0:00:33 > 0:00:36She's much nicer than Mr Conway isn't she?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Aye. Mr Conway was a fud. Be even worse now he's a headmaster.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43As your new teacher, I want to get to know you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46One way to do that is to ask about role models.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Who has a good role model in their family?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- Yes, Peaches? - My grandpa, Miss.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54He talks the talk, but he can walk the walk.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Miss, her grandpa's a nut job. - My da says so.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Your da dumped your ma for a minger oot of Zumba class.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Your da's a fanny.- Enough!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's very encouraging that your grandpa has
0:01:06 > 0:01:08turned his life around, Peaches.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I'm worried about you and your drinking, Rab.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Who you talking about? I'm teetotal.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20That's what I mean. You're fae Govan and no' taking a swally.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It kinda goes against nature.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Listen, boy,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28being 50 and vertical is going against nature round here.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Govan is the only place I know
0:01:30 > 0:01:33where you can win a new liver on a scratch card.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36There we go, chaps.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39A pint for Andra,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42a pint for me,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and, of course, the...John Knox cocktail for yourself, Rab.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49There's nothing the matter with plain tap water, boy.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- So don't you start the needle! - That's the style, Rab.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Threaten me with violence. What a great advert for the sober life.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I love the sober life. I've never been happier, ye hear me?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02H-A-P-P-bastardin'-Y!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Well, I must say it's good to see so many faces here today,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12both old and new, all seeking help, y'know.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14People like, er...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Leanne.- Aye, Leanne.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And of course, Jinty here
0:02:19 > 0:02:24who's been coming to alcohol counselling for how long? 12 years, Jinty?
0:02:24 > 0:02:2513.
0:02:25 > 0:02:2913, is it? How old are you now, Jinty?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Rab, please! I'm a bastardin' lady!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Ah, sorry, sorry.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Nae offence, you know? - I'm sorry too.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41To tell the truth, I had a wee drink of wine during the tea break.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45I know I shouldnae have, but surely even you must get tempted, eh, Rab?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48HE SPLUTTERS
0:02:52 > 0:02:55So, where is he?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, yer Granda'll no' be long pet, I'm sure.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- It's my own stupid fault for opening my gub.- Naw!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Your Granda'll dae a great talk to your class,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- he'll be a great role model. - Are ye sure, Nana?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10People say he used to fall down drunk in the street.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12No just the street, hen. Naw, naw.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Parks, ponds, oot ae windies...
0:03:15 > 0:03:16He was very versatile.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I know, I know.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32A gruesome spectacle, isn't it?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Like a bloody wildlife video, isn't it, eh?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39A dirty big grizzly bear in a string vest
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and an Oxfam suit
0:03:41 > 0:03:45gettin' beasted into his own body weight in ice cream.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51But needs must when the devil drives.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Mm!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Oh, Leanne!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I didnae see you there.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I haven't lifted my head for the past wee while, y'know?
0:04:09 > 0:04:15- I've been, eh, heavily involved in the gluttony business.- Me too.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Very warm in the counselling room tonight, wasn't it? Nice to cool off.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, yes, yes. Most refreshing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26There we go, creme de menth flavour for you,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28and Bailey's flavour for you.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31You've been through the brandy and Cointreau flavours,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34not to mention the Irish whiskey and rum and raisin.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Wee bit of a theme developing there, eh?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43God...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47..who am I trying to kid?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I've been desperate for a drink for months now.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- I don't think I can hold out for much longer.- Me neither.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Every day without a drink's a nightmare.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I know! See drink? It's better than having sex, innit?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Well, better than sex with me, obviously.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05The touch, the taste,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07the shudder!
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Maybe we could just have the wuh...the wuh...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Maybe we could just have the wuh... No, I can't say it!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Go on, say it.- I cannae!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22All right then, I'll say it. Just the one.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23HE GASPS
0:05:46 > 0:05:48# I'm LEANNE-ding
0:05:48 > 0:05:50# On the lamppost at the corner of the street. #
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Ha-ha! That's terrible!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Comedy gold!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01THEY CACKLE
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Sorry, could I ask you to keep the noise down a wee bit, please?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Ah, certainly, nae bother!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Nae bother. Shoosh, shoosh!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13So, tell me, Rab,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16have you always been morbidly obese?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Oh, no, no, no. No, not at all.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I've ac... I've actually been quite happily obese.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26You know, my wee granddaughter actually takes...
0:06:26 > 0:06:30takes after me in that respect.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- Really? What's her name? - Her name? Her name is Peaches.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Peaches Nesbitt.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Oh, my God. Angelic face, potty mouth?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That's the very one!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The very one. Why do you ask?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'm her teacher.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Ah, her teacher? Oh...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Oh, my God!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57What have I done? I'm ruined, I'm finished!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- I may have to kill myself! - Aye...yeah...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Ye might, ye might...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Ah, come on, let's have another drink!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07I need to think of my career.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12This episode has been a tragic error-rr of judgement.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Make that two tragic errors of judgement.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Ah, Lea-a-anne!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What you looking at?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30HE GROWLS
0:07:31 > 0:07:37I too...I too have seen the error of my ways. I have!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Oh, bugger it. I'm pished anyway, y'know?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Cheers!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Eejit! What did the doctor tell you about drink?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- No' to drink it. - And what have you gone and done?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Drank it.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58C'mon, Mary, it was just...it was just a wee bit of ice cream
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- so's I could get a jag from the bottom of the tub, no?- The tub?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04There's hunners of them!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Mary-y-y! - Aw, this is it, eh?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10This is it! Back to the bad old days!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Aw, c'mon, Mary.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17It's nothing like the bad old days. I mean, I have matured.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22I mean, the door's still on its hinges, you know?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26And tonight of all nights, when you knew that wee Peaches was waiting
0:08:26 > 0:08:28to talk to you about you being a role model!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Oh, God knows what that teacher's going to make, eh?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Oh, here, Mr Teetotal Grandpa, oot getting blootered to the nines!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I wouldnae actually worry too much about her teacher.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44How no'?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Well, she was oot getting blootered with me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- She's an alkie too. - In the name of God!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I know! It's a delightful coincidence, isn't it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58She's actually part of my counselling group.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Well, I thought I'd heard it all round here,
0:09:02 > 0:09:03when the Early Learning Centre
0:09:03 > 0:09:06opened a needle exchange section, but this?!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09We'd better no' tell Peaches, you know?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Ah, wait a minute!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Wait a minute. What were you doing oot with that woman?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You're no' at the creepin' games again, are you?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Aw, c'mon, Mary, Mary, Mary!
0:09:21 > 0:09:26You know you're the only woman for me, you know that.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29C'mon and I'll prove it to you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31C'mon, wheech your kit off
0:09:31 > 0:09:33and we'll have a wee game of spoons.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Or seein' as how we're fat bastards, ladles!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Get off me! Just make do with a cup of tea.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I let myself down, Jamesie.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I went oot and I got blootered.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Of course you got blootered. You're an alkie.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53It's the job description.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I cannae go back on the swally again.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- If I do that, I'll lose my liver.- Ach, a flesh wound!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00There's always the intravenous drip.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Then I'll lose my wife and maybe my grand wean.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06That's women for you, always trying to drag us up to their level.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12Aw, good, it's gone! That means Ella's bought it for my birthday!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14What is it?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Take it from me, Rab. We're getting older.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Deny yourself nothing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Honest to God, it's ages since we've all been out together, isn't it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Gie's a break!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I took you to your Maw's funeral last year.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35She meant all of us, Jamesie. Cheers.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Cheers.- Here, Rab,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39you don't mind us having a drink, do you?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It's not going to make you all tense or nothing, is it?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Look at that hair.- Rab, don't start!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I knew he'd have a go at me, and it's my birthday as well.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54What does he expect? He turns up with a dead crow on his napper
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and I'm not supposed to mention it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You've done nothing but mention it all night.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Rab, what did I tell you before we left the house tonight, eh?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Right, you are on your last warning. - All right, all right.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Just admit one thing, you dyed it, didn't you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I did not dye it! I swear to God.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15May my mother rot in hell if I...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- What colour?- Midnight Raven.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- There, you satisfied? - Midnight bastardin' raven!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He's spoiling my birthday, Ella! I said he would and he's doin' it.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28It's male groomin', Rab. There's nothing the matter with that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Male groomin'?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Listen, I go out every morning for a loaf,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35a pint of milk and a sunflower facial scrub.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38What I do not do is stick my napper
0:11:38 > 0:11:41in a bucket of matt emulsion and come up with a heid lookin' like
0:11:41 > 0:11:44something out the changing of the bloody guard!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Back off! It was a birthday present. And I bought it for him.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Well, that was a good call. That'd be a pound well spent.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Double that, if you must know! If you include the pony tail.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Excuse me. Is everybody OK for refreshments?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Yes, I'd like another large jelly trifle, please.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07With sherry, and a paper umbrella, and hunners and thousands.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12You had jelly for your main course, and jelly for your pudding. You're not getting any more jelly!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I want jelly. It's my birthday, right?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Geez jelly, you! - Don't give me a showing up.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Here, have some bloody jelly!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22YELLING
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Sit down on your arse, will ye?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27This is supposed to be a friends' night out. Don't you spoil it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It's all right for you.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I wear my life like a hair shirt
0:12:31 > 0:12:35and it's beginning to drive me bloody mad!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Look, don't you take this oot on me because you cannae get a drink.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42That's why I try to gie up the drink, to please you.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43But what's the bloody point?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Aw, well you just sit there
0:12:45 > 0:12:48and pick the lice out of your armpits then, eh?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I'll be in the lavvy with Ella. You coming?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yer on.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- What you looking at?- Oh, calm doon.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04You want God. I want jelly.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It's the same thing, only with different names.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10When did my life turn into a jail sentence, Jamesie?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13The minute you gied up the swally.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17That's when the long fuse that led to this moment was first lit.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21God, I miss it. God, I miss it!
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- I loved our nights out on the ran dan.- D'you mean that?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You're right, Jamesie.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32The clock of life is ticking fast and you've got to grab pleasure.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34You've got to grab it with baith hauns.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Rab, sweetheart!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40You don't know how long I've waited
0:13:40 > 0:13:43for you to say those words.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I know that, I know.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58That's it, just the bill, just the bill.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08See when I walk in that pub?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11My whole life's going to change, Jamesie.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I'm going to be playing Russian roulette with my liver again!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Wait a minute, what the hell's happened?
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- Where are they? - Calm doon, Mary. There might be an innocent explanation.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Your husbands said something about "going out on the ran dan
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"to...gie it...laldy?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Innocent, my arse!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I cannot let you walk into that pub.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- What d'you mean, what d'you mean? - Hold me, Rab.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Aw!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Aw, it's so long since
0:14:45 > 0:14:48we've held each other up this way!
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Do you think I'd want to throw away this moment of exquisite rapture
0:14:53 > 0:14:56by pamping you back into the wet brain unit?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58What you talking about?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I thought we was going oot on the ran dan.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Rab, in this hi-tech age,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07the ran dan takes many forms.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It's like I said, Rab,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14deny yourself nothing!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23So, where is he this time?
0:15:23 > 0:15:29Well, he...He had to dash away. Oh, he had an urgent appointment.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Where?- Er, well...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35He's very big in the jelly fight industry,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I'm sure it was something to do with that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42The school talk's the morra. He's supposed to be her role model.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45My mammy's right, Grandpa promised me.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I know, I know, hen. I'm really sorry.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Well, that's that, in't it? Goodbye childhood, hello self harm.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57And I was hoping to put that off until she fell pregnant, too.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- I'm only 11.- Have you never heard of forward planning?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04MUSIC: Sutherland's Law Theme
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Remember this, boys? - The theme from Sutherland's Law.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# Da da-run da da-de da... #
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Aye, very nice.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21But I must say, this isnae what I imagined.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Are you sure this is a crack den?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, it's a crack den all right, no danger.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27But for the over 50s.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31It's just that when you get to our age you want a wee bit of comfort
0:16:31 > 0:16:32with your crack, don't you?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34What you're actually saying is this is a crack den
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- for the Saga generation. - That's well put, Rab.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42You can play dominoes, Scrabble, or have a nice wee go
0:16:42 > 0:16:46at the crossword while you wait to chase the dragon.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48But is that no' a bit...
0:16:48 > 0:16:53- shite?- Crack's just a wee dod of our cultured baby-boom lifestyle.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Tell him, Breen.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01The great thing is, unlike other crack dens,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05there's none of that bloody Fiddy Cent or Diddy Rascal nonsense here,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10just a lovely wee background of the Scottish Philharmonic
0:17:10 > 0:17:12to aid chillosity.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Has he got mental health issues? - Oops!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Dodie, these have turned out lovely, if I do say so myself.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28The pastry's rare and buttery.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Mmm!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Andra?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38In the name! What the hell are you dressed like that for?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42All right, I admit it, I've got a secret life.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45By night I walk the twilight world of Govan...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47At least I do on Tuesdays, when Babette's at bingo.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Want a sausage roll?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Where did ye get them, the Atlantis branch of Greggs?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Aye, rip the piss. But we'll see how big youse are once you've tried
0:17:56 > 0:17:57the games room.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59The games... What the hell's the games room?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01HE SNIGGERS
0:18:05 > 0:18:07# Tra-la! #
0:18:07 > 0:18:09What the hell is that?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11What d'ye think?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Let's...rock!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, he's turned his phone off.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- What's he doing? - How can I break this to you gently?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Wait...I cannae.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Rearrange these words into a well-known phrase or saying -
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- pish, own, Grandpa, lying, his, in. - Grandpa's lying in his own pish?
0:18:33 > 0:18:39See? Learning can be fun, can't it? Right, one last try.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45PHONE RINGS
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- PHONE:- 'You have one message. Message one...'
0:18:55 > 0:18:56- MARY:- 'Where the hell are you?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00'You get your bloody act together and get your arse back up to this hoose!'
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Rab?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Jamesie?- Rab?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Jamesie?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Where are you, Jamesie?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'm in here.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15In...in where?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17In the games room.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21The games...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh, oh...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29HE GASPS
0:19:29 > 0:19:31In the name!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Rab, I found these clothes in the wardrobe.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Dodie keeps them there as a sacred shrine to the memory of his wife.
0:19:40 > 0:19:46Naturally, I went through the handbags looking for spare change.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52And that's when the drugs started doing strange things to me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I put these on...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58..and I thought of you.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Me?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No, no, no, no, no...
0:20:04 > 0:20:08..ye can cut that malarkey out right now.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10No. No.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Although, I must say...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17that is a very nice perfume you're wearing.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18What is it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Air Wick - Peach & Jasmine.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I let one go early on,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32but that was in another life.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'm different noo.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Aah!
0:20:39 > 0:20:45And, em, that's...actually a nice dress you're wearing.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm glad you like it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52D'you know the nicest thing about it?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54It comes aff.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Aw, no, no, no...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02No, no, no...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04No, no.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Oh! Oops!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Try and understand,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13alcoholism is an illness.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Aye, an illness that afflicts useless lazy bastards.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Funny how it always seems to find them, in't it?- Don't worry, Nana,
0:21:20 > 0:21:26- it's no' your fault.- Thanks, pet. - All the same, you're two rungs down on the love ladder now,
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- and it'll be a long climb back up again.- Right, come on, you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40HE YAWNS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Rab?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Aye?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Are you awake?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Aye.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54See if I was to say,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"How was it for you?"
0:21:56 > 0:21:57How would you answer?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I'd say, "I hope it was non-existent for me."
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Aye, me tae.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07What did we dae?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I don't know, Jamesie, I don't know.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13How you feeling?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Have you got any...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18itching or tenderness or anything?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Naw, I'm fine.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Well, that's a relief.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Ach, we're probably just being paranoid because, let's face it,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33we were that oot our skulls on crack, I mean,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37we weren't fit to do anything, you know?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Aye, exactly.- There ye are. - Right enough.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Rab?- What?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Can I have my knickers back?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Certainly.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55So, er, how do you think the game'll go the night?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Three-point cushion at the top, you know,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'd settle for a draw right now.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I think you're right.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Jamesie?- What?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- This never happened, right? - Right, Rab.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13HE CRIES
0:23:20 > 0:23:23SHE YAWNS
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- RAB:- 'Aw, Mary, I didnae mean to ruin your mother's funeral.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:41'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46'C'mon, Mary, it's nothing like the bad old days.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49'I mean, I have matured.'
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Sod it!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04See? I knew your grandpa wouldnae turn up.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Ma da says he's a mentalist.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Your da's a rent boy. Ma da would spank his wee pink arse for him.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Hullo.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Grandpa! - HE CHUCKLES
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- I'm here for the role model talk. - I'm sorry, Rab,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21but there's been a change of plan.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Oh, aye? What d'you mean?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I'm Gordon Conway, the headmaster. And you are?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Eh, Rab Nesbitt, statistic and role model.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- Go on yoursel', Grandpa. - Nae bother, sweetheart.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Weans, eh?- Exactly.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42And "weans" have to be protected, Mr Nesbitt.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- What d'you mean?- He means me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I misled the school over my disclosure certificate.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I didn't own up that I had, you know, issues.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Ah, you mean the fact that you're a piss head?- Quite.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Ach, don't worry about that.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Half the teachers in my school were piss heads, honestly.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You'd open a cupboard door and the whang of Polo mints
0:25:03 > 0:25:06would hit you like a right hook to the tonsils.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Times have changed, thankfully.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11And I can't stand by while a teacher of mine
0:25:11 > 0:25:17not only conceals her own addictions but invites a practising alcoholic
0:25:17 > 0:25:22to dish out pints of his so-called wisdom to innocent children.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25THEY need to be protected.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Protected? Protected fae what?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I mean, d'you think I'm here to say "Hi, kids, I am a bumscuffer?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"I've ruined my life, I've got four brain cells
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"and mould growing doon the front of ma troosers.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"I'm here as a cautionary tale."
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I'm sorry, but my mind is made up.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Ach, your mind was made up when ye slurped oot the womb,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49ya hideous Hush-Puppied geek that ye are.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- What subject do you do?- Geography.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Listen, kids, here's the deal, let's put this to the vote, right?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58What would you rather have -
0:25:58 > 0:26:03a wee pep talk from a skanky bawbag like me, or geography?
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- ALL:- Pep talk from a skanky bawbag.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Quiet!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Mr Nesbitt, I'm asking you to leave or I'll call the police.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Miss Carruth, collect your things.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- Wait a minute, is he giving you your jotters?- 'Fraid so.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well, it's your call.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26But if it was me, I'd want to mark the occasion, you know?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I wouldnae want my time in Govan to count for nothing,
0:26:29 > 0:26:30know what I'm saying?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You may well have a point.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Mr Conway?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Yes?
0:26:36 > 0:26:41CHEERING
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Switch those cameras off. Switch them off!
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Well, I must say, that was a bloody good effort.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Here, have a wee Glasgow kiss.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Aw, Mary...
0:26:59 > 0:27:00what's in the suitcase?
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- Our marriage!- Aw, Mary, don't be like that.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06I've changed my ways.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Look, wait till you see, I've brought you a present.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- What the hell is that? - Aw, super, you've got the free gift.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Excuse me, are you Mrs Nesbitt? - Yes.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I just want to say you're a very lucky woman.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I hope you're listening to that. She actually said...
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I heard what she said.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Right, you, get your arse up that road.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37This is gonnae cost me.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Mmm!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Relax, relax, it's ice cream.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52SLURPS
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Raspberry Ripple, if you must know.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Rab...
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Oh, Ra-ab!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Ah, yes, my little Angel Delight?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09There's always a price to pay for keeping the peace, you know?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12What the hell are you doing? Leave some of that.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14You're supposed to be licking that off of me,
0:28:14 > 0:28:18no' whapping it doon your larynx. Now come on, get funky.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I've got my bloody work in the morning.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24There you are, you heard.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Want to stick around for the money shot? Hm?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30No, I don't blame you.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32In that case...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34beat it!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Beat it!