0:00:07 > 0:00:09# I couldn't hear nobody pray
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - On the mountain
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - In the valley
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:29ALARM PLAYS TUNE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# But the very next day
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# You gave it... #
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Happy Christmas Eve-Eve.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Be quiet.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45All right.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I didn't get too drunk, did I?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Why do you insist on dancing like that?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I like the music. I like Rihanna.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Oh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Must go and help the needy.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15# In the valley. #
0:01:19 > 0:01:22HE WHISTLES JINGLE BELLS
0:01:22 > 0:01:23SNORING
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Colin? Colin?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36It's time to get everyone up. Morning.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Any problems during the night?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I kept the riff raff in order.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I'd better get the poor sods up.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Oi, Goran! Shake a leg.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Come on, scum bags! Doss time's over!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Colin!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I hate this time of year.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Sorry to hear that.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It's miserable if you haven't got a family.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04The only thing to do is spend the whole of Christmas pissed.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Right up to New Year.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Christmas technically ends on the 6th of January.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Perfect. I'll stay pissed till then, then.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Alex and I are doing Christmas lunch at the vicarage this year
0:02:14 > 0:02:16for people who'd be on their own, otherwise.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Please come if you'd like.- Magic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Thanks, Adam. I'd love to. Who's cooking? Not you, is it?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- We both are.- Oh.- Alex, mostly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Thanks.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Oh, great. Tell her I like pigs in blankets, with lots of blankets.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Less sprouts. Sprouts make me fart like Satan's dog.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Oh! Beans?- Beans?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I could see my sister but, to be honest, the thought of staying in
0:02:57 > 0:03:00with a ready meal and watching all of Downton Abbey is much more appealing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Sounds lovely. I wish I had that option.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Shall I bring in the first victims?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Thanks for doing this. Your predecessor used to hate it. OK.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Ho-ho-ho.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18That's a shit voice. You're not Father Christmas.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Chloe!- Yeah, you're Father Adam.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23No, I'm not, I'm Father Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Can we just have our presents now? - Have you both been good?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Give it.- Chloe!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Here you are. - Happy Birthday, Santa.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Have a Happy Christmas.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Oh. Two down, 53 to go.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I am knackered.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Any chance of a...festive blow job?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Yes, please.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- Oh, hi, Martin.- Adam, Dad's here. - Yes. Hello.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Adam.- Dad's going to be staying with us over Christmas.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Oh, are you? That's wonderful news. Wonderful. Ch... Change of plans.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Gemma's kids have got measles. She can't have me this year.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, no.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Shall I make some tea and then maybe we could play a Christmas game?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That sounds nice. Can we play Risk?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- You always win that.- That's why I want to play it.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21HE LAUGHS
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Remember last time we played? Adam should have won, but he failed to secure his hold on Africa.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Ended up losing, then threw a tantrum.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Oh, yes.- No, I didn't.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32You went to do that Sydney Harbour Bridge jigsaw in your bedroom.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- No, I didn't.- You stamped upstairs like a seven-year-old.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Oh, you ought to be more ruthless, darling.- Yes.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Be a ruthless vicar.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Talking of losing battles, have you had the roof fixed yet?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Er, no, not yet, no.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54We have to deal with a hopeless man called the Diocesan Property Manager.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Can't you just get on with it yourself?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, I'm sure the Lord will provide.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Eventually.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I'll just go and help Alex with the tea.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Did Gemma give them measles on purpose?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, don't say that. He's my dad,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and he's still recovering from his op.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19A normal Christmas might be fun, for a change.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22We don't do a normal Christmas. I don't want to have to cancel
0:05:22 > 0:05:24the waifs and strays lunch. It's important.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- You don't have to.- How will your dad fit in? He's a social hand grenade.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31He's not. That's not fair. He's charming when he's had a few drinks.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Lunch will be fine. I'm sure when we tell him how important it is to us,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35he'll be the life and soul...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Get out, before I call the police!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39No, I'm calling the police. Quick!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Call the pigs! He's stealing your shit!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Let go of him, Colin! - That's my dad!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I popped in for a quick dump and
0:05:45 > 0:05:47found him half-inching your Glenfiddich.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Colin, for goodness sake, let go of him.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Do you know this man?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What? Er, yes, this is Colin.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Are you friends with this psychotic tramp?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, er, yes.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- That's my dad, Colin.- Yeah, right!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Like your own dad's going to break into your home and start stealing your booze!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08ALARM PLAYS TUNE
0:06:08 > 0:06:12# We're walking in the air
0:06:12 > 0:06:18# We're floating in the moonlit sky. #
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Happy Christmas Eve.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Good party, I thought, by Stepney Diocese standards.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I even got a few laughs out of your dad.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's only cos you did the conga.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38It's always good to do the conga.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Not on your own.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45HE GROANS
0:06:51 > 0:06:54# In the valley. #
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Have you put out the service sheets yet?- 'Service sheets for what, Adam?'
0:06:58 > 0:07:00For the Carols at the crib, the Christmas Tree and the Bring a Toy service.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- 'I'm a bit busy.' - You need to get on with that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- 'Is that you coming up...?' - You've hardly started.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07If you'd stopped phoning me, I could have started.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I can do six things at once, Adam, I can't do seven.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Come on, let's get this stick-a-candle-up-an-orange
0:07:12 > 0:07:14production line moving.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Not content with Easter becoming a chocolate and bunnies festival,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21we now try and seduce children in during Advent with yet more sweets.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Put a ribbon round that. - We indulge all these people who come to church once a year.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I love the fact the church is full at Christmas.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I hope your sermon will redress the balance and remind people of the true meaning of Christ's birth.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34No, I'm not attacking commercialisation of Christmas.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Christmas is a time of joy. Let nothing you dismay.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40If I have to remind one more person that it's not technically Christmas
0:07:40 > 0:07:42until Christmas Day itself,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45it is Advent, I think I will go sweet bananas.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49The checkout girl at M&S couldn't have been less interested when I explained it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Given your bah-humbug mind-set, you'll be delighted to know that
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Alex and I have decided not to buy each other presents this year.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Save the time. Save the money. - Mm. Good for you.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I bet she buys you something. I've heard of couples trying
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- this sort of thing before. Someone always gives in.- No, we mean it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05We've initiated a no-buy zone.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Don't forget that you need to see Joan today.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I know. I'll do it later. I've got three funerals to fix first.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Come on! Pick it up, ribbon section.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
0:08:15 > 0:08:16There's been a crime, Adam.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Someone has stolen the camels from the Nativity.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Really? OK, never mind. Er, can you rearrange it, so it looks all right?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Never mind? This is theft, Adam.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27This is robbery.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31How are the Wise Men meant to have arrived without camels?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33By taxi?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35On cows. Have you got any cows?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37A Wise Man on a cow?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Crossing the desert by cow?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# In the valley. #
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Joan, I'm so sorry I didn't get to you yesterday.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48MUSIC: "Mistletoe And Wine"
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I do hope you get this message. I'll definitely see you tonight. Bye.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- That's all our mince pies.- Yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- You can't do that.- What?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- You're depriving other customers. - What? No, I'm not.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Eating all those. You fat pig. - No, they're not all for me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's for a service. If I ate all those, I'd be dead.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You can't have 'em. You can have four boxes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13That's 24 pies. I need ten times that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I ain't selling them to ya.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Right, I see.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Happy Christmas.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- His name's Mustard. Colonely Mustard. - I call him Custard.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Hi, hi. Oh, that looks fun.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Just need to take our mince pies, if that's OK?- Yes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Remember to leave some for us. Do you want a glass?
0:09:32 > 0:09:38I think it was Custard in the Drawing Room with a knife.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I say knife, more like a machete, it was.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- He cut the victim's head clean off. - Oh!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It was a horrendous crime and Custard must be brought to justice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So, if I don't see you later, I'll see you at Midnight Mass.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- What's that?- Midnight Mass is the beginning of Christmas on Christmas Eve.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Yes, I know what it is. Are you expecting us to go?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Er, well...- I always go, Dad.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Well, I'm sure you do when I'm not here.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'm looking forward to a night in with my daughter.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It's only an hour or so. I probably ought to go.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Why? To be Debbie McGee to his Paul Daniels?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12SHE LAUGHS
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Well, you stay here this year, darling, really.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- It's important to be with your dad. - Are you sure?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, of course. Really. I must fly.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26C'mon, Custard, drawing room, knife.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I'll get that. Merry Christmas.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Yeah.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Trick or Treat!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Colin, Trick or Treat's Hallowe'en. - Oh, yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42# Ding dong, merrily on high In heaven, bells are ringing. #
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Colin, stop. I see the drinking plan's going well.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Yeah, Christmas is one long office party, isn't it?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Except they threw me out of The Three Greyhounds, so I thought
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- I'd have a drink at your office. - Ah! This isn't my office.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Eh, you know about your Christmas lunch?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Is it all right if I come round a bit early, like the day before?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Colin, I'm afraid the plan's changed.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05We're not able to do the Christmas lunch here this year.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'm very sorry.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Are you turning me away as well?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12No, no, no. It's not personal.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It's just that we've got Alex's dad staying with us, who you've met.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18The Winter Shelter Charity do a Christmas lunch at the church,
0:11:18 > 0:11:19if you'd like to go to that instead?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- I'll be popping along...- You want me to have lunch with the homeless scum?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You think I'm homeless?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Well, fuck you, Santa! - Hey, don't be like that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I'm sorry you can't come to lunch this year. Take this back.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- No, you take it back. - Don't push me. Argh!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You said you were me friend.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You said you were me friend.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Arrrgh!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- My God, what happened? Are you OK? - Oh, I'm fine. Don't worry.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- What happened?- Colin, drunk.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49But he hit you? That arsehole! Do you want to call the police?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. It's Christmas.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54It doesn't actually hurt that much.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Bound to happen sooner or later, round here.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Maybe you should get a guard dog.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I was thinking it would be good for you two to get a dog.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- If you're not going to have kids... - Yeah. Bye.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16'Ow! This eye hurts. Poor crazy Colin.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20'To be driven to something like that. It's terrible.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25'Gosh, Christmas is such a difficult time for everyone, isn't it? Ow!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28'It can make people behave in extraordinary, desperate ways,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30'can't it, Lord?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33'It's important to remember, even more so at this time of year
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'when there's so many distractions,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38'to think of those less fortunate that ourselves.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41'Well, I'm glad I finally made it to see Joan
0:12:41 > 0:12:45'but, bloody hell, I'm knackered.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49'Only one day to go. Nearly there.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50'Oh!'
0:12:51 > 0:12:54You'll be delighted to know that the Perpetuity Christmas Carol Service
0:12:54 > 0:12:57was a huge success in terms of church takings.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Has someone hit you?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Er, no, it's fine. Never walk round the back of a reindeer.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Do you think you're an elf, Adam?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Yes, I do. We took £2,500 just from that service.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Your predecessor used to make five.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, he didn't, did he?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I'm all for priests being icons of Christ in the community,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16but this is taking it a bit too far. Who hit you?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19So, £2,500 plus we made 600 quid by
0:13:19 > 0:13:23singing carols at the cash point in the tube station.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Yes, I got a letter of complaint from Transport for London.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29You probably didn't get much vicar bashing in Shropshire.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's very common here. You ought to report it to the police.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Plus 900 quid from Carols At The Crib, Carols at the Christmas Tree
0:13:35 > 0:13:39and the Bring a Toy service gets me to £4,000.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Adam, I set you a target of six. Do you think you'll make that?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yes, of course. I've still got Midnight Mass.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, you're reinstating that. Aren't you brave?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Yes. It's going to be great. - Who hit you?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Where are you going for Christmas?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I'm going to the Reeti Rah in the Maldives.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57We're only staying in one of the standard villas,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00but we both like it, because it's got its own time zone. Was it Colin?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Oh! Well, have a nice trip. - It was Colin.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04No, it wasn't.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Er, could you pull over here, please, driver? Thank you.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Well, if you do decide to report Colin, er, sorry, it,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17then give me a call. I'll let you take the taxi back to the church.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Merry Christmas.- Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Merry Christmas.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Hello, Joan. I'm sorry I'm late...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45She passed away a few hours ago.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06VACUUM CLEANER STARTS
0:15:18 > 0:15:20HE SIGHS
0:15:24 > 0:15:26SONG: "Stop The Cavalry"
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Merry Christmas, Father Adam.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh. Happy Christmas to you, Vince.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Everyone's looking forward to your big service tonight.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47HE LAUGHS
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Have a good one.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Colin, I don't have time.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Your eye looks terrible.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Yeah, well...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Jesus said turn the other cheek, so you've got to do that, haven't you?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Or you're a bad priest. You'll get Court Martialled.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19You want me to turn the other cheek so you can hit that one as well?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, go on, then. Hit me.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Do it. Do it!
0:16:29 > 0:16:35MUSIC: "Jubilate Deo"
0:16:41 > 0:16:42MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:16:42 > 0:16:46If I find the person who did it, they will have a piece of me.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Picking on a helpless, vulnerable vicar who can't defend himself.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Here, have some of this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57No, you naughty woman. That's for afterwards.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Was it Alex?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05No, it was not. There were three of them on camels.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08You should put arnica on it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11D'you see, Nigel? Amazing turnout.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah, from the pub.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16In for a laugh, before they lurch home to open their stockings.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18We're the religious equivalent of a kebab.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Oh, come on, Nigel. That's a bit cynical, even for you.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Better make sure we bless enough communion wafers.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Yeah, cos these people have been confirmed.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28CROWD CHATTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Want DVDs? Want D...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33CROWD CHATTER LOUDLY
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Hello, everyone. Good evening and welcome.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Want DVDs?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What a wonderful sight this is.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Welcome to St Saviour's on this holy night.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Let's all stand to sing our opening carol, which is
0:17:45 > 0:17:48one of my personal favourites. Nigel...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51MUSIC: "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night"
0:17:51 > 0:17:53# Oh, glory be to God on high
0:17:53 > 0:17:58# And on the earth be peace
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# Goodwill henceforth from heaven to men
0:18:02 > 0:18:06# Begin and never cease...
0:18:07 > 0:18:12# While shepherds washed their socks by night
0:18:12 > 0:18:15# Whilst watching ITV
0:18:15 > 0:18:18# The angel of the Lord came down... #
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Thank you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23# ..And switched to BBC. #
0:18:23 > 0:18:25The Lord be with you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You too, mate.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Thank you. Hear the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33..wine may be to us the body and the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:41..who, in the same night that he was betrayed, took bread and gave you thanks...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43CROWD SING DRUNKENLY
0:18:43 > 0:18:46..who broke it and give it to his disciples saying, take, eat...
0:18:46 > 0:18:47SINGING CONTINUES
0:18:47 > 0:18:50..this is my body, which is given for you.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Do this in remembrance of me.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56# ..Holy Lamb of God
0:18:56 > 0:18:58# On England's... #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Oi, cut it out!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03UNCLEAR YELLING
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:07# ..I shall not... #
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Oh, gracious mystery of faith.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Why, why are you even singing that?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It's not even a carol.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Do you want a carol? I know a carol that you'll all know.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Boring.- Here it is.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30# Five gold rings... #
0:19:30 > 0:19:33No, no, he didn't.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36# Ten office parties 5,000 mince pies
0:19:36 > 0:19:38# 45 hospital visits
0:19:38 > 0:19:41# One multi-faith ecumenical event
0:19:41 > 0:19:44# Too much to do
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# Every day, I get up at 5:30
0:19:47 > 0:19:51# And then my friend died and I missed it
0:19:51 > 0:19:54# But I said I'd be there but I missed it
0:19:54 > 0:19:58# And then a man who I thought was my mate came round and
0:19:58 > 0:20:01# Hit me in the face
0:20:01 > 0:20:06# One black eye!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies
0:20:09 > 0:20:11# More mince pies!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies
0:20:16 > 0:20:19# And they cost 2.90 for six
0:20:19 > 0:20:21# Can you believe that?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies
0:20:24 > 0:20:27# Can you believe it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30# Five gold rings! #
0:20:30 > 0:20:33DOOR CLOSES
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Mini cab for Bob! Anyone called Bob here?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39HE SIGHS
0:20:42 > 0:20:43ALARM PLAYS TUNE
0:20:43 > 0:20:50# I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... #
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Come on. Get up.- No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Yes, come on. It's Christmas. It's proper Christmas now.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59No, I don't want Christmas.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Yes, you do. You love it.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02No. I hate it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Oh, my God! Look at your eye. Oh, it looks horrible. Poor thing.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Ouch! Oh, it's all right.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Stop trying to be brave. It's not convincing.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I think I did a bad thing last night.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21I had a bit of a Christmas Episode during the service.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Did you? How bad was it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Er, quite bad.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Oh, dear. Sorry I wasn't there.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- I'm going to get something for your eye.- Mmm.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh! It's snowing!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50THEY LAUGH
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- There you go. Frozen peas.- Mmm.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Why anyone would choose to move from
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Suffolk to Heroin Alley is quite beyond me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15After the service today, the Winter Shelter Charity do
0:22:15 > 0:22:19a Christmas lunch for all the homeless at the church.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I'm sorry to change the plan, but I'm going to go to that,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24cos I think it's important.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Who'd like to come?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31That sounds lovely. Dad?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36You must be joking. I don't want an Amnesty International,
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Guardian reading, low-carbon, politically correct Christmas.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I want a family Christmas with my daughter and the Queen,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and spuds and turkey and cranberry thing and sauce and gravy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I'll be there, darling.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- What?- You can come with us if you like, or you can stay here, but
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'll be at the church.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Well, what am I meant to do? Hmm?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12# On the mountain. #
0:23:34 > 0:23:37People will think I've gone mad.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39See? The word's out. The church is empty.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I think that's just what happens in London at Christmas.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48There's a mass exodus. People go and see their families. Don't worry.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50More wine, Vicar?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Never going to get through all this.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Well, we have to.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59I consecrated enough bread and wine for 150 people last night.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It has to be reverently consumed.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Thank you.- What for?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Helping me survive Christmas.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Now, I know we said we weren't going to, but...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Oh, you didn't! - I know you secretly wanted me to.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18No, I didn't. That's so naughty of you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Er, I bet you've got me something. - I haven't. I really haven't.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23No, I know you. I bet you have.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No, I really haven't.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Oh, Adam! It's beautiful. Thank you.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33SHE LAUGHS
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Actually, I do sort of have a present for you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Ah-ha! See, I know you.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Hope you like it.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I'm sure I will.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I'm pregnant.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, my word.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Are you sure?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Well, it was only a home test, so it's not official-official,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04but I did do five of them, so it sort of is.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07SHE LAUGHS
0:25:19 > 0:25:20CHILDREN LAUGH
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Adoha is using mistletoe like a weapon.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Oh. - SHE LAUGHS
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Hello, one and all.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Nigel.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Merry , I'm happy to say accurately, Christmas.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Hi, Nigel. - You're not off to see Uncle Greg?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Fortunately, the snow has relieved me of the opportunity
0:25:52 > 0:25:56of travelling to Dunstable to play scrabble with an aggressive drunk.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, well, welcome.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Colin? Are you coming in? - Have you forgiven me?
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Er, no, I haven't, but it's lunch time, it's Christmas, so are you coming in?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21But I'm not worthy to set foot in the church.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I'm worse than a prossie and a tax inspector.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Oh, shut up. Come on in.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27But you've got to forgive me.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Oh, all right, you're forgiven.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Come on in.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Nice one, Vicarage.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I'm forgiven. We're all forgiven.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Well, that's good to hear. - Dad, you've come.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Well, for some reason, the appeal of watching Wallace and Gromit
0:26:55 > 0:26:59with six fish fingers wore off after the first hour.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Martin, I'm so glad you came. Come and have a drink over here.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Gin and tonic?- Oh, what a good idea. Lovely. Thank you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Adoha, I want you to know that I stole your camels
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and sold them for cash, then I spent it on lager.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Please forgive me.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19You are a bastard. I will not forgive you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Ellie! Happy Christmas. - Happy Christmas.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Are you bored with Downton Abbey?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I finished it all in one sitting.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I didn't like the look of my Christmas ready meal.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Do you mind if I join you? - Well, of course. Come on. Over here.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36We're having G&Ts.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Thank you.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Archdeacon.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I owe you for that taxi, don't I? How much was it?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48£46.30.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Keep the change.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Happy Christmas from me.- Thank you.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I thought you were going away?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Because of a tiny bit of snow, all flights are cancelled.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Eighteen hours, I've been stuck in that departure lounge on a
0:28:03 > 0:28:05bench in front of Bagel Planet.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Lunch is served.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Stay with us, please.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Come on. We'd be honoured.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Thank you, Adam.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- Martin...- Sit there?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Come, come.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And, Martin, would you do the honours?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Yes, go on, Dad.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39I think you mean Granddad.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41HE LAUGHS
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Well, I don't see why not.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:06 > 0:29:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk