0:00:05 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language
0:00:30 > 0:00:33HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:41 > 0:00:43GUNSHOT
0:00:44 > 0:00:45ANOTHER SHOT
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Oh, God!
0:00:48 > 0:00:49GUNSHOT
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Sorry, vicarage.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Colin, what are you doing?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The crack squirrels.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- What?- Squirrels on crack.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That one's had 50 quid's worth.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07The dealers hide their stash under the bins, yeah, for easy access. Then the squirrels dig them up.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11We'll have the firearms unit here. We'll be on the ten o'clock news.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13If I don't take 'em out
0:01:13 > 0:01:16these squirrels can get dangerous. They get cravings.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20They get irritable and depressed and then they attack people.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Look, I've got dead squirrels on the grass now thanks to you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25But that wasn't me.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I haven't hit any of them yet.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Nah, you see, no entry or exit wound.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Overdose.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Here she is.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40You'll love her.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41- Who's this?- Abigail.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45The archdeacon's got a curate who wants to join me for second curacy.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47This is great. I'll be able to achieve a lot more
0:01:47 > 0:01:50with another priest, push through more of my plans.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Yes, she's pretty, isn't she? Nice for you to have her around to help you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55No, Alex, this is good.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I'll be able to impart some of my wisdom.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, I can see you imparting your wisdom at her.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Abi is one of our bright stars.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Very able, very, very able.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Highly intelligent, terrific communicator and a popular touch.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I think she'll really be able to help Adam out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It would be good to have someone to talk to on my level.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Have you read her PhD on neo-orthodoxy and realistic dialectical theology?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's impossible to put down.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- Was it?- Yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's high time you were a training priest.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25We've all been saying so for a while.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Have you?- Oh, yes. We all have.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Oh, you can help her flourish, guide her, enable her.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Yes, I bet he will.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37And Alexandra, a curate will be able to cover services
0:02:37 > 0:02:40so you and Adam can have some much-needed quality time together.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Weekend in a boutique hotel.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44In that case, I think she's completely brilliant.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Appoint her immediately. - I'm sure we'll make a great team.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Yes. Thanks for the coffee.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Is that the new curate's book on neo-orthodoxy and dialectical theology?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Yeah. It's, well, cor...
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I'm loving it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I didn't think it was that well-structured.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I never quite know what anagogical means. Do you?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Anagogical?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16She mis-uses it a couple of times.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, don't be sour. She's clearly brilliant. She'll be here any minute.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Bet you the archdeacon's thrown a dead cat over the wall.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26No, she's going to be great for us.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Father Winters had a curate recently of course, the notorious Karen.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35She ran off with his wife.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Well, I'm sure Abigail won't try and seduce Alex. Good luck to her if she does.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Hi, you must be Abigail.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51You must be Father Adam. Please, call me Abi.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Nigel.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Hi.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58What a beautiful church.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's an incredible space. It's got so much potential.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You should see the heating bills.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I love it here already.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I've been looking forward to meeting you so much.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- You've got such an amazing reputation.- Have I?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- The archdeacon said you were the best vicar in London.- No. Did he?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18He's the best vicar in the country.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Unfortunately we're not in the country. We're in the city.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26# Say the bells of Shoreditch. #
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- It's the actual bell.- Oh.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Abi, it would be great to get you doing some bible study groups.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Of course. - And I'm very much here for you
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- if you want to bounce ideas around on those. - I'd love to bounce with you.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Er, er, well, I'm just looking forward to discovering what you're good at.- Right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Perhaps Abi could help you reorganise the vestry.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Get it working properly as an office like you've always threatened.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Yes, that would be good. - Sure. Happily.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Oh...
0:04:52 > 0:04:56We should put all your sermons up on your website as sound files.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Can you do that?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59It should be Twitter linked.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- We could link it up to my followers if you like.- Yes.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Have you got those Twitter people?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Mmm. A few hundred cos of my book
0:05:08 > 0:05:11but tell me more about the parish, and what's the five-year plan?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Sorry, the mission action plan.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Er, yeah. Er, Nigel why haven't we got that written up yet?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Cos you haven't thought about it. - No, I have, thank you.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28I imagine you're far too busy to be distracted by paper exercises when you could be out in the parish.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Yes, that's right. No.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Oh, I've got something I wanted to give you.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39I have got two free passes to the Green Belt Festival next weekend.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Glastonbury for Christians. You don't do to that?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's really cool and fun. Trust me. You'll enjoy it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50There's different music and people talking. They always have Peter Tatchell.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Haven't you got friends you'd like to go? - Sure, but I'd like you to have them.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58They gave me comps because I fixed them Brian Cox as a guest speaker.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It really doesn't sound like my scene.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, I'm sorry.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I meant for Adam and his wife.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You and Alex could have a weekend off.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Abi...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Great. Thanks. Alex will be thrilled.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Er, do you think you could come into the church
0:06:15 > 0:06:20at seven o'clock this evening and let in the ladies' yoga class?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yes, sure. Maybe I'll slip a prayer in just to start things off.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Don't worry, no-one will notice. I like meditation classes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's just fat mums doing yoga.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Abi's lovely, isn't she?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Couple of pints.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Home early to see Alex.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37We had a nice chat.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She said I should try and cut down on the drink and smokes.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Turn me life around.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Right. Good for her.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46WE'VE talked about that before, haven't we?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yeah, but she really makes me want to do it.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And, she said I should think about getting confirmed sometime.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Do you want to get confirmed?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I'm not sure yet. I need to know more about it.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Have you been baptised?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I'm not sure. Is it likely?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Don't worry, we can do a conditional baptism either way.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Oh, great. Let's definitely do the baptism.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Can Abigail do it?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Well, it's my church, Colin.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I'd like to do it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, OK.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Do you want a squirrel?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17What are you doing with them?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20The dealers give me two quid for every one I kill.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Then I sell them on to Abdul at Kebab Universe.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24My round next.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Let the weekend commence.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Can't believe we've got a weekend away.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What's all this stuff?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Who's coming with us?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I hope Abi can cope without me.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41She's a grown curate.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Have you seen the forecast?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Rain and light drizzle and then rain.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Darling, you know what? I'm knackered.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I'm not sure that I want to spend the weekend with 20,000 fellow Christians in a field
0:07:51 > 0:07:56with bad food, bad weather, pooing in a hole and nothing but cheap cider to make it bearable.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00How about we just spend the weekend here together? A stay-cation.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Shut up, Granddad. I've been looking forward to it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- We'll enjoy it when we get there. I promise.- OK then.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I hate sleeping in tents.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Why have we done this?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It's fun. This is great.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I heard you flush last night.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30No, I didn't.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31That's cheating.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35We said this would be a proper festival at home so no loo flushing.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Very funny.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38# Moving on up now
0:08:38 > 0:08:42# Getting out of the darkness... #
0:08:42 > 0:08:45If we're doing this properly can you get some cheap cider from the shop?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Yes, my lover, yes.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57CHOIR SINGS
0:08:57 > 0:08:59# I am the Lord of the Dance said he
0:08:59 > 0:09:01# And I'll lead you all... #
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Love, peace, justice, tolerance
0:09:05 > 0:09:07but above all, hope.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10If we can follow the example of the girl in the story
0:09:10 > 0:09:14then maybe we can have these things in our lives too.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And we can start to have them now.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20DOOR SLAMS
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Everything OK at the church?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I didn't go to the church.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30It doesn't take an hour to buy two bottles of cider from the corner.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I just put my head in.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Thought I better see if they could cope without me.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Can they?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Abi's very up all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she's manic depressive.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46She's energetic so must be a manic depressive?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49No, but there are a lot of depressives in the church.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51She seems incredibly balanced and competent to me.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56More than anyone else I've met in your world. I think she's great. She's got me a weekend with you.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59She can be a bit conceited though, don't you think?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I thought you wouldn't talk about the church during the festival.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No. OK, we're going to get back to it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Now, I want you to queue 20 minutes for one of these burgers
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and then I'm going to make sure you get food poisoning.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Thanks.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I should have done it years ago, really.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25What will I feel apart from a wet head?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You'll feel that God reached out to you with his love.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30What does that feel like, then?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Well, on a good day,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34that feels like heaven.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I feel at peace.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- I feel a real sense of connection to others.- Yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45An absence of anything bad.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47And there are moments when...
0:10:48 > 0:10:53..I almost feel like I'm surfing on a great wave of hope and love.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55A bit like doing ecstasy?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And most importantly,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03you'll feel part of a huge, loving family.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So it's exactly like doing ecstasy, then?
0:11:05 > 0:11:12No, it isn't. What I'm talking about is a permanent spiritual state that underpins my entire being.
0:11:12 > 0:11:19What you're talking about is chemical, temporary, illegal and almost certainly harmful.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Have you ever taken any drugs?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24No. I smoked dope once.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It's great, isn't it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Have you ever had an E?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- No.- Oh, you've got to, Adam. You'd love it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33No, Colin. I'm not interested in any of that.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Well, what about those Mexican priests who get closer to God by sucking on a cactus?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- Peyote?- Yeah, they're very respected those priests, and they're always off their tits.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Mind-altering substances aren't that big in the Church of England.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Apart for drink.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50All vicars drink loads.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And you smoke fags.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Them ones are fine.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55No, they're not.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Right, I've got to go and see Abi now.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, lovely Abi. Can I come?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Is it me or is she a bit full of herself?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06No, she's an angel.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10She came to the night shelter and she made two puddings.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15You never do puddings. She did sponge and custard and trifle.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And she washed Goran's feet.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Did she?- Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Isn't it marvellous?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42When did you do all this?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I take it all back.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Abi is extraordinary.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49What energy she has.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Look at all this.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Finally the room works.
0:12:53 > 0:12:59Newsletters here, insurance there, DAC here, PCC there.
0:12:59 > 0:13:0235 sheets a minute from this puppy.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Colour copy, print and scan.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06And look at this.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08It's on wheels.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10You can move it about.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Abi.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18What the hell's been going on while I've been away?
0:13:18 > 0:13:19What have I done?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21What have you done to the vestry?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'm sorry.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I thought this was a good thing to do. You said reorganise the vestry.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28No, I didn't!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I did, but not like this.
0:13:32 > 0:13:38Rearrange, not restructure. I don't know where anything is now.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Where's my... Where's my maps of the diocese for a start?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46My pens, where are my pens?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I want it put back as it was.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53And how did you pay for all this?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You can't just spend church funds without talking to me first.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Did a special fundraising thing in the pub.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Pub church. It was great, Adam.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You can't preach in a pub.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Everybody loved it. That's why they gave so much.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07OK, I'm sorry.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08You're absolutely right.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I should have spoken to you first. It's my mistake.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Would you like me to cancel the family service that I've got planned?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You can't cancel that, Abs, everyone's really looking forward to it.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- I want to try and grow the congregation.- This looks good.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29How was Greenbelt Festival? Did you have a great time?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Yeah, it was great, thanks. Yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Who did you enjoy the most?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Peter Tatchell talking about injustice all over the place.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It was a great rally cry.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Peter Tatchell pulled out this year.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43He didn't make it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No, he was definitely there. I saw him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Who else did you enjoy?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Beyonce?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, I see.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56You didn't go.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57PHONE RINGS
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Hello. Adam Smallbone.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, hi.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh, that sounds awful.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07How can I help?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10It's for you.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Mmm. Hello.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Hi!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I'm very much enjoying helping Abi develop her skills.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33However, although there are many aspects of her I admire enormously - her intelligence, bags of energy...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Get on with it, Adam. - I'm not sure we're a perfect match.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Can't you cope with her?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39No, I can.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Is it because she's a woman?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43No, it's just we have different...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46to be honest, she can be a bit insubordinate.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Really, what's she done?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50For instance, she reorganised the vestry without asking me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Oh, no.- It's not just that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54She's alienating several of my congregation.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Who?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I don't want to name names.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- Colin? Nigel?- No.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Ellie?- No.- Adoha?- No.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03- Nigel?- No.- Colin?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Also, she can be very cavalier with the liturgy.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No, she's a star and you're very lucky to have her.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Did you read her review of Philip Pullman's new one in the Church Times?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13- No.- It was superb.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Muscular, perceptive - it was gripping.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17In case you hadn't noticed, Adam,
0:16:17 > 0:16:23young, smart, dynamic women are not exactly queuing up to join the church as if it were The X Factor.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Is she like Susan Boyle?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Shut up! She's ten times the cleric you'll ever be.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30People are saying "female bishop",
0:16:30 > 0:16:33so I suggest you just try and get on with her.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38Otherwise I fear it could be extremely deleterious to your ministerial review.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Can I get out at these lights, please?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43No.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47PIANO PLAYS
0:16:52 > 0:16:56'Oh, fucking hell, she plays the piano as well. Of course she does.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59'Why have you sent this woman, Lord?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02'I should be able to love her but I can't.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04'I'm jealous of her
0:17:04 > 0:17:07'because she's cleverer than me and kind and hardworking
0:17:07 > 0:17:11'and she brings the Liturgy alive and she fills the church.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13'I bet she speaks Hebrew as well.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16'And Aramaic.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18'Why do I find her so irritating?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20'It's pathetic.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22'It's cos I'm scared, isn't it?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25'I'm scared I'll be side-lined.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28'She's like a...a cuckoo
0:17:28 > 0:17:31'who's also a concert pianist.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34'I've got to rise to the challenge.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36'I'm going to try and love her.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39'Love does not envy.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43'I want her to go away.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45'Please make her go away.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49'Hello.'
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'm a hopeless priest.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I don't inspire anyone.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- You do.- People are bored with me. When I see how people respond to her I realise they love her.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03They look forward to her services. I bet even God's bored with mine.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05No, he's not. You're not boring.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Just because as a child I used to dress up and pretend to baptise the cat
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and Mum and Dad laughed and clapped at me, here I am, 30 years on, still doing it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15But now everyone's stopped enjoying it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17So I might as well stop.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I was always irrelevant outside my church and now I'm irrelevant inside it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Why has God chosen me for this when I'm no good at it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I'm sure Abi's service will be amazing.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Give me some of that, Colin.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"The best service I've ever, ever been to.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"Much better than yours, Adam.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"She's so talented.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"You're so lucky to have her."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Shot, vicarage!- Good shot!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50This is quite nice, what is it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54That's one of me specialses, Colin Brainmasher.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Two parts whisky, one part ouzo, some mint
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- and mostly MDMA.- What?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Ecstasy.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02You'll love it.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I quite often have an E before the service.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Ecstasy's in this?- Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Colin, I can't believe you've done that.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11How dare you do that?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That's outrageous.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18What, what, you can't force feed people chemical drugs.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19What if I die?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23What if I have an adverse reaction and, and, and die?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Should we, shall we call an ambulance?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Is there an antidote?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29What will it feel like?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31When, when will it start?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of Heaven,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39of Earth, of all things visible and invisible.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42God of God, light of light.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I'm off my tits, Lord!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Colin did it, naughty Colin.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57This is...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I'm sorry but this is...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04..this is wonderful.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Look at the window. Look at the colours in the window.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So beautiful.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I can feel you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22I love you, Lord.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I love your world and all the people in it...
0:20:32 > 0:20:39..and the Milky Way and all the other parallel universes that we haven't discovered yet
0:20:39 > 0:20:43and everything else that you've made that we don't even know about.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48The archdeacon.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52And...
0:20:54 > 0:20:55..Abi.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11# Lord of all hopefulness
0:21:11 > 0:21:14# Lord of all joy
0:21:14 > 0:21:18# Whose trust ever child-like
0:21:18 > 0:21:20# No cares could destroy
0:21:24 > 0:21:28# Be there at our waking
0:21:28 > 0:21:33# And give us we pray
0:21:33 > 0:21:37# Your bliss in our hearts, Lord
0:21:37 > 0:21:43# At the break of the day. #
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It's great to have a family service, Adam.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48We've got our "Jesus cures the leper" colouring sheets.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Steve, I love having you in this church.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55If you ever need anything from me will you just ask me? Yeah, will you do that?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Will you just ask? Promise you will.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yes, OK.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Hello, girls.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Come on, girls. Let's find a pew.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I've put out the kids' fairy cakes.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08So many people today.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Isn't it wonderful?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11It is.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Adoha, you're such a vital part of this congregation, of my life.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Am I?
0:22:16 > 0:22:22- I love having you here. Come here. - Ooh!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Hello, you two.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- What's going on?- Nothing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I love you. You look so beautiful today.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh, thank you, Adam.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I think he's talking to me, Adoha.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Oh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- What's the matter with you?- Nothing.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Oh...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I've had some ecstasy by accident.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54What?!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Colin put it in a drink.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57You've got to do service.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00No, it's OK. Abi's doing it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Adam, are you happy for me to start?
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Wonderful, beautiful Abi, yes, please start.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09In fact,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'm going to introduce you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Hey, everyone,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18er,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I'm so excited about today's service.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's so wonderful
0:23:23 > 0:23:26to have so many of you here, due to Abi,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30who is a wonderful, beautiful, special person.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Intelligent, lovely, charming, clever, wonderful and beautiful,
0:23:35 > 0:23:41so come on up here, angel, and start things off.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48You can be the great multitude who followed Jesus down the mountain
0:23:48 > 0:23:52to meet the leper, try and look like a multitude, whatever that looks like.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Mel, can you pretend to be the poor leper for me?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00You've got like horrible, scratchy skin, scratchy, oh, scratchy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Yeah, that's it. That's great.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I'm a leper too.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Look, my fingertips have dropped off.
0:24:14 > 0:24:21Er, OK, I'm Jesus and I heal you.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I'm so sorry. It won't happen again.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Bye, Mel.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40What a great service, Abi.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Everyone loved it.- Thank you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47It was wonderful. It had such grace and depth to it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'm realising you and I can achieve great things together here.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I thought you didn't like me.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No, no, no. You mustn't think that.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I think you are the most naturally gifted priest that I've ever met.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01OK, yes, you're right,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I have to confess I was envious of you
0:25:04 > 0:25:10and it's made me feel small and jealous and nasty and pathetic
0:25:10 > 0:25:15and it's ridiculous because I'm so lucky to have you here.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Can I...
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Would you mind if I...?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, no, of course.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Er, it's just that I heard you were complaining about me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30What? Oh, no.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34You said I was insubordinate and turning people away.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36You mustn't think that.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37People can misread things.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You complained about me to the archdeacon, didn't you?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I did a bit.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I was upset to hear you felt that.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48I'm moving on, Adam.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I've been asked to become a Canon of St Paul's Cathedral.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53St Paul's?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Right.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Wow!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Good for you.- It's funny, isn't it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05All that stuff that we're supposed to understand
0:26:05 > 0:26:08about loving thy neighbour, it sounds so easy
0:26:08 > 0:26:10but actually it's hard, isn't it?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Yeah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I really need some water now.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Hey, hey.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Adam, what?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Oh, again?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's 4am. Twice is enough for one night.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- It's night?- Yes, it is.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36OK, do nice spooning. Night night.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- I love you.- Yeah.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52What's up, vicarage?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54It's all right, Colin.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I just feel incredibly sad today and exhausted and I don't know why.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Is it because Abi's left?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02I don't think so.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I very rarely cry.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08What day is it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Er, Wednesday.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Yeah, that's just your E comedown.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Always on a Wednesday for some reason. Best off drinking through it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:21I wish you'd never made me take that stupid, shameful drug. It's not fun.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I'm really looking forward to my baptism tomorrow
0:27:25 > 0:27:27and being held in God's palm and everything.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Come on, let's go to t'pub.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You'll be right as rain in the morning, vicarage, promise.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Come on.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Colin Benson Lambert...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47..I baptise you,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49in the name of the Father...
0:27:51 > 0:27:53..and of the Son...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58..and of the Holy Spirit.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Amen.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Thanks.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Ta.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:27 > 0:28:30E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk