0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Aw, brilliant, pure quality.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36- What's funny?- A story in here about a Glasgow woman. Listen.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40"In a fit of revenge, she cut off
0:00:40 > 0:00:45"her husband Sandy Mellish's private part and chucked it in a skip."
0:00:45 > 0:00:46- LAUGHS:- Lush!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49You go, girlfriend, go.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- That's funny?- Of course it is.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54It's extreme, but hey.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Ah, I've got your logic.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- Extreme, but hey. Aw, here's another one, you'll love this.- What is it?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03A woman with a 42-inch chest
0:01:03 > 0:01:08lost one of her nipples in an accident at work with a bacon slicer.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11That's in very poor taste that.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13What happened to "extreme, but hey"?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15What is the difference here?
0:01:15 > 0:01:16There's a world of difference.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20The wife was provoked by her husband's behaviour.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23The other was an unfortunate accident.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I see.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29So what you're actually saying is in the great gender card game of life,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32a pair of tits beats a single cock high.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I don't like the tone of this conversation.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- That's your trouble, lady, innit? Penis envy.- Huh. Is that a fact?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Well, I certainly don't envy yours.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I've seen hanging moles that are mair impressive than that thing.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Aw, no! Is that the time?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I need to start getting ready for Peaches' birthday party.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Since when did it become our job to throw the wean's birthday party?
0:01:53 > 0:01:58Since her mother went up the remedial wing to visit Gash.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It perks her up to see the man that chucked her mair clinically depressed than she is.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06That's just par for the course nowadays, innit?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Why is everything men's fault?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11TELEPHONE RINGS
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Hello?- 'Rab?'
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Jamesie.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20'Rab, I've done a terrible thing.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22'It's my ain fault.'
0:02:22 > 0:02:25What d'you mean? What's happened?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I'll just say it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- I humped a midget!- Ach, is that all?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You humped a knot in a tree once, you didnae ring me about that.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I know, but I'm afraid there's been...
0:02:38 > 0:02:39a development.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Ah, right, I'll be right there.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Oh, honey drawers.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What is it, crispy Ys?
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Would you mind if I were to pop out for a moment?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Not at all, you do whatever the hell you want.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- But you make sure you are back in time for Peaches' birthday party, right?- Aye, aye.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07LAME TOOT
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Och!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Are you sure you want this kid?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I'm sure.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I tried to buy her off, Rab, I said,
0:03:20 > 0:03:26"Look, here's £4.50 up front AND there's a fiver waiting on a scratch card for you after the termination."
0:03:26 > 0:03:31- It's not a question of money, I've told you before!- Listen.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I am not wishing to be indelicate here, but are you sure it's his?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I've had a scan done.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41The wean's got two horns and a tail, and was reading a copy of Asian Babes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42It's his, all right.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I wasn't going to say anything.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I was going to bring the kid up myself.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51And then I thought, I don't want my child hating me cos he doesn't know who his father is.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Er, when you say "he"?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Like I said, I've had a scan done.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- We've even picked a name.- Henry.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Henry?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Him for a faither, Henry for a name,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09all he needs is red hair and he'll have the full bawbag hat-trick.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What am I going to do, Rab?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I'm no ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood. I'm still sowing my wild oats.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- At 62?- What?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's a compliment. I cherished you enough to lie to you.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27There is, of course, one other consideration.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I know he's married. That's why we're here.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33That's why we phoned you, Rab.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I don't know what to do about Ella.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You two talk it over.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44You will support me, won't you, Jamesie?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47How can you even ask that?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50This is our child.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Right, hit men. Who do you know that'll put her in a wheelie bin for a tenner?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01You can't do that, for God's sake. This is your son.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02You don't understand, Rab.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06No having weans was Ella's greatest tragedy.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- I know that, Jamesie, I know. - I mean, news like this could be a devastating blow.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12There's nae tellin' how she'll react.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You're bloody right.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18You'll... you'll have to be delicate here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You'll have to... You'll have to break it to her gently.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Aye.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I will. I'll just say,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"Ella...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"Nae offence,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"but I am the egg man, so get it right up you."
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I'd maybe skip the fingers if I was you.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Right, well, all the best.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Don't go, Rab! I cannae do a thing like this cold, can I?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48At least stay and have a drink with me first.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I cannae, Jamesie, I'm due at Peaches' birthday party.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Oh, I see. Plenty of time for your grandwean,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57but none for your godson?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Godson?- That's right...
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Godfather.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, maybe just the one.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You really like dancing, don't you, Nana?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, aye. I've had plenty of practise, pet.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Up the Lindella in the '60s.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Other lasses danced round their handbags,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I danced round your granda as he lay pished on the floor.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32When's he coming back, Nana? I'm running out of pish music. We need to cut the cake.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Oh, don't you worry, pet. I'll wipe the floor with that useless sack of shite when I get my hands on him.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- It's my birthday! - Oh, in a happy, joyous way.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Hello!- Grampa!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Hello rerr, sweetheart. Hello rerr, Mary Doll.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Come on, let's throw some shapes because it's party on!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03SHE TURNS OFF MUSIC
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Party off?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Go on.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14It's true, Ella. I have been seeing a vivacious young dwarf.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19It started out as a one-off, but I quickly grew enchanted by
0:07:19 > 0:07:24the novelty of having a mini pump lover, and now, alas, she is with child.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- I see. - Hopefully a normal, healthy child, but well, even if it turns out to be
0:07:28 > 0:07:32something that's sitting in a high chair with a full beard and chewing tobacco,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34that'll no bother me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Because a wean's a wean, am I right?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40You're right, Jamesie, a wean's a wean.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Ironic, isn't it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45We tried for 30 year to have a wean.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- What's her name?- Sneezy.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I just made that up! It's Irene, and she's no a real dwarf,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58she's more of a scale model of a human being kind of thing, know?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Forgive me. But I'm puzzled.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05What exactly would any young, self-respecting wee lassie
0:08:05 > 0:08:07see in the likes of you?
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Tragically, Irene suffers from a terrible illness.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15She is, what doctors call...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17a bike.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20That would explain it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26Maybe medical science will come up with a cure one day.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29But meantime,
0:08:29 > 0:08:30this is my solution.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- PSYCHO-STYLE MUSIC - Ella!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39CHEERING
0:08:41 > 0:08:46SLURRED: Listen, I'm sorry I was late for your party, sweetheart, but...
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Well...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I took my feet out for a walk, you see,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52and then I made the mistake of letting them off the leash.
0:08:52 > 0:08:58And they darted into a pub, so I had to run in after them.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03I'll tell you, that is the last time I will buy Hush Puppies.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Bad shoes! Bad shoes!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You promised me faithfully that you would be back in time.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Aw, c'mon, Mary sweetheart.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Angel drawers, don't be like that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:22C'mon, I'll put on a wee bit of the Molly Citrus or the Tink Tonks or whatever the hell
0:09:22 > 0:09:26the weans are listening to nowadays, and we'll have a wee dance, eh?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, bugger off. I don't want any wee dance.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33We've got relationship issues, and the only way we are going to resolve them is...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- MOBILE PHONE BEEPS - Hold on.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Ella, look I cannae talk the now. - Mary!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- You cut off Jamesie's what?- Mary!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Rab will you stop being so selfish...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, Rab! What have I done?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Oh, I was just about to cut the cake...
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- No, no, don't scare the weans, don't scare the weans. Distract them, distract them.- How?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Grampa? What's that sticking out your chest?
0:10:01 > 0:10:07Oh, ah, eh, this is just a wee game that your granny and I sometimes play.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09It's called...
0:10:09 > 0:10:10breid knife hoopla!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Remember breid knife hoopla, Mary?
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Oh. Oh, aye, hours of fun for all the family.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Watch this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Oh...Rab, my life is over.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Aw, stop it, for God's sake.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Lots of men get by without a wullie.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Who? Name one.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I'll rephrase that.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Married men get by without a wullie.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Well, I'm married, and I still need it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Aw, garbage.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58After the first five years, what married couple can be bothered having sex?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Well, no with each other, obviously.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's repulsive!
0:11:02 > 0:11:08But there's randoms oot there, empty, shabby, demeaning affairs.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12They're what made my life worth living.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Ella was under stress.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You got another bird pregnant.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Anyway, what about me, what about me, eh?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Two inches lower, this could have been my heart, boy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27A flesh wound. Another couple of feet lower it could have been your...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29All right, all right, I'm getting the picture.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Rab, you know how much I loved my thingmy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:45I mean, other kids growing up, well, they had their budgies and their goldfish. No' me.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I had Cocky.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I loved him.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I'd take him oot, play with him,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56stroke him, nuzzle him...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Aw, stop it for God's sake.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You're giving me the boak.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I want him back.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You've gottae help me!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Ah, yes, Mr Cotter? Mr Nesbitt?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17How are you both doing?
0:12:17 > 0:12:22Well, for a man whose wife has just scored double tops on his chest plate, no' bad.
0:12:22 > 0:12:29But my colleague here is feeling an unaccustomed draught in the old crotch vicinity.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Yes, yes. It's a great pity that we couldn't locate the missing part, you know.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I mean, if we'd found it in good time, and, you know,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40kept in the right conditions then a re-graft would have been possible.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Sadly...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44This sounds daft, Doctor,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47but I know Cocky's still out there,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49somewhere...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52calling to me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Maybe trapped, maybe in pain.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, catch a grip of yourself.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02It's yer walloper you're talking about, not Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Unfortunately, Mrs Cotter wasn't much help.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07She's at the police station now.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08They say she's traumatised,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12she has very little recollection of what happened.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Doctor.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Tell me I'll pump again!
0:13:16 > 0:13:22Well, with the missing tissue, you know, a full recovery would have been possible.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Without it, well...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Rab...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35There's still a chance.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Oh, aye, of course there is, but well, you heard what the man said, Jamesie.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You know, with every passing minute.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45You've got to help me, Rab.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50D'ye remember that film, Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Aye.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Well, bring me the walloper of Jamesie Cotter!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Well, if Bilbo Baggins can go in search of a ring,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I can maybe play hunt the helmet, eh?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13I wish I could help you,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16but my mind's a blank.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Think back, Ella, when did you last see it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20About 1992.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Even then I had my eyes shut and I was thinking of Chuck Norris.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You don't remember anything at all?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I mind him telling me that he'd made this lassie pregnant.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I was about to make a pan of soup.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I lunged at him.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39The next thing I know I'm running down the street with a Tupperware box in my hand.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41The rest's a total blackout.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Take your time, Mrs Cotter.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46What did you put it in a Tupperware box for?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Were you gonnae cook it for your tea?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I don't know. Do you think I might have been looking for ice?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Ice! That'll be it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55To preserve it. Now where would you have gone?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58The local fishmonger? The butcher?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Fresh food in Govan? Are ye kiddin'?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Nah, nah, there's only one place.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07You leave it with me.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh! Rab.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Aw, it's you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Looking for another game of husband darts, eh?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Do you want to go round the clock on my ribcage this time?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Look, it was an accident.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- I'm really sorry.- Aye, aye.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- I'll speak to you later. - Where you goin'?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I am away out to look for cock.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I never thought I'd ever hear myself say that.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Aye, you're right, Rab. Ella came tearing in here earlier.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50She was in a helluva state. She had this Tupperware box and she asked me
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- to put it in the ice box for her, so that's what I did. - Oh, thank God!
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- How, what's the big deal? - Did she no' tell you what was in it? - Nope.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03If only you knew how often he'd dreamed of you holding that thing in yer hand.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Well, I'll tell you this.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23I've had some queer things in my play piece in my time,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25but never one of these.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29But you have to say, it looks harmless enough, dunnit?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33But see, if you're a man, it never gives ye any peace.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37A penis, well, it's kinda like a supermodel.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Insanely insecure, and demanding constant attention.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43But I suppose, well,
0:16:43 > 0:16:48nature made us that way because of the competition for females.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Well, a penis is actually a man's most prized possession
0:16:53 > 0:16:58and he jealously guards it with every fibre of his being.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10This calls for drastic action.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21You all right there?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- You're going to wear that watch out, amount of time you spend looking at it.- Oh, nice one.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30If you'll excuse me, I've just suffered a tragic loss and I'm hoping it can be repaired.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Yes, me too. Sandy Mellish is my name.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You've probably read about me in the local paper?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Aw, you're the guy that had his...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Exactly!
0:17:41 > 0:17:47I heard about your misfortune. Thought I'd pop along to cheer you up. What about those nurses, eh?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50All those buns, and not a sausage between us.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Just our luck, eh?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Marvellous. My mate's out there right now, he's trying to hunt mine down.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00A race against the cock, right?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Yes, I know, that's the sort of joke that pissed off the surgeon.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08See, if he finds it, d'ye think they can fix it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Oh, yes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13What they've done with me is to stitch mine onto my body
0:18:13 > 0:18:16to keep the circulation going while they prepare for the operation.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Aye, I've heard about that.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Where did they put it, on your leg?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Unfortunately, no.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Like I said, never piss off a surgeon.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Bad bastards.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Right, ya beaky bastards.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Who's got the wullie? Come on!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Was it you? Was it you?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Dear God, you're supposed to be vegetarians,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53ya dozy big eejits that youse are.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Bet you've never seen this on the Living Planet, eh?
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Big David Attenborough slugging the wildlife wi' a beer bottle.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Right, Hitchcock,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08you're claimed!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Aw, you did it, Rab, you did it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I prayed to big Jehovah for this.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I said, "Lord, put an end to plague and famine.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"And then take a swatch roon' Elder Park, see if you can find my Hampton Wick."
0:19:21 > 0:19:26Aye, well, just calm doon a wee bit, Jamesie. They've got to make sure it's the right gull yet.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, I hope so, Rab, I hope so.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Mr Cotter?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Good news.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34We have your missing, er, member.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It was lodged in the gullet of the bird.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38D'ye hear that, Rab?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41A blow job aff a seagull.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Another first for Jamesie Cotter, eh?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47We'd better get you to theatre.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Rab, Rab, if I don't come through this,
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- tell wee Henry about his old man, eh?- Oh, aye, I'll tell him, I'll tell him.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Tell him his daddy was rampant.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Tell him he was conceived in a public toilet while
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I peeked through a glory hole at two gays harrying an oven-ready chicken.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You make him proud of me, Rab.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Right, Jamesie, I will, I will.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12All the best, you'll be all right, you'll be all right.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I've had a word with my superior, Mrs Nesbitt, and there's good news.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- If your husband were to agree that the assault was accidental... - Assault?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28You stabbed me with a breid knife, what would you call it, Reiki massage?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33That the assault was accidental, we could drop any possible criminal charge.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Well?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37All right.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'll do it on one condition.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43That she gets anger management therapy.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Anger management?!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47That's right. Shout at the officer.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Let her know how much you don't need that murderous rage of yours calmed doon.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55You bastard. What about your drinking?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh, d'ye hear that abuse?
0:20:57 > 0:21:02I mean, if you had to listen to that every day would you not take a wee snifter yourself, officer?
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- Does your wife have a history of violence against you, Mr Nesbitt? - Aw, you don't know the half of it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13Many's the time I've had to pamp on the Raybans before I go and do the Saturday shop
0:21:13 > 0:21:16because big Serena Williams there has given me a backhander.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Is this true, Mrs Nesbitt?
0:21:18 > 0:21:23He's a lying toerag. Oh, you're pure lappin' this up, aren't ye?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26See, that's all the badness coming out now.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28We'd be taking a calculated risk, Mrs Nesbitt.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33We need to have your word you won't raise your hands to your husband again.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35All right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'll go to anger management.
0:21:37 > 0:21:43Oh, thank God, thank God. I've waited for years to hear these words.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Bloody delays, eh?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48What's the matter with you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You not got a merry quip to make the time go even slower?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Funnily enough, I've been thinking about it.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58If this re-grafting doesn't take, I'm going to devote my life to others.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I'm going to go to Afghanistan and entertain the troops.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- What d'you think?- Are you familiar with the term 'friendly fire'?
0:22:06 > 0:22:11What about you? What'll you do if yours doesn't take?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I've thought about it, a lot.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I'm gonnae go the whole hog and become a female hooker.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- Really?- I've spent the 62 years with a dick between my legs, it's too late to stop now.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Ah, Mr Cotter, Mr Mellish. Sorry to have kept you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It's been a bloody madhouse in that surgery today.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Anyway, we're ready for you now.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I think. Fingers crossed, uh?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Right!
0:22:42 > 0:22:48SCARY MUSIC
0:22:48 > 0:22:51One thing about this job,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53it's really, really boring.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57You learn how to sleep with your eyes open. But not today.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59This case, it's a real belter.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Mr Nesbitt, I believe that you and your wife have something to say to the court in conclusion?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Yes, Your Honour.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11I am here to vouch for the good character of Ella Cotter.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17Aye, and I am here to vouch for the bad character of James Cotter.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Your Honour, I have known Ella for more than 40 years.
0:23:22 > 0:23:30You could never have met a more cheerful, loyal, sunny, bright, trusting person.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Then she married Jamesie.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Within a year, she'd applied for a gun licence.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41And I have known James Aaron Cotter for 40 years.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44As his closest friend, I can honestly say that
0:23:44 > 0:23:52no more odious specimen of humanity has ever left a trail of slime behind it as it crawled along the gutter.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54When he was born,
0:23:54 > 0:23:59he took a swallow dive into the U-bend of life and never resurfaced.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03In the septic tank of his reeking mind,
0:24:03 > 0:24:09he is the lizard king of defecation, the turd's turd.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I'm taking the bullet for you here the day, you know that, don't you?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I know that, Jamesie, I know that.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Together, we plead for clemency.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Aye. Gie's clemency, ya shower of fat-arsed, middle-class...
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Let's face it, we're all a bit on the nutty side.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And being married makes us even nuttier.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Which is why...and you might think me cracked for doing this...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'm going to give Mrs Cotter another chance.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Mary!
0:24:43 > 0:24:48Right. Now let's all go home, pull on our gimp suit and enjoy life.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Case dismissed.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- I'm not going to jail! Thank God. - MOBILE RINGS
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Oh, Ella, I'm that pleased for you. - Oh, hello?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Allow Scotland, eh?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Fairest legal system in the world.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Justice for the bampot by the bampot!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Who was that?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Irene.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11She's had the wean.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23He's got your eyes, Jamesie.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Sod his eyes, what's his wullie like?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Did you have a hard time with the birth, hen? - Caesarean section.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Now I know how John Hurt felt in Alien.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36No matter, sweetheart. It was worth it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Cos that means it'll still be a nice snug fit down there for Daddy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Stop it. She might cut it aff!
0:25:42 > 0:25:47- You're forgetting something, Jamesie, you're married. - Aye. But in name only.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52For my marriage is nothing but a hideous mockery, a hollow sham...
0:25:52 > 0:25:58based on a deep and abiding love for my wife which just grows stronger...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Ella, I never saw you there.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Irene and Henry, I take it?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07That's us.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12He's a beautiful baby, isn't he, Ella?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Aye. He is.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Irene, d'ye think maybe Ella could have a wee hold of the baby, eh?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Eh? Aye right.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Sure.- Youse wouldn't mind?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Course not.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You go ahead, sweetheart.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Lock the windies, hide any sharp objects.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- You know what I'm thinking, don't you, Jamesie?- No.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41This should have been me and you.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44If only, Ella, if only.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48But we weren't as lucky as Rab and Mary.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51No, no, right enough, you weren't as lucky as us.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07If we knew that having weans was going to turn out unhappily,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10would we go ahead and do it just the same?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Mind you, how can we answer that?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Rab?- What?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Look!- Ah, put the bloody thing away.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Sorry, Rab.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25Aw, it's just lovely to have Cocky back to his old self again.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Ella even gave me a BJ last night, oot of guilt.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32She said it was much bigger than she remembered.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Almost like it was a different one.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40What if it was a different one, eh?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42What d'ye mean by that?
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Well, it's just a thought. But they were mad busy up that hospital that day, remember?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50What if they got you and that other guy mixed up? You know?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Stop. Don't go there.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Hey, you!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I want a word with you!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I think there's been a mistake.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Let me see yours.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05Cocks, eh? Can't live with them, can't live without them.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Come here!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:30 > 0:28:33E-mail Subtitling@bbc.co.uk