0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:31This is it, Ella. End of an era.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- All it needed was tax and insurance. - And wheels.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Wheels would have been nice.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41We had a dream, Ella, and now it's being crushed.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I feel really sad, don't you?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Naw. I don't feel sad.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- I feel... - Anger is an emotion I understand, believe me.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08As Minister of Work, I'm angry about the broken Britain left behind by our predecessors.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I'm angry about the millions of our citizens being caught up
0:01:13 > 0:01:15in a degrading poverty trap.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Aye, away ye go, yer bum's all fluff, ya two faced midden, you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22See that Chingford Steel?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I'll tell you, if I could get my hands on him, I'd... Rab?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Aye, I hear ye, Chingford Steel blah, blah, blah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Hate, blah, blah, blah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Look at you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Time was you would be throwing that telly oot the windy,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39listening to a greasy fly man like him. What's happened to you?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I gave up my psychosis to spend mair time with ma family,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46but God knows why. You're all mair doolally than I am.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to use the en-suite here.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The en-suite?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56How many mair times(?) It's a plastic basin.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- When we're in the bedroom, it's the en-suite. - TRICKLING
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Ah well, please yourself.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Just remember, I use that basin for washing my dishes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ooh, I don't know what's the matter with me.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I used to have a bladder like a circus tent.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I'd guzzle pints all night with never once going to the lavvy.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20Well, ye are getting older, Rab. Pretty soon you're going to be 60.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I know exactly how old I'm going to be.
0:02:22 > 0:02:29It's just, well, a lot of men die from prostate cancer, don't they?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32More die with it than from it, Rab. Prevention.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35You should go and get yerself checked out noo, eh,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38while we still have a health service.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Aye, you're right. Prevention.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Where ye going?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I'm away to empty the en-suite.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I think the best thing to do
0:02:48 > 0:02:53is just have a good grope around up there and find out exactly what's going on.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56If you'd just like to remove your trousers and pants, please.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Aye. Oh, er, eh,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02when you say "we"...
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Yes, that's right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Unless having a woman examine you makes you feel uncomfortable?
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Naw, quite frankly, hen, the gender's immaterial.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's the digit up the sphincter that's bothering me.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18You're in safe hands. I'll be gentle with you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Eh...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23that's a scorch mark, by the way.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's nothing unsavoury.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I've seen worse.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30If you'd just like to lie on the bed and pull your knees up to your chest.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32All right, on the bed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Oh, I know. Rather than her than you, eh?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Sticking her finger up my flue.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48There could be pie suppers lodged up there from the summer of love.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Right. This won't hurt.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55HE WHIMPERS
0:03:56 > 0:03:58During his whistle stop tour,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Mr Steel is visiting some of the poorest areas of Glasgow.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05This is Govan, on the Clydeside. Annie, how old are you?
0:04:05 > 0:04:10I'm 32. This is my boy Snoop Dug. He's six.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Ma, can I get a lend of your teeth a minute?- See, you!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Thanks, ma.- See, weans?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Hello!- Jesus Christ! - Chingford Steel. Minister for Work.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Did you say work?- And you are? - You'll have to excuse my china.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He's having a wee coma.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He's awfully fond of the crack.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43FRENZIED SCREAMING
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Christ! What a dream.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53I dreamt I woke up and the angel of death was hovering over me,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54offering me a job!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58You know I came here years ago when I was in opposition.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Back then, I felt your pain.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Now that I'm in power I'd like you to feel mine. How does that sound?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Eh, yes, I'm phoning about the advert in the...uh-huh.
0:05:16 > 0:05:1960 hours a week for half the minimum wage.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh, no, that seems very fair.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Well, if the other 40 people in front of me change their minds,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28then you know where I am.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34'Thank you very much for your stringent question.'
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Let me reassure you, the economy is safe with us.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44You see, any redundancies in the public sector will quickly be mopped up by the private sector.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Ah was the private sector!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And I'm on the fuckin' dole!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Look at the state of me. I've been man-raped.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I've got an arse on me like a screaming skull. Hullo, Mary?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- Hi, Rab, how d'ye get on?- 'I'll just come right out and say it.'
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I have a soft prostate.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I see.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- Help me out here, is that good news or bad?- 'Good.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:19If she'd telt me I'd won stunner of the year competition
0:06:19 > 0:06:22at the Scottish Hard-on Exhibition, I couldnae be mair delighted.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27DOORBELL Oh, Rab, hold on. There's somebody at the door - I need to go.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I'll see you in a wee minute.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Then I'll bend ower the kitchen table and you can see for yourself.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Oh, aye, I'll look forward to that. - Aye. Cheerio.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- DOORBELL - This must look like a shabby photo opportunity,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41which of course it is,
0:06:41 > 0:06:46- but at my age, one does tend to suffer from Politician's Bladder. - THEY CHUCKLE POLITELY
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Yes?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Hello. I'm the Minister for Work.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55I was wondering if I might use your bathroom, please?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Be my guest. - Thank you so much.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08It's, er, actually feeling that gaping way, you know?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Like if somebody yodelled up it, there'd be a bit of an echo.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Though, why anybody would want to yodel up my jacksie...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- 'Scuse me, mate, do you know who lives in there?- In there?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Aw, naw, I couldn't tell ye. Nae idea, nae idea.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Does he owe you money?- No.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Oh. Well, it's me. What the hell d'ye want?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44The Minister for Work went in there 20 minutes ago.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Could you let us know what's going on?- The Minister for Work?
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- What's his name again? - Chingford Steel.- Chingford Steel?!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Aw, in the name...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06God, almighty!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Rab, I'd like you to meet the Secretary of State for Work.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- What the hell have you done to him? - I hit him with the frying pan.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18He's a respected Member of Parliament!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Did he try and pump ye?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Naw, he just came in to use the toilet.- Oh, right.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Ah well, so long as ye had a good reason.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Well done, constable,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31that's another dangerous urinating man aff the street!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Rab!- In the name o' God, woman, I thought I knew you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38How many other cabinet ministers have ye got stashed under the floorboards?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Look, it was just instinct, right?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I thought of that wee business that Ella and I lost,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and before I knew it I'd banjoed him.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Give me that bloody thing!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49That woman hit me.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51She bashed me over the head with a blunt instrument!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Aye, don't worry about it, it's just, er, Govan for hullo, you know.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- I'm calling the police! - Here, you, sit on your archibald.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I'm Teflonned up here. - Do you know what you're doing?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05You're threatening a Government Minister. Is this your wife?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Look, Shrek, tell her to let me out of here before there's serious trouble.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Tell her? I telt her to iron a shirt for me in 1982 and I'm still bloody waiting.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Iron your own shirts.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Hell and my nipples will freeze over first.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23- You sit on your arse!- Don't be stupid. Do you know who I am?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, we know exactly who you are.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29It's you, and your type, that have cost me my job!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32You're no helping yourself here, Mary.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Listen, we can still talk our way oot o' this.- How?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Well, the judge'll understand.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I mean, if you get a Cabinet minister in your living room,
0:09:39 > 0:09:44it's only human nature to want to batter his brains oot with a frying pan.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm just saying, concussion must be a way of life to you boys.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52On the contrary, I've been lucky enough to deal with civilised people up until now.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- I haven't had to use this once. You know what this is? - BEEPING
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- This is a panic button. - ALARM
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Rab! Listen. What we gonnae do? - Don't worry,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02we can blag our way oot o this,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- using wur native wit and cunning. - Oh, yes, that'll help(!)
0:10:06 > 0:10:10But first, I'll gie him another banjo with the frying pan. Shut it!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15SIREN WAILS
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Rab Nesbitt! This is Inspector MacLean of Strathclyde Police.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26We have officers deployed around the building.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33All the man wanted was a pish. Could you no' just have handed him
0:10:33 > 0:10:36the en suite and a J Cloth for his shoes?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Don't shout at me, Rab. I'm at my wits end.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, calm doon! You'll be all right.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46< Give yourselves up. Come out with your hands on your heads.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48What'll we do, Rab?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Should we just go quietly? - Are ye kiddin'?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53This is a siege here!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56This is Strictly Come Dancing for scum.
0:10:56 > 0:11:02I am not giving up the limelight till I show them my paso doble.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Sir, he's got a gun!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Haw, youse! Keep that bloody rammy doon.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I'm on the night shift here.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16I'm daein' 40 hours a week in a kidnap to keep you bastards in work!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20And then I've got my serial killing at the weekends!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Away and pay some tax!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Er, psycho alert, sir? - I think so.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You know what, Mary? This is the best I've felt in years.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- How d'ye mean? - Well, I've got my mojo back.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- Once a nutter, always a nutter! - Oh, Rab!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Fill me in, Inspector. What have we got?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55The Minister's been held for two hours, sir.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- The kidnapper has a table leg. - I see. Is it loaded?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's a table leg, sir.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You can't be too careful. These things can be bored out
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and reactivated as lethal career-threatening weapons.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I got a look at it, sir.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It's early B&Q, possibly late MFI.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14It's unlikely to be a firearm.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Why not?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Well, it's bow shaped, sir.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20He could have got bendy bullets off the internet.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I can't take chances. This could be a terrorist attack.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Summon armed support.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Right, sir.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39< Nesbitt, is the Minister unharmed? Repeat, is the Minister unharmed?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43They're asking if the Minister's unharmed.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47That's more than you'll be once they've got you in the back of a black maria.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Oh, shut it, you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54The Minister is unharmed, apart from mild concussion
0:12:54 > 0:12:58and a Bonnie Scotland dish towel rammed into his gub.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Repeat...dish towel in gub. Over!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05< What are your demands?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Repeat, what are your demands?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Mair questions. It's like applying for a Crisis Loan.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19They think we're terrorists. Gie them some of the jihad patter.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Ho, infidel. You are a running dog lackey
0:13:25 > 0:13:28of the hated capitalist system. And by the way,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32your 34 bus service fae Govan to Castlemilk is ganting.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41We hear your demands. We will give you a better bus service
0:13:41 > 0:13:42between Govan and Castlemilk.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I know, he's a bam,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48but we need to humour him.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51The response unit's on call, sir. We'll have every armed officer
0:13:51 > 0:13:54in the west coast of Scotland here in no time.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Are they bringing the new Tasers?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Aw! That was gonnae be a surprise!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Where is the Minister?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Is he tied to a radiator?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Repeat, is he tied to a radiator?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12He's asking if the Minister's tied to a radiator.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Are they kiddin'? We're on white meter.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Who can afford to run central heating in the middle of the afternoon?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Say we're new to the terrorist business. We're working wur way up to radiators.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- For now, he's cuffed to one of my bentwoods.- Ah, bugger it!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I'm playing the radiator card! We might get new central heating out of this.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Haw youse, see me? See my wife?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36We're fanatical, by the way.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And we want to tie the Minister to a radiator,
0:14:39 > 0:14:44but wur fanatical central heating is Donald Ducked.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47We want a new boiler...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49and make sure that's fanatical, tae!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52What the hell... ask for a heated towel rail as well.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Oh, aye, and a fanatical heated towel rail. Gas or electric, Mary?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Gas. I like to light my fags aff the pilot.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Gas, by the way.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09And don't forget the one year fanatical homecare plan, an' all!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- How goes it, sir?- Scum bastard.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15He's asking us to install a new central heating system
0:15:15 > 0:15:19so he can tie the Minister to a radiator.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20This could be our chance.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24If we can get an armed officer disguised as a gas fitter in there...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Steady. Could be a Health and Safety issue.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30We'd need a hit man who was Corgi registered.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Fair point, sir.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Nothing else for it, we'll just have to string them along.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Anything else?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Repeat, anything fanatical else?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43They're asking what else we want.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44A job.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- How about the overthrow of the hated capitalist system?- That can wait.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- I wannae get a new mobile phone for Peaches's Christmas first.- Oh, aye...
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Ho! My wife wants to overthrow Western democracy.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03But first, she wants a wee cleaning job over Christmas.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'll see what I can do.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10And I want a Lamborghini and a silk shirt with the double cuffs
0:16:10 > 0:16:12just like Jason King out of Department S.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18What imploding brain cell did that spring from?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Please ask for some food, I'm starving.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Oh, that's a good idea. We could send down one of your ears,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26we might get a free five minutes' shopping in Aldi, eh?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30On second thoughts, I'll settle for a smoothie.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- Rab, ask for terrorist food. That'll keep them on their toes.- Aye...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Ho, we're Arabs, by the way.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41So send us up three fish suppers.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Arabs don't eat fish suppers.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Halal fish suppers. And a bottle of halal Irn Bru.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54That should keep the deception going nicely.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Yes, fiendish in its simplicity.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- What is it, Rab? - There's armed polis all roon' us.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Well, you're dealing with the big boys now, so lots of luck.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Are we dressing for dinner?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Amazing how much better you feel after a good nosh, innit?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I feel as if I could take on an army.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You may very well get your wish. Hear that?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42WHIRRING OVERHEAD Helicopters!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Aw Christ, it'll be Cruise missiles up the U-bend next.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50You've no eaten your dinner. I thought you said you were hungry.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Hungry, not suicidal.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'm sorry, I wouldn't put this in my bin, let alone my mouth.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59You're helluva good at starting sentences with, "I'm sorry,"
0:17:59 > 0:18:01before you go on to rip the pish oot o people.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04You'll be sorry when you start your sentence -
0:18:04 > 0:18:05about five years, give or take.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09That lip is gonnae get you cleaved again!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Ah, put the bloody thing doon. You're utensil daft.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'm really sorry, I'm just tetchy.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm cold, I'm scared and I'm dying for a pee.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21No, Rab, don't let him up. He'll make a run for it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26I have a prostate problem. I need to go, a lot. It's my age.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28How old are you?
0:18:28 > 0:18:3060 next birthday. You?
0:18:30 > 0:18:3260 next birthday.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Makes you think, dunnit?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I thought I'd be PM. Instead, I've ended up in the Department of Work.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40How sexy is that? What about you?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Rab's religious. It helped him gie up the drink.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I've been dry for three years noo, but...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49well, sometimes I've got to admit to myself...
0:18:49 > 0:18:54without a fight, a lost weekend and a projectile vomit,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56life's hardly worth a candle.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59All this talk of drinking...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02may I use your bathroom, please?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Nah, nah. You're no leaving this room, boy.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- You can use the en suite.- Where's the en suite?- It's in the kitchen.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I'll just empty the dishes out of it. Are you finished with your cup?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I am now. If it won't get me another whack with the frying pan,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19how come you own a pair of police handcuffs?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh, that's a sore point.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Rab knocked them out of Orkney Street nick after a drunk and disorderly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Last time we used them, he handcuffed me to the bed.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Oh, I see.- No, you don't.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Then he dipped my purse and buggered aff down the pub.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39She was 48 hours in a baby-doll nightdress. Her lips turned blue.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And when I say lips...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Rab!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Are you married yourself?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Yes. In fact Lucia and the children will be worried sick.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I need to send them a text.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52No, no, no. You're not sending any text, boy.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- You'll stitch us up like the last time.- I have to.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Renee had her first pony lesson today. Please.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Aw, why didn't you say?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I remember when oor two boys had their first pony lesson, eh, Mary?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Aye. They mugged the owner and then galloped off doon Saltcoats beach.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13It's his wean. Let him send a message.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16All right, all right, all right. But you'll do it my way.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- How d'you mean? - The fanatical way.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We ready to rock, Inspector?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36The sniper's across the street, sir. I've told him to look out
0:20:36 > 0:20:38for a grizzly bear in a string vest and a head bandage.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42One clean shot and it'll be like taking the top off an egg.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I hope to God this ends quickly.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Yes. If this goes wrong, it could end in a blood bath.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Not only that, I'm missing Nigella's Kitchen.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I know! But she's still worth a pump.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Say when, Rab.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07Aye. There. You dae it just like I telt you, or else. Right?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Action!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"Hullorerr.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"See me.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"See being a Cabinet Minister.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"I have been pure minging, so I have."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Huv!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Huv. Huv.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"But noo, gen up."
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Jen, jen, jen up.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30"Jen up, I have pure seen the error of my ways."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Weys.- Weys.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"My captors have been pure quality
0:21:36 > 0:21:40"and I huv tain up fanatical scumhood marsell."
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Masel!- Masel.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"See how I enjoy this tasty macaroon bar
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- "and have hundreds of sugars in my tea."- Hunners. Hunners.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Hunners. "Hunners of sugars in my tea."
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- "This has been a lovely wee kidnapping, so it has."- Hus.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"Hus, and I have pure lapped it up.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"I thank my abductors
0:22:21 > 0:22:26"for their traditional Scottish hospitality and mad banter."
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Er, wait a minute, getting a wee bit of red eye there.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Red eye happens in the eye, Rab, no between the eyes.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40- Eh, eh...are you a Hindu?- No, why?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Aaaaahhhh!- Aagh!
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Oh, naw! Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00What is it, Rab? Have you been shot?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Naw. I've put my foot in the en suite!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Sorry.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31'Day two of the Restitution Street siege brings no signs of an ending.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34'The fanatical abductor,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38'the self-styled Rab Adelbaset Ali Nesbitt El Megarahi Buckfast has...'
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Mary, Mary? Oh, Mary.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You all right, hen?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50I havenae slept all night. Just taking stock of my life.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54We're scum. What'd you want to dae a daft thing like that for?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57No job. No engagement ring.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- Where is it?- It's in the pawn to pay for the electric.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Which means that, after 35 years of marriage,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09I now own less than I did on the day that we were hitched. I'm working backwards!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13By wur ruby wedding, I fully expect to be homeless,
0:24:13 > 0:24:18staggering doon Hope Street, smellin' of ozone wi' a trail of cats behind me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I will never allow that to happen.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- You will be in a supermarket trolley... - MOBILE BEEPS
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- ..and I'll be pushing it. - Text message from Renee!
0:24:29 > 0:24:35That phone video you uploaded has had 6,000 hits on YouTube.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38For the first time in my life, I'm cool! Bugger me! Wicked!!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I cannae take this, Rab, this is daein my heid in!
0:24:43 > 0:24:48Aw, come on, Mary, keep your diddies up. Keep your diddies up!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'll away and make ye a nice wee cup of tea, eh?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Anyway it's gone quiet out there. Maybe they've given up.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Aaarrrggghhh!!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03There's a bloody soldier on the window sill.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Just face it, Rab, we are gubbed.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Never. Never! I will never give in.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I've got weapons of mass destruction in that bedroom.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I've got tallboys, I've got pine cabinets,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19a full arsenal of toxic furniture.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Christ almighty!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Rab? It's me.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Jason King from Department S.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- Hullo. - Gen up, so it is.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40The authorities have asked me to help.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Give yourself up before it's too late. If you do,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47this...could be yours.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56It's no' the armoured car that bothers me.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01I mean, drug dealers have been driving them aboot here for years.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07But when Jason King says, "Jump," you say, "How high?"
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Haw.- Yes?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Get the word out. I'm ready to cut a deal.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You sure? I've been waiting for this.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I have my tweet ready to go.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22"OMG, hey M8, news two die four.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"Grizzly Adams wants a face two face. Laugh my arse off.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"Triple grin smiley. LOL." How does that sound?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Oh, aye, that was magnificent, aye, aye.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Positively Churchillian, isn't he?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Aye, I'm coming, I'm coming! I'm coming!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53This is the life, eh, Mary?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58La dolces vita. Chapped hands, chilblains, business as usual.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02How did you manage to swing it?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I have friends in very low places, Ella.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09There are dark forces at work in this country that we may never understand.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12PHONE RINGS
0:27:14 > 0:27:20Hullo? Rab! I thought they'd taken away your shoelaces and your phone.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21No, no yet.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There's been another wee incident.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Now what's happened?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Sir, he grabbed my cuffs and my phone and secured himself to the rail.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48All right, come ahead! Come ahead! Square go, ya bams!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Well, what're you waiting for?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54You've been dying to use your new Tasers, haven't you?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Can I, sir? Can I?- Go for it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Haw, I did science at school, boy.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07- You use that Taser and you'll regret it.- No hauf as much as you will.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Ya manky midden, ye!
0:28:11 > 0:28:15That'll be why I didn't pass my O level like.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23After him!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Get it right up ye!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Beat it!