0:00:05 > 0:00:13Contains some strong language.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33War, war, war.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Makes you wonder.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Just saying, makes you wonder doesn't it, Rab?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43No.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I wonder if war will ever end.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You see wondering, Mary?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- It can be a silent thing.- War will only end when people change.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55When people learn to live and let live.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58When violence is the last option we use and not the first.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03When people of all creeds and colours embrace the concept of universal brotherhood.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Where the hell is Mark Chapman when you need him?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11If you don't want me weekending in your hoose, just say so.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- I don't want you weekending in ma hoose.- Right! - Right, sit doon, son.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Gash is going nowhere.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20God willing, this could all be part of his rehabilitation.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25What, sitting there like a big Jessie knitting raffia socks?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I'm weaving place mats.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And what would you know about socks? You only change yours once a year.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Twice, if I'm looking for my Nat King, eh, Mary?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Don't put pictures in his heid, he's got problems enough as it is.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40DOORBELL
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- I'll get it.- Oh, ho, you just sit there on your arse.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Eh?- You are grounded.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Grounded? What you talking about?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I'm nearly 60-years-old for God's sake.
0:01:52 > 0:01:58Oh, that saggy old arse of yours will have less to travel, won't it? Sit.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Mary Doll. Is Rab coming out to play?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08You have got some bloody cheek.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13- Mary Doll.- Oh, ho-ho, three times you have coaxed him oot on the randan this week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Get it into your head, the man is an alcoholic.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19And an exceedingly fine one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Oh, you must be so proud to have such a talented hubby.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Now, where is the maestro?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29The maestro's crouched on the floor with his ear to the door.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33You are going nowhere. And you can bugger off.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36But we're no going drinking. It's just a game of fitba.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Oh, is that a fact?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41So what's with the bottle of monk juice in each pocket then?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Goal posts.- Rab...
0:02:44 > 0:02:49speak to him. Tell him it's for your own good.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Mary's right, Jamesie.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54See this woman?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57This woman has been the wind beneath my wings.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- This woman has stood by me...- Stop.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Too much shite and onions?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05About half a ladle.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Jamesie...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08it's over Jamesie.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I must ask you to leave!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And never return.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'm proud of you, Rab.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I know that must have been hard for you.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, it had to be, Mary, had to be.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Anyway, there's a new preacher coming to the church and, well,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I want to give him, I want to give him my fullest support
0:03:31 > 0:03:38by being sober, upright and, well, a fine ambassador for Govan.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Relax. Just mair shite and onions, you know?
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Yes, Dan, I'm really looking forward to meeting my new congregation.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57No, Dan, I will not be a soft touch like last time.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Yes, the Ninja death hold you showed me works really well.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04No, I skipped the samurai sword...
0:04:04 > 0:04:09because they're parishioners, Dan, they're not an attacking horde from Kill Bill.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12No, no, no-one's turned up yet.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Just a couple of feral derelicts I'm hoping don't turn out to be the head Elder and the treasurer.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Hullorerr! - Oh, God, they're speaking at me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I can never understand those accents.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Yes, hm-mm. I'll talk later.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I'm saying are ye all right, hen? Isitnatacolyin?
0:04:33 > 0:04:39I'm the Reverend Lilian Biddulph.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I come in peace
0:04:42 > 0:04:45but I'm prepared for war.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48What's the Hampden? I only opened my geggy to say hullo.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I come...here...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54to serve...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55the community.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59That's very nice o ye. But gonnae do us a favour?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Gonnae not give us immortal life?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Aye, we're fae Govan, who the hell wants to live forever roon here?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09HE BARKS AND GROWLS
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Fear not, Reverend, we're not all Sawney Bean.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Sawney Bean?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Is that local code for something?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27No matter. My name's Ken Eaves and this is my wife, Rona.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I'm in insurance, by the way, and so's Rona.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Our son Rory is a rebel.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- He wants to be an accountant. - Chartered.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40I hope you're not going to be one of these floppy-haired revisionists like the last clown we had here.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43He didn't last long.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Well, that's me away to be upright and decent, Mary hen.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Aye, you do that. And make sure you come back here vertical. No more of the creepin' games, d'ye hear?
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Aw, goodness me, ye of little faith.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Cheery bye the noo.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Could ye no have left a decent interval for guilt?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Awright, awright, awright.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'm over it. Life goes on.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30You'll find me, at heart, a traditionalist.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33My values are
0:06:33 > 0:06:36hard work, discipline,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38and the family.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Yes!!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44First the Coalition, now the church. The toffs are back.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Let us praise God with hymn number...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Haw...!
0:06:49 > 0:06:55Hullorerr, fellow holy bastards.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56And you are?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01I'm sorry I'm late, but I was, I was delayed, y'know,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I was delayed on refreshment business.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Followed by a small roughage incident,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12which may yet be detectable.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Ah, yes, I fear it is.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Reverend Biddulph, meet Mr Nesbitt...from Govan.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- I suspect Mr Nesbitt may have been drinking.- Drinking?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31He's pished to the gunnels.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34My gunnels may be pished
0:07:34 > 0:07:40but I have not lost my subtle eye for detail.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45And you, madam, are a woman!
0:07:47 > 0:07:54I am Reverend Biddulph. And you, sir, are in a terrible state.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Yes, yes, you are quite correct,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02but all is not as it seems.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Alas, I suffer from migraine headaches.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Vomitty migraine headaches which
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- incapacitate me and render me... - Rab!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What we doin' in a church?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28These joints gie me the heebie-jeebies.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31May I introduce Bishop Cotter.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Bless youse.
0:08:35 > 0:08:41Bishop Cotter is at present on a brass rubbing tour.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Is there any brasses you'd like to rub in here, Bishop?
0:08:45 > 0:08:51No. These brasses have all been rubbed to buggery.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Mind you,
0:08:52 > 0:08:58there's a few of them I rubbed in here 20 years ago, eh?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Sadie...ha!
0:09:00 > 0:09:05- Did I leave my shoes under your bed thon night?- Aw right you...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I fear we must away, Bishop,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- otherwise you're going to get a right good gubbing.- Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16My altar boys will be fighting on the floor.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I'll get back and pull them off.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Then I'll stop them fighting on the floor! HA-HA!
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- LAUGHING:- Oh, how we laughed
0:09:29 > 0:09:34at such ribald church humour.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Get out now, please. Both of you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41All right, aye, right, we'll go.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46D'ye think, d'ye think two respected men of the cloth
0:09:46 > 0:09:50would stay a moment longer in a place where they're not wanted?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53We wouldn't demean ourselves.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57But first...a song!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00We don't want a song. Just go!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yes. Just go.
0:10:02 > 0:10:08Well, friends, colleagues, and fellow holy bastards,
0:10:08 > 0:10:13here endeth...today's...lesson.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Where's your Pope's visit noo, eh?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Ah. Hullorerr, Mary Doll.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40Don't you gimme that. You lying, drunken midden that you are.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- You promised me that you wouldnae drink!- Eh...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Mary, sweetheart...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I appear to be incapacitated.
0:10:49 > 0:10:55Have you inadvertently tied me to the chair with raffia?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, have I?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, so I have.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02What you looking at your feet for?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Well, I was just checking to see if I had clean socks.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I thought it was maybe my birthday.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12You've got the wrong end of the stick there, pal.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16You're no so much tied to that chair as stuck there where I can see you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21You were a Stephen King fan, big baws. Remember Misery?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22She's just cut the socks aff ye.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, I get it, I get it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27This is all your doin', isn't it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Don't listen to him, Mary, don't listen to him.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33He's a loony. He eats Play-Doh.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37If you saw what passes for cooking in the remedial ward, you'd eat Play-Doh too.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Gash has had behavioural problems right from the off.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43All because of you!
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Aw c'mon, Mary, c'mon, c'mon.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53It's me, it's Bobby. Your big bi-polar bear.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57See that one there? He's the one you've got to watch.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01He's the wan that's causing the problems here.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05I mean, he sits in cupboards wi' his thumbs up his arse
0:12:05 > 0:12:08singing Noah And The Whale songs.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12See him and I? Him and I is chalk and cheese!
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Honestly, I mean, I have actually often wondered if he's...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Don't you dare...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Don't you dare say it!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27You're a wee tad psychotic yourself, Mary hen.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29We have so much in common.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, you have pushed me too far this time, Rab Nesbitt.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35The question is this.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41What do I run through first, you or the Aldi steak pie sitting in the kitchen for the night's dinner?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Cos see right now? I am easy.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Take the stabbin', Da. I'll sew you back up.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'm a dab hand with a running stitch.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Pink thread or mauve?- Well?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54HE GAGS
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Wh...wh...what d'ye want me to do?
0:13:00 > 0:13:06I'm actually here to apologise and smarten up my act, you know?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It's actually the wife's idea.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I see. And is that the reason you're apologising,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14because your wife told you to?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Aw, c'mon, don't make this any more difficult than it has to be.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I wouldnae be here if I didnae hink she was right, wid I?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Hink?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Wid?- It's just the way I talk. I cannae help it. Right?
0:13:27 > 0:13:32It's not what you say, Mr Nesbitt, it's the way you say it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36It's all those yapping vowels and growling consonants.
0:13:36 > 0:13:42Listen. Why don't you pull the crucifix out your Archibald?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I might be manky on the ootside but some of these
0:13:45 > 0:13:49hoity-toity buggers you get in here, they're manky on the inside.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Do you know what I'm saying?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Mm. It was a pity you didn't think of that last Sunday.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Well, I was, er, indisposed last Sunday.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02No, Mr Nesbitt, you were totally blootered.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Am I wasting my time here?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I mean, are you gonnae accept my apology, or are ye no?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10If you promise to give up drinking,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'll accept you back into my congregation.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18I'm putting you on your honour, Mr Nesbitt. No bevvying.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Nothing?- Absolutely nothing.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Nothing.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- In the name of F....- Ah!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Place mats, missus?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Can I maybe interest you in a wee sale?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Aw, I see.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I know a bit of sign, do you sign?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Pity.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Nothing at all? Not even a wee bit?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Excellent. Try me.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11All right then, missus, just remember, you say it best when you say nothing at all.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I will. And you can watch me.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Look at Gash. Sharing a joke with the customers.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27This could be a turning point, Rab. Rab!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Aye, I heard ye, I heard ye.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Turning point, turning point, I'm over the moon, over the moon.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Quit thinking about drink for a minute and concentrate.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Sorry, Mary, sorry.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39What about this one?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Oh, that's lovely, ooh, rare and summery.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Or this one?- Aye, that's lovely too, rare and summery.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Or this one?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Aw, that's really lovely, rare and summery that yin.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55It's a shelf, Rab.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Will you try and keep up?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Away and try this on, right?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Keep your mind off the drink.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08My colour, eh? Bottle green.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Rab... What's the matter?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Eh...someb'dy in.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, don't go. Wait there till they're finished.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Aye, right, right.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35God almighty. Oh, roll on Sunday.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43Last week, my tenure got off to an unfortunate start because of Mr Nesbitt.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Aye, I'm pure mortified, I'm helluva sorry and that, you know.
0:16:47 > 0:16:53Our family brings these white lilies, Reverend, the gift of purity.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Away, ya sooky bum bastard that ye are.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Coming soon for you, the gift of soap.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05- You pee on one trouser leg, one lousy trouser leg.- Two!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Two lousy trouser legs and they never let ye forget it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14Thankfully, Mr Nesbitt has now apologised
0:17:14 > 0:17:17and I have accepted his apology.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Thanks very much, hen, it's awful big of ye.- Don't grovel yet, she hasn't finished.- Eh?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Accepted, with strings.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Aw, here we go, here we go.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33Experience has taught me that a pastor must be strong.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- You tell him, Reverend.- Hallelujah!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Sieg heil!- Too far, Rory.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45Now, Mr and Mrs Eaves have informed me of a fine old Scottish tradition.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50I bet you it's no buying a round, cos they're as tight as a nun's...
0:17:50 > 0:17:55I'm speaking of the name and shame tactic of its day, the cutty stool.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yes!!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Mr Nesbitt, as a punishment,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- you will sit on the cutty stool for three weeks.- Eh?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I'd give him six weeks for that sneer on his schemie face alone.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And three more for that string vest.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14And another three for being on benefits.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Too far, father? - Not at all, son, spot on.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You...
0:18:18 > 0:18:23You expect me to park my arse on this totie wee stool
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and humiliate myself?
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Exactly. You will sit there until your 'erse is lowpin'.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- Bravo!- And your glaikit face is in a muckle fankle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Showboating now.
0:18:37 > 0:18:43- All right, all right, I'll do it. But first, I would j... - No speeches please, we haven't time.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45We have a full service to get through.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Full service you're needing, lady.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49He's so coarse, that man.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- Let us open our hymnals and praise God with...- Ahhh!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Aw. Naw, let's no.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58What now?
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Listen, if you accept a man's apology you shouldnae make him grovel.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07No, don't tell us, is it against your shuman rights?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Listen boy, even a scumball has his human dignity.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Finished?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14No, I havenae, because apart fae anything else,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17this stool is going to dae my blow hole in.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It's got a nail in it you could hang Jesus in a Crombie coat fae.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26Listen, you don't want me here, fair enough.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I've still got a good ten years of praying left in me.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I will go elsewhere.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Ignore him, nowhere else would have him.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38He's been banned from every church in the neighbourhood.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43You fall asleep, you fall asleep in one lousy coffin.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It was a funeral service. You were using the corpse as a mattress.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51He was deid! His celestial arse was half road to Paradise.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55And as of this moment, so is mine!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Mr Nesbitt!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Oooh... I feel another apology coming on.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Same time next week?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Bugger off!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Rab, you're out of church early. God playing golf?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Don't you start, boy, or you'll get a boot roon the melt.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Speak to Jesus, Rab, get him to slip you a Valium.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31You... you've got helluva lippy since you took that bolt out your neck.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Are you joining us, Rab?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Or are you meeting Martin Luther in the pub for a Britvic?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38HE MUMBLES
0:20:38 > 0:20:41You know you want to...
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- HE CONTINUES MUMBLING - What's that, Rab?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Mmm-mmm...
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Was that mmmmmaybe just the one?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Mmmmm...jisttheone.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53My pleasure.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09I know... I know what you're thinking.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Oh, poor, poor Robert.
0:21:11 > 0:21:18He's got another one, another one of his vomitty migraine attacks.
0:21:20 > 0:21:28But such is the devious mind of the alcoholic,
0:21:28 > 0:21:34I will hoodwink my good lady wife into thinking me sober...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36with this.
0:21:45 > 0:21:52I must crave your patience while I locate my gob.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54DOOR OPENS
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Can I help you with that?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Ah, yes, please.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You see?!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11The deception is complete.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Out!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Oh, God...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, God help me, help me.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I am the angel of the bevvy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Stick with the drink and you'll be all right.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- All right.- Oh, the bad angel.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44I might have known.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Wonder what the good angel's gonnae say?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53No luck, Rab, you've got two bad angels.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Stick with the bevvy, you'll be all right.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15Oh, God, I'm worse off than I thought.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What are you doing here?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- What are you doing here? - That's rather a good question.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31You cannae be leaving already? You havenae finished unpacking.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Look, no hard feelings. I knew it was a mistake moving to this parish.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Dan told me all along I wouldn't be accepted here.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- What's this?- Fan mail.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Fan mail? Oh, aye?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Dear Weybridge Witch."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Factually incorrect.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'm from Faversham.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59"Speaking as a Christian, I find your presence in the pulpit offensive.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"I would be grateful if you would stick your dirty big..."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You get the drift. It's from our old friend, Anonymous.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Like all the others.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You don't want to let this bother ye.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13You see, for some people roon here,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17having a Minister that's English and a woman...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19it's a kind of double whammy, you know?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23That wasn't the problem. It was the triple whammy that clinched it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Right, I've filled in the sewage trench and welded the gate.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31And I'll rebuild that wall I demolished, and...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34This is Dan. Danielle. My civil partner.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Bit of a lesbo cliche today. Working clothes.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Ah well, you look fine to me.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43And if it helps put you at your ease, I would pump ye.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Oh. Very chivalrous. - Well, that's more than my parishioners have been.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54I'm preaching my last sermon this Sunday. Feel free to come along.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, I will. I will, aye.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Are you coming, hen?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Or are you demolishing a chimney with Fred Dibnah?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Aye, well, cheery bye the noo.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16In conclusion,
0:25:16 > 0:25:23my partner Dan and I have enjoyed our brief, if turbulent, stay.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Wankers.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- But it's to the future we must all look as we walk...- Hey.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Just a wee minute, a wee minute there, eh...
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Before we talk about the future... let's take a wee swatch at the present.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44I looked up the Oxford Dictionary's definition of a Christian.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50It said, "Someone showing the qualities associated with Christ's teaching."
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Here's the church's version.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Small-minded bastard that sends anonymous poison pen letters.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Are you casting aspersions on my family?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01All I'm saying is this,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04if religion's about anything at all, it's about tolerance, is it no?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08And if the Reverend there and her hairy-arsed scissor sister want
0:26:08 > 0:26:12a nightly two-way on a pink rubber wallapur, what's it to you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's black, actually.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Sorry, hen, I didnae mean to be wallapurist there, you know.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Thanks for your support, Mr Nesbitt, if I could just add on...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I havenae quite finished.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29See, when I took up religion
0:26:29 > 0:26:35I thought that meant the church. Well, I'll tell ye, I was wrong.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40See to me, God is an immense, terrifying,
0:26:40 > 0:26:44inexplicable, exhilarating thing.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46But to you lot, what is he?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50He's the chairman of the bloody golf club
0:26:50 > 0:26:54and you're all creeping about in case He cancels your membership.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And it's because of that I have seen the light.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03And that is why I am giving up the bastard...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- HE BREAKS WIND - ..church.
0:27:10 > 0:27:18And, er, if you got a whiff of something a wee bit hardcore there, I apologise.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21But don't worry about it. It was just the wind of change...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23rippling through the pews.
0:27:25 > 0:27:31Let us sing and, er, ooh...
0:27:31 > 0:27:36praise God with, em, hymn number 374.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Now, you remember, this is Gash's big day, right?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48You stay on message or it's straight back to the egg box for you.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Aye, I hear ye, I hear ye.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Well, Da, that's it official. The shop's taken me on as a full-time assistant.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Ye happy for me? - Happy? Ye got a dictionary?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Nothing I do ever pleases you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Everything's got to be a battle with you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Is that why you don't like me cos I'll no fight wi you? - Listen...
0:28:06 > 0:28:10If that's the way you feel about it, you're welcome to try.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- Any time yer ready. - Sounds good to me.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16No time like the present.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19What d'ye think of this one?
0:28:19 > 0:28:25Ohhhhh, it's rare and shummery!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:46 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Beat it!