0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26ALARM RINGS
0:00:26 > 0:00:28GROANING
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Ooh!
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Oh-oh-oh!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Hello there. ..Oh!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44You join me at a most exciting moment,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49as I am being booted to buggery by two young chanty-wrasslers.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Ooh!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Oh!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Actually, taking a kicking now
0:00:55 > 0:00:59has become a lively social event,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02and the reason is simple.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Because one young bam
0:01:04 > 0:01:08is tweeting what he's doing on Twitter
0:01:08 > 0:01:12and the other is recording my discomfort
0:01:12 > 0:01:14for YouTube. Orghhhh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:18 > 0:01:20What time do you call this?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Mr Nesbitt regrets
0:01:23 > 0:01:27that he was unavoidably detained
0:01:27 > 0:01:29on alcohol business.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36All right, give me the lecture.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38No lecture.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39What?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42In the past you'd have read me the Riot Act then handed me a fork,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45so's I could pick my balls up off the floor.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48In the past we had a future, Rab. Now we don't,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52cos if you keep going the way you're going, you're going to be deid in six months.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Whereas I will still be vertical.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Now...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, wait. Are my seams straight?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Aye, your seams are straight.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Wait a minute, what are you wearing stockings with seams for?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Because it draws attention to the line of the leg.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Whose attention?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Anybody that wants to look.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Employers, satyrs, white slave traders,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19retired accountants from Milngavie.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22In short, the wonderfully wicked world of men.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I'm men!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Men that don't have a label tied to their big toe.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I'll say this for you, you're no' half coping well with the grieving process.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I'm no' even deid yet and you're already oot on the sniff.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39If life is a drama, Rab, I am in my third act.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't have time to waste on regrets.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43One oot, one in.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45That's the way it goes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46PHONE RINGS
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And if you'll excuse me, I have to take a business call.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50On a Sunday?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, that'll be the undertaker, likely.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56He'll be looking for a leg-over at my graveside.
0:02:56 > 0:03:02Hello. Mock the ming, ditch the dirt, say sayonara to shite - you're through the House Mice.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Mary Mouse speaking. How can I help yous?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06'Mary, it's Ella.'
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I'm at the golf club bar.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11The Seniors Tournament's just ended.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16It's like they've opened up all the coffins and the zombies are just climbing out.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I see.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22And is you-know-who there the noo at the said premises?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Yeah.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25I see him.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Pringle jumper and a dodgy hip.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Not that that narrows it down any.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36Well, please tell the said client that I shall be there pronto.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39If anything arises, I shall call him on my Cockberry.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I mean, erm, Blackberry.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Wee bit of a Freudian slip there, was it no'?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, don't be ridiculous.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'm watching you, lady, I'm watching you!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Whatever.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07In the name of our saviour, Jesus Christ,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I baptise you Marvin
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Temazepam
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Bullet the Dog
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Pure Quality
0:04:14 > 0:04:17My Boy's Been Here All Night
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Ten Pound Deal
0:04:18 > 0:04:19McMenemy.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Excuse me! I can't allow drinking in the church.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Oh, aye. Sorry, Reverend, it's just we're in oot the rain.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32We're just waiting on the drop-in centre opening.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34The drop-in centre?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- I'm afraid that closed last week. - What?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Aye, the council cut its funding.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44You'd have known that if you'd no' been too busy lately lyin' steamin' in your ain pish!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It was somebody else's pish!
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Please!
0:04:48 > 0:04:49If I may make so bold...
0:04:49 > 0:04:54I'm afraid my colleague has domestic difficulties.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I'm sorry to hear that.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01His good lady is a cleaner who has lately become popular
0:05:01 > 0:05:05at the Golf Club, where she is affectionately known
0:05:05 > 0:05:07as the 19th hole!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I know what you're thinking -
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I'm trying to get you drunk so I can take advantage.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Well, lots o' luck.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28For the past 40 years, there's been nothing thereabouts except Rab
0:05:28 > 0:05:29and a doctor's spatula.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Oh, that salty, working-class humour.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34I love it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Mary, you know, I have reached the age
0:05:37 > 0:05:40when I can afford the good things in life,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and I would like that special someone to enjoy them with.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45D'you mean that?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'm more than just a cleaner to you?
0:05:48 > 0:05:53We could go out on mixed fours together - soon as you get some clubs.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Well, I'm working on a putter at the very minute.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58When will you have it?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01As soon as the park keeper at Bellahouston turns his back.
0:06:01 > 0:06:07Oh, you and your earthy, spirited ways. I love it.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Oh, here - steady. You'll have me on my back.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, that would never do...would it?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Oh, you!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Right.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27What's his name?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29What d'ye mean?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- There's something going on here. - Look, Rab, try and be mature, eh?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36A marriage should be about communication, no' recrimination.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39A marriage should be based on trust,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41where two people decide they...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, oh, oh! What you daein'?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm checking your label.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48If you'd put thae knickers back on inside oot,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50there was gonnae be trouble, lady.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Look, there isnae anybody else.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Ah, garbage! It's the monkey theory, isn't it? It's the monkey theory.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Women never let go of one branch
0:06:58 > 0:07:00until they've got a hold of another yin.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Now, what is his name?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I am not telling you and you are never going to beat it out of me.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You watch me, lady. I'll tickle it oot of ye!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12All right, all right, all right! It's Kendrew!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Kendrew?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What the hell kind of name is that?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Is he a man or a Teletubby?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21He's a gentleman. He's a retired accountant.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24That's enough of that. You've given me the boak now.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27He has appreciated me a lot more than you ever have.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Ooargh!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You hear that? You hear that?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35A retired accountant?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Chucked for a corpse that does arithmetic.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48See this bloody drop-in centre? This was my finest hour, Jamesie.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51This was my Archie Gemmill moment, you know?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54For once, for once, I did something with my life.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Twice.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Don't forget, at the Govan alkies' sports day
0:07:59 > 0:08:02we beat all comers at pishing highest up the JobCentre wall.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Aye, so we did.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Mr Nesbitt?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Aw, Christ, it's that holy bastard.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12He puts me right off my swally. I'm offski.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Aw, Jamesie, don't leave me here with him.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17All right, Reverend?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Mr Nesbitt, I thought you'd like to know,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I've been speaking to the local council about the community centre.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Oh.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26They're saying it'll cost around £10,000
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- to get it up and running again. - 10K?- Mmm.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32We've no' got that kind of money. Dear God.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37The only people that are working round here are drug dealers and...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39and you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, there you are - how about it, bro? What's the chances?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I don't think so.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Aw, come on - loosen up.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Chuckin' your money away is a marvellous feeling.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51I mean, look at me.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'm humped, but I'm happy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yes, so I see.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I'm sorry, but I have commitments.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58RAB LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm sure you do,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03but they're obviously no' to the people of Govan, eh?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Well, if you're no' going to help, I will.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Mr Nesbitt, I can see that you mean well,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14but I fear the monks of Buckfast Abbey have seen the best of you.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Cheery-bye the now.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20HE MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH
0:09:20 > 0:09:21You hear that there?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22You hear that?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I mean, it doesnae matter how nice-natured the man is, does it?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29The mere act of putting on a dog collar has turned him
0:09:29 > 0:09:32into a condescending wank.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Right, I'm talking car-boot sale here.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Anybody got a motor?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Naw.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Anybody know anybody wi' a motor? - Naw.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Anybody in anybody's family ever caressed
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- or knowingly fondled a motor?- Naw.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- I got hit wi' a motor once.- I see.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And by some happy twist of fate, is the boot still lodged up your pumper,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and ready to be adapted as a useful sales emporium?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Naw.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, well, that kinda rules that oot
0:10:06 > 0:10:10as a possible source of group largesse, doesn't it, eh?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Ya glaikit, wet-brained article that ye are!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But why did the council have to shut our wee place doon?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18What's 10K to them?!
0:10:18 > 0:10:24Rab, if you want to see a real fanny merchant, clock this. That bam fae the council.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28'It is a time of harsh austerity
0:10:28 > 0:10:31'and we are ALL suffering.
0:10:31 > 0:10:37'That is why I've put together a select band of city councillors
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'who will report to me once a month
0:10:40 > 0:10:45'in the sauna suite of the Elysium Hotel in Mykonos.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49'Last year, on our fact-finding mission
0:10:49 > 0:10:53'to the discos of Gran Canaria, many people came...'
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Ye see what we're up against? - Aye, we're humped.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- We might as well get blootered. - Sit on your arse! We are not getting blootered.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Was Jesus blootered
0:11:03 > 0:11:07when he threw the money-lenders oot the temple, eh?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Well, fair enough, he probably was, but that's no' the point.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14See when I see bams like that, I know what we've got to do.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15We've got to get medieval here.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18We've got to shame these bastards.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23We've got to use every trick in the book to make these bastards squirm.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- I could offer 'em sex.- What?!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I'd have a bath first.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31I'll tell you this, if Jesus was around today,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I know fine well what he'd have done.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37And the way I'm feeling, I might just do the bloody same.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38What?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43< SAWING
0:11:43 > 0:11:46< BANGING
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Hey, what's going on?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52What you up to in there?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54None of your business! Bugger off.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56What is all the noise about?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I've got a woman in here.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03That was her napper banging aff the heidboard.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What the hell are you up to?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Oh, I see!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Yesterday you were wanting a divorce.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Noo you're worried. What's the matter?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Kendrew take fright once he had his cataracts fixed?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Get out of my bloody way!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23God Almighty!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27No' quite, but you're on the right lines.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# Edelweiss
0:12:30 > 0:12:34# Edelweiss... #
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Mmm!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Forget Jimmy Hill, Damon Hill or Blueberry Hill.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49For me, there will only ever be the one Hill.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52The guvnor, Vince, who you all just heard there
0:12:52 > 0:12:56on the Ally Cruin "So Sweet, You'll Greet" hour.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59We're still here with our local man, Rab.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Rab, what first prompted you...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Glasgow Council, that's who prompted me, boy! Glasgow bloody Council -
0:13:04 > 0:13:08bunch of bloody wanks! That's what they are.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Bunch of- BLEEP!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against- BLEEP.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- see in the past, I could have- BLEEP- for Scotland.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- But see these- BLEEP, - see these- BLEEP!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- These- BLEEP- are spit-roasting the bloody lot of us!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Commonwealth- BLEEP- Games, is it?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Commonwealth- BLEEP- Games?!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- They cannae gie us 10K, 10K for a- BLEEP- drop-in centre.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Glasgow bloody Council!
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Their- BLEEP- expense accounts and their- BLEEP- Hugo Boss- BLEEP- dinners!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- They gie me the- BLEEP- dry boak, the- BLEEP- lot of them.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40So there you are!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Here's Michael Buble with Song for You.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- He's a- BLEEP BLEEP- an' all!
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Forget him, Mary, he'll only make you unhappy.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01He has pulled some serious stunts in the past, but crucifixion?!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'm worried sick, Kendrew.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I know, me too.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Now spread your thighs a bitty more
0:14:09 > 0:14:13and lean forward over the putter.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19I'm getting some serious body heat there, Kendrew.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Sorry, sorry.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Noo...am I wiggling my hips enough?
0:14:23 > 0:14:29Oh, you can never wiggle your hips too much in my book.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Now, that's good, just hold that pose there. That's it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39CAMERA CLICKS
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Oh, you have a seriously good arse!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44What?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Did I say "arse"?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I meant...stance.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What am I like?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I'm beginning to wonder.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Can we play the bloody shot or no'?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Of course, of course.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Now then, give me a nice swivel...
0:15:00 > 0:15:01- Uh-huh.- ..and...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Fore!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh! Trust me!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We're here to learn.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Huggies.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17What's that?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, that?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's just a wee documentary I taped last night...
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Inside Nature's Giants.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What do you say to critics
0:15:35 > 0:15:38who argue that what you're doing is poverty porn,
0:15:38 > 0:15:43the exploitation of the poor as gratuitous entertainment?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I'm poor, so that must mean I'm exploiting myself, you know,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49heartless bastard that I am.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Mind you, I cannae speak for my manager.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53And who is your manager?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Er, that's me, sweetheart.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57James Villeneuve Aaron Cotter.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02As Rab's closest disciple, I will be doing my utmost
0:16:02 > 0:16:07to make sure that this doesnae degenerate into some tawdry circus.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Which is why this hand-painted,
0:16:13 > 0:16:18dishwasher-friendly "JC meets Rab C" mug is nothing but the best.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Maybe an iconic gift for your boyfriend?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I, er...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I don't have a boyfriend.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Me neither!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29We've got so much in common.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Rab, when the time comes, don't think you'll have died in vain.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I could get a pump out of this.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41That makes it all worthwhile.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Have you any idea how damaging this could be for the city's image?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06I'm helluva sorry.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I didnae mean to drag morals into public life, know?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Don't you get all high and mighty with me!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Sitting there all culturally macho because you drink pints.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I may seem like another council nerd to you, but believe you me,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I work out.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Listen.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27You know what I'm after.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You're closing wur drop-in centres and we want them back.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Are you mad?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36This city has to find 500 million for the Commonwealth Games!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Think about it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:422,000 Africans pitching up at the height of the Glasgow summer?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Have you got any idea what the heating bills will be like?!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Where have I got 10K a pop to throw away on public health?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Listen.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I'll come clean here.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I do not want to kill myself.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Come on, what's 10K to the council?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I will tell you what I told the press pack
0:18:03 > 0:18:05at our austerity summit in Marbella.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11"The Govan drop-in centre was an unfortunate victim
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"of very necessary cuts in expenditure.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"We must all make sacrifices."
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Savvy?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23All right, all right, I'll bloody well do it, then!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I'll show yous up for the scammy bastards yous are!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30As a citizen, you can say what you want, but you can't do what you want.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34You attempt this blasphemy and I'll have you arrested.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36There.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Swear on the sanctity of my council expenses claim form.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Your hand! Swear!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45All right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48All right. I promise not to crucify myself.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Finally.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a city to run
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and a cummerbund to buy.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Cheerio.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06It's therapy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07See that there?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09< SNIFFING
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Some people walk the line.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Others snort it up their wee pink snouts.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I'm no' going to let this bastard beat me.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28You are cordially invited to a public burning!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31If you liked the Twister at Alton Towers,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35you will love the burning of the male witch in Govan.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Bring the family for a day of joy and laughter,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and a fat bastard getting his arse scorched...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43What the hell do you think you're doing?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I'm advertising the show!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It's no' a show!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's a heroic action!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Now you tell me! I've got majorettes booked and everything.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I've taken the weans out of school for this.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I even sent a tweet to that Simon Cowell.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00This could be a glittering showcase for their multi bastarding talents.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05- Are you gonnae let them doon the way you did us? - I will not let yous down!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Well done, Rab.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Mary would be proud of you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Well, that's if she wasnae pumping thon other guy.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- What's his name again? - Kendrew.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16What?!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Kendrew!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Mary! Quelle surprise!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Kendrew.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It's just, well, I've been having a wee think to myself
0:20:34 > 0:20:36about what happened the other day.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, have you? And...?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I don't really want to talk about it out here on the step.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Certainly not before the watershed.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh. Why not?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47There may be scenes of a sexual nature.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Oh, michty me!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Come in.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Welcome to Rab of Ark, in stunning Jamesievision!
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Right, well, I'd like to welcome the world's press here to Govan the day.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24And I would just like to say that I have no regrets in what I'm doing.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25I just, well...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I just want to leave the world a better place than I found it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And, er, I love yous all.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Jamesie of Orleans, are you ready?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Rab of Restitution Street, say the word!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Right. Let's...
0:21:44 > 0:21:45do it!
0:21:48 > 0:21:52# Fire, I'll take you to burn
0:21:55 > 0:21:59# Fire, I'll take you to learn
0:22:02 > 0:22:05# I'll see you burn... #
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I'm touching terry towelling here, you know what I'm saying?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16This is an unexpected pleasure.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17I'm fae Govan.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19All pleasures are unexpected.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Including this one.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28That... That was just a hobby.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32A lot of my ladies were most happy to oblige.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34They needed the extra pin money.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37You rotten bastard!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You were grooming me!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Oh, no, Mary, none of these other cleaners meant anything to me.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It was nothing personal!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oh, really? Well, neither's this, then.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Oh, Kendrew, oh...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Are you all right?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh, Kendrew, speak to me.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01O-o-o-o-o-oh!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Don't move.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I can see your knickers.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10O-o-o-o-oh...
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Are you ready, Rab?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Aye, I'm ready.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Jamesie...
0:23:19 > 0:23:24I'd like to say that you have been a great friend to me.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Thanks, pal.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I'd like to say it, but I cannae.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Because you've been a dirty, rancid toerag right down the line.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Let's no' split hairs, Rab.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Jumble up the words, there's a compliment in there somewhere.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Right, Jamesie, let's do it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45And whatever happens, don't stop.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I don't want to lose my nerve.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50SIREN WAILS
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Ah naw, there's the bizzies! Hang on.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Aaaaaaaargh!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57What the hell are ye daein'?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00You said don't stop. There's nae pleasing you, is there?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06< Ho!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09You Rab of Ark?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Oh, aye, just cos I'm standing in a bonfire?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Oh, I don't know. You set fire to your hoose a couple of times
0:24:16 > 0:24:17and they never let you forget it.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Aye, Rab's a qualified arsonist.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He's got to practise somewhere.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26That's yous all over! Making out we're in-breeds just cos we're fae Govan.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Very few of us are in-breeds here. Most of them are up the bingo.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Right, I want this circus broken up...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33now!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36On what grounds? We've every right to protest.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38< On health and safety grounds!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42The public must be protected.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I know your face. Are you off that Holby City?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I'm Simon Byrd, your council leader.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50ALL: Boo!
0:24:50 > 0:24:54At this moment, I should be working tirelessly for Glasgow
0:24:54 > 0:24:59by attending the stage premiere of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01On my command...
0:25:02 > 0:25:03..unleash hell!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Priscilla's a bike!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Give us back wur drop-in centre!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09OK. Unleash hell.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Release the scratch cards!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17No, no, no, forget the scratch cards...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20The bastard's trying to fob us off!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22No hard feelings, Biffo,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25but Glasgow's a modern, thriving metropolis.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29We don't want throwbacks like you sullying its image.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32We can't have class martyrs on my watch.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35On your way, unless you want to end up in the back of that van
0:25:35 > 0:25:38gettin' a right good boot up your knickers.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40All right, all right!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I'm going, I'm going.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I realise I cannae fight City Hall.
0:25:45 > 0:25:51I'll say this, you're the ugliest pole dancer I've ever seen.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Here, have a pint on me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Oh, thanks very much.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I bow to your superior authority.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, helluva sorry! I'll just away and get some help.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08There's nothing like a wee spot of violent slapstick
0:26:08 > 0:26:11for making you feel even with life, eh?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh! A photo opportunity.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17After "scum". And... Scum!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27You know, when Mr Nesbitt told me that he planned to raise funds
0:26:27 > 0:26:30to re-open the centre, I admit I had my doubts.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33But then I went home, and I prayed.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37And you know, I like to think that God answered my prayers.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40He answered my prayers an' all.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44And lo! Two wise men didst come from the East End.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Mr Nesbitt, I understand your benefactors are very busy men
0:26:49 > 0:26:51who can't be with us today.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52But please tell us
0:26:52 > 0:26:55how this wonderful project came to touch their hearts.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Certainly, of course.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Our benefactors are actually two young thrusting businessmen
0:27:03 > 0:27:06who started out with nothing but, well,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08a spy hole and an Alsatian dug.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11They actually heard me on the Ally Cruin show,
0:27:11 > 0:27:17making a heartfelt plea for tolerance and human understanding
0:27:17 > 0:27:21and not to put too fine a point on it, they were fucking moved.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27An inspirational tale.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31But Mr Nesbitt, what business is it your colleagues are actually in?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33The clue's in the title. Just draw the curtains.
0:27:33 > 0:27:40Well, it, er gives me great pleasure to declare this drop-in centre...
0:27:40 > 0:27:41open!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Well, it's true what they say -
0:27:50 > 0:27:54there's a little bit of good in the worst of us.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56You skanky bastard!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And a little bit of bad in the best of us.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Mary!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Pumped any geriatrics lately?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13All right.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Look, get yourself down thae shops
0:28:15 > 0:28:18and get a loaf, a pint of milk and a pound o' mince for the night's tea.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I'm away to my work.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28That's Govan for "I love you", by the way.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Business as usual?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I think so.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33That being the case...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35beat it!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Beat it!