kept the Vimto and sherbet lemons.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52They were quite old.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55When they made me empty the till, I was like that.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Then I was like that.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Then I went back to being like that again.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It all happened so... MAN: Quickly?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06No...slowly. Like I said, they were old.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09One of them tried to give me their number on a sweetie wrapper,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11but the leader stopped him.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Do you have any clues to their identity?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15They were all wearing hoodies.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17The big mental one was the gaffer.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20He called hisself... Rab In Hoodie.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22It's believed this is the same violent gang
0:18:22 > 0:18:25that recently held up a building society.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Police say these men are dangerous
0:18:27 > 0:18:30and if spotted should not be approached.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32ALL GASP
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Fear not, fear not. I am Rab In Hoodie
0:18:38 > 0:18:43and this is my Merry Man, Little Jamesie.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Let it be known that the "little" is ironic,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I am hung like a Derby winner.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55We have vowed to eradicate social injustice and to take arms...
0:18:55 > 0:19:00You'll have to speak up, son, some of us have an aural shortfall.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Listen...here's the deal, right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:11HE LAUGHS This country is going down the lavvy pan, right,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and see us scum, we are getting blamed
0:19:14 > 0:19:17for knocking off the toilet rolls!
0:19:17 > 0:19:22It's not your fault, son. We've all worked hard all our lives,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25and for what? To end up in this dump!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Exactly, brother! Exactly!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31And our message to the government is this.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You can keep your benefits! You can stuff them.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37If they're begrudged, we don't want them!
0:19:37 > 0:19:43We the people will not be controlled by mere spondulicks.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46We disdain money!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Aye, you might, but we dinnae!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55ALL CHEER
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Get your paws off the crinklies, you rickedy-legged midden, ya!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06This latest attack is said to be politically motivated
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and the work of the self-styled Rab In Hoodie.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Outside Govan police station we have Chief Superintendent Murdo Cromer.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Chief Inspector, what can you tell us?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18This is the sort of urban terrorism
0:20:18 > 0:20:21against which the public need to be protected.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And I give Glasgow this assurance -
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I will attack the public
0:20:25 > 0:20:28with maximum force in order to protect it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31You say you're protecting the public, but Rab In Hoodie's
0:20:31 > 0:20:33gathering a lot of popular support, is he not?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Nonsense!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Wherever I go, ordinary decent people support the police
0:20:39 > 0:20:43and our ongoing efforts to rid the city of these...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45animals!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49BIRDSONG
0:20:51 > 0:20:54So er... What's your star sign?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me, let me guess.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Taurus.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01HE LAUGHS No, nae offence, nae offence,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05it's just that the wife's a right cow as well, you know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Oh, God! Oh, let me gaze into your eyes.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Ya dirty bastard!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I turn my back for five minutes, five minutes,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and the next thing you're fondling the bloody wildlife!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I was just talking to it! It's pet therapy!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31And, anyway, we cannae stay in these woods for ever, you know.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35This is Scotland, it'll be July soon, we could freeze to death!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that?!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41That's why I have plans for the future.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43What plans?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Civil disobedience, rioting, that kind of thing.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50We play wur cards right, Govan could get a theme park out of this.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56Yeah. You...you could be on a reality TV show.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yeah. I mean, do you no want to be
0:21:58 > 0:22:02the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary?
0:22:02 > 0:22:08I dream of being the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Well, remember, we are a team!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15That means keeping our shape, keeping our discipline,
0:22:15 > 0:22:20and that also means keeping your mitts off of anything that moos.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22This is our once in a lifetime chance
0:22:22 > 0:22:25to haul ourselves out the gutter.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Do you really want to mess that up for the sake of a pair of udders?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31COW MOOS
0:22:31 > 0:22:34You're right, Rab.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's now or never!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen
0:22:40 > 0:22:43# Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... # ALARM
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Thinking of changing your debts into one single easy repayment?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Well, try Rab Loans. Simply ram a gun up a shop assistant's arse
0:22:52 > 0:22:55and get 10K instantly. HE LAUGHS
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Oh! Hey, here. HE CHUCKLES
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Never mind the food bank, get your arse up to Waitrose.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Take it. Take it. Go.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Come on, Rab!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10HE LAUGHS Take a taxi.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen...#
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Calling all students, workies and unemployed comfort eaters!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24The Paris buns are on Rab In Hoodie!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26ALL CHEER
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Jamesie. Jamesie, get the driver, get the driver!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Andra, Andra, the door! DOOR HISSES
0:23:38 > 0:23:42People of the bus...be not afraid.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46We...we come not to harm you or to mischief make. HE LAUGHS
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Wait a minute, I know you.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You're that guy off the TV news. You're Rab In Hoodie!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Well, I er...I may be Robin Hood,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01but sadly I'm also a robbing bastard!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03But you don't have to take our money,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06we'll give it to you, willingly!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08We were all just talking about you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We so appreciate what you're doing.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Don't we, everyone? ALL: Yes!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Oh, well, in that case,
0:24:15 > 0:24:20let our dear Queen's head hit our traditional Scottish Lidl bags!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22ALL CHEER
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, thank you very much, sir, that's lovely.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, most generous.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30# ..Robin Hood With his band of men
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# Feared by the bad
0:24:32 > 0:24:34# Loved by the good
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# Robin Hood... #
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Well, thanks for meeting me, Mary. Oh...nae bother, Louise.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I know the readers of my column will be fascinated to learn
0:24:45 > 0:24:47about the woman behind Rab In Hoodie.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Well, sometimes I'm behind him,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53other times I'm in front of him dragging him home by his ankles!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I am that proud of him, though.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58You should be proud of yourself too. How do you mean?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Well, if he's Rab In Hoodie, you know what that makes you? What?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Maid Mary-ion. Maid Mary-ion? Hmm.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, that's went straight to my nips!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Give me the skinny, what's Prick Turpin been up to now?
0:25:20 > 0:25:25Local telly, radio features... stories in the papers.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Ah, Christ! He's giving out ?50 notes with food parcels.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Being good to people. That old trick.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35He'll stop at nothing, the slimy bastard.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37But that's not the bad part.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Christ! There's two of them!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47But not for long, sir.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49We're onto them.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53I know...I miss you too.
0:25:53 > 0:25:59But see when I come back, I am going to unleash my wand of passion
0:25:59 > 0:26:02and make hot steaming... Are you talking to your wife?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Don't be repulsive! I'm talking to his wife.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Ask her what's for dinner. We're starving here!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Babette, listen the bizzies are everywhere and we cannae show face,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13so could you smuggle us over some...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Aye, all right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22She cannae come over, she's watching the box set of Downton Abbey.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I bought her that.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Maybe we could kill a cow?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yous arenae touching Rihanna!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Rihanna?!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Good God, it's an animal! Don't get sentimental!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36She might be an animal to you,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40but she's the only thing that's kept me sane in this wilderness!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42She, Jamesie?!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Listen, would...would it make a difference to you
0:26:45 > 0:26:47if I was to point out
0:26:47 > 0:26:52that Rihanna does not have udders...she has bollocks!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That doesnae alter anything.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I believe in gay marriage.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02And if a couple love each other... I believe in gay marriage too,
0:27:02 > 0:27:07but...but society has yet to take that first breakthrough step
0:27:07 > 0:27:11that will allow us to...to stoat about the countryside willy-nilly,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15podgering the wildlife, let alone sticking a ring on its hoof
0:27:15 > 0:27:18and taking a mortgage out on a cow shed in joint names!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Are you with me? Aye.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25You're saying...I'm ahead of my time.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28That's what I'm saying Jamesie, that's what I'm saying, aye.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30One day... Shh!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32WHIRRING
0:27:32 > 0:27:35What is it? Shh! ROTORS WHIR
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Tights. A bird's just crossed her legs in Cessnock!
0:27:40 > 0:27:46You're imagining it! No, he's right, I heard something too!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48It's the police! How did they find us?!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51DOGS BARK The bloody mobile phones!
0:27:51 > 0:27:56They traced the mobile signal! What'll we do, Rab? Should we give ourselves up?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58DOGS BARK Never! Never!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01We will stand here and we will hold our ground!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06SIREN But first, get yourselves to fuck.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09DOGS BARK
0:28:09 > 0:28:11SIREN
0:28:11 > 0:28:14OWL HOOTS
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# How bright we shine
0:28:16 > 0:28:21# How fast we run at the dawning of the day
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# But as the night descends on us
0:28:25 > 0:28:29# Our fears come out to play. #
0:28:29 > 0:28:32We cannae go on like this!
0:28:32 > 0:28:37Listen it's...it's important here to keep our spirits up.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Here's another one.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Who said, "If you think you're too small to make a difference,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"try sleeping with a mosquito"?
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Who would want to sleep with a mosquito?!
0:28:49 > 0:28:51You after three pints.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It was the Dalai Lama, all right?
0:28:53 > 0:28:59The Dalai... All right, fair enough, it wasnae one of his best ones.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04In fact... See, come to think of it, I hate the speccy wee bastard.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Cutting about in a pair of living-room curtains,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10dispensing wisdom all over the shop.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Can't you shut up about the Dalai Lama?!
0:29:14 > 0:29:17SIREN It's them again!
0:29:17 > 0:29:19ROTORS WHIR How did they find us?!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21SIREN Did you phone home?!
0:29:21 > 0:29:24No...it was an accident!
0:29:24 > 0:29:26My...my phone was in my back pocket,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28it was an arse redial!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32All right, it wasn't an accident.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34SIREN NEARS I miss my wife.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Aye, I know what you mean.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38I miss his wife too.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I'm fed up being a Merry Man!
0:29:41 > 0:29:44And I'm fed up being Rab In bloody Hoodie.
0:29:46 > 0:29:51Let's face it, boys...the bizzies is closing in on us.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56We have one last chance...one last chance at a dirty big blag,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59then we get the hell out of Dodge with the proceeds.
0:30:04 > 0:30:10Hey, what do you think, Mary? It's green, does that make it healthy?
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Some things are born green, Ella,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16others have greenness thrust upon them.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Have you heard any more from Rab? Oh, he was on the phone last night.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24He's still promising to get Peaches
0:30:24 > 0:30:27the money for that school cruise of hers.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Oh, I'm just worried sick about how he's going to get it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33My mother used to talk about wartime rationing.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Nowadays it's much worse. I know.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Who'd have thought that giant bins like this
0:30:39 > 0:30:42would end up being Kinder Eggs for scum, eh?
0:30:42 > 0:30:46Ray Mears should do a show about Govan folk surviving in the wild.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48ELLA CHUCKLES Any takers?
0:30:48 > 0:30:53ELLA LAUGHS Give 'em six months, eh, Mary?
0:30:53 > 0:30:55What is it, Mary? Are you all right?
0:30:55 > 0:30:59God forgive me, Ella, I think I've come up with an idea.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01What is it?
0:31:01 > 0:31:06Rationing. Waste not want not, eh?
0:31:06 > 0:31:07BIRDSONG
0:31:21 > 0:31:23You sure this'll work?
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Do yous want to a third act to your lives or do yous not?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Not if it's anything like the first two.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36How do we know which one to take?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Shh! Keep your voice down, for God's sake!
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Andra, to your post. All right, Rab.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46Listen, I don't know a Canaletto from a can of spaghetti,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48we are going to have to narrow things down a bit here.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51We will use our stealth and our cunning.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Watch this. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Er...excuse me, pal.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Er...my colleague and I are a couple of art connoisseurs
0:32:03 > 0:32:05through from Chookerhill, you know?
0:32:05 > 0:32:09And we were just wondering which one of these exhibits
0:32:09 > 0:32:13is actually priceless and which ones are just a pile of old keech
0:32:13 > 0:32:16that you'd fling out your granny's house
0:32:16 > 0:32:20after she'd been found dead behind the door kinda style?
0:32:20 > 0:32:24Well, in terms of value, I suppose the Rembrandt is the most...
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Sorry...do I know you?
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Eh? Er... Oh, very possibly, yes.
0:32:32 > 0:32:37I'm...I'm actually the host of that popular afternoon television show,
0:32:37 > 0:32:42Wife In The Attic. Cash In The Attic! Cash...Cash In The Attic.
0:32:42 > 0:32:50And my colleague here has actually had his penis exhibited on the Antiques Roadshow.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Of course...I'd never sell it,
0:32:52 > 0:32:55it's been in our family too long.
0:32:55 > 0:33:00So...playful incest jokes aside,
0:33:00 > 0:33:05where exactly...? Which one is the Rebrand?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Rembrandt. Oh, yes! It's just there.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Oh...look at that!
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Ah, yes. Ah, I love these tables.
0:33:14 > 0:33:20I love them. But see his three-piece suites, they bring tears to my eyes!
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Rembrandt was actually a painter.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28It's just up there. Oh, yes, of course!
0:33:28 > 0:33:29RAB CHUCKLES
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Oh, yes, yes.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35His, er... His rotten period. My favourite.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37GLASS SHATTERS ALARM
0:33:37 > 0:33:38Excuse me, gentleman.
0:33:38 > 0:33:43Quick, Jamesie, the fiendish...switcheroo!
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Charles Saatchi did it. He...he throttled me and ran away!
0:33:57 > 0:33:58HORN BLARES
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Great news! Go on. My producer loves your idea.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18You're kidding?! A return to wartime economics.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Hard-pressed women making use of everything around them.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25She thinks it'll make a great feature for the magazine show.
0:34:25 > 0:34:26Yes! Get it right round ya!
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Oh, I mean...what a delightful surprise.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Just one question. We know how interesting your recipes are
0:34:35 > 0:34:38in theory, but do they work in practice?
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I thought you might ask me that.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Da-da!
0:34:43 > 0:34:44On you go.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Do you like crispy duck? Oh, yes, very much.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Well, you'll love this...
0:34:49 > 0:34:51it's crispy rat.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Question. Did the fact that this Rembrandt painting
0:34:57 > 0:34:59looks nothing like a Rembrandt,
0:34:59 > 0:35:03and does not even consist of paint, not alert your suspicion?
0:35:03 > 0:35:04I know how this looks.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09The further clue is it's signed by the great artist...B
0:35:09 > 0:35:12That's ...what drew my attention.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15That and the Blu-Tack... at the corners.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21At least he gave us a full description, sir.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23We know exactly who we're looking for.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25All we need to know now is where to find them.
0:35:25 > 0:35:26That's simple enough.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30If you were a Govan scumball with a Rembrandt stuck up your funnel,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32where would you go to offload it?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34There's only one place. Correctamundo!
0:35:43 > 0:35:46PHONE RINGS
0:35:46 > 0:35:53Grandad? Listen, hen, years ago I wanted to go on a school cruise.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56The name of the boat was...Nevasa.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00That name is still engraved in the pickled walnut
0:36:00 > 0:36:01that passes for my heart.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05I never made it...but you will.
0:36:05 > 0:36:11What?! Listen, I'm meeting a wee man down the docks tomorrow morning.
0:36:11 > 0:36:16You be there. You mean it? Grandad, please don't be a fanny merchant.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Don't make me troll you on Twitter. Grandad?
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Tomorrow, hen. Tomorrow. Cheerio.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32He took the bait, sir. We're closing in.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34RADIO CRACKLES
0:36:40 > 0:36:41SHIP'S HORN
0:36:43 > 0:36:45GULLS SCREECH
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Fair takes me back to my schooldays.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52Standing in an alleyway with an old master between my legs.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54PHONE RINGS
0:36:54 > 0:36:55Excuse me.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Hello.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Aye, aye, aye, it's me.
0:37:02 > 0:37:07Of course I've got the painting! Have you got the money?
0:37:07 > 0:37:11What? Step...step forward and reveal myself?
0:37:12 > 0:37:15OK, OK. Wilco. Yeah, Wilco.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Stepping forward...now.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20HE SIGHS
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Christ! There's never a dull moment being scum, is it, eh?
0:37:23 > 0:37:28One minute you're queuing up for an Atos test, for Christ's sake,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31and the next minute you're an art thief...
0:37:31 > 0:37:34and the Errol Flynn of Pollokshaws.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36HE LAUGHS
0:37:36 > 0:37:38The things we do for love.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Grandad!
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Peaches!
0:37:45 > 0:37:49Grandad! Peaches! SIREN
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:37:51 > 0:37:52SIREN
0:38:01 > 0:38:03RAB GROANS
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Hello, Robin.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I'm the big bad sheriff.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10You think you're going to stop me, don't you?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Well, I'll tell you this, boy, see my Merry Men?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15My Merry Men are out there!
0:38:15 > 0:38:16All right, Rab?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Nae luck, eh, Rab?
0:38:19 > 0:38:21HE SIGHS
0:38:21 > 0:38:26On occasions like these, I normally make a big showboating speech,
0:38:26 > 0:38:29you know something along the lines of
0:38:29 > 0:38:33'Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before"
0:38:33 > 0:38:39sort of style. But, well, sometimes words just don't say enough.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41RAB GROANS
0:38:43 > 0:38:45PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Hello. Nana...where are you?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Where I'll always be, hen.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Oh...Nana!
0:38:53 > 0:38:55MARY LAUGHS
0:38:55 > 0:38:59I suppose you just cannae always get what you want, eh?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Ah, never you mind, hen.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03I'll tell you what, you want to see me
0:39:03 > 0:39:06make an arse of myself on the telly this morning? Might cheer you up.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Aye, why no?
0:39:08 > 0:39:14Today on the Wan Show we'll have fun, sun, song and testicular cancer.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18But first, I'm with social rebel Mary "Hoodie" Nesbitt.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21In these harsh times, Mary has some urban recipes
0:39:21 > 0:39:25that absolutely anyone can afford. Am I right?
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Oh, yes, that is correct, Louise.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Take the urban fox... and I do mean take it.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35Just grab one by the throat, then batter it over the head
0:39:35 > 0:39:37with an empty ginger bottle
0:39:37 > 0:39:39till it staggers then falls.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Then drag it home, bung it in the blender and...voila!
0:39:43 > 0:39:47There we have it. Fox in the Box!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Another quick idea is bin-lid tempura.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55Very popular in Germany after the war.
0:39:55 > 0:40:00Just take one bin lid from a top-quality restaurant
0:40:00 > 0:40:02and your man's old chib.
0:40:02 > 0:40:07Then scrape the glabber off into delightful slivers.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12Any other...tips, Mary? Oh, yes, indeed, Louise.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16Shoplifting! Now, those dirty great deep big pockets of...
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I think that's all we've got time for.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Moving on...
0:40:21 > 0:40:24I get it. I should just learn my place, right?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Accept that we're both just a couple of losers.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Speak for yourself, hen.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32See, after that went out, I got a phone call from a publisher.
0:40:32 > 0:40:36And he wants to put a photo of Mary Hoodie
0:40:36 > 0:40:39on the front cover of a new cookbook for the unwaged.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43So I said, "All right, pal, a grand in the hand, and it's yours."
0:40:43 > 0:40:45And what did he say? Look at that!
0:40:45 > 0:40:49You see that, that is a boarding pass
0:40:49 > 0:40:52for that dirty great big cruise ship over there
0:40:52 > 0:40:54that's leaving in ten minutes.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Well, have you got nothing to say?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Aye, but you better cover your ears.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Ya fucking dancer!
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Go on. On you go, quick! Quick!
0:41:04 > 0:41:07They'll wait for you. Peaches, bye!
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Bye!
0:41:10 > 0:41:11HORN
0:41:11 > 0:41:13# The game was played
0:41:13 > 0:41:15# The race was run
0:41:15 > 0:41:18# The sheriff won the hunt
0:41:18 > 0:41:22# No sympathy for Rab and C
0:41:22 > 0:41:24# For the judge he was a.... #
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Are you sure this is going to work?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Of course it's going to work.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46It worked for the Count of Monte Cristo, didn't it?
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Aye, aye, but he made an arse of it.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52He ended up burrowing into the cell next door. Ah, well, that's...
0:41:52 > 0:41:53That's where we're smarter.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56Our cell is right on the end.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59You've thought this through, Rab.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02And one floor up. And one floor up?
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Above the sewage tank!
0:42:07 > 0:42:09BOTH SCREAM
0:42:12 > 0:42:14RAB SPLUTTERS
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Jamesie! Jamesie!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Ohh!
0:42:23 > 0:42:26Christ knows I'm not ambitious,
0:42:26 > 0:42:31but I'd always hoped to die IN the gutter, not fucking underneath it!
0:42:33 > 0:42:36You know our mistake in life, Jamesie?
0:42:36 > 0:42:40We've always... We've always burrowed down,
0:42:40 > 0:42:44we should have been...burrowing up.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Up? Up?!
0:42:46 > 0:42:52How can you burrow up?! Up?!
0:42:52 > 0:42:56Forget tunnels. Forget tunnels!
0:42:56 > 0:43:01We will...we will join the prison woodworking class
0:43:01 > 0:43:04and we will build...a glider!
0:43:04 > 0:43:08Oh, hell, yeah!
0:43:08 > 0:43:10BOTH: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood
0:43:10 > 0:43:14# Riding through the glen
0:43:14 > 0:43:19ALL: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... #
0:43:19 > 0:43:22What are you looking at anyway? Eh?
0:43:22 > 0:43:26What are you looking at? Away and find your own song to sing.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29Go on, away you go! Beat it!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:43:57 > 0:43:58Beat it!