0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Well, here we are again,
0:00:31 > 0:00:36back in the warm comforting arms of the good old British recession.
0:00:36 > 0:00:42You know, I stood here 30 year ago in the dole queue, and Norman Tebbit telt me to get on my bike.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Now? Well, they give me a classroom chair.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50That's what three decades of the slump/boom economy has done for me...
0:00:50 > 0:00:55I now get lectured sitting down instead of standing up.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Now, you all know why you're here.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02We want to help you back into work.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And how the hell are you gonnae do that?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I mean, we're a bunch of unspeakable white trash at the arse-end of 50.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Who the hell is gonnae employ us? I mean, there's no' enough jobs for normal people, let alone us.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20Nonsense! I'm a blind, black, Muslim woman in a wheelchair, and I found a job.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Exactly. But we don't have your advantages.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27What cultural boxes do we tick?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Then create work. Be your own boss.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Make. It. Happen.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Mr Nesbitt, are you giving me the fingers?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40How did you know that?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I felt the air waft.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45That's impressive.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54# Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
0:01:54 > 0:01:59# Giving all your love to just one man
0:01:59 > 0:02:03# He'll have good times You'll have bad times...#
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Zip it, Mary, we're here.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Right.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10ELLA GROANS Are you all right, Ella?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- How you feeling?- Red raw.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Normally for an arse this sore, I'd expect a good hotel, with breakfast.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Look on the bright side. We've still got wur jobs.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Mrs Nesbitt? - Oh, oh, sorry we're late.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25We've just had a few teething problems
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- with our new eco-friendly transport fleet.- Aye.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's got one saddle and two arses.
0:02:31 > 0:02:37- Don't worry, it won't happen again. - I'm sorry, Mrs Nesbitt, there won't be an "again".
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- I'm having to let you go.- What?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45But you...you said you liked us.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49You said we were the cheapest cleaners in Govan since the zloty went up.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Aye. Are you racist? Is it because we're Scottish?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56It's nothing personal, but I'm having to cut costs.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I'll miss your singing around the house.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You're very good, you know.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07So you're saying you want us off Invalidity Benefit and back into work.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- In a nutshell. - But there isnae any work!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Exactly.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Somebody's got to be unemployed...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16so it might as well be them that likes it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I'm afraid unemployment is no longer an option.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Welfare benefits are costing the country a quarter of its annual expenditure.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Is that a fact?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Look, hen, here is my investment portfolio.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35A twenty pence piece, a used scratch card and a slightly soiled johnny
0:03:35 > 0:03:38my mate asked me to keep for him while his wife washed his denims.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Thanks, Rab.- So I'd just like to know, where is the benefit...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46of all this benefit I'm meant to be getting?
0:03:46 > 0:03:52I spend my money on booze, on fags and lottery tickets, so what happens to that?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54The money goes right back into circulation.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I donate that much money to the Coalition,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01my Giro should be paid to me offshore.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Mr Nesbitt, if you don't look for work, I will recommend suspension of your benefit.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07RAB HUFFS
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Are you giving me the finger again?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No. I'm sticking my thumb up my arse.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I'm practising for being shafted.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Here! Look, Mary...
0:04:22 > 0:04:23What?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27What d'you think? Clients are always telling us what good singers we are.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Aye, when we're cleaning! Everybody's a good singer with their heid doon a lavvy bowl.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- An Armitage Shanks has got an echo like St Paul's Cathedral. Come on!- Come on, Mary!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38What have we got to lose?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Aye.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Mebbes you're right. Come on!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48THEY CHUCKLE
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Catch a grip of yourself!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56You're telling me you're going to be in a girl band?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Oh, aye, that's right. We're the Pussycat Dolls with a menopause.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Now, are you gonnae rip the pish all night, or what?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Don't start that prima donna nonsense wi' me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You haven't even had your first booking yet.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Gigs, Rab, we call them gigs.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Oh, we do, do we?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17That'll be, that'll be the "we" in show business, likely.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Here's your tea.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Unless of course you'd prefer a big bowl of Smarties
0:05:22 > 0:05:27wi' all the blue ones taken oot, just the way we like it in the business of show.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh, gonnae cut that oot, will ye?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I could do with your support at a time like this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35What about me? What about me, eh?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I was doon the dole office today and they read me the Riot Act.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44Have you any idea how badly you've got to bugger up to fail at being unemployed?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Rab, don't be insecure.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49If we win this, it'll be money.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Aye, aye.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Have you thought of a name yet? What are ye going to call yourselves?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56We've no' really thought about that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Have you any ideas?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00There's all these niche bands nowadays.
0:06:00 > 0:06:07- You know, the Priests, the Soldiers, the Fishermen... You see where I'm going with this, don't you?- So?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I know exactly what you should call yourselves.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13WOODWIND MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:21 > 0:06:27Thank you, thank you Marshall Gormley and his musical replacement hip!
0:06:28 > 0:06:35OK, cleaning it up in the house tonight, would you please welcome the two, the only...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37The Scrubbers!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39CHEERING
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Hello, Govan!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Hello, Govan"?! Youse only live round the corner.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Prick alert, Rab.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50This could kick off big time.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Steady, Jamesie, steady. We're showbiz wives. Show a wee bit of diplomacy.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Yes, indeed,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59we are...The Scrubbers!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Aye, and I'm Mr Muscle.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Bend over and I'll prove it!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Sod diplomacy - got a bottle handy?
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Right here. If they insult our wives again, they're claimed.- Right.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# You never close your eyes
0:07:13 > 0:07:20# Any more when I kiss your lips
0:07:20 > 0:07:26# And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips... #
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Actually, they're no' that bad.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35No' too bad at all. I'd pump that redhead.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Yes!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- One-nothing to me!- What do you mean,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"one-nothing to you"?! What did we just say?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He's insulting your bloody wife.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48No, he's no'. He's insulting YOUR wife.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53He doesnae want to pump YOUR wife, he wants to pump MY wife. One-nowt!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57That's just a disgusting, sexist attitude.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Ho, pal, what about the blonde?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03No' want to pump her?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Naw. She's fake. Look at her top lip.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I wouldnae have a bird who had a heavier growth than I've got.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15She's no' got a heavy growth! She's just had a bikini wax.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- How do you know that?- I'm her man.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21In the name of God, sick bastard or what?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24This guy's trying to pimp his wife!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Rab!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I'm no' trying to pimp my wife.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30If she's up for grabs, I'll have her.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33She's no' up for grabs, ya cheeky bastard!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Pack it in! Rab, you're barred. Out!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'm going! So what are ye saying - you would pump my wife?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Aye, deffo.- One each! Get it right up you!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47# You've lost that... #
0:08:49 > 0:08:50You got your apology.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51What is your problem?
0:08:51 > 0:08:56You know, it's never too late to dae something with yourselves. Look at your wives.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Or is it role reversal you like - they wear the troosers, you wear the knickers? Is that the deal?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02It is for me.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I tried Ella's on last night.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- It was delicious.- I thought you hadnae pumped Ella in years.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's the allure of showbiz, Rab.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Success has made Ella regain her...pumposity.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Which is how I got my idea.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Oh, aye.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20And what idea's that?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23The Scrubbers sell sex appeal.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We'll sell sex appeal.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28It's a job I'm needing. They're gonnae stop my benefit.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Hear me out, hear me out, right. You're a househusband, I'm a househusband.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I give you three words... "Hunks for Hire".
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Hunks?!
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Stunning as you are, could I invite you to go take a running Donald Duck to yourself for just one moment?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's all the go in LA, Rab.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Bored housewife picks up the phone, "Oh, tee-hee, Mr Hunk,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"it's Monday and I need a dirty big washing done".
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Hunk breenges round to her hoose.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Next thing he knows, he's no' washing the sheets... he's changing them.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You with me?
0:10:05 > 0:10:11And how many registered blind housewives do you think there are in Glasgow?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Christ, look at us! You seen the state of us?!
0:10:14 > 0:10:20We might no' be in the first flush, but we can always give nature a helping hand...
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- All, right kid, is your Mammy in? - Mammy!
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Aye?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47There's a wee fat man at the door, selling mops.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'm no' selling mops, ya...!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I'm fae Hunks for Hire.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Hunks for Hire? Send him in.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Come in.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03NEWS ON TV
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Hi there!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I'm...Christiano...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I'll be your Hunk for Hire the day.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hunk?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Aye, well, Colin Farrell sends his apologies -
0:11:16 > 0:11:19he's busy collecting trolleys up Asda the day.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24As you can see, I'm...I'm ripped.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I've been on the steroids.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30My mammy's on them since her periods stopped. Do you get the hot flushes too?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31No, no, no!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35You don't get buffed like this on HRT patches.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Now, what'll it be?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Some dirty dusting?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Some peek-a-boo polishing?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Or I can flex my pecs or wiggle my booty.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50The choice is yours, foxy lady.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Can you scrape shite off the living room carpet? The wean done a toaly when I wasnae looking.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here! We're no' real cleaners.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01We're fantasy figures.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05We're here to inject a bit of glamour into dull lives.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08We've already got something for that round here - smack.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I see.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12This how you got into this mess?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Look. I'm worried sick.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19If I don't clean my act up the Social Services say they'll take my weans away.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Look at the state of the place.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's no' gonnae be in Grand Designs any time soon.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Aye. What about you?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31You're the same age as my granda, yet here you are, cutting about Govan
0:12:31 > 0:12:34in gold lame trunks, shakin' your sad grey arse for pin money.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37No' exactly living the dream yourself, are you?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Listen, I'm an unemployed alky.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42But see when I pull on these trunks,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I become Christiano...Hunk for Hire.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Then when I take them off, I become Rab...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Drunk for Hire.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56All right, all right.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You're on.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Where's that shite you need cleaned up?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Don't get annoyed...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04but you're standing in it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Right, there you go.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Is that OK?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, it's fine from where I'm sitting...Brad.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Ach, you're a lovely great big hunk of a man.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Oh, well, I'm glad you're satisfied.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I wouldn't go that far - you've only just polished my statuette.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42But at our age we have to be thankful for small mercies, isn't that right, fellas?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45THEY CHUCKLE
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Well, er, it's been great meeting youse all. Maybe we can do it again some time, eh?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Aren't you forgetting something? - What's that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55My pole.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It's clammy.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09We'd love to see you rub a wad of Duraglit up and down that.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Would ye?- We would, Brad.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14You're gorgeous.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, thanks very much!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I've always tried to look after myself, you know.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, we can see that!
0:14:22 > 0:14:27There's a slight overhang over your wee spangled panties,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29but it's kind of cute.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Helps keep the goods out the sun, you know what I'm saying?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I cannae wait, Ella!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56And we've practically got our song bang-on too.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It just needs you to sing quieter and to stand further back from the mic.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Then it'll be absolute quality.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04But I'm practically whispering as it is, Ella.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Less is more, Mary, so much less is much more, eh?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Stands to reason.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Aye. Mebbes you're right.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Here we go, ladies, compliments of gentlemen at the bar.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25All right, girls? How's about a wee song to get the party started?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Oh, no, no' the noo, no, no.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30We're waiting on our men. They've just nipped outside for a fag.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Aye, you don't want to hear us singing. No' yet.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Ach, go on.- No, no, we're saving wur voices for the second heat.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Please! Just one.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- No, no.- No, no.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45OK, suit yourselves.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47All right, if it'll keep youse quiet.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Rab...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I wanted to tell you something.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm gay.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You look shocked.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Well, I must say, for somebody that's humped a thousand women,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08some of them no' even conscious, you've managed to hide your gayness well.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I suppose I was just desperately confused.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16I must have been groping for my inner nature. You got a light, love?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19You can cut that out right away! Don't come all Noel Coward on me
0:16:19 > 0:16:23just because you've developed a taste for the salty stick.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Rab, ya big lug, this is nothing to do with sex.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30It's to do with being valued as a human being.
0:16:30 > 0:16:36It's just that, well, when I'm with Ramsey and Jackie...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Ramsey and Jackie...oh, aye.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43That'll be that lot of coiffured screamers you're cleaning for, likely?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Nature's palette has many shades, Rab.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Don't be so reductive.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Reductive...?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That's no' you talking.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56That's them.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I get this, I get this.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01When you're with them, they'll eye you up, eh?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I bet they flirt with you an' all, and probably offer you biscuits.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Coconut mallows. From Waitrose!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13But mair than that, though, mair than that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15They make you feel wanted.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16They do.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20And feeling wanted is a good feeling, am I right?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24All right. I'm eye candy for a bunch of geriatrics, and I like it!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27They lust after my body, Rab.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34When I'm pole-dancing for them, they slip Werthers Originals doon my thong.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Anyway, there. I've said it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41What about you? What about your day?
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Well...I scraped shite off a living room carpet.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48You know what?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I felt needed, too.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You're sicker than I am!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Quite possibly. Quite possibly.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Come on,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00let's re-join the ladies.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07MARY: We're having a lock-in! We're going to sing all night long!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Rab, I think I'll give it a miss.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I've got an early start tomorrow.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Aye, me an' all.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I must say,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- feeling wanted's a good feeling though, in't it?- Aye.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23But no' by them, though. C'mon.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Hey, you can cut that out an' all!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Good morrow.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40You can always tell there's a recession on, can't you,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42when the poor start getting naked.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Stripping steel workers,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46pole dancers,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48third world hookers,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52every dole queue a porn-mag chorus line.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59Of course, David Cameron says we've all got to share the pain.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04But I don't see him spreading his butt cheeks on the meat rack doon Piccadilly, do you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You know...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09people think...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12people think that scum hate work.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14We don't, you know, we don't.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16It's jobs we hate.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I mean, gie me something I like doing and I'm, well, happy as a pig in shit.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26Which is serendipitous, because I happen to be a pig, and I'm presently engaged
0:19:26 > 0:19:30in scraping shite off the walls of Carly's cooncil flat.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33And d'ye know what?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I cannae wait to get there.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38< SNORING
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Ho!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42HO!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ah...ah...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Ah, what?!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49And what time did YOU get in last night?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Aw, don't play the indignation card wi' me,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55standing there like John Knox in a sparkly tanga.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I can hear your prostate gasping from here.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59So is that it?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Is that your best shot? Well, I still appear to be homo erectus,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05so if you'll excuse me,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'll away to my work as a sex object.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10No, Rab, wait, wait! Don't go.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I need to talk to you. About my career.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Your career? What about it?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19After the gig last night, right, Ella and I, we were talking.
0:20:19 > 0:20:25Then we started arguing and, Rab, we've got artistic differences!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Artistic differences? Aw, naw!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Round here that's worse than cancer.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I'm serious, Rab.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Aye. And so am I.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41I spent yesterday afternoon trying to prise a kid's trainer out of a U-bend with a fish slice.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Artistic differences, is it?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Get over yourself!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Rab, look, don't go. I'm just feart I'm going to do something stupid.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Away and get yersel a job!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Did I actually say that?!
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Hello!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Are you decent?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04If you're in your bed, I'll come back.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06No, you're all right. Come in.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, you're there.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Hey-hey!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13You're cleaning.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I was worried sick. I didn't think you were coming back.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19This is judgement day. The Social Welfare woman's coming round.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- I said I'd be here for you, did I no'?- I know you did.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- But let's face it, alkies are unreliable.- Unreliable?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Mm-hm. And, of course, you can set your watch by a junkie, can't you?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Except if they saw your watch, it'd be off your wrist,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37straight doon the pawn and traded in for a bag of smack.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I suppose you're right. We're neither of us in a position to get on our high horse.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Aye, you'd better believe it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time I hit the Vim.
0:21:47 > 0:21:53And you, you stick that rattle up your arse for a couple of hours, cos I've got work to do.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55WE'VE got work to do.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05And this is one of me when I was with Third Lanark reserves,
0:22:05 > 0:22:10shortly before the tragic shoulder injury which ruined my career.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Game's all changed since then, of course, and...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17for the worse, in my opinion. You see,
0:22:17 > 0:22:22players in my time, well, they didnae dive.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25They had a deep sense of, well, fair play and...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Brad.- What?- No offence,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31but stop talking about the past. It's awfy depressing.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37Maybe you could lose that dark satanic mill you've been puffing on for the past hour.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38The pipe?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40But I got it for youse.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I thought it might help me fit in.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Poor Brad. You have a very quaint idea of the senior citizen life, don't you?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I don't get it. I thought youse fancied me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I thought youse liked me, that's why I came round early.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Sorry, Brad.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Orlando!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Hot the day, in't it?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You've got my card.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Aye. If we ever want JB Priestley round to do the ironing, we'll get in touch.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Bitch!
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Awright.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Well, the improvements here are very encouraging. I can see you've made a real effort
0:23:40 > 0:23:46to create a clean and healthy environment. I think congratulations are in order for you and your...?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Hunk.- Rab's been great. He's helped me though this.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Eh...just in case you're wondering, this is actually platonic.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I know it looks a wee bit dodgy,
0:23:56 > 0:24:01but I'm actually a time-served gigolo. These are just my work claes, know?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Well, once again,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06congratulations.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Just a wee minute, hen.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I'd just like to say thanks very much.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17This means a lot to her, you know?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19She'll no' let you doon.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Or you, I hope. Let's just keep our fingers crossed, shall we?- Aye.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- Cheerio.- All the best.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yes!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30There you are, you see?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32What did I tell you?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34All that hard work paid off.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Didn't it, eh?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Who you phoning now?- My main man.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45He'll bring a few jellies round. I'll invite a few mates up to celebrate.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Aw, come on, hen, there's other ways to celebrate.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53- I might have weans, Rab, but I'm entitled to a life.- That's right.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58But him and his brother are entitled to a life an' all.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Listen, I can fold away my belly and pack up my sad grey pimply arse and get myself oot of here,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05but they cannae.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09You make that call, and I'll make a call an' all.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12To Social bloody Services.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16OK.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18OK.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Naw, you're right.- Right.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Now, away and get a cloth.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Because I made that speech standing in a fresh toaly.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27What?!
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Ach, I'm only kiddin'!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I'm only kiddin'!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Let me see your dragon.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40we'd now like to sing for youse
0:25:40 > 0:25:44The Greatest by Mr Kenny Rogers.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# Little boy
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# In a baseball hat
0:25:55 > 0:26:00# Standing in the field With his ball and his bat
0:26:00 > 0:26:01# With his ball and his bat
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# With his ball and his ba-a-a-a-at... #
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Ella, stop milking it!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- This is supposed to be a simple wee ballad.- Oh, I'm sorry.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I thought I was in a band called The Scrubbers. You know - plural?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I didnae realise it was one great big bloated mega-scrubber!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, I see! It's all coming out now, in't it?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Aw the jealousy and aw the spite.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I used to like that song till you wrapped they big welder's tonsils around it!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Oh, really? Well, I cannae help it if I'm a better singer than you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Huh! Better singer?! If I was that wee boy, I'd forget about his ball
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and wrap that bat round your larynx!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You mean, like this?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43THEY SHOUT
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Right, back by popular demand,
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Marshall Gormley and his musical replacement hip!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56MARY: Ye hoor, ye!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01SQUABBLING CONTINUES
0:27:04 > 0:27:06So how's the job going, Jamesie?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You still taking the old pink pound?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10No.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's all over.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14They traded me in for a younger model.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Ah, the fickle swines.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20They threw me oot like a first wife.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It's dented my self-esteem.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I'm having to question my attractiveness.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Ach, away! Nothing the matter with your attractiveness.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You're still a fine figure of a sleazebag.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Thanks, Rab.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- That means a lot.- Nae bother.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40< FIGHTING CONTINUES INSIDE
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Jamesie?- What?- You want me to light you up one last time?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Would ye?- Aye.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Nae bother at all. There you go, pal.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59The way I see it, it is my civic duty to live fast,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03die skint, and leave a dirty big fat bastard of a corpse.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Mattress!- Oh-ho, ye...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Forever onwards.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Beat it!