0:00:41 > 0:00:43Nesbitt, we know you're in there!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Hey, Rab, gie them the two fingers!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51While we're on the subject what are your names, by the way?
0:00:51 > 0:00:56We're not on your books. You've got no hooks in the Cotters!
0:00:56 > 0:01:01Everything is bought and paid for, including our continental holiday.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05We're going to the Costa del Sol!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09But no' the touristy part of the Costa del Sol.
0:01:09 > 0:01:15We're going to the old quaint fishing village part. You stumer!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Look, boys, there she is!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24They've spotted us. You better do something quick
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Is it time, Da? Is it time?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Aye, son.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Bring out Big Betsy.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37He-l-lo!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Burney, son...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- break out the ammo.- Right, Da.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57This is Comfydown Furnishings. Give us our sleep centre!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I'll give you sleep centre, all right!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It'll be the BIG sleep for you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Beat it. It's worse than the Alamo!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Aye, run, you... Go on!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Burn, duvet, burn!
0:02:22 > 0:02:27You stupid wee messing. That duvet's bought and paid for.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Sorry, Ma, I thought it was just the valance we owned.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43D'you think they'll be back, Da?
0:02:43 > 0:02:48They'll probably wait till dark then rush us with a court order.
0:02:48 > 0:02:54- But we'll be ready for them, eh? - Bloody right!
0:02:54 > 0:03:00- Mary, hen, what's the matter? - Don't you talk to me, Rab Nesbitt.
0:03:00 > 0:03:06I'm sick of living like this! Look at my good duvet.
0:03:06 > 0:03:13I smoked like a beagle in a laboratory to get enough coupons to buy this!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18It's always the same. All our lives we've had nothing.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Everything turns to ashes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:27Look, Da, I found another one sneaking behind the burst settee on the back green.
0:03:27 > 0:03:35No, honestly! You've got it wrong. I don't want anything FROM you. I want to give you something.
0:03:35 > 0:03:42I tell you this, I'll give YOU something. Gash, get my tomahawk.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46No, honestly it's true. Look!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Give me the bloody thing!
0:03:49 > 0:03:54"Holiday to Ken." Who the hell's Ken?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59No, it says "Holiday TOKEN." Token! Look.
0:03:59 > 0:04:06"Congratulations on winning a holiday for 4 in the Costa del Sol." Thank you for buying our oven chips.
0:04:06 > 0:04:12I only bought them to flirt with the age of technoculture.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Mrs Nesbitt, you're a winner!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Me!?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A winner!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Watch!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37What's the matter wi' you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:44It's just this is the first time I've got out a motor without a blanket over my head.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47We don't want to be late. MUTTERS
0:04:49 > 0:04:53TANNOY: 'We regret to announce the Malaga flight
0:04:53 > 0:04:56'will be delayed by three hours.'
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Great! Brilliant, eh?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Three hour delay, eh?
0:05:01 > 0:05:07Hey, that'll gie us all more time to watch the airies coming in and that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Will you chuck it? Act miserable.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17We don't want people to think we've never been abroad before. ..Delays.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I don't care. I'm lapping it up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24If Rab was here my life would be complete.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30Jamesie! Jamesie, look! We've won a holiday.
0:05:30 > 0:05:36Thanks, God. If you could just do something about the damp in our scullery?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44NOISES FROM SPACE INVADER
0:05:44 > 0:05:49Morning, dolls. Allow us for to introduce ourselves.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- My name's Burney. This is my brother Gash.- Hi, there.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59There's only one thing you need to know about us.
0:05:59 > 0:06:06- I like my bacon crispy in the mornings and he likes his rare. See you in Spain.- Buenas sera.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11No! Don't bomb them out yet.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15The waiters might be pigs.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20DRUNKEN SINGING
0:06:20 > 0:06:27Would passengers please refrain from stamping their feet and goosing the stewardesses.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Get your hands off the goods, pal!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38And you are? Nesbitt, Mrs Nesbitt.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He's with you? Hi, welcome.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Have a nice holiday.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Hi, son. How are you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Spain. My name's Andy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59You must be tired so I'll let you get off to bed.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04First, I'll answer the two questions I know are on everyone's lips.
0:07:04 > 0:07:12The exchange rate is 170 pesetas to the pound. And yes, you CAN drink the water.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- We'll sleep tonight knowing that. - Don't you understand the money?
0:07:17 > 0:07:23I know about the money. I was just wondering what water was?
0:07:24 > 0:07:30Just a wee bit of role play there. Let everyone know who the character is.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Manolo will take you to your rooms. So, goodnight, everyone.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Goodnight! Goodnight, ANDY!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Goodnight, Andy!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Sod off, Andy.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50While you're here you're an ambassador for Govan. Move it!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55This is your room.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Ohhh!- He-l-l-o!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Gracias.
0:08:05 > 0:08:12Oh, Rab! Is this no' the last word in class and sophistication, by the way?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- You're no' kidding. - Let me look at the mattress.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Never heed the mattress! We're in Spain for God's sake. Spain!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Who'd have thought we'd see the day
0:08:25 > 0:08:31when trash like us was buying stuff like flip flops and insect repellant?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Aye, you're right, Rab!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Two weeks all to ourselves.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42A once in a lifetime chance to deepen our relationship.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46To discover the hidden Rab and Mary Nesbitt.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57That's me ready. Want to try some of that Continental swally?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Oh. Wait a wee minute. Better get cleaned up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Right. That's me.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Mary, you can start looking for the hidden you.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23The hidden me's easier to find. This'll give you a head start.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Right, Jamesie.- See you, Mary, hen.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Now listen, Rab, I think we should just have a couple.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- We don't want to get too blootered the first night.- Aye.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44We'll just have one or two by way of a nightcap.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58Well, good morning, everybody! Are we all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Yes, Andy!
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Oh well, perhaps not all of us.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10This morning we'll discover the Old Town. Over to your left
0:10:10 > 0:10:14is the quaint old fisherman's wine bar.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LOUD SNORING Ayee!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I LOVE doing that, so I do.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25I can't honestly say that I like men. Do you?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- I've never thought about it. - You should.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32See me. I think about nothing else.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38- See that. That's been a millstone round my neck all my life. - Ella?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Curl up and die!
0:10:42 > 0:10:47You know the only men I've ever admired apart from Red Adair?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- No, who?- Butchers.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Often I hang around the cutting blocks in their shops
0:10:54 > 0:11:01- hoping to hear them keen their blades in the grinders. - What do you dae that for?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Wishful thinking, I suppose.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11- What about you? What is it you want from Rab?- Well...
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Consciousness would be a start.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19That's the great thing about being on holiday
0:11:19 > 0:11:24you get the chance to do things you wouldn't normally do at home.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Oh, aye? And what have you done?
0:11:27 > 0:11:33Apart from walk across the room without chips sticking to your feet.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37That's great. You've got spirit. >
0:11:37 > 0:11:39(Sarky cow.)
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Well, everyone, that concludes our journey for this morning.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53It's still a nice day. You'll all be wanting to discover the beach.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Yes. Yes, ANDY!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00ALL: Yes, Andy!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Hi, Sexy!
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Shut it, Shorty.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Melones!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Melones.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Who are you calling a melon?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Go on get away! You get...
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Look at that.- Cor... Ya beauty!
0:12:36 > 0:12:42You'd think you'd never seen a lassie before. The human body is perfectly natural.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Are you going topless then, Ma?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Certainly not! It's disgusting.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Thank Christ.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Shut it! Don't be so sexist.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Your mother has marvellous tits.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Louder, Rab, someone in Kirkcaldy might have missed that (!)
0:13:01 > 0:13:07I'm away for a wee donner. See if I can find a Daily Record.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Hey, Ma... Can you get snow blindness in the Costa del Sol?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16No. How? I was just wondering.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28- This the game. This is what I call living.- You watch yourself.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Don't overdo it on the first day.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37Rubbish. I have worked on building sites in the white hot heat of Paisley.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43I have toiled naked, under my boiler suit, at the Parkhead Forge.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Hell has no surprises for Jamesie Cotter.
0:13:47 > 0:13:54So, come on you dirty, great yellow beauty, and DO your worst!
0:13:56 > 0:14:02I'll tell you, see for a bloke like me, this takes some getting used to.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Scum in the sun! I've never seen this much daylight.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12In fact, the nearest thing I have got to a suntan
0:14:12 > 0:14:18is when the polis shine a torch in my face when I'm lying drunk on a Saturday.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I'll need to get into the holiday mood.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Excuse me, Jim, where did you get the gear an' that, eh?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Eh...the gear?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I lap that up. It's pure gallus.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Lap it up? Gallus?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Aye. The troosers. Troosers?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- The pantalones.- Ah! Pantalones.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- There.- In there?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Cheers. All the very best to you, chief. Good man.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'm for a wee dod of this.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Look at this, boy.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08This is the REAL me coming out now.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14See underneath all that chip fat and soot I'm just like Glasgow
0:15:14 > 0:15:19I have been sartorially sandblasted. That's me, boy.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25That's the trouble with the British abroad. They're too shy, too timid.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Excuse me, Jim, where will I get a Daily Record?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Eh?- You know, Daily Recordo.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Eh, moaning face Scottish rag.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Ah, moaning face Scottish rag!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- There.- Up there?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Good.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Em... Gibraltar... Viva Franco and that!
0:15:50 > 0:15:55They're chuffed if you try and learn the lingo.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Of course I haven't quite mastered the accent.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09WHIMPERING
0:16:09 > 0:16:12My back...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Oh, my back! El backo, senor.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18No! No! Finito!
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Ella, Ella! Ella, I'm in agony.
0:16:23 > 0:16:29Could you keep your screaming down? I don't want the whole beach to know I married a stumer.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You're a hard woman, Ella Cotter.
0:16:32 > 0:16:38This is the nearest I've come to a hot flush since we married.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44SOBS HYSTERICALLY
0:16:44 > 0:16:46My back! El backo!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49My front! Oh God!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53HYSTERICAL WEEPING
0:16:55 > 0:16:57That was a wee bit much, Ella.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01So what? It's only a man, in't it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:07- That'll give him a glimmer of how a Caesarian feels.- Aye.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11You're looking a wee bit rough.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15You'll need to stay on the beer this afternoon.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18WHIMPERING
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Melones. Oh, bugger off!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Look at the state of your patio!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41What are you titivating for?
0:17:41 > 0:17:47- Are you meeting that lassie? - She's for 6 months quarantine when we get back.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52At least he's got some romance in his disposition.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57You're right. For once in my life there's magic in the air.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Hey, it's no' just magic.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Look at that. Who says miracles don't happen?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's snowing in the Costa del Sol.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14In the name of God!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29It's a wonderful world and no mistake! Eh?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I mean, have you seen it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Come on, take a wee look. There it is.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39There it is in all its glory.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It's got the sky there...
0:18:41 > 0:18:46It's got the sea and it's got the ground.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49It's got the whole works.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55See, if you take a real close look it's the most marvellous colour scheme.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00D'you see that? See the way the sky just blends with the sea?
0:19:00 > 0:19:05You cannae buy that, you know. You cannae buy it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09You're a marvellous interior decorator, God.
0:19:09 > 0:19:15I tell you, I am glad I have bought a new pair of shoes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:22Because sometimes, sometimes it's a privilege to walk in this world.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26# Here we go, here we go Here we go
0:19:26 > 0:19:29# Here we go, here we go... #
0:19:29 > 0:19:33You know the only thing that spoils it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Shite like me.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And them.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Look at them sitting there
0:19:43 > 0:19:50with their big ba' faces and their arteries full of Cookeen. Kidding on they're playboys.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Well, they're no' playboys.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You're no' playboys!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You are NOT playboys.
0:19:59 > 0:20:05You're just trash in new kaks, same as me!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10- Piss off, you Scotch git. - Don't you give me piss off, boy!
0:20:10 > 0:20:15I'll come over there and give you a severe doing, you swine!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Go on! Bugger off!
0:20:22 > 0:20:27I tell you something. I'm glad I'm miserable.
0:20:27 > 0:20:34Life's no' going to buy off Rab C Nesbitt with the Birdy song and a dose of the skitters.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- I will walk alone, boy. - I- will walk alone.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Universe is it? Universe?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Harmony!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Why am I telling you this? You don't know what I mean.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Nobody knows what I mean!
0:20:52 > 0:20:59EXCITED RANTING IN SPANISH
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Bandage! Bandage!
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Oui, bandage. Bandage, ja. Bandage.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13TORRENT OF SPANISH
0:21:13 > 0:21:16You tell the bastards! Tell 'em!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18SPANISH
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Hands across the sea, brother.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Adios!- Adios!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Did you see that?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39My God...
0:21:39 > 0:21:44there's nothing that restores your faith more in human nature
0:21:44 > 0:21:49than meeting some poor bastard as mad as yourself.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Hello, doll. All right?
0:21:54 > 0:22:01Aye, fine, Mr Nesbitt. Me and Gash are having a wee walk. I won't be late back.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06That's all right, son. You take all the time in the world.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Away you go.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18See that? He doesn't realise it's all downhill from there.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53GOOD morning, everyone!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55ALL: Morning, Andy.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Are we bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04See if he says that one more time I'll punch his lights out!
0:23:04 > 0:23:09What's wrong with your lovely ladies? Too much sangria?
0:23:09 > 0:23:15They got blootered on Carlie special to dodge listening to your patter.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Jamesie, come on now. Come on.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Nae offence intended there, pal. He's just a wee bit upset.
0:23:22 > 0:23:29- Your patter IS humming, though. I mean that constructively. - So bugger off, please.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Go on!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Don't you worry about it, Jamesie.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Seeing as how this is our last night, we'll go pure mental.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Do something we've never done before.- What's that?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Stay sober.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Sobriety!?
0:23:49 > 0:23:55I've heard about that, pal, but never had the nerve to try it.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Ach, what am I holding back for! Count me in. You're on.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- That's the game, Jamesie!- Shhh...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Just keep stumm for now.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11We don't want the lassies to think we're turning degenerate.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14(Shh. Say nothing.)
0:24:17 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:42This is the drunkest I've felt in years and I haven't had a dram.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Me neither. See if I could buy this high at Vickie Wines
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I'd have a half bottle in my bag every day.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57You know something, Mary...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I've never told you this before...
0:25:00 > 0:25:04See you, Mary, you're a fine-looking woman.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And you're...
0:25:09 > 0:25:13a fine-looking man, Jamesie.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23In the name of God!
0:25:32 > 0:25:38I've never felt this jaked in years and I haven't had a swallow yet.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Aye, it's really quite pleasant.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47I've never telt you this...
0:25:47 > 0:25:51but you're a helluva good-looking woman.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57And I've never telt you this, Rab Nesbitt...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00See you...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04you're an ugly-looking bastard!
0:26:04 > 0:26:11And if you don't take your mitts off of me I'll skewer your tackle with my manicure set.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, I see!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18It's like that, is it? It's like that?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Hey! Burt Lancaster!
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- What?- If I'm no' getting yours, you're no' getting mine!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36FIGHTING CONTINUES
0:26:38 > 0:26:41What's that noise, Burney?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- Is that somebody coming?- No.
0:26:44 > 0:26:50Someone coming doesn't sound like that. Someone coming sounds like this...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53PANTING AND GRUNTING
0:26:58 > 0:27:03I'll really miss you. I'll write every day.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07In fact, I'll get "True Love" tattooed on my knuckles.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I'll never forget you, either.
0:27:13 > 0:27:20Cheers, doll. All the best. I might give you a phone sometime. Take care of yourself.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Where's Nesbitt? Have you seen him?
0:27:26 > 0:27:31I couldn't see the heid on the top of a pint just now.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34This way, Jamesie.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53That's the thing about going on holiday. It's nice to get away
0:27:53 > 0:27:57but it's nice to get back to normal again.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59< Get him!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Hasta la vista, you bas...
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Irene Noble BBC Scotland 1991.