0:00:39 > 0:00:43'It's so wonderful to have some time in this sanctuary.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48'This place of silence. To leave the clamour and the chaos behind
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'and be available to something greater than myself.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53'To you, dear Lord.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:03'I wonder what's for lunch today.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'Hope it isn't that strange cauliflower cheese again.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'No, come on, holy thoughts.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14'Everlasting God, in whom we live and move and have our being,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16'you have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless
0:01:16 > 0:01:18'until we rest in you.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:24'These shoes are very squeaky.'
0:01:27 > 0:01:29'I love the fact that this is a silent order
0:01:29 > 0:01:32'and I don't have to talk to her.'
0:01:34 > 0:01:37'Look at this beautiful place.'
0:01:40 > 0:01:43'I feel more at peace here than I have for years.'
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Retreat!
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Dear boy, I've just arrived. I'm staying in the kennel next door.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57What's your place like? Mine's got death camp chic.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I normally go to that chateau in Provence, but word's out.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's fully booked this year. Bastards.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06What DVDs have you got? I've got Dermot's
0:02:06 > 0:02:10A History Of Christianity or The Killing. What about you?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12HE MOUTHS
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Are you all right? - Are we allowed to talk now?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Yes, it's a lesser silence before six o'clock, not a greater one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, I thought it was the greater one now.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23No, I don't really watch telly when I'm here.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- What have you brought to eat? - A couple of KitKats.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29OK, I have got some Assam tea, cheese -
0:02:29 > 0:02:31two hard, one soft, one goat -
0:02:31 > 0:02:35pickles, chutneys, potted goose meat, Iberico ham and a gooseberry roulade.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37It sounds like a hamper.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41It IS a hamper. We shouldn't be doing this here, though, should we?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45We should be out there in the community making a mark.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Spreading the word. Telly, radio, Twitter, the lot.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Yes, yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54The church just doesn't get front foot enough. Too much praying.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Not enough action. Oh, Wallander. What have you brought to drink?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I've got a couple of Rieslings and a Pic St Loup.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Vodka and tonic.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Gin and tonic.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12We may just survive this.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Excuse me.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Look out, mate.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Oh, sorry!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I'm so sorry. Are you OK? My fault.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50If you rush, you'll get it. Well done.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Paedo!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, Adam!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Hello, Adoha, are you OK?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- That little bastard snatched my bag from me.- Oh, I see.
0:04:05 > 0:04:13- Thank you so much. You are so brave. - No, I'm not.- Yes, you are.- No.- Yes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14It was an accident.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I saw it happen. You grabbed him and you wrestled him to the ground.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20No. I'm just rushing to the school.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- Yes, you did. Do you think I'm OK? - I...I think so.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Well, er... Have a look at me, darling.
0:04:27 > 0:04:36- Yes. No, I'm looking. I...I think you look very OK.- Oh, my hero!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The problem is, they've got nothing to do, these kids.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- There's nothing to inspire them. - My kids?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51No, not your kids. Yes, your kids.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54When they're in school, it's fine, of course, their time's full.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58But outside school, what do they do? Just this.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Or they go bag-snatching off old ladies.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- I'm going to do a trip to the country.- Is this what you came up with on holiday?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I wasn't on holiday. It was a retreat.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09One of your kids from the Moorfield Estate
0:05:09 > 0:05:13told me that he'd never been outside London in his life. Isn't that terrible?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Yes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- Some of these kids have never seen cows.- They've seen a cow, Adam.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Some of them haven't.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23There was a survey that said that inner city kids thought that eggs
0:05:23 > 0:05:25came from cows.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28They've got no idea what cheese is or where their food comes from.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30We'll do a trip to the seaside.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Are there cows there?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33There will be cows on the way.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35We'll do a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, suicidal cows.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's a natural wonder. It'll give them a sense of British history.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42They might even see France.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Come on, this is what I'm here for. Let's do it.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Are you trying to whisk me off to the seaside?- What?
0:05:48 > 0:05:49You know, get me on the back seat?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52No. No, no. No. No.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58We'll take your 15 most difficult but deserving children.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I don't think you have any idea what you're taking on.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I've got an 11-year-old who was just done for twocking on Saturday.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And I suspect you don't know what that is?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Of course I know what twocking is.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Alex, have you seen my dog collar?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Alex.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Thank you very much(!)
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I can't find any dog collars.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Be really great if you did come on this trip, because I need
0:06:26 > 0:06:30another adult to make up the numbers, and you've already been CRB-checked.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Oh, you charmer.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33And it would be a nice way for us
0:06:33 > 0:06:35to spend a day by the seaside.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37No, it would A way for us
0:06:37 > 0:06:38to be by the seaside. Not a nice way.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- Is that ketchup? - Anyway, I can't take a day off work.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Er, well you don't need to. It's on Saturday the third.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Not content with having a holiday - sorry, being on retreat -
0:06:51 > 0:06:54you've now decided you'd like to spend the one day a week we do have together
0:06:54 > 0:06:58in a shit bit of Kent with 15 of other people's children.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Do you know the last time I had a weekend with you?- Erm...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04No, neither do I. Now, why is that? Oh, yes, that's right -
0:07:04 > 0:07:05it's NEVER happened.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I'm sorry. What's the matter?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10What's the matter? I'm fed up with never seeing you.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Listen, Alex...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I'm sick of your congregants saying, "It's a shame Alex
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"couldn't come," like they've got a Master's in passive aggression,
0:07:17 > 0:07:18just because I was busy.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I'm fed up with coming home from work only to make yet another
0:07:21 > 0:07:25mushroom stroganoff for some sodding church meeting of pedantic bores
0:07:25 > 0:07:28who want to sit around for four hours in my home discussing
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- how to put in a fire exit or whatever.- Well...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I want to have a child, because I don't just want to be
0:07:33 > 0:07:35a solicitor my whole life. But you don't shag me enough.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38No, now that's not... Is that...? That's not true.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Yes. This house is permanently full of people
0:07:41 > 0:07:43making unceasing demands on your time,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46because they've got nothing else in their lives except a need
0:07:46 > 0:07:49to organise the latest church event. Some wank fete I've got to make
0:07:49 > 0:07:52sponge fingers for, because your whole world is obsessed
0:07:52 > 0:07:56with correlating excruciating social events with religious devotion.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57SHE LAUGHS
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Have you seen the other glove?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I'm not good at making sponge fingers, Adam.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I don't find it fulfilling.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yes, I'll come on your cocking trip to Kentish hell.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Because at least that way,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I get to spend a few hours with my gorgeous husband. Lucky me.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Come on, this is easy. We hire a mini bus,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24chuck the kids in, off we go.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Chuck the kids in, fasten their seatbelts, off we go.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Is this because you're a hero now? - What?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Accosting London's bag thieves. I must say,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- I didn't think you had it in you. - What's this?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Defending your parishioners. Apprehending feral scum -
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- you're the Big Society in action. - This is ridiculous.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42This isn't what happened. This is nonsense.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45HE LAUGHS
0:08:45 > 0:08:48No, I want to talk about this trip to Dover.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49On come the red underpants.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Is this something you came up with on your holiday?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It wasn't a holiday, it was a retreat. They'll see the seaside,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59the White Cliffs, the Channel, this is gospel work. It's incarnational.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01They'll go shop-lifting and they will take drugs.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03No, they won't.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05What's twocking? Do you know what that is?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Oh, it's something unpleasant and sexual to do with bacon, isn't it?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11They won't be allowed to do that on the trip.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14There's a huge number of child protection and health and safety
0:09:14 > 0:09:16considerations with this idea. Otherwise the children
0:09:16 > 0:09:19will get lost, have sex or get allergic reactions.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, what considerations? Let's go through them.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, for a start, the diocese will require that a child advocate
0:09:25 > 0:09:29is appointed. Someone the children can talk to should any issues
0:09:29 > 0:09:31arise involving someone connected to the church.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Oh, I see. Yes, because as a vicar, I'm likely to take them
0:09:35 > 0:09:38all the way down to Dover just so I can stick my hands down their pants.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Well, if you do, the children will need a respected,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45appointed member of society to talk to about it afterwards.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47OK, great. Well, let's appoint one.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49As long as they're not too annoying.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Adam, my hero. Look.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Now everybody will know what a hero you are.- I wasn't.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I did what anyone would have done.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03So modest. That's why I've put you up for the Pride of Britain Awards.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- What? Have you? - A vicar has never won it before.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08It's inspiring, isn't it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Come Christmas, there'll be little Adam action vicar dolls.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Can I be involved with your trip... please?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I love the seaside, me. Maybe if I'd seen the seaside
0:10:22 > 0:10:24when I was kid, my life wouldn't have been so shite.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Um, OK. Well, let me... let me think about how.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It would be really good for my CV.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Have you thought how I can be involved yet?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Oh, sorry. Just thinking how sad it is that our culture's become
0:10:43 > 0:10:47so obsessed with its fears that organising a kids trip is now
0:10:47 > 0:10:49a health and safety nightmare.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Except if it was a Catholic trip to the seaside.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54It would be right to be scared, cos after lunch, all the kids
0:10:54 > 0:10:57would be getting the brown glove treatment in the sand dunes
0:10:57 > 0:10:58from the pervy priests.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Can I be a driver of the minibus?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- Have you got a driving licence? - Yeah, I've got HGV.- Have you?- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Three years I drove haulage round Europe. Massive truck.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Real fanny magnet. As long as the kind of fanny you like
0:11:11 > 0:11:15hangs about at an Italian service station at 3am with a massive Adam's apple.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20OK, well, if you've got a clean licence...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I'll think about it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, great! Magic! I just want to give something back,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27even though I never got anything.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Who's looking forward to our trip to Dover? Hands up.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Hands up, who's never been to the seaside before?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Hands up who's seen a cow?
0:11:45 > 0:11:50Well, you can see some more on Saturday and see if they lay eggs.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52We're going to see the White Cliffs.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55They have an incredible history.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58They're a natural wonder. Yes, Courtney?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Can we go shopping there? - No, it's a cliff.- Is it outdoors?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Er, yes. It's outdoors.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I hate outdoors. Unless it's inside like at Bluewater.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Yeah, and cows stink. Is it going to stink on this trip?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16No, it won't. It'll be great. A day without your TV and games,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19with some military history thrown in, if you're very lucky.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Well, I'm looking forward to it.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Now, a lady called Adoha is going to talk to you.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- I ain't going on this stupid trip. You can't make me.- Chloe!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Hello, children. My name is Adoha.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Er, yes?- Are you a man?
0:12:41 > 0:12:46I gather you want to show some children a cow?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- It's a trip to the White Cliffs of Dover.- They'll have seen cows, Adam.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Some of Ellie's kids live five to a bedroom.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54They have two unemployed parents.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Oh, is this because you're a hero now? Pulling on tight spandex at night,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01slipping out through the bedroom window and accosting
0:13:01 > 0:13:05rough men in dark alleyways. They're not going to come to church
0:13:05 > 0:13:09afterwards, you know, and you'll have to CRB-check every adult involved.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I know, I'm doing that.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- And I'll have to go through the CRB checks with Graham.- Graham?
0:13:14 > 0:13:19He's the diocesan Safeguarding and Management Risk Assessment Panel Group Officer.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21He's a quite stunningly dull man.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Makes Nigel look like Bear Grylls.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Nigel! Bear Grylls.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Who's going on this trip? - Er, me and Alex.- Alex!
0:13:30 > 0:13:35- Nigel.- Nigel.- Ellie.- Ellie.- Adoha. - Adoha.- And maybe Colin.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Well, I'm sure Graham will turn him down. He always does
0:13:39 > 0:13:43if there's even the slightest whiff of anything improper.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45All a criminal record check proves is that somebody hasn't been caught,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50that's all. I'd rather trust my instincts over some police report
0:13:50 > 0:13:52compiled by a pencil-pusher whose job it is to always say no.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Well, thank goodness. Society can relax. We've got Adam's instincts to rely upon.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02How wonderful! Perhaps we should send you out to every school and hospital
0:14:02 > 0:14:06to tell us who you trust. I think I'm going to let you out here,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09because I'm finding you incredibly annoying.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Is it safe here? - Trust your instincts.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I ain't babysitting him again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30He's only seven, he's already a sex pest.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Oh... You're that hero. You're the hero. Shelley, there's a hero here.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh, thanks. No. Not really.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yeah, you are. If all vicars were like you, I'd come to church.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48We need people like you beating up the scum. Will you sign my paper?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Have you got a pen?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59My mum is going to be so jealous that I saw the Kung Fu Vicar.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Here, go on, have a free lolly.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- For being a have-a-go-hero. - Thanks, Lisa.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12See you tomorrow.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I'm just off to go and close down a criminal gang's hide-out.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Oh, good luck!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26In the name of Christ, amen.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Adam, darling, can you come back this way, please? Come on, darling.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02You have always been a hero to me. I am proud to say
0:16:02 > 0:16:07soon everyone will know that you are the bravest vicar in the world.
0:16:07 > 0:16:13My nephew's internet campaign has worked. I am delighted
0:16:13 > 0:16:17to announce you have been shortlisted for the Pride of Britain Awards.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22We can all watch you live on TV.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Congratulations.- Thank you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28For your heroic action in bringing criminals to justice.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Congratulations, darling.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Wow! Have you seen these Pride of Britain nominations?
0:16:41 > 0:16:46People do some amazing things, don't they? A partially sighted salesman
0:16:46 > 0:16:49saved an infant from a burning car wreck
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and has now adopted the orphaned boy. He's in your category.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Let me see.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- There's going to be lots of important people there.- Are there?
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Richard Curtis, of course.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Sam Cam, Andrew Strauss. Oh, Carol Vorderman's hosting.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10A girl with meningitis confronted a burglar despite having no arms.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I'm really looking forward to it. A night out with my hero husband.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- I can't go to this, I don't deserve it.- You do.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20No, not compared to these people. You've got to understand,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23this incident has been blown out of all proportion.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25What about all the things you do that go unnoticed?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Think of this as a prize for all that as well.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32This has made me realise I don't support you enough sometimes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37- No, you do.- I don't. And I've been meaning to say, I'm sorry.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40When I was ranting about your job this week.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- It's all right.- I was in a bad mood.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51But I'm really proud of you, darling. Not just for this award but for everything you do.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'm even looking forward to your trip to Dover.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Assuming I can get 45 parental consent, health and safety
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and day of departure forms signed.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And I've got to tell the one person who wants to come that he can't.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Colin's CRB report's in. 39 entries. Including convictions
0:18:09 > 0:18:11for sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap
0:18:11 > 0:18:13on just one weekend.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17So now you're my hero, you're more physically appealing to me than ever before.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20You've got to understand, I didn't do anything. That's what I'm trying to say.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Why don't you come and not do anything to me over here?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24But I really didn't. I...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh, shut up. Take your pants off.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Ow!- Sorry.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33Sexual harassment, obscene phone calls and attempted kidnap.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I was in love, Adam. What can I say? She drove me bit nuts.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40You know what women are like. But anyway, that doesn't matter for this trip,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43because it weren't an offence with a child. Mandy was in her 50s.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, we have to take into account everything you've done, Colin, not...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Are you saying I can't come to the seaside?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I'm sorry, but the Diocesan Child Protection Officer won't approve it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I'm a different person now.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I know that. I'd take you if I could, but I can't.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07I was looking forward to it. You promised. What about forgiveness
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and second chances? You're always talking about them,
0:19:10 > 0:19:15but, actually, there isn't any forgiveness, is there? That's the message here.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18People think you're some hero.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, you're no hero to me. You're a wank stain.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Oh, is that Captain Underpants? - Gosh, it's hot!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It is. The Pride of Britain hero no less. Welcome to my club.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Come and perch by me. I want to talk to you in private.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I've only got an hour for treatments today.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Seems like a nice place. - Very friendly people.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I thought I might get a renewing herbal rub-down.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Well, if you, I'd recommend Claudio.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59If you ask him to, he can go very firm and deep.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Maybe you'll get a hero's discount.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Oh, hello, Roland!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Oh, I'm so glad you took my advice about getting out in the media more.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Now, I've been talking to the award organisers
0:20:12 > 0:20:16and I suspect you may in fact be winning in your category tomorrow.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, right.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So I don't want you to go messing it up. The media time alone
0:20:21 > 0:20:26is worth 430 grand, plus the incalculable benefit of the public
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- perceiving vicars to be heroes. - The problem is I didn't actually do anything.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33No doubt, but this is a great platform for the church.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I'll be there personally to guide you through the interviews.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41- Right.- You'll feel my firm hand right behind you. Have you got an outfit?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43A decent suit. I've never seen you in one.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Er, I'll get one.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47In your acceptance speech, don't forget to thank everybody,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50especially God and the little lady at home.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And, Roland, what are we going to do about his hair?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's my hair. It's fine.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Mm... No, it's not. I'll see you at the Grosvenor.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I need to get going now. I've got tickets to watch David Hare
0:21:03 > 0:21:05read some of his emails at the National.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Do you want to borrow my loofah?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Er, no, thanks.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Thank you so much. Thank you, Carol. Thank you, Britain.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18When I...when I look at the other nominees, in many ways,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I don't feel that deserving.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Erm...
0:21:23 > 0:21:30'I can't do this. This is wrong. Why have you engineered this, Lord?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34'I didn't do anything. You know it, I know it...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38'..well, just you and I know it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40'But it has been quite nice.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46'People respect me more, and it's been wonderful with Alex.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52'She's been a bit down recently, but she's really enjoying being my wife since the nomination.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57'National television, millions of viewers.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03'I'm a hero vicar. Maybe I better just accept this award,
0:22:03 > 0:22:08'is that what you want? Yes? Seems to be what everyone wants.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09'Yes.'
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Adam. Adam.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Adam, the Bishop. The Bishop. - What's the matter?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The Bishop of London's here.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- Oh, hello. I'm looking for the Reverend Adam Smallbone.- That's him.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- That's me.- Oh, I'm so glad. I'm happy to meet you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in and have a look
0:22:41 > 0:22:43at the cradle of heroism. Meet the man of courage inside.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Can I just say, on behalf of all of us,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50that I think you are doing a wonderful job at the moment.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Thank you. And I...
0:22:52 > 0:22:53I've read all of your books about how to pray
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and even the one about how to pass your GCSE Religious Studies.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Thank you. I couldn't possible have a cup of tea? Would you mind?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Shall we?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I hope you don't feel imposed upon.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's so lovely to have a positive story come across my desk.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18And I hear you run a wonderful church, when you're not making headlines.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Well, no, yes, I try.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23It's so inspiring. You took this mugger on?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's just so physically courageous. Incredible, really.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- I actually don't deserve any of this.- Really?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Tell me what happened.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Well, er, I was out on the street,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42and this thief snatched this lady's bag and ran off with it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:48- Ah-ha.- And collided with me. Ran into me, really.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I see, and that's when you fought him?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well, no, no. We-we-we both fell down.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And then you used your fighting skills?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Not really.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06And then what happened?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And then I helped him onto a bus.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12So you see it's all a mistake,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16because nothing really happened... at all.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19It's a lie.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23And now I'm about to be given an award for heroism.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28I see. You've got yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven't you?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31The reality is I can barely run a school trip to the seaside,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33cos the admin defeats me.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I'm going to have to decline the award, aren't I?
0:24:40 > 0:24:45Or should I accept it? Because it has done quite a lot of good in some ways.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48People want to believe in a good vicar, don't they?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yes.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You're absolutely right, I can't accept it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58No, I'll go to the awards dinner and decline it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Set the record straight.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03But if you're going to decline it, wouldn't you want to decline it beforehand?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07OK, yes. I'll...I'll do that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15It's just that I did promise my wife a night out
0:25:15 > 0:25:19and that I'd get Carol Vorderman's autograph for Nigel.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Maybe I could just go to the pre-drinks reception with Alex,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25because she does deserve... No, that's...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29People are going to be so disappointed.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Yes. You're going to have to tell the truth.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38And that's where your courage will really be shown.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Gloriam praecedit humilitas.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Yes.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Glory before humility.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Well...before glory goes humility.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Oh, yes, that's right.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Yes, that's what I think.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Good luck with your school trip. - Yes. Thanks.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Where is he?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Has he gone?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Oh, buggeration!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Adam, I am so angry with you.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I had the whole family gathered round the telly.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55The one time I could have worn a dress and had a night out.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, come on. Forget about the stupid awards.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00We're taking away these kids for a day trip. It's far more important.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, sorry I'm late, Adam. Have you got all 45 of the parental consent forms?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Nigel, what have you done to your arm?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I fell over pulling my socks on. It sounds stupid, I know,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13but actually three people a year die this way. Eight people lose an eye opening champagne.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Where are these kids, anyway? - I hate to say it, Adam. I think they're going to be a no show.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18No, look. Here's a couple.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Chloe, Courtney, you came!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- Nothing better to do.- Great. That's the spirit. Anyone else coming?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Dunno.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31OK, well, two of you is better than none. Educate one life,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33you educate the world in time.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34GIRLS LAUGH
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Hang on, hang on. Got any space?- Colin.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Get on, Colin. Come as one of the kids. - Magic. Got tinnies for everyone.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Do not try to set fire to me, you little tike.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50COLIN LAUGHS
0:27:50 > 0:27:51These kids are awful, aren't they?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Yeah, we shouldn't have kids. It's a terrible idea
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- if they're anything like this. - Yeah, it's a terrible idea.
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0:28:19 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk